The Ugly Ducking: Fall 2020

The Ugly Duckling Today’s News

Excerpt: Mustafa’s Diary

Spirit Week To Include ‘Normal Clothes Day’

This was obtained through semi-legal means by a student who prefers to remain anonymous.

This fun idea allows students to take a break from wearing pajamas every day and put on some jeans for once.

New ‘Take A Break From Screens’ Activity This mindfulness Zoom meeting focuses on reducing the time we spend looking at screens.

Insult Comic Destroys The Field School "I don’t know a lot about Field but you don’t have a library,” she said.

Car Theft In Burke Parking Lot The perpetrator was heard yelling, “Arby’s, here I come”

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Dear Diary, I just had the worst day of school. These kids drive me insane, especially the seniors — they're horrible. Every day it's the same nonsense. My Zoom history classes are filled with awkward silences and boring lectures. I try to keep it interesting for them by making funny jokes using my dark sense of humor, but that never works because they are all on mute when they laugh.

The only thing that gets me through the day is seeing my favorite student, Anatiyah Worthy-Stewart. She is the best student and advisee anyone could ever ask for. She constantly makes me laugh and is the only reason I still teach at Burke. Did I ever mention I named my daughter, Noranatiyah Jr., after her? Anatiyah is also the only person NJ knows. I can tell she always yells Anatiyah's name.

I've known Anatiyah for quite some time now. When we first met in 2016, I immediately took a liking to her. She loved my jokes about her crazy sequin purse. I told her I wanted it. That turned out to be a mistake, because she knew who stole it when the purse went missing later that day. I continuously made fun of her until her ninth grade year, when I taught her.

She grew to become my favorite student, even more than Sujin and Tobias. I still make fun of her every day and it is the highlight of my day. She is the best young woman I know, and will always be my favorite student, and if anyone says otherwise they're wrong and deserve an F in my class.

I may tease her relentlessly (I enjoy it even more now that it's cyberteasing) and continue to insist that other students are my favorite. But she knows I'm lying, just like when I said I didn't know how her sequin purse got into my desk or why it had a label that said “PROPERTY OF MUSTAFA NUSRATY” on it.

I'm going to miss her when she goes off to college, and my life will be incomplete. But at least I have my daughter around as a reminder of the beautiful soul that is Anatiyah Amina “Mustafa's Favorite Student” Worthy-Stewart.

Advice Column I am bored and I am on my phone ALL the time. What activities can I do that doesn't require going outside?

Scream into the void. If you don't have access to the void at home, a pillow is a decent substitute.

So is Costco, but only at night time.

My grade average is lower than my lowest grade. It does not make any sense. The grade average is supposed to be the average not a random number.

Idk man maybe that's why you're failing math :/ Didn't the pen fail the test? Not me?

My dad turned into a giant praying mantis. Any advice?

Watch out for other praying mantises, unless you want your dad to be eaten live. Also watch out for birds; they will eat your dad like a giant gusher.

Kanye West just contacted me. What should I do?

Befriend him, steal his overpriced merchandise, then sell it for a fortune.

Search History We hacked into an anonymous student’s iPad with the help of Wan and Jason. Here are the highlights of their search history during class hours.

• • • • • • • • • •

how to tell if a mango is ripe what is maple syrup made of why do teachers complain so much when will someone love me does maple syrup taste good on unripe mango how to tell if a teacher doesn’t like you is it bad to do karaoke in class how to mute myself on zoom why is my teacher yelling at me how to tell if a pineapple is ripe

Can't really use that excuse anymore because everything is online, sorry to burst your bubble.

What should I do if I miss a Zoom class?

Sacrifice a salmon or any stuffed animal. Maybe then you will be forgiven you for the heinous crimes you have committed.

Product Review: Tranquilizer Darts Five stars! I purchased this product because I was being tormented by a villainous hooligan. Late one night my tormenter approached me. “Daddy, will you read me a bedtime story?” “No!” I said. “I refuse to bow down to your tyranny.” “But you know I can't sleep without a bedtime story!” She pulled out a book. “Will you please read me this-” “WRONG MOVE,” I pulled out the self-defense tranquilizer gun and got her in the shoulder blade.

She dropped to the ground, and I beat my chest in triumph. Nowadays, my daughter sleeps more soundly, and so do I.

