Mike Goldberg CC ’20 remains in critical condition following a nearfatal Wikipedia bender last Friday, according to reports released by the hospital.
Goldberg reportedly opened Wikipedia to look up the name of the red Teletubby before a series of stray clicks sent the Columbia College freshman reeling into a 10-hour long binge. Goldberg was discovered by his roommate in unresponsive condition with nearly 200 tabs open on the website.
“I knew something was wrong when I saw the page for the 1918 Massachusetts Aggies football team up on his laptop,” said Goldberg’s roommate. “That’s not the kind of tab you just look up recreationally. That’s the kind of tab you fall into after a full day of clicking around... god-knows-where.”
Goldberg was carted away by CAVA in critical condition, mumbling about the connections between Little Big Horn and the taxonomy of whales.
CAVA officials later commented that Goldberg was showing the telltale signs of a Wiki OD. “His index finger had a distinctive twitch, a clear sign of chronic hyperlink abuse,” commented one first responder.
When asked to tell CAVA officials his name and birthday, Goldberg was only able to respond by incessantly
SEE WIKIPEDIA, page 2
BY the Feditorial board
HAMILTON HALL—In
a recent school-wide email, Columbia College Dean James Valentini announced that beginning next fall, Columbia College students will have the option to enroll in an alternative Eastern Core Curriculum.
For many years, Columbia students have lamented the influence of “dead, white men” in the Core classes. Dean Valentini, in his email, sought to address these concerns, writing that “Columbia is a world-class institution devoted to providing a broad, globalized educational experience. Many students have expressed concerns that we, as an institution, are not living up to these expectations. Thus, over the past two years, the Columbia
College administration, in conjunction with the Office of the Core Curriculum and the Office of University Life, has been exploring new opportunities for student engagement with nonWestern traditions. Now, our students will now have the opportunity to engage with the artistic, musical, and literary masterpieces created by a variety of deceased brown men.”
The new program will begin with a counterpart to Masterpieces of Western Literature, the freshman class surveying the Western literary canon. Masterpieces of Eastern Literature will focus on literary works created by figures from colonized, imperialized, disenfranchised, marginalized, trivialized, tokenized, globalized, and—perhaps worst of all—capitalized societies. Traditionally, the first work read by Literature Humanities students is Homer’s Iliad, an epic poem recalling the final days of the Trojan War. Eastern Literature students will instead begin with a Chinese translation of the work, translated back into English. The chair of the Literature Humanities program, Julie Crawford, is proud of the decision: “The administration has been tirelessly working to cave to these teenagers’ demands. I’d like to extend a thank you to all of the faculty who were forced to slap this syllabus together without pay.”
Crawford insists that the program will be a crucial influence in many students’ intellectual
SEE EASTERN CORE, page 2
Admissions Foibles: Columbia College Accidentally Accepts Conservative Applicant to Class of 2021
BY ISAIAH BENNETT Closeted Centrist
In what could only be described as “one colossal fuck-up,” the Columbia College Admissions Office accidentally admitted a conservative student to the Class of 2021.
Officials explained that when they released early application decisions on December 15th and mailed a letter to Ms. Alicia Hempstead’s home in Whiteborough, CT, they had assumed that she, like the vast
majority of Columbia College applicants, was a liberal. When the truth came out in Ms. Hempstead’s post on the “Columbia Class of 2021” Facebook page – in which she affirmed her support for gay marriage and reproductive rights but expressed skepticism about liberal economic policies – quick action was taken to eliminate the possibility of her contaminating the student body.
“We simply hadn’t expected that someone from this sort
of background would have even considered applying to Columbia College,” explained Dean of Undergraduate Admissions, Jessica Marinaccio. “It’s typically expected that those of a more conservative persuasion will look towards some one-room schoolhouse on the prairie, like Dartmouth.”
