Lincoln’s premier source for satirical and alternative news.
A bi-weekly DIY airplane kit
October 23, 2012
Volume 6, Issue 5
dailyernebraskan.com
Residents of raccoon city continue to enjoy low cost of living
residence
evil
The Jones family celebrates a surprisingly cheap housing purchase in zombie-infested Raccoon City
story & photo by Mitch McCann
R
accoon City, a tranquil town at an undisclosed location within the U.S., was brought to national attention earlier this month when it was nominated as one of the CIA’s Top Secret Training Facilities in I’d Tell You, But... Magazine. The city featured prominently in Capcom’s “Resident Evil” video game series, though its location remains undisclosed; I’d Tell You, But... Magazine reported that Raccoon City is “quaint, easily navigated and well-developed” in its feature.
“It’s important to keep in mind the pluses of any town during a visit. Sure you’re going to get a lot of folk who seem to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, but you take the good with the bad,” said Quinn Erwin, features editor for the magazine. “The town is a little dark for my taste, but what do you expect from a city at the foot of the legendary Arklay mountains? The town has the feel of a old European village, but thanks to multinational conglomerate The Umbrella Corporation,
the town has access to unprecedented security personnel and countless other security measures. Not to mention a curiously low cost of living, given the lovely location.” Despite constant unsolicited government warnings to vacate the area, residents of Raccoon City claim to “absolutely adore the Umbrella Corporation” and “have a certain nervous excitement about them.” Erwin’s attempts to better understand the appeal of the quiet hamlet were met with apprehension among the town’s
Seeds. 15 / titus andronicus
Seeds. 9 / shai hulud local
national Dropout Jack-O-Lantern Isn’t So Bright
population. “Lengthy interviews with the townsfolk were difficult, as many residents seem to enjoy spending much of their time indoors,” he told DailyER reporters. “It’s like they aren’t keen on having strangers around. I’m not complaining though. The folks at Umbrella were more than gracious; they escorted me everywhere and never let me out of their sight. They even paid all my expenses and for a same day flight out of Raccoon City before nightfall. Swell guys.”
Half-Moon Calls Bullshit on Werewolf Costumes
Culture Ghost of Musician Boo’d Off Stage
Dailyer 2
Who We Are
Oct. 23, 2012
The Dailyer Staff
Editor-in-Chief Mitch McCann mitchmccann7@gmail.com Assistant Editor Christina Mayer clynnmayer@gmail.com Design Mitch McCann mitchmccann7@gmail.com Liz Lachnit elizabeth.lachnit@gmail.com Entertainment Editor Daniel Stier kstierp@hotmail.com Assistant Ent. Editor Gabe Potter thegappings@hotmail.com Sports Editor Alex Wunrow ajwunrow@gmail.com Managing Editor Dan Shattil dshattil@unl.edu Publications Board David Bresel dbresel@gmail.com Advertising dailyeradvertising@gmail.com Writers Greg Bright Jacob Fricke Tyler Keown Rob Jellison Sean Stewart Matt Sueper Emily Wilson Colin Loberg Patrick Wright Adviser Don Walton dwalton@journalstar.com Mission The object of the Dailyer Nebraskan is to provide the students of the University of NebraskaLincoln with a humorous alternative to the Daily Nebraskan. The Dailyer Nebraskan is meant to be a satirical and at times radical news zine in a false or comical light, while simultaneously featuring “serious” entertainment reviews, interviews, etc. Got something to say? You think we suck? Tell us. You think we’re awesome? Do go on. Contact the Dailyer Nebraskan at dailyernebraskan@gmail. com. Send your thoughts, input, insults, compliments and love.
Readers,
As all of you, or none of you, know, there is a conversation rising around the privatization of the student health center -- your student health center. As we ponder what the change may or may not mean for the future of health care for students at a public university, we can discuss for certain the subconscious ramifications it has had for our entertainment editor. Stirring in his disheveled bed, deep in in a disturbing dream, our Seeds. editor, Daniel, faces the mystery of the supernatural and confronts a murderous foe. Daniel has always had the thought of getting inked up: awesome tats to display his love of irrelevant anchors and other nautical designs that make close to no sense on a Nebraska boy. But inside a nightmare, the last thing Daniel wanted was to be inked without giving consent. Waking into a small room
the with two friends, Daniel is given a cup of coffee. His attention is drawn to the gigantic leg tattoo that was forced upon him while in a slumber inside a slumber. He looks down at his left leg, his second favorite appendage, to find a colorful permanent advertisement for the newly privatized student health center. “Oh! Why!?” Daniel shouted aloud to the two concerned friends, still trying to ease him into the mysterious and vivid dreamscape. One of the two friends, Kelsey, begins to tell him about how, since the new health center became privatized, big businesses have free reign and no limitations on where to advertise. This tyranny has even extended even to bodies of the student body. Though Daniel is in a daze and cannot come to terms with what exactly is happening, he is still struck by how the leg tat actually looked kinda cool. The
moment -- gazing at the myriad colors and list of hours for the new health care building -- is quickly cut short because an entire room of fellow students is being held captive by a brainwashed curly-haired man, apparently the work of the demented student health center looking to profit from the aftermath of a university disaster. “We have to save them, we are the only ones left,” says the other friend, whose identity Daniel never learned. As the group ran out of an oddly constructed house, Kelsey asked if they should take Daniels car, to which he replied “I can’t drive, I’m dreaming.” Daniel never learned who was really behind the kidnapping of the thousands of students, ushered immediately into reality by a loud alarm clock. However, the odd pain throbbing in his left leg reminded Daniel of the rights that were
editors’ rag violated by the evil privatized health center in his nightmarish ordeal, which took place in his beautiful head. How does one move on from such a timely nightmare; what is the true significance? Why was everything in a series of fours? Four cups of coffee, four watches on Daniel’s right arm, four identical books on a table from the game Skyrim. Is this dream a telling of the horrors awaiting the fine students of UNL under a privatized health center? The world may never know...
Dailyer Nebraskan Seeds. Entertainment
the dailyer nebraskan CODE OF CONDUCT These are the rules outlining the ethical and moral responsibilities and proper practices for staff members of UNL’s Alternative News Source. The Dailyer Nebraskan is meant to be a satirical and at times radical news zine, presenting current news in a false or comical light, while simultaneously featuring ‘’serious’’ entertainment reviews, interviews, etc. Due to the nature of social satire — indefinite in regard to standards of approbation — The Dailyer Nebraskan and the Publications Board of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln have deemed it necessary to adopt a code of conduct. The following is a list of
standards characterizing what is and what is not suitable for publication in The Dailyer Nebraskan: • No editing or cleaning up of language shall occur when conducting a true interview (Entertainment Section). We believe that editing one’s language skews the reader’s perception of the interviewee. • The use of profanity in satirical news articles shall not occur unless its usage bears an intended effect on the meaning of the article. • No limits shall be placed on the strength of language used. All words considered profane are on an equal playing field, but none are to be used unless in the situations described
above. • Nudity shall be limited to the hind side of an individual; however, photos of individuals wearing clothing that accentuates other areas of the body are acceptable but to be used sparingly and in good taste. • The Dailyer Nebraskan shall not be a biased, subjective or partisan newspaper. It will strive at all times to cover all issues and all groups equally. • All university officials, administrators and faculty members are liable to be cited and/or quoted incorrectly in satirical news articles written by members of The Dailyer Nebraskan; however, stories must be overtly bogus in
order to dispel any beliefs that information within the articles is in any way true. • Being a satirical news zine, The Dailyer Nebraskan may, at times, offend target groups and therefore bears the responsibility of being criticized as anti-(insert group here). One goal of The Dailyer Nebraskan is to be known as “fair in its offenses,” meaning that no one group shall bear the brunt of the joke. • The Dailyer Nebraskan shall follow the AP Style Guide. • The Dailyer Nebraskan shall follow all rules set forth by the University-Wide Student Publications Committee’s Guidelines for the Student Press-Revised Edition.
