After Suicide: The Grief Journey - Lory's Place of Caring Circle

After Suicide: The Grief Journey

Miles is my best friend. Following is a letter I wrote to him after he took his life: “Miles…you are the only one who truly understands me. I don’t need to put on a mask. I don’t need to fake anything. I don’t have to hide who I truly am. You pushed me to take that mask off for everybody. To always be myself. I was scared, but you were always there. I remember those nights bouncing on your trampoline. Our voices and laughter piercing the night and being carried away with the summer wind. We talked about whatever crossed our minds. I told you everything and you never judged me. You accepted who I am. Now that you’re not pushing me, I’m scared again. But I hear your voice pushing those thoughts and fears out of my mind. Your voice acts like a key unlocking inner strength I never knew I had.” ~Tobiah, best friend of Miles

Table of Contents Beginning the Journey In the Beginning

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Witnessing the Suicide or Finding the Body

2

Why a Police Investigation

4

The Place Where They Died

6

Viewing the Body

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Their Belongings

9

The Stigma of Suicide

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Questions

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The Grief Journey The Funeral – Honoring Your Person

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Children, Death, and Funerals

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The Path to Healing

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Coping: Becoming A Survivor

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Grief and Mourning

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Grief Reactions

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Children and Grief

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Unexpected Grief

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Secondary Loss

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The Journey Forward Special Days and Holidays

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Looking Back and Looking Forward

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Acceptance, Hope, and Healing

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Sources

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Resources

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Stories

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Beginning the Journey In the Beginning You are now a “Suicide Loss Survivor.” The term refers to those who’ve had someone they care about die by suicide and the difficulties they face as they “survive” the death of their person. Your emotional survival is subject on learning to cope with your heartbreak.

The death of an important person in your life is never easy to experience, whether it comes without warning or after a long struggle with illness. Death by suicide can make the process of bereavement challenging. It is often full of confusing and complicated emotions—everything from yearning for your person to being angry at them. It can be life-altering for those left behind. In addition, the shock of your person’s suicide can intensify this mixture of emotions.

Remember, this is your unique grief journey. There are no directions or timeline. You may start and stop many times.

Some days stumbling and other days more confident, as you work your way through the death and your reaction.

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William J. Worden, in Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, states “successful grieving helps a person to accept the reality of the death, experience the pain of grief, adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing as well as relocate the deceased in our life, finding ways to memorialize them.” 1 Source: [1] Worden, William J. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. New York: Springer Publishing Company, 1982.

Witnessing the Suicide or Finding the Body If you witnessed the suicide of someone or found the body, images of the person at the time of death may be etched into your memory. Persistent thoughts of the sights, sounds, and smells can be overpowering. It may be difficult to concentrate on anything else. You may experience anxiety and confusion. You may have physical symptoms such as chest pain, stomach, or digestive issues, breathing problems or difficulty sleeping, and nightmares. These emotional and physical reactions are normal responses to trauma. They should diminish in the weeks and months ahead. If physical and/or emotional symptoms persist, please see your health care provider.1

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Often people who have witnessed or discovered a suicide feel as if no one else is capable of understanding how they feel or what they have seen. The fact is suicide deaths are more common than most people realize. In the United States alone, there were over 47,000 deaths due to suicide in 2019.2 The close family and friends left behind after a suicide number six to 32 for each death.3 You are not alone.

Sources: [1] https://www.sosmadison.com/coping-after-a-suicide/witnessing-or-discovering-a-suicide [2] https://chapterland.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/13/2017/11/US_FactsFigures_Flyer.pdf [3] https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/investigations/2018/11/28/suicide-survivors-loss-family-friendssupport/1248006002/

I found Michael in the backyard not long after he had shot himself. It was a late October morning.

The autumn sun felt warm on his back as I laid my hand there. My son was 36 years old.

Debbie, mother of Michael

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Why a Police Investigation Suicide is considered an unnatural death and the authorities are required to investigate and rule out homicide. The scene, method, circumstances, information in a note if one was left, and personal interviews will determine the scope of the investigation.

The police may ask you questions about the deceased were they depressed, ill, or under a doctor’s care, etc.

They may retain personal items of the deceased: cell phone, computer, identification, medication, or a note, if there is one.

This will be a difficult time but do not be alarmed. Just because there is police involvement does not mean you or your person has done anything wrong. Cooperate the best you can under the circumstances. Do not be afraid to ask the police questions of your own. Once the investigation is concluded, you should be able to recover any personal items that were taken.

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After talking with the coroner, so cold and blunt the night before, the detective was a breath of fresh air. She was so kind and sympathetic.

She educated me that it was protocol to investigate any unnatural death. In the end, I was grateful for her and the investigation.

Nine months later, I was able to retrieve the police report, including the autopsy and toxicology report. While it didn’t solve the mystery of why he took his life, it did answer some of my questions.

Patrice, mother of John David

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The Place Where They Died If your person died at home, the situation may be complex.

You may be forced to confront the place where they died every day. Once an ordinary place, a room, or a space outside, is now a reminder of your person’s death.

Your mind may fill with visions, real or imagined. There may be more questions than answers. You may feel anxious or afraid each time you are there. You might also feel uncontrollably pulled to the spot. This is normal. By acknowledging, not dismissing, these reactions you open the door to healing.

If your person died in a location other than home, you may find yourself drawn to that place, to explore if it holds any significance to their death. If you decide to visit the location, you may want to consider taking someone with you for support. In contrast, you may have no desire to visit the location. Trust what you think is right for you.

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For a very long time, I would walk completely around the patch of grass in the backyard where I had found Michael’s body. I consciously tried to keep my thoughts neutral so I wouldn’t burst into tears or want to scream.

Today, very near the spot where our son took his life, is a weeping cherry tree, a small flower garden of perennials, bird feeders, and a handsome birdbath that stands gallantly steadfast. The flowers and feeders were there, but the tree and birdbath have come just for Michael. They sustain the birds that he watched, photographed, and knew so much about. It brings us sweet memories but more importantly, this garden sustains us as we strive to look, not at, but beyond the place where he lay.

Debbie, mother of Michael

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Viewing the Body Whether you are asked to identify the body or when making choices for a funeral service, this is an extremely individual decision. How they died and their appearance may be large factors to consider, as well as your state of mind before the death. Each survivor, even within the same family, has the right to make their own choice.

Experts agree that having the opportunity to view the body is important, along with time to decide who should identify the person, if necessary. Officials are responsible for explaining what the deceased should look like along with any guidelines that must be followed.1 This process may seem insensitive or formal. Having a trusted family member or friend accompany you may be comforting.

Some survivors wish to remember their loved one as they were. Others may feel the need to see their loved ones one last time. There is value in viewing the body. That one act can help accept the reality of this death. This is an important step in the grieving process. Funeral directors are trained to offer private family viewings. They take into

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consideration the condition of the body. If you are not able to view all of the body, consider sitting with the person and holding their hand.

It may feel overwhelming to make this decision immediately after the death considering the effects that grief has on your mental and emotional state. A death by suicide may add to the distress of this decision. Take your time and rely on trusted support. Make the best decision for you.

Sources: [1] BMJ 2010;340:c2032; doi: https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.c2032 (Published 30 April 2010)

Their Belongings You may need to decide immediately what to do with your person’s belongings. This can be a difficult and emotional undertaking. For now, you might want to simply box things up and store them away, to sort through later. Or leave everything exactly as it is if you can. Whatever you decide to do is okay.

You may be the guardian of all your person left behind.

You may have only a few keepsakes of your relationship. In

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either case, it is an important part of grieving. Give yourself as much time as necessary to become comfortable with the idea. Do not feel pressured to make any quick decisions about giving away or disposing of anything.

When you are ready, you will know what to do. You might consider re-purposing pieces of clothing into keepsake pillows, quilts, bags, or stuffed animals. Or you could create artwork, jewelry, or holiday ornaments from items that were special to your person, to you, or to others who loved them.

Trust yourself. Take your time. You will be ready when you are ready.

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John David was living in Denver when he took his life. We live in Michigan. After the funeral, I flew to Denver with my sisters to retrieve his things. We ended up packing nine large boxes and shipping them back to Michigan.

Upon their arrival, I was eager to sort. I went through everything…books and notebooks, shaking each item to see if anything would fall out. Smelling everything in search of his scent and checking every pocket. I wanted desperately to find a clue, a note, anything that might tell us why?

I found nothing. But now I had nine large boxes of books, knickknacks, and clothing.

What to do?

A supportive family member offered to make me a quilt with John David’s t-shirts; it ended up being a king-sized blanket. In retrospect, I probably should have left some of them off, but at the time I couldn’t part with anything.

Patrice, Mother of John David

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The “Stigma” of Suicide Even in today’s “enlightened” world, a stigma, a mark of disgrace and shame, is still attached to the act of suicide.