At Columbia, we pride ourselves on the diverse perspectives of our student body, and believe such variety is crucial in order to foster challenging –
but, of course, not too challenging – debates,” Marinaccio said. “Each year, we work hard to admit a few different shades of blue to our metaphorical pool, but it seems this time a drop of red has muddied our waters. Needless to say, Ms. Hempstead’s acceptance has been rescinded; but we look forward to seeing her application to the School of General Studies with the rest of the right-wing crowd.” Students expressed relief at
the Admissions Office’s haste in correcting their grave mistake “It would just be unfair to force someone to be her roommate,” said Kate Minskoff, CC ‘20. “I mean, this is Morningside Heights -- who wants some Lilly-Pulitzer-assbitch on their campus?” At press time, sources confirmed that Hampstead probably dates guys names Chad, or Keith or something gross like that.
Student Who Read Every Lit Hum Book Gets a Pat on the Back
BY JUSTIN CHENG Spectador Contribootor
PROFESSOR JAMESON’S
OFFICE HOURS -- Recently, one noble scholar was awarded the highest form of recognition for his academic labors.
Overheard bragging to his friends that he had finished every single Lit Hum book, including “that boring part of the Aeneid where nothing happens” and “that lame section of the Iliad where they just list
off a bunch of ships,” Ronald Withers CC ‘20, received an affirming pat on the back from his Lit Hum Professor, Dr. Frederick Jameson.
“It was as though I had been lighted on by the grace of Jove himself,” Withers reported, misquoting a passage from King Lear. “Dr. Jameson pressed his hand on my back with such grace and firmness; it was as though he was conveying not only his approval,
but also the approval of generations upon generations of dead white men”.
According to Jameson, the pat lasted approximately fifteen seconds, a duration he carefully selected because it was both “short enough to avoid awkwardness, but long enough to convey the gravity and loftiness of Withers’ accomplishment”.
“That was not just a pat. It was a firm, yet gentle, yet restrained, hopeful, yet
humbling, affirmation of the shining academic example Columbia stands for,” Jameson insisted. “I pray that my other students will follow Ronald’s example and one day fulfill the classes’ minimum requirement themselves.”
Ronald’s classmate, Katy Sik CC ‘20, was awed by his groundbreaking achievement. “We’re all so impressed by Ronald’s dedication,” she said in wonder. “He is the truest
model of scholarship I have ever encountered. I can only hope to one day understand my area of study in the same cursory way that Ronald’s fulfillment of basic Lit Hum expectations has helped him understand the entirety of Western Literature.”
BY MAX ROSENBERG Human Bagel
SOME FINANCE CLUB
MEETING, HAMILTON –
When he was growing up in Greenwich, Brad Danforth CC ’19 always expected that he would be a banker. “My parents and all their friends were either in finance or consult-
ing. I never realized that you could be interested in both -- it seemed unnatural.”
Danforth’s experimentation at Columbia, however, has made him question his career path.
“I first started getting in touch with my feelings when a Bain intern pulled me aside at an EC party and asked if I’d like to do a coffee chat,” he said. “And things really started to change
as I met more consultants on campus and realized that their lifestyle might be what I’ve been looking for all along. I always just assumed I would work at Morgan Stanley, but recently I’ve been dreaming about McKinsey.”
“I guess that’s just what happens when you move to the big city,” Danforth continued. “You open up to whole new ways of
being wealthy and boring you never even knew existed.”
Though Danforth worries that his parents will not be accepting of his career choices, he thinks it is time he shares his confusion over his preprofessional desires. “I’m going to bring a case study home with me over spring break,” he explained. “Maybe if they get to know it, and see how much
I love it, they’ll understand. I think at the end of the day, they just want me to be happy, no matter what high-paying job I pretend to love.” As of press time, Danforth was seen swiping through potential coworkers’ LinkedIn profiles.
Returning from St. Patrick’s Day Celebrations, Students Still Unsure Whether It’s Okay to Make Fun of The Irish
BY ISAIAH BENNETT
Baked Alaska
IRISH PUB, PRETTY MUCH
ANYWHERE - Across campus, as students unhook their stomach pumps and recover from the drunken debauchery of St. Patrick’s Day weekend, the most egalitarian minds of the campus party community are struggling with an important question concerning ethnic respect in our delicate political climate.