Local
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Oct. 23, 2012
In Desperate Attempt to Increase Readership We’re Writing ‘Lesbian Sex ’ In This Headline Greg Bright Dailyer Nebraskan In a completely indefensible and abhorrent act, we at The DailyER Nebraksan decided that instead of giving you any attempt at satire, we’d instead give you exactly what you want, lesbian sex. It is very difficult, as you might imagine, for us to actually give “lesbian sex” to you per se, but we are here to try. “We really just want to give the people what they want. And I don’t think I’m
wrong in assuming that what the public wants is for two ladies to start having sex right here, right now, instead of reading some terrible satire rag,” the writer of this article, Greg Bright said. “I know I’d rather be doing that than writing this piece of shit article.” Several people on campus who we were too lazy to actually interview, but who we feel do in fact believe this, said that the paper really needed to become more like European tabloids with “naked ladies everywhere”
instead of trying to make us laugh with “terrible dick jokes.” “If you do that, then we might actually read the damn thing.” Well several people on campus, we listened and we listened hard. So here it is, the closest thing we have to naked ladies everywhere, an article that was written about lesbian sex in an article. We listened. We wrote lesbian sex in a headline. We came. For the love of god, we hope that’s good enough.
Woman Can Open Her Own Damn Jar of Pickles Mitch McCann Dailyer Nebraskan Local woman Karen Bell prides herself on devoting her entire life to being an independent woman. Bell spends her days teaching Literature and Writing at Belmont Elementary school and her nights out with friends or doing things around the house. As Bell often tells those who inquire about her relationship status, she lives alone “and likes it that way.” Her apartment, a one-bedroom north of 27th street, is not without its charm and, as Bell puts it, “is in no need of a male presence.” “Sometimes we worry
about Karen,” says Kylie Jewell, a close friend to Bell. “There was this incident with a pickle jar a few days back... We’re honestly just trying to look out for her. We don’t want to force a man on her, but she’s in her mid 30’s. She needs to start settling down.” Bell spent the last few years volunteering around Lincoln, lending her time to local women’s shelters and several other like-minded organizations. When she is home, she says she enjoys the peace and quiet and can often be found when cooking an elegant meal for one. “[Jewell] told you about the pickle incident, didn’t she? Okay look, I got [the pickles]
from Super Saver and they always vacuum seal the crap out of those things. It wasn’t my fault it broke open when I TAPPED the edge on the counter.” Jewell and several other friends of Bell seem to remember the incident differently. “We were all gathered for a party and [Bell] was in the kitchen twisting and yanking on that jar, contorting her body trying to jerk it open. It was pretty embarrassing. We offered to help but she just started screaming.” “I don’t need them! I don’t need anyone!” said Bell in a raised tone. “I can open my own damn jar of pickles, thank you very much!”
A Trick 'r Treater's Guide to Lincoln
UNL Chancellor Recruits Staff for New Metal Band, “Mother of Perl” ery night before bed. I can Tyler Keown Dailyer Nebraskan tell you so much about Def UNL staff are reporting receiving an email inviting them to bring their “sickest licks” to the UNL Chancellor’s office for “a chance of a lifetime.” “It’s gonna be really extreme,” read the email, which included an attached image of a skull Chancellor Perlman had drawn with the words “Mother of Perl” written on the forehead. “I’m thinking like Pantera-style guitars mixed with the aura of Metallica.” Staff reaction has been negative so far, with most employees confused. “Who does he think will show up?” asked Linda Gables, a professor in the philosophy department. “He always gets these big ideas in his head that he chases like crazy for a few weeks, then they lose steam.” “Just a couple months ago he sent a similar email asking who wanted to start a ‘Perls of Wisdom’ podcast with him,” she added. Perlman said this wasn’t just a passing fad. “Metal for life,” he said. “Metal for death. Are you really questioning my commitment? I’ve been watching VH1 documentaries for the past week and a half ev-
Leppard. Don’t question my commitment.” This isn’t Perlman’s first foray into the world of music. Earlier this summer, he opened a MySpace music page under the name of “DJ H-Bomb.” Before that, he had aspirations to form a folk group, “Perls Before Swine.” “They were test runs,” Perl explained as he practiced head-banging in his office. “My dad used to tell me when we went to the swimming hole, he said, ‘Harvey, don’t jump in. Put your toes in first.’ I was putting my toes in. Now it’s time to jump.” The only response he’s had to this point is from David Cret, a graduate assistant in the mathematics department. “We will tear shit up, I can promise you that,” Cret said. “Mother of Perl is coming for your ears. Harvey has this really awesome idea to hold all of our practices at Memorial Stadium so we have room for all our fans. I feel like I’m working with a rock God.” “Metal forever,” he added. Perlman feels the same optimism, from his red headband to his recently-purchased leather boots. “We’re here to stay,” he said. “Stay and slay.”
Good Idea: Loading your gift bag full of goodies before leaving the party Bad Idea: Loading your drunk date full of goodies before arriving at the party Good Idea: Taking in the sights and local nightlife of Downtown Lincoln Bad Idea: Taking in the sights and local nightlife of The North Bottoms Good Idea: Carving a funny face into the pumpkin because your friend told you to Bad Idea: Carving a funny face into your friend because the pumpkin told you to Good Idea: Renting your skimpy cat costume from a local halloween shop Bad Idea: Renting your skimpy cat costume from “Easy Tracy” on the corner of 21st & A
Est 1991
National
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Oct. 23, 2012
Obama Actively Courts Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ Vote Colin Loberg Dailyer Nebraskan
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY JACOB FRICKE
Every Country Singer Enters Rehab Jacob Fricke Dailyer Nebraskan Following what was described as “a wild, swingin’ time” with women who had “honkey tonk badonkadonks,” every country singer has entered alcohol, drug, and sex rehabilitation. The evening began when every country singer consumed a low-quality beer with friends of the same gender and social class, except for the one outsider “from the big city,” most commonly NewYork. If the country singer was married, they were sent off with a loving kiss from their highly respected significant other. If unmarried, the country stars set off determined to have a “good n’ crazy” time, either for their own sake or to spite a cheating significant other. Shortly afterward, each country singer entered a seemingly identical Chevrolet Truck despite feeling “just a bit tipsy.” This feeling, though they acknowledged it was unwise given that they are driving, nonetheless gave them a sense of empowerment that it was “gonna be a good night,” according to sources. Upon arriving at their destinations, most commonly a bar or tavern with a country or deep south theme, a package of red Solo cups appeared. After ordering a round of slightly-higher quality beer for everyone currently present, the country singers decided it was time for
some ambiguously branded “whisky,” despite the universal acknowledgement that it is a poor decision. Having consumed their fair share, they decided it was time to put some country music on the jukebox, with deceased country singers Johnny Cash and Hank Williams being the most popular. As the evening progressed on, the single country singers were likely to notice someone of the opposite gender with whom they shared mutual romantic interest, who was wearing a “cowboy hat and leather boots” to some apparent success.This attraction was likely to elevate as the evening progressed, culminating in a climactic moment of a shared kiss. Married country singers, when not actively attempting to seduce American Idol contestants, were always sure to keep their significant others and invariably perfect and happy children on the forefront of their minds. Inevitably, a poor decision was made, whether it was to drive home whilst legally drunk or making some decision that, while seemingly innocent and mischievous, landed them in prison for the evening. After repenting and/ or sobering up, they were released the following morning with quite a story to tell. The country singers could all be seen entering rehab the next morning, following a dawn trip to church and the consumption of some red wine.