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Horoscopes Libra: If there's one thing that can be said for this month, is that at least you aren't (probably) going to be grievously harmed. Otherwise? I'd bet against you because the odds sure aren't in your favor. Mercury is in retrograde and you know what that means: avoid making any decisions, surgery, anything involving an aquarium, and renewing subscriptions.

Scorpio: The moon is going to slide into place next month, locking you in for two straight months of awesome. Until then, you're in a land of limbo, which is a signal for you to pick an issue that you have and work on it (or at least try to).

Probably that fear of spiders.

Sagittarius: Every action has an equal opposite reaction, which in itself isn't a bad thing, but when Venus is trying to personally destroy your life, it's worrying. For once, try to actually do “bad,” instead of aiming for the middle ground.

That way you'll get something good coming your way instead of giant armed crabs.

Capricorn: Mars has put a curse on you. This is a bad thing. Lucky for you, Mars is kind of bad at curses, which means that you're just going to get a text from that annoying ex you hate. Remember: DO NOT talk to them, especially if they're asking for money. Also, goats are going to take a strong dislike to you.

Aquarius: Feel calm washing over you. Picture a calming location. Okay? Okay. This month is going to be a nightmare. Do not go to the zoo, do not do yoga, do not invest money into weird scam situations. Honestly, it's best if you just hide under the covers for the entire month. Everything is out to get you, but especially Sagittarius.

Pisces: Buy Fish Floppers. [Support for Ugly Duckling comes from Fish Floppers. “Fish Floppers: fun fun fun!!!”]

Aries: Normally I'd throw some vaguely mystical advice about changing yourself and reflecting on bad habits, but seriously, please stop rewatching

the first two series of Game of Thrones. You know the ending is bad; you know that it's honestly one of the worst adaptations of a book series ever (and that's saying something since American Gods exists). At this point it's cruel to keep watching it. Let it go. You'll feel better.

Taurus: If there's a will, there's a way. Saturn is cheering you on this month, giving you an energy boost to accomplish any task you can set your mind to. College applications, that one AP assignment you've been putting off, that one science assignment you need to redo but just don't want to, writing that novel -- anything you want to do, just put your nose to the grindstone this month and you'll be able to do it.

Gemini: Please stop getting overly invested in what people are saying about you. It's not worth it. Instead, refocus that energy towards an open world game where you can blow stuff up. That's way healthier than falling down an Instagram rabbit-hole, and will prepare you for Neptune in your house in roughly … two months from now?

Cancer: Focus on what you want. You need to relax. There isn't anything really weird in your horoscope, other than a ton of tea.Take a break to refocus. We all need that sometimes, especially when the past month was … well, you know what happened.

Leo: Tigers are illegal for a reason. And so is radium.

Virgo: The weird thing is that there is nothing to explain why you're going to pieces, other than, you know, the usual suspects (despair at the world ending, impending fascism, quarantine, etc). It's more of a lack of something that's going to end up cursing you, so my advice is to try and fill that empty hole in your brain where motivation normally resides with a new genre of music. That way, you ha ve something to jam to while wrangling with that demon. I suggest polka.

Teachers’ Retreat Disaster The Edmund Burke School is suing Castaway Tours (CT) for negligent infliction of emotional distress after they purposefully stranded Burke faculty on a desert island during a teambuilding retreat.

On October 2nd, twelve Burke faculty boarded an aircraft heading for Costa Rica, where they thought they were going to participate in bonding exercises. Instead, the real team-building exercise (which the teachers did not know about) was a planned flight emergency that would leave them trapped on an uninhabited island.

The teachers were stranded for nearly two weeks until they were picked up by a CT rescue helicopter. All are still alive, although being okay is a different story.

Half of those who boarded the original flight are still able to teach, while the other six have practically gone insane. Kind of like Lost, except less mystery and more talking to inanimate objects they drew faces on. Thankfully there were plenty of pens, since they were all teachers.

They were found to have split into two teams. One kept calm and tried to find a way off the island. The other completely discarded all of their possessions and only used island resources after one of them “saw the island god.” According to our sources, two of the teachers had been “singing to the whales” when they were rescued, trying to imitate their sounds. It was clear that the whales were not listening.

The six teachers who left the island with their sanity still intact have filed lawsuits against Castaway Tours, saying that although they did learn to work as a team, CT's measures were far too extreme. (They realize that in hindsight, the name of the company should have been a clue.)

The court date is set for November 12, just days after the 2020 presidential election. However, these staff are concerned that they, too, will go insane if Trump were to be elected into office once again, and say they would rather be on an island where no one could find them.

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