This stigma comes from the messages that society sends out, that there is something fundamentally bad about a person who would take their own life.1 There is also a tremendous amount of stigma toward people who think about or attempt suicide. 2 The subject of suicide remains socially “taboo” and shrouded in misconceptions.1,2,3 The stigma associated with suicide causes many people struggling with depression to feel a sense of shame and not seek help. They simply are too embarrassed, too frightened, and/or too ashamed. This may lead to increased feelings of isolation and loneliness.2 This type of stigma ignores the facts about mental illness. It can also negatively affect the suicide loss survivor. It may cause them to feel ashamed about their person’s death and not seek help to cope with their loss.1 Suicide does not discriminate. It affects all races, social groups, and economic groups. Your person died by suicide.

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They did not commit a crime. Suicide is not the result of a deficiency, failing, or cowardice. It is a perceived end to emotional pain and anguish.

Suicide does not define someone. Please stop and think about all of the beautiful things your loved one did. Because their “suicide” does not and will not define them as a person. Not today, not ever. Your person had hopes, dreams, and goals like anyone else, and was loved for who and what they were.

Sources: [1] https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/06/13/shame-stigma-and-suicidality/ [2] http://www.suicide.org/suicide-causes.html [3] https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2018.10.098

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With some people, I can literally feel their discomfort when I share that my son took his own life. They are not prepared to be that close to suicide. I never hesitate to talk about it, though, because I want others to understand and be aware of depression as a disease and the devastation it can cause. Knowledge and change can start with one person and maybe that person is me.

Debbie, mother of Michael

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I lost my brother to suicide 10 years ago. I remember the feelings I felt about how I was going to tell people the way he died. Suicide has no prejudice; it affects every race, religion, gender, and social class. To me, the stigma attached to suicide was very real. I don’t think people knew or wanted to know how bad mental illness was for so many people. I believe today there is so much more awareness of the role mental illness plays in the suicide rate. For me the more I talk about my brother’s life and try to help people understand how bad mental illness is, helps the stigma of suicide slip further and further away. I can only hope if we keep taking one step forward, we are moving in the right direction in helping people understand. Maybe someday we won’t have to worry about a stigma attached to suicide.

Patty, sister of Richard

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Questions Suicide loss survivors are left with questions that do not have simple, if any, answers. Some of our first thoughts after the death of our person: • Why? • How? • What if?

There is no single cause for suicide. It most often occurs when mental health issues and stressors join to create feelings of hopelessness and despair. Over 90 percent of people who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death. Depression and anxiety are the most common conditions associated with suicide and are often undiagnosed or untreated.1 While it does not answer what drives someone to that ultimate decision, studies confirm depression can cause cognitive constriction, or dysfunction in the brain. This limits a person’s ability to think or reason properly. Cognitive

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constriction is often described as a feeling of tunnel vision, as if you are seeing through a straw, or wearing blinders.

Though not every person with depression has cognitive constriction, the vast majority do. Most people who die by suicide experience this condition, which limits a person’s problem-solving skills. People in this state cannot see beyond their immediate circumstances. They believe their pain will never stop and the only answer is to end their life.2,3 Research shows that people suffering from serious mental illness and narrowed problem-solving skills can find it difficult to believe there are options. They see their only choice as an “all or nothing” extreme. Interviews with people who have survived their suicide attempts show they felt their death would not matter—that somehow it would be better for those left behind. They were not seeking attention, nor an easy way out. They stated they not so much wanted to die as to stop living. Others just could not deal with another day of pain.3,4,5,6 In other suicide deaths, there aren’t any obvious warning signs. People without mental illness can be prone to suicidal thoughts. Suicide may not be directly related to mental

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illness. Some suicide deaths are a response to a sort of crisis that the person was not prepared to deal with. In these cases, the tendencies of perfectionism or hopelessness in a crisis can be seen as “warning signs” in place of the mental health issues we’re more used to talking about.7 Sources: [1] https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/ [2] https://www.today.com/specials/suicide-attempt-survivors [3] https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/symptoms/depression-and-cognitive-dysfunction [4] http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/understanding.shtml [5] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201311/understanding-survivors-suicide-loss [6] https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/the-six-reasons-people-attempt-suicide [7] https://www.teenvogue.com/story/suicide-isnt-always-related-to-mental-illness

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Gregory was battling depression. He was being treated, and he was getting better. He wanted to get better. He was happy. He was planning a Wonderful Life. However, depression, like other diseases that can end in death, came in the night and stole him.

Gregory did not do this to us. He would never have wanted to cause us pain.

It was not Gregory. It was a disease.

Gregory was patient and kind.

Greg, father of Gregory

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Thoughts...

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The Grief Journey The Funeral - Honoring Your Person Funeral and memorial ceremonies are steeped in tradition.

They allow us to convey our thoughts and feelings about a person, and to honor and remember them. In being together, family and friends can offer comfort and be there for each other.

Some suicide loss survivors find funerals too distressing and painful, or personally unnecessary. They may prefer to honor their person in other ways such as donating to their favorite charity or planting a tree. The deceased may have left specific instructions about a funeral. You might be faced with considering the requests of family members or others around you.

While you may feel obligated or want to respect your person’s wishes, funerals are primarily for the benefit of the living. No matter the circumstances, give yourself permission to plan what is meaningful and important to you in honoring your person.

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Stories and suggestions from other experiences: I know my son would have preferred to be cremated, but at the time his father’s family wanted a traditional catholic funeral and burial.

And as they say, “funerals are for the living.

We were still able to personalize things though.

For example, instead of a suit, he was buried in and with the following: A blue jean vest with patches that had meaning to him and that he had sewn on himself.

A favorite plaid shirt, Harley racing undershirt, and jeans.

Toy Machine socks, his favorite skateboarding brand.

A black cat Beanie Baby…found at an estate sale and named Beyoncé after his real cat.

His favorite pocketknife.

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In addition, we picked a pine casket that allowed loved ones to write messages on it with magic markers. I was asked if I wanted pictures taken of the visitation/funeral. I was somewhat startled by the suggestion and responded “no.”

Pictures somehow ended up being taken though and afterward, I was grateful. Especially for the pictures of the casket with all the handwritten messages from loved ones. It’s nice to be able to go back and read all the messages.”

Patrice, mother of John David

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When our son Gregory took his life, initially I did not want any kind of memorial or funeral. I wanted to curl up and die, keep my pain and grief all to myself. The funeral director encouraged us to do something to remember him – but what?

Gregory was a smart, vibrant, funny 20-yearold. How could we have a funeral at the funeral home – that’s not what he would have wanted.

He would have wanted to be at home and be damned the social constructs of a funeral. So we planned a celebration of life. The funeral home was very accommodating. They helped us with some of the logistics and equipment.

We had a ceremony in our backyard. Our daughter wanted it to be comfortable so we pulled every piece of furniture you could sit on out of the house – chairs, sofas, piano benches.

We set them on area rugs from the house, set up small side tables, and put candles everywhere.

Our niece worked for a candle company and sent them to us. The packaging failed and most of the glass ones came broken. We used them anyway as they reflected our emotions – BROKEN.

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The celebration of life was by invitation only.

We told his friends to wear whatever they wanted –including robes and slippers as those were Gregory’s favorite home attire. Many of his friends came dressed accordingly. One of Gregory’s friends put together a collection of his favorite’s songs that we played, we read a little scripture, his Dad gave the eulogy, and friends spoke of memories of him. At the end, we toasted him to “Infinity and Beyond” with either scotch (his adult drink) or apple juice (his kid drink). He was cremated so we placed his convertible in the backyard. The antique box containing his ashes was in the driver’s seat so people could go, sit a spell, and say their goodbyes.

After the ceremony, we had his favorite Mexican food and at dark, we lit Chinese lanterns and released them into the sky to send him on his way. All in all, we were not bound by traditional funeral conventions. We honored him – No regrets!

Roberta, mother of Gregory

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Despite the grief, sadness, pain, or other emotions we feel today, I encourage smiles, laughter, and happy memories. I am sure Gregory would want the same. Sharing your memories of Gregory will help us all move through this tragedy. Your memories are special because he was part of your life.

He was part of our lives. He touched all of us. I always told him and Katie Marie that we are the sum of our experiences. We become part of the people we meet, and they become part of us.

Gregory’s good and great thing was to share in our lives and become part of us. He will always be with us. To honor his gift to us, we will live our lives to the fullest. He accomplished it—he did good and great things—by the time he was only 20 years old. Many of us are still trying.

And will continue to try.

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As I said, he was planning a Wonderful Life. But he also lived one—a Wonderful Life, in only 20 short years. We need to live one for ourselves.

I ask we all join together for a toast to Gregory.

Raise your glasses, ‘To Gregory… and as one of his favorite childhood characters would say…

To Infinity and Beyond!’

Greg, father of Gregory

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The note our son Michael left us said, in part, “no funeral, nothing religious.” That was easy to comply with, yet we needed to express our love for him. Not to say goodbye…never goodbye…but to begin a path for his journey to Valhalla. There he would take his place amongst his Norse ancestors, back to the beginning. This was our version of a Viking funeral. He was a warrior and deserved nothing less.

We searched through scores of water burial urns on the internet. We found one that was plain but strong and blue, his favorite color. We had it personalized with his name, a guitar, and paw prints. In addition, from a cache of castoff whiskers, we added a bouquet of cat whiskers that was tied with a small blue bow.

