Dailyer 9.25.12

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Lincoln’s premier source for satirical and alternative news.

Bi-weekly hamster bedding

September 25, 2012

Volume 6, Issue 3

dailyernebraskan.com

BIDEN MAXES OUT WHITE HOUSE BAR TAB, AGAIN

Biden sweats the bill as government officials celebrate another successful night

STORY BY JACOB FRICKE | PHOTO BY MITCH MCCANN

F

or more than 35 years, the tiny DC area bar Whiskey Corner has served members of White House staff as a discreet place they can go to simply be themselves. At least, this used to be the case. The bar’s owner, Paul Foster, says that before four years ago, he was never once visited by a man most of his patrons knew only as “Papa Joe.” “It didn’t take me long to figure out that they were talking about [then senator, now Vice President] Joe Biden. People would always get a little louder when they talked about Joe,” Foster said. “But he never showed up here, until that fateful day four years ago...” Foster said that, by mid-September of 2008, the candidate Biden was so confident about the upcoming election that he literally “kicked the doors down.”

“He came in, with a blonde on each arm and a redhead carrying his suitcase, and shouted ‘free rounds on Joe’ at about 7 in the evening,” Foster reported. “He then came up to me and said to start a tab, because this was ‘Joe Country’ now.” And so, since that day, Whiskey Corner has kept a tab for the Vice President. By the mid-term election of 2010, it was threatening to eclipse six digits, and Foster was losing patience. “Look, even though he’s a fantastic customer, always buying rounds for everyone, I knew I had to cap his tab,” Foster said. “Even the Vice President has to pay up sometimes.” And so, Biden was able to, in his words, “grab a few stimulus dollars” to pay back his debt to the bar. Promptly after the tab was closed, however, Biden opened a new one, declaring the bar “Biden World,” this time providing a customized sign to

LOCAL

NATIONAL

Oh, You Fancy, Huh?

Banner Day for Flag Boy

be placed above his favorite brand of Whiskey. As the November presidential election approaches, Foster reports that Biden has, once again, exceeded an acceptable tab. “We’re coming up on nearly 200 thousand now,” Foster said, “and I just can’t run a business like this. Every time someone says to Joe ‘four more years,’ he buys them four beers on the spot. I just can’t keep up anymore.” Biden, who has continually assured Foster that his debt would be included in a Senate budget proposal, has yet to make good on his promise. “I just don’t know what to do,” said a dejected Foster. “I need him to pay his tab. But Joe is the only one who can really make ‘Body Shots off Monica [Lewinsky, former White House intern and current Whiskey Corner employee] Night’ any fun. Otherwise it’s just gross.”

SPORTS Pelini Forced to Cut Red Meat, Enemies’ Hearts from Diet

Dailyer 2

Who We Are

Sept. 25, 2012

THE DAILYER STAFF

Editor-in-Chief Mitch McCann mitchmccann7@gmail.com Assistant Editor Christina Mayer clynnmayer@gmail.com Design Liz Lachnit elizabeth.lachnit@gmail.com Entertainment Editor Daniel Stier kstierp@hotmail.com Assistant Ent. Editor Gabe Potter thegappings@hotmail.com Sports Editor Alex Wunrow ajwunrow@gmail.com Managing Editor Dan Shattil dshattil@unl.edu Publications Board David Bresel dbresel@gmail.com Advertising dailyeradvertising@gmail.com Writers Greg Bright Kyle Brown Sam Ervin Jacob Fricke Tyler Keown Rob Jellison Erik Mellgren Sean Stewart Matt Sueper Emily Wilson Patrick Wright Adviser Don Walton dwalton@journalstar.com Mission The object of the Dailyer Nebraskan is to provide the students of the University of NebraskaLincoln with a humorous alternative to the Daily Nebraskan. The Dailyer Nebraskan is meant to be a satirical and at times radical news zine in a false or comical light, while simultaneously featuring “serious� entertainment reviews, interviews, etc. Got something to say? You think we suck? Tell us. You think we’re awesome? Do go on. Contact the Dailyer Nebraskan at dailyernebraskan@gmail. com. Send your thoughts, input, insults, compliments and love.

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Dailyer Nebraskan Seeds. Entertainment

THE DAILYER NEBRASKAN CODE OF CONDUCT These are the rules outlining the ethical and moral responsibilities and proper practices for staff members of UNL’s Alternative News Source. The Dailyer Nebraskan is meant to be a satirical and at times radical news zine, presenting current news in a false or comical light, while simultaneously featuring ‘’serious’’ entertainment reviews, interviews, etc. Due to the nature of social satire — indefinite in regard to standards of approbation — The Dailyer Nebraskan and the Publications Board of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln have deemed it necessary to adopt a code of conduct. The following is a list of

standards characterizing what is and what is not suitable for publication in The Dailyer Nebraskan: s .O EDITING OR CLEANING UP of language shall occur when conducting a true interview (Entertainment Section). We believe that editing one’s language skews the reader’s perception of the interviewee. s 4HE USE OF PROFANITY IN satirical news articles shall not occur unless its usage bears an intended effect on the meaning of the article. s .O LIMITS SHALL BE PLACED ON the strength of language used. All words considered profane are on an equal playing field, but none are to be used unless in the situations described

above. s .UDITY SHALL BE LIMITED TO the hind side of an individual; however, photos of individuals wearing clothing that accentuates other areas of the body are acceptable but to be used sparingly and in good taste. s 4HE $AILYER .EBRASKAN SHALL not be a biased, subjective or partisan newspaper. It will strive at all times to cover all issues and all groups equally. s !LL UNIVERSITY OFlCIALS

administrators and faculty members are liable to be cited and/or quoted incorrectly in satirical news articles written by members of The Dailyer Nebraskan; however, stories must be overtly bogus in

order to dispel any beliefs that information within the articles is in any way true. s "EING A SATIRICAL NEWS zine, The Dailyer Nebraskan may, at times, offend target groups and therefore bears the responsibility of being criticized as anti-(insert group here). One goal of The Dailyer Nebraskan is to be known as “fair in its offenses,� meaning that no one group shall bear the brunt of the joke. s 4HE $AILYER .EBRASKAN SHALL follow the AP Style Guide. s 4HE $AILYER .EBRASKAN SHALL follow all rules set forth by the University-Wide Student Publications Committee’s Guidelines for the Student Press-Revised Edition.

Local

Dailyer 3

Local Customer Just Wants to Know What’s Good Here Greg Bright Dailyer Nebraskan The employees at Red Mango are reporting that local customer Matt Johnson just walked into their store this afternoon to ask, “what exactly is good here.” According to sources the man didn’t have any idea what Red Mango even was, but thought it “would be fun and spontaneous” to just walk in and figure it out. Immediately upon entrance, the Red Mango employees said they knew he had “absolutely no idea” what was going on. “He just stood around for a second looking at us and then looking around the store,” Elizabeth Stressel, a Red Mango employee said. “It’s like HELLO, we’re right here, ask us questions if you want.” Sources reported it took Johnson nearly five minutes to ask any questions. “In the meantime, he

just walked around the store, staring at the yogurt dispensers and the condiment bar, and walking amongst the various tables” said Red Mango general manager Pat McBride “I really don’t understand why he walked around the seating area like he did,” another employee, Peter Weizel, said. “He should have, at a minimum, known how the table and chairs worked. But no, he didn’t even seem to understand that.” It wasn’t until Weizel confronted Johnson, asking him if he wanted to sample any of the flavors, that he asked what appeared to be a question he obviously had wanted to ask, “what exactly [is] good here?” “Obviously if I’m asking if you want to sample things, we’re trying to figure out what you think is good,” Weizel said to other employees later that afternoon while rolling his eyes overdramatically.

