April 2020

Study Reveals Teachers Page 2

College Board Gives Up Page 2

April 1st, 3020

Editor’s Note The Hillsdale Scroll does not condone the distribution of inaccurate information and fake news.

However, in the spirit of good fun in this difficult time, and in order to test students ability to evaluate source credibility and accurate information…this issue contains purley satirical stories.

-Anya Lance-Chacko, Editor-In-Chief

Horoscopes Catherine Lange

Pisces (2/193/20):

Participate in class more.

Aries (3/214/19):

Stop smoking in the bathroom.

Taurus (4/20 5/20):

Buy a planner.

Gemini (5/216/20):

The universe did not kill your fish. You did.

Live with the consequences.

Cancer (6/217/22):

Stop signs are not a suggestion.

Leo (7/238/22):

Stoplights are not a suggestion.

Virgo (8/239/22):

Social distancing is not a suggestion.

Libra (9/2310/22):

Use a ruler.

Scorpio (10/2311/21):

Outline your essays before you start writing.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21):

Comedy is not for you.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19):

You are not the problem.

Aquarius (1/202/18):

You are the problem.

Do you have comments, feedback, letters to the editors, or want to buy an ad?

Contact us at: thehillsdalescroll@gmail.com

Bats Crusade Humans Page 2

extraterrestrial Interferance Page 2

Website: www.hillsdalescroll.org

TikTok Dance Restores Stock Market Maddie Dixon and Andi Taylor Staff Writers

Overnight a new TikTok dance has surfaced that is taking the internet by storm. The so-called, “Butter Cutter,” referred to by scientists as the “Botanic Underlying Typhus Transatlantic Enterprise Renewed Coexisting Unanimously Together Triumphantly Enthusiastically Reneging” Dance. This series of movements, made famous by TikTok user @sparklykitten586 has captivated America, inspiring young citizens to invest in stocks.

We sat down for an exclusive interview with @sparklykitten586 herself to hear how the dance came about. She stated, “I was like, totally, like vibing with this whole stock market crash and then I was all like ‘Woah, this can totally be a new dance!’ It hit me while I was trying to do the Renegade dance and was like ‘What if I did something, like… different.’” It turns out that something “different” would gain almost 2,000,000 views and grow into a widespread phenomenon attracting the likes of celebrities such as Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep. So what is it exactly?

Performed to @ sparklykitten586’s own original song, “We’re Out (Of Toilet Paper)” (inspired by true events), the Butter Cutter consists of a series of simple movements. You start by spiritually awakening into a metamorphic chrysalis, and then you “just, like, levitate man, it’s so easy,” explains @dudebro68. While floating in midair, you rotate the upper half of your body 365 degrees, while keeping your lower half in a frozen, corpse-like position.

Your eyes must also sell the position, meaning you must stare longingly into the distance during the duration of the dance, without blinking. Tears are optional, though recommended. You then simply backflip into a sitting crow pose position with the torso extended in a snake-like configuration. At this point, you must write a multi-paragraph essay about the effects of hunting on the bighorn sheep in Canada, while using your non-dominant hand. The essay must also, include a subsection about why you should invest in the stock market. And the hardest, most complicated part, is forcing your hands

together at the very end to clap twice. And that’s it, you’re done, it’s as simple as that.

Since the dance took off, there have been millions of new investments in hundreds of thousands of companies.

The stock market has reached an all-time high, balancing out the effects of the global COVID-19 crisis. @sparklykitten586 has received a Nobel prize as well as the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her contributions to the US, and has now gone on to write a multi-award winning novel, entitled, “How I Accidentally Restored America.” Even more shockingly, she is only 9 (and a half). Isn’t it incredible how the internet has united us all?

Distance Learning Exposes Mr.Sloves’ Technical Capabilities with Canvas led to the publication of an assignment titled “qQWfj1!” worth 240 points, and due last week. The assignment was then followed by a follow-up email sent to the graduated class of 2018 headed “Dear Students, I am trying to use Canvas. This is a test email,” He then replied to himself

4:09:17. At 4:48:10, he shouts “Fine! If you don’t appreciate me, I’m going for a walk!”

