DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING
ISSUE 82 £5.99
DISCOVER
Limitless possibilities Is love at first sight just a sweet dream? We uncover the truth...
Lost for words? You don’t need all the answers to open up
Why you should go beyond your comfort zone
DO NOT DISTURB How to silence phone-pinging anxiety
Career crossroads Do you know when it’s time to change gear?
“Love is friendship caught fire LAURA HENDRICKS
Photograph | Pablo Heimplatz
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge
Can you feel the love?
Your ‘heart skipping a beat’, ‘taking your breath away’, ‘falling in love’ – the linguistic imagery of romance is so often about catching us by surprise, and taking hold of our minds and bodies. but one day it might offer the smallest of comforts. To know that the sorrow is Feeling out of control can be daunting, a sign of the immeasurable difference but embracing the uncomfortable, like someone made in your life. A love that in our article on letting go of the limiting burns so deeply in your soul that the nature of our comfort zones, can person is etched on your heart for the provide us with room to grow in ways rest of time. we never imagined. One day, those tears of sadness “I didn’t fall in love. I rose in it,” Toni might just become tears of joy at the Morrison said, and it’s a refreshing memories you shared, and the moments perspective. When we remove the you treasured together, as we explore weight of unpredictability pulling us in our feature on supporting each other down, we can instead see the power through joint grief. of love to lift us up and take us to new heights. I’ve no doubt that every one of us could name someone we would give anything In this special issue, we’re exploring to spend one more moment with. the spectrum of relationships, from investigating the reality of love at first So don’t wait for corporations to tell you sight to uncovering how best to support that a certain date is for displaying love loved ones following a diagnosis. We’re through cards and chocolate boxes – or asking how you can unplug from phone- that we should only celebrate romantic pinging anxiety and the pressure to be connections. constantly contactable, along with why we may experience a fear of happiness – Whether you experienced the lightning and how we can move past it. bolt of love at first sight, or the slow burn of a friendship that becomes your true Opening ourselves up to all aspects soulmate, take action. Tell your nearest of relationships naturally touches on and dearest what they mean to you, and loss, too. Grief is a reflection of love let the love in – in all – a shattered fragment in a mirror. It its forms. can be hard to recognise at the time, because it feels so all-consuming, the Happy reading, pain unfathomable, but this is an echo of how deeply we loved. Knowing this won’t stop the hurt, or lessen the weight of it on our hearts,
At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges
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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
I | @happiful_magazine
A look inside 12 Decisions, decisions... Struggling to make up your mind? You could be stuck in decision paralysis
32 Step out of your comfort zone And discover what this could teach you about your dreams and desires
43 Eating disorders in adults What specific challenges do they face and why is research so limited?
61 Life with ASD Navigating your needs while processing a diagnosis of autism
67 It was love at first sight Is this romantic trope ever true?
83 Explore your relationships With this month’s journaling pages
67
Culture 7 Good news 11 The wellbeing wrap 31 This month’s good reads
Relationships
54 You should try this...
38 A new ADHD diagnosis Ways to really support a friend whose child has ADHD
Food & health
46 Grieving together
Our expert explores gut health
How to be there for others when you’re grieving, too
56 The ultimate pancake recipe
51 Is ‘sorry’ the hardest word?
40 Gut feelings
For Pancake Day and beyond
Learn the key to the perfect apology
74 So, do they work?
58 Dealing with hen-do stress
Rounding up menopause products that actually do what they say on the tin
Navigate the pressures that can come with parties and celebrations
43
Wellbeing
Try this at home
15 7 myths about Tourette’s
36 Take a breath
It’s time to break down some common misconceptions
50 Stop overthinking
20 Not another notification...
78 Solve this issue’s puzzle
Phone-pinging anxiety ends here
22 Is it time to go?
22
76
Signs it’s time to switch jobs
25 What’s going on inside How to open up when you’re not sure how you’re feeling
28 Chronic illness and FOMO Michelle Elman explores tips for handling a fear of missing out
76 Dealing with deadlines Tips to keep cool under pressure
79 Do you fear happiness? You could be experiencing ‘cherophobia’
Positive pointers 18 Five incredible eco initiatives Get the next generation involved
37 Put your best foot forward 5 reasons to give reflexology a go
64 Dating yourself Did you know taking time for you could fuel your creativity?
70 Talk the talk
64
Our expert on how learning new languages come with surprising perks
72 Could this be the secret to clearing your mind?
* Expert review
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. Typically, as human beings, we function within a selfcreated psychological space. We find comfort in this place, which feels familiar as it connects with who we are. But what happens when we reach the edge of this space? Head over to p32 to explore the benefits of overcoming self-imposed limits and boundaries, and stepping out of your comfort zone. Moving beyond the familiar can be scary, and this often puts us off doing so. However, by pushing past this barrier we allow ourselves to grow, and open ourselves up to new experiences – further enriching our lives. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.
Happiful Community
NINA BRADSHAW
Our team
BA (Hons) PGDip MBACP MNCPS
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
Nina is a psychodynamic psychotherapist and artist.
EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
ELIZABETH JAMIESON
ELIZABETH DUNNE
Dip Couns MNCPS (Acc)
MA DSFH
Elizabeth is a counsellor working with anxiety, grief, and midlife issues.
Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer Michelle Elman, Elizabeth Dunne | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Natalie Holmes | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
SOULMAZ BASHIRINIA
CECILE HEMERY
ART & DESIGN
BSc MA MBACP Cert
MiM CPC Dip CBH ICF PCC
Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing
Soulmaz is a psychotherapist and social worker.
Cecile is a career and executive coach helping leaders feel empowered.
Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator
COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator
LOUISE BROWN
FIONA MCALISTER
BA MSc PGCert PGDip MNCPS
BA (Hons) PGDip CertCouns
Louise is a queer, neurodivergent therapist working online.
Fiona is an integrative trauma-informed psychotherapist.
CONTRIBUTORS
JENNIFER DEACON
MARINA SABOLOVA
SPECIAL THANKS
MBACP
BSc (Hons) MSc
Jennifer Deacon is a counsellor with a special interest in eco-anxiety.
Marina is a psychotherapeutic counsellor helping clients make meaningful change.
Fiona Fletcher Reid, Hayley Doyle, Caroline Butterwick, Susan Adair, Hannah Bradfield, Katie Scott, Lucy Harris, Sian Meades-Williams, Emily Wilson, Suzanne Baum, Tanith Carey
Marina Sabolova, Fiona McAlister, Cecile Hemery, Dana Chapman, Elizabeth Jamieson, Louise Brown, Nina Bradshaw, Jennifer Deacon, Nina Jellinek, Soulmaz Bashirinia, Keith Howitt, Georgina Sturmer
MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
DANA CHAPMAN
GEORGINA STURMER
BSc (Hons) mBANT mCNHC
BA (Hons) MBACP
Dana is a nutritional therapist specialising in the gut-brain axis.
Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.
SUBSCRIPTIONS
NINA JELLINEK
LUCY HARRIS
CONTACT
PGDip PGCert MNCPS
DipION mBANT CNHC
Nina is an adult and young person’s counsellor, and a counselling supervisor.
Lucy is a nutritional therapist and health coach specialising in gut health.
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The Uplift ENVIRONMENT
Derby school takes a stand against plastic It’s estimated that around 13 million plastic bottles are used in the UK each year, but now one school in Derby is taking a stand against single-use waste. Alvaston Moor Academy, a secondary school in Derby with 880 students, has provided every pupil with their own reusable water bottle, in a move to save an estimated one million plastic bottles a year from landfill. The school no longer allows the sale of bottled drinks and, instead, has installed hydration stations where students are able to refill their bottles with water for free. As well as the environmental impact, the move is predicted to have an effect on the overall health and wellbeing of students. “A lot of people weren’t drinking water because they were having to buy it, but now they can just get it,” says year 11 student Lucy
Middleton. “Now we have these hydration stations, they are a lot better for people.” “Our impact on the environment will be greatly improved by reducing our plastic waste so drastically,” adds Nathan Jeremiah, chief operating officer at Archway Learning Trust, which runs the school. “We’re also introducing other measures, such as the use of reusable cutlery and
crockery, more sustainable sourcing of ingredients, and sending food waste to be composted.” When thinking about habits we can build to create a more sustainable future, it makes sense to involve the next generation – and moves like this will have long-lasting effects to carry us forward to a greener planet. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 82 | 7
8 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
KIDS
Adventurous children are more active, study finds Children with parents who allow them to take more risks while playing are more likely to reach the recommended levels of exercise, a new study by Coventry University has found. In research involving 645 parents across Australia, it was found that 78% of them didn’t like their children to take risks while playing, and would limit activities such as climbing trees, riding bikes fast down hills, and play-fighting with others. However, the study revealed that children of parents with more relaxed attitudes towards adventurous play were around three times more likely to meet the Australian and UK’s guidelines to get in an hour a day of ‘huff and puff’ exercise. “Obviously, parents don’t want to see their children pick up serious injuries, but evidence suggests most play injuries are minor, and the potential rewards of risk experiences are great,” says Alethea Jerebine, a postgraduate researcher at Coventry University. “We know that through taking risks when they play, children learn about what they can and can’t do, build confidence and independence, as well as learn to manage risk and keep themselves safe. “It’s important for children to develop their understanding of risk from an early age, and build these skills incrementally. We don’t want children to grow up and the first time they’re exposed to risk is when they learn to drive, for example.” The study is a reminder of the importance of embracing adventure and trying new things. And with the health benefits so apparent, a few small scrapes along the way seems like a fair exchange. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 82 | 9
WELLBEING
Variety could be used as a tool for greater wellbeing They say that variety is the spice of life and, now, a study by researchers from the University Psychiatric Clinics Basel, in Switzerland, has found that the more varied locations someone visits, the better their emotional and psychological wellbeing – even if their mental health problems are still there. The study involved 106 patients with mental health conditions, including anxiety, mood, and personality disorders, among others, with a combination of inpatients and outpatients living at home with regular care. For the duration of a week, the patients carried a phone that
tracked their movements with GPS. They also completed surveys on their subjective wellbeing, their psychological flexibility, and their mental health symptoms. What the researchers found was that greater movement appeared to coincide with a greater sense of wellbeing, even though the patients’ symptoms remained consistent. They also found a link between movement and emotional wellbeing and psychological flexibility. While the study didn’t find that variety led to an improvement in mental health problems, it did have connections to overall wellbeing. So, take this as your
sign to try to incorporate a bit more variety into your own life. Whether it’s taking the scenic route on your travels or visiting a new place in your local area, this small change could have a large impact on your mindset.
HEALTH
We’ve reached a pivotal moment in the fight against HIV For the first time in the UK, at-home rapid HIV tests are available to pick up in the supermarket, marking a momentous achievement in both HIV testing and stigma reduction. The tests, created by Newfoundland Diagnostics and available in Tesco, provide results in just 15 minutes with more than 99% accuracy, and come at a time when recent UK Health Security Agency data suggests that HIV rates among heterosexual individuals are growing for the first time in a decade. 10 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
That said, according to data from the UN, global new HIV infections have reduced by 59% since they peaked in 1995, and in the UK the latest estimate suggests that there are 105,200 people living with HIV – with an estimated 94% of these people diagnosed and aware that they have HIV. “Today marks a pivotal moment in the fight against HIV,” says Frederick Manduca, co-founder of Newfoundland Diagnostics, speaking of the launch of the at-home rapid tests. “By making
HIV tests easily accessible as part of routine shopping, our goal is to equip Brits with the necessary tools to identify and manage transmission risks, while encouraging conversations around HIV by placing tests on our supermarket shelves. “Our at-home rapid HIV test aims to increase awareness of HIV among vulnerable groups and help to eradicate stigma, all in the hopes of fostering a more informed society.” Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
The
wellbeing wrap
WATCH THIS SPACE
A study from University College London suggests that those who take daytime naps, could have bigger brains
Shaking up our energy sources is a key conversation, but one concept taking it to the stratosphere is Oxfordshire-based firm Space Solar, with a ‘space farm’ project aiming to take off by 2035. Featuring a 2km-long farm of solar panels orbiting the Earth, the idea is these would beam energy back to the ground much like mobile phone signals. Might the final frontier save our planet?
One of a kind
Portugal ran on 100% renewable energy for nearly six days straight, cutting consumer bills in the process!
A world-first whole eyeball transplant was completed on a military veteran in New York
NASA has succeeded in sending and receiving communications over 10 million miles via laser, for the first time
Kindness is truly a superpower, and now it’s being recognised. Sebbie Hall, 20, performed an act of kindness every day throughout the pandemic – and helped 450 families in the process. On World Kindness Day, a statue (made from recycled materials) was unveiled in his honour at Tower Bridge, London, but will be permanently housed at The Hub in Lichfield. Having a rare chromosome anomaly which impacts his communication, Sebby views acts of kindness as a way to give back and acknowledge the help he received. He really is an everyday superhero. Anastrozole, a drug used in breast cancer treatment, has just been approved in England for preventative purposes too! This is hugely welcome news, with recent research finding that the drug, which is off-patent and can therefore be produced for around 4p per day per user, could reduce breast cancer occurrence by 50% in moderate to high-risk postmenopausal women.
Let the good times bowl! Feeling isolated can be a terrible thing, but an awardwinning tenpin bowling team from Swindon is making a striking difference. Supporting those who are blind or partially sighted, the Swindon Bats compete in the British Blind Sport UK League, providing a great chance for players – and their guide dogs – to unite for some fun. It recently won the BBC Wiltshire’s Together award, which recognises those creating real change “by breaking down barriers and bringing together people from different walks of life for a common cause”, highlighting what a positive difference the team is making.
MEDICAL MARVEL
Blood tests for Alzheimer’s could be five years away! The Blood Biomarker Challenge, a collaboration between several organisations, including the Alzheimer’s Society, Alzheimer’s Research UK, and the National Institute for Health and Care Research, will search for specific brain proteins which can signal the disease, years before symptoms present.
Surprise, surprise
Keep it secret, keep it safe – for a little while at least. That’s according to research from Columbia University suggesting that staying tight-lipped about your good news initially can make you feel more energised! The buzz of revealing your special announcement could be to thank, so shh (for now)... A long-lost, egg-laying mammal, known as Attenborough’s long-beaked echidna, has been photographed in Indonesia. Prior to this, it hadn’t been seen for 60 years, until the team from Oxford University camped out in the tropical forest for four weeks, waiting for a sighting.
Are you guilty of using corporate jargon? While it’s easy to slip into the habit of using business lingo, a survey by Entrepreneur THE RIGHT NOTE magazine has revealed the Music may be the food phrases that most grind of love, but it’s also known to people’s gears. The evoke other emotions, too. Now, worst offender? ‘Circle research from the British Academy of back’, followed by ‘work hard, play hard’, Sound Therapy (BAST) has confirmed and ‘boots on the the amount of listening time needed to ground’. Perhaps it’s achieve this. For relaxation, 13 minutes of time to ditch the work lyricless, slow tempo tunes should work talk, and stick to some some magic. While just nine minutes authentic conversation of fast tempo, positive lyrics, and instead. a driving rhythm can uplift
you. Play on...
Decision time… IT? OR IS
Do you find it hard to make up your mind about almost everything? Do you spend far too long weighing up your options? Then you could be suffering from decision paralysis Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
W
hether it’s choosing the size of your morning coffee, swiping through dating profiles, or considering whether to accept a big promotion at work, we’re presented with thousands of choices every day. Considering all the options before you make any decision is sensible, and often happens quickly, without too much thought. But what if you spend so much time weighing up the possibilities, in so much detail, that you’re actually unable to decide at all? This loop of overthinking is called decision paralysis, and although it might seem like an insignificant problem, or a slightly irritating personality quirk, it might be having a greater impact on your wellbeing than you realise. Although ruminating on an important decision may present as a solely psychological issue, if taken too far it can lead to shallow breathing, insomnia, fatigue, sweating, and a general inability to focus. Long term, overthinking can lead to 12 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
more serious mental health conditions, and impact your capacity to deal with everyday stress.
What causes decision paralysis?