Sept. 25, 2012

Bake Sale Finalizes Merger with Rival Lemonade Stand Matt Sueper Dailyer Nebraskan Last Wednesday marked a significant moment in elementary school economic history when the bi-weekly bake sale by the Roger L. Townes elementary school dance team finalized a merger with a heated competitor. The bake sale made an agreement with a lemonade stand that popped up biweekly across the street. The history between the two snack stands goes back as far as 2010 when all of the children were in just 3rd grade. The team’s bake sale set up shop in the main sidewalk just after dismissal of the school day. Bi-weekly, the stand racked in as much as 20 dollars in their one hour of business. A month after the first brownie was sold, a lemonade stand made up of a ragtag group of 3rd graders who lived in the neighborhood decided to set up shop across the street. After sensing the need to quench thirst after a cookie or a batch of puppy chow, the stand’s ringleader, “Little” Timmy Robertson, decided to sell beverages just across the street at competitive prices. The stand soon began stealing business away from the popular bake sale after such stunts as claiming the desserts were infested with cooties or

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY KYLE BROWN | DAILYER NEBRASKAN

chemicals sure to do devastating biochemical harm. It was history from that point forward: the bake sale and the lemonade stand used various guerrilla tactics against one another to steal business. Both shops saw months of black and red in their fiscal reports, and stable business was a thing of the past. Last Wednesday, though, an agreement was made, and “Little” Timmy’s lemonade stand has merged with the 5th

grade baked good conglomerate dance team bake sale. “We here at the P.S. 143 dance team bake sale believe this is the best move for improved sales,” Suzy “Q” Quillman, the dance team captain, told the DailyER. “We’ve thought about adding fruit punch and lemonade to the menu for a while now, and this will ensure business will not go across the street.” The finalized merger with surely be a capstone in home economic history.

Student’s Hot Body Unable to Make Up for that Harelip Tyler Keown Dailyer Nebraskan

Est 1991

On paper, Jennifer Axteron is an average girl. She has a 3.67 GPA, a close group of friends and an affinity for shopping. It’s when you see her in person that your preconceptions may change. Mike Avery, a freshmen classics major and classmate of Axteron’s, explained it succinctly. “Her lip is jacked,” he said. “Like, to all hell.” Axteron has a bilateral complete cleft lip and palate, more commonly known as a harelip. This means there is a gap where most of her upper lip should be, leaving a small gorge that connects the mouth to the nostrils.

“It looks like she’s zscreaming all the time,” said Lyndsey Batero, a friend of Axteron. “We always joke that she looks like that one painting of that guy screaming. We call her ‘screaming painting guy,’ but only when she’s not around. We don’t want to hurt her feelings.” Because of her condition, it’s easy to overlook the rest of Jennifer’s body. Not that you’d be missing much. “She’s maybe a 6 without the lip thing,” said Matthew Davis, “I don’t want to be mean, but with that gaping maw on her face, it would take me more than a couple drinks.” Anthony Halin, a senior agriculture major, agreed, saying he thinks of himself as a forward-thinking person, but

there are limits. “If I squint, it kind of looks like she’s yawning all the time,” Halin said. “I don’t know, man. It almost makes me feel bad about myself, when I should be feeling bad for her. I don’t know.” Axteron doesn’t pretend that the hole on her face won’t be a deterring factor in her hunt for love. She’s worked on developing her personality and is known for her sunny disposition. “I know what I am,” she said, somehow able to enunciate well enough for communication. “I recognize that sometimes you have to try harder. We don’t all get kissed by angels, I guess.” “Not that I can kiss anything,” Jennifer added.

Dailyer 4

National

Sept. 25, 2012

Chicago Citizens Surprised Chicago Has Schools Tyler Keown Dailyer Nebraskan In the aftermath of the Chicago school strike, citizens are still scratching their heads as to why the strike occurred in the first place. “We have schools here?” asked Martin Smotilli, 46. “Since when?” Many Chicago residents share this confused sentiment. David Ortellino, 56, runs a butchery in Wrigleyville. He said when he found out about the strike, he thought someone was trying to pull a huge joke

on the entire city. “I still don’t know if the strike actually happened or what,” he said. “It’d be a pretty funny prank when you think about it.” Ortellino claims to have never seen a school in session within city limits. “I thought I drove by a school in 2006,” he said. “But that was actually a factory. Close, but no cigar.” “There are a lot of buildings that look like schools,” he added. “But they’re always empty. Al-

during the strike, and I was ways.” Angelou D’Anthon, like, this is a school?” “I was just incredulous. who works as a fifth grade That place reteacher at Albaally counts as ny Park Elemen“We have a school?” she tary, said she added. didn’t believe schools As school the news when here? Since returns, both she heard it, eiwhen?” students and ther. their par“I was tryents share MARTIN SMOTILLI ing to explain 46 D ’ A n t h o n ’s what water is skepticism. when the prin“That’s what that is?” cipal came over the PA and told the teachers to asked Grady Henders, a meet in the lounge,” she third grader at Bateman explained. “He told us the Elementary. “I thought school would be shut down we were on a TV show or

Oreo Testing New Möbius Strip Cookie for Infinite Dunking Sam Ervin Dailyer Nebraskan Nabisco, the division of Kraft Foods responsible for the creme-filled cookie the Oreo, has revealed plans for an Oreo cookie in the shape of a Möbius strip, the one-sided geometric figure. “You know those things you used to make in grade school math class? You take a strip of cardboard and turn one end and tape it together. Boom. One-sided object,” said a spokesman for Nabisco. “So we figured, why not do that with the best cookie in the world?” Problems were reported early in the process, however. “We had testers who kept turning the little guys over, trying to peel it in half. All that does is make things worse. One focus group went completely insane trying to just get to the creme filling,” said the spokesman. “We tried putting up signs that forbid licking the creme out. Didn’t work. We tried writing a Sharpie reminder on every tester’s hands, because that stuff never comes off. Didn’t work. Eventu-

Duggar Wife Births Set of Backup Children Tyler Keown Dailyer Nebraskan

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY KYLE BROWN | DAILYER NEBRASKAN

ally we had to change the wording on the cookie itself from ‘Oreo’ to ‘Please Don’t Peel This Apart, Moron, Love Oreo,’ which finally had the desired effect.” Perhaps the largest feature touted as part of the new cookies is the ability to dunk your cookie in milk forever. “As long as you’re careful enough to only let one side touch the water, you can’t run out of room. There is always more cookie,” said the spokesman. “At some point we started melting all the creme we weren’t using in the cookies to create high-fat milk. Seri-

ously, it’s gross. You think 2% is bad? Try 200%. That’s a lot.” Market experts are speculating that Nabisco won’t reap the benefits of its innovation immediately, citing “marketability” and “staying power” as the two primary problems, one study shows. “Those are code words for ‘nobody knows what the hell a Möbius strip is’ and ‘if you can keep dunking it, why would you ever buy more?’” said a market researcher. “Nabisco better get it together,” he concluded, taking a swig of creme from his Klein bottle.

