Colombia Spectator 2019

Vol. CXXXIX—No. 10

Monday, April 1, 2019

colombiaspectador.com

After 143 Years of publication, The Columbia Spectator to permanently cease operations

BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF KATHERINE GREENBERG

To our Loyal Readers, It is with the utmost regret that today we announce that after 143 years of dedicated, groundbreaking student journalism, the Colombia Daily Spectador will close its doors at the end of the 2018-2019 school year.

As the Editor in Chief of this publication, I first must thank Spec for providing me with a community and a purpose here on campus. Columbia can be a lonely place, but with Spec as a constant in my life for the past four years, I have never felt alone. In fact, I’ve barely had a moment to myself, what with Spec constantly infiltrating every waking moment of my existence. But regardless, it has been an honor to serve this publication and the thrill of a lifetime to engage daily

with a team of talented and driven editors, journalists, and all the other hardworking folks who contribute in innumerable ways to our publication. These people represent the best of Columbia, and I am lucky to count them among my friends and colleagues.

I also must thank our readers, who have continuously supported our content, tirelessly reading our news updates online and in print. I sincerely hope that our little newspaper has enhanced your time at Columbia in some small way, whether our longform pieces have tugged at your heartstrings, or our opeds have made you laugh with contempt.

Most of all, however, I feel that I owe the Columbia community an explanation for the sudden and surprising shift

of fortune Spec has undergone. I must admit, the circumstances that precipitated this unfortunate event were altogether unforeseen and calamitous. It all started last fall, when our sports staff all unexpectedly quit at the same time, leaving us completely sports-section-less.

At first, we thought that this wouldn’t really be a big deal since no one read our sports section anyway, but what we hadn’t realized was that the sports section took up valuable retail space within our print issue that we now needed to fill with something else.

Then came the op-eds.

At first, they weren’t so bad. Students talked about the need for reform of the Core Curriculum, their personal experiences with discrimination

and micro-aggressions on campus, and the lack of school spirit. But when 2019 rolled around, the op-ed section took a dramatic turn for the worse when one titled “I’m a Conservative Lesbian: Lick it up” was published. This piece elicited so much outrage that the liberal lesbians on campus wrote a counter op-ed titled, “To the Conservative Lesbian: There’s a Reason None of us Want to Date You.” After this, the op-eds spiraled: “A New Weight on My Shoulders” chronicled a student’s journey to lift weights, and “Columbia is Still an Elite Place, but not Like it Used to Be” made the case that students on financial aid should be grateful to, nay even thanking, full-tuition-paying students for subsidizing their education. These op-eds were

becoming so ridiculous that they were being mistaken for fake op-eds by Columbia’s second-rate satirical newspaper, The Federalist.

But still, we thought that we could come back from this.

That was when we found out that there was a double agent in our midst – a spy who had been giving our information over to our competitor, Bwog.

For months, this person, who will remain unnamed, had been feeding Bwog our sources, leads, and slowly siphoning off our best writers, which is why I am the one writing this article today. This same person was behind the sports staff catastrophe and they had also been waging a campaign among the student body, convincing students to purposefully write the worst op-eds known to mankind. This

person has been intimately involved with every mistake that we had made this past year.

Worst of all, as a result of this, Bwog was gaining traction as a legitimate news source. They were breaking stories before we even heard of them, like that we were closing. We were in the midst of a complete coup, and we didn’t even know it.

And I’m sorry to say it, but Bwog has won. We are closing down, and they remain the only source of news on campus, especially because as I’ve said before, The Federalist is a total joke. Welcome to the era of Bwog. Print journalism has been defeated once again. All hail Satan.

With nothing but regret, Katherine Greenberg Editor in Chief

President Barnard College To Open Admissions To Bollinger Students of All Gender Identities Comes Out As 1/16th Native American them at birth.”

This comes only four short years after the College’s decision to open admission to transgender women. Beginning in Fall 2015, Barnard considered applications from all students who “consistently live and identify as women”.

However, the strict language of this qualification meant that non-binary and gender non-conforming students were ineligible for admission.

Now, these groups will no longer be excluded. Furthermore, the decision to include all gender identities means that the College will open admissions to a segment of the population that has been increasingly

BY MIMI EVANS

Minority Correspondent

BY NIKHIL MEHTA AND MATT NOLA LENAPE PLAQUE, ENTRACE TO JOHN JAY HALL — This past Monday, President Bollinger made headlines as the first Native American President in the University’s history.

In a special email to the student body, Bollinger, echoing Elizabeth Warren, proudly stated, “I am very pleased to announce my Lenape heritage to Columbia and to the world; I always knew that I had a connection to Columbia, and now my heritage confirms it. This is my life and I am very proud of it.”

While genetic testing has yet to confirm the president’s alleged ancestry, his great, great, great-grandfather, who reached the country on the Mayflower, was known to have spoken to a Native American at least once.

Fed Sources reached out to a Lenape organization in New Jersey with questions about President Bollinger’s claimed heritage. A representative from the organization stated, “Look, I don’t know who the fuck this guy is, but he doesn’t represent any of the Lenape people. Just look at his fucking blonde toupee.”

In order to commemorate his special lineage, President Bollinger took it upon himself to SEE NATIVE AMERICAN, PAGE 2

Barnard College announced on Monday its plans to begin accepting students of all gender identities into its degree programs, beginning Fall 2020.

In an email to the College, Bar nard’s President Sian Beilock wrote, “In furtherance of our mission, tradition and values, and in recognition of our changing world and evolving understanding of gender identity, Barnard will consider for admission all qualified applicants, regardless of the gender assigned to

marginalized in the past few years: cisgender men.