“It’s an incredibly nuanced moral problem,” said Jen Gankel CC’17. “On one hand, political correctness is as trendy as it will ever be, but on the other hand, how could I blow off a half semester’s worth of regret without ‘Kiss me I’m Irish’ thongs and shamrock pasties? If I need to choose between cultural sensitivity and blacking out in an “I Put the Double D’s in St. Paddy’s Day” crop top, pour me a shot.”
Some students are worried about the long history of discrimination against the historically marginalized Irish community. In response, the Barnard Columbia Solidarity Network created a safe space for Irish-identifying or Irishpassing students, but are worried
about maintaining its sanctity after it was infiltrated by a guy with “a bunch of Irish friends, I swear,” a girl who studied abroad in Dublin, and some ginger.
Others, however, worry about the ramifications of such a debate.
“If I have to stop making fun of the Irish today, what happens tomorrow?” explained a frustrated Jason Carlgen GS ’19. “An America where I can’t make fun of Slavs wearing tracksuits isn’t an America I want to live in.”
There’s also mounting concern about the appropriation of Irish culture. According to devoted campus activist Siobhan O’Connor SEAS ‘20, students will be boycotting “plastic shamrock necklaces, green headbands with springs, and those plain green shirts from Walmart you buy when you realize with panic that St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow. Also, the kilts—oh shit, is that Scottish?”
Despite the general furor of debate across Morningside Heights, the campus bro community seemed to be in near unanimous support of respect for Irish traditions so long it wouldn’t prevent them from “gettin’ their dicks sucked.”
BY NATALIE ARENZON
After Wikipedia Bender, Student Still in Critical Condition
FROM WIKIPEDIA, page 1
repeating, “this article is a stub.” Goldberg apparently grew violent after arriving at St. Luke’s, grabbing one nurse by the collar and loudly shouting, “The fundraiser would be over in an HOUR if everyone reading this gave $3! THAT’S THE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE!”
Student advocacy groups hope Goldberg’s experience will serve to warn of the dangers of Wiki abuse on campus. “It could happen to anybody,” said student mental health advocate Teresa Hernandez, SEAS ‘18. “You set out thinking you’ll check one quick fact, and before you know it, you’re asking yourself, ‘Hmm, what is brutalism really?’”
The news comes as only the latest in a string of Wiki-based overdoses on Columbia’s campus.
“Kids need to understand the risks involved when they start to Wiki,” said CU Public Safety officer Phil Lawcroft. “There’s a way to enjoy it responsibly. Hell, I might even check out an article or two before bed some nights. But before you know it, one article turns into a hundred. You start at a list of U.S. presidents and end up knowing the entirety of Norse mythology.” Lawcroft warned that kids are getting started with Wikipedia earlier and earlier nowadays.
“I’ve even seen some fiveyear-olds looking stuff up on that site,” said Lawcroft, shaking his head.“One day your 4th grader’s innocently looking up her state
flower, and the next she’s got 100 tabs open on gun rights in Indiana and she’s unconscious with a juice box spilled all over her shirt. I pray for these kids.”
Still, some frequent users claim they are safe from the addictive nature of wiki sites.
“I just click the links for fun, man,” Wikipedia enthusiast Jim Danson CC ’19 said. “I can stop whenever I want. I know my limits, and if I skip a few meals to keep reading about the 1972 Democratic Convention, that’s my choice.”
At press time Goldberg’s UWriting essay remains unwritten.
Bollinger Announces New “Transfer to Brown” Mental Health Initiative
PROVIDENCE -- In response to criticism of Columbia’s handling of mental health crises on campus, President Bollinger has announced a new mental health initiative the administration has dubbed “Transfer to Brown.” “Mental health is a top priority here at Columbia, and we want to do everything in our power to ensure that students here are happy,” said Bollinger, “but we realize how hard it is to facilitate a positive campus environment. For that reason, we feel that our saddest students should just go somewhere else, namely Rhode Island.”