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I thought putting his ashes inside the urn would be hard. Instead, it was soothing and felt right.

His ashes were on my hands and my face. It felt good and I didn’t want to wash them off.

On a beautiful autumn day one year after his death, we lowered our son’s ashes into the gently rolling water off the North Pier. As his “ship” slipped beneath the small swells it left a perfect circle of bubbles on the surface. Michael was showing us he had found Valhalla, where the brave may live forever.

Debbie, mother of Michael

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Children: Death and Funerals If this death is a child’s first death experience, you may find yourself explaining what death is, how our body works versus how it doesn’t in death. You may have to explain that every living thing on this planet has a lifespan – a beginning and an end. Just as when talking about our bodies, do not use euphemisms. Use the correct words. Think about being a child and you are told that your person is asleep. If death is what happens with sleep, I would likely not want to go to sleep again. Or saying, “We lost Grandpa.” Then, “Let’s go find him!” Using correct language is very important.

We know that secrecy in the hopes of protecting a child will more than likely do more harm than good. Children are always listening and paying attention to what goes on around them. By not telling children the truth about the death, you risk hurting the relationship you have with them.

Explain and answer their questions honestly, as best you can, using age-appropriate language and responses.1

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Allow children affected by a death to be involved in planning the funeral or memorial service. This may be helping choose flowers, songs, clothing; sharing writing or pictures at the service or to place in the casket; etc. This allows them to feel a part of the process as well as helps to acknowledge the reality of the death.

Closing rituals are very important in a child’s healing, just as they are in an adult’s healing. However, no child should be forced to attend a funeral. Paint a picture of what the funeral or memorial service experience might be like: • A funeral home can look like a big house. There will be a bathroom, a room for snacks and drinks, and an area for play.

• People may cry because they are sad.

• People may laugh because they are remembering fun times.

• There may be a casket or an urn, to hold the body or cremains.

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• There will be a trusted person to stay with them if they become overwhelmed or to take them home.

Before you decide whether to include children in the funeral or memorial, share what the experience will look like. This allows you to encourage them to attend, but does not force them to. Having this discussion may also ease any anxiety a child may have about attending. If they choose to not attend or participate in certain aspects of the funeral, they should not be forced or criticized.1 Source: [1] https://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/kids-and-funerals/

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I was 5 years old when my father died by suicide.

At the visitation, my mother tried to make my sisters and I kiss him goodbye, but I refused.

I was too angry at him for doing this to us, for not loving us enough to keep living. Even now, 45 years later, I am so thankful that my mother didn’t force me to kiss him. It was the only control I had at the time. I think that anger is the only thing that made me live through all the losses I experienced as a result of my father’s death.

Chris, daughter of Henry

The one thing that strikes me is that after the funeral, the adults in my life stopped talking about my father altogether. Whether it was because of their grief or because they just didn’t know what to say, it was as if he never existed…

Laura, daughter of Henry

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The Path to Healing Grief comes without a map or directions. One of the first and most important things you can do for yourself is to seek out what fits your needs. Below are some suggestions you may find helpful for your journey.

Suicide loss survivors state they found the following helpful in their healing: • Talking one-to-one with another suicide loss survivor Sharing with others allows us to find love, support, and encouragement.3 Talking through your feelings, and telling your story over and over again is essential to the healing process. It is important to not suppress your grief.

• Suicide grief support group While life may go on for others as you may still be processing and mourning the death. This is why support groups are so valuable. Fellow survivors are truly empathetic to what you are feeling, and they never grow weary of offering support and listening.

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• Books on suicide and grief Some bereaved find books helpful in processing their grief. This can be a valuable tool to help individuals gain a greater understanding and have their feelings normalized.

• Individual therapy Individual counseling provides a safe place to talk openly about things that may not be easy to discuss with your family and friends. A counselor can help you understand your loss and put your experience into the context of what is expected in a normal grieving process. Together, you will come up with specific ways that will help you cope. Your counselor will also help you navigate the grieving process until you gain a better understanding of what you are going through and why.

• Educate family/friends on your grief needs People mean well overall. However, sometimes they are not sure how to help. They may say things

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that come across as hurtful. As the griever, you may need to educate the people in your life. This can look different for everyone. There is everyday support— buying groceries, fixing meals—and there is emotional support—just being there, by your side, listening.

Someone who will listen is one of the most powerful forms of support.

Any one of these or a combination may be what you need to create your support system. Family and friends, faith, and physical activities are also known to help in the healing process.1,2 The journey of grief never ends, but we find that by mourning in a healthy way our grief becomes manageable.

Sources: [1] http://www.johnjordanphd.com/pdf/pub/McMenamy,%20Jordan.pdf [2] https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

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We continue, as a family, to find our new normal with the help of our suicide survivors support group. We often say it is not a group that anyone wishes to join, but once you are a member, you find caring and understanding people on their path who will take your hand and help you find your path to healing and hope.

Betsy, aunt to Michael

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When I think about what gets me through the day, the following three things are at the top of the list: My friends and family…my whole immediate family flew here for John David’s funeral and all 15 of us stayed at my house for a week. It was tight, but exactly what I needed. They not only supported me, but they continue to help me find ways to remember John David.

My faith in God…and that John David is happy and well, and I will see him again.

My Suicide Loss Support Group…nothing compares to talking with someone who has true empathy because they have experienced the same pain.

Patrice, mother of John David

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Coping: Becoming a Survivor Healthy coping skills are a necessary part of the healing process. Coping means something different to each person who is grieving. At first, despite efforts to remain calm and strong, you may feel afraid or out of control and have no idea how to endure a life without your person. Your initial attempts at coping may feel inadequate or even disastrous.

That is perfectly normal! As you grieve, what you are feeling mentally and physically may change day to day. What helps you cope with your heartbreak may also change.

Every suicide loss survivor has the right to determine their own “coping techniques” or ways to make it through the day. Finding what works for you will require trial and error and being intentional. By deciding to do the work of mourning, there’s hope for healing.

At first, your coping techniques may consist entirely of staying in bed or not leaving the house—and that is okay!

Or you may be keeping yourself so busy you have little time to think and that is okay too. Taking a shower, cooking a meal, or being quiet and mindful may each seem like a

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small thing. To someone who is grieving it is a huge victory!

With support and resolve, you will find it is possible to face the world, a little at a time.

Some ideas to help you move forward: • Talk and share about your person • Look through photos • Wear an article of their clothing • Do something they enjoyed • Turn to your faith with prayer or meditation • Return to work, a daily routine, or everyday tasks Finding a new focus can be especially helpful: • Journaling • Reconnect with friends or family

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• Volunteer at a local charity, senior center, school, or hospital • Try a new hobby or renew an old one The use of rituals and memory pieces can be a very beneficial part of coping: • Plant a tree in your person’s honor • Release balloons or lanterns on their birthday • Display their artwork, musical instruments, awards, or childhood keepsakes • Incorporate a holiday candle lighting ceremony in remembrance • Make a charitable donation or participate in a 5K race in their name • Get a special or meaningful tattoo

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Have patience! It may take a lot of trying before you find the coping techniques that will help you as you mourn. As time moves on, your life will change and so will you. Even though you will grieve for your person forever, hopefully, the coping techniques you choose will allow for moments of joy.1,2,3 Sources: [1] https://positivepsychology.com/resilience-skills/ [2] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-resilience-2795059 [3] https://www.nationaljewish.org/conditions/psychological-social/coping-skills

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In honor and remembrance of my son, I now have two small tattoos, one on the inside of each wrist. On the left, the heart side is an ancient Norse or Viking symbol for mother and child. On the right, is a symbol of strength, also Viking in origin, in keeping with Michael’s and his father’s Norse heritage.

It took me a long time to find designs that spoke to me. If I was going to commit to a lifetime with these tattoos, they needed to mean something!

Here would be a tangible piece of my heart.

I look at and touch these talismans many times throughout the day. They bring me memories and comfort. These small ink designs whisper of my broken heart, sadness, and grief but also courage, hope, and resilience. And how far I have come since that October morning in 2015.

Debbie, mother of Michael

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Grief and Mourning People tend to use the words grief and mourning interchangeably. There is a critical difference. Everyone grieves when someone significant in their life dies. Grief is very individualistic. Grief is based on who you are as a person, who your person was, and the history of who the two of you were together. No one responds to a death or grieves the same. Every reaction is normal.

While everyone experiences grief, not everyone mourns.

Mourning is expressing your grief, letting it out somehow.

Mourning allows you to incorporate your person’s death into your own life. By making friends with your emotions and expressing them, you will find a renewed meaning and purpose in life.

You mourn when you cry, talk about the death, write about it, punch something, or other outward expressions. If we choose not to mourn, grief does not just disappear. It waits and can show up in unhealthy behaviors or poor physical and mental health. It is possible to bury your feelings or ignore them. But those are the very feelings that you need to

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expose and focus on. The only way through grief is to learn to mourn in a healthy way.

There are many reasons you might choose not to mourn.

However, there are no shortcuts. We do not get over grief.