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something. I would always read about school in books and think of how much fun it sounded. This is disappointing.” His mother, Helen, was surprised to find out her child had been spending all day in school. “You walk the streets of Chicago and you can’t believe that anyone here has been to a single day of any academic institution,” she said. “Looking at it, it does make sense. I guess I never really thought of where Grady goes after the bus leaves.”

Michelle Duggar is known for being ready for disaster. She has shelves upon shelves of canned goods, a fire escape plan poster on almost every wall and has her phone ready to dial 911 at a moment’s notice. So it was no surprise when the star of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” announced she had birthed a set of backup children. “Family is the most important thing,” she said. “I don’t know what I would do without my 19 angels. So Jim and I decided to give ourselves some insurance.” The idea came about after Jinger, their sixth child, fell off a swing in the backyard and received a concussion. Michelle was overcome by the anxiety of losing a child and Jim offered the idea of birthing an extra set. “She seemed so sad,” he said. “I hate when she’s sad. Her food isn’t as good. I thought we should have more kids ready in case our first kids die somehow. Her food has been better since.” The Duggars decided to give the new kids different names from their origi-

nal set, as to avoid being “creepy.” “That would be spooky,” Michelle said. “Imagine having a person that could replace you in nearly every way if you die. Now imagine a person that could do that that has the same name as you. We’re a little weird around here, but we’re not that weird.” And a second problem was discovered when it came to naming the new set. All 19 original Duggar children have names that start with the letter ‘J,’ and the couple didn’t want to break tradition. “I’ll admit we didn’t try as hard with these ones,” Jim said. “There are only so many names that start with J. We got it done, though.” Names include “Jax,” “Jahber,” “Juicy-Fruit,” and “Jdfg,” among others. The extra set has been living in a small wooden coop Jim and his oldest son Joshua built in the backyard. As part of their chores, the original set of children take turns feeding the new set. They’re careful not to get too close, however. “One of them said that they would be me real soon,” said Joy-Anna, the ninth child. “Mom said not to look them in the eyes.”

World

Dailyer 5

Sept. 25, 2012

Libyan Family Now Four Times More Likely to Get Wiped Out by Drone Attack Greg Bright Dailyer Nebraskan Following recent riots against the U.S. in Libya and other Middle Eastern countries, resulting in the death of U.S. ambassador Chris Stevens, scientists have confirmed that the Libyan family headed by Farag Ahmed is now four times more likely to be hit by a drone attack. In a statement to the press, Ahmed said he would try to live his life normally, even though

at any moment he could be blown into a million pieces for something he didn’t take part in, nor even believes in. “Well, I really don’t have much of a choice. I can either live my last moments on this earth in fear of the drone that will burn all of my family to ashes, or, you know, I can just live my life without that paralyzing terror,” Ahmed said. The CIA has stated that it has no choice but to retaliate in an eye-for-an-eye

fashion as per U.S. foreign policy. “It’s not like I personally can do anything about it,” David Petraeus, head of the CIA, said. “I mean, maybe they should should try a little harder to stop small factions of their people from being extreme. We, as Americans, have a responsibility to hold a country hostage for what their extremists factions do. That’s what both Bush and Obama have told me.”

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY PATRICK WRIGHT | DAILYER NEBRASKAN The Ahmed family sits outside their lovely high-rise condo.

Apple sues Granny Smith TM

Kyle Brown Dailyer Nebraskan

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Apple’s litigating department is at it again, suing Granny Smith for stealing the now trademarked Apple iPad case color Granny Smith Green from the new line of The New iPad Smart Case. Apple litigator Harold McElhinny told reporters, “We have come to understand that Granny Smith, after getting one cease and desist letter a little under a week ago, has failed to change its coloration.”Apple sees this as a huge threat to all of their Smart Case products. “How are people supposed to tell the difference between Granny Smith apples and our Granny Smith Green The New iPad Smart Case?” The Granny Smith problem is also a big issue for Apple “fan boys”. They’ve been seen picking fights with people who own Granny Smith apples, saying that perhaps they should have chosen a different color instead of copying the Apple Granny Smith Green. “Which green is good for me?” a group of “fan boys” were heard chanting outside of a local Orchard in Central California, speaking to the point that they can’t possibly distinguish between the apple and the Apple Granny Smith Green Smart Case. Interviewing one of the “fan boys”, this newspaper re-

alized just how deep this issue was really was for some. “It’s despicable that they (Granny Smith) think it’s okay to take something so revolutionary. They should have to come up with their own color instead of always stealing things from Apple,” one anonymous protester said. It seems that there are only few people who will side with Granny Smith on this subject. We had a chance to speak with one of the grove workers, who told us, “¿Qué?” every time we asked him a question regarding the sudden public outrage against Granny Smith apples. Strangely, this happened two more times in different fields in Northern, CA. Experts have said that Granny Smith is simply feeding employees a script, so as to not get in trouble. “It makes sense: when you’re under fire, you don’t let employees go run their mouth,” one analyst said. “But why the letter ‘K’?” Little makes sense in the land of patent and trademark lawyers anymore, and this fight between Granny Smith and Apple™ is just the most recent case. Who’s stealing whose ideas is going to be up to a judge in the coming weeks. Until then, Granny Smith doesn’t look like they are going to change the color of their apples.

Dailyer 6

Sports

Sept. 25, 2012

DerN Sports Desk Questions for Coach Pelini:

s "O WHAT IS YOUR RESTING HEART RATE RIGHT NOW s $O YOU SHOUT SWEET NOTHINGS ON THE SIDELINES s $O YOU OWE "ARNEY #OT TON A LARGE SUM OF MONEY s $OES THAT NECK VEIN EVER RECEDE

@DerNSports tweets from the game: Idaho State: “Husker fans find intricacies of “the wave� more interesting than the game� “Husker flag boy passes out after 30th TD celebration�

Arkansas State: “God notices unusual amount of prayers coming out of Nebraska� “Taylor Martinez congratulates himself on being born�

WISCONSIN

PREVIEW

NORTHWESTERN

MINNESOTA

MICHIGAN STATE

s 4HE OFFENSE SHOULD MOVE just slow enough for Will Compton to look like the linebacker the coaches keep raving about. s )F THESE BALL SNAPS GET ANY lower, Taylor can bid adieu to that healthy spine he’s grown so fond of.

s #HICAGO IS A HIP TOWN SO at least the Huskers have an excuse for not showing up to play. s "ECAUSE OFFENSIVE LINES ARE overrated.

