Chai Line The Newsletter for Chai Care, a program of the Jewish Community Foundation of Broward County
APRIL/MAY 2018 | VOL. 1, ISSUE 5
Proudly sponsored by
OF BROWARD COUNTY
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
Jewish Community Town Hall Meeting
Jewish Women’s Foundation Grant Wishes Event
7:00pm Temple Beth Emet
6:00pm Greenspoon Marder, Fort Lauderdale
Men’s Nite Out 6:00pm Signature Grand, Davie
Annual Meeting Congregation Kol Tikvah
Young Leadership Division Signature Event Riverside Hotel
Dates and times subject to change. For more information visit www.jewishbroward.org or call 954-252-6900
Parenting Your Parents; A Needed Role Reversal Amy Bloom, LCSW, CLCP, C-ASWCM, Director, Chai Care
s people age, so do their bodies and minds. Although cognitive impairment is not a normal function of aging, it does happen to many people. Having a cognitive impairment is a disease of the brain, similar to having a disease of the heart. People with the same diagnosis will have different symptoms, they will react differently to the same medication, have different side-effects, and experience a different disease process and length of disease. Some who have cognitive impairment are very happy and compliant with care. Others become paranoid, aggressive, and verbally abusive. Some willingly
accept help and others are fighting for their independence and control as hard as they can. As the adult child of a parent with cognitive impairment, you most likely will end up in a role that you do not want, are not prepared for, and try to avoid at all costs. Everyone carries with them throughout their lives an image they have of their relationships with their parents. You may be intimidated by a parent, you may turn into a child around your parent, you may still be seeking you parent’s approval or love, or you may continue to be dependent on your parent for emotional or financial support. Continued on page 2.
Chai Care Director 954-252-6920 | firstname.lastname@example.org www.jewishbroward.org/chaicare
Amy Bloom, LCSW, CLCP, C-ASWCM
Program of the Jewish Community Foundation of Broward County
Parenting Your Parents; A Needed Role Reversal
Continued from cover.
Years ago I worked with a very successful male attorney in New York City. He had an excellent reputation, was often quoted on the news about major law-changing cases, and made lots of money. He was in his 60’s, married and had one son. His parents, both in their 90s were very sick, both with cognitive impairment, very frail, and had multiple other medical issues. This man’s father had always been an extreme disciplinarian, verbally abusive toward his son, and was not demonstrative with his son. The son was still completely scared of his father! There may come a time when you have to take care of your parents the same way they took care you. For many adult children this is a herculean effort. Why? I often use the following analogyIf you are a parent yourself, think back to when your child was very young and you had to walk across a busy street with them. You said, “Hold my hand as we cross the street.” Your child does not want to hold your hand. You insist. Your child has a fit, screaming, crying, and refusing to hold your hand. What do you do? Do you let your child “win” and cross the street with your child without holding your hand? You are in a battle with your child because you are trying to keep him/her safe. This is no different than when you have to change roles with your parent and begin to parent your parent. If your parent has cognitive impairment and should not be driving any longer, or requires home health care, or needs to be placed in residential housing, and is acting out by not agreeing to giving up the car, allowing a home health aide in the house, or moving to an assisted living, what do you do? Do you give up because they are the parent? Do you give up because they start screaming at you? What about their safety and quality of life? Ten tips to help you in your new role as a parent to your parent(s): 1. Look at your relationship history with your parent and recognize your role as their child. Do you still feel the same way now that you are in an adult relationship with him/her?
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2. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the parent you always knew when he/she did not have a disease of the brain.
6. Avoid reacting when your parent gets mad at you; remember this is about their safety and well-being.
3. Accept that your parent is not based in reality because they have a brain disease, so discussing a particular situation with a logical approach is not often going to help.
7. Overcoming your parent’s rebelliousness is an act of love. (i.e. hold your child’s hand as you
4. Don’t engage in arguments with your parent in order to get them to do what is their own best interest. Just do it. (i.e. hold
your child’s hand as you cross a busy street, no matter what type of behavior they exhibit).
5. Begin to use therapeutic lies. A lie inherently sounds like a negative thing. However, therapeutic lies are those you tell your parents to get the result you want, which is always in their best interest.
cross a busy street, no matter what type of behavior they exhibit).
8. You don’t want to have regrets about your new role as your parent’s parent because they did not have quality of care, quality of life, and remain safe. 9. Remember that you are not alone, even if you are an only child. There are always professionals who can assist you. 10. Give yourself permission to feel proud of what you can overcome when parenting your parent.