We go through grief as we do the work of mourning. A few examples of mourning are crying, using art or music to convey your feelings, writing as in journaling or storytelling, praying, and remembering special dates. We hope to work at finding a “new normal,” a life without the physical presence of the person who died. In doing the work, you can learn ways to cope and adapt to your loss and gather the determination and courage needed to survive.1,2,3,4 Having the courage to mourn is to empower yourself. Give yourself all the time you need. This is not a race. There is no finish line for grief. 5,6 Sources [1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/suicide/art-20044900 [2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201311/understanding-survivors-suicide-loss [3] https://allianceofhope.org/the-survivor-experience/aspects-of-grief/trauma/ [4] https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374 [5] https://www.taps.org/articles/24-3/grieving-vs-mourning [6] https://www.funeralbasics.org/what-is-the-difference-between-grief-and-mourning/

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I will forever grieve John David and the life he was supposed to have—along with the life I was supposed to have with him. But the days I feel completely consumed by pain are fewer than before. I talk to him often. It helps me to feel his presence. I need so much to feel him nearby.

My grief for my son isn’t temporary. This is forever. I’m not being negative or stuck in my grief. It is just a fact. I will love my child forever.

My grief will continue until the moment I see him again. My heart aches for him—to hear his voice, to hug him close to me, to be in his presence.

Patrice, mother of John David

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Grief Reactions Grief from a suicide death may overwhelm you with unfamiliar emotions and feelings. In the list below you will see what is considered “normal” grief reactions.

These are many responses sometimes shared by suicide loss survivors: • Concentration: mind wanders, memory fails, cannot finish a task or make a decision • Loss of control: the world is chaotic and unfamiliar • Anger: over the loss of a future for your person or yourself or together, feeling abandoned, blaming others for your person’s death • Guilt: believing you caused or could have prevented your person’s death • Depression/anxiety: extreme sadness, lack of energy, severe apathy

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• Relief: especially if the death followed a long battle with illness and you no longer need to worry about them • Helplessness: feeling a lack of confidence, overwhelmed, or vulnerable • Fear: of losing someone else close to you, the unknown future • Exhaustion: physically and emotionally, grief is hard work, debilitating fatigue can sap your energy • Sadness: sad, hopeless, frequent crying • Shock: disbelief this is happening • Appetite changes may eat too little or eat too much • Difficulty sleeping: mind restless, dreams, nightmares • Social withdrawal: not interested in being with others

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We will highlight some of these reactions and how to recognize if they are getting in the way of your healing.

Sadness Sadness is a common emotion that most everyone experiences after a death. “Normal” grief usually affects the griever temporarily. The majority of survivors gradually feel the characteristics of grief dispel over time. They begin to resume natural routines and activities. Some may experience complicated grief; in that, the common responses to a death do not diminish over time and may prevent a person from living their lives.

Depression is an overpowering and ongoing mental health disorder that can drastically impact daily living. Specific triggers will often cause sadness, whereas depression may have no identifiable cause. 1 If time passes and symptoms worsen or feel beyond your control, contact your doctor or a mental health professional. 2 Sources [1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007 [2] https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/situational-depression

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Shock Shock is almost universal after a suicide. Shock can feel like numbness, fog, or disbelief. Shock is a coping mechanism that protects us from the early pain of loss. It is different for everyone. Some people feel as if they are functioning on autopilot. Some feel as if they are observing what is going on from afar.1 Some are unable to perform simple everyday tasks, while others get very busy and manage by organizing everything.

The physical reaction sometimes experienced from an emotional shock can leave you with chills, sweats, headaches, or tightness in your chest. Loss can feel paralyzing. At some point in the grief process, people can feel a little unhinged. Grief can take over; sometimes there is not much left for living a “normal” or “routine” life.1 If at any time you feel overwhelmed or unsure of what you can cope with, please consult your doctor or mental health professional.

Source: [1] https://www.soslsd.org/resource/battling-guilt/#.Xh-dlMhKjD4 [2] http://www.oursideofsuicide.com/2016/03/28/forgiving-ourselves-after-a-suicide-loss/

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Guilt Guilt is one of the most complex and challenging consequences of our loss. Guilt is a completely negative emotion that touches many suicide loss survivors. Mental health professionals theorize that people will instinctively fault themselves for the death rather than admit they could not prevent it.1 Guilt: the What-ifs Each person experiences a different set of circumstances before and after their person’s death. These circumstances can affect our thoughts and emotions differently. Some suicide loss survivors are troubled by the “what-ifs.” What if I had called him? What if I had gone to her, been there for her? Could I have changed the outcome? Then some are convinced that something they did or failed to do or say, directly caused their person’s death. For the suicide loss survivor, these haunting thoughts of self-blame or responsibility, no matter how illogical, can create a sense of guilt.

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Guilt: Responsibility and Blame Some have the unrealistic belief that it was their responsibility to have control of their person’s situation.

They blame themselves for not preventing the suicide. At the time of death, a person may have been struggling with a distorted sense of reasoning and their only thought was to end their pain.2 In that moment, no matter how irrational their thoughts, the decision to take their life made perfect sense to them. Consequently, our person alone holds the ultimate responsibility for their death.1 There is no one at fault or to blame for that decision, only the person’s emotional and mental state at the time of their death.2 It can be very difficult to accept this reality as fact.

Conceding the responsibility to the person doesn’t diminish the love for them.2 Their emotions were beyond anyone’s control. There are limits to what anyone can do for another person, even someone we love.

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Guilt: Forgiveness We must allow ourselves to accept, and believe, that even though we may have had a certain amount of influence on our person, their death was not our fault. Forgiving ourselves for the real or imagined is a significant step toward releasing ourselves from the guilt. It’s a start to being able to grieve, mourn, and heal. If you are struggling with forgiveness, please consider contacting a counselor.1 It is forgiving ourselves that is often the most difficult. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that maybe there wasn’t anything more you could have done. Acknowledge that there might have been many things you did that kept them alive. Forgive yourself for not being able to save them.2 Source: [1] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trauma [2} https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm [3] https://allianceofhope.org/the-survivor-experience/aspects-of-grief/trauma/ [4] http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/understanding-suicide-and-grief/experiencing-trauma

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Be kind to yourself. It will be incredibly difficult.

You will feel many things. This is normal. I remember having a flashing thought…that I wouldn’t have to worry about John David anymore…and then suffering overwhelming guilt for having that thought. I have since learned it’s not an unusual thought for survivors.

Understand what happened is not your fault.

You may wonder what you could have done differently. I still do. For a long time, I constantly replayed the 24 hours surrounding my son’s death over and over in my head, constantly thinking up different scenarios that might have saved him. These thoughts kept me in or brought me back to that painful dark place I called, “the tunnel with no light at the end.” It didn’t change anything, and it didn’t help me to move forward.

You will probably have similar thoughts, but I implore you to just verbally, out loud say, “STOP”.

Once I was able to stop myself from going to that dark place is when I truly started to heal.

Patrice, mother of John David

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Trauma Trauma is not a normal grief reaction; however, it may be something you experience with a death by suicide. The dictionary defines trauma as “a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury.”1 Like grief, trauma looks different for everyone. No two experiences will be the same. The following can be components of trauma: • Pain: headache, tension in your neck or back, heaviness in your chest, knot in your stomach, your heart may ache • Depression: dull, low, heavyhearted blueness, tears that will not stop, disinterest in former interests • Anxiety: nervousness, restlessness, dread, a feeling of sudden panic • Worry: what to do, how to do it, the future, family, your person

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• Sadness: the loss of your person, the pain they suffered, the life you have lost, loneliness • Anger: at yourself, your person, the whole world; wanting to place blame • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): especially if you witnessed the suicide or found the body, experiencing “triggers” that bring flashbacks of that day, reliving your experience over and over without warning • Sleeplessness: your mind will not shut off and let you rest • Dreams/nightmares: about your person, that day; odd, unfamiliar things; the future; your inability to prevent the suicide or help your person Trauma can stay with you for a short time, or it can become a part of your daily life. Without warning, any of these aspects of trauma can exhibit themselves. We have learned that we should not ignore our grief. Working at

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understanding what we are feeling can help us find balance and the stamina we need to keep going and to begin to cope. If at any time you are overwhelmed or afraid of your feelings you should consult your doctor or mental health professional. Be aware that unresolved trauma can hinder your ability to heal. Trauma-focused counseling could be beneficial. 2,3,4 Source: [1] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trauma [2} https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm [3] https://allianceofhope.org/the-survivor-experience/aspects-of-grief/trauma/ [4] http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/understanding-suicide-and-grief/experiencing-trauma

I lived in a bubble. In that bubble, I had two wonderful children, a loving husband, a beautiful home, and a great job. On July 27, 2017, the day my son took his life, the bubble burst. Suddenly all the pain and suffering in this broken world came rushing in. Sadness was everywhere I looked. My ideal world was no more.

Roberta, mother of Gregory

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I have nightmares that begin differently but all end the same. I am desperately trying to scream for help, louder and louder until I wake up and realize I’m screaming out loud.

Debbie, mother of Michael

What is real anymore? You feel everything and nothing? I even considered suicide myself.

He was my only child. It’s overwhelming and devastating. Suicide leaves you in a place of complicated grief and completely traumatized.