MICHIGAN

PENN STATE

OHIO STATE

IOWA

s 4HE .ITTANY ,IONS NEED 2ON "ROWN S PRAYERS MORE than ever at this point. s 7ITH 0ENN 3TATE MOVING down to Division 2, this game will not count toward bowl eligibility.

s ,ET S STAY POSITIVE ON THIS ONE "RAXTON -ILLER COULD always get hurt again. s !FTER REVIEWING LAST YEAR S film, the blackshirts will employ a similar strategy, exclusively aiming for knees and ankles.

s -UCH LIKE #OLORADO IN THE "IG )OWA PRESENTS AN ideal matchup to end another disappointing season with a win. s 3QUEAKING OUT A WIN should ensure Pelini gets another six-figure raise next offseason.

s 4HIS MATCHUP OF MOBILE 1"S PITTS $ENARD 2OBINSON against the slower, less agile, significantly whiter Taylor Martinez. s )F YOU INCLUDE INTERCEP tions, Taylor Martinez should hit 70% completion.

s 3HOULD BE ENOUGH OF A low stress game to keep Pelini on the sidelines. s 7ILL THE OFFENSE BE ABLE to put up the necessary 3 points to ensure victory?

s 4HEY PRESENT THE IDEAL NON MOBILE 1" BUT CAN the linebackers rerain from screwing this up? s ,IKE LAST YEAR THE -35 OF fense will allow the defense to earn their blackshirts, only to lose them the following week.

Opinion

Dailyer 7

I’m just looking for a normal Thetan to move with me along The Bridge to Total Freedom

Tom Cruise Loving Thetan Hitting the dating scene again at 50 is definitely not what I imagined for myself. This time around it’s been a lot more difficult to put myself out there. Everyone keeps asking me, “Tom, you’re a famous movie star. How is it that you can’t find a girlfriend”? But this media circus surrounding my private life has kept me from meeting new people and it has left me feeling really enturbulated. I think the biggest misconception about me is that I’m some sort of religious fanatic. I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and yes, my religion is important to me--but I’m a dynamic guy. There are so many other aspects of my life that the spectators and the wogs don’t get to see. I fill my days like all the

other single dads. I spend as much time as I can with my daughter, get the occasional auditing, and really immerse myself in my work. The biggest source of energy in my life is keeping a positive attitude and a non-reactive mind and I get so much joy out of spreading my affinity around. That is why I’m involved in so many different Orgs. Nothing is more attractive to me than a woman with doingness. When I do get a some time off I like to go on the occasional cruise. I’m not a superficial guy. When I enter into a relationship with someone I look past their physical meat body and really try to connect with their inner thetan. She doesn’t need to be a Scientologist, just someone who values the same things in life that I do. Things like fidelity, commitment, and all of the elements we learn from studying the second dynamic. I have learned a lot from my past relationships and grown in a lot of ways. So don’t worry ladies--my couch jumping days are over! But I’m still a little bit of a sap for love. I know that there is a special Clear out there right now, just waiting for me to fall in ARC with.

There’s no crying in football unless you’re Offensive Coordinator

Tim Beck NU Offensive Coordinator Listen up, you maggots! That’s some bullshit play I’m seeing out there, real bullshit! The routes are sloppy, the o-line is loose... and Taylor, for god’s sake, stop crying. I’ve never seen a football team that’s quite as weepy as this one. Don’t you know this is football? We don’t cry here! The only things we leave on the field are blood, sweat, and regrets. What are you crying for, offense? You’re not the one who gave up a billion and one yards to UCLA. And you should never be sad about all the shit you make defensive backs eat. That’s a matter of pride. This goes for you too, defense. Anderson, I know you’re in pain, but walk that shit off. You’re better than that. It’s just an ACL; you’ve got two. We’ll get

you a redshirt, and maybe a blackshirt if your pansy compatriots can man up. And Meredith, for the love of christ, pull yourself together. Lavonte David ain’t coming back. The sooner you come to grips with that, the sooner we can assign you a new bunkmate.There are other sources of warmth, you know. Maybe this is my fault. I know you all saw me tear up a bit during that press conference, but.... GODDAMMIT. Those were MANLY tears. Men are allowed to cry in three situations: funerals of immediate family members, death and injury of close friends, and at unsatisfying results on NFL draft day. We’ve got our future to think about. Fine. I’ll accept blame for this one. But you know what you have to do, don’t you? If you don’t want to be a man like me, be a man like Papuchis. Yell, scream, and overtax that body against an FCS or whatever team. Real men don’t keep their composure. So have I made myself clear to you? This ain’t no pussy game, this is football. Dry those eyes or I’ll dry them for you. Oh, and Brion? You’re free to tear up, man. It’s a personal thing. The other guys wouldn’t understand.

Half of you are filthy, bloated leeches. Romney/Ryan 2012

Mitt Romney Presidential Candidate Guys. Guys. The other day I was

thinking about us, and America, and how I have absolutely no respect for pretty near half of you, and I had a revelation. An epiphany about what this campaign should be; a new slogan. And I’m going to share it with you. Look up, above the little box that has my name in it. Pretty catchy, huh? What this country needs right now is an honest leader, a straight-shooter -a guy who calls them like he sees them. And what some of you folks need is

to be called out for the lazy puddles of sludge that you are. I have nothing but utter contempt for you. And... WOAH. Back off. Hold the paper away from your face. Do not breathe your fetid poorbreath on my new campaign slogan. Don’t do it. Where was I? Oh, some of you might find this slogan negative -- even offensive. I can see why you might think that, if you happened to be part of the spoiled moocher class dragging this great country down. But

what this slogan also means is, a full 53% of you aren’t vile parasites wallowing in your own filth. It’s so easy to make something sound bad when you take it out of context. When I am president, I will fight for a better, fairer future for all of you, even the 150 million who I personally despise. And I hope I can count on all of your support in these troubled times, even though that means you’ll have to get off your bulbous, entitled asses and find yourselves jobs.

Sept. 25, 2012

HOROSCOPES Virgo Aug. 23-Sept. 22 Admittedly, it’s not that rare to have three women reject you in one evening. But when one of them is your mother, it’s time to do your own damn laundry already. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 22 You’ll appreciate the extra attention you receive this week, until you realize it’s mostly because you forgot to wear pants again. Scorpio Oct. 23-Nov. 21 Actions may speak louder than words, but they still won’t explain why you woke up naked on your neighbor’s lawn this morning. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 You’ll finally write your own symphony this week, although you never expected it to be an “anal symphony” caused by bad Taco Bell. Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan. 19 How’s your lucky bamboo doing? Still dying? Like everything else you’ve ever loved? Good. Aquarius Jan. 20-Feb. 18 The stars are gettin’ real tired of your shit. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 You’ve always appreciated the flashing lights at raves, but that will change when your seizures kick in. Aries March 21-April 19 Mars is completing its orbit, just in time to send a flurry of housesized meteors your way. Taurus April 20-May 20 Sometimes wearing a panda costume to the zoo is endearing, but on you it’s a little rape-y. Gemini May 21-June 21 Smoking in the boys’ room does not make you rebellious. It just makes you stupid. Cancer June 22-July 22 You’ll finally switch your toothbrush out for one without Disney Princesses on it, and frankly we’re all a little disappointed. Leo July 23-August 22 Your incessant need to be noticed will be rewarded when you’re stricken with the world’s first case of Super Gonorrhea.