Many current Barnard students expressed their support for the decision. Kayla Creek, BC ’21, told Spectador, “‘When people think of a women’s college, the first word that comes to mind is inclusivity. As our understanding of what ‘inclusivity’ means changes, so will the makeup of our student body.”

Beilock also expressed hope that opening admissions to a wider segment of the population will help the College differentiate itself from similar institutions. “We’re making history. As of today, Barnard is the first women’s

college in the nation to accept men into its ranks. Can Wellsley say the same?”

But not everyone’s response to the announcement has been enthusiastic. Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.” When Spectador pointed out that Wofford had already spent a semester in co-ed classes at Columbia, he replied, “Right, but that’s totally different. All the men in my LitHum class are Columbia students, all the women go to Barnard, and the non-bina-

Meal Swipes to be Allowed at Starbucks, Shake Shack

BY JONATHAN MCCLEMENT for

once.

Just because I email you all all the time doesn’t mean you can do the same,” Scott said in a statement. “Shake Shack is now here to solve all of your problems. Now

happened to be engorging herself on a double SmokeShack. “Now JJs won’t be the only place that serves somewhat edible food.”

Seniors, however, did not share the same enthusiasm

bugger off.”

Students had a lot to say about the new program.

“I’m over the moon,” says freshman Julie Barns, who

as their undergraduate counterparts. “Why do we always get shortchanged?” asked Richard Bryer, a Columbia senior in his 5th

year. “First we have mold in our dorms and now Columbia wants to share the wealth as soon as we leave?

Ridiculous.”

The graduating class may have a right to be angry: when asked how Columbia Dining received funding for this new program, the department stated that cuts to Housing and General Studies has allowed for Columbia Dining to receive some of the money that would have gone to those departments.

“We may have to live on the streets,” says James Hughes, a junior who planned on living in EC next term, “but I’ll take the streets if it means I can go to Shake Shake for breakfast, lunch,

Hungry hungry hippo

JOHN JAY –– In response to students’ complaints about their dining halls, Columbia Dining has made a deal with Starbucks and Shake Shack to allow students to use meal swipes to purchase meals at those locations.

Columbia, notorious for having less than adequate food despite earning the top spot on the Daily Meal’s college dining hall rankings, has been seeking new ways to attract the mouths of the 1 percent.

Under the terms of the deal, dubbed Swipes for Meals, Columbia students can receive a meal valued at $9.95 per swipe.

The deal was the brainchild of Scott Helfrich, the Associate Director of Residential Life.

“I am tired of getting emails all the time of ‘Scott do this’ or ‘’Scott do that’; hopefully my inbox will now be empty

NEWS, PAGE 3

POLITICS, PAGE 4

EVENTS

FOOD, PAGE 5

BETO 2020

Trump and Kim to Meet At Columbia?

Bacchanal 2016: John Lennon to Make Guest Appearance?

Best food in Manhattan

Finally a Columbia Rower you can be proud of.

Gone with the Greeks?

University bans all Greek life after slew of sexual assault allegations.

Two more power-hungry egomaniacs on campus? Will anyone even notice?

The legend returns? See page 2 for more.

Trying to become the ultimate New York foodie? Check out The Sophisticates’ Guide to Eating Oatmeal at Columbia.

ry people are ... part of GS, I think?”

But Barnard appears to be firm in its resolution. Beilock concluded her email to the College by informing students and faculty of everything they stand to gain from this decision.

“A wider pool means that we’re going to find even more qualified applicants. It will also allow us to be even more selective in our admissions process. Once we hit a singledigit acceptance rate, we will understand what it means to be truly inclusive.”

and dinner.”

The Fed was going to get a GS student to comment on GS defunding, but could not find one literate enough to comment.

Students were not the only ones with diverse opinions on the new deal.

“I cannot believe students would actually want this,” says Chef Mike, head chef of JJ’s place. “I can make some mean burgers and quesadillas, why students would ever choose Shake Shack over Boba Pancakes I will never understand.

Were my bobble heads not enough?” We forced to end our interview as Chef Mike broke into deep sobs.

The new deal is set to be put into effect next fall, with hopes of expanding Swipes for Meals to others locations near campus by the end of 2020. However, they should give the students what they really want: Swipes for Alcohol. Columbia, step it up. International is just down the street.

@ColombiaSpec @CUspecdrum @CUSpecSports @theeyemag facebook.com/ colombiaspectador

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APRIL 1, 2019

OP-ED: It’s Time to Bring John Lennon to Bacchanal

BY ALEX HORN Tone Deaf As yet another Bacchanal concert approaches, students are eager to learn which washed-up rapper or unknown ‘rising star’ will entertain us this year.

Burt after the sheer mediocrity of last year’s performances — the most interesting part of Ty Dolla $ign’s performance was arguing over how to spell his name — I believe Columbia students need a little more this time around.

We deserve someone special — nay, someone legendary. Let me be the one to say what we’ve all been thinking: it’s time to bring John Lennon to Bacchanal.

We have been content to imagine it for far too long: it is time to let it be.

Past Bacchanal performers include such luminaries as Wiz Khalifa, Macklemore, and even Snoop Dogg himself.

But somehow John Lennon — English singer-songwriter, cofounder of the Beatles, and one half of the most celebrated songwriting partnership of all time, Lennon-McCartney — remains unrecognized by the Columbia community. The shame and embarrassment of such a snub rests at our own feet, not Mr. Lennon’s.

Lennon’s artistic credentials are undeniable. Esteemed music historians Schinder and Schwartz credit him with revolutionizing “the sound, style, and attitude of popular music” and with “expanding rock’s stylistic frontiers.” Numerous monuments, from Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport and John Lennon Peace Monument, to Strawberry Fields

in our very own Central Park, are dedicated in his honor. And his dozens of albums, ranging from his work with the Beatles to his solo projects, continue to sell like hotcakes to this day, despite Mr. Lennon not releasing a new song for quite some time.