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dailyernebraskan.com
Every Presidential race promises ups and downs for the nominees, and the 2012 race has been no exception. Only two weeks from the finale, the candidates still continue to struggle for a clear lead in the polls. The resounding success of Mitt Romney in the first Presidential debate may have damaged Obama’s standing, but he is only down, not yet out. In a strategic play after his Tuesday night debate, Obama made the bold move of embracing his Republican opponent’s accusations. This week will mark an unprecedented turning point in the race as Obama begins to openly target the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ voting demographic. After avoiding and denying the numerous circulating claims about his past, the President has finally decided to run with the rumors. New York Times election analyst Nate Silver is of the opinion that Obama’s new game plan has completely flipped the board. “In the history of Presidential races, no one has so boldly sought the Socialist,
Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christs’ vote. I mean sure, some guys like FDR and Van Buren have gone after Socialists or AntiChrists, but no one has ever approached all of them at once. This is incredible and will change the way future candidates go after the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, AntiChrist bloc. Mark my words.” While the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ is a crucial voting bloc, it is an overwhelmingly small one. In fact it consists of only one man, Chad Phillips of southern Florida. Obama campaign organizer Jim Messina has assembled a portfolio about every aspect of Chad’s life in order to better tailor ads to suit his voting interests and lust for the death of innocents. “At the Obama head offices we’ve made an index of every forwarded email and message board concerning Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, terroristic Anti-Christs. You see, even though he’s the Devil’s spawn, he still prays daily to Mecca and cares about unequal wealth distribution. We couldn’t find Chad’s birth certificate, so we assume he was born in Kenya, but we’ll also set up some billboards to appeal to
his possible Indonesian heritage. Chad is a unique voting bloc and needs to be treated as such. His cruel bat talons are yet undecided, and could mean the difference between victory and agonizing defeat. After the millions we’ve invested in “Chad ads” it’s hard to see how Romney could win the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, Anti-Christ vote this late in the race.” Despite Messina’s belief in an Obama monopoly on the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ market, Romney has refused to roll over. Rescinding his former statements and birthplace, the GOP challenger has now announced that he is also a Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan AntiChrist. The two candidates have been reduced to sitting outside of Chad’s house and throwing promises and Che Guevara shirts at his hell gate. As both men further entrench themselves as Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan AntiChrists to win the favor of Chad Phillips, the US will continue to shine as a beacon for the eternal beauty of the two-party system. God bless America and God bless Chad Phillips, the horrific undecided demon.
World
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Oct. 23, 2012
Sesame Street Introduces New Anti-Semitic Character Jacob Fricke Dailyer Nebraskan Following the trend of introducing new characters to fit modern trends, the creators of Sesame Street have added a character with anti-Jewish sentiments to the show. Current show-runner Susan Simmons explained the changes to massed journalists, fans, and the AntiDefamation league. Stating, “this is just how it’s going to be,” she spoke at length about why this decision was made. “We introduced a HIVpositive character to the show, to general acclaim, back in 2002,” she said. “And more and more musical guests are coming on the show to sing about tolerance and acceptance of all people. Sesame Street has always sought to adapt to the times.” As such, new characters are being added. The first, new puppet Israel Goldski, will be introduced to the
show at the beginning of November. “Israel is a fun-loving six year-old boy who loves to play,” said Simmons. “He aspires to be an accountant, is extraordinarily polite to adults, and never misses an opportunity to earn a few dollars. His mother, Shiela, has a heart of gold and is always involved in her son’s life, making sure he does all the things he is supposed to do. Many times over, in fact.” Israel, who is set to be a skinny puppet with a large nose and kippa, will be brought into town because Bert and Ernie are being harassed by Israel’s father, who is attempting to foreclose on their home. “We are also excited to introduce another new character, who will provide a direct counterpart to Israel,” said Simmons. “Bobby White is a ten year-old boy who loves school, riding his bike, and exposing the oppressive Zionist regime that runs all of our banks and
ISRAEL GOLDSKI AND BOBBY WHITE POSE FOR NEW CAST PHOTO | PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY JACOB FRICKE
governments.” Bobby is the son of two former UC-Berkley professors who have moved to join the “Occupy Sesame Street” movement. The current plan is for Bobby to frequently be alone, as his parents have taken new jobs as community organizers and have little time for raising their son. “His parents being occupied, Bobby decides that the only thing to do is to spend time with Israel,” said Simmons. “And, because of the way he was raised, he
Mitt Romney Promises to Leave All Foreign Policy Decisions to Greg Bright Dailyer Nebraskan As the election gets nearer and nearer, the presidential candidates have begun moving their respective campaign messages toward topics other than the economy, including foreign policy. It’s an area Mitt Romney believes he has the best solution for fixing. “It is my belief that all of the United States’ foreign policy decisions should be made by Israel,” Romney said in a speech in Virginia last week, and has reiterated every day since. “Obviously, Israel is our greatest ally, and a country who understands the world, and the United States’ place in it, far better than any U.S. citizen does, including myself.”
The move has been met with positive feedback within the Republican party, including from John Boehner. The Speaker of the House said the decision really makes the Republican candidate stand out against Obama, who still believes Americans should make policy decisions about America. “Do we really want a President who would make his own decisions based on American intelligence, or do we want Israel making decisions for us?” Boehner said at a speech in his home state of Ohio, to chants of “Netanyahu,” the Israeli leader. While the Obama campaign has questioned leaving the foreign policy decisions of most powerful country in the world to a nation who must constantly be on the de-
fensive because they are surrounded by countries who refuse to even acknowledge they exist, many Americans believe Israeli leadership may just be what America needs. “Netanyahu and the Israeli people aren’t afraid of starting World War III and annihilating the world if that’s what is necessary to preserve what is right,” Dan Pederson, a Romney supporter, said. ‘We need that kind of leadership in this country, not that sissy ‘let’s avoid nuclear war at all costs’ policy of Obama’s.” A recent Gallup poll, showing Romney ahead by six points, has forced the Obama campaign to declare that, while Obama still will make America’s own policies, he will allow Israel to veto any policy they don’t like.
decides that the only logical thing to do is to act negatively toward him. We have episodes planned where Bobby steals Israel’s money, where he mocks Israel publicly for wearing his ‘stupid hat thing,’ and many more.” According to Simmons, the introduction of these new characters are intended to reflect America’s growing reluctance to accept domestic Jewish culture and Israeli influence in American foreign policy.
“It is considered common knowledge now that the Jews caused the financial collapse, and were aware of 9/11 before it happened,” said Simmons. “As purveyors of media, it’s our job to hold a mirror up to American perspectives.” Though the new episodes are expected to cause some controversy, no one affiliated with the show anticipates them causing as much trouble as last year’s now infamous “Cookie Monster Intervention” episode.
Man Bombing Federal Reserve Thought There Was Actual Money There Christina Mayer Dailyer Nebraskan Reports surfaced earlier this week that the FBI had uncovered and blocked a plot to blow up the Federal Reserve building in New York City. Initial reports indicate that the alleged bomber, Bangladeshi student Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis, wanted to “blow up all of America’s money” in order to advance the cause of radical Islam. New York mayor Michael Bloomberg was swift to condemn the plot, calling it “absolutely appalling” that anyone would think the United States had enough spare cash to keep it in the Fed building. “The city of New York, along with our fellow Americans, will not stand for the ignorant notion that the Federal Reserve building contains actual money,” Bloomberg told reporters on the steps of the Empire State Building. “Our nation’s reserve funds are stored safely in the recesses of China’s na-
tional banks.” Sipping his $7.39 venti non-fat peppermint white chocolate mocha, the mayor added, “Americans are broke. Duh.” Some economists took care to point out that, in an election season, it’s not unreasonable that a visitor to the United States might be confused about the state of the economy. Economist Jason Moore cites a speech by President Obama, given to a group of students in Wyoming, as a particularly confusing one. “Our economy is doing splendidly,” the President said. “But not if Mitt takes over. In that case, the economy is doomed. It’s heading that way now just thinking about him... our economy is in serious danger. Have I told you guys how good the economy is?” The alleged bomber has not issued a public statement. Nafis was, however, seen glaring at an abandoned quarter on the street and muttering that it “wouldn’t escape him” next time.