Dailyer 8

Our Supporters

Sept. 25, 2012

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DOUG BENSON INTERVIEW BY MITCH MCCANN

S

tand-up comedian Doug Benson garnered national attention as a pot comic. Benson’s hand in “The Marijuana-logues,” “The High Road with Doug Benson,” and the popular parody documentary “Super High Me,” as well as his well-publicized affinity for the product, has given the comedian something of a stigma in the industry. But what most people don’t know about the standup is that, despite his reputation, Benson is a quick wit with rapid-fire delivery. Hosting his wildly popular movie game show podcast “Doug Loves Movies” from all over the country following his stand-up sets has given Benson incredible instincts for pursuing the jokes and making the most out of his material. Due to overwhelming demand for episodes, Benson has taken to recording them from inside small venues, hotel rooms, and even rental cars. Benson sat down with Seeds. in the midst of a long string of tour dates to detail his rigorous schedule, a surprising level of creative output, and splitting attention between live audiences and the eager listeners at home. Seeds. Entertainment: During podcast recordings, how do you handle splitting your attention between the immediate audience versus serving the podcast listeners? Your responsibilities as a performer must feel torn between the two... Doug Benson: The live audience gives me and my - mostly - comedian guests a gauge to determine if what we are saying is funny. But I’m constantly aware of the listening audience, which is why I’m frequently reminding my guests to dial it down whenever physical humor breaks out. Which doesn’t work most of the time, because comedians thrive on a live audience. But at least I try. SE: The Rental Car episodes are interesting from a fan point of view, because, as you’ve recently been trying out with ABC Deez Nuts, we get to hear you play the games instead of moderating them. Which side of the questions do you prefer to be on: creating them or competing against others? DB: I love playing movie trivia games. But I’m also a control freak. So I like running the game almost as much as playing. And I’ll drop useless knowledge throughout. Just try to stop me! SE: Awhile back The AV Club asserted that the comedy podcasting “bubble” has “burst” due to their

REVIEWS

COURTESY PHOTO

overabundance. As one of the longer-running comedy podcasts, what are your thoughts on that? DB: Most people don’t even know what podcasts

FEATURE

Deadmau5 pleases electronic diehards

Artist Profile: Kris Lager Band

PAGE 15

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are. There’s still a vast area of potential growth for the medium. Saying there are too many comedy podcasts CONTINUED ON PAGE 11

INTERVIEW

Henry Rollins hits the campaign trail

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SEEDS.STAFF

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seeds. entertainment

entertainment staff Assistant Ent. Editor (BCF 1PUUFS thegappings@hotmail.com

Entertainment Editor Daniel Stier kstierp@hotmail.com

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EVENT CALENDAR CONCERTS

MOVIE RELEASES

9/26 Tennis | Slowdown | Omaha Good Show Great Show / Freakabout | Duffy’s 9/27 Ben Folds Five | Stir Cove | Council Bluffs The Wombats | Slowdown | Omaha Doug Stanhope | Waiting Room | Omaha 10/05 Tilly and the Wall | Wooly’s | Des Moines 10/06 The Dodos | Waiting Room | Omaha 10/08 Beach House | Slowdown | Omaha

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TIM & ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE This shrim-style movie IBT 5JN BOE &SJD BT GJMNmakers whose ideas go belly-up with the producFST " GJOBODJBM DSJTJT QVUT Tim and Eric in a position to buy a rundown mall in UIF IPQFT JU XJMM BMM QBZ PGG /PX XIFSF T NZ DIJQQZ

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%PVH (MBUU TIVOOFE CZ IJT PWFS BDIJFWJOH GBNJMZ JT determined to make a name GPS IJNTFMG #FJOH B CPVODFS %PVH JT BCMF UP CFBU VQ most anyone in his way and takes his tallents to the ice. This hilarious story is Doug GJOEJOH IJNTFMG EFTQJUF UIF odds.

The housing bubble’s burst has meant hard times in a Chicago realFTUBUF GJSN 4BMFTNFO BSF givin a challenge to close deals in a contest with their jobs on the line. With tremendous pressure comes drastic action to succeed.

INTERVIEW

seeds. 11

DOUG BENSON: FROM 9 is like saying that there are too many bands, or too many tv shows. When it comes to entertainment, it’s hard to cut through the clutter, but people will find what they like, and there are plenty of people who have yet to discover that podcasting is even an option. SE: Is there a sense of competition between comedy podcasts? DB: If there is it’s pretty unspoken. I’m friends with most of the top comedy podcasters, and we all appear on each other’s shows. I’ve appeared recently on You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes, The Joe Rogan Experience, Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo, The Nerdist, and Professor Blastoff, just to name a few. SE: Do you have any big dreams for the future of any of your current ventures? A celebrity DLM episode where the gunt prize bag gets donated to charity? Revisiting a nonpodcast version of The Benson Interruption through someone besides Comedy Central?

Anything like that? er the opportunity comes along. DB: Those both sound good My brief appearances on shows to me. I’m constantly thinking like Friends and How I Met Your of ways to change up and im- Mother are two of the most fun, prove my podcasts and stand-up and thanks to syndication, enand tv shows/records/movies. during, things I’ve ever done. But I try not to dream big, beSE: Do you still consider cause my biggest dream has al- your standup show your priready been realized: I’m making mary area of focus? Meaning a living doing exthe other projactly what I want ects (podcasts, “I’m having to do, exactly the movies and fun, is there way I want to do more) are in serit. I’m having fun, vice to your live a better is there a better show? dream than dream than that? DB: I rethat?” SE: Did you ally enjoy doing DOUG BENSON make a conscious stand-up, and it’s STAND-UP COMEDIAN decision to break pretty much how from your life I make my living. in show business to become a And it’s how I meet people who stand up? If so, what convinced like what I do. (Not a big fan of you to put all your eggs into the word “fans.”) So I’ll never the stand up basket? stop doing it. But stand-up is beDB: I never put all of my coming a big part of everything eggs there. I just like performing I do. My stand-up is featured more than writing and produc- in my movies, like Super High ing. But I also enjoy the freedom Me and the upcoming Greatest and power that comes from Movie Ever Rolled, and my tv writing and producing my own shows, like The Benson Interstuff. But I also enjoy acting in ruption and The High Road. And other people’s projects whenev- the Doug Loves Movies podcast

has worked it’s way into my stand-up, because we play the Leonard Maltin Game from the podcast at the end of all of my stand-up shows. SE: Do you have a certain high and/or low point in your stand up career? Maybe a significant moment that stuck with you (either positive or negative) as a performer? DB: I’ve had too many of each to go into. I don’t really dwell on any of the highs or lows, because whenever I have a really great show, there could be a bad one right around the corner, and vice versa. But to give you a quick high/low comparison, I’ve performed for a packed house at Carnegie Hall (opening for someone else), and I’ve performed on a jumbo jet (while passengers were trying to sleep). SE: How about hecklers, any particular strategy to shutting down the drunkards or overly boisterous? DB: I just deal with each situation organically, responding to whatever it is the heckler is trying to express. Usually it’s

someone who’s just excited to participate, or drunk, or both. If someone insists on interjecting repeatedly, I just hope someone from the venue will intervene by asking them to stop or throwing them out. I’ve asked people to leave myself in some cases, and that’s always a bummer. I’m not a bouncer, I’m a professional humoredian! SE: How long after you started doing stand up do you feel you made it to a point where you were comfortable with yourself onstage and with your material? DB: I’ll never be completely comfortable, because there will always be hecklers, and I’m always working on new material that might not be sure-fire, but the answer you seek is 6 to 10 years. My biggest advice to anyone considering stand-up as a career is to start immediately, because it can take years to develop into a decent act. The best time to start is when you aren’t even 21 yet, because you have a shot at getting good at it while you’re still young.