Yet the one prize that we, the student body of Columbia, are capable of giving him — a spot at Bacchanal — has been turned away. I have but one question: why? Why has a man like this — talented, intelligent, politically passionate — every bit the encapsulation of the Columbia ideal, been turned away at the gates like a common Harlem vagrant?

Is it, perhaps, simply that the students do not want to see Mr. Lennon perform?

It doesn’t seem like it: extrapolating from data collected via various Tinder profiles, I count upwards of 100,000 Beatles fans in Columbia College alone, nearly 45% of whom can name a Beatles album when pressed. John Lennon’s signature round glasses can be found imitated on dozens of faces around campus, from that Barnard sophomore attempting to distract attention away from her braces to that one TA who is definitely trying to fuck you: clearly, Mr. Lennon’s music has wide appeal. And I challenge you to find one freshman floor that doesn’t have at least one douchebag playing his dad’s vinyl copy of Abbey Road.

Is it, then, dissatisfaction with Mr. Lennon’s politics, perhaps fear on the administration’s part of another Antifa

protest? Sure, Mr. Lennon’s suggestion in “Imagine” to abolish all religions might strike some as Islamophobic in the current political climate, and his assertion that “Woman is the nigger of the world,” while coming from a properly feminist place, clearly crossed a line. But such criticism ignores not only the many positive messages that Mr. Lennon has given the world, but also the fact that his views have kept pace with the times.

After careful analysis, I have concluded that John Lennon has not said anything the least bit objectionable since December of 1980. Surely thirty-seven years is enough penance for a few unsavory remarks.

I am left to conclude that the cause is simple jealousy at Mr. Lennon’s huge success and various accolades, jealousy that stinks of pettiness and sour grapes.

President Bollinger, John Lennon has literally dozens of platinum records. Do you have even one? I thought not.

In oncluding, I beg each and every Columbia student to petition both the Bacchanal committee and the school administration to bring John Lennon onto our campus for Bacchanal 2019. While such an issue may not seem pressing, you never know when the opportunity could slip away — no one lives forever, after all.

Graphic by Natalie Arenzon

Prezbo: 1/16th Native American FROM NATIVE AMERICAN , page 1 hold a forgiveness ceremony on behalf of all Lenape people both alive and deceased.

The President cemented his own legacy for the university forgiving all problems related to gentrification, saying, “I recently discovered Columbia’s glorious plaque

in the weeds by John Jay Hall commemorating my people who once inhabited this land.

This, in tandem with my newfound pedigree, compelled me to do what was morally and ethically commendable: hold a ceremony to forgive Columbia University and all other residents of New York

for any and all gentrification and wrong-doing that has occurred on the Lenape’s land.”

In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all land previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, person-

Graphic by Jaysen Zhang

ally. I will, of course, donate my newfound property, including the entirety of New Jersey, Manhattan, Eastern Pennsylvania, and half on Long Island, to better serve Columbia University. The Lenape people are very proud that their land is serving such a noble purpose.”

A Truly Terrifying Diagnosis: Are You Politically Active?

BY ANNIE IEZZI On Loan from the Weed Feminists

While some consider Columbia University the liberal bastion of the Ivy League, and others think of it more as a scholarly Antarctica – a library full of snowflakes – every student faces the same question at some point in their four years. Like pediatricians (that they are too old to schedule appointments with) awkwardly question students about STDs, Columbians probe for political perversions in their classmates with the question: “Are you Politically Active?”

Now, the question isn’t always popped in the direct manner of a nurse impatiently standing at her wheely computer, because the New York elite like to out-politic those who don’t even know they’re talking politics. Sometimes, this query comes in the form of a pointed glance at a Pro-Israel coffee mug or that girl’s loud assertion that Cynthia Nixon has RUINED “Sex and the City” for everyone who isn’t a Tumblrina. Students name drop campaigns they have interned on like Prezbo brainstorming neighborhoods to take over, hoping for a positive response. All of these sly tactics serve as litmus tests to determine if peers will be hitting the polls, or the slopes, as another field of presidential candidates gears up to battle in 2020. And once they pass the first social sandpit about if they will be voting, more important is how they will be voting.

Some may ask why students go to such confusing lengths to pin the donkey-tail or elephant-trunk on their peers, but many take these covert cues as reason to refuse to fraternize with either one camp or the other. These students take their political track records as seriously as their own medical records, erroneously equating support of Alexandria Ocasio-

Cortez to the clap of politics: if it’s not stamped out quickly enough, the democratic-socialism will spread. Alternatively, to be diagnosed as a cold-hearted alt. righter can decimate any player’s sex life as quickly as incurable herpes. Although calling all of your ex partners once you’ve found out that the itching wasn’t just razor burn is humiliating, whether students are recruiting or protesting speakers, they, too, make countless phone calls. This time though, they proudly reach out to every Tinder date they can remember and divulge their diagnosis, all the while urging their partners to take action.

Amidst the confusing accusations, hastily googled quick facts, and prescriptions both requested and unsolicited, one question remains: Why does political difference foreshadow the same destruction of relationships as magically appearing syphilis? Pockets of echo chambers have formed across campus like the sound of contrary opinions is a case of crabs that not even the Chastity Gates can protect against.

However, this self-imposed separation is not as effective at controlling political turmoil as a quarantine for the infected. Instead, it foments political animosity that lies dormant until breaking out in a blistering rash of hatred at the next protest.

So, this semester, maybe instead of prodding that suspicious blister that you sprouted overnight and showing it to all of your friends for a diagnosis- go to the free clinic. Click around more sites than just WebMD, read up on your diagnosis (or don’t) and then hop on Tinder to swipe right- or left- on whoever strikes your fancy.