Sports
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DerN Sports Desk DerN insidER KEY STATS:
100% OF FANS WHO LEFT THE GAME EARLY FEEL LIKE TOTAL ASSHOLES
13%
DRANK THEIR WEIGHT IN BEER PRIOR TO THE 4TH QUARTER
Bill Belichick Has Arms Ripped Off by Ghost of Sweatshirt Mitch McCann DerN Sports Desk New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick awoke with a fright Monday morning following a disturbance at his personal home in the American Northeast. Belichick was reportedly assaulted in his sleep by a spectral being who savagely attacked the National Football League coach, tearing his forearms from his body, extending up past the elbows. News outlets confirm the source of the attack was, in fact, the combined cosmic energy of Belichick’s discarded or worn-out sweaters. The lot of whom joined their
@DerNSports Northwestern:
“Husker fans take a step back from the ledge” “Bo Pelini promises Tom Osborne there is no correlation between stupid penalties and poor coaching” “Every single Husker fan ‘totally knew’ they were gonna come back” “Bo Pelini Smiles”
phantasmic energies into one sentient miasma that wrought vengeance upon the beloved coach around the stroke of midnight. “Those close to Belichick understand his penchant for ripping the arms of off his football sweaters. He claims they restrict motion and don’t allow him to show off his Super Bowl winning forearms...” said New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft “I don’t think Bill ever thought it would come back to spite him so badly.” According to a shaken and bloodied Belichick, the conjoined apparitions took the form of hundreds of different Patriots crew necks, hoodies,
BELICHICK MOURNs HIS LOST APPENDAGES | photo by MITCH MCCANN
and sweaters; all of which had no fabric lower than the bicep. “It was a terrifying experience to say the least.” sobbed Belichick’s wife Susan, who was present at the
time of the demonic visitation “I suppose if there is a silver lining to all of this, at least Bill can continue to where those pullovers he loves so much.”
37,682,456 Books Filled with What Bo Pelini Doesn’t Know
tweets from the game:
“Husker fans waiting until Northwestern scores again before they start cursing profusely”
Oct. 23, 2012
Greg Bright DerN Sports Desk Following Bo Pelini’s frequent use of “I don’t know” when answering postgame questions, the DailyER Nebraskan Investigative Team decided it was time to figure out exactly what Bo Pelini does not comprehend. The team found that what Bo Pelini doesn’t know could fill just about 37,682,456 books, ranging from topics as diverse as microbiology, 10-letter words that aren’t ‘cocksucker,’ and how to build a successful defensive scheme against a mobile
quarterback. The list will hopefully help Nebraska journalists avoid questions and topics Bo Pelini doesn’t know and instead ask questions Pelini may in fact, have the answer to. Topics in this category are smaller, only totalling six books, including how to make your special teams look really embarrassing by playing too many walk-ons, and how to beat teams with much less speed and talent after somehow falling behind by 20+ points. The investigative team’s results have already helped Omaha World-Herald columnist Tom Shatel, who
pelini in the midst of a press conference | photo by mitch mccann
said it “is much easier to write meaningless articles three times a week if Pelini
actually says something other than ‘I don’t know’ after every question.”
NBA Season Preview West
Northwest:
Top Dog: OKC Thunder • Barring someone shaving off James Harden’s beard in his sleep, OKC should win their division with ease. Wildcard: MN T’Wolves • Resilient as always, Kevin Love will attempt to become the first player to lead the league in rebounding with one hand.
Southwest
Atlantic:
East
Top Dog: SA Spurs • The Spurs have combined the perfect balance of superior team basketball with all the entertainment value of a furby with dead batteries.
Top Dog: Boston Celtics • The union of Kevin Garnett and Jason Terry has finally turned the Celtics into the undisputed leader of arrogance and sweat.
Wildcard: NO Hornets • Anthony Davis has spent the off-season teaching his unibrow how to shoot the fade-away. NBA be warned.
Wildcard: Brooklyn Nets • Everyone has their eyes on Brooklyn, as Jay-Z and whoever the hell plays for them are surely about to storm the NBA.
Pacific:
Top Dog: LA Lakers • The Lakers managed to turn 60 healthy games of Andrew Bynum in to Dwight Howard and Steve Nash. If that isn’t ‘top dog’ material we don’t know what is. Wildcard: Sacramento Kings • No other team in the NBA is going into this season with the possibility of calling three different cities home by the all-star break.
Southeast: Top Dog: MIA Heat • LeBron James enters this season as the undisputed best basketball player alive. But is he any good?
Wildcard: WSH Wizards • John Wall finally has a supporting cast that he doesn’t have to worry about assaulting him in the locker room.
Central:
Top Dog: Indiana Pacers • Sure, most people may not be able to name a single player on the Pacers, but how can you argue when the second best team is a Chicago Bulls team without Derrick Rose Wildcard: Cleveland Cavaliers • If Kyrie Irving can play as well as “Uncle Drew” from those “Pepsi Max” commercials, the Cavs may not be one of the five worst teams in the league this year.
Opinion
Dailyer 7
Sorority Report: “This year I’m dressed as Daddy’s Disappointment”
Brittnie Interim Sorority Authority ‘Sup, sluts. The name’s Brittnie, and I’m the interim sorority authority while Brittnie is sobering up. This week I’m here to talk about an issue very near and dear to me: picking the sexiest Halloween costume. And I have the perfect one: papa’s shameful second-born. Everyone knows that Halloween is the second best holiday after Christmas, of course (I swear to God, Steve, if you don’t buy me the new iPhone for Xmas I’m gonna make sure my mom sees how many times you’ve
gone through my spring break 2012 photo album, you worthless dick). You get to go out and show the world your inner bitch. Or outer bitch... whatevs. Anyways, Halloween is all about being sassy and unique with your costume, and above EVERYTHING else, slutty. Sexy crayon, sexy car, sexy Brittnie (totes kidding, I wear my sexy Brittnie costume 365 days a year. Brittnie don’t need a holiday to be HAWT). Anything naughty and fun, really. But I don’t have enough time or vocab to talk about every kind of sexy inanimate object costume, so we’re just going to focus on my costume. It’s the one look that will have every house chica buzzing. This costume is the tits! The best thing about dressing as father’s regret is how easy it is. You can really do it while wearing anything -- disappointing daddy has no dress code. You can do it in yoga pants, leggings or, my
personal favorite, nothing at all. I can’t stress this enough, girls. Just wear whatever carries the least inhibitions and leave your dignity at the door. Where we’re going we don’t need shame. The most important part of bringing dishonor upon your family’s name is your behavior and how it sets you apart. You think you’re the only bad bitch trying to get back at your dad for not buying you a Lexus? Think again: there are houses full of girls who are willing to ruin their reputation for a lot less than you, and if you want your dad to stop returning your phone calls you’ll have to dig deep. I recommend getting schmammered and making out with your best friend’s boy toy (UNLESS IT’S JAKE, YOU TRAMP). Other ideas include puking into a child’s play house or driving your Prius into your Comm professor’s living room. It’s really up to your own discre-
tion, so have fun with it! And above all else, document your deviance. The ‘rent remorse costume effect wont be complete until every moment of your exploits ends up on Facebook, Twitter or the local sex offender registry. And it never hurts to have a little viral video footage liven up family get-togethers and make dad squirm in his seat. Get the buzz out and the horrible shame spiral will follow. If you did your costume right, and I know you GDI’s didn’t, the end result should make the bros wolf-whistle and your father wonder where he went wrong. I sincerely hope (but not really) that you can use this costume advice to look your best (but not better than me, of course) at all your upcoming Halloween parties. And remember, bitches, it’s not really Halloween until daddy’s tearfully written you out of the will. Later, hater.