Kris Lager Band: Artist Profile Annie Bohling seeds. The Kris Lager Band celebrated their newest album, “Swagadocious,” at the CD Release Party hosted by the Bourbon Theatre on Friday, September 14th. The band consists of John Fairchild on the drums, Brandon Miller on the bass, Jeremiah Weir on the clavinet, organ, and percussion, and Kris Lager on lead vocals and guitars. The Kris Lager Band fits into multiple genres and descriptions. “A lot of people put us in the Blues category because we have a very bluesoriented background,” bassist Brandon Miller says. “A lot of younger people call it roots music. That’s what we like to call it. One of our CDs is called ‘Roots Revival.’” The group also has a prevalent American classic rock style as well as soul, funk and jam influences. Their website mentions “touches of R&B, barrelhouse Country, spicy Latin beats, Cajun Zydeco, as well as Gospel music and some hip hop.” “We have concentrated on playing [the] original funky blues numbers that Kris writes,” explains Miller. La-

PHOTOS BY HAYLEY HEESACKER | SEEDS.

ger writes almost all of the songs and Miller describes the songs that are played live as funky, upbeat, ritzy, bluesy and dancey. “He does write a lot of other songs,” Miller says. “But it’s hard to slow it down and play a really sad, powerful blues number during a live show.” “Sometimes people will come up to us after a show and say something like, ‘Man I really love your music, it reminds me of The Allman Brothers’ or, ‘It reminds me of The Black Keys,’ and it’s always a big com-

pliment to us to hear things like that,” Miller notes. “To be compared to them is really flattering because that’s what we listen to and that’s what we’re influenced by.” The Kris Lager Band was started eleven years ago by Lager and Weir. From 2006 to 2009, they were absorbed into Indigenous, a highly acclaimed blues and rock act still in existence. When Miller joined KLB in 2009 and John Fairchild rejoined shortly after, the Kris Lager Band became a full band

again. And according to Miller, “We’ve been touring on our own exclusively as Kris Lager Band (no longer a part of Indigenous) as of 2009.” The new “Swagadocious” album brings together the different “flavors” deriving from the individual members’ tastes and backgrounds. Swagadocious is the band’s fifth release. There is yet another album recorded and currently in the final stages, which, Miller excitedly notes, is “[recorded] with Cajun blues star Tab Benoit.

He’s awesome.” That album is set to release this winter. Also, you may notice the funky threads the group wears for their shows. They call every show they play a Thrift Store Junk Party and they encourage the audience to go to local thrift stores to search for the funkiest things they can find and wear them to the shows. “When you dress funky, you feel funky,” Miller explains. “You’re bound to get down, you’re bound to have a good time.” The band’s main circuit is the general Midwest. “We usually play from Minnesota to Texas and from Colorado to Illinois and everything inbetween. And then every now and then, like once a year, we play on the coast,” says Miller. “We’re Omaha-based these days,” Miller says of the band. “We love Lincoln, but Omaha is our home.” Kris Lager Band is currently touring throughout the surrounding Midwest area. You can catch their next nearest show at the Waiting Room of Omaha on October 12th. The band is also looking forward to playing at the Zoo Bar’s Halloween Show on October 27th in Lincoln.

INTERVIEW

seeds. 12

Photo by Heidi May | Interview by Jacob Fricke

O S HENRY R LLIN H enry Rollins is one opinionated man. From his days fronting the highly influential punk band Black Flag, to his contemporary hybrid of spoken word art and pseudo- stand up comedy, Rollins has never been afraid to hold back for any reason. Artists for three decades have been able to look to him as a performer unafraid to take to task anyone who deserves it, regardless of who they are or what position they hold. Rollins brings his unique blend of performance to the Rocco Theater on September 30th, as part of the Capitalism Tour, which will take him to all fifty state capitals in the lead up to the presidential election. Seeds Entertainment: What is the purpose of the Capitalism tour? Henry Rollins: I tour for a living. The objective is to get on stage and communicate. I don’t know what the purpose is. I will be hopefully engaging with my fellow Americans. This a very interesting time in America as we ramp up to yet another presidential election. I will be in the capital city of every state. In an election cycle, I think it will be a very interesting time to be on tour in America. Whenever there’s a president being elected, I usually try to be

on tour here. It’s an interesting time to go from state to state, but I’ve never done all the fifty state capitals before in one tour. As far as the purpose? I don’t know. I’m not endowed with the powers to inform and enlighten. But I will be telling some stories from the road, and hopefully reminding some of my fellow Americans that we share more similarities than dissimilarities. America has become quite polarized in the last several years and it is not to my liking that we have all of this acrimony. I think we need to back off from that.That’s what I hope to put across. What people do with that information isn’t up to me, really. SE: Are you hoping to get across a specific message about polarization? HR: I think that by showing some examples that we have more similarities and common goals than dissimilarities and goals that are dissimilar. There really are some big issues that Americans don’t seem to grasp enough in a non-partisan way, for my liking. Like education. Health care. You’ve got to be smart, and you’ve got to be healthy. That way, everyone wins. You have less crime, people do better when they think clearly, and they take better care of them-

selves. These seem to be two very difficult things to achieve. You mention education and people start getting angry with you. As you saw with the last president’s ideas of “well, we’ll teach to the test.” That’s just to make the stockholders happy at the end of every quarter. That’s so it looks good on paper. But they’re not teaching a young person how to think. And that’s really the biggest part of school. You look at other countries where there is a great deal of emphasis on education and compare their gun homicide rate to the American gun homicide rate. Look at their incarceration rate. Look at how they treat each other’s views on healthcare. It’s just a different way of going about things. So I think in this countries there are some things that could be done that could make a difference very quickly. I think that this also has to do with America’s intolerance for equality. That is something I’ll definitely be talking about a lot on this tour. From the end of the civil war, to now, 2012, we’re living in the decaying echo of the reconstruction. Every American got freedom, but not everyone got equality. We’re still struggling with that. SE: Do you think that your message will be received differ-

ently in red and blue states? HR: I wouldn’t say it differently. It might be viewed differently. I don’t think anything I say is controversial. I think bill should marry tom in he wants, and same sex marriage is covered by the first and fourteenth amendments. But, say that in South Carolina and I think some people would have very strong disagreements with you. I think you’d find disagreement on that topic in all fifty states. But on things like that, it might not go down that well in Montana, or Arkansas. So what? Everyone in that building, including myself, has the first amendment. I’ve got it the same as Rush Limbaugh does. But I wouldn’t change what I’m saying, hell no. That’s where you’ve got to stand up for yourself. If you think that, just because I’m in Arkansas, I’m going to blunt my views because they won’t go down all that well, forget that. Joe Strummer, Thomas Jefferson might, I do the opposite of that. SE: How do you feel about the Nebraska crowds? HR: They’ve always been good to me. I’ve done a lot of shows in Lincoln and Omaha. From my days in Black Flag in the 80s, up to the present. Quite honestly, I’ve never had a problem there. People are super

