Year 7: Disappointment

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I n 1 0 t i o n a l

Y e a r 7 D i s a p p o i n t m e n t

I am not sure why my mother named me Donte but it means enduring. Endure means to suffer patiently or long-lasting. I think those meanings are befitting for the reason why I have been able to handle so much disappointment in my life. On the other hand, my wife has not had to deal with as much adversity and disappointment except in the past few years.

Her grandmother passed in 2017 which was very devastating because they had a very close relationship. No matter how tired my wife was, she would always go and clean her granny's house and do her hair. She loved Mrs. Flo! It broke my heart to see the tears run down her face when I had to break the news of her passing.

Unfortunately, dealing with disappointment can have different effects on us. It may harden you, grow you or break you. In year 7 of our marriage, we may have gone through all three phases due to disappointment.

After finding out about my fertility issues, we decided to try IVF procedures to conceive. The first procedure failed but our second gave us a lot of hope and excitement. We were informed my wife was pregnant with twins. We were overjoyed by this news and waited to close to Christmas to break the news to our family. My wife was really excited and I was really happy but also really nervous. Learning and experiencing the IVF process really changes your approach to being a parent.

We had a small Christmas gathering and broke the news to her mom and dad. To see the joy on their faces was amazing.

I n 1 0 t i o n a l

Her mom was in disbelief and her dad cried. We called my grandmother, pastor, and close friends and they were all overjoyed. We started thinking of names and making plans. I couldn't believe I was actually going to be a father.

It definitely hit different for me because I grew up without a nurturing mother and an absent father. I just wanted an opportunity to give to my children what I was never afforded. I wanted to break the generational curse and cycle in my family.

The day had finally arrived for us to hear the heartbeat of the twins and my nerves were shot. We entered the room and I remember it being cold and dark but the nurses were so nice and pleasant. They prepared my wife for the ultrasound and she was smiling from ear to ear. Then they started! It was so quiet that I could hear a pin drop. The nurse moved the saline one way and another. Then eventually I asked her what was wrong? I could see the hurt in my wife's eyes. Then the nurse stated that she could not find a heartbeat for either of the babies. At that moment disappointment arrived once again in our lives!

The tears just rolled down the face of my wife and I could feel her pain in my soul. A husband's desire is to be able to protect his wife from any hurt, harm, or danger and at that moment I was useless. There was nothing I could do. At that moment I found out that love starts far before you ever meet someone. It can start in the depths of a mother's womb in a mustard seed of hope.

Once again disappointment can harden you, break you or grow you. My wife and I experienced all three and are still working through this disappointment together. We've learned that we deal with disappointment differently and that it takes time to heal.

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It definitely made our love stronger though. We realized that no matter the disappointment, we provide each other with patience, love, and support.

C l o s i n g O u t t h e Y e a r

Life comes with some disappointments. You must be i n t e n t i o n a l about facing those disappointments together. Remember that diamonds are not made in comfortable conditions. They must go through pressure, and heat and get cut. Here are some things you should do so that your relationship can handle life's disappointments.

L e t i t o u t : It's okay to be angry and it's even better to express it. Be your spouse's safe place and allow them to be totally transparent about how they feel. G e t P e r s p e c t i v e : Be willing to talk to others who have been through your situation and who have not. It will help you see intellectually and not just emotionally E x a m i n e y o u r h e a r t : Sometimes we are disappointed because of selfish reasoning. Make sure your motives are pure and that you are not blaming each other. D o n ' t l e t i t b r e a k y o u : Disappointment has its way of tearing relationships apart. Be committed to facing it together. If you need counseling, be willing to do it together.