This is not a normal goodbye.

Patrice, mother of John David

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Children and Grief If we are old enough to love, we grieve a loss. Even an infant will realize when a special person is absent from their life. Children can experience the same emotional grief responses as adults. A child may not show immediate grief so you may think they are not affected by the death. Their expression of their grief might be completely different from yours. Children have fewer skills to communicate their feelings. They may not be mature enough to work through their grief. They may express their emotions over a long period and as they develop and grow. They may be prone to “grief bursts,” grief showing up in unexpected moments.

As a person in their life, know that they need patience, understanding, and support to complete their “grief work.” 1 When an adult grieves, it seems to be ever-present, even in moments of happiness. Think of it as a dark cloud always overhead. Children come and go in their grief; they often seem fine one moment, only to become very upset the next. Their brains cannot cope with big emotions over long periods.

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Children communicate primarily through their behavior.

While adults may feel the need to talk about their feelings, children usually work out their feelings through play. Trust that your child may express any uncomfortable feelings through their play where it’s safe. Allowing children to act out the emotions they may not understand is a way they can get those feelings out of their bodies in an acceptable way.

When the death first occurs, it is normal for children to have a bit of denial that their person is gone and will not be coming back. Over time, the reality of the loss should begin to sink in, especially with older children. Here are some other things you might see in a child after a death: • Clinginess • Developmental regression • Academic struggles • Sleeping problems • Difficulty concentrating

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• Anxiety • Feelings of abandonment • Behavioral reactions • Guilt • Changes in play Children are especially vulnerable to feelings of guilt.

They may think they could have stopped the death from occurring. They may have feelings of abandonment, anger, and resentment at the deceased for leaving them.

It is important to reassure them that they are not at fault.

Tell them that they did nothing wrong; and that there is someone there to take care of them. Offer them loving reassurance and support.

Help them to understand that suicide is complicated, and you don’t have all the answers. Some details may never need to be shared or are more appropriate when they are older. Trust that you know your child best. Don’t hesitate to

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reach out to a trusted friend, family member or professional to validate your decision.

How adults can be helpful: • Create a safe, quiet space to share and actively listen • Provide clear, honest, and concrete language when sharing information that is age-appropriate • Allow children to process their grief through play and play along if invited • Keep routines as normal as possible • Include children in rituals and mourning activities • Reassure your child that they are safe and will always be cared for • Talk about the person who died • Model healthy mourning, expressing your feelings in an age-appropriate way

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For further information on how adults can help, please call Lory’s Place at 269.983.2707 and if your child is finding it difficult to adjust, look for a children’s bereavement support group, consult your child’s doctor, or mental health professional. Like adults, children need support as they grieve, mourn, and learn to cope.

Here are some warning signs that might indicate your child could benefit from professional help: • Overly imitating the deceased person • Believing they are talking to the deceased person • Extended period of depression • Symptoms that get worse with time • Continually expressing a desire to join the deceased person If your child is having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 for

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support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a person are in immediate danger, call 911.4 Reassure your child that they are safe and can come to you with concerns or questions. Consider suggesting a special activity to keep them busy, active, or involved with a familiar project. Use this time to be together, which may encourage them to share feelings.

Because you are also grieving, there may be times when you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with your child’s grief as well as your own. You may want to ask a family member, close friend, or teacher who knows your child well to be available to step in and provide support and reassurance to your child when you cannot.

Sources: [1] Appendix A. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/-/scassets/files/org/patients-visitors/information/understanding-deathgrief-mourning-resources-manual.ashx?la=en [2] https://wmich.edu/suicideprevention/loss-survivors [3] https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/practical-information-for-immediately-after-a-loss/ [4] https://www.verywellfamily.com/signs-of-grief-in-children-and-how-to-help-them-cope-4174245

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Coleman’s suicide was the first our three children under the age of 10 have experienced.

We sat down as a family and told our children that Coleman’s mind was sick and while those closest to him were doing their very best to get him the help he needed, the illness made him feel like he couldn’t wait.

The mental illness made it impossible for him to think clearly and see things the way our Coleman would. It wasn’t our joyful Coleman who decided to leave us because he didn’t love us or want to be with us. His illness tricked his mind into making him feel sad all the time and thinking he couldn’t wait for experts to help heal him.

We discussed that you can heal mental illness, but it takes time and usually means talking with expert doctors and taking medicine — there isn’t just a shot to cure it. The tricky thing is once your mind is sick it tells you that you can’t be patient long enough for loved ones to help you and that the hope, we know is there, isn’t real.

Megan, cousin of Coleman

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My husband’s brother, Chris, took his own life in June of 2018. His firstborn son was born after his death. The night before his birth our pet cat, Echo, died. We woke up the next morning, buried Echo, and then drove to Cleveland to meet our new nephew. Life and death were so sharply juxtaposed. The ritual of burying a body and laying down flowers was strangely familiar to our four children. I didn’t really want it to be.

Bethany, sister-in-law to Chris

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Excerpt: EARLY MORNING GRAVE My son plays “death” like it’s Legos, a toy or a game.

He lays down on his back eyes closed, his body straight and still.

“My heart stopped beating,” he says.

Bethany Darling

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Unexpected Grief When a person dies, you may experience grief over your loss again and again—sometimes even for years. Yes, your feelings of grief will likely intensify on special days and holidays. It can also be triggered by something as simple as a smell, a place, or a sound. Emotions can rush over you when you hear a familiar song, or you drive by a favorite restaurant or park. Even years after your loss, when confronted with reminders of your person’s death, you may feel all the emotions you felt immediately after your person died.

There are ways you can help yourself through these difficult periods. Just being aware of certain triggers or that unexpected moments of grief can occur is important. You can be prepared with a kind of “plan of action.” Think about going someplace you enjoy or journal about your feelings.

Reach out to a friend or family member to talk about what you are feeling. And above all, let yourself grieve when these unexpected painful emotions find you! It is okay to be sad when you need to, just as it is okay to reconnect with your feelings of happiness.

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My moments of unexpected grief are most often triggered by music. Michael was an extremely talented musician. Besides playing the trombone, tuba, and sousaphone in his school band, he also learned to play guitar, settling on the bass—he was good. Over the years, he played with two bands, original music, and also lots of covers.

We spent lots of years and many nights in various bars or going to festivals to hear and watch him play. We wouldn’t have missed any of it! So much of the music we hear on classic rock stations is Michael’s music. I see bands on TV and I watch the bass player—tears coming, heart aching. Michael was so happy when he was playing and, yet, so tortured. My sadness and longing for him creeps in beside me then, until I can bring myself to calmness once again and look beyond the hurt. Even though it is hard when this grief comes again, it also brings a warm glow of happiness to my tender heart.

Debbie, mother of Michael

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Secondary Loss The death of someone we care about sets in motion many losses. The following are some of the secondary losses you may, or may not, experience after the death of your person: Loss of the familiar way of relating to family and friends: We may avoid family and friends because they do not know how to respond to our situation. We may find that friends avoid us at social functions, at work, or in the hallways at school. This can add to our sadness and anger. Changes for children may mean having new people in their lives - different babysitters, more or less time with grandparents, and changes in daily routines or afterschool activities.

Loss of support systems: We may experience the loss of friends, family, community organizations, and others who can’t provide support. Regardless of our efforts, some relationships may grow stronger, while others may weaken or dissolve. At a time when we need them, we may have to develop new support systems.

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Loss of a chosen lifestyle: We may be forced to start a new life. For a spouse, that may mean being single again. For siblings, it may mean becoming an only child. For parents, it may mean the loss of future grandchildren.

Loss of financial security: The primary wage earner may be gone. For others, it may mean the loss of employment due to their grief or serious debt incurred by the deceased or as a result of the death.

Loss of the past: There will be no “remember when’” conversations because of the inability to share those memories with the deceased.

Loss of the future: The death results in the immediate ending of plans made with the deceased. This is a large piece of the grief journey for us.

Loss of dreams: We grieve not only a past and present with our person, but also future hopes, goals, and dreams. The untimely death results in a shortened life

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for the deceased but a longer remaining lifetime for us who must learn to live without their physical presence.

Loss of identity: The death of our person may mean a change in the roles we previously held. This loss of role can be in the home, in the family, at work, among friends, and in the community.

Loss of ability to make decisions: We may be forced to rely on ourselves to make choices without our person, which can lead to confusion and indecision.

Being aware of the many secondary losses that can come with a death can help you and those around you be more patient as you learn to figure out your grief journey.1,2 Sources: [1] https://www.taps.org/articles/19-1/secondaryloss [2] https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-misunderstanding/

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Watching his mother, my wife, try to continue on, was and still is, heartbreaking. Watching her and her priorities change leaves another hole in my life, as she no longer sails with me as regularly.

Prior to that, she was my partner on the boat too. We continue to go where life takes us even though it is no longer quite the same.

Patrick, stepfather of John David

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Thoughts...

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The Journey Forward Special Days And Holidays Considering holidays and special occasions, such as anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc. will occur, having a plan in place for those times is beneficial.1 Some people find it comforting to continue their established celebrations and remember their person with a ritual or memory item.