friendly there. SE: Do ever reflect on your past accomplishments? How do you think they affect what you’re doing now? HR: I reflect upon it constantly because it forms where I am at present. But I don’t sit around getting wistful, ‘Oh, the old days.’ I really don’t have time for that. I might do that on long, transatlantic flights when jet lag sets in and things get a little weird. But by and large I use the past to inform the present. I use the present to inform the future, when it comes to my personal comings and goings. Sometimes when you sit still for a moment, when you’ve had a life like mine, there is quite a bit to reflect upon. I’ve been willfully vigorous for the last 31 years, going out of my way to stay crazy busy, keep my life very tense and kind of problematic in that there are far easier ways to go about getting through life than the choices I’ve made. With that comes a lot of stories, a lot of miles, and seeing a lot of things for someone my age. Because I go out of my way to see it. I’m sure there are people half my age who have seen far more. I go out of my way to have a very interesting life, and that’s what I take to the stage every night.

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THE KILLERS: “BATTLE BORN” Sean Stewart seeds. Since their 2004 debut album, “Hot Fuss,” took the world by storm, The Killers have exerted their dominance over modern alternative rock. After their third LP, “Day and Age,” in 2008, The Killers went on indefinite hiatus. “Battle Born” marks their triumphant return. The album begins with “Flesh and Bone,” a solid opener, but really gets going with “Runaways,” the album’s single and second track. It’s arguably the best song put out by the band since their explosive hit “Mr. Brightside.” The song

eral great anthems like “Here With Me” and “Miss Atomic Bomb.” Flowers’ vocals soar on these tracks where he’s given more room to stretch them. More than anything, “Battle Born” feels stadium-ready. The album has the sort of inescapable, huge, sing-along sound that fills any space. The Killers perfectly captures the feeling have always had a unique altof youth without sacrificing its rock sound with intelligent lyrics and they only reaffirm intelligence. Before “Battle Born,” al- that here. “Battle Born” is easmost all of the band’s stron- ily their best work since “Hot gest tracks have been driving Fuss.” In an American musical rockers like “When You Were world that often subscribes to Young” and “Human,” but same-ness,The Killers continue “Battle Born” introduces sev- to carve out their own spot on the map. Bravo.

MUMFORD AND SONS: “BABEL” Mitch McCann seeds. Mumford and Sons’ road since their self-titled release has been a long and well-earned one. Prolonged superstardom off of one release is a phenomenal feat, and one that puts added emphasis on the follow-up. While “Babel” may not satisfy all the criteria required by die-hard fans, it comes fairly close. The record bursts open in true Mumford fashion -- taut western strings strummed with the same urgency as the last release. Namesake track “Babel” hits its highest point as it blends into follower “Whispers in the Dark,” which itself serves as an experiment for the band. Dabbling with more modern

themes than the strippeddown strings and percussion the group has become known for, both “Whispers” and “Below My Feet” feature some sweeping, ethereal production and electric guitar more akin to U2’s back catalog than their own. Brushstrokes of modernity against their typical Olde English tones bring the band further from their roots, but it may also displace their unique energy more than some fans

had prepared for. “Babel” draws much of its strength off the back of a set of older songs; “Lover of the Light” and “Broken Crown” will sound familiar to fans as B-Sides of previous effort. Primped and teased to fit “Babel”’s Mumford 2.0 sound, these tracks that a healthy portion of their fanbase will know as back-alley demos have now been turned on their heads. Ultimately, this means that despite taking all the appropriate steps to retain the unique Mumford experience (banjo, vaguely old-timey lyrics, and more banjo) whilst also supplementing the new album with some tactically planned technological updates, the newest release has nowhere near the staying power of its predecessor.

DINOSAUR JR.: “I BET ON SKY” Kyle Brown seeds. Dinosaur Jr. is one of those bands that has been around forever. Nobody is really sure where they started or when they came together. All we know is that J Mascis can put together a song better than just about anybody out there. “I Bet on Sky” is the most recent album from this band that helped pioneer grunge. The album starts off extremely mellow with the song “Don’t Pretend You Didn’t Know.” It is filled with the J Mascis magic we’ve come to expect, including slinky guitar and relaxed, lazy vocals. It’s a sound that doesn’t get old, only better as time goes on. The time and effort that Dinosaur Jr. put into every album is more than just about any other band. Diving further into the album, they stay conservative, sticking with their classic sound, maybe even a little more mellow than they have been in the past. Songs like “Stick a Toe In” have loud and pounding choruses that bring a lot to the album -- they give just a little bit of change without ruining the mood. Then you get halfway through the album, to track 5. “Rude” completely threw me off. I thought I knew where this album was going to go, and I thought that I was going to be listening to a fairly good but probably boring album.

Dinosaur Jr. has never been ones to really break out of the genre they created, but from the track “Rude” on the band takes a few turns that I definitely didn’t expect. It starts to feel less relaxed and tighten up and gives the album a whole new feel. The guitar takes on a new meaning at the ending of the release. The guitar part on “What Was That” is a slow melody in and of itself, so it’s a sad and harsh song all at the same time because of that. It has Mascis’ low slinging voice paired with a powerful sounding guitar, creating this rich ambience that the band usually doesn’t use. Towards the end it even starts to sound like a new Jack White album came out, and “See It On Your Side” sounds like an ode to the blues influences in grunge rock. It ends powerfully, more so than I’ve seen from Dinosaur Jr. in recent memory. Dinosaur Jr. delivers over and over again, and “I Bet On Sky” isn’t about to disappoint. It’s deep and harsh and pure Dinosaur Jr.

BEN FOLDS FIVE: “THE SOUND OF THE LIFE OF THE TIME” Gabriel Potter seeds. The 1990’s moved away from rockers with perms to a more eclectic theme of rock, in which the Ben Folds Five, a rock band with no electric guitar, is put into the same sentence as Nirvana. The Ben Folds Five spent much of their career trying to prove that they were the best musicians in the business, from 1995’s opening track, “Jackson Cannery,” to Folds’

first solo album, where he played every instrument on the album himself. But as you listen to the band’s newest album, “The Sound Of The Life Of The Time,” the group has a more mature sound. This new sound still has the horseplay that the old band had (chanting “dicks on a wall” in a chorus), but this new sound is better orchestrated. Where past albums feature musical exceptionalism in improv jam-session songs, we now get orches-

You For Breaking My Heart,” on the other hand, is a beautifully simplistic a song which fans, while the group was trying to prove themselves in the 90s, weren’t ready for yet. Unfortunately this maturing, learning how to make studio albums makes some of the latest album too generic. When we hear “Away trated symphonies. Songs like When You Were Here,” we “Do It Anyway” have great get a perfect three minute musicianship, and are coordi- and thirty second track with nated incredibly well. “Thank no cussing and no grungeinfluenced bass, perfect for

the Delilah After Dark radio show. The group, coming from a blues-improv style influence, causes confusion when songs like “Sky High” and “Away When You Were Here” are on the album. But to their credit, the group is trying to get out from under the shadow they gave themselves. Admitting that he wanted to be Stevie Wonder, Folds finally recognizes that he has to be his own person, his own “vanilla thunder.”