Several factors play a role in decision paralysis. Firstly, sometimes there genuinely are just too many options to choose from! With Google at your fingertips, it’s no wonder it takes you three days to order a new lip balm when there are 10 million search results to sift through. There is also the fear of failure, regret, or making a mistake that could have serious consequences on your work or personal life, as well as personality traits like perfectionism and peoplepleasing. Different childhood environments can exacerbate the problem, too. For example, if you were raised by overly-critical caregivers, or experienced childhood trauma, then your worldview may be tainted by an underlying belief that the world is a scary place, culminating
in a lack of trust in your own abilities. Because attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, and depression affect the brain’s executive function, decision paralysis can be more common for individuals with these conditions. If you think decision paralysis is a symptom of another condition, it’s important to talk to your GP.
Talk to someone you trust
You know that thing where you talk through a problem with a friend, and before you’ve even finished explaining it, you’ve realised what the solution is? Verbalising your options to a trusted pal can make the world of difference when you are stuck in decision paralysis. Just make sure you’re upfront about exactly the kind of support you’re looking for. Perhaps you need a sounding board, help to make a list of pros and cons, or maybe you’re open to their advice because they have specific knowledge or experience that can offer a fresh perspective. This is also an opportunity to get honest
With Google at your fingertips, it’s no wonder it takes you three days to order a new lip balm when there are 10 million search results to sift through about the potential worst-case scenarios associated with your final decision. Can they support you, or help you make a plan if things do take an unexpected turn?
Try therapeutic journaling
One technique that I love to use as part of my decision-making process is a journaling technique that allows me to imagine the potential outcome of each option on the table. Here’s how it works, using my personal example of choosing whether to move in with a friend or live alone: 1.
Start by narrowing down your options to a maximum of three to choose from.
2.
Then, imagine yourself in the future living out the changes that have happened as a result of one of these options.
3.
The trick is to journal in the present tense, for example: “I have just moved in with my best friend. We spend most nights cooking and eating together, our house is warm and cosy.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 13
4. Be honest with yourself about the experience, noting down any obstacles or uncomfortable moments, such as: “We don’t socialise together as much as we used to, our friendship has changed, and it means I feel left out sometimes when she goes out with her work colleagues.” 5. Bring as many sensory elements to your writing as you can, imagining the smells, tastes, sights, sounds, and textures in your potential future. This can tap into your intuition, and may elicit a ‘gut feeling’ about your decision. 6. Repeat this process for the other options available and compare the results to get clarity.
Embrace the unknown
As much as we like to think we can control every minute detail of our lives, the truth is that even the easiest decisions can lead to unexpected outcomes. Once you have settled on a decision, don’t ignore the very real anxiety that exists in your body. Dr Avigail Lev, psychotherapist 14 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
and founder/director at the Bay Area CBT Center, in California, suggests connecting with the body to release the discomfort associated with uncertainty. “Engage in vagus nerve activation exercises like humming, sighing, or shaking parts of your body to dispel anxiety,” Dr Lev says. “Also, explore somatic experiencing, [which is an approach] where you pinpoint where anxiety is most intense in your body. Describe the sensation physically, considering its colour, shape, movement, and texture. Continuously rate the distress level from 0 to 100%, and observe it nonjudgmentally.”
Show yourself kindness
When contradictory thoughts appear, Dr Lev suggests challenging them by “placing your hand on your heart, taking diaphragmatic breaths, performing grounding and mindfulness exercises, practising progressive muscle relaxation, and employing defusion techniques [a way of detangling thoughts from feelings] to distance yourself from challenging thoughts. This might involve thanking your
mind for a difficult thought, or visualising placing such thoughts on passing clouds or leaves.” Many of us hold ourselves to such high expectations that the prospect of making a bad decision is often linked to feelings of low self-esteem. Over time, try to get comfortable with the idea that mistakes are a normal part of being human. As you practise making decisions, repeat the affirmation ‘May I learn from my mistakes’ or ‘My decisions are always the right ones for me’, and then see how it feels. If decision paralysis is affecting your mental health, don’t let the thoughts spiral out of control. Open up to a friend, write it down, and remember that getting comfortable with uncertainty is a process that you might find easier with the support of a trained therapist or counsellor. Take it one little decision at a time, and be proud of yourself for moving forward at your own pace.
Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.
wellbeing
7 myths about
Tourette’s syndrome It’s time to break down these common misconceptions about Tourette’s syndrome, for good Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
M
“
y first encounter with Tourette’s syndrome (TS) was through a movie featuring severe swearing, leaving a lasting impression,” Marina Sabolova, a psychotherapeutic counsellor, shares. “A few years ago, when my four-year-old son began blinking excessively, I initially attributed it to a foreign object in his eye. Concerned, I sought an optician’s evaluation, only to find his eyes in perfect condition. Alarmed, I turned to Google and, upon discovering the possibility of TS, was devastated, fearing he might develop coprolalia – the involuntary and repetitive use of obscene language.
“Professional training allowed me to work with children with TS, altering my perspective,” she continues. “Open conversations at home have brought acceptance and calmness, emphasising the importance of education and awareness.” According to the charity Tourettes Action, TS affects more than 300,000 children and adults in the UK, and yet it’s often shrouded in misconceptions and stigma. A neurological condition that is characterised by repetitive, involuntary movements and vocalisations, known as ‘tics’, precisely how TS may affect an individual varies from person to person – but a
study published in the journal Adolescent Health, Medicine and Therapeutics found that TS was associated with “significant stigmatisation and poor selfperception in a significant number of cases”. “Debunking myths is crucial to combating stigma and fostering understanding,” Marina adds. “Sharing experiences with local families and learning from others have transformed my outlook, making me a more composed parent. Understanding that individuals with TS can lead successful lives emphasises the need to challenge misconceptions and promote empathy.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 15
Here, we’re breaking down seven common myths about TS.
MYTH: ONLY BOYS AND MEN ARE AFFECTED “Historically, it has been suggested that Tourette’s syndrome is three to four times more common in males than females,” says Marina. “However, more recent research has indicated that the gender gap may not be as large as previously thought.” A 2008 study from the University at Buffalo, New York, found that while TS tends to be more severe in boys than girls, in adulthood it appears to be more severe in women than men, and this link 16 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
BLAME OFTEN ACCOMPANIES A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING was later also observed in a 2015 study published in European Psychiatry, which found that the severity of tics improved with age in boys and men, but worsened in girls and women. So, while childhood TS does appear to be more common in boys than in girls, it’s important to recognise that the condition can affect people regardless of their gender.
MYTH: TS CAUSES YOU TO SWEAR “Myths such as that all individuals with the condition engage in inappropriate language (coprolalia) still persist,” says Marina. “The truth is that coprolalia is rare, with most TS individuals exhibiting different types of tics.”
wellbeing
According to the NHS, swearing only affects about one in 10 people with TS. Other examples of vocal tics include grunting, throat clearing, whistling, coughing, tongue clicking, saying random words and phrases, and repeating a sound, word, or phrase. Some people may also experience physical tics, which can include blinking, eye-rolling, grimacing, shrugging, jerking of the limbs, jumping, or touching objects.
MYTH: TICS ARE INTENTIONAL Marina highlights the misconception that tics are intentional and controllable. “In reality, tics are involuntary, and attempts to suppress them can lead to increased tension, exacerbating their manifestation,” she explains. People with TS are likely to experience ‘premonitory sensations’, which are strong urges that happen before a tic – sometimes compared to the feeling you get before you sneeze. The sensation is only relieved after the tic has been carried out – and so, while some people may be able to control their tics for a short period of time, this can become very tiring and result in a worse manifestation the longer they hold out.
MYTH: TICS ARE DISRUPTIVE “Not all tics are conspicuous or disruptive, challenging the belief that TS always manifests prominently,” Marina explains. “The varying intensity of tics allows some individuals with TS to effectively manage their symptoms.” There are many tics that may go unnoticed by the majority of
observers. Additionally, tics may become less noticeable when the individual is working on an activity that involves a high level of concentration – such as reading a good book, or taking part in sports and exercise.
MYTH: TS IS A RESULT OF BAD PARENTING Perhaps related to the misconception that TS always involves swearing is the myth that the condition is linked to bad parenting – but that isn’t the case. “Blame often accompanies a lack of understanding, with the false notion that TS results from psychological factors or poor parenting,” Marina says. “In truth, TS is a genetic neurological disorder, not linked to parenting or psychological causes.” The exact cause of TS isn’t fully understood, though because of the genetic element, a family history of TS can be a risk factor in a child developing the condition.
MYTH: ALL PEOPLE GROW OUT OF TS “Tourette’s syndrome is not limited to children; it can affect individuals of all ages,” Marina says. “While symptoms often appear in childhood (typically between the ages of two and 15), they can persist into adulthood. In some cases, symptoms may become milder or less frequent in adulthood, while in others, they may persist.” There is currently no cure for TS, and the majority of children do not need treatment. However, in the cases where they do, or when it persists into adulthood,
Marina Sabolova is a psychotherapeutic counsellor. Visit the Counselling Directory to find out more.
a combination of therapy and medication can be used.
MYTH: TS IS LINKED TO LEARNING DISABILITIES A learning disability is a condition that can limit cognitive ability. While some children may find that TS can have an impact on their education, it is not true that TS is itself an intellectual disability. “Dispelling the myth that people with TS have learning disabilities is crucial,” Marina explains. “While some may have associated conditions, TS itself doesn’t necessarily impact cognitive abilities.” Instead, TS is linked to other mood and behavioural conditions such as ADHD and OCD. Anxiety and depression can also be common and, sadly, a 2021 study published in Child Psychiatry & Human Development found that children with TS report experiencing being treated differently by teachers and other adults, and bullying is common among peers. For this reason, and more, dispelling myths and promoting understanding of the condition is vital. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 17
A LESSON IN
SUSTAINABILITY Five game-changing eco initiatives to inspire youngsters Writing | Rebecca Thair
O
ur ‘legacy’ is so often synonymous with leaving the world a little better than we found it, but with the climate conversation, and the impact of human activities a constant shadow in many of our minds, this can feel like a failing mission. While it shouldn’t fall onto the shoulders of our descendants to repair the damage done to Mother Earth, the fact that so many of the next generation are already fighting so passionately for our planet’s survival is welcome news. From activists like Greta Thunberg, to Leah Namugerwa, if young adults and childen are our future, they offer a lot of hope that lessons have been learned from mistakes of the past, and won’t be made again.
18 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
And the desire to engage with climate change issues is clearly there, with the charity Global Action Plan reporting that 91% of UK youngsters would like to see their school doing more. But instilling awareness, education,
and sharing practical ways youngsters can get involved in green projects, is something that all of us can do. Here are five activities and ideas to explore with kids, as the next generation of environmentalists awakens.
GET GREEN FINGERED Not only is gardening a mindful activity that can boost our self-esteem and sense of accomplishment, but it’s also a great way to open up conversations with children about the environment. Learning how to grow plants or vegetables – whether in your own patch in the garden, or in pots on the windowsill – and their life cycles can be really valuable. Practical experience grounds the lessons, while the ongoing need to tend to the seedlings also encourages responsibility. They may even be inspired to start a gardening club at school! Leafy greens, carrots, and tomatoes are all good options for beginners to grow, and have the added benefit of allowing them to appreciate the fruits (or vegetables) of their labour on their plate later.
positive pointers
GO ‘PLALKING’ Based on the Swedish concept of ‘plogging’ (picking litter while jogging), give your next walk a mission by encouraging children to litter-pick along the way. Ensure you have appropriate safety equipment (bags, perhaps gloves, or pickers if needed), and set out in the fresh air – you could even make it a competition by keeping count of how much rubbish each person has collected. An activity like this gives them a sense of active participation in helping the planet, while teaching them about being responsible with waste, too. If they really enjoy it, you might want to join an organised beach clean or other group event in future!
COLLECT RAINWATER
CALCULATE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT
Teaching children about conservation through the simple act of collecting and utilising rainwater for your garden can be really beneficial, enabling you to have conversations about reducing waste water, and flooding, for example, when excess water has nowhere to go. For those with limited space, leaving a watering can out on a balcony or patio can be effective, or you may want to make it a bigger project for those with gardens by setting up a rain barrel. For the latter, this can be set up so that your gutters feed straight into it, but collecting rain as it falls from the sky will still be effective.
Using an online calculator (such as footprint.wwf.org.uk or one designed specifically for kids on 8billiontrees.com), explore their personal carbon footprint, talking through what this means, and what contributes to this. You can then get them to try journaling some ideas on simple swaps and changes they can make to their routine to reduce this. They may even be inspired to make recommendations for you, too! To keep up the momentum, you could make it a game by pledging to reduce your footprint by a certain percentage, or to abide by a list of changes and see who does the best.
SCHEDULE ENERGY-FREE TIME This might seem near-impossible in today’s world, but encourage youngsters to devote a particular part of their week (perhaps a morning, or a full day if they’re ambitious) to going energy-free. This can mean no screens, lights, phones, or games consoles, and doing so can really make them more conscious of all the things they interact with on a daily basis that require power, to reduce this moving forward. And, you might find they discover a new passion or hobby by thinking outside the box for some energy-free activities.
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How to deal with
phone-pinging anxiety If the build-up of notifications on your phone is another thing adding to your mental load, use these tips to take back control Writing | Hayley Doyle
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ave you ever tried to stop pandering to your phone? Switching it to silent mode. Setting timers. Leaving it in the other room, on purpose. It’s a good effort but, let’s face it, who are we kidding? Once you glimpse a flash on that screen, you’re toast. You tell yourself, it won’t be anything important, just another mildly amusing meme from your cousin on the family WhatsApp group. Or the school parents chat, pinging with questions about the forthcoming bake sale. But, wait. What if the message is urgent? It could be your friend, the one who’s struggling. Has there been an accident? You race to your device… Oh, great. You’ve been added to a new group chat. Another digital conversation with crossed wires and pressure to ‘do stuff’. Hello, anxiety! Our phones, and apps like WhatsApp, do a lot of good. They have, however, also created an overwhelming workload. Responding to messages can feel like a full-time job. Getting from A to B on daily tasks has become increasingly impossible with this stop-start motion. And if you’re built with the willpower to reply later, forget Netflix. You
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can look forward to an evening overshadowed by message admin. But why do we torture ourselves? What is WhatsApp’s power? Psychotherapist Fiona McAlister says that interactions such as WhatsApp messages provide a quick sense of belonging and validation. “In addition to generating dopamine, even brief or superficial conversations release oxytocin, the bonding hormone, fostering a satisfying connection. In our fast-paced world, these momentary connections act as social ‘snacks’, temporarily fulfilling our need for interaction.” Fiona also warns that those with ‘people-pleasing’ tendencies might feel an urge to frequently check and respond to messages. “This might also affect those who fear isolation and loneliness,” she adds. So how can we maximise WhatsApp’s advantages, while minimising the stress?
A little honesty Face your fears. Tell your friends and family you won’t always respond to every “haha” and “OK”. The crying-laughing emoji gets overused, right? Even tapping a thumbs-up pulls you out of your current reality and into the digital
headspace. You won’t ignore important questions, but be clear about the boundary you’re creating, which stops before tapping a heart every time they share a fancy recipe or a daft joke.
Mark as unread Yes, you can do this on WhatsApp. On an iPhone, if you have read the message but can’t reply until later, swipe to the right and a blue circle will appear. If you’re an Android user, hold the chat down and tap the three dots in the top right corner of the screen, then simply mark it as unread. Once you read this message again, the circle will disappear. If you need more time, repeat the swipe to the right and tap as unread once more.
Remember to talk When we type, we pause whatever we’re doing. And this pause can be long. We type, then delete, then rephrase. Stress levels rise. So why not just call? Information can be communicated much more efficiently when spoken. A real conversation gives you what you need much more instantly than an ‘instant’ message. Plus, you’ll have engaged in some much-needed human connection.
“These momentary
connections act as social ‘snacks’, temporarily fulfilling our need for interaction
wellbeing
Fiona McAlister is an integrative trauma-informed psychotherapist. Visit the Counselling Directory for more .
Take a moment Our phones can be like bullies! Group messaging might unsettle users, because not everybody wants to respond or engage with the chat. Fear of missing out can kick in and result in you sending a message, under pressure. Then, fear of rejection gets you. You realise you were the last person to message and nobody has responded. Now you fear you’re being judged. Was I too harsh? Not funny? It’s a lot. A group chat is not a real conversation. There are no facial expressions to see, or tones of voice to hear. So just breathe. You might resist typing and be relieved later.