The door slams. Thirty seconds later he re Distance learning forced students, emerges, and the rest of the video even this faculty, and staff at Hillsdale High School journalist couldn’t watch. to retreat to their homes and conduct online

He then managed to publish learning. The shift has been better for a screenshot of his Google search some than others. Students history, where curious in Mr. Sloves’s Advisory and viewers find terms 15th Century Comparative such as “Symptoms Literature Studied through of covid”, “My chest Venn Diagrams, Punnet hurts. Do I have the Squares, and the Modern CORONAVIRUS?”, “Is Lens Class find the shift a headache a symptom particularly jarring. Many of coronavirus?”, and know Mr. Sloves as the finally, “My twentyfriendly, wise English teacher four-year-old son will who brings stale bagels to not eat vegetables. How advisory, always ready with may I help him?” advice and a smile.

Students,

N o w, h e ’s t h e however, seem teacher who sends the whole equally confused. school emails with essays W h e n M r. S l o v e s Mr. Sloves captured with son and one of his student’s Canvas page. in the subject line. His first finally posted his first Photo Credit: Mr. Sloves email was to his Comparative successful assignment, Literature class. The email “Comparative Literature itself was blank, but the subject line read: “P”, “Whoops,” the kissing face emoji, “Let Worksheet: Copy URL below and copy it “Dear Students, I did not see you in my class me know if you are getting these,” a blank into your web browser.

Then press enter,” this morning. I was gravely disappointed in reply, “lr2asd”, “Help please,” seventeen He received ten replies asking “Where do I your behavior. If this is some sort of joke, empty lines followed by a single K, “Help find the homework,” and forty asking “Will I will have you know it is NOT FUNNY.” would be greatly appreciated,” and then 40 this be graded?”, “How many points is this Last week, all those enrolled in Senior more blank replies. worth?”, and “How much will this affect my Students enrolled in his 4th-period Advisory Capstone received an email that grade?” began, “Dear Amanda, Sorry to hear about comparative literature class may have found

For now, he operates primarily your breakup....” and ended with “You may his 19-hour video in which he leans over, through email.

Still, students in Comparative want to take Jeremy to the doctor, however. turns on the camera to reveal him sitting Literature are soldiering on, braving “Blind I’m not a medical professional, but from at his kitchen table, and then walks out of Harry’s Wallace,” and “Oration on the the images you sent me, you’re right to be the frame. Two hours later, he re-emerges Dignity of Man,” without him, like any to make breakfast. Students cringe when worried.” reasonable high school student would do.

His recent attempt to engage he starts arguing with his adult children at

Catherine Lange Senior Staff Writter

April 1st, 3020

Website: www.hillsdalescroll.org

Teachers=Real People??!!

Catherine Lange Senior Staff Writer

A new study reports that teachers are, in fact, real people. The study, conducted by the crazed genius Dr. Mannmaid, tested the DNA samples of teachers worldwide against a global database. The study was able to conclusively rule out the most common theories, including gods, witches or wizards, ghosts, werewolves, vampires, and goblins. Since the differences between angel, human, and fire-breathing demon can be so subtle, the Mannmaid team turned to other tools to jump to their conclusions.

“It came down to common sense,” Dr. Mannmaid explained. The researchers looked at “classes”, which are like covens, but with more people, and presided over by teachers. While some students find the fifty-minute intervals to be purely vindictive demonic torture, others find them to be joyful introductions to new and necessary information. Some students may experience both in one week at the hands of the same teacher! In short, Dr. Mannmaid declared, “The effects of what teachers call their “classes” were so inconsistent they had to be human,” Senior Waggie Milson’s eyes lit up when confronted with the recent evidence, “I knew it! The other day I saw Mrs. Norbury get into her car instead of disappearing into a shimmering portal

in the Great Court like I assumed she would and I knew it had to be true,”

Still, this comes to a shock to most of the students, such as witch coven leader Abigail Red, who was convinced “They have to be one of us [a practicing witch]. How else do they have the time to grade mountains of essays and tests?”