APRIL 1, 2019

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Spectator Breaks Shocking News: Freshman is Adjusting to College Experience

BY ANONYMOUS Easily Impressed

Columbia to Confirm National Socialist Party as New Campus Club

BY PAYTON GELLER Constant Vigilance

LERNER –– Immediately following Columbia College Student Council’s (CCSC) controversial vote on the Boycott Divest Sanction (BDS) referendum, a new student organization known as the “Columbia National Socialist Party” (CNSP) passed with a sweeping majority of 35-2.

The Fed caught up with the founder of this new student organization, Heinrich “Henry” H. Campbell CC ‘20 as he guzzled his victory

Kölsch, “You know, I’ve been trying to start this club for the past two years, and every time it got shot down. But I thought about all of the wonderful events that have been happening around campus recently, especially the ‘Buddhist’ artwork spray-painted down at the Teacher’s College, and it just really got me thinking.”

“It really boiled down to this,” Joey Goebbels-Smith SEAS ‘19 interjected as he bit into his bratwurst, “We needed to appeal to the liberals, so I told Henry, ‘if we change

back the name to include “Socialist Party,” those soyboys won’t be able to resist!’”

Prior to publication, the Fed can confirm that campus socialists have responded enthusiastically, and there is already a listserv 88 members strong. All new membership dues will be waived because it’s not “all about the Benjamins,” however, blond, blue-eyed students will be given preference.

Meanwhile, the sole two members of CCSC who voted against the organization, coincidentally the only Jewish

members, looked around in shock as the new club heads saluted each other in victory.

“I’m so confused! Does anyone even know that the National Socialist Party stands for the Nazi party!?” cried Gregory Levine CC’ 22.

Following the meeting, the founding CNSP members joined the BDS protestors chanting outside of Lerner. Their cries of Sieg Heil and “you will not replace us!” blended beautifully with “From the river to the sea Palestine will be free.”

COLLEGE WALK— The Columbia Daily Spectator just caused quite a stir around campus with its newest article “Fitting in at Columbia.” This incendiary piece reveals the unique experience of an incoming freshman integrating into the college community.

The article follows Jonas Nicolson, CC ‘22, a regular decision admittee from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, as he finds his place in an unfamiliar setting. “I’m the only person from my school who got accepted into Columbia,” he says. “When I first got here, I didn’t know any one.”

While most undergraduates who get accepted to Columbia University already know most of the incoming class and are already accepted into various student organizations, the Spectator reminds us that there are freshmen who, come NSOP, have never had the college experience and are surrounded by complete strangers.

“Eventually, I talked to people and joined a small literary magazine,” Nicolson continues. “I’m proud of finding my place in our college community. When I see other people hanging out with their circle of friends, I’m not jealous at all. I had to work to build my connections, so my friends mean a lot to me. Nothing worthwhile in life comes easy.”

Although Spectator has been known for churning out clickbait articles, their recent change in focus toward shining a light on student experiences shows a maturation in their journalistic approach. The Spectator has been brave enough to reveal that being a woman or a student of color is hard, students who cannot afford Canada Goose hate that you can, and their newest column “Love, Actualized” exposes that some people have difficulty finding compatible partners. These refreshing progressive perspectives firmly establish that the Spectator is the muckraker our college needs, shedding light on those in the dark.

BETO 2020: Finally, a Columbia Rower You Can Be Proud Of

BY JULIA SCHREDER Fuckboi EL PASO, TEXAS –– Beto O’Rourke, CC ’95, has announced his formal intention to run for President of the United States. The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as the only living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a sentient and functioning member of society.

Beto has rolled out a bold and visionary platform for an imaginative future that emphasizes healing a divided nation and restoring the name of the rowing team to its former glory. In his announcement speech, he took pains to make the goals of his campaign crystal clear, saying: “Together we can return common decency to our politics. To that end, I promise that I will not pee on anyone–Barnard student or otherwise!” This statement was met with enthusiastic cheers

from Beto’s adoring crowd of teenage supporters and their mothers.

It may seem like a longshot candidacy, but Beto has always been one to subvert the expectations of those around him. Although former peers describe the student-athlete as “nondescript,” “just another white guy at Columbia,” and “your typical athlete– you know what that means,” Beto was far more than just a rower during his time at Columbia.

The former US Congressman was also a member of a punk rock band, sporting what can only be described as a limp and greasy horse’s tail in the form of a ponytail as his hairdo of choice. This, is what Beto’s sophomore roommate, Mitchell Johnson, CC ’95, attributes to the fact that Beto did not get laid even once during his four years at Columbia.

Johnson further commented, “Yeah, really no one ever expected him to amount to much–I figured he would probably sell out and be do-

ing coke on Wall Street in five years like everyone else on the rowing team. But I guess he showed us!”

He certainly did. During the campaign, Beto is expected to embrace the man of the people image that he cultivated during his US Senate run in 2018. But inside sources tell us that Beto has also been brushing up on his Homer and Plato so that he can solicit a contribution from the Columbia trustees and that he will be desperately trying to avoid contact with the current Columbia Men’s Rowing Team all the while. It’s a tricky game to play, but if anyone can do it, it’s the man who managed to restrain himself from calling Ted Cruz a blobfish during a nine-month campaign.

Good luck Beto, and if you do win, be sure to come and visit our campus every once in a while. It sure would be nice to have a living presidential alum who did that.

Graphic by Natalie Arenzon

BREAKING: University to Ban All Greek Life In Light of Sexual Assault Allegations

BY SAM MILLNER D-Sig Columbia University officials met last week to discuss a series of recent sexual assault incidents surrounding the fraternity and sorority communities on campus. These reports have been compiled in tandem with Columbia University Public Safety over the past 10 months, since a CAVA incident at a Phi Delta Gamma (Fiji) East Campus (EC) yielded multiple accusations of sexual misconduct,

though no charges have been filed. The ensuing public relations flurry catalyzed a new, interdepartmental effort from Columbia’s administration to “just get to the bottom of the damn issue,” said University President Lee C. Bollinger (Prezbo).