It’s better one-on-one Turning off notifications won’t help much because when you return to the app and see 68 new messages, your anxiety is likely to go into overdrive. So instead of jumping back into group chats, reach out to one person. Talk or text, but let the chat unfold oneon-one so it’s clear and linear. This will soften your mental chatter. It can be socially awkward to leave the group chat altogether. While it might be easy to exit the holiday group if you can’t actually make it to the trip away, it’s much more complicated to leave your besties or family. A private chat, away from all the noise, might do you good. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 21
Role up? How to know if it’s time to change jobs Writing | Caroline Butterwick
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o you find yourself scrolling through job ads, wondering whether it’s time to try something new? Or are you torn between the desire to change careers versus worried about losing the security and stability of your current role? Whether it’s looking for a promotion in the area you currently work in, or making the leap into the unknown with a new career entirely, changing jobs can be both exciting and stressful. So how can you know when it’s the right time to start looking for a new job?
SIGNS THAT IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE “Some signs that might come up are feeling disengaged with your job, or finding yourself procrastinating on things that you used to take pleasure in,” explains career and executive coach Cecile Hemery. “Feeling frustrated about people and little things might be a sign that what you’re actually frustrated about is being there. Finally, if you’re stagnating in your role, and have been in it for years without a 22 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
promotion, it might be time to explore elsewhere.” So, take some time for reflection. When you think about your current job, what emotions come to mind? Do you regularly dread going to the office? Do you find it constantly boring, or that it doesn’t utilise your skills, or give you a chance to grow?
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? “When you’re unhappy in a role, it’s important to reflect on what the root causes are, and try to address them,” Cecile says. “You don’t want to start a new job bringing that weight with you. ‘Starting fresh’ is different from ‘running from’.” If we’re feeling dissatisfied with our current job, it doesn’t always mean we should look elsewhere. Sometimes there are things we can do to resolve any issues. Cecile explains: “In large companies, there are often opportunities to change roles, to work in a different department and to try out a new role. In smaller companies, this might not be a possibility. In these cases, it could be helpful to reflect on what
the issue is: is it the role that is not interesting anymore? Or do you have some disagreements with management? It might be helpful to talk about them. Sometimes, my clients hold a grudge over something they actually never asked for, and once they did, they got it.” If you have a supportive line manager, you could chat to them about ways you can grow in your current role, or see if they have any advice for progressing in your company. Having this conversation can help you fully understand your options, and realise whether staying put is the best option for now, or if you should start searching elsewhere.
THE PROS AND CONS OF CHANGING JOB Changing jobs can be brilliant, but it comes with a level of risk. “Even after a thorough interview process, you can never be entirely sure what you’re getting. There is a risk it might not be what you thought it would be,” advises Cecile. “Sadly, it happens. And a new job comes with a probation period that can leave you stranded if it’s not working out.” >>>
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‘STARTING FRESH’ IS DIFFERENT FROM ‘RUNNING FROM’
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Try these four steps: • Reflect on how you feel about your current role and workplace. • Unhappy? Unfulfilled? Dig into why. • Consider if there are ways to change/improve/fix this ‘why’ where you are. If not, it could be worth looking elsewhere. If there are, speak to your manager to explore development opportunities, or to discuss concerns. • If you decide to move on, take your time (and really consider what would be most important and improve your feelings about work in your next role).
Of course, a new job can often be a wonderful opportunity. “A change of scenery can be very beneficial for your mental health,” Cecile explains. “It’s an opportunity to meet new people, to learn new things, and also to create new habits in your life.” You may find that a new job allows you to explore your interests, utilise more of your skills, and do something that you enjoy, in ways your previous employment didn’t.
DECIDING WHAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU “I don’t think looking for a new job is ever bad; keeping tabs on opportunities is healthy,” says Cecile. “In any case, good questions to consider are: is my job actually supporting my life? If you have family obligations, for example, you might want a job that gives you that space. Another aspect to consider is whether this is supporting you in your professional growth. What are you learning in your role? What connections are you 24 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
making? If you don’t have a long-term goal quite defined yet, it’s still a good idea to think it through in terms of what you’re learning. Especially early on in your career, acquiring new skills and experience will benefit you down the road.” Cecile explains that a new job is an occasion to reassess what you want in your life, and whether your job fits with that vision. “Maybe you’d like to travel more, be close to your family, or maybe you have financial obligations,” she says. “Figure out what are the important things in your life, and how that impacts your job options.” It’s also good to consider the specifics of the role itself, and how this relates to your life goals. “Think about what new skills or knowledge it’s bringing you, and how excited you are about those responsibilities,” says Cecile. “Think also about company culture. What values should the company embody? What working environment
suits you best? What type of manager and colleagues do you want to work with? What kind of impact do you want to have? And of course, there is compensation, as a new job is an opportunity to increase your income or have better benefits.” Speaking to a career coach or someone who works in your field can also be helpful for figuring out what’s best for you. Just remember, changing jobs can be a big decision, so take your time and think through your options. Whatever you decide, make sure your job is working for you.
Cecile Hemery is a career and executive coach, helping people regain confidence and clarity in their careers. Find her profile on the Life Coach Directory.
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Lost for words How to open up when you don’t know what you’re feeling Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
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our inner world can be an intense place to live. Whether it’s worrying about the future, ruminating on the past, or feeling stuck where you are, it’s easy to get so caught up in your own thoughts that you shut everyone out, even when you suspect that opening up might ease your pain. Mental health advice is often centred around the idea that it’s good to talk about your emotions. But how can you verbalise your feelings when you haven’t really figured out what they are?
Why are emotions so hard to put into words?
As difficult as it is to accept, emotions don’t manifest in the ways we’re conditioned to expect. In the same way that the word ‘blue’ is an umbrella term for thousands of different hues, emotions can’t be easily separated and defined. “We don’t all feel the same feelings in the same way,”
counsellor Georgina Sturmer explains. “Your version of anxious or angry might feel different from my version of anxious or angry. We sense our feelings in our bodies and minds in distinct and individual ways.” To further complicate things, it’s common to hold contradictory emotions at the same time. For example, when you break up with your partner you may experience a messy cocktail of grief, embarrassment, and freedom all at once. Explaining that to other people might be too confusing to even try. Each emotion moves at its own pace, depending on the situation and the person. “Our emotions don’t walk into the room and introduce themselves,” says Georgina. “Sometimes they creep up slowly, unannounced. Sometimes they rush in and take over the whole space before we can do anything. And sometimes they hide away, ignored or rejected.”
How talking helps
When you’re feeling intense emotions, especially those linked to fear, it’s difficult to think logically, and find practical ways to support yourself. This is because your brain has switched to survival mode, something that makes the logical part of your brain much harder to access. Research published in Psychological Science shows that talking openly about your emotions can dampen this survival response over time. For example, if you know that being home alone triggers an overwhelming set of emotions, the more you talk through the emotions verbally, the more able you will be to manage future reactions to the same situation.
Address the shame
While we’re all for education and solution-based approaches to mental health issues, the truth is that you cannot out-think an emotional response. When you >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 25
Georgina Sturmer is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a happier and more confident life. Visit the Counselling Directory for more.
tell yourself that you should be able to ‘deal with it’ and feel unable to, you’re unconsciously shaming yourself for your perceived inability to cope. You have to let go of the desire to explain, justify, or rationalise the emotion and, instead, allow yourself to feel it physically in the body. This means relinquishing the need for control, which is often very confronting. Getting to this point is a process that takes time and support. “It starts with noticing,” says Georgina. “Noticing the events or people that trigger the sense that things are off. It might be lifestyle factors too – does sleep, food, or drink play a role? You might become aware of patterns or themes that emerge. Notice what your body feels like, the rhythm of your breath, are you able to stay present or do you disappear off somewhere in your mind?” Acknowledge that this type of self-enquiry is a skill, and one that takes some time to master. Be patient as you uncover the nuances of your emotional world, and allow it to exist without needing to fix things. 26 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Consider your emotional vocabulary
You may have grown up in an environment where feelings were simplified into just a few options, such as happy, angry, or sad. But the human experience is far more complex than that, and while we are limited by language, there are ways to expand our emotional vocabulary. Consider looking at a feelings wheel which can be found online, and features seven core feelings, as well as multiple sub branches and words to define the subtleties of each emotion. Alternatively, try to imagine the different aspects of how you feel in a creative way. Consider if your feelings match a particular scent, colour, flavour, or weather pattern, and try writing it down or drawing a picture. Doing this can give you a starting point to explain your feelings in more depth, and then share this with someone you trust.
Walk and talk
Once you’ve got a little clarity on your feelings, going on a walk can be a less intimidating
way of expressing them. The forward motion, lack of eye contact, open expanse of sky, and connection to nature all contribute to a more calming environment, which can allow you to open up with ease. You don’t have to jump into deep discussions straight away either, just take things one step at a time (literally). When you find yourself more relaxed and ready to talk, you can begin to open up – and remember, you don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Talking it through might help make sense of things. Phrases to use when you’re ready to open up about your emotions: • “I’ve been feeling a little off lately, would it be OK if I try to explain it to you?” • “I need to vent, do you have time to talk?” • “I’m not coping very well, can you help me figure things out?” • “Have you used a feelings wheel? I want to show you how I’ve been feeling.”
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Talking isn’t the only option
If expressing your emotions in person fills you with dread, or renders you unable to speak without feeling self-conscious, consider another means of communication. Sending a text message might work for you, but be wary if being left ‘on read’ has the potential to lead to feelings of rejection. If you’re worried about your text being taken the wrong way, a voice note can help you express your feelings more clearly, as the recipient will take cues from your tone of voice.
Have realistic expectations
You have to let go of the desire to explain, justify, or rationalise the emotion and, instead, allow yourself to feel it physically in the body
Depending on the person you choose to open up to, you may not get the response you’re hoping for. Be realistic about how much support or understanding other people are able to offer and, if you can, open the conversation by clarifying how they can help you. For example, if you’re opening up to a friend about emotions related to work, and you are certain that you don’t want to leave that workplace, ask kindly that the friend listens to your concerns without telling you to look for another job. On the other hand, if you’re looking for practical solutions to how you’re feeling, invite them to make suggestions so that you can find a way through together. And remember, even if a problem can’t be tied up neatly in a bow, you’ve reached out to talk about your emotions which is proven to help, so it will make a tangible difference in the long run. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 27
How to handle FOMO with a chronic illness There are times when we’re afraid of missing out, and others when we honestly just don’t have the energy. But resenting your body might hold you back more. Instead, why not flip the narrative to treasure the times you do get to enjoy, and celebrate the wonderful things your body can do! Writing | Michelle Elman
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hen you have a chronic illness, it can feel too easy to be angry at your body for not allowing you to do everything that you want to do. It can be easy to compare your body to your peers, and wonder why yours limits you, and stops you either physically or energywise. But over the years, I have realised that this line of thinking not only led to more anger at my body than it deserved, but resentment, too. I know this mentality all too well, as someone who has been through 15 surgeries and spent most of their childhood in and out of hospital. As a teenager in particular, I would spend many days wishing I could be like my friends. Especially when I was in hospital, I would crave to be ‘normal’, and even back in school. Not being in school meant being different, and different meant standing out at a time in my life when I just wanted to fit in.
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The turning point came when I was hospitalised again at 19 years old. If I thought I couldn’t do much before, I could do even less then because I was bed bound for an indefinite amount of time. It would end up only lasting for six weeks, which in the context of my hospital stays is short, but with this neverending timeline hanging over my head, there was little else that I could do for those six weeks but think. I began contemplating all the times I had said no because I was too worried about what I looked like, or simply didn’t join in with my friends because I couldn’t be bothered. Two memories stuck out. One was a dance class that I didn’t go to because I was worried about being the ‘fat girl’, so I stayed home while all my housemates went without me. The second was a card game, and this one was even sillier because the only reason I didn’t join my
friends was because they lived in a different house, and it was too cold and wet outside. Living in a chronically ill body meant I knew the feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out) all too well from the times when I was too ill to go to school, or was in hospital so couldn’t be with my friends, but these regrets that stuck in my mind were neither of those things. Those two memories were moments where I chose to miss out for whatever reason. I realised that the mentality that my body was holding me back was a true one, but there were many other instances where my mind held me back, too. And that’s when I made myself a promise that even if I can’t control my body, I could control my mind and my insecurities, and those were not reasons I was ever going to say no again in the future. The reality is, whether you have a chronic illness or not, we all get the fear of missing out. You physically can’t be in all places at
@MICHELLELELMAN
I made myself a promise that even if I can’t control my body, I could control my mind and my insecurities, and those were not reasons I was ever going to say no again
the same time, and the trick isn’t to avoid that feeling, but instead to treasure where you are currently, and the places you do get to be. I spent so much of my life emphasising what I couldn’t do – from riding roller coasters to joining in with gymnastics at school – that I didn’t realise how much my body could do! My body has been fighting to keep me alive each and every day. It has had more challenges than most other bodies, but that’s not a reason to be hard on it – that’s a reason to love it more and be more grateful for all the smart things our bodies do to simply get us to survive.
In life coaching, there is a saying that goes, ‘You always have three choices: change it, accept it, or suffer.’ When it comes to our health, because it is largely out of our control, I have found that accepting the body I was given has given me the greatest peace. The more I longed and wished for a body that I didn’t have, the more I found I was forcing myself to try to keep up. In doing so, I was actually ignoring the times my body was telling me to stop or slow down. Living a fulfilling life with a chronic illness has been a long road, but ultimately what it’s taught me is to listen to my body,
because if you don’t listen when it whispers, it will scream. You shouldn’t have to wait until you are exhausted and broken down to take a break, and if that means that you do less than everyone else, that is OK. The only reason you feel shame about that is because society puts so much emphasis on productivity, and always being on the go and, in all honesty, I’m not sure that’s the epitome of health either!
Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 82 | 29
“We don’t inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children DAVID BROWER
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Happiful reads... From a gluten-free baking cookbook to a celebratory read about a UK national treasure, we share four books that we think you’ll love Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
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ccording to research published by the Mental Health Foundation, a staggering 60% of adults in the UK have experienced anxiety that has interfered with their daily life. For those on the receiving end, the symptoms that come with anxiety can feel scary and overwhelming. But, the good news is there are things you can do to help put
Ten Times Calmer: Beat Anxiety and Change Your Life by Dr Kirren Schnack
your anxiety in the back-seat and reclaim control. Showing us how to take the first step is Dr Kirren Schnack, a clinical psychologist whose primary goal is to help those who don’t have access to therapy. She uses her wealth of experience to help people understand what they’re feeling – including how to adapt and manage those feelings
with practical exercises and advice. Think of her as a friend who wants the best for you and your mental health, and take her hand as she guides you down a path to being ten times calmer.
Freee Baking: 100 Gluten Free Recipes by Clare Marriage To all the foodies out there who are new to gluten-free baking, take a little inspiration from the crème de la crème of the UK’s gluten-free flour brand. With more than 100 simple and delicious recipes to get stuck into, from Victoria sponge cake to homemade pasta, learn how to become a gluten-free master of some of the best-loved bakes.
A Poem For Every Night of the Year edited by Allie Esiri Poets and poetry lovers, gather round – we’ve got a delightful addition to your collection, that will bring a touch of magic to your evening reads. This extraordinary book features 366 poems, one for every night of the year and beyond, showcasing the incredible works of some of our favourite poets, from Shakespeare to Maya Angelou.
Must reads The Wit and Wisdom of David Attenborough by Chas Newkey-Burden Sir David Attenborough has spent all of his working life shaping our understanding of the natural world for the better, and it’s something we will forever be grateful for. Now, author Chas Newkey-Burden takes us back through the incredible life and legacy of the nation’s favourite broadcaster.