“I thought they had to be like shapeshifters or something,” thirty-five year old senior and ghost of auto shop class Danny Zucko mused, “I mean unless you find them during office hours, they just disappear,”

Senior voted most likely to get the joke last, Ron Weasley, shook his head, and murmured, “No, I don’t understand. Ms. Fleming has secret mind-reading powers. She has to. How else does she know how to call on me right when I’m not paying attention or give me the one prompt I didn’t study for?”

Why do students persist in these erroneous beliefs in the light of new evidence? I turned to teen health expert Dr. Frizzle, who explained, “Considering 8/10 teenagers need to be consistently reminded they are not demigods, I am not surprised that the misconceptions have gone on so long,”

Though the Hillsdale community is still reeling, they might have to come to terms with the fact that unlike them, their teachers are human. After all, even witches know you can’t argue with science.

Bats Start a Crusade Against Humans Brie Sloves Staff Writer

The novel coronavirus, believed to have originated in bats, is rampant. In other words, bats allegedly started a viral crusade against mankind.

On December 31st, 2019, a colony of bats roosted in a cave in Wuhan, China. They partied all through New Years Eve, counting down the minutes until the roaring 20s. As the bats sang, danced, and drank champagne, their health flourished. Meanwhile, in the city of Wuhan, 12 humans hacked with dry coughs, suffering from a mysterious respiratory illness, later named COVID-19.

As the coronavirus proliferated, so did anti-Chiroptera sentiment. According to a bat named Remus, “we knew it was time to do something, to stand up for our inalienable bat rights, so we decided to act.” And that’s exactly what they did. Remus arranged a colony-wide meeting to plot the demise of mankind.

The colony would colonize the planet.

First, the bats impersonated government officials. According to Remus’s bat friend, Romulus, “We employed the widely accessible platform, Zoom, to watch live streams of world politicians.

The governments were up and running like normal, and this was unacceptable.”

They created costumes, using blood to dye their faces a reddish-orange hue

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School News School News

akin to the skin color of the president on America’s live stream. Soon thereafter, bats permeated global broadcasting stations!

They put out anti-human propaganda urging other bats to stop eating humansoup, a rumor started by angry battists.

Next, they menaced the humans into quarantine. Remus stated, “We were only trying to do what’s best for everyone, and from a utilitarian standpoint, quarantining humans brings the greatest good to the greatest number.” Bats make up 20% of Earth’s mammals, making them quite plentiful. But bats aren’t the only group to benefit from a Homo Sapien quarantine.

Farm animals, fish, bugs, and plants all benefit from the quarantine of humans, whether it be directly or indirectly. For the humans that still chose to roam freely, the bats coerced them into their human caves using a blend of humanicide and bayonets.

Finally, the bats conquered the world. They roamed freely around lifeless cities, isolated countrysides, and quaint suburbs. Bats always flaunted superior immune systems to humans, allowing them to host viruses asymptomatically, but now for the first time in history, bats rose to the upper echelon of the social pyramid. Arguably, it was only a matter of time before natural selection allowed the superior order to thrive.

No one knows how long it will take for humans to regain control, if it ever does happen. Some hope it will be by Easter, others pray it will happen

by May 4th, and many don’t see the regain of power happening anytime in the near future.

However, there is one universally agreed-upon fact: bats have started a crusade against humans.

C.B. Shrugs,Sighs,Gives Up. Catherine Lange Senior Staff Writer

It’s that time of year again. When the air turns warmer and school gets less rigorous. When the sun emerges to brush dewdrops from petals in full bloom. I’m talking, of course, about the AP season.

Each May, students arrive ID in hand for a two-hour purification session in which they are sent to mandated seats to complete a standardized exam, stare blankly at the walls and regret their life decisions while the most peculiar methods of torture are ushered upon them. During the Spanish Language Exam last year, students listened to an audio clip about the importance of drinking water right after their water bottles had been ripped from their fingers to prevent cheating.

