N.03
UNUN-
-CONVENTIONAL -CONVENTIONAL
Toxic masculinity does not just involve obvious displays of aggression or discrimination. Often, infact, it shows up in subtle ways you may not even recognize.
3
The societal standard for masculinity requires attraction to a cisgender, straight woman. Anything that resembles something different, such as affection for a male friend,
is seen as a threat to masculinity. Sometimes, for example, men are excused from doing introspection or controlling their anger in relationships. In reality, effective communication,
including the ability to make a meaningful apology, is a skill that everyone needs, not just women and feminine-identified folks.
4
Like an aerosol spray so micro-
particulate, [toxic masculinity] escapes detection and the mention of it is easily argued away as ‘political correctness’... We currently find ourselves in a rapidly and irreversibly changing environment. The fury of white men — in full realization that what has been theirs by gender birthright is seemingly being taken away — can be seen in everything from the president’s narrow range of popularity to the ultra-restrictive laws on women’s reproductive health rights being passed in many states to the obstacles impeding further acceptance and embrace of the LGBTQ community.
5
6
Toxic masculinity is best described as a box. It’s narrow, rigid, and men have to contort themselves to fit inside it. To fit in the man box of toxic masculinity, a man must live by a particular set of beliefs and behaviors: The man box also requires that men buy into a rigid hierarchy in which straight men are dominant over everybody else. Furthermore, among straight men, the man box decrees that hypermasculine men are dominant over men who reject or find themselves outside the box. If you don’t fit in the man box, you pay the price. At best, you risk invisibility. At worst, you risk disrespect, bullying, or even violence. Toxic masculinity even invades life’s small pleasures and normal habits.
Now, there is a difference between traditional masculinity and toxic masculinity: There is nothing toxic about working hard, providing for one’s family, winning at sports, or being loyal to friends. Most importantly, there’s nothing toxic about wanting to be respected. All humans want to feel respected—we all want to know we are valued, recognized, and affirmed. While there’s nothing toxic about needing respect, taking desperate and extreme measures to force what looks like respect (but is actually fear) is a direct result of toxic masculinity. Men who don’t feel respected may make up for it by dominating others.
10
“As I remember, th angriest my fathe ever got at m was a time I cried i
“I decided to try, as impe understand the lie and th in an effort to find anoth
erfect as I am, to he people it hurt her way to live.”
12
You could be a “man,” which required a perpetual state of aggression and a willingness to fight at any time, seeing women as objects — who existed exclusively to submissively comply to the wishes of their “stronger” providers — an ability to endure the pain and misery of a real
13
man’s workload, but most important, to give way to little or no emotion other than anger. Yet there was the other option: You could be sensitive and have an emotional register — but this risked injury and exclusion from other males who called you a “faggot” or, even worse, a “girl.”
14
15
16
YOU CAN BE MASCULINE WITHOUT BEING TOXIC 18
Being comfortable with who you are, regardless of your gender identity and expression (or anyone else’s), is a step in the right direction.
N.03