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What’s waiting for you on the other side of your comfort zone? Taking a step away from the things that feel familiar isn’t always easy, but doing so could unlock a whole new way of living Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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here are few things that we can guarantee in life, but one of them is that time will keep on moving forward. Each day will roll into the next, the calendar cycles through the months, and the years keep coming – the next one always feeling slightly faster than the last. Whether you find this idea a comfort or a concern will depend on your outlook, but something that many of us fall into is a level of predictability. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. When we feel safe and secure, taking our time and falling into patterns, banking on the idea that ‘someday’ will happen, someday, is natural. In fact, to some degree, it’s necessary. Many of us live lives that have to be predictable in some sense. We have to be in certain places at certain times. Caring
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responsibilities, financial commitments, health, and countless other demands can play a role in why we remain in our comfort zones. But, could there be a benefit to pushing those boundaries every now and then? In a 2023 study, published in Frontiers in Psychology, researchers analysed the experiences of 198 students, from six courses in five different countries, as they were encouraged to leave their comfort zones with a series of eight to 10 challenges. What the researchers found was that learning occurred when the participants left their comfort zones, and that the key to learning was an element of surprise. The paper on the research starts with a quote from the Roman playwright Terentius: Fortes fortuna adiuvat, fortune favours the bold.
In the real world It’s a proverb that suits Charlotte Rooney. At the age of seven, Charlotte moved from the UK to Canada to begin school in a brand new country. At age 15 she moved to France to finish high school. At 18 she moved to the Netherlands for university, and at 23 she was off to Peru to run a volunteer project. Four years later, Charlotte arrived in Bolivia to set up an agricultural business school in a rural village, before becoming a humanitarian aid worker in a war zone in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). She later joined a management firm, before leaving it all behind in 2022 to begin her coaching and mentoring business. When she reflects on what this experience has taught her, she shares how living in many countries, meeting new people, >>>
10 SMALL WAYS TO STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE RIGHT NOW
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Start a conversation with a stranger. Sign up to learn a new sport. Make a meal with ingredients you haven’t tried before. Set yourself a goal to complete this time next week, next month, or next year. Go alone to something you usually do with others. Read a genre you don’t normally pick up. Learn a new professional skill. Challenge a deep-rooted belief you hold.
Face a fear.
Explore a new area.
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Adela Mei
and speaking multiple languages has transformed her ability to connect with others. “In a general sense, pushing yourself to do things which feel uncomfortable causes you to grow and learn new things (as long as you are open to it!). You will find out that you have talents you didn’t know about, and strengths that you love using, which means you can use them more and give yourself more chances to be happy.” But, as Charlotte explains, ‘achievements’ in whatever form that may be for you, aren’t the only reward for stepping out of your comfort zone. “Challenges teach you how to ask for and accept help, and how to recognise when you’ve gone too far to manage alone,” she explains. “Sometimes that can be as small as needing to ask for a translation, and other times it can be much more consequential, like when you realise that you have agreed to do one more project than you can handle without burning out, and you need to have an awkward 34 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Charlott e Roone y
Pushing yourself to do things which feel uncomfortable causes you to grow and learn new things conversation with the people you have overcommitted yourself to. Or, it can show you what you don’t want – like when a crisis in the DRC taught me that I no longer wanted to be an adventurer chasing danger.” It’s also important to recognise that precisely what pushing yourself out of your comfort zone looks like will be different for each of us. Take Adela Mei, for example, who experienced a pivotal moment in her life when, aged 50, she learnt to ride a motorbike. “Last year, I was suffering from social media burnout from working online for long hours,
and leading a life plugged into my computer as all my coaching work was online,” Adela explains. “I celebrated my 50th birthday and decided to push myself out of my comfort zone, and do something I had wanted to do since I was a teenager: learn to ride a motorbike!” Adela recalls having to overcome a lot of fear and doubt as she began her lessons, but with perseverance and practice, she passed her test to get her full bike licence. “I was drawn to learning to ride a bike as I needed something drastic to shift in my life,” she says. “This experience changed
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me completely; I felt freedom and confidence knowing now that I can do anything that I put my mind to.”
Is this your year? In a study published in Psychological Science, researchers found that seeking discomfort can lead us to feel motivated, because those tangible feelings of discomfort can be seen as progress towards our goals. Other studies have similarly linked it to inspiration, personal growth, and overall happiness. Perhaps this is the year you start saying ‘yes’ more, or maybe open yourself up to
new challenges and set goals that you always thought were beyond your reach. Whatever it may be, Charlotte has some insider tips. “First, think about what it is that you really want to do, but are feeling nervous or afraid to do. When we do hard things, having a really compelling reason to do them makes it easier, because you can remind yourself when it gets hard and you’re tempted to quit, you can remind yourself why you’re doing it and get re-motivated. It’s going to feel uncomfortable at times – and that is normal.
“I would also plan for your recovery. Imagine it’s like you are inside a bubble, and what you want to do is gently stretch the bubble a bit (not explode it!) and then you let it come back to its normal size, recover, and remind your brain and nervous system that you are safe. That is what grows your self-trust. And what feels more manageable,” Charlotte continues. There is a lot to gain from stepping out of our comfort zones every now and then, whether that’s in big or small ways, further afield or on your doorstep, in meaningful or playful ways. So, with all that to consider, what will you do next? happiful.com | Issue 82 | 35
Countdown to sleep Try this soothing breathing exercise to help send you off to the land of nod
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rouble falling asleep? You may have been told to count sheep, but perhaps you’d be better off counting your breaths… Combining the relaxing effects of focused breathwork with the mental exercise of counting backwards, this technique is a great way to set you up for slumber. By focusing on the numbers, you can bring your attention to the moment, rather than any distracting thoughts or worries whirling around your mind. 1. In bed, get comfortable and close your eyes gently. 2. Really focus on being present – the feeling of the mattress supporting you, the bedding cocooning you, your belly slowly rising and falling with each breath. 3. When you’re ready, pick a starting number you’ll count back from (this could be 20, or even 100). 4. Try to maintain a steady breathing pattern, counting down with each exhale. 5. You may find you drift off before reaching one, but if you don’t repeat the exercise as needed. Sweet dreams!
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5 reasons to try reflexology Looking for a holistic therapy to bring balance to your body? Reflexology, could be just what you need. Here are five reasons to dip your toe into the world of reflexology... Writing | Kat Nicholls
1. To uncover imbalance
3. To de-stress
As your reflexologist massages your reflex points (places on your feet and hands believed to correspond to areas of the body), they may notice some feel different (perhaps ‘grainy’). This indicates an imbalance in the corresponding part, revealing where work is needed. The aim of reflexology is to use massage on the reflex points to restore energy flow through the entire body, and uncovering any imbalance is a key part of this.
Our feet are often neglected, as we stand on them and tuck them away in shoes for hours on end. Reflexology offers space to give them (and us) some much-needed TLC. The process is relaxing as you are often seated or lying down in a calm environment as the reflexologist gets to work. While there may be areas of tension, overall the massage should feel pleasant, helping you rest in a state of deep relaxation. Regular reflexology sessions make rest a habit. This only enhances the other benefits of reflexology, as less stress means a better-performing immune system, better sleep, and a greater sense of wellbeing.
2. To aid natural healing Our bodies have some incredible natural healing powers, but sometimes they just need a gentle nudge. Reflexology can offer this, stimulating the reflex points thought to correspond with the internal systems responsible for healing. As reflexology is non-invasive, it acts as a complement to other treatments you may be receiving. You can think of reflexology as a way of supporting your body through the healing process, giving it a helping hand.
4. To ease pain Some people turn to reflexology to support pain relief. The relaxing nature of the treatment can help lower perceived pain interpretation, while stimulating the body’s healing systems to help deal with the root issue.
If you’re experiencing pain, visiting your GP is important. Reflexology can complement treatment advised by your doctor, helping you carve out essential self-care time, but do get medical support, too.
5. To lift your mood Reflexology is a complementary approach, and can be a wonderful companion to talk therapies and other interventions to support your mental health. By promoting restful sleep, encouraging balance and reducing stress, the therapy can help us feel more energised and uplifted. Our minds and bodies are interconnected, and reflexology is considered a holistic therapy, meaning it doesn’t solely work on the body. The balance it’s restoring may be emotional, helping to remove blocks or release negativity.
Learn more about reflexology and find a reflexologist on the Therapy Directory. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 37
How to support a friend with a child’s ADHD diagnosis A diagnosis can be a key milestone for a child and their parents, here’s what you can do to offer support Writing | Susan Adair
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upport is one of the cornerstones of relationships, be it with your family or even your friends. In fact, support is so important, several studies have shown that good support has the ability to reduce the incidence of mental health conditions, and can improve our mental wellbeing on a daily basis. Parenting a child is hard, but it can be especially difficult when the child (or children) has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Parents and caregivers can feel at sea as they navigate this new journey. Helping them as they work through the diagnosis can provide the support that they need to make life better for the whole family. So, here’s how you can support a friend after their child has received a diagnosis.
Understand that the child isn’t being naughty Behavioural issues are often associated with ADHD. Some of the behaviours such as 38 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
meltdowns (kids with ADHD do not have ‘tantrums’), anger, impulsiveness, and the inability to sit still, are hallmark features of the condition. Learning to understand that these are a result of the condition, and not because the child is being naughty, can allow you to make strides in helping support your friend and their family. Some kids have more hyperactive traits, others will have traits associated with inattentiveness, and some will have a combination of both. Ask your friend how ADHD presents in their kid, and how you can recognise when they may need some help.
Ask your friend what you can do to make their life a bit easier
Kids with ADHD can struggle with relaxing or quiet time. Their brain and body may constantly be on the go, which means their parents may be constantly on the go, too. Most parents can struggle with asking for help,
and they may only do so when they have reached rock bottom. Offering, or providing help without being asked, can make such a difference when someone feels like they desperately need a break. Bringing the child to a place they can use up some energy safely, cooking a meal or two, and just being there to listen are all great ways to help make their day a bit easier.
Be a sounding board for the times when life gets tough
Your friend needs someone who will listen and not judge them. Who understands that sleep is hard to come by, and there are only four foods their child will eat. That sometimes the only place you can go with your child is the same park you have already visited 127 times, and your friend needs to know that it isn’t a big deal. They don’t want you to know everything, they just need to know that their family is safe with you – in whatever form that may take.
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Include the child in activities and outings
As mentioned before, children with ADHD are often seen as naughty and misbehaving, when we know that they can be struggling with their emotions, reacting to being overstimulated and sometimes just being kids. Culturally, these children are seen to be ‘bouncing off walls’ and disrupting others, but for many children, this is not how they behave. Not all environments are suitable for a person with ADHD. Sensory overload in the form of noise, colours, people, or smells can be very triggering, and the child can find it hard to move past this and may become overwhelmed. If you
are including the child in your family activities, it may be useful to speak with the parent to see if what you are doing would be suitable.
Read books and blogs, and learn about ADHD in the ‘real world’
One of the most important things I learned when I was training to be a mental health nurse is that what we read about in textbooks and what we see in practice can often be vastly different. In my opinion, this is never truer than when we speak about the brain. A great way of getting real insight into ADHD and how it affects children, and their families, is by reading or watching the lived experience of others. More and more people are
Your friend needs someone who will listen and not judge them talking about their experiences and how living with these conditions impacts their day-today lives. The benefit of this is that it is so much easier to access great information that will help you get a better understanding of what the child and their family are going through. And that’s where you’ll really start to make a difference. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 39
Ask the experts
How do I know if my gut is healthy? Nutritional therapist Dana Chapman answers your questions on gut health. Read more about Dana on the Nutritionist Resource.
Q
What does the gut do for our overall health?
A
The topic of gut health is hot on everyone’s lips right now. When you are a nutrition or functional medicine practitioner, and faced with a complex client,
Q I often hear the term ‘gut microbiota’. What exactly is this?
A
The gut microbiota refers to the trillions of bacteria, fungi, viruses, and protozoa that live within the large intestine. Within the gut microbiota, there are many different families and
the gut is always the first place that you start. The reason is that if the gut is not functioning effectively, we’re simply not able to absorb nutrients from the food that we are eating, which prevents the body from healing or performing at its best.
If the gut isn’t working effectively, this can also activate the stress response – and with the amount of external stress people are under today, we don’t need the added internal stress! On the other hand, a well-functioning gut can help keep stress levels in check.
species of bacteria, fungi, and other microorganisms. Some people like to explain this by using the analogy of a forest. In a forest, there are lots of different plants that live in harmony with each other – they all keep each other ‘in check’. If, however, something happens, such as disease or someone chops down a part of the forest, then this
harmony is disturbed, and some plants can start to overgrow because they have the space to do so. The same can happen in our gut. Given the wrong foods (e.g. sugar), potentially non-beneficial bacteria can start to overgrow, and that may lead to symptoms such as bloating, gas, and loose stools – to name a few.
Nutritionist Resource is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
Dana’s top tips for resetting your gut health:
Q What are the signs of good gut health?
A
Either a lack of gut-related symptoms or optimal health may be signs of good gut health. But, we are often unaware of the wide variety of symptoms that can be attributed to poor gut health. These can be broken down into two categories: • Wider symptoms, such as skin conditions including eczema, spots or acne, brain fog,
depression or anxiety, joint pain, poor stress response, and autoimmunity. • Specific gut-related symptoms, such as acid reflux, indigestion, bloating, gas, undigested food in stool, constipation, and loose stools. So, good gut health would mean an absence of any of these symptoms. You would have vibrant health, including vibrant mental health.
• Have good eating hygiene. Eat in a state of rest, digest, and repair – which is the opposite of our stress mode. So don’t eat on the run; take time to sit down, breathe, and smell your food, giving your body the best chance of digesting that food effectively so that you can absorb all the gorgeous nutrients from it. • Eat a wide variety of colourful foods. A common recommendation is 30 different plant foods per week. This can be achieved by throwing lots of different vegetables into a salad or soup, adding different nuts and seeds to meals, and eating seasonally. • Load up on fibre, but go slow to start off with. The gut microbiome loves fibre, so by feeding the gut with fibre-rich foods like fruit and vegetables, beans, lentils, nuts, and seeds, you’ll be well on your way to feeding your gut microbiome in a good way. • Introduce fermented foods into your diet. If you don’t eat these regularly then go low and slow to start off with, as they may cause gas and bloating. Think kefir, kimchi, kombucha – 30ml a day is all you need – sauerkraut, yoghurt, natto, tempeh, miso, and sourdough.
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“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind CAROLINE MYSS
Photograph | John Diez
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a look inside
Eating disorders later in life: Why research needs to be more inclusive
What challenges affect older adults with eating disorders, and is a lack of diversity in research compounding the issue? Writing | Kat Nicholls
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hen you picture someone with an eating disorder, what comes to mind? For some, it’s likely that a particular type of person appears in their mind’s eye – a white teenage girl. While, of course, this can be true, eating disorders affect people of any age, race, or gender. Slowly, progress is being made in terms of awareness, with more people understanding the variety of people that can be affected. Yet, there is still a gap in research. “We’ve definitely seen a lack of diversity in eating disorder research, and while there has been more attention on the topic in recent years, there’s still a really long way to go,” Umairah Malik, clinical advice coordinator at eating disorder charity Beat explains.
“Research samples often include mostly young white women, while some studies don’t report their demographic data at all. This means that research findings are difficult to generalise, and there’s a lack of understanding on eating disorders in different groups, despite knowing that anyone from any background can be affected.” This lack of research and understanding can fuel stereotypes, which may prevent people from reaching out for support. Looking at age specifically, Umairah explains how this misinformation can prevent people from finding the help they need. “There’s a misconception that only young people can experience an eating disorder, which can mean that older
people might not recognise the signs of an eating disorder in themselves or a loved one.”
WHY IS RESEARCH SO LIMITED? Early intervention is often highlighted, as getting support sooner in the eating disorder’s development can improve the chances of recovery. This could explain the research leaning towards younger people, because of the assumption that older people with eating disorders have had them for a long time. While this may be the case, this thinking fails to consider those who do develop an eating disorder later in life. And, regardless, shouldn’t we be looking into how to help those who have struggled longterm, too? >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 43
Another possible reason is the way organisations recruit research participants. They may rely on social media or eating disorder clinics, where there can be a younger demographic. But, whatever the prime cause, the problems resulting from a lack of inclusivity remain the same. “A lack of diversity in research means that what we learn and know about eating disorders is based on groups of people who aren’t representative of everyone affected,” Umairah says. “This means that specific challenges or presentations in different groups aren’t understood and identified, which is why it’s so important for research to be more diverse. “With more inclusive research, eating disorder treatments can become more effective for underserved groups, leading to improved experiences of treatment, and better outcomes.”