“It keeps happening again and again, and at some point, we have got to hold ourselves accountable and say, ‘Hey, where are we going wrong?

What mistake are we not acknowledging?”

The University president went on to insist that his administration was committed to “real change” and that their inquiry would “cover the full scope of the issue.”

So far, committee talks have included shuttering sororities as well as fraternities, putting Prezbo at complete odds with the very institution of Greek Life at Columbia.

Assault survivors, activists, and advocates have received these statements warmly, saying that it is time that the

University took a stand and took accountability for the issue. Prominent community activist Emma Braunstein — who has been carrying around the inflatable kiddy pool she was allegedly assaulted in — said that campus groups feel like they are starting to have a partner in Bollinger’s initiative.

“I mean, he kind of looks like Drumpf, but it’s really cool that he wants to ban sororities. I hate all those skinny bitches, and their boy-

friends are all totally pigs. It’s just, like, ugh.”

At press time, Prezbo, along with Columbia Dean James Valentini (Deantini) were seen getting into Prezbo’s Audi on college walk, promising to make radical change on campus. “I think you’re going to find that, this time, we really are commited to making a change,” Deantini assured the handful of activists livestreaming him. “We did our homework and now we’ve definitely found the

root of the issue: a patriotic devotion to the enlightenment principles of brotherhood and self-perfection.”

“Oh, and we’re definitely also going to ban that Korean lady who’s always playing Christian folk music next to my car on college walk. Get a damn job!” Prezbo added before being driven away for dinner at his favorite Italian restaurant.

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CAMPUS NEWS

APRIL 1, 2019

Letter from the Feditors The 5779th year of publication.

Independent since dinosaurs.

CORPORATE BOARD ANI WILCENSKI Coke Fiend BEN MOST Coca-Cola Fiend JULIA SCHREDER Accidental Stoner LUIS VERA Curbside Fluffer MIMI EVANS Grim Reaper MANAGING BOARD ALEX HORN I put this shit together NATALIE ARENZON Actually The Best GUSTIE OWENS Also Pretty Good JEREMY ADKINS Serial Luge Arsonist W. REED SIMMONS Honorary Something JOEY BAER Next President of CCSC

Dear beloved readers, This has been a whirlwind news cycle, from Barnard opening its doors to students of all genders to the closing of the Spectator.

But even in times such as these, it’s important to remember the values that we have stood for since our humble beginnings: integrity, grit, and a dedication to finding the truth in whatever form it may take.

AMELIA FAY Composter

Never forget the ideas we have represented for nearly two centuries. Whenever you’ve wanted a hot take nobody asked for, you’ve found it in our op-ed section. Whenever you needed to catch up on Columbia’s most recent football loss, our sports section has described it in full detail.

Whenever you’ve sought a well-written article on exciting Columbia-related news -- well, you’ve never looked for that, and we’ve never had it, but you can’t win them all.

As long as you continue to seek the truth, we’ll never stop trying to deliver it to you, in whatever capacity we can. We just can’t promise it won’t get a little distorted along the way.

We’ll miss you, readers.

See you next April.

Ben and Ani Editors-in-Chief, Colombia Daily Spectador

ANNIE IEZZIE Intentional Stoner SAM MILLNER Space Pirate THE JEW ROOM AMELIA ANTONE Srat Star ELIZABETH BAILEY Randy Savage Fan Club President WILLIAM BROMLEY Mr. Monopoly AMELIA FAY Danica Patrick’s Sister GARRISON GROGAN Communist UMA HALSTED Tarantino’s Muse NICOLE KOHUT Personal Stylist JONATHAN MCCLEMENT Hair and Makeup NIKHIL MEHTA Orientalist MAI MORSY 1st round Draft Pick from 2009 MATT NOLA Cookie Baker JORDAN PANZIER First Crush JESSE BRAUN My Actual Psychiatrist MALIA SIMON Sloth Who Stole My Purse JAYSEN ZHANG The First Zhang RACHEL ZHANG The Second Zhang

Columbia University to Host Third Kim-Trump Summit

BY KEVIN PETERSEN Big James Franco Fan

LOW MEMORIAL LIBRARY—In a surprising announcement made this morning, President Bollinger revealed that Columbia University will host the upcoming summit between Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump. This summit—the third in a series—is expected to finally bring to an end the tense nuclear negotiations that have taken place over the past year.

Though the summit in Vietnam ended poorly with Trump walking out empty handed, President Bollinger is feeling confident about an upcoming success. “I have high hopes,” he said, while standing eerily in front of a memorial to Columbia’s World War II veterans, “that this summit will finally bring peace in our time. If not, the worst that can happen is a thermonuclear exchange between a rogue, incompetent, egoistic, illegitimate dictator, and Kim Jung Un.”

While Vietnam was chosen for the site of the second summit as a symbol of what North Korea could become should it adopt a capitalist economy, New York City will show North Korea what could happen should capitalism be taken too far. Already a fan of ailing states, Chairman Kim will be taken around to see Trump’s many failed real estate projects, the polluted Hud-

KATE DELLA PIETRA Secretly Steve Irwin ALUMNI BOARD DONALD TRUMP President NEIL GORSUCH Co-Founder THAT GUY FROM CARMAN 411 Nice Guy, Moved to Florida GRITTY Grooming Consultant MR. TOM’S RESTAURANT Caterer JULIAN VON ABELE Inventor of the modern world SIMON BOLIVAR Publisher WYATT OVERSON Splattering Consultant © 2019 The Fed. Submissions, comments, and the occasional pressing concern are welcome at chief@ the-fed.org, where they will not be pulped. The Fed accepts unsolicited submissions and sexual favors. We reserve the right to edit both for clarity and length. The views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of Columbia University. Just the opinions of the more awesome people from Columbia University.