REVIEWS

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RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION: FILM REVIEW Robert Jellison seeds. I’ll describe the movie in a nutshell, and you decide if it’s the kind of movie you’d like to see. It opens with an action scene: Mila Jovovich, “Alice”, is engaged in a heated gun battle with agents of the Umbrella Corporation. They created the T-virus, which turned the whole world into zombies. Doublefisting pistols like a badass, Jovovich shoots a helicopter out of the sky, which promptly crashes into her face. Somehow she survives, and wakes up later in the Umbrella HQ and has to escape. What follows are many,

many sequences wherein Jovovich is attacked by zombies or sometimes by Umbrella gunmen. These sequences all take more or less the same form. Mila Jovovich: “Thank god there’s no zombies here.” Suddenly, zombies! Jovovich fights off the zombies, narrowly escaping just as a new wave arrives. Mila Jovovich: “Thank god there’s no zombies here.” The whole movie is like this. Somewhere, somehow, a plot emerges, involving the former Soviet Union and an international arms race. At least, that’s what I just read on Wikipedia, because by that

DEADMAU5: “> ALBUM TITLE GOES HERE <” Patrick Wright seeds. Deadmau5 tends to stray from what other producers are doing in the electronic music scene, going so far as to bash Skrillex and David Guetta for their techniques. Even producing an album like “>Album Title Goes Here<“, his sixth studio album, is a stretch for him, as he usually prefers to release EPs. However, with Zimmerman planning to “unplug for a wee bit,” “>Album Title Goes Here<“ is a necessary boost of electronic goodness to tide fans over while he’s away, even if it won’t bring in many new fans in the process. “>Album Title Goes Here<” doesn’t really stray from Deadmau5’s previous efforts, which wouldn’t be so bad if we hadn’t already heard most of this for the past five albums. It’s not that the music isn’t well-produced, but here it just sounds like more of the same. “Superliminal” and “Take Care of the Proper Paperwork” are repetitive tracks that could’ve easily been from Deadmau5‘s previous album “4x4=12,”. It doesn’t help either that a few of the songs, including “The Veldt,” “Maths,” and “Failbait,” are just touched up re-releases, although it can be hard to pick out what exactly’s been changed.

Not every track is just a re-release though, and some of the new tracks do impress. The lead single “Professional Griefers” is a surprising change, fusing Deadmau5’s electronic style with the punkrock sound of My Chemical Romance vocalist Gerard Way, and the resulting combination is astounding, although the shout-style singing does tend to get a bit annoying by the end of the track. Deadmau5 also collaborates with Wolfgang Gartner again on “Channel 42” for one of the more upbeat and refreshing tracks on the album that will be sure to keep the electronic diehards happy. While “>Album Title Goes Here<” will definitely keep both Deadmau5 and electronic fans happy. The album is one of Deadmau5’s finest and is incredibly detailed and well-produced, but ultimately, it’s just more of the same. Hopefully while Zimmerman is unplugged he’ll find some new ways to advance his sound, because he desperately needs to do so.

point I had stopped paying attention. Other important characters include Ada Wong (Li Bingbing), who I think was good, and Jill Valentine, played by Sienna Guillory, who was

evil. Roughly 40 percent of the movie consists of watching them perform backflips and high-kicks in tight clothes and slow motion. There are a few male characters, but oddly, they don’t seem as inclined toward acrobatics, and they don’t get much screen time. None of the actors particularly distinguish themselves, but it’s hard to blame them when they’re given lines like, “I killed everyone in this facility. I enabled Wesker to hack the mainframe.” How do you read that and not make it sound stupid? It’s hard to care about the plot when it was obviously constructed around a series of action se-

quences: here’s a showdown with zombies in Tokyo. Here’s a showdown with zombies in the snow! All throughout, I couldn’t shake the thought that the whole thing would be much cooler as a video game, which, in a movie adapted from a video game, makes the whole thing seem a bit pointless. For the price of admission, you get zombies, lots of explosions, and Mila Jovovich doing slo-mo acrobatics in a bondage suit for an hour.You don’t get a sensible or satisfying story, but were you really expecting that anyway? It’s not a good movie, but hey, you know what you’re getting into.

END OF WATCH: FILM REVIEW Sean Stewart seeds.

chael Peña star as squad car partners with a friendship closer than brotherhood. The David Ayer wrote “Training lifeblood of the film is the Day,” the critically acclaimed connection between these two story of corruption in the Los electric actors. Their onscreen Angeles Police Department. chemistry together is amazing. With “End of Watch” he reThey exude companionship turns to the subject matter of and brotherhood in an honest the LAPD, this time showcasway rarely captured on film. ing the heroic efforts put forth the film are shot in faux docu- Their successes and struggles every day by the agency to mentary style.While this tech- and the way they bring each nique serves the chaotic envi- other through both are what protect the citizens of L.A. “End of Watch” does a nice ronment in which the story is make this film something spejob showcasing L.A.’s under- set well, it can become bother- cial. “End of Watch” is a great world, delving into automatic some when several characters tribute to the sacrifices our law weapons, narcotics, and even decide to carry high-quality enforcement make, and the human trafficking. More than cameras without any apparent close brotherhood that enables half of the camera views in rhyme or reason behind it. them to face gunfire every day. Jake Gyllenhaal and Mi-

G.O.O.D. MUSIC: “CRUEL SUMMER” Mitch McCann seeds. Founded by Common, John Legend and Kanye West in 2004, record label G.O.O.D. Music was a statement in hip hop. Three pillars of contemporary music set out to promote artists they found aligned with the direction hip hop needed to go. “Getting Out Our Dreams” signed some of the genre’s most promising names, and at long last, banded together to produce a compilation album dubbed “Cruel Summer.” Album opener “To The World” brings out every facet of what makes Kanye West, the producer, such a hip hop mastermind. No matter how much he slows his verbal prowess

(there were some instances of this through “Cruel Summer”) he will always maintain his innate ability to pull the best out of his performers. Unfortunately for West, “Cruel Summer” becomes lost in the woods somewhere between a “Kanye Album” and “Compilation featuring Kanye” identity crisis. Popular single “Mercy” hit the charts running with it’s “Dark Side of Kanye” style and stacked roster (although I’m

less convinced 2 Chainz possess real G.O.O.D. Music chops than most.) Glimpses of old Kanye appear throughout as “Cold” is virtually a four minute digression of his angst towards the fashion industry. Bogged down by middling verses from G.O.O.D. Music’s lesser members, “Cruel Summer” gets pulled in more directions than it has the style or mic talent to handle.West’s offseason hiring spree has heavily watered down what makes his personal albums so intriguing: a singular perspective. On the positive side, West’s own prodigy Pusha T tends to shine against a cast of his G.O.O.D. Music colleagues. Production efforts by Hit-Boy, Mike Dean, and Best Kept Secret also highlight bright spots on an otherwise spotty record.

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