Some suggestions: • Prepare their favorite food • Display a cherished photo • Light a remembrance candle • Make a charitable donation in their name • Release a paper lantern • Leave a space at the table

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One activity to consider would be to create a special place for people to write down memories. You can choose to use a paper or wooden ornament, fill their stocking or place them in a wrapped gift box.

For others, trying something new is more comfortable.

Consider spending the day shopping, volunteering, visiting with friends, or planning a trip to a favorite place or somewhere new.

Remember that regardless of your plan, it can change.

That is totally up to you.

Source: [1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20045340

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John David died on March 24th. His birthday is April 15th. That ‘first’ birthday came up fast and I was dreading it. That morning, my sister-in-law suggested that family and friends post selfies on Facebook of themselves eating pizza in memory of John David. John David’s favorite food was pizza, and he had a goal to eat pizza in every state in the U.S. This had now become an annual tradition.

Every year at Christmas, John David’s stocking hangs on the mantel with the rest of my families’ stockings. A tradition they started the first Christmas after his death, is to put money in his stocking that I then get to donate to the charity of my choice. I love that my family continues to find ways to remember my son.

Patrice, mother of John David

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Looking Back...and Looking Forward Our person remains with us, in our hearts and our memories. We must redefine the connection we have with them. They were not perfect. They were individuals who loved and were loved, with hopes and dreams. Some of those dreams accomplished, some not. For those of us now left to mourn, the reality of their unfinished and unfulfilled lives may be the cruelest injustice to understand.

The love you gave to them, the love they gave to you, is yours to keep forever. Nothing, not even time, will ever change that. They are the wind in the treetops, twittering birds, sunshine, and storm clouds. We feel them in the pouring rain, softly falling snow, and the stars twinkling in a dark summer sky. Each season cradles our memories and keeps them from harm because these memories are the last of their kind…a constant warmth or a cool breeze that comes whenever we need it most.

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In the days that followed, I remember waking up in the morning and thinking maybe it was just a bad dream and it didn’t really happen, only for reality to set in after a few minutes. With time, it has gotten easier to remember the precious little boy that he was and the fun, quirky adult he had become. We can laugh at old pictures and reminisce about the good times we had. We’ve learned more about suicide and how someone gets to that point, but if only he had known how much we would miss him.

Tanya, aunt of John David

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Acceptance, Hope, and Healing Surviving the suicide of a person is never easy. Your life is forever changed.

Acceptance begins healing. Acceptance means the sadness, pain, and other feelings no longer consume our lives as they did in the beginning. Unfortunately, this can take some time.

Healing does not mean we forget. You will never stop loving or missing your person. With time and grief work, the intensity of emotions can diminish. You cannot change the suicide, but you can take charge of how you respond.

It is important to hope for ourselves. Even though grief has become a part of us, hope can bring us the courage to believe that we will be alright.

As time passes, hope will surface. Hope is wanting to get beyond just surviving; it can open us up to the possibility that life can be better. We may think we are being disloyal if we decide to rejoin life, but taking care of ourselves, our

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needs and desires, is not selfish. In fact, by living well we honor the person we have lost.

The lives our persons lived mattered. We matter. We can survive and thrive again. With time and healing, we can cherish our memories and celebrate their life as we continue to live ours.

My son died by suicide October 27, 2017. He was a brilliant man, a very kind and loving man. He had several traumatic experiences throughout his 49 years that eventually led him into depression, OCD, and PTSD. I miss him every day.

His death changed so many things in our family, some for the good and some not so much. It has been almost 2 years. It’s getting a little easier to get through each day. Sometimes I even get through an entire day without thinking about him. I wish things were different, but I know he is now finally out of pain and at peace. But I still continue to miss him.

Linda, Mother of Lee

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Thoughts...

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Sources In The Beginning [1] Worden, William J. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. New York: Springer Publishing Company, 1982.

Witnessing The Suicide Or Finding The Body [1] https://www.sosmadison.com/coping-after-a-suicide/witnessingor-discovering-a-suicide [2] https://chapterland.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/13/2017/11/ US_FactsFigures_Flyer.pdf [3] https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/ investigations/2018/11/28/suicide-survivors-loss-family-friendssupport/1248006002/ Viewing The Body [1] BMJ 2010;340:c2032; doi: https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.c2032 (Published 30 April 2010) The “Stigma” Of Suicide [1] https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/06/13/shame-stigmaand-suicidality/ [2] http://www.suicide.org/suicide-causes.html [3] https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2018.10.098 Questions [1] https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/ [2] https://www.today.com/specials/suicide-attempt-survivors

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[3] https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/symptoms/ depression-and-cognitive-dysfunction [4] http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/understanding.shtml [5] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takesdepression/201311/understanding-survivors-suicide- loss [6] https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/happiness-inworld/201004/the-six-reasons-people-attempt-suicide [7] https://www.teenvogue.com/story/suicide-isnt-always-related-tomental-illness Children, Death, And Funerals [1] https://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/kids-and-funerals/ The Path To Healing [1] http://www.johnjordanphd.com/pdf/pub/McMenamy,%20Jordan. pdf [2] https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/ symptoms-causes/syc-20356007 Coping: Becoming A Survivor [1] https://positivepsychology.com/resilience-skills/ [2] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-resilience-2795059 [3] https://www.nationaljewish.org/conditions/psychological-social/ coping-skills Grief And Mourning [1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/ suicide/art-20044900 [2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takesdepression/201311/understanding-survivors-suicide- loss

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[3] https://allianceofhope.org/the-survivor-experience/aspects-ofgrief/trauma/ [4] https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicatedgrief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374 [5] https://www.taps.org/articles/24-3/grieving-vs-mourning [6] https://www.funeralbasics.org/what-is-the-difference-betweengrief-and-mourning/ Sadness [1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/ symptoms-causes/syc-20356007 [2] https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/situationaldepression Shock [1] https://www.griefandsympathy.com/whatisshock.html [2] https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/cardiomyopathy/what-iscardiomyopathy-in-adults/is-broken-heart-syndrome-real Guilt [1] https://www.soslsd.org/resource/battling-guilt/#.Xh-dlMhKjD4 [2] https://www.today.com/specials/suicide-attempt-survivors Trauma [1] https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-withemotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm [2] https://allianceofhope.org/the-survivor-experience/aspects-ofgrief/trauma/ [3] http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/understanding-suicide-

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and-grief/experiencing-trauma [4] http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/understanding-suicide-andgrief/experiencing-trauma Children And Grief [1] Appendix A. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/-/scassets/files/org/ patients-visitors/information/understanding-death-grief-mourningresources-manual.ashx?la=en [2] https://wmich.edu/suicideprevention/loss-survivors [3] https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/practicalinformation-for-immediately-after-a-loss/ [4] https://www.verywellfamily.com/signs-of-grief-in-children-andhow-to-help-them-cope-4174245 Secondary Loss [1] https://www.taps.org/articles/19-1/secondaryloss [2] https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-misunderstanding/ Special Days And Holidays [1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/ grief/art-20045340

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Resources Lory’s Place Grief Healing & Education Center 445 Upton Drive St. Joseph, Michigan 269.983.2707 or 800.717.3812 lorysplace.org Lory’s Place provides regularly scheduled in person peer support group sessions that allow children and adults to interact with peers who have suffered similar death. We support those who are experiencing anticipatory grief on an individual basis.

Lory’s Place also offers peer support groups in elementary, middle, and high schools, provides community education, as well as crisis response support.

There is no fee for our services – all operational costs are covered through community donations and grants.

Call or contact us anytime to begin the process. The staff member who takes your call will ask for basic information such as your name, address, who died and when.

The Bereavement Coordinator will return your call within one day of your initial call. You will discuss if Lory’s Place is the right service for your family at this time. You will receive information about an orientation meeting or be given referrals.

Center for Loss & Life Transition centerforloss.com The Center for Loss and Life Transition is dedicated to “companioning” grieving people as they mourn significant transitions and losses that transform their lives. This center helps mourners, by

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walking with them in their unique life journeys, and both professional and lay caregivers, by serving as an educational resource and professional forum.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is the creator of the model of “companioning” versus “treating” people in grief. His website is a valuable resource for grief education, whether you are grieving or seeking help for someone significant.

TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors Call 24/7 800.959.8277 (TAPS) taps.org TAPS provide compassionate care to all those grieving the death of a military loved one along with resources and a variety of programs to survivors nationally and worldwide.

TAPS is a leader in grief support, education, and advocacy specific to suicide death.

AFSP – American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Crisis Hotline: 800.273.8255 or text TALK to 741741 afsp.org The AFSP is a voluntary health organization that gives those effected by suicide a nationwide community empowered by research, education, and advocacy to take action against this leading cause of death.

Whether you have struggled with suicide yourself or have lost a loved one, know you are not alone. Hear about personal experiences from people in your local community whose lives have been impacted by suicide.

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NACG - National Alliance for Children’s Grief childrengrieve.org The National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) is a nonprofit organization that raises awareness about the needs of children and teens who are grieving a death and provides education and resources for anyone who supports them. Through the collective voice of members and partners, they educate, advocate and raise awareness about childhood bereavement.