WHAT CAN TRIGGER AN EATING DISORDER LATER IN LIFE? There can be a number of reasons why someone might develop an eating disorder at an older age. In mid-life and beyond, there can be a range of life events that turn our world upside44 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
down, including bereavement, divorce, retirement, caring for ageing parents, and empty nest syndrome, to name a few For some, eating disorders become a coping mechanism to deal with difficult feelings triggered by these events.
Others may feel insecure about the way their body is changing as they age. They may then develop a fixation on their appearance, which can lead to an eating disorder – the preoccupation with youth in the beauty industry no doubt plays a role here.
a look inside
Beat helplines are open 365 days a year from 1pm–9pm during the week, and 5pm–9pm on weekends and bank holidays. England: 0808 801 0677 Scotland: 0808 801 0432
Some may be put on medications that impact their appetite and weight, leading to a desire to control what suddenly feels out of control. Physical changes like menopause and male ageing can also have an effect on mental health, often triggering an increase in anxiety, which could lead to eating disorder behaviours for some. These are all just examples and, for others, there may be different factors at play. Eating disorders are complex and often have multiple causes, no matter what stage of life you’re in.
and recognising the experiences of people with an eating disorder later in life is so important.” There can also be unique reasons holding an older adult back from getting help. They may feel like they should have their
WHAT CHALLENGES CAN SOMEONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER FACE LATER IN LIFE?
life ‘together’ and therefore be resistant to support. There could even be misdiagnoses if medical professionals aren’t thinking to look out for eating disorder signs. Treatment for eating disorders from professionals is often needed for recovery. Due to the lack of research, there can be challenges for older people in the treatment space, too. They may struggle to navigate recovery alongside what else is going on in their lives, or they may lack the familial support younger people tend to have. The lack of agency during treatment can hit harder for independent adults, too.
While eating disorder symptoms can be very similar across different ages, the context in which they’re experienced is different. This can lead to specific challenges. “People might be experiencing different life changes related to factors like caring for a loved one, working responsibilities, financial challenges, or changes like the menopause,” Umairah says. “Big life changes can be difficult to navigate; validating
Eating disorders can affect anyone, and you deserve the right treatment just as much as anyone else
Wales: 0808 801 0433 Northern Ireland: 0808 801 0434
This all highlights the need for more diversity in the research of eating disorders, and a move away from one-size-fits-all treatments. Despite this, however, it is so important to recognise that help is available. While it may not be perfect, it is a crucial step on the road to recovery.
GETTING HELP If you suspect yourself (or a loved one) is struggling with an eating disorder, Beat advises speaking to a GP as soon as possible, and asking for a referral to an eating disorder specialist. “It’s important to know that eating disorders can affect anyone, and that you deserve the right treatment just as much as anyone else,” Umairah stresses. “If you’re worried that you might not be taken seriously, it’s important to speak to your treatment team about this, or our helpline is also available for any support or information related to eating disorders. Recovery is possible, and we want to reassure people that support is out there.” If you’re looking for tailored support, visit the Counselling Directory to find private therapists near you. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 45
A grief conundrum How to support others while you are also grieving Writing | Hannah Bradfield
M
y Nana was the life and soul of any party. Demure yet feisty, she could make you cry with laughter. A trusted and dependable listening ear for family and friends, she was also a volunteer with the charity Samaritans for almost 40 years. For as long as I can remember, she would quietly pop out of the house, including on Christmas day, calling out, “I’m just off to Sam’s, you won’t notice I’m gone”. For years, my cousin thought she was off visiting a friend called Sam! But in reality, she was a listening ear for those in crisis, helping countless people in need. From telephone boxes to computers and email, my Nana witnessed great change in the incredible service. She was nothing short of brilliant. As somebody who had never experienced a close bereavement before, the months after
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my Nana died were utterly confusing. One thing I did know, however, was that I couldn’t bear to see my family upset. But, as identified in research conducted by Cardiff University’s Marie Curie Palliative Care Research Centre and the University of Bristol, many people struggle to get the support they need while grieving, particularly since the pandemic. In fact, the 2021 study found that 39% of respondents reported difficulties getting support from friends and family, often due to “relational challenges, little face-to-face contact, and disrupted collective mourning”. Additionally, more than half experienced high or severe vulnerability in their grief. Although there are some great resources available for supporting others, most are for those not close to the bereavement. So, what about
that missing piece of the puzzle: how to support others when you’re grieving the same person? Elizabeth Jamieson, an experienced therapist who works in different areas including bereavement, explains that following bereavement, we sometimes seek a more communal, collective memory. While this can be comforting, individual memories are also important. “Hold on to your own things when you support people, and allow them to hold onto theirs. Share things they might not know. But allow yourself to laugh about things that are funny. Don’t lose that bit of it,” Elizabeth says. There are different types of memories, and Elizabeth points out it’s OK to compartmentalise. “You have the thing you do as a family where you support, you love, you help them remember. But also, there are >>>
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Grief can be about loss, it can be about disappointment, it can be a feeling of being left behind. It’s about change happiful.com | Issue 82 | 47
The grief doesn’t diminish, but life goes on and expands around it your own memories, your own experiences, and that is very much for you.”
Grief is everywhere
Soon after my Nana died, my sister moved away to university, which I found difficult. It almost felt like a further loss. The distance was hard, and I was worried my sister wouldn’t feel supported over FaceTime. Elizabeth explains that although we typically discuss grief in a bereavement context, we grieve 48 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
many things. “Grief is everywhere. Grief can be about loss, it can be about disappointment, it can be a feeling of being left behind. It’s about change.” She also says never to underestimate the value of connection, even if it’s virtual – “As much connection as possible, in small ways, in big ways.”
How to handle ‘firsts’ without them
Occasions like the first birthday and Christmas without your loved
one can be particularly difficult times to support each other, while also grieving personally. Elizabeth says you should never feel guilty for not doing traditions and things you’ve always done previously. “It doesn’t mean that you won’t do it next year. Perhaps it just means that this year, it was too hard.” Elizabeth recommends honouring the person you’ve lost in simple ways. “For their birthday, go to their favourite cafe, have their favourite cake, talk and remember and share those thoughts. Not forcing it.” We did this recently, and when we were sitting eating fish and chips at my Nana’s favourite seaside café, Stevie Wonder’s ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ played – a song we associate with her.
Grief as a process
“In the old days, we used to talk about the stages of grief. And I think perhaps that’s not quite as respected as it used to be,” says Elizabeth. She’s referring to psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, published in 1969. While the stages became applied to grief more generally, KüblerRoss had been writing in the context of a terminal illness. So, when people criticised her idea of grief as linear, she clarified in her 2005 book, with David Kessler, that these were things people may experience, in any order. Elizabeth highlights how important it is to recognise that grief isn’t linear. She says, “You
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Helpful resources • Cruse Bereavement Support: Helpline, webchat, and further support and information. (cruse.org.uk) • AtaLoss: Bereavement resources and signposting to lots of different support. (ataloss.org) • Child Bereavement UK: Support for children, young people, parents, and families when a child is grieving, or when a child dies. (childbereavementuk.org) • The Compassionate Friends: Support, information, and signposting for different bereavements. (tcf.org.uk) • Survivors of Bereavement By Suicide: Support lines, groups, and information for those bereaved by suicide. (uksobs.org)
can look at somebody, and you can think they’re moving along nicely. It’s almost like they’re following a path. And then there’s a backwards step.” That could be having to tell someone who doesn’t know yet – it could be anything – but it feels like the grief hitting you all over again. “It’s not that the person who grieves the longest loved the most,” says Elizabeth, which is an important note: grief isn’t a competition, and we all process and display emotions differently. She also reminds us that anger is normal. “There’s anger about what happened,” Elizabeth says. “There can be anger towards that person, which is very uncomfortable anger. Anger for leaving you. Anger for leaving you to have these feelings, anger for leaving you to have to deal with stuff. Anger at other people.” I’ve found the ‘Growing around grief’ model helpful. Introduced by Dr Lois Tonkin in her 1996
article “Growing Around Grief: another way of looking at grief and recovery”, published in Bereavement Care, it suggests your grief doesn’t get smaller, your life just grows larger around it. Based on diagrams drawn by a mother whose child had died years prior, of a circle which remained the same size (the grief) inside another circle which increased (life), it demonstrates how the grief doesn’t diminish, but life goes on and expands around it. I’ve also recently read about ‘Continued Bonds’. Theorised by Dennis Klass, Phyllis R Silverman, and Steven L Nickman in the 1996 book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, it rejects the dominant grief model of the time, which viewed grief as linear, and pathologised the idea of continuing a bond with the loved one. Their research underlines the importance of remaining connected, recognising that grief
evolves, is ongoing, and that these connections are normal. “Every time we talk about that person, we continue to make those neuropathways, we continue to deepen those connections,” Elizabeth says. “So, we can continue to have a relationship if we acknowledge that person, even though they’re not there bodily.”
Accessing help
Supporting others through your own grief may feel like being pulled in different directions. So, it’s vital, Elizabeth says, to have time and space to express yourself outside of the immediate family group. Accessing therapy can be extremely helpful. Grief has no time limit, and what some people may find comfort in, others may not. Acknowledging that can be helpful. And as Elizabeth reminds us, there are different kinds of memories, from collective, to group, and personal. “Enjoy those group memories. But keep your own precious, keep your own dear,” says Elizabeth. Your feelings are valid, and it’s crucial to give yourself space to keep all the memories going.
Elizabeth Jamieson is an experienced therapist working across many areas. Find her profile on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 49
Signs of chronic overthinking And what you can do to stop it! Constantly asking, ‘What if…?’
Recalling embarrassing situations and replaying them in your mind. Questioning others’ words and intentions. Always assuming that things will turn out badly. If these signs are hitting a little close to home, you might benefit from trying one of these three methods to help manage overthinking, and allow your mind to rest:
1. Schedule a ‘thinking time’ Setting aside time for space with your thoughts can help to stop your worries spilling over into the rest of your day. This could be to go through any worries, consider any problem-solving, or just mull over whatever you need to. And if things crop up outside this time, you can try to set it aside until your ‘thinking time’, so that it doesn’t commandeer your mood. 50 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Ruminating on mistakes, long after they’ve passed.
Imagining past conversations and regretting the things you wish you had (or hadn’t) said.
Struggling to switch off at night, because your thoughts are keeping you awake.
Finding yourself either living in the past or worrying about the future, so that it feels like you’re never really in the moment. 2. Change course The more you actively tell yourself not to think about something, the more impossible it becomes to contemplate anything else. Instead, redirect your attention with the art of distraction. If you’re watching TV and your mind wanders into worries, grab a book, call a friend, or ask someone to play a board game. It doesn’t really matter what you do, but shaking up what you’re interacting with can help the overthinking from sticking.
3. Physically let things go There are two ways journaling can help with this. First is to write a list of all the things
bothering you, divided into what you can control, and what you can’t. Tear the list of uncontrollable things up, or put it in the bin! Seeing what you can’t control clearly before you can help to loosen the grip these worries have on you, and leaves you with a list you can actively work on. Second, if you’re not even sure how to craft that list, simply write down everything that’s concerning you. When it’s in writing, sometimes it’s easier to see the bigger picture, and decipher what is worth your worrying, and what isn’t. Again, you could destroy the page when you’re done as a means of metaphorically letting go.
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Sincere apologies Are you an automatic apologiser? Writing | Katie Scott
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y youngest child can experience an impressively dramatic range of emotions in just seconds. I can see from a distance when the sun is going to be blotted out, and a storm is going to hit. One time, another child grabbed her Velcro tags from her waist in a rugby training session. From the sideline, I saw her throw her head back and open her mouth before the sound of a scream – born from frustration, anger, and incomprehension combined – hit my ears. I ran onto the pitch and grabbed my now rigid four-year-old, before
heading over to mumble some words of apology to the head coach. My tea was splashed over my (thankfully) waterproof coat, and my smallest was tucked under my arm (and still screaming). That evening, I sat wondering why I had felt the need to apologise. She was simply being a child – one who hadn’t understood the rules of the game, and had therefore felt very aggrieved when her lovely yellow tags were snatched away. The coach said that there was no need to apologise as I stuttered before him, and he was right. The apology was born
not from necessity, but from my embarrassment. My need to apologise at that moment may have said more about my state of mind than my daughter’s. Dr Marianne Trent is a clinical psychologist and author of The Grief Collective. She explains: “We may peacefully accept noise or more wilful behaviour from our own children when we are alone with them. However, that same behaviour can feel like a different kettle of fish entirely when other people are privy to it. Often this might be because we experience shame and embarrassment, or we fear the judgement of others.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 51
Dr Trent also points out that I was probably not in the best frame of mind, as I was also dealing with a cold – and understandably grumpy – son, and a hyperactive spaniel. Circumstance definitely impacts mood and, she argues, tolerance. “When we are out and about, we might also be juggling different activities, such as managing road safety, processing the noise of other people, and planning our next action. This means that our window of tolerance and capacity might also be reduced.” In this heightened state, we are more likely to opt for 52 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
appeasement as a quick solution, even when it’s not demanded or necessary. She adds, however, that an apology issued in this state is far less likely to be genuine, and you actually may not even remember making it once you’ve calmed down. My apology was definitely not heartfelt, but a knee jerk reaction to feeling embarrassed. It was also absolutely the wrong message to send my child, says chartered psychologist, Catherine Hallissey. My attention should have been on my child, comforting her and not making her feel, by my apology, that she
had done something wrong. I am grateful now that my daughter was crying too much to actually hear what I said. However, Catherine says that there are times when it is necessary for us to step forward and apologise for our child. “I see no issue with apologising as a way to repair a social relationship, for example, if a child hits another child and they’re not yet calm enough to apologise, a parent can apologise on their behalf.” There’s no denying that embarrassment may play a part here too, but the overriding urge will be the desire to quickly defuse a situation, which could spiral into recriminations. In this case, though, it must be followed with a conversation with your child about why an apology was expected, and why you, as the parent, decided to hold out the olive branch on their behalf. This is an opportunity to model for your child how and when to apologise. Albert Bandura’s experiments in the 1970s provided evidence of how much children rely on observational learning. There is potentially
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more power in showing them than telling them to say sorry, especially in a situation when they don’t understand why. As caregivers, we can teach children what an apology actually is, what sincerity looks and feels like, and what empathy is. As psychologist Valeria Sabater wrote: “From us, they’ll learn the good and the bad, and every adult will be a mirror in which, for a predetermined time in their development, they see themselves.” This is true not just for situations in which we have stepped in for them but also how they see us interacting with others. How many times have you muttered, or indeed shouted, something at another driver from behind the wheel of your car only to hear it mimicked from the back seat? We can model sincerity by mindfully choosing the words we use for an apology. Instead of “Sorry”, we can use more effective wording that shows us taking responsibility – giving an explanation if necessary, expressing care and, most importantly, offering a reparation or resolution.