But in the era of coronavirus, the plague spread by liberal propaganda and curable only by drinking bleach, the College Board made some changes. First, the exam has been shortened. The new AP Exams, dubbed AP Lite, or AP “Fun Size”, or “The AP Mini” will only cover what students are expected to have learned so far in the semester. For AP English Language, that includes identifying the books assigned but you left unread in the past year and autobiographical information.

For AP Gov, questions will be free response and randomly selected from a pool of three: “Who is the President of the United States?”, “Name three current US Senators,” and “Identify your home state on this map of the US,” Though the quantity of questions have decreased, their difficulty has surpassed anything we’ve ever seen before.

Second, the college board, in the interest of equity, has allowed the exams to be open notes. “It just impossible to proctor these, now,” a dejected demon from the college board explains, “In the interest of fairness, if one child takes advantage of the system, which they will, we should let all the children take advantage of the system,” The College Board is also training a legion of AP tutors who will be randomly assigned to each student to help them with

their work. Each student can also choose to purchase “hints” that they can reclaim at any point during the test. The College Board will accept credit cards, PayPal, Venmo, and wads of cash postmarked by April 1.

Lastly, students are all taking their exams online, in the privacy of their own homes with their parents reading over their shoulders and dictating the correct answers.

Little brothers are encouraged to run around and make as much noise as possible while the exam is in progress. Older sisters back from college are told to schedule their social Zooms at that time as well, so students can take the exam to the soundtrack of seven people talking over each other about their personal coronavirus experiences.

If they’re concerned about a lack of rigor, students still have the option to cancel their exams and the College Board will waive the cancellation fee it would normally charge the school. But the College Board assures the nation after students have patiently waited for the beachballing to stop and the front page of their website to load, “The only thing we can do during these difficult times is adjust.

The College Board is committed to doing all it can to maintain the rigor and equity of standardized testing by implementing harsh measures that will let students do whatever their loose morals will allow,”

It looks like this year, it’ll be an internal game between the conditioning to have integrity and to get into college.

Thankfully, the glorious and merciful college board is here to help make sure the AP experience is still the delightful, happy time of magic and daydreams it has always been.

E.T. Interference

Isabella Murray Senior Staff Writer

Thanks to the rapid spread of news via the Internet, most Americans are aware of the suspicions surrounding the contentious 2016 presidential election. It doesn’t matter whether you choose to subscribe to the belief that the Russians hacked their way to victory, that the vote-counting machines were designed to be faulty, or that some other mysterious party enacted a nefarious plan to elect the president. Recently, experts uncovered evidence of a plot of a magnitude never before witnessed in American history.

While going over election results last month, two analysts from The Onion discovered a shocking discrepancy in voter data. These experts were reviewing the demographics of who voted for who when they made their discovery. According to them, only 65% of registered voters came from human parties. This finding, shocking to the point of unbelievable, prompted the analysts to launch a top-secret investigation into demographics no one has really thought to check before--what percent of the American voting population is actually human? If this data is correct, then 45% of American citizens may be nonhuman.

Of course, when our investigative staff heard of these findings, all of us came to the same question that you, the reader,

are probably wondering now: If not human, then what exactly is 45% of the American population? When we spoke to the analysts, identified only as “F. Mulder” and “D. Scully,” their answer was simple and resolute: Extraterrestrials.

According to the two analysts, this could mean that nearly half of our country’s population could be extraterrestrials. They refused to speculate, but we have our guesses.

Maybe these extraterrestrials are from Mars.

Maybe they came from a passing comet--or from a crater on the dark side of the moon.

They also do not know the motives of our extraterrestrial brethren.

It’s possible that they infiltrated the world for the sole purpose of interfering in the election. Perhaps they hoped to overwhelm our democratic processes by sheer numbers. All we know for sure right now is that we don’t know anything.

Our paper is the first major news corporation to be allowed this kind of exclusive, first-hand content from F. Mulder and D. Scully. They were unwilling to elaborate further on the matter, except for the following quote from F. Mulder: “Look, we don’t yet fully understand the implications of what we have found.

It’s possible that the government already knew about this, but was just hiding it from all of us. But no government agency--has jurisdiction over the truth.”