NAMI – National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 800.959.6264 (NAMI) Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET nami.org/help NAMI is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness. They provide advocacy, education, support, and public awareness so that all individuals and families affected by mental illness can build better lives.

MHA – Mental Health America mhanational.org Mental Health America is the nation’s leading community-based nonprofit dedicated to addressing the needs of those living with mental illness and promoting the overall mental health of all.

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Thoughts...

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STORIES: Debbie: Our son, Michael, struggled, beginning in his early teens, with severe depression and anxiety. By his twenties, he had done all the right things: doctors, diagnosis, medication, and therapy. He became a licensed EMT-Specialist, working full-time on an ambulance crew. His chosen vocation was saving lives, his passion was bass guitar. He fought so hard, but sometimes all the right things just aren’t enough.

Passing years and circumstances affected Michael’s depression and anxiety greatly. He made two separate unsuccessful suicide attempts using his prescription medications. Each time he swore it was a horrible mistake; he seemed to get better. After the second attempt, however, it was harder for him to stay out of the darkness that hovered over him. It literally makes me cry to think about what it must have been like for him. If only this had never been his life.

I found Michael in the backyard not long after he had shot himself. In that moment, he felt alone, hopeless, and desperate, seeing nothing but torment and pain if his life continued. He thought he was doing what was best for everyone. If only I had been there. It was a late October morning. I knelt beside him, watching his beautiful blue eyes…quiet and still so very sad. The autumn sun felt warm on his back as I laid my hand there. My son was 36 years old.

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I screamed but no one heard. I found the note Michael left, dialed 911, and waited for the police and ambulance. My voice trembled as I tried to keep it together. How do we tell our daughter that her brother is dead, that he shot himself? I still had not cried.

I’m very conflicted about his leaving the note. He obviously thought he needed to, but I’m not sure whether it was to explain or to blame us. He died because he felt he was a burden. I want to think he loved us, but somehow that would make the hurt so much worse. We will never know. Would it have been better without the note? Maybe, but as it’s the last thing he left for us, I will cherish it always, heartbreak notwithstanding.

That day, after the ambulance and police were gone, all was quiet; the smell of fresh coffee filled the house. It was a warm October afternoon, but I suddenly felt cold, shivering in fact and needing to hold myself tightly. Then, all at once, an awful sensation began deep in my gut that flooded my face and then plummeted back to the deepness inside me. I felt panic that tingled; it was hard to breathe. I was surrounded by fire with nowhere to turn. This was shock pumping the adrenalin through me. It would subside, then repeat for most of the day.

As the days and months turned into years, this would continue to happen again and again for no reason at all. I understand now this is a common physical reaction to the grief and devastation of losing someone you love to suicide.

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To remember and celebrate our son’s life, every year on Michael’s birthday we go to the North Pier where his ashes sailed off to Valhalla, a majestic, enormous hall in Norse mythology where those who die in combat travel to upon death. No flowers for Michael. We had to come up with something that only he would appreciate. We thought for some time then decided on mini powdered sugar donuts, one of his favorites. So, every September, we take our little powdered sugar donuts to the pier and toss them in the rolling, blue-green water and watch as they float away to Valhalla, too. With each donut, we tell Michael how much we love him, how much we miss him, and that we’re trying to understand. I wish so much that he’s happy.

My most important mainstay, outside of my husband and sisters, is the Suicide Loss Survivors support group my husband and I attend. We began just one week after Michael died and at first it took tremendous effort to be able to talk and share about our son’s suicide. After weeks of dissolving into tears, it became a natural thing to talk about. There was a need to talk. It didn’t take long to discover that the giving and receiving within a peer group is like support by osmosis. Often, we weren’t even aware of absorbing and filing away the insight and empathy of other survivors who nodded their heads knowingly. Along with the facilitators, who help guide us through our grief, everyone seemed to magically know us from the inside out, even though they were strangers. Gradually this group of diverse people have become “my people,” friends that I value deeply.

For a very long time, I would walk completely around the patch of

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grass in the backyard where I had found Michael’s body. It was difficult to be outside at all. However, over the years, we have made a place very near that spot into a small, brightly colored garden of perennial flowers, bird feeders, and a handsome birdbath that stands gallantly steadfast. This garden sustains the birds that Michael watched, photographed, and knew so much about. It gives us smiling memories but more importantly, Michael’s garden sustains us as we strive to look, not at, but beyond the place where he lay.

Mourning is remembering and grieving out loud. So, in honor and remembrance of my son, I have two small tattoos, one on the inside of each wrist. They are ancient Viking symbols; one for mother and child and the other a symbol of strength.

As I look at and touch these talismans, they bring memories and comfort. The small ink designs whisper of my broken heart, sadness, and pain but also of courage, hope, and resilience. How far I have come since that October morning in 2015.

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Patrice: John David was such a happy, fun, beautiful child. His father and I divorced when he was 18 months old. We tried as best as we could to shield him from this, and over the years we seemed to work out a good co-parenting relationship. We both remarried and our spouses were also involved in John David’s upbringing.

At the end of his freshman year of college, John David met and started dating a girl. She was a year older and upon her graduation from college, she hung out for a year, waiting for John David to graduate. After he received his degree he followed her to St. Louis, where she started grad school and he took a job with St. Louis Metro.

After three years in St. Louis, they moved to South Texas for a year before ending up in Denver, Colorado, which seemed perfect for them. They spent all their free time hiking, biking, camping snowboarding, etc. After a year of apartment living, they even bought a house together. Our family spent Christmas in Colorado that year.

Everything seemed good! Then, right after Christmas, he received a big promotion to project manager with a large salary increase.

Everything seemed to be going well…we were on cruise control or so I thought. I remember thinking at the beginning of March, how blessed I was…life was good.

A few weeks later, John David called me on a Sunday morning to tell me his girlfriend was unhappy, and they were splitting up (after nine years and buying a house together). I asked him how he was handling

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it, was he okay? He admitted he was a ‘little’ depressed. He said he had found a therapist he was going to call for an appointment. This made me feel better. We made plans to see each other the upcoming weekend (Easter). I needed to see him and talk to him in person to make sure he was okay.

We spoke again on Tuesday. All was good…he had gotten the time off from work and would be leaving at noon on Friday to spend the weekend with us. We texted on Wednesday. His text seemed off…he seemed mad, which hadn’t been the case prior to now. The next day, Thursday, at 7:52 pm I received the phone call that would totally blow up my life!. The Denver coroner informed me that John David had taken his life. He was my only child. He was 27 years old, just three weeks shy of his 28th birthday.

The coroner was very blunt, matter of fact. I remember yelling, “No!” at him over and over, and then throwing my phone across the room. I remember feeling this dull, almost nauseous numbness. I sat on the cold tile floor and started banging, or knocking, my forehead on the floor trying to feel something…and I kept repeating “NO! NO! NO!” I wanted to cry, but I just felt numb. I think I was in shock. When I did finally break down and cry, I was afraid I would never be able to stop!

We live in Michigan. The rest of my family lives in Texas and Florida.

Everyone came and all 15 of us stayed in my house. I don’t know if I would have survived that week and a half without them. Planning the funeral with all my family around kept me busy and focused. It was afterward, on the day the last of my family left town that I broke

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down and released what I had been holding in for days. I howled and screamed. Then I got in the shower and tried to wash it away. I found myself repeating this routine over the next few years…at first daily, then weekly, then monthly…

Suicide is hard. I know it was John David’s choice, but at times I still wonder if I could have done anything to change the outcome. I don’t think the ‘why’s’ or ‘what if’s’ ever truly go away. But time has taught me that going down that rabbit hole is not good for me. So now, when I feel myself slipping into that darkness…I will literally slap myself to snap out of it.

I know I am blessed to have had the experience of being a mom to John David. He came into my life on April 15, 1988. What a lifealtering event. For me, becoming a mom was an emotion like no other…it was one of the best feelings in the world. There’s just no comparison to that feeling of unconditional love for your child… without expecting anything in return, just always praying for their wellbeing and success in life.

As painful as it has been to lose John David, I’m also forever grateful for the time I had with him. I got to be his mom and experience all the emotions that come with that honor. I will forever cherish the time I had with him and the joy his life brought to mine. He was a gift, and he will live in my heart forever!”

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Gregory’s full eulogy written and given by his father, Greg: “O, Captain! My Captain! These are the opening words from one of Walt Whitman’s most iconic poems. I needed his help to express the loss of one so dear and beloved. I do not have the words to tell you about Gregory. If I had the words like Walt Whitman, there would not be the time. But I start with the few words that I have today.

Gregory was battling depression. He was being treated, and he was getting better. He wanted to get better. He was happy. He was planning a wonderful Life. However, depression, like other diseases that can end in death, came in the night and stole him.

Gregory did not do this to us. He would never have wanted to cause us pain. It was not Gregory. It was a disease. Gregory was patient and kind.

I do not have words to describe this grief and sadness. As a friend put it, it is as if I’ve fallen into an abyss of pain.