Hailing the initiative as a “major step in the right direction,” Bollinger explained that the plan’s simplicity is the key to its success. CPS counselors will start by creating Common App accounts for despondent students, and will then encourage them to fill it out by reminding them that college is actually fun at other schools.
While some critics worry that some students who haven’t visited that school might be intimidated by the “Why Brown?” writing supplement, Bollinger stressed that the Brown admissions committee expects only a
moderate degree of literacy, and that applications will be reviewed on a pass/fail basis.
Participating students will be provided with an Amtrak ticket to Providence and as much medication as they need to spend a half hour in Penn Station. Upon arrival, program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95.
“We really want to get out in front of this one,” said Bollinger. “Nothing is more important to us than the health of our students, so we will use any means necessary to get rid of the unhealthy ones.”
Carman Security Guard Disappointed
BY JUSTIN CHENG Turncoat
CARMAN HALL -- Looking up hopefully like one of those Youtube videos of dogs excited to see their enlisted owners for the first time in three years, local CPS officer Paul Roberts was reportedly
crushed when you didn’t even ask him how his day was. Instead of showing a basic level of human interest in his life, you responded to his question, “How are you doing tonight, miss?” by handing him your card and shifting around impatiently while poor Paul took as long as possible to run your
card over the sensor. Foolishly, Paul spent the entire interaction hoping that you would eventually answer his question and maybe even respond with an incredibly thoughtful “And how are you doing tonight?”
Maybe if you had asked him, you would have learned that Paul is actually a classically-
Columbia College to Introduce Eastern Core
FROM EASTERN CORE, page 1
development. “It’s important to understand the foundations of our culture, but it’s more important to understand the foundations of the culture that is about to dominate ours.”
While some students and faculty have raised accessibility concerns over the University’s plan to charge a participation fee for the Eastern Core, the Crawford insists that such worries will be allayed by an equivalent new fee for the Western Core.
The announcement was met with an uncomfortable silence across campus, as students were temporarily left without anything to complain about. “I don’t think I can stand this school anymore,” said Deborah Klarman CC ‘19, who is looking into transferring to Yale. “I just feel sort of empty without crippling anti-institutional hysteria to occupy my time.”
While there is a clear lack of women represented in the Eastern syllabus, students have mostly shrugged it off with a comment or two about cultural relativism. Some critics, like Cam Ronaverelle CC ‘19, have other concerns: “If Eastern Philosophy is so great, wouldn’t the Center for Core Curriculum have already added it to the syllabi? Together, the CC and LitHum syllabi contain every book worth reading. Granted, I haven’t read any female authors in CC yet, but that probably just means no woman wrote anything of value until the 20th century.”
Others are concerned that the new program is simply less practical than the traditional Core. “Studying Eastern philosophy just doesn’t even seem like a good use of my time,” argued Ann Wilensky CC ‘20. “If I’m going to spend an hour skimming an ancient philosophical treatise, I at least expect to be at least a little more pretentious afterwards.”
In creating the Eastern Literature syllabus, the Office of the Core Curriculum reached out to a variety of cultural groups on campus, asking what non-Western texts they would like to see included in the class.
According to Crawford, “over three students” offered thoughtful propositions. Of the five potential texts suggested, two were Art of War and The Art of War and one was the Qur’an. When the student who suggested the Qur’an was reminded that it is already featured in Contemporary Civilizations, he suggested The Art of War.
While Office of the Core then sent representatives to randomly poll students on College Walk about suggestions for the curriculum, it received suggestions of little value, including, “Uh, Mao?”, “I don’t know, Buddha or something?”, and “Does Russia count?”