Seeking

- Blonde Barnard sophomore seeking more noticeable leg hair to fit in. Brown hair dye or vaginal wigs, please apply.

Columbia senior seeking loveable couch to snuggle with. Must have open schedule, very demanding. Big, but not too big.

- Columbia admissions seeking donations from big Hollywood Actors.

And we really need a better rowing team.

son River, and the glaring economic inequality clearly evident throughout the city.

I love New York,” Trump said in a White House press conference this morning when asked about the announcement, “And I think Kimmy is gonna love it too. The buildings are

huge, the atmosphere is just really, really great.

Kim is really gonna love it, I’m telling you.”

In an effort to make Kim feel welcomed, he will be staying in an upscale hotel amidst a series of shanty-town tenements in the temporarily renamed “North Korea Town” neighborhood. China Town nearby will also be renamed “The People’s Republic of China Town” so as to make the Chairman feel more at home.

Chairman Kim, who prefers travel-

ing in trains whenever possible, is expected to commute up to Columbia using the 1 Line. The dilapidated condition of the train, along with its inability to run on time, will make Kim feel like he never left North Korea in the first place.

“All I have heard is the great things about America. Time to really see the really shitty parts,” Kim said when asked about the upcoming trip.

This summit will also bring together some other important world leaders.

“Vlad and Mo will be there,” Trump said referencing President Putin of Russia and King Salman of Saudi Arabia, “it’s gonna be great, it’s gonna be like a pre-election party all over again. Only this time, I am already President.”

The first event in the summit will be a basketball game between the Knicks and the North Korean national basketball team. “I’m gonna rig this game like the 2022 elections,” Kim told us with a chilling smile, “they have no choice but to win.”

On a side note, H-Mart—who won the catering contract—is reportedly stocking up on supplies so as to prepare to feed the two gargantuan world leaders, both of whom are wellknown for their appetites.

SPECTADOR CLASSIFIEDS - Department of Latin American and Iberian Cultures seeks non-alcoholic Spanish professor.

- Adderall.

Studies

- Victims of the Yemeni War: we just wanna know what’s happening. What’s it like over there?

- What’s the difference between ADD and ADHD? Seeking focused person to explain it to us.

- Is there a ghost in my room or is my roommate just lightly blowing on my toes while I sleep?

Public Service Announcements - Try the pumpkin muffin in ButCaf. - Bagged water.

Peet’s is now selling. #SlapTheBag - The bouncer at 1020 was spotted in the Milstein 4th floor stacks, looking for books. If anyone knows what exactly he was looking for — ­ I’M SO CURIOUS.

Jobs/ Hiring

Items for Sale

- General Studies, Dean of College.

- One stuffed Waluigi plushie, professionally taxidermied. Free to a good home.

- Compost consumer at Hewitt. Studies have shown that human feces is the most practical biodegradable. Kosher and halal options available.

- Friends for security guards. Phil just really needs someone to talk to. It’s been a rough few months.

- Barnard junior seeking cozy boyfriend in perfect condition. Comfy YET firm.

- My dignity. Price negotiable. Inquiries to be delivered in Pig Latin, after dark.

APRIL 1, 2019

CAMPUS NEWS

PAGE 5

Parent On Columbia Tour Experiences Brain Hemorrhaging After Tour Guide Describes Things as “Free”

BY AMELIA FAY Real Person suddenly collapsed in Erica was then MOUNT SINAI ST. front of Butler.” rushed to urgent care LUKE’S—Yesterday, When asked about at Mount Sinai, where while on a campus tour, the incident, tour guide doctors identified her high school parent Erica Gillian Rodriguez said, various symptoms— Patterson suffered a “I’m honestly not sure loss of consciousness, ruptured brain aneuwhat happened. I was nausea, and blurred rysm. vision—as the “I was just explaining how Erica and her tell-tale signs daughter, Maya, generous Columbia is with of a ruptured who is a senior in aneurysm. high school, were the free food and free t-shirts Dr. Mark excited to spend they give us, and next thing I Brown told the day in the city Federalist reand see Colum- know this lady is on the floor”porters, “The bia’s campus. “The of - Gillian Rodriguez, CC ‘21 rupturing tour was going Ms. Pattergreat,” Maya told son’s aneuFederalist reporters, just explaining how rysm has resulted in a “we loved the school generous Columbia is hemorrhagic stroke. We and were enjoying ourwith free food and free believe the episode was selves. So, you can imag- t-shirts they give us, and triggered by a massive ine it was a pretty big next thing I know this spike in blood pressure, shock when my mom lady is on the floor.” which we would nor-

The Sophisticates’ Guide to Eating Oatmeal at Columbia

BY GUSTIE OWENS Sunny-Side Up

mally blame on a rise in Maya plans to apply earanxiety. Clearly, though, ly decision to Columbia. that is not the answer “Gillian totally sold me here, because multiple on it,” she said, “From sources confirm that the free picnic blanErica was merely listen- kets to the free water ing to a “Will I have to take out tens Columbia of thousands of dollars in stutour dent loands to make it here? guide outline Definitely. But I can’t wait for the all the free shit I’ll get.” many free - Erica Patterson, Prospective perks CC Student that come with the university’s bottles to the free hot $56,000 tuition. How chocolate in the dorms, could that possibly be I know this is definitely stressful in any way?” the place for me. Will I Despite the chaos have to take out tens of of yesterday’s events, thousands of dollars in

student loans to make it here? Definitely. But I can’t wait for all the free shit I’ll get.”