As Dr Trent explains: “It can be helpful to try not apologising when we might ordinarily, for example, when browsing at a supermarket if you become aware that someone wants to get to the same shelf as you, rather than saying ‘sorry’, it can be wonderfully empowering to say, ‘Thanks for waiting,’ or ‘I’ll just be a moment.’ This is particularly pertinent for women. In Karina Schumann and Michael Ross’s much quoted American study from 2010, published in Psychological Science, women were found to have a lower threshold for what they perceived as offensive behaviour than men. This then resulted in them apologising more. Dr Trent says vocabulary is so key in empowering as opposed to invalidating us. As she says, the right words “can appropriately role model to our kids that we are allowed to take up room, and need not make apologies for existing”. We can also teach them the power of a pause. In the situation when your child has done something that they need to apologise for, if you can, take
A more genuine apology is more likely to come about once the dust has settled, the angry parts of our brain have settled down, and the compassionate parts have come back on line them away, let them calm down, ask them what happened, explain why an apology is necessary, and then they might be able to apologise themselves. As Dr Trent says: “A more genuine apology is more likely to come about once the dust has settled, the angry parts of our brain have settled down, and the compassionate parts have come back on line.” There are moments when this will feel like a huge responsibility, not least because sincere apologies are often really hard to give. However, this is also about the power of words – the complex notion of how we can hurt or heal other people just by speaking – and this is an essential lesson to pass on. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 53
Happiful recommends From a hobby-sharing app to a luxurious wellness accessory, try something new with our top 10 wellbeing recommendations Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
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Share your story with Marie Curie Whether you’re living with a terminal illness, caring for someone else, or you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, charity Marie Curie always offer a space for people to share their stories. Telling your story helps to shed light on this important topic, making sure that nobody feels alone. (Find out more at mariecurie.org.uk)
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PAGE-TURNERS A Doodle A Day Keeps The Stress Away by Tamara Michael Helping us keep stress at bay is Tamara Michael – a fantastic author and content creator who has a unique way of helping us alleviate stress. Her secret? The unwinding power of doodling! Step into her creative world and put pen to paper with her everyday drawing prompts. (Out now, Pop Press)
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ACT OF KINDNESS
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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Sliced Bread’ There are lots of products out there that promise to make our lives better, but do they really do what they say on the tin or is it all in the marketing? Host Greg Foot speaks to the experts to debunk myths, and find out the pros and cons of a variety of products and fads, so that we can make an informed decision for ourselves. (Available on all podcast platforms)
OUT AND ABOUT
Explore a National Trust garden Secret gardens, ancient trails, and beautiful landscapes – the National Trust has it all. With hundreds of parks and gardens to explore, each has its own unique history and hidden wonders waiting to be uncovered. Set aside a weekend of outdoor exploration and create memories that will last a lifetime at a National Trust garden local to you. (Visit nationaltrust.org.uk to find out more) 54 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
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PLUGGED-IN
Cold Plunge Cam For content creator Cam, cold-water dipping is a powerful tool to improve his mental health, and he’s showing us how to transform our lives with this practice as well. On his account, you’ll find wholesome videos of his ice-bathing journey, beginner tips, breathing strategies, and more. Will you follow suit? (Check out @coldplungecam on TikTok)
culture
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LESSON LEARNED
Learn how to support a person with sight loss Guide Dogs is a charity that offers support to those who are blind or partially sighted. It believes in the importance of inclusivity, creating a ripple effect of support by offering free online training for those who want to know how to act when someone with sight loss is in need of assistance. (Visit guidedogs.org. uk to sign up)
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SQUARE EYES
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TECH TIP-OFFS
Buddee Having a hobby that we truly love is great, but it’s even better when we have someone to share it with – and thanks to Buddee, we can! This social app allows you to connect with like-minded individuals who are just as enthusiastic about your hobbies as you are, and forge new, long-lasting friendships. (Available on all platforms)
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GET GOING
Late-night workout Research suggests that working out late at night can provide a whole host of benefits, but why is this the case? Well, studies show that your endurance is greater in the evening, and exercise can help you sleep better, as well as help you to release tension gained throughout the day. Of course, everyone’s body clock is different, but it could be worth putting evening workouts to the test.
Gordon, Gino and Fred’s Road Trip If you’re seeking out something light-hearted to watch on your Saturday night, join best friends Gordon Ramsay, Gino D’Acampo, and Fred Sirieix as they travel around Europe on a culinary adventure of a lifetime, seeking out the tastiest local cuisine. What could go wrong? Along the way, expect lots of laughter and fun-filled adventure. (Available to watch on Netflix)
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TREAT YOURSELF
Lavender Relaxation Eye Pillow Calm and Collective’s Lavender Relaxation Eye Pillow is more than just a luxurious wellness accessory; it’s a gateway to relaxation. Nurture your eyes, relieve facial tension, and embrace a moment for self-care with these beautifully designed eye pillows packed with nature’s best kept secret, dried lavender. (£14, calm-and-collective.co.uk)
WIN A LAVENDER RELAXATION EYE PILLOW FROM CALM AND COLLECTIVE For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com What colour are the flowers of lavender plants? a) Yellow b) Orange c) Purple *Competition closes 29 February 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 82 | 55
Ultimate gluten and dairy-free pancake recipe Perfect for Shrove Tuesday (and every weekend afterwards…) Writing | Lucy Harris
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ndulging in a delicious stack of pancakes is a timeless breakfast pleasure. For those seeking a gluten and dairy-free option without compromising
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on flavour, these coconut flour pancakes make a delicious, nutritious, and simple breakfast. Packed with wholesome ingredients, this recipe not
only caters to various dietary requirements but also delivers light, fluffy, and naturally glutenand dairy-free pancakes. A real weekend treat!
food & health
Ultimate gluten and dairy-free pancakes Serves 2
Ingredients • 2 tbsp melted coconut oil (plus extra for cooking) • 2 tbsp coconut flour • 1/4 tsp bicarbonate of soda • Pinch of salt • 1/4 tsp vanilla powder (optional) • 2 eggs • 2 tbsp maple syrup • 6–8 tbsp water
Method • Begin by melting the coconut oil in a frying pan or oven using a low heat. Once melted, set aside and allow to cool slightly. • Now, mix together the dry ingredients: in a bowl add the coconut flour, bicarbonate of soda, a pinch of salt, and the vanilla powder, if using. Combine. • In a separate bowl, whisk the eggs. Add the cooled coconut oil, maple syrup, and water. Whisk to combine. • Slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet mixture, whisking until you have a smooth batter. Allow the batter to rest and thicken for approximately 5 minutes. • If the batter is too thick, gradually add a small amount of water until the batter reaches the perfect pancake consistency to pour into the pan. You’re aiming for a thick, yet pourable mixture. • Heat a little coconut oil in a frying pan over a medium heat.
You should have enough batter for 6 small pancakes – spoon the batter into the pan to create your pancakes and swirl the pan to distribute the mixture. You may have to do this one or two at a time depending on your pan size. • Gently heat until bubbles form on the surface and the pancake loosens easily. Then, carefully flip and cook the other side until they’re golden brown. This will only take a few minutes! • Time to serve and add your toppings. Whether you prefer fresh fruit, a drizzle of nut butter, a sprinkle of cinnamon, or a dollop of dairy-free yoghurt, the options are endless.
The healthy bit
Coconut flour is a versatile and gluten-free alternative, which is richer in fibre and protein than traditional pancake flour, so should keep you feeling satiated for longer. It also provides a lowercarb option and is a good source of potassium and iron. The use of melted coconut oil not only adds a delightful flavour, but also brings a host of health benefits. Known for its mediumchain triglycerides (MCTs), coconut oil can contribute to improved metabolism, regulate hunger levels, and promote satiety. Beyond their role in providing structure and fluffiness to the
pancakes, eggs are a nutrient powerhouse. They are a great source of high-quality protein, essential vitamins and minerals, including B12 and choline. And, while optional, the inclusion of vanilla powder adds a touch of sweetness without the need for refined sugars, and is known for its antioxidant properties. Making mindful choices when it comes to toppings can contribute to a more balanced blood sugarfriendly pancake experience. This will help you start your day right by providing a steady release of energy, keeping you alert and satisfied until lunch. Prioritising a combination of fibre, healthy fats, and protein-rich toppings over sweeteners like maple syrup, honey, and sugar will help you achieve this, and keep your blood sugar levels in check. My favourite combination includes blueberries, cinnamon, runny almond butter, and a dollop of coconut cream. Berries, in particular, are naturally low in sugar, and studies have also shown they support our attention and focus. You can customise the toppings to suit your preferences and dietary needs, making each breakfast a unique and delicious experience! Lucy Harris is a registered nutritional therapist and certified health coach, helping clients to start living their best, healthy lives. Find out more on the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 57
Seven ways to keep hen party stress at bay Sometimes, hen parties can lead to a few ruffled feathers – but it doesn’t have to be that way Writing | Sian Meades-Williams
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n paper, hen parties should be exciting – they’re a real moment for celebration, something that can feel increasingly rare as family, career, and commitments fill up our calendars. The reality, however, can be very different – and a WhatsApp notification to join the group ‘Kate’s Hen Do 2024!’ can, in fact, make our hearts sink. Here are some tips to help keep the hen party stress to a minimum.
Be mindful of what you can commit to
Whether you have concerns about time away from work or home, be very clear about what you can commit to. “Of course, everyone wants to enjoy the occasion with the bride,” says Lauren Goodman, founder of wedding planning service Bluebird Creative. “But being honest from the outset, and laying out expectations of your availability early on can help avoid disagreements.”
Be very clear about money Significant financial differences between friends can be tricky ground to navigate, and hen parties really can highlight any 58 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
tension. Whether it’s a high-end dinner or a weekend away, if what’s being proposed is way out of your budget you need to address it as soon as possible, rather than waiting until the chief bridesmaid is looking into the flights and asking for deposits. It’s easy for costs to rise quickly, too. “Keep details and costs all in one place in a shared spreadsheet,” suggests Lauren. Knowing where you stand will help keep that dreaded uncertainty at bay.
Make sure you are communicating
If you tend to let your WhatsApp messages pile up and leave people on read, try your best to tackle hen party admin head-on. If you can’t be prompt, be enthusiastic, helpful, and clear. A heart or thumbs up emoji in lieu of a reply will usually suffice during a busy work week, but be mindful that radio silence can cause a lot of anxiety for both parties.
Don’t get pushed into something you don’t want
“No one should put themselves into a position that makes them feel uncomfortable or out of their
depth, while paying a large sum of money,” says Lauren. Of course, there might be some group activities you’re not keen on (I once found myself axethrowing while my arm was in a sling), but you need to be firm about your boundaries. If you really are scared of heights, sit out the abseiling and join everyone after lunch. If you’ve just had a baby and a party weekend in Paris is on the cards, you might prefer to arrange something oneon-one with the bride. It’s also prudent to make your alcohol or diet restrictions very clear from the start – help people plan well in advance. You aren’t being difficult, the bridesmaids are asking for a reason.
But be flexible, too
There’s a difference between being truly uncomfortable, and being a little bit fussy. A bottomless brunch may not be your idea of a great time, but on the other end of the WhatsApp group is an exhausted bridesmaid trying their best to appeal to the masses. You’ll have more fun if you are flexible on the things that don’t really matter to you.
relationships
If you can’t be prompt, be enthusiastic, helpful, and clear
This doesn’t mean being a pushover, but rather going with the flow instead of fighting over the smallest details. You can, for example, nudge everyone towards sustainable alternatives for table decorations, but be willing to accept that things might not go your way, and plastic penis straws could still reign supreme.
different opinions to balance. If you can avoid adding to the drama by bonding over disagreements, or not taking sides, you’ll be more relaxed, and might even find that any tension subsides a lot quicker.
Don’t get drawn into drama
Remember the bride
Unfortunately, a few heated moments and sharp words are likely while planning any event. There are a lot of voices and
The bride is often missing during hen party planning and, in many cases, they would be the glue holding a group together. It can
be helpful to remember what they’ve asked for, and what they’re most excited about. Planning can be intense so if things do get fraught, help keep things in perspective by remembering why the planning means so much to people. Focus on the day itself, and remember the bride. When it’s all said and done, they’re always the most important part of the party. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 59
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a look inside
What’s next after an ASD diagnosis? Being diagnosed with autism can be an emotional and overwhelming event, but with time, understanding, and support, you can successfully navigate your new reality Writing | Emily Wilson
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utism spectrum disorder (ASD), or autism, is a neurological condition, or developmental disability, driven by brain variations. Due to the breadth of its characteristics – including a variety of interests and stims – autism presents differently in individuals. People often remain undiagnosed for a number of years, due to lack of awareness, limited assessment accessibility, or by mastering the ability to mask and hide certain common autistic traits. Receiving a diagnosis can be an extremely overwhelming process, often involving hours of assessments and months of waiting to reach a final conclusion. For some, the result may be expected. For others, the formality can come as a surprise. Counsellor Louise Brown compares an autism diagnosis to rewatching a TV series. “You have already seen the final episode, where everything
is explained, so going back and rewatching it with this knowledge means everything makes much more sense.” Viewing previous life-memories through this newly-discovered lens doesn’t change what happened, but it can change our understanding and how we feel about it, she says. There is no correct way to react or feel upon receiving a diagnosis. Depending on your individual level of prior understanding and preparation, it can be an emotional realisation. Louise notes the negative emotions that can arise, including “feelings of grief as we look back on how different our lives might have been if we, and those around us, had known this information earlier”. Others may question the validity of selfknowledge, and whether it should be trusted. As Louise puts it: “If we missed being autistic, what else have we not seen?”
The most important thing is to allow yourself adequate time to process the news. “We need time to process and integrate this new knowledge about ourselves, to curate a life that is supportive of our needs, and nourishes our true selves.” Part of this process means understanding your “individual autistic profile”, which is often not considered during the assessment, but is invaluable to navigating a new normal, as well as identifying and understanding your needs. Louise mentions looking at “sensory processing, hyper/ hypo awareness, executive [dys] function, [and] any co-occurring conditions”. High-maskers may find this is a lengthy process, as many learn to ignore the messages from our body and brain in order to “fit in” with neurotypical expectations. Many women with a tendency to “fit in” socially, often miss common signs. >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 61
It can be worth knowing that a formal diagnosis is not always attainable, but the neurodivergent community often welcomes selfidentified autistic individuals.
What changes after a diagnosis? Louise says that as you gain comfort in establishing your personal autistic identity, you begin to acknowledge needs that were often ignored, and may appear “more autistic” to others, allowing your mask to drop. You may be inclined to wear more sensory-friendly clothing, and avoid uncomfortable sensory experiences, or ‘stim’ in public
a look inside
We need time to process and integrate this new knowledge about ourselves, to curate a life that is supportive of our needs and nourishes our true selves more often. Stimming is repetitive behaviour such as rocking or hand-flapping “Once we understand our neurodivergent profile, and how to attend to our own needs, we move towards acceptance,” explains Louise. “And then we can give ourselves permission to meet these needs.”
Sharing your diagnosis You may decide to share your diagnosis with people around you. Each individual may choose to do this at a different pace, or benefit from gaining an enhanced selfunderstanding first, so there’s no obligation to do this immediately, or before you’re ready. Louise explains how obtaining security in her “autistic identity” encouraged her “to slowly expand the number of people [she] spoke openly with about it” over time. Unfortunately, we can’t control the response of others when disclosing a diagnosis. “If we are already feeling destabilised, this can leave us in a potentially vulnerable position,” she notes. Louise advises to start with the people who feel safest to talk to, whether this means a close friend, family member, acquaintance,
or stranger. Some people share anonymously online, leaning into the #actuallyautistic hashtag on social media. Everyone has a different understanding of ASD, so those with an outdated understanding may repeat hurtful things, even when trying to be understanding. So it may be worth establishing a plan to exit the conversation if you need to. You may also wish to compile resource suggestions, as it can be overwhelming, feeling you have to educate others about ASD generalities.
Should I request support at work? Not everyone will feel they require support at work, and others will choose to not disclose their diagnosis. If you feel you require support, Louise says a formal diagnosis means you are covered by the Equality Act, leaving your employer responsible for making reasonable adjustments. Whether or not you choose to request changes, seeking support can help identify “ways of working that work for us”, says Louise.
Louise Brown is a queer, neurodivergent therapist working online. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.
How to support a loved one who received an ASD diagnosis If your colleague, friend, or family member recently received an autism diagnosis, there are many ways to support them. Especially by making yourself available to listen throughout the process. Refrain from using unhelpful phrases that discourage them from speaking about their experience, such as denying their diagnosis, telling them they “don’t look autistic”, or “don’t behave” like another autistic individual you know. If appropriate, help them celebrate their diagnosis. Most importantly, remember that they, as an individual, have not changed. Louise says a diagnosis provides a “new understanding, which might help them navigate life more easily”. Give the person time to explore what the diagnosis means for them. If they were not previously self-diagnosed, they are likely still discovering and learning for themselves. Changes you may notice are often the person readjusting within their new identity. In a safe environment, they may feel comfortable to unmask in your presence. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 63
COULD AN ‘ARTIST DATE’ REKINDLE YOUR CREATIVITY? Feeling uninspired and overwhelmed can happen to all of us – even creative professionals – but treating yourself to a fun, engaging experience could reignite your flame Writing | Caroline Butterwick
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s much as I love writing, there are times when being creative feels like a chore. I recently stumbled on the idea of ‘artist dates’, popularised by the author Julia Cameron. Put simply, artist dates are where we do something fun and enjoyable on our own to nurture ourselves, with an emphasis on these activities being playful. The idea is that this helps our creativity, but we don’t go on an artist date with a specific project or goal in mind. An artist date can be everything from going to a funfair to a nature walk, seeing a film, or going to a petting zoo. These aren’t just for those who may already see themselves as artists – everyone can benefit from something that kindles their creativity.