Hey! “Binders full of women” was my idea! one else tell the same joke? And they got more laughs than you? And it made that redhead laugh so hard she had to take a drink before you could get the Rophenol ready? It’s enough to drive a man legally insane! I can’t shake the feeling that the same thing is happening with this whole Mitt Ted Bundy Romney “binders of women” thing. Serial Killer Allow me to elaborate. The year was 1973. I was Hey guys, Theodore having a drink, staring out here. Unfortunately, I’ve got the window, when inspiration struck. I grabbed a a real axe to grind! Have you ever told a binder from my study and funny joke at a party? It’s a headed to my deep-freeze great feeling! Have you later downstairs. I picked out a happened to hear some- few dozen women fingers,
then found a glue stick and some glitter -- and the night turned fun! It became a neat little hobby of mine. I made frequent stops to the craft store, always on the hunt for new women and ways to display them. It made me more picky about my victims, actually, and a better murderer as a whole. I would check the skin clarity of potential casualties before anything else, because not even a beautiful gold-leaf trim can make a disembodied nose look better if it’s got acne on it. I’m Ted Bundy, damn it, not some settled-in septuagenarian using dollar store lace and melanoma-ridden
shoulder skin. I digress. What I’m trying to say here is that the internet reacted to Romney’s comments like it was the first time someone has put a women in a binder. It wasn’t. I don’t want to act like I deserve everyone’s recognition, but certainly I deserve more than this bozo. I can guarantee you he’s never once in his life had to peel off the painted fingernails of a recently chopped hand. He’d probably go for it right away, instead of letting the rigor mortis set in. How are you going to get leverage that way? You’re going to break the nail, Mitt! It’s horrifying.
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Oct. 23, 2012
Horoscopes Scorpio Oct. 23-Nov. 21 Be daring at that Halloween party tonight, even if it means trying a bit of crystal meth. Go on, the stars won’t mind. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 Slutty Halloween costumes are all the rage this year. Luckily, your daily wardrobe will fit right in. Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan. 19 Nothing screams “Halloween funtime” like drinking cider by yourself in the dark. Aquarius Jan. 20-Feb. 18 Pumpkin pie tastes way better if you add a pinch of allspice and PCP. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 Halloween is the perfect time to claim that rash is actually makeup. Aries March 21-April 19 Try to avoid being “that creepy house” that gives out condoms this year. You might think it’s funny now, but it’ll be less so when that soccer mom punches you out. Taurus April 20-May 20 Don’t expect anyone to bob for apples at your party. That toilet is a stunningly poor choice of receptacle. Gemini May 21-June 21 You won’t be turned away from people’s houses because you’re too old to trick-or-treat. You’ll be turned away because... well. Because you’re you. Need we elaborate? Cancer June 22-July 22 Keep in mind that science has proved Pixy Stix are a gateway drug. To obesity. Fatty. Leo July 23-August 22 Don’t take your cats to the party with you, unless your ego can stand the realization that they’re far more popular than you are. Virgo Aug. 23-Sept. 22 You’ve never been one for necrophilia, but that chick dressed as a zombie might change your mind. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 22 You could try stealing that Honda if your ninja costume makes you feel super-duper sneaky, but it’s more likely that you’ll wind up making some reeeeally, um, close friends down at the county lockup.
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Pretty Melodies over Dark Music interview by Jacob FriCke
photo courtesy of the artist
Legendary is not a word to throw around lightly. It is reserved for pioneers and trendsetters, opportunists and those of a strong disposition. Shai Hulud is legendary. Founded in the mid-90s, they were on the cutting edge of the then-novel concept of combining 80s heavy metal with the hardcore punk that emerged about five years later. A blend of passion, speed, and “misanthropy,” Shai Hulud released their seminal debut in 1995, “Hearts Once Nourished With Hope and Compassion.” Since then, the band has released two more albums, 2003’s “That Within Blood Ill-Tempered” and 2008’s “Misanthropy Pure.” Their fourth, with an as-yet unannounced title, will release in early 2013 on Metal Blade records. Vocals were recorded by original Shai Hulud vocalist (and current New Found Glory guitarist) Chad Gilbert on a session basis. The band is actively seeking a singer to complete their lineup.
The heart, soul, and internal organs of Shai Hulud consist of founding guitarist Matthew Fox. He spoke to Seeds. about working with old friends, what kind of candy he would be, and why he may not be so misanthropic anymore. Seeds.: Tell us how the new album is coming along. Matthew Fox: It is complete, if you can believe that. I can hardly believe that myself. It does have a title, but I have been instructed [by label Metal Blade] to not divulge it just yet. It’s been killing me not to let people know. I’m personally really big on song titles and album titles. Being such a fan of those things, it kills me. Seeds: Is it safe to assume that, given the names and content of your prior releases, it has something to do with a general dislike or distrust of humanity? MF: It’s not safe to assume that, it really isn’t. I’ll tell you this: when we first started working on the album, we had a concept that we
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were going with. The title was pretty harsh. If we had gone with that, it would be safe to assume. But it has since been changed and I think it reflects the content of the album a little more. It’s a little bit more optimistic, I might say. This is exciting for us because, not that we’re a negative or positive band, but like it says in our lyrics, “hope within hatred.” I think that the album title and the content of the material reflect that more than just abject negativity. Pretty melodies over dark music. Seeds: How was it having original singer [and current New Found Glory guitarist] Chad Gilbert sing on the record? MF: I’ve known Chad since he was 13, and I couldn’t stand him back then. He was a kid who was always asking me about Green Day, and I never liked Green Day. It makes sense that he went on to do what he does, because he’s always liked that kind of stuff. When he joined the band [back in the 90s] he was fifteen, and I
interview
don’t know that I’ve really spent any amount of time with him after he left [Shai Hulud] in 1999. We’ve talked and seen each other, but I didn’t really know what to expect. When he left, he was a child. Now he’s a grown man with his own thoughts and opinions. It was fun. Just like working with anyone else who is in the band, out of the band, or in any situation, there are times when you agree and times when [you don’t]. Overall, Chad and I have always gotten along well; we’re interested in a lot of the same things.The best part was, when I sent him the songs for the new album, he really dug them. I could hear in his voice over email and in person how much he cared about making the best album that he possibly could. Seeds: Why have there been so many member changes over the years? MF: It’s funny. A lot of people have speculated, “What’s wrong with these guys? Do they just beat everyone up?” Rumors always abound when it comes to that kind of stuff. They only thing that I can tell you is that the long-running members of the band, being myself and Matt Fletcher, our bass player, know what we want from a frontman, know what we want as far as a voice, and above all we know what we want as a person representing the band. We know what we want when that person is offstage and in the van with us. They’re tough to find. How many of our parents are still married after ten years? It’s difficult to find the right person to gel with you, especially when it comes to a band like Shai Hulud. Since the band started, I have written a lot of the lyrics and Fletcher has been there to help define what we’re writing about and who we are lyrically. That becomes the personality of the band. To find a singer, we need someone that’s like us, who can hear the lyrics and deliver them the way we want them to be delivered. That hasn’t been easy. Interview continued on page 11
photo by nathaniel shannon
reviews
Wolfgang Gartner illuminates Downtown
You haven’t heard noise until you’ve heard Pig Destroyer
King Kendrick has arrived
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seeds. staff
seeds. entertainment This section is intended to provide an alternative source of entertainment news to the University of NebraskaLincoln student body and the community of Lincoln.