As of press time, Erica is in recovery at Mount Sinai St. Luke’s, where she is enjoying the hospital’s free pudding and free jello, despite occasionally shrieking that they are not in fact free but merely ‘included’.

Maya has not yet shared her college plans with her mother, for fear it might “send her back to the ICU if she knew how much my free perks are going to cost her.”

Barnard Mascot Changed From Dancing Bear to Single, Black Pube

BY CHLOE GOTTLIEB Unkempt

1. Ferris -- Fruity notes with a mystic embrace. Put it in a to-go coffee cup and pull up to CPS, oatmeal in hand -- nothing reads “please take my mental health problems seriously” like to-go Ferris oatmeal. To make sure they squeeze you in for a follow up appointment real quick, try adding golden raisins.

2. Hewitt -- Oakey overtones, slight metallic sting at the end. This is the place to go if you want to feel like you’re eating oatmeal at a bar mitzvah; which I didn’t even know I wanted to do, until I walked into Hewitt. If you’ve already eaten oatmeal at a bar mitzvah, I don’t think it’s worth the schlep.

3. John Jay -- “Hot cereal.” This is fake oatmeal.

Sometimes, instead of oatmeal, they serve hot, boiled quinoa stew. This is literally the cum of someone who ate Ferris. I don’t recommend, unless you’re into that - which is fine.

4. Diana -- OH, OK. I see you can CLIMB up stairs for your oatmeal! It tastes like the oatmeal that people who always smell like soup would want to eat. For our female fans of oatmeal, proceed to eat your banana whole in this safe space free of male horniness.

5. A Nature Valley Bar -- at its core, a nature valley oats and honey bar is oatmeal. Ask any philosophy bro if ice is water -- he will say yes. And then stump them with a good ole, “so if ice is water, is a nature valley granola bar oatmeal?” Then he’s going to make that his senior thesis, you can sue him because it is YOUR intellectual property, and then you’ll be able to afford all of the off-campus oatmeal in the world.

6. In your dorm -- If you eat oatmeal with a fork, please just keep it within the confines of your room, you troglodyte. Just quarantine yourself, put caution tape on the door. Or at least send up a flare if you ever dare eat oatmeal in broad daylight like a savage.

7. Find a friend -- Oatmeal was a sport made for two. Nothing says, “I’d follow you over a cliff” like diving into the same bowl of simmering hot oats.

Graphic by Jaysen Zhang “It just seemed like, at this point in Barnard’s history, we were finally ready for a mascot we could all believe in,” BC junior Julia Bennett said on how the college is changing mascots.

Up until now, Millie the Dancing Bear has been Barnard’s most celebrated icon. All of that changed, however, when the liberal arts school decided to switch their mascot to a single, black pubic hair.

The reviews, so far, have

been mixed.

Certain people feel the lone strand isn’t dimensional enough, and are petitioning for the mascot to be several pubic hairs. Others are hoping for a more anthropomorphized image.

“Maybe if we add some googly eyes and an animated smile? I don’t know, I just want to make sure it has a personality, like Millie did,” one friend said to another in Diana.

A few students ar-

gued over the logistics and cost of changing all bear merchandise, a change set to occur within the next few weeks. Overall, though, the reception has been warm.

“In the last twenty, maybe even thirty years, bears have lost their general panache. With an ever evolving environment such as ours, it was time to update what embodies us,” Kelly Thompson (BC ‘21) explained. “The hair epitomizes the diverse,

complex, and exquisite experiences that make up a Barnard education.

The elegance and power is left imprinted on us in its subtlety and gracefulness. But most of all, it unifies.”

While the new mascot may not please everyone, at least Barnard students now have a mascot that they can all relate to. As Thompson put it: “It reminds us we’re not so different-- the universality it represents. It’s bold. It’s beautiful. It’s Barnard.”

PAGE 6

CAMPUS LIFE

Auto-Correct Error Causes CCSC to Accidentally Divest from the New York Islanders

composed in Google In a statement released ter Benjamin NetanyaDocs, contained an shortly after the vote, hu, or former Islanders auto-correct error re- the pro-BDS group Stu- Captain John Tavares, recently signed to the Toronto Maple Leafs, remains unclear.

Islanders General Manager Lou Lamoriello released a statement through his press office, stating “The New York Islanders are committed to the peace process in Palestine and are working hard with our regional partners to ensure a open dialogue that works for the betArtist’s rendering of Israeli-Islander flag. By Jesse Braun. terment of future for our placing “Israel” with dents for Justice pales- children.”

“Islanders”. As a result, tine said, “We must fight As of press time, the Islanders — who against injustice wher- CCSC had released a won four consecutive ever we find it. This ter- statement apologizing Stanley Cup’s between rible organization must for the mistake, but af1980 and 1983 — have be held responsible for firming that, “Since both been officially implicat- their crimes, even if the renegade nation and ed by CCSC for alleged their old leader is on the Long Island-based complicity in Palestin- the way out.” Whether hockey team have mostian human rights viola- the group was referring ly Jewish fans, the point tions. to Israeli Prime Minis- still stands.”

BY ALEX HORN AND JOEY BAER Let’s Go Flyers!

Jed Satow Room - In what is being called a clerical error, the Columbia College Student Council (CCSC) has voted 26 to 12 to divest from the New York Islanders of the National Hockey League. The 39-22-7 Islanders were apparently mistaken for the sovereign state of Israel: while the Islanders hockey franchise is not in fact the Jewish Middle Eastern state in question, they unfortunately they do share with Israel the first two letters of their name, leading to mass confusion.