THE BENEFITS OF ARTIST DATES
“Regularly taking ourselves on an artist date can feel like a lovely and freeing treat to relax us, and give us a sense that we are really taking time for ourselves,” psychotherapist Nina Bradshaw says. “I recently treated myself to a class learning to spin wool 64 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
into yarn. It felt so nice to be giving myself this opportunity to do something fun, creative, and relaxing.” Taking time to nurture our creative selves, whether through artist dates or other activities, can support our wellbeing. “Creativity is the well-spring of life and aliveness,” says Nina. “When we get caught up in the pressure to do, to perform, to keep on top of things, and always feeling under pressure, this can lead to burnout, or even depression. Focusing on our creativity and trying to switch off the busy mindset can really help us to feel less stressed and more alive, and able to enjoy life.”
GOING ON AN ARTIST DATE
I was curious to see how taking myself on some artist dates could help. To start, I went for a walk through a local park, letting my mind wander as I walked without purpose. The geese honked in the pond, the breeze whipped my hair, and I felt relaxed. I found myself wondering about everyone I passed – what’s the story behind the person sitting on the bench with a book? Or the woman watching as
her children throw seed for the ducks? The child mesmerised by a squirrel? Later, I realised how this walk had sparked my creativity without me even intending it to. Things like artist dates are about nurturing our creative selves and supporting our wellbeing, without it being a task. This can be hard as we’re so used to everything having a set purpose. “We can get so caught up in the day-to-day, the ‘to-do’ list, and always feel like we need to be on the go. Artist dates can free us from this sense of busyness and allow us to reset and recharge, leaving us feeling refreshed and more able to face the usual tasks we have to do,” explains Nina. “This, for me, is a very important way of caring for myself, allowing my mind to wander and to be more mindful, and less caught up in racing thoughts and productivity.” Artist dates are typically done alone, which can seem daunting. “Some people may feel quite selfconscious about it at first, but I say once you get over the initial nerves, it can really feel liberating and uplifting to do this thing for
CREATIVE CORNER
yourself, and to enjoy spending time in your own company,” emphasises Nina. Another day, I visited a museum by myself. I was slightly selfconscious as I wandered in, but soon, I was lost in exploring the exhibitions. It was nice to go at my own pace. I then got a coffee in the museum café, and did some writing inspired by the experience. It felt nourishing to have crafted out that time just for me.
OTHER WAYS TO NURTURE YOUR CREATIVE SELF
Artist dates are a great activity, and there are lots of other ways we can bring more creativity into our lives.
I ask Nina how we can do so. “I hear many people say, ‘Oh I’m not creative at all!’ But I think we are all creative,” she says. “It might not be obvious, but try to notice and pay attention to the little things that we are already doing. It could be you made a delicious meal for your family, or you decorated your living room in a really pleasant and tasteful way. Even that you managed to juggle a dozen tasks in a smooth and efficient way! These are all little things to notice, ways in which we may be creative and don’t always appreciate that they are creative. This can lead to thinking about creativity in a different and more self-affirming way.”
My plan is to make more time to go on artist dates, realising the difference they can make. And as Nina says, it’s also about noticing the ways we are creative already. My legendary homemade chocolate tiffin that I bring to every get-together? That is creativity! I listen (and dance around the kitchen) to some Fleetwood Mac while I stir the ingredients, and realise that moments like this are just as worthy of acknowledging as creative as a day sitting at my laptop writing. So craft out some time to do something for the joy of it – you may be surprised at where it leads you. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 65
“One thing I’ve learned is that you don’t have to understand things for them to be MADELEINE L’ENGLE, A WRINKLE IN TIME
Photograph | Ketut Subiyanto
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a look inside
Can you really fall in love at first sight? It’s the ultimate romantic notion, but what’s the reality, and can love at first sight stand the test of time? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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he string section is rising, the camera slowly zooms in: someone has fallen in love at first sight. We all know how this plays out on the big screen, but can love at first sight truly happen in real life, and what’s going on inside our minds as we begin to fall? When we fall in love, a lot of activity happens in our prefrontal cortex, the region of our brains responsible for executive functions like problem-solving, critical thinking, and decisionmaking. But while this part of the brain takes care of some important processes, it also makes snap decisions with minimal information. In fact, it’s estimated that 50% of the cortex is devoted to processing visual information – the stuff we see right in front of us.
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
In the context of love at first sight, that means falling for the way someone looks, or their visible actions and presentation, rather than the intangible aspects of their character that show themselves with time. Next up, our bodies are filled with the feel-good hormones dopamine and oxytocin when we see someone that we’re attracted to. This emotional rush feels really good, and the chemical reactions that are happening also play a role in romantic attachment and bonding, giving us that sense of closeness. But that’s just the practical side of love at first sight, the full picture is much broader. “One way of understanding why love at first sight, or initial deep connection, happens is that we all have a wish to return to a primitive love that reminds
us of the unconditional love between the mother and baby,” says Soulmaz Bashirinia, a psychotherapist, sharing her own theory. “This is a time when the mother is not felt as separate from oneself but part of ourselves, and all our needs can be met in this intense cocoon of love. This is why we might feel we have found our ‘soulmate’, or that we are ‘one’, because we have regressed into a comfortable place where there is no difference. This can be a powerful feeling that gives us energy and makes us believe anything is possible. It may give us a great sense of fulfilment and happiness; it makes us feel as if we are among the clouds. This energy can be used in other areas of our life and can make us more confident.” It’s also worth considering what impact stories of love at first >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 67
All relationships are built on varying levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment
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a look inside
sight can have on us. When we see examples of bold, immediate, true love that inevitably leads to happily ever after, it can prompt us to lean into feelings that we may otherwise be more cautious around. “It is often thought that this is a period of illusion and fantasy when we do not really see the other for who they are, but how we would like them to be. We might think of them as the perfect partner just because we deeply want that ideal partner with no faults,” Soulmaz continues. “Sometimes idealisation can make us blind to unsafe and destructive aspects of the other. Safe and healthy relationships allow both to express themselves, and there is space for flexibility and movement. Both partners respect each other’s independence, and there is a shared feeling of giving and taking. So, while you enjoy the ride of being in love at first sight, you want to also give yourself time to reflect on your own hopes and ideals, and learn what your rosy glasses make you not see.” So, can love at first sight ever last? When trying to land on an answer to these questions, psychologist Robert Sternberg’s 1980s ‘triangular theory of love’ is often pointed to. His theory suggests that all relationships are built on varying levels of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. You can apply these ideas to your own relationships. For example, think of a friend. You may be able to tick off ‘intimacy’ as you’ve grown
to know each other very well, but not the other two. Another example is what Sternberg names ‘compassionate love’ – which ticks off ‘intimacy’ and ‘commitment’, but not passion, something which can happen in long-term relationships when the fire has dulled out a little. When it comes to ‘love at first sight’, Sternberg terms this ‘infatuation or limerence’ – a kind of love that only ticks the ‘passion’ box, seeing as ‘intimacy’ and ‘commitment’ are currently out of reach. Only with a balance of all three components will you achieve true love or, as Sterneberg termed it, ‘consummate love’. Of course, there’s nothing to stop infatuated love growing into consummate love. And, despite all this, a study by dating app dua. com, which analysed more than a million search queries from across Europe to find out which country believes in love at first sight the most, proves many of us do have faith in the concept. Topping the list was Slovenia, but the UK was right up there – coming 6th out of the 46 analysed countries. One such person who would fall into this category of love at first sight believers is Dr Hana Patel. “I met my husband, Surinder, online,” she shares. “I joined the website on a Friday and saw his profile that day. On Saturday we contacted each other and, as Surinder’s subscription was about to end the next day, he offered to give me his email and telephone number. We started chatting via email, and on the phone. I thought that – if Surinder was
Soulmaz Bashirimia is a psychotherapist and social worker working with couples and individuals. Discover more on the Counselling Directory.
as nice in person as he was via email, as he sounded really fair, genuine, and a lovely guy – he would be the man I would marry. It felt fated, actually.” Hana and Surinder had an adventurous first date on a mystery tour of London, all the while covering important topics such as religion, values, morals, career, and finance. By their third date, Surinder had met Hana’s parents – and she met his parents on their fourth. Three months later, they eloped to Barbados to get married. In November 2023, they celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary. Hana and Surinder’s story is an example of when love at first sight works out. But, when it comes to assessing the validity of love at first sight, ‘success’ doesn’t have to be the marker. As long as it is safe and healthy, there’s nothing wrong with falling head over heels for someone. Yes, deep connections take time and, if that’s what you’re looking to pursue, you should take note to curb the urge to rush in. But, whether it lasts 10 years or 10 days, as long as we’re in a secure and self-aware place, being open to love can be an utter joy. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 69
Now we’re talking How learning a new language can come with a host of emotional benefits
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he new year is a time many of us take to recalibrate and turn our thoughts towards all we want to achieve in the coming year. For some, that might be learning a new language or picking one up again. Having studied languages for most of my life, I know how easy it can be to get disheartened along the way – getting muddled up in verb conjugations and endless hours on Duolingo. I’ve found that the key to language learning success is making it fun, being motivated, and staying consistent. When these components are in place, learning languages can be a highly gratifying experience with a whole host of benefits. I started learning Spanish because I was fascinated by the sound of the Spanish songs on Shakira’s Laundry Service album, and I was determined to understand what they meant. As the years went by, I started noticing all kinds of unexpected changes. My concentration improved, as did my study skills,
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ELIZABETH DUNNE I wasn’t nearly as shy speaking Spanish as I was in English, and I felt more creative and confident as a person overall. And there are good reasons for all these effects. First and foremost, studying a new language is the mental equivalent of CrossFit – it’s a full workout for your brain. You are learning vocabulary, grammar, new pronunciation, new concepts, and that is reflected in the structural neural changes that occur. Learning a language increases white brain matter, which boosts problemsolving skills, concentration, and executive function. Multiple studies have shown that speaking a second language even helps stave off mind degenerative diseases such as dementia. Language learning also helps to improve your social skills. The primary goal of learning a language is communication, so while you are learning a second language, you are also acquiring speaking skills that help you become more socially flexible. There are usually differences in social etiquette
MA DSFH
Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. Find out more by visiting the Hynotherapy Directory.
between cultures. I remember my Spanish students being horrified that it is not polite to say you can’t go to something because you don’t want to in Britain. They perceived this as dishonest. In southern Spain it’s perfectly acceptable to say “me paso” (I’ll pass) on a plan if they don’t feel like going, without explaining why. When you’re learning another language, you are exposed to new communication styles which increases your ability to be more adaptable in different situations. For a similar reason, through learning to communicate in a new structure, language learning also increases understanding and openness to different perspectives. In English, we see time as linear, with the past being behind us and
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READY TO GIVE IT A GO? Follow these top tips for language learning: 1. Focus on learning a language that is useful to you personally (that you’re likely to use!). 2. Find music and TV shows in your target language that you really enjoy. 3. Find a one-to-one teacher on a language learning platform to help coach you and keep you accountable. 4. Book trips to the country of your target language to get regular real-life practice.
the future in front. In the Andean Aymara language, the opposite is true, the logic being that we know what has happened in the past, so we can see it stretched out before us, whereas the future is unknown, so it creeps up behind us. In English we become our emotions: ‘we are sad’. Whereas, in Irish, sadness is ‘on us’, implying a more temporary state.
Speaking a second language could even help with emotional regulation. A study published in Psychological Science found that participants who were solving problems applied a more logical approach when working on them in their second language than their first. One theory for this is that our first language is more connected to early experiences,
and therefore older and more reactive areas of our brain are more engaged than our second. The implication of this is that we may have more access to executive function, and therefore the ability to regulate and think more rationally in a second language. Language learning can be a humbling experience (such as telling your new friends that you wash your hands using soup instead of soap), but the benefits are well worth the journey. It equips you with lifelong skills, a passion for another culture, and the ability to settle in a new place, as well as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with people from a different culture –and even a completely new lens through which to view the world. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 71
How the Dutch stay clear-headed Discover the Dutch concept that could be key to blowing away brain fog Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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he wind is whistling past your ears, your cheeks are pinched, your body is braced against the next gust, and your full focus is on placing one foot in front of the other. You return home and the blood is rushing to your cheeks. Settled down with a hot drink to warm your chilly fingers, you notice that you feel different. Your mind
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is clear, you feel energised, you feel good. It’s an experience that many of us can attest to, to the point that the Dutch have a word for this: uitwaaien. Translating to ‘out blowing’, uitwaaien is the tradition of getting out in windy weather, with the goal of refreshing and rejuvenating ourselves.
“We are probably all familiar with wanting to get outside to ‘blow away the cobwebs’, and the Dutch concept of uitwaaien shares a similar idea: that of being refreshed and invigorated by a walk in a stiff breeze,” explains Jennifer Deacon, a counsellor with a special interest in the environment. “It doesn’t have to be some romantic idea
positive pointers
Uitwaaien is about getting out in windy weather, with the goal of refreshing our minds of howling into the wind on a cliff top, just getting outside for a stroll on a breezy day can have so many benefits for us. Our lifestyles are generally quite removed from nature and, by embracing the wind and immersing ourselves in it, it can be vitalising and restorative. Often, we shy away from leaving the house if the weather isn’t great (however much we know it will do us good) and reframing it as uitwaaien can be an encouragement to go embrace the breeze!” So, what’s the science behind all this? Well, for one thing, a study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that even just 10 minutes outdoors was shown to improve our mood and physiological markers like blood pressure and heart rate. Additionally, another study published in the Journal of Health Economics found that cold temperatures reduce negative mental health outcomes, while hot temperatures increase them – meaning that getting out in blustery weather could be having an effect in and of itself. Plus, walking in windy weather can be healthier for us physically. Cast your mind back to 2020 – do you
remember the advice to go for walks on windy days, when the elements made you less likely to catch contagious strains of Covid? The same is also true for other germs, pollution, and dirt – the air on windy days tends to be cleaner. But, despite all the evidence about how connecting with nature can improve our health, Jennifer notes that taking care of ourselves when the weather is worse can be harder. Our energy levels may be lower if we experience seasonal affective disorder, or the short, dark days can be off-putting. That said, where you can, an activity like uitwaaien is worth pursuing. “Walking in windy weather can be stimulating and refreshing, providing us with an opportunity for what’s known as ‘soft fascination’ – the wind and nature gently holding our attention which is believed to be healing for our brain. Windy walks can help stimulate our senses: the noise of the wind in the trees, watching the leaves swirl, and even our sense of the wind on our skin and in our hair. These moments of sensory stimulation are so important and can give rise to moments of awe, again, another psychological
Jennifer Deacon is a counsellor with a special interest in eco-anxiety. Head to the Counselling Directory for more.
concept which is hugely beneficial.” And the key thing to remember is that you don’t have to go off on huge adventures to enjoy uitwaaien, you can start on your doorstep. “Research indicates the most important factors in improving our wellbeing are about deliberately engaging with nature around you, rather than the time spent,” Jennifer explains. “It doesn’t even have to be walking, some time sat outside can be a great opportunity to connect with nature. It’s about noticing the natural world – perhaps that might be the way that the raindrops sit on the leaves, or the colours of the sky. Try to use all your senses, from listening to the birdsong to smelling the flowers. Avoid distractions (such as Googling what particular plants are), instead sit with some curiosity and wonder as to what you are noticing.” So, this year, make an effort to view the windy, ‘bad’ weather not as a reason to stay put inside, but as an invitation to take some time to immerse yourself in the elements – to clear your head, and to set yourself up for a rejuvenated state of mind. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 73
Forget the fads:
5 menopause products that actually work Feeling hot and bothered? Here’s our expert guide to the best products around to help you beat those midlife symptoms Writing | Suzanne Baum
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hen I hit 50 in March, and decided it was time to take control of the menopausal symptoms I was experiencing, I didn’t need to Google what worked. As a beauty journalist, I am privy to every product going – from skincare and beauty to fans and clothing – and have seen pretty much every new launch. Despite not having to do my research, the algorithms of social media started bombarding me with adverts – products for dry vaginas, mood-boosting supplements, magic cures to help brain fog, and so on. The market is saturated with menopause products, and I can understand just how confusing it can be for women, who simply don’t know what works best. A high price tag may seem unappealing, but if a product claims to be “one of the best” to help calm dry skin, or a
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supplement “promises” to boost collagen, or the latest CBD oil is “guaranteed” to give you a good night’s sleep, it is easy to be persuaded by the advertising.