entertainment staff
Writers Jacob Fricke Greg Bright Entertainment Editor Assistant Ent. Editor Patrick Wright Gabe Potter Daniel Stier thegappings@hotmail.com Nick Teets dstier12@gmail.com Matt Sueper
WEEKLY EVENT CALENDAR CONCERT S 10/25 White Denim | The Bourbon Theater 10/26 Beats Antique | The Bourbon Theater 10/28 Red Hot Chili Peppers | Century Link Center 11/1 KRNU Sessions: Father John Misty 11/2 KRNU Sessions: The Kickback 11/9 DailyER Presents: Brown | Red 9
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10/26 Silent Hill: Revelation 3D fun Size Cloud Atlas 11/2 The Man With The Iron Fists Wreck-it Ralph Flight
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Children of the corn Gatlin, Nebraska is the setting for this horrifying tale of misguided youths. Based on the short story written by Stephen King, the tale of a murderous horde of pre-teens will make you be wary the next time you find yourself in any small town surrounded by cornfields.
Dead snow When a group of students desire to hit the slopes to unwind from medical school stress, an unimaginable force of evil arrives to disrupt the wonderful vacation -- Nazi Zombies. This foreign thriller has become a cult icon and mixes in themes of the supernatural and unrivaled gore.
The house of the devil Ti West is making a film for himself as one of the more adept horror directors working today. His shots are careful and well-choreographed. As innocent babysitter Samantha realizes her employers have demonic plans for her, West unfolds a wonderful horror tale.
antichrist Quite possibly the most psychologically terrifying film made in the past decade, Lars Von Trier’s “Antichrist” made a reputation for itself by almost forcing movie patrons out of the theatre in the first 15 minutes. Good news is, it’s available for a lonesome midnight viewing 24/7.
creature from the black lagoon Deep inside the Amazon River Basin lurks a creature. Calling the legendary Black Lagoon home, Gill-Man is confronted with explorers who intend to capture him. Things get intense when Gill-Man falls in love with Kay, the fiancee of one of the explorers.
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shai hulud: from 9 Shai Hulud has been around for many years now. When things aren’t going well, people haul ass, and they haul ass quickly. If we’re touring and we’ve got great shows and everything is going well, everyone is happy. But the true test of character and loyalty is when things aren’t going well. What we’ve found, unfortunately, is that the true nature of peoples’ character comes out when we’re broke down in Minnesota and we have to stay on someone’s floor for three days. Seeds: Will there be a US tour after the album comes out? MF: We hope to break down in Minnesota again sometime soon. I don’t have any any details, as we don’t currently have a frontman. We have friends that have filled in in the past, and friends that have been gracious enough to say “hey man, whenever you guys are ready to tour, let me know.” We’re not going to let the lack of a permanent frontman stop us from touring. We are doing a search, and that’s our current priority.
Seeds: I don’t mean for this to be a leap in logic, but do you have an affinity for Halloween? MF: I think everybody does. Autumn is my favorite time of year. Halloween is good fun. I think our bass player Matt Fletcher likes it more than I do, he’s a big horror fan. Seeds: If you were a Halloween candy, what would you be? MF: Speaking for myself, and I think everyone in the world hates these except for me: I love Peeps, and I love candy corn. Especially the pumpkin-shaped. I don’t know what we should be, but I would want Shai Hulud to be Peeps or pumpkin-shaped mellowcremes, because those are my favorite. Seeds: You’re in another band, “Zombie Apocalypse”… MF: Zombie hasn’t been active for a while, but we do have plans to record soon. Seeds: Do you feel you sparked the current zombie trend? MF. No. The zombie trend was well in effect, in its early
stages, when Zombie Apocalypse formed [in 2003]. I will say this, though: I would never take credit for it, as there are many people who think similarly. The funny thing is, when we would come up with band names or song titles, we always went straight to the internet to make sure that nobody had had that name before. We chose “Zombie Apocalypse” because it seemed so random and so asinine. It was such a foolish thing to name a band that we didn’t check on it. Who in their right minds would do such a thing? I wouldn’t credit the band, but zombies just happened to get popular. It really is funny how we didn’t think anyone would use the term, and just how pervasive it is now. Interesting how that happens. Shai Hulud’s fourth album will be released in early 2013 by Metal Blade records. Photo by Chad elder | seeds.
Wolfgang Gartner | Photo Essay Patrick Wright seeds.
Perched atop his throne of lights and video screens, Wolfgang Gartner lit up the Bourbon Theatre during Lincoln Calling with a two-hour-straight set of flashing lights, beach balls, exotic dancers, and electronic music, including extended and remixed versions of “Illmerica,” “Redline,” “The Devil’s Den,” and “Space Junk.”
interview
seeds. 12
pig Destroyer Noise?
You don’t know noise.
Dubstep? ‘Dirty’ bass drops? That’s the computer talking. That’s a white-collar, digital facsimile packaged for those happy to buy a ticket for an iTunes playlist. That’s a nonsense word masquerading as rebellion while signing to major record labels.
That’s not noise. Mic destruction. Grinding metal on metal. Samples so distorted and edited that they are entirely unrecognizable. That’s noise. That’s Pig Destroyer.
treme. Their music is loud, inaccessible, and according to band member Blake Harrison, it is “stripped down… and disgustingly mean.” “Book Burner,” the band’s new album, is honestly unlike anything you’ve ever heard if the depth of your musical experience is anything less than skin deep. The album’s sound may be rooted in metal, yes, but this isn’t Pitchfork-sanctioned or Metallica-influenced. The genre is called ‘grindcore,’ and it sounds almost exactly as you would imagine. The drumming isn’t fast; it’s frantic. The vocals aren’t rough; they’re cruel. And, on top of this, there is the noise.
Harrison explains. “Well, Scott [Hull, guitarist] typiCorrection: that is ¼ of cally writes the music, and Pig Destroyer. The rest the drum programming, is blast-beat drumming, and presents it to us. JR throat-grinding vocals [Hayes, singer] then fits his and treating the guitar in lyrics, and lastly I put my a way that can only be samples and noise where qualified as abuse. I can. I want the songs to breathe and I don’t really Extreme? You don’t know extreme. want to step all over them.” Billing themselves as ‘Breathe’ may be a strange “the undisputed kings of choice of words for a man grind,” Pig Destroyer is ex- who, by his own admis-
sion, composes “soundscapes and ‘noisescapes’” for the band’s music. Indeed, you could be forgiven for, sometimes, wondering what is happening at all, especially on some of the tracks of “Book Burner.” “King of Clubs,” for example, is just over one minute of chaos, in which the only break from sheer intensity is a brief moment of what could be called a guitar solo. However, it sounds more like the guitar is being actively shattered.
interview by jacob fricke
“Basically,” said Harrison, “we wanted to make this a little more of a return to grind for us, not real frills. We wanted to make a nasty record and I feel that we did, mostly.” Music is in an age where album sales mean nothing, and cult success means all. Pig Destroyer will never appear in a car commercial, never appear on “The Voice,” and will never be appreciated by those looking for the ‘next big thing.’ But music? You don’t know music.