The mistake apparently came just prior to the vote, when the CCSC President read a statement explaining the proposed BDS referendum: the statement,

Gossip Girl Reboot Begins Filming at Columbia University

BY JORDAN PANZIER Gentile

COLLEGE WALK — After reports announced that Gossip Girl would be coming back to the CW, Columbia students were excited at the prospect of spotting the actors that actually spurred their application to this esteemed college. So rejoice Gossip Girl fans because you may actually see Nate Archibald, the man who sparked your obsession with lacrosse players, in the upcoming months.

A flyer on 116th and Broadway outside of

Columbia’s gates, stated they will begin filming during finals week, starting May 10th. Producers are banking on filming during finals week to curb the necessity for crowd control.

According to IMDb, the pilot episode is titled “When Henry Met Nate Jr.” and will follow the original groups children as they begin college at Columbia.

As the pilot’s title may suggest this reboot is making headlines for its main characters burgeoning gay romance. While it may seem that this is a ploy for viewership, screenwriter Josh Schwartz

told E! News “actually, my son’s best friend is gay so we felt obligated to tell a story like his.”

Although the timeline seems a little off, the CW announced that they are in desperate need of an easy moneymaker and are banking on older Gen-Z’ers to bring the network into its previous shine.

While Blake Lively and Penn Badgley are much to busy to be returning to the show, stars Leighton Meester, Ed Westwick, and Chace Crawford will reprise their roles as parents to Henry Bass and Nate Jr. Superfan Claire Pullenberg CC ‘21 told the

Spectador, “the only time I’ve ever been this excited was when Dan [one of the main characters in the original show] wrote a book about the other characters and used my name for Blair.” She continued, “I’m literally not going to study or go to any of my finals, I am sitting outside of that gate for the entire week.”

Ultimately, even though CU students are still bitter about Yale being the filming location for the original Gossip Girl’s Columbia, they cannot wait to use study breaks to harass the celebrity cast.

APRIL 1, 2019

Guy Spends Extra 30 Seconds at Urinal, Proving Some Kind of Point

SIPA—He was there when you walked in to the fourth floor restroom. You heard him peeing as you walked to the urinal at the other side of the room. Every drop he made could be heard echoing throughout the vast, empty restroom. You pulled out your instrument and joined him, an impromptu duet.

Halfway through your song, you heard him finish. And he stayed.

When you were finished a few seconds later, he was still there, standing, looking down. You shook yourself to make sure nothing remained. Maybe he was doing the same. Maybe he’s been standing there so long because his penis is massive. Maybe he’s been wringing out every last drop because there was just so much to work through. Like pushing out the last bit of toothpaste from a long tube, perhaps he was working incrementally, diligently, from the base to the tip.

That must be it. He’s huge.

You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots. You stand at the urinal a bit longer, pretending to milk yourself like a cow locked in a pen.

But you can’t bring yourself to it. This isn’t you. You’re not... big. You’re dry.

There’s nothing left in you because, well, there wasn’t much there to begin with.

He won. You wash your hands in shame as he still stands at the urinal, running his hands across the entire length of his member. You exit the restroom, defeated by the big-penis man.

Columbia Awards Netanyahu FIFA World Cup

BY MAI MORSY Failed Out of Gulati

BY JAYSEN ZHANG

APRIL 1, 2019

AROUND COLUMBIA

PAGE 7

PAGE 8

SPORTS

APRIL 1, 2016

College Admissions Scandal Continues: It’s Not Just Students Who Can Pretend To Do Crew

BY JESSE BRAUN Exceptional School Spirit

Public Service Announcement The FED Horoscopes

BY GUSTIE OWENS Snake-Oil Saleswomyn

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good news: Josh from Tinder super liked you Bad news: Josh is in Fiji Tip: book your red-eye to Fiji now.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Good News: You slayed on that last midterm! Yes, you’re killing it.

Bad News: You’re addicted to meth. It’s killing you.

Tip: Go to Columbia Counseling. They did wonders for me.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) Good News: You’re from the midwest.

Bad News: Your horoscope spelled the word your wrong.

Tip: Peel the banana from the bottom -- it’s how monkeys do it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good News: Annie Hall is back on Netflix.

Bad News: You got really sucked into reading Woody Allen’s court case from 1994.

Tip: He’s guilty.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good News: 1020 isn’t carding!

Bad News: It’s 5 pm on a Monday. There are 2 separate watercolor clubs meeting inside the bar.

Tip: Hey, we haven’t talked since NSOP. How’s your year been? I miss you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good News: The lady at the Ferris omelette bar FINALLY got your order right.

Bad News: It’s 2093, you’re working at the omelette bar. All of your loved ones are dead and New York is underwater.

Tip: Be a vegan you fucking murderer.

theFEDERALIST

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good News: Pennsatucky Phil saw his shadow.

Bad News: He’s a liar.

Tip: Grow out your leg hair, you bad Barnard betch.

It keeps you warm.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good News: You met your future spouse.

Bad News: Their family does the Thanksgiving 5k Turkey Trot.

Tip: you’re gay.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good News: You finally got to talk to that cute guy Erik.

Bad News: It was when he was CAVA-ing you to St. Luke’s.

Tip: If he spells his name with a k, avoid him. Thank god he saw you boot all over yourself. Go find a nice Eric.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good News: CCSC is not holding a referendum to discuss BDS. Bad News: CCSC is not holding a referendum to discuss BDS. Tip: “I totally see the value of both sides. I really just don’t think I know enough about the issue to make an informed judgement.”

Libra (September 23 - October 22) Good News: you cut your bangs.

Bad News: you posted nudes to your insta story. not the cute ones though.

Tip: post on your instagram story that mercury is in retrograde. It excuses all of your behavior.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 23) Good News: Milstein 4th floor.

Bad News: Butler 209.

Tip: The enemy of your enemy is your friend.