With so many brands trying to capitalise on the menopause market, don’t sweat the small stuff. Here’s my guide to products that actually work.
Menopause Faace This is a product that targets the multiple needs of menopausal skin – from dryness and a dull complexion to acne flare ups and dark spots – and it works like a dream. The contents of the chic pink tube are described as a mask, but can be used as a face cream, primer, or overnight treatment. With its combination of ingredients, including rose water to soothe and refresh skin, carrot seed and pomegranate oil providing antioxidant properties, and zinc to fight breakouts, this is a super-powered multifunctional product. I only apply it when my skin is playing up, and because it sinks so gently into the skin, with no sticky residue, it is such a pleasure to use. One application, and my skin instantly feels hydrated. And if, like me, you suffer from middle-aged acne, apply the mask overnight and the spots dry up as you sleep. It’s what dreams are made of! From wearefaace.com, £31
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The products listed have been independently reviewed and are not influenced by any affiliations or commissions.
The Sensation Cooling Scarf If you suffer from hot flushes, this is the perfect product to help you keep your cool. As soon as you drape it around your neck, it goes to work. The nature of the fabric technology means that it keeps dry and cool at all times – the fibres wick moisture and water vapour away, and accelerate evaporation. It is this evaporation that provides the immediate cooling sensation. Once taken out of its packaging, the scarf can be shaken and placed anywhere on the skin. My hot flushes tend to come at night, so I place the scarf across my pillow, and it seems to help regulate my body temperature. I even used it when travelling around Florida last year, and it provided instant relief in hot temperatures. From judesmenopausewellness.co.uk, £24.99
PRAI MenoGlow Hot Flush Cool Fix Serum Keep cool and roll on with this product! Forget serums as you know them, for this is in fact a cooling rollerball gel, that I carry around with me everywhere. If you are hot, have sore skin, or need a quick pick-me-up, this works a treat. It contains the powerhouse ingredient hyaluronic acid, which helps plump the skin and fill-in wrinkles. The bonus factor is you can use it on top of make-up. Even if I am not having menopausal symptoms, I use it at night when the weather is hot, as it glides over the skin and feels like a cold flannel. From marksandspencer.com, £35
M&S Flexifit™ Non Wired Full Cup Bra A–E I cannot speak highly enough about this bra. I only wish I had discovered it sooner! The fact it has no wiring or padding, yet stays in place all day, is a miracle. The fabric is so cool, thanks to its soft, stretchy material that regulates the temperature. Even in the summer heatwaves, I felt super comfortable in it. There’s nothing worse than when your bra digs into you, yet with this one you can’t even feel you have one on. It gave me the lift I needed, for my breasts and my mental wellbeing. So good, I bought it in every colour! From marksandspencer.com, £22
The Chillmax Air Fan This fan is ideal if you work from home, or just need something to cool you down throughout the day. There’s nothing worse than having a hot flush while on a work Zoom, and this helps lower your body temperature. I have tried lots of fans, but the reason this makes my top five list is because it is compact, reasonably priced, and I love the refreshing mist option – you fill it with water and it actually works as an air cooler (halfway between a fan and an air conditioner). The ability to change the different coloured lights on the top is a nice touch, too, particularly at night. From very.co.uk, £29.99
You don’t need to suffer with the nasty side-effects that the menopause can sometimes hit you with. It’s about knowing how best to deal with them, and understanding that you don’t have to push symptoms aside. Looking after yourself, by finding ways to tackle those side-effects, is vitally important for your wellbeing and happiness. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 75
5 ways to make dealing with deadlines a breeze Don’t let the stress of deadlines overload you, try these tips Writing | Caroline Butterwick
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hether it’s at work, in education, or just regular life admin, deadlines are a part of life. And for many of us, they can bring a whole load of stress. For some, procrastination can mean we leave things to the last minute, but even for those who try to tackle things sooner, deadlines can still fill you with dread. Here, we look at how you can deal with deadlines in a way that works for you.
Understanding procrastination
“Sometimes, if there is a further off deadline, it’s easy to feel that you have loads of time and to decide to focus on things that are more enjoyable than your task – until suddenly you don’t have loads of time anymore, and panic floods in,” says counsellor Nina Jellinek. “Even with a task we feel we can do, and don’t dislike, it can be hard to start,” Nina says. “We might not know where to begin, or even where to start thinking about it, so we avoid it. Then it can become a snowball effect: we have put it off, now we have less time, are feeling increasingly 76 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
worried, and all this makes us avoid the task even more. As Nina explains, this can take us to a state of complete overwhelm, where we feel unable to do anything. “I talk to a lot of people who get frozen with anxiety about something they need to do. They put pressure on themselves, and then the stress is also often increased by the worry that other people might see them as lazy or unmotivated. When we are in this situation, we are not lazy. We are overwhelmed and feeling totally stuck.”
Understand your working style
One of the best ways to help you deal with deadlines is to understand your working style. “Look at what, if anything, has worked for you in the past,” advises Nina. “Even more importantly, look at what has not worked. Doing the same thing that has not worked before is not likely to help now!” Nina recommends trying to not compare yourself to others – we all have different ways of working and processing tasks, along with different life stresses and support systems.
“When you recognise how you normally do things, look for even small ways to tweak your style a little to reduce the impact of the stress,” Nina says. “For me, I realised years ago that I tend to leave some things to the last(ish) moment, so now I tell myself the ‘last’ moment is the day, week or month before the actual last day, to give me some wiggle room in case I need more time than I think I do.” You may find that working with someone else helps motivate you, even if you’re working on different things. Choosing a work environment that is comfortable and inviting can help, too.
To-do lists
Some find to-do lists beneficial. Nina suggests having three: the first is a priority list, ‘I really need this done’; second is an ‘it would be useful but not as urgent’ list; and third is an ‘it would be nice but can wait’ list. Focus on the first one and only look at the others if you have the energy. “Some people prefer to start with the worst task to get it over with, while others prefer to build up to that task by starting with something else,” Nina explains.
No one style is right, but it is good to recognise what works better for you “No one style is right, but it is good to recognise what works better for you.” While looking at these tasks, consider if you know what to do. “Do you need guidance?” says Nina. “Remind yourself that it is OK to ask, even if you have left it later than you feel you should have. If you don’t know what to do, it is going to be pretty stressful, so it’s better to bite the bullet and check out any questions. If verbally asking is hard, maybe send a text or email.”
Nina Jellinek is an adult and young person’s counsellor. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.
Breaking down a task
It’s common advice, but it really can help to break down a task into small chunks so it seems more manageable. Nina suggests planning to work for 15 minutes max. Suddenly, the goal is less threatening. “There’s always the chance that, once you have started, you might get into a groove and decide to keep going,” she says. “But if you don’t, at least you’ve achieved what you set out to, and this could reduce the guilt reaction.”
Facing the blank page
Don’t worry about making your first try perfect – you can usually
improve on it later. “When I am really stuck on a writing task, I throw lots of words at my computer without worrying about whether they make sense, or about the order of the thoughts, and then I can hopefully organise them better later,” says Nina. This is certainly helpful if you find staring at blank page intimidating, as getting something down is a great starting point, and gives you something to work with.
Soothing the deadline anxiety
“Allow yourself to aim for ‘good enough’, rather than a perfect job,” says Nina. “Good enough is much more achievable, and changing this mindset might reduce the pressure.” It’s vital to take care of yourself, so make time to relax. “You are more important than the deadline,” Nina emphasises, so do what you can to deal with tasks while remembering you matter. happiful.com | Issue 82 | 77
Take 5
What better way to escape the noise of the world than to take a quiet moment with your thoughts as you focus solely on the following puzzles
Wordsnake
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Try this variation on a classic wordsearch. Instead of being in straight lines, words are spelled out in winding paths, with each letter following the one before either horizontally or vertically – no diagonals here. Start with the bold letter and complete the whole grid!
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Theme: capital cities
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Anagrams Unscramble the letters to reveal a hidden word or phrase. Hint: famous sites around the world
TREAR FEARREG BIER CRONY NAGDAN HONESTGENE FLOWER ETEIF CIAUH PCMUCH
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How di do? V d you isit ‘Freeb ies’ se the c shop. happ tion on if to fin d the ul.com answ ers, and m ore!
wellbeing
How to overcome cherophobia
Do you self-sabotage happy moments? Or feel like an uncomfortable observer to everyone else’s joy, but never really able to soak up the fun? If ‘happiness’ feels like something always just out of reach, you might be experiencing cherophobia Writing | Tanith Carey
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sk most people what their life goals are, and somewhere high up on the list will be: ‘to be happy’. After all, even though we know it’s an impossible state to achieve permanently, we all seek as much of it as we can. But is it possible to have a fear of happiness, which stands in your way of feeling happy ever? This was a question I faced as I hit midlife. All was going well. I had a lovely husband, two healthy children, a stimulating career, and a comfortable home. But I still found it impossible to really feel happiness flowing through me. On the contrary, I felt uncomfortable, even panicky.
The happiest day of your life?
The first time I consciously noticed how uncomfortable I was feeling ‘happy’ was on my wedding day in 1999. I was standing at the altar, exchanging vows with the man I loved, in my dream dress, surrounded by family and friends who wanted the best for me. But as I looked into my husband-to-be, Anthony’s, eyes, instead of experiencing joy, I felt distant and disassociated. After that stark realisation, I began to notice this strange feeling more and more. At celebrations and parties, I felt as though I was on the outside, like I was looking in from the other side of frosted glass.
As the years went by, when I saw Anthony laughing and playing with the children, instead of being able to join them, I noticed that I physically stiffened. A sensation, like a tangled knot, would also form in my upper chest. Happy family scenes felt ‘cringy’. At times, the discomfort was so great, I’d sabotage fun moments by lobbing a grenade – like a controversial remark or pessimistic comment – to bring it to an end. When I delved deeper, I realised I could also hear the voice of an invisible ‘bad fairy’ on my shoulder whispering: “If you feel happy now, there’ll be a price to pay later.” Of course, I felt I >>> happiful.com | Issue 82 | 79
It’s not uncommon for some people to fear that if they are happy about something, it will be taken away
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wellbeing
couldn’t tell anyone as it didn’t make sense. So, it was a guilty secret I kept to myself. But, slowly, I was starting to recognise that the belief I didn’t deserve happiness had become deeply embedded in my psyche, like a splinter I couldn’t dislodge.
Discovering cherophobia
As an author of books on psychology, as well as a trainee Gestalt psychotherapist (looking at how the body processes emotion), my job is to be curious about myself. But when I had mentioned this in talking therapy sessions, before I started my training, I got no clear answers. Often it felt like we were going around in circles, and not really getting to the core reasons why I felt this fear. But when I decided to write a book analysing why joy is so much harder to experience in the modern world, I discovered an explanation. I sought out a somatic therapist, who helps people release damaging, pent-up emotions in their body using various mindbody techniques. After describing the weird, knotted feeling in my chest, he got straight to the point, telling me: “You know rationally that you have got a family that cares about you, and you should be able to enjoy it. It’s just that your body hasn’t got the message.” When I looked further into the research, I found this discomfort with feeling happy even had a name: ‘cherophobia’. It comes from the words ‘chairo’, which is Greek for ‘rejoice’, and ‘phobia’, meaning fear.
When I first heard it, it sounded ridiculous that we should need a word for a terror of the number one thing so many of us want in life. But as professor of clinical psychology, Paul Gilbert, of Derby’s Kingsway Hospital, who has led research into cherophobia, told me: “It’s not uncommon for some people to fear that if they are happy about something, it will be taken away.” It was a lightbulb moment.
Childhood and cherophobia
This revelation got me thinking about some of the things that happened in my childhood that had led me to believe that happiness could be snatched away at any moment. For one thing, my parents’ marriage had been volatile, punctuated by rows and separations from the moment I was born. My father’s behaviour could also be unpredictable, and he could suddenly switch into black moods without warning. Indeed, research, such as that featured in a study reported in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, has found that some people with cherophobia are not so much frightened of happy feelings, as worried about feeling disappointed when it gets taken away. A study in the Indian Journal of Psychiatry also found a close relationship between childhood trauma and dissociation – or becoming psychologically distanced during intense emotion, as I had been on my wedding day. >>>
Fear of Happiness Scale Developed by Professor Paul Gilbert and colleagues. The following are a series of statements about happiness. Read each one carefully and give a rating from 0 to 4, as below, based on how much each statement applies to you. 1. I worry that if I feel good, something bad could happen. 2. Feeling good makes me uncomfortable. 3. I find it difficult to trust positive feelings. 4. Good feelings never last. 5. When I am happy, I can never be sure that something is not going to hit me out of the blue. 6. If I feel good, I let my guard down. 7. I don’t let myself get too excited about positive things or achievements. 0 Not at all like me 1 A little bit like me 2 Moderately like me 3 Quite a bit like me 4 Extremely like me Add up your score. There is no particular range, but the higher the number, the more you may fear happiness. Use your results to explore the subject with a therapist, or track your feelings about happiness over time.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 81
Furthermore, a recent study published in the journal Depression and Anxiety in October 2023 found people who were emotionally neglected in childhood find it harder to experience joy as adults. Researchers, such as in a study in Neuroscience, believe this can be attributed to reduced reward learning, where people may struggle to feel happy because they never learnt what felt good in the first place. As I learned more about body awareness, I discovered that fear of disappointment and loss can be hard-wired at this young age into your nervous system – and triggered at any time you feel strong emotion, whether that’s happy or sad. Other contributing factors to cherophobia can be growing up in a family where carefree fun was frowned on, or where a family member was depressed or ill, 82 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
making children feel guilty for having fun. As professor Paul Gilbert points out: “Some people experience happiness as being relaxed or even lazy, as if happiness is frivolous and one must always be striving; others feel uncomfortable if they are not always worrying.” And his research has found it’s vital to address a fear of happiness, because cherophobia can become a block for people moving past depression, as they are unconsciously frightened of doing the very things that will make them feel better. But the good news is once you become aware of your fear of happiness, it’s possible to rewire yourself, with practice.
Coming back from cherophobia
Once I understood what was happening, and that there was a name for it, I started taking notice of when those feelings of discomfort in happy situations started to surface again. In these moments, I ground myself by using one of my five senses to come back into the ‘here and now’ – inhaling deeply, taking in a smell, running my hand under water, or reaching to feel an unusual texture. I also interrupt the process by reminding myself that I am no longer a powerless child, and this discomfort stems from a past that is long gone.
To get my body used to feeling joy ‘safely’ and in small amounts, I’ve also found it helps to look out for ‘glimmers’ – micro-moments that make you feel good, and which calm the nervous system. For me, ‘a glimmer’ can be anything from taking time to watch a squirrel being busy in my garden, to sticking my hand out of my car window to feel the wind as I listen to my favourite song. I know that it’s never possible to feel happy all the time. But allowing these glimmers to add up enabled me to retrain my body to recognise that happiness is possible in those small moments, and nothing bad will happen. It’s been over a year since I have started practising feeling happy – and it has felt like a slow thawing. Over time, I’ve come to feel lighter, more smiley, and find it easier to laugh. Now, when my family and friends are having fun around me, I am able to let go and join in. Instead of subconsciously looking for an escape or a way to sabotage it, I allow myself to enjoy the moment, in the here and now.
Tanith Carey, is author of ‘Feeling ‘Blah’? Why Anhedonia Has Left You Joyless and How to Recapture Life’s Highs’ (published this March, Welbeck, £12.99).
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