OGH, THE WEATHER! BY ROSE BOYARSKY
DO NOT LET THE RAINY WEATHER GET YOU IN A BAD MOOD. AFTER THE SUN COMES OUT, YOU’LL FEEL AGAIN GOOD. OH, THE CLOUDS ARE GONE. HERE WE HAVE AGAIN THE SUN. SO LETS GO OUTDOOR, WHAT CAN WE ASK FOR MORE. TAKE YOUR DAILY WALK, AND HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST. DO NOT FORGET TO GO FOR A SWIM, AND HOW ABOUT YOUR EXERCISE. GET A CHAT WITH A FRIEND, TO GET OFF WHAT ’S ON YOUR MIND. TAKE A LOOK FOR A GOOD BOOK, IT WILL REFRESH YOUR MIND. AFTER TAKE A GOOD REST, AND YOU’LL FEEL YOUR BEST.
Chai-lighting, Anne & Jeff Sopshin Who are Anne & Jeff Sopshin?
Dedicated, dynamic and driven volunteers whose passion for community is unstoppable. For this couple, community involvement is a daily commitment. It all began, with their engagement at the David Posnack JCC, which led them to the Jewish Federation of Broward County. Thirteen years ago, Anne and Jeff were asked to host a Shabbat dinner for the Nesher teen delegation. Nesher, Israel is our community’s Partnership2Gether city, which is Broward County’s living bridge to Israeli society. Anne and Jeff became immediately connected to these teens and their families, starting their lifelong commitment to the Broward County-Nesher partnership. Whether it’s the summer teen delegation or the recent visit from our first ever Yom’s Delegation, which brought young adults from Nesher to share the experience of Yom HaZikaron and Yom Ha’atzmaut, Anne and Jeff are the champions and devoted leaders of the Broward-Nesher Partnership. Following their initial engagement through the Nesher Teens delegation, Anne and Jeff both served as DPJCC Presidents (Anne, 2007-2009 and Jeff, 2011-2013), which further solidified their connection to our Federation by exposing them to the breadth and depth of its commitment to serve our Jewish community, Israel and communities around the world. Following many roles on our Federation Board and committees, currently Anne serves as our Israel Mission Co-Chair and Women’s Philanthropy Campaign Advisor and Jeff is the Finance & Administration Committee Chair. Anne is one of our newest Legacy Society donors, becoming eligible for Chai Care when she turns 65. Anne’s journey to Chai Care began in a time of family crisis. We sat down with Anne and Jeff to really get the story of what led them to endow Anne’s Lion of Judah. Q: How did your involvement with Amy Bloom, Chai Care Director, begin? Jeff : One afternoon, after an F&A meeting, I shared with Michael Balaban, President & CEO, the hardship that we were enduring with Anne’s ailing father. Michael suggested
that we speak with Amy and see what advice she could offer. Anne: My first phone call with Amy lasted easily an hour as we discussed my current situation and I gained insight as to how to maneuver the urgent needs of my father, while also addressing my mother’s concerns. Amy quickly became a friend and confidant that I could talk to and trust in the information and advice she was providing. Q: How did Amy assist you in getting the aid you urgently needed? Anne: Amy quickly referred us to a professional from a home health care service who together with Amy created a tailor made plan that moved us from a crisis situation to a stable one. Amy walked Jeff and I through every stage of my father’s illness and was there for whatever we needed, whether it was urgent advice, immediate care or simply someone to vent to that understands the situation. Q: What other benefits did working with Amy provide? Jeff : Amy guided Anne and myself through the financial highway of insurance and the cost of care, providing us with the language to use with the hospital staff and the logistics of my father in law’s medical needs. Anne and I both had different needs and concerns during this time and Amy was able to speak with us in a way in which we individually needed. Amy gave us the power to know what to do by arming us with information.
Anne: I want other Federation leaders and donors to know about Chai Care and that it is a program they should be talking about while they are in their 40s and 50s. Since working with the Sopshin’s, Amy realized that there are many other people in our community who find themselves in a time of crisis regarding health or care of a loved one and do not know where to go for help. In an effort to address this need Amy has developed Office Hours with Amy, Aging & Caregiver Support. These office hours are for any donor to the Federation 2017-18 Campaign that are looking for a safe place to talk about sensitive issues related to health, aging or caregiving. These office hours are offered on the third Thursday of every month. To schedule an appointment call Amy at 954-252-6920 (appointment times are limited).
Dedicated, dynamic & driven volunteers whose passion for community is unstoppable
Q: What led you to endow Anne’s Lion of Judah? Anne: After my father passed away Amy remained present, even attending my father’s funeral. Jeff and I were left with a feeling that we needed to do something that would honor the memory of my father, leave a legacy for our children, thank Amy for all she did for us and recognize the Broward Federation. Jeff : Looking back on this experience we realize how important it is to have a plan for our health care directives before a time of crisis and share this information with our children. We endowed Anne’s Lion of Judah in order to ensure that our children do not find themselves in a crisis if one day Anne is in need of care and to know that Anne has a dedicated professional that can arm our family with the information and advice we need for our future. Q: What do you want other people to know about Chai Care?
APRIL /MAY 2018 | 3
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APRIL /MAY 2018