Pig Destroyer does.
photos courtesy of the artist
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bat for lashes: album review Daniel Stier seeds. Natasha Khan is an oddly beautiful, chic mistress of emotion. Bat for Lashes, Khan’s musical lifeblood, is much of the same. “The Haunted Man,” the English-based band’s third studio album, brings an almost character-centered perspective to each song. However, with some characters and players changing from song to song, the approach is honest and soul-baring. The idea of a haunted man, a haunted soul, is bringing truth to honest feelings, stripped down and naked. Opener “Lillies” begins to unravel deep intense feeling of love and hope for a dreamed future, a mellow-pop tune leading to the explosive bridge: “thank god I’m alive.” The following song, “All Your Gold,” turns to bring in the complexities of a new relationship, when one person is still attached and and gave all her gold to a former lover. “Laura” is a truly honest and shaking piano ballad that holds true to the stripped-down, emotionally brutal lyrical form. Khan’s lyri-
cal goal, to make this album as true to the artform as possible, is well achieved. These are deep, brooding tales of separate parts of Khan’s persona. This album is mature and polished, giving so much more to the album’s relatability. Khan is at home both lyrically and in song construction. Using methodical detail, Khan is able to have each song’s structure be a mirror and a perfect companion to the lyrics. Making use of samples and a disturbing mix of synth tones puts the feeling in each song in your very psyche. Songs like “Rest Your head” and “A Wall” have a heavy pop element to them where it may be ok to dance, but it will to be a dance laden with melancholy. The entire album seems based off that very
idea; the intense lyrical contexted brings out doom-pop vibes that are offset by “Laura” and woodwind and synth-toned “Winter Fields.” In the song “The Haunted Man,” a chorus of haunted men come in, eerily bringing the sense that the song’s texture is as complex as the themes tackled by the album. This album brings the work of Natasha Khan way past her sophomore “Two Suns” release of 2009, where the single “Daniel” blew up the indie charts and landed Bat for Lashes permanent plays at Urban Outfitters. Khan ties her album persona deeply to her own heart, and “The Haunted Man” is just that: a true telling of real feelings and emotional skeletons. Khan herself simply fits. Her vocal style is in the ranks of Caroline Polachek (Chairlift) and Annie Clark (St.Vincent), all strong in their delivery and emotional conveyance. “The Haunted Man” is a culmination of a little over three years of arduous work on Khan’s part. The record may be a little too much for new listeners, but old fans will be excessively pleased.
Kendrick Lamar: good kid, m.A.A.d. city Matt Sueper seeds. It’s official. West Coast rap is back. You can thank Kendrick Lamar for that. Overshadowed by Chicago and the east coast since the turn of the millenium, Kendrick Lamar picked up the hip hop scene from where Snoop Dogg, Tupac, and Nas left off. The rapper is not only one of the best talents to come out of the area, he is also arguably the most creative and insightful. “good kid, m.A.A.d city” is an album not like any other. Kendrick Lamar raps from the viewpoint of different characters who may or may not be the rapper himself, since he grew up in a strange world. Originally from Chicago, Kendrick Lamar’s parents moved to Compton to get their son away from the drugs, violence, and gangs of Chicago’s streets (I guess they didn’t realize Compton was, well, Compton). Regardless, Kendrick Lamar grew up straight despite living with family and friends who were involved with such vices that come along with the territory. The rapper was a smart child and didn’t take part in the gang-
banger life. He showed talent early on, impressing members of the hip hop community as early as the age of 13. The result of his unique upbringing is “good kid, m.A.A.d city”: a strong follow-up to his 2011 independently-released full-length debut, “Section.80”. The tracks on “m.A.A.d city” don’t stand up on their own quite like those on “Section.80”, but as an album, “m.A.A.d city” is undoubtedly the stronger of the two. This album is much less about singles than it is a connected work of art. An album similar to this would be Kanye West’s “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” in that it is more of a story, flowing from song to song. Key tracks on this album are “Backstreet Freestyle”, “Swimming Pools (Drank)”, and “Compton”. “Backstreet
Freestyle” showcases the rapper’s sometimes hidden talent of relentless lyrics with an unparalleled flow. He also is one of the few rappers that will ride the same beat differently on every verse. “Swimming Pools” was released months ago as the single. On the surface it sounds like a typical club song about alcohol, until further inspection reveals a more introspective look from Kendrick Lamar. Here, he raps from the perspective of his conscience in one verse, using a different voice. The rapper uses this technique in “Backstreet Freestyle” also. The album culminates in “Compton”, where Kendrick rightfully addresses himself as “King Kendrick”. It’s okay, though; he was dubbed the new king of west coast rap by Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, and The Game on stage in August of 2011. The concluding track features Dr. Dre and could easily become the anthem of Compton. “Compton” solidifies King Kendrick’s rule over the city and the rap game in general. “good kid, m.A.A.d city” isn’t quite a classic album. It’s a damn good album, but Kendrick Lamar’s best work has yet to come. This is just the beginning of King Kendrick’s reign.
Pokemon white/black 2: game review Patrick Wright seeds. Nintendo has never done a sequel to a Pokemon game before. There have been remakes and re-imaginings of past games, but never a true sequal. “Pokemon Black/White 2” was therefore a surprise, and a welcome one at that. “Pokemon Black/White 2” occurs two years after the events of the first one, but quite a lot has changed. Entire towns have transformed, gyms have become more epic, new areas have been introduced, and returning characters have grown, adding more depth to an already impressive story. New events such as the Pokemon World Tournament and Pokestar Studios add interesting new side adventures to the story, while the medals system (similar to achievements or trophies) will keep completionists busy for a long time. By the time you finally do make it to the Pokemon League, your Pokemon will easily be over level 60, and you’ll be facing some of the strongest trainers ever in a Pokemon game. That’s not even counting the post-game content, which includes a newly-introduced difficulty key to replay the game at a harder level. A Pokemon game wouldn’t be complete without the Pokemon, of course, and “Black/ White 2” doesn’t disappoint. The 156 Pokemon from the original “Black/White” are available from the beginning,
but they’re also joined by Pokemon from past games, including favorites such as Lapras, Lucario, Electabuzz, and others, totaling about 300 unique Pokemon available from the start. It’s a welcome change from the previous game, as the Generation V Pokemon from “Black/White” weren’t the best in the series, and it also gives players the chance to capture Pokemon that were hard to find or catch in previous games. Nintendo has also made it easier to find all those Pokemon with the new Habitat List function in the Pokedex, allowing trainers to check which Pokemon they’ve seen and caught in each area, as well as locate hidden grottoes that contain rare items and Pokemon with unique abilities. Despite carrying over the same storyline and old Pokemon, “Pokemon Black/White 2” feels utterly refreshing. Nintendo has perfected the Pokemon series, introducing new content and features while remaining to the core RPG aspects, making a game that feels much more complete than any other Pokemon game has before.