Despite the grief, sadness, pain, and other emotions we feel today, I encourage smiles, laughter, and happy memories. I am sure Gregory would want the same. Sharing your memories of Gregory will help us all move through this tragedy. Your memories are special because he was part of your life.

As a baby, before he could roll from his back, I would whisper to him as I put him to bed, and later as a young man, I would whisper to him—you will do good and great things. And he did.

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He was part of our lives. He touched all of us. I always told him and his sister, Katie Marie, that we are the sum of our experiences. We become part of the people we meet, and they become part of us.

Gregory’s good and great thing was to share in our lives and become part of us. He will always be with us. To honor his gift to us, we will live our lives to the fullest. He accomplished it—he did good and great things—by the time he was only 20 years old. Many of us are still trying. And will continue to try.

Gregory was born in San Luis Obispo, California on March 5th, 1997.

Little did I know at the time a Renaissance man was born into the 21st century.

First, I want to share a few memories about his childhood. It included a memorable second birthday with toddlers chasing farm animals all over the backyard and many other themed birthdays. It was full of Rescue Heroes and Buzz Lightyear and many, many happy memories.

He was surrounded by loving friends, initially all girls, and one special friend, Caitlin. He was such a happy lovable child. When the four of us were driving in the car, he would start singing “You Got a Friend in Me” from Toy Story. He and Katie Marie were inseparable as children and young adults. At first, he was her “Dregory,” and later her “Buddy.”

They were best friends.

I move quickly to his teenage years. He was gifted with a brilliant mind, athleticism, and good looks (and don’t I wish I had some

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of those qualities during the hard teenage years). As one of his high school teachers put it, he was the “King of Smooth.” It was a compliment about his genuine character and his confidence (and at times a little BS).

But he never thought himself better than others. He was always kind and patient to those who experienced awkwardness and self-doubt. I know he was a defender of anyone less fortunate. He was also one to abhor insincerity. We could all learn from that.

As he got older it became clear he was a Renaissance man. He loved learning for the sake of expanding his understanding of the world. As he once told one of his teachers, I am not doing this for a grade. He excelled. He had a spark, a brilliance.

He liked music. And he played the piano. Once, I tried to get him to enter the high school talent show, but he explained that he played for himself. The only others he played for were his friends and us, late at night as we lay in bed drifting off to sleep, we would hear the piano. It soothed him.

In college, he met many new friends. His world was expanding.

He was studying abroad at the London School of Economics this summer. He planned to return to WashU as a junior in the fall. And he could not wait to play golf while studying at the University of St. Andrew’s in Scotland this spring.

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As I said, Gregory was a Renaissance man. At WashU, he took many courses: literature, philosophy, business, science, linguistics, and mathematics. He had a love for learning and childhood-like innocence and playfulness many of us lose as we get older.

As I said, he was planning a Wonderful Life. But he also lived one—a Wonderful Life, in only 20 short years. We need to live one for ourselves.

I ask we all join together for a toast to Gregory. Raise your glasses…

To Gregory. And as one of his favorite childhood characters would say, “To infinity and beyond!”

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Bethany “We heard about a local support group from a friend. She encouraged us to go but it wasn’t until several months after my brother-in-law’s death that we were able (emotionally) to attend. The first weeks and months after the suicide of a loved one are so surreal – every fiber of your being resists the reality of what happened. You wake up in the morning and feel like it must be a bad dream, but as the minutes pass you realize all over again, that they’re gone. You don’t want it to be your new normal because their aliveness, their “here-ness” is still much more real, than their absence.

“I remember asking our group one week when the feeling of ‘digging your heals in’ stops, when do you start to let this new reality sink in and move towards acceptance? One woman’s response was that it will never feel “normal” because you never get to a point where you feel “ok” with what happened. Your love for the person who has died, and your strong memory of them make their essence, their aliveness, their being, very palpable, even after years have passed. “There are certain times when I still feel like my brother could walk around the corner”, she said.

The first survivor’s support group was pretty nerve-wracking for my husband and me. We didn’t want to be going to this group – we didn’t want to be a part of a group called “survivors of suicide”, yet we knew we needed help dealing with all the conflicting and intense emotions of the season following my brother-in-law’s death. The meeting started with a “sharing circle,” where we went around and anyone who

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felt comfortable, could share how their week was. When it came to our turn to share, we could barely get 2 words out before we fell apart. “I am so-and-so-, I lost so-and-so, to suicide, 4 months ago.”

We really hadn’t verbalized, until that point, what had happened – in such a clear, to-the-point way. Maybe we hadn’t even fully admitted to ourselves, what had happened. To speak it out loud felt difficult, but strangely comforting as well. Although we didn’t speak very many words that first meeting, being surrounded by a group of people who had been where we were, who understood, gave us an incredible amount of comfort, knowing we weren’t alone. Their nods, knowing expressions, verbal assurances, and tears were offered to us. Some came up to us after the meeting and spoke more personally, with a hug. It was exactly what we needed. To be in the company of others who “know” – who are speaking the language you speak, and who are sometimes putting words to things you haven’t found words for yet, is so comforting. We realized after attending Lory’s place, that what we wanted and needed most, was to find a space where people were not shocked by the words and feelings that surrounded my brother-inlaw’s suicide.

I remember being so relieved to hear the members of the group go around the circle and talk frankly about when their loved ones died, how they died, and what they missed about their loved ones.

This was always optional, and no one was forced to speak, but a place where one could verbally process and not be judged or misunderstood, was so helpful.”

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Heather “The call” came from my dad tearfully explaining that my sister was missing and had left a suicide note, her cell phone, wallet, and the passwords to all of her accounts. I felt as if the floor opened up like a trap door…whoosh! The sensation of falling on and on, like in a dream.

I was stunned, my breath had been ripped from my chest. This can’t be happening. It had been just 14 months since our Mom had passed away after fighting health issues for years; she got so very tired.

I snapped out of my daze and tried to create an action plan. Okay, what can we do? She might still be alive! The police said they were looking for her vehicle. I posted a desperate plea online. My daughter drove to places that she thought Michelle would want to visit one last time. My son went to be with my dad so he wouldn’t be alone.

By afternoon, there was still no news…just endless comments, texts, and calls asking about Michelle, what could they do, etc. I felt supported, overwhelmed, and grateful to be doing something, as I was helping others wrap their heads around that which I could not even begin to understand. In the late afternoon, I realized that my sister would want to soak in the very last sunset of her life. Michelle and her lifelong best friend used to drive to South Haven, so that was where I went. I searched for her silver car, scanning streets and parking lots, each glint of silver quickening my heart, hoping my prayers were answered. As the sun began to touch the water, I just knew that I had better take pictures, because this was it - the very last sunset that my sister would be living. She had planned everything so meticulously.

She wasn’t crying for help. Michelle was saying goodbye. I was pretty sure that she did see that sunset, but just in some random place so

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that no one would ever find her. Like Michelle wrote in her note, she can be stubborn.

As I took the trash out that night around 11 pm, I looked up at the stars, focusing on the planet Mars. I asked out loud, “Hey Sister…is it really 30 seconds to Mars?” I just knew she was gone. The emptiness I experienced at that moment is what I think a black hole must be like. Yet, at the same time, I thought, “But now she is free”. She must have been suffering so severely that she thought taking her life was the only way to break free from all the pain. At least now, she is hugging Mom, her beloved cat Mini, all the animals she ever loved, etc. When the phone rang, I already knew what Dad was going to say, “It’s the worst. She’s gone.” At about 10:45 p.m., Michelle stepped in front of a semi, dying instantly.

No one had a clue that she was hurting so much. Everyone felt so guilty for missing signs. All of her friends, coworkers, her family – she let not one person know. We felt terrible for not being there, but how do you aid someone who hides their pain? You cannot. I have clung to this difficult truth: Michelle believed that only death was the answer; that no amount of love, care, support, etc. could break her free from her suffering. I believe that Michelle just could not live with the pain any longer; she got so very tired.”

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Thoughts...

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The original writing of this booklet was by people just like you… people who are surviving the suicide death of an important person in their life. We come from all walks of life; suicide does not discriminate. Some of us are recent survivors, others had their person die years ago. Each of us has struggled in our own way with the pain and complexity of suicide loss.

We met through a suicide loss support group. Together we have shared our own experiences. The booklet doesn’t offer any easy solutions, nor is it intended to tell you how to feel or what to do. It doesn’t take away the pain, anger, or sorrow. It just shares with you some of what we have experienced and learned.

Our intentions are for you to know you are not alone. We are many who walk this path. Our stories are all different, but many of the emotions we experience along the way are similar.

The professional bereavement staff of Lory’s Place edited the original writings, provided additional information, and cited reliable sources for the reader.

About the cover: Christopher Darling was an illustrator and art professor who taught at Kent State University in Ohio. Christopher’s work often explored issues dealing with social justice. Outside of the classroom and studio, Christopher spent his time teaching illustration to incarcerated communities as well as putting together a collaborative mural project with the Oriana House - a rehab facility in Akron, Ohio.

Christopher Darling, a brilliant and vivacious human full of empathy and humor lost his battle with bipolar disorder in 2017.

To learn more about his life and work: christopherdarling.com ucda.com/christopher-darling

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