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walk the moon fun. king charles mumford & sons doves coldplay icky blossoms sleigh bells the search for new music starts with Seeds Pod. Here are some proven young talents (right) that resemble their “top 40” counterparts (left)
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seeds. 15
TITUS ANDRONICUS: LOCAL BUSINESS Nick Teets seeds. Many young bands birthed in the Internet era have stepped far past expectations with a concept album for their sophomore release. Many young bands have also horribly failed at this, and disappeared into the digital expanse. Bucking this trend, Titus Andronicus’ “The Monitor” was exceptionally good for their sophomore concept record, dealing with themes of alcoholism and love during the Civil War. But what is the next step for a band after exceeding expectations? In “Local Business” it is a return to form, while maturing as a band and exploring new sonic territories. The album starts of with
“Ecce Homo,” which is exactly the type of start to a Titus Andronicus album you would expect. The song has a strong, driving melody, and has the first of many sexy guitar solos that scatter the album. However, the song gets repetitive, as the same drumbeat and guitar melodies persist throughout the five-minute song. The next track, “Still Life with Hot Deuce and Silver Platter,” builds on the melody established in the previous track, but explodes into a catchy verse complete with succulent vocal harmonies and a screaming guitar solo. The track closes in a driving anthem reminiscent of the Gaslight Anthem, backed by a fantastic piano solo. “Upon Viewing Oregon’s Landscape with the Flood of Detritus” and “Food Fight!” are returns to good ol’ punk
like someone in love: film review Greg Bright seeds. Abbas Kiarostami’s “Like Someone in Love” is a film not like anything I’ve seen before, yet it is obviously a Kiarostami picture. It is the work of a master filmmaker who has created his own personal style, which he builds on with each successive feature, and this one is far from an exception. The film begins in a Tokyo bar which, as is slowly revealed, is also the meeting place for a group of prostitutes, including Akiko, who is attempting to talk her way out of working for her pimp tonight because her grandmother is in town. Of course, she fails and finds herself at the home of a semi-retired college professor, Takashi, which leads to a series of “events” that very few writer/directors other than Kiarostami would attempt to pull off. I put “events” in quotations because very little action, in the traditional sense, actually occurs in the film. Instead of focusing on the action, Kiarostami focuses on the mundane elements: the long taxi ride Akiko takes from the bar to Takashi’s house, for example, and the morning after the solicited sex when Takashi drives Akiko to her University. In the hands of many, if not most, directors, this would result in an excruciating two hours. But Kiarostami is able to make it something more, to show us that life exists within such mundane moments. Akiko’s taxi ride turns into an internal emotional breakdown for the character as she listens to a series of voicemails from her grandmother. The old woman, who Akiko has aban-
doned at the Tokyo train station, leaves her. It’s heartbreaking scene that proves even a movie playing with cinematic and Hollywood structure can contain deep emotional connections between the audience and the characters (yes, 1967-to-present Jean-Luc Godard films, I’m looking right at your emotionally void face). By the time the film runs into some Hollywood-style action drama, Kiarostami ends it. Some have called the ending abrupt, but there is nothing abrupt about it. Kiarostami spend the whole film using ordinary, mundane moments to show how his characters change around each other, and the deep impact a single moment can have on one’s life, so the action is unnecessary because we already know how it’s going to play out. Forgive the cliche, but Kiarostami is able to have his cake and eat it, too. He is able to twist, pull, and openly criticize Hollywood’s dependence on threeact structure and heightened drama, while never forgetting the need for three-dimensional, emotionally real characters.
rock, clocking in at only four and a half minutes combined. The faster tempo and rambunctious vocals of these two tracks emphasize one of Titus’ strong points: their inclination to rowdy, honky tonk punk rock. “My Eating Disorder” is the second longest but strongest track of the album. It begins like any other Titus song, but
soon evolves into a grueling chorus in the vein of the Lawrence Arms. After that, the song explodes into an epic, sludgy, doom-metal break, chanting, “spit it out!” before a dissonant climax to the melody. “Titus Andronicus vs. The Absurd Universe (3rd Round KO)” continues the dark feeling of the previous track, and retains some of the minor melodies that make this part of the album so interesting. “In a Big City” was an obvious choice for the lead single from this album, as it showcases the band reaching toward Fleet Foxes melodies and dream pop guitars. If the whole album could be as innovative as the middle tracks, it would be a much stronger album. The last three songs of the album are a drag, reaching toward bizarre influences
and not quite pulling them off. Instead it turns out boring and repetitive, and begins to sound like Titus Andronicus doing the same routine as usual. The fact that “Local Business” is 25 minutes shorter than “The Monitor” would seem to make it more accessible; unfortunately, it just turns out more boring. “Local Business” is missing the ambition of “The Monitor,” and lacks the sparks the make “The Monitor” such a successful album. “Local Business” just isn’t very diverse, and the same drunk, rowdy, scream-your-lungs-out punk doesn’t pay off after fifty minutes. However, the album still contains lots of attitude and great musicianship, plus growth that will surely pay off for Titus Andronicus in future releases.
ANBERLIN: VITAL Jacob Fricke seeds. Are your melodies boring? Synthesizer. Are you worried that your audience won’t understand what real drums are? Synthesizer. Does your lead singer have a fantastic voice that you don’t want heard? Autotune, then synthesize. “Vital” is probably the most disappointing album of 2012. No... scratch that. It is the most disappointing album of 2012. After carving themselves a solid niche of emo/alternative rock in the mid 2000s, Anberlin signed their first major label contract in 2007. The following year’s “New Surrender” and 2010’s “Dark is the Way, Light is a Place” were unremarkable as a whole, though each prominently featured excellent individual songs. “Vital,” however is the perfect example of trying to adapt to fads in popular music and destroying what they used to stand for.
The most apt analog is perhaps Fun., a band who released an album full of passion and excitement in 2009 and then promptly shit the bed with the overproduced, underwritten, synthesizer-driven pile of boring that was this February’s “Some Nights.” “Vital” features 11 songs, though you could be forgiven for thinking that there are about four distinctive tracks. A standard ballad (again, synth-driven) lightens the mood about halfway through, and a mediocre 2005-esque emo track fol-
lows. Then it’s right back into the synth-y radio rock. There seems to be a trend amongst contemporaries to refine what ‘alternative’ music really is. In the past, it was categorized by melodies and instrumentation that weren’t acceptable in the mainstream. Now, however, ‘alternative’ seems to indicate something that is entirely acceptable to radio: safety in poppy, synth-heavy instrumentation, and vocals that are as processed as American cheese and Cher’s face. This music could comfortably appear in car commercials, and nothing screams ‘alternative’ like trying to sell a car for its music features. If this is the album that breaks Anberlin into true mainstream acceptance, they should be congratulated. Success isn’t easy to achieve, especially now that album sales are so hard to come by. That said, they’re just as likely to lose touch with everything that set them apart in the first place.
Seven psychopaths: film review Gabe Potter seeds. “Seven Psychopaths” is long. I know it’s under two hours, but the story is much too long. There’s an hour of solid film in this beast, but director Martin McDonagh made the choice to have seven psychopaths wrapped up in it. Not one, two, or three, but seven freaking psychopaths. McDonagh then decides to waste even more of our time by making sure all seven of them get an individualized ending. The last 30 minutes of the film is a damn denouement for the bastards. Colin Farrell is the supposed main character, but the story isn’t about him. I’m not making sense, I know. The story is also originally about dog thieving, where we get a solid 15 minutes of these guys stealing
puppies... only to drop this plot thread entirely. The plot begins with Sam Rockwell kidnapping Woody Harrelson’s Shih Tzu. Harrelson, being the baller that he is, runs Rockwell and company out of town (note that I’m not saying “Farrell and company out of town”). Rockwell and friends then decide to write a story about their experiences, except they don’t know how to end
it. Rockwell, being a psychopath (spoilers), wants to end the story with a big standoff. So he tells Harrelson where he’s at and gets exactly that. This whole time, Farrell… well, he’s essentially just hanging around. His character’s motivations seem to be being a drunk and not taking control of his fate. Woo. I know I’m ragging on this movie, and this may be cliché, because this movie could’ve been great. The film is hilarious -- killing couldn’t be funnier. Rockwell and Christopher Walken are great, and I guess Farrell does a good job of being a bitchy drunk. I don’t know if that’s a compliment yet. But overall, “Seven Psychopaths” is too long and too concerned with stuff that doesn’t matter in the slightest. So maybe a little psychopathic after all.