In order to prevent the new Eastern Core from being
“For our entire lives we’ve read European giants—Michel de Montaigne, William Shakespeare, Ayn Rand. And we all turned out fine,” continued Ronaverelle. “Why risk making vulnerable young minds become like those weird white guys with an Asian fetish majoring in East Asian Languages and Cultures?”
overwhelmed with student interest, the administration has decided to leave City of God in the syllabus. While participants will not be required to take University Writing, they will have to study East Asian script to gain enough insight into complex linguistic systems to find out what their tattoos actually mean. Other classes will include a Global Core requirement featuring a wide variety of seminars devoted to the study of Western cultures, and a Frontiers of Science class with more challenging math. Students will also be required to take the swim test twice a year, just because. Though the announcement has provoked sharp responses from all sides, not all students feel strongly about the issue. “I don’t need convoluted books to gain a global perspective,” said Karen Lin-Goldstein CC ‘19. “In the event that I want to get out-of-this-world understanding, I’ll just head down to Laughing Lotus Yoga Center in Williamsburg. My instructor, Susan, has really helped me balance my chi. Namaste.” As of press time, student activists were still upset that the new curriculum underrepresents cultural contributions from the Southern Hemisphere. To assuage these concerns, the Office of the Core has discussed adding classes that represent all cardinal directions.
You Didn’t Stop to Talk With Him
trained clarinetist with a special love for the 18th Century Baroque. Or that he’s going through a rough patch with his wife right now, but he still loves her no matter how much she may complain about his sexual impotence. But no, instead you just took your card back, muttered a “thank
you” and zoomed past Paul with the same expression that you reserve for a particularly junky exhibit in a modern art museum. Reports indicate that while Paul spent his entire shift asking students how they were doing tonight, not a single one stopped to talk to him.
However, skulking towards the subway station on his way home, he admitted that your cold shoulder hurt the worst, as he had thought better of you.
Visionary Freshman Just Going
Off Your Point There
BY BEN MOST Visionary Freshman
HAMILTON -- Mark Harrington CC ’20 stunned his Lit Hum class last week by elevating his peers’ discussion points time and time again with his brilliant perspectives.
“From the moment I heard him say, ‘Going off of that…’ for the third time, I realized the full extent of Mark’s untapped literary brilliance,” Harrington’s professor said. “Sometimes he would directly repeat the other students’ lan -
guage two or three times without even changing a word just to really drive the point home. That’s what we in the literary world call emphasis. Needless to say, somebody’s getting an A in participation.”
Harrington’s peers were stunned by his relentless additions to the class’s titillating conversation on Dante’s Inferno.
“When Jasmine, a woman, commented on how Inferno mirrors the politics of 14th century Florence, I was skepti -
cal,” one classmate said. “But when Mark expanded on that point by repeating it in a slightly different tone of voice, well, then the discussion started getting interesting.”
“Mark always had my back,” another student said. “I would start saying something, but it wouldn’t come out quite as I planned. Then, just as it looked like someone else was going to take the floor, Mark jumped in and repeated what I said, then threw in another sentence connecting it to real-
Data Journalism Corner
world events. What a hero.”
Harrington said he aims to elevate the class discussion as a whole with his contributions to the conversation.
“That’s what conversations are really about,” he said.
“Listening to one another, expanding on each other’s points, and repeating what the quiet girl said, only in a more assertive tone.
BY EMMETT WERBEL
Melania Trump to Solve Childhood Obesity with Cyber-Bullying Initiative
BY MICHELLE DANDENEAU Still Recovering
WHITE HOUSE NORTHInspired by Michelle Obama’s campaign to stop childhood obesity, America’s new First Lady, Melania Trump, has chosen to utilize cyberbullying as a platform to continue Mrs. Obama’s work.
Mrs. Trump will begin her campaign this month, visiting schools across the country to encourage kids to “Get on the web and start harassing!”
Mrs. Trump has made a declaration to go after any child weighing in at anything more than 93.4 pounds. “I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
She claims that she herself was a victim of bullying as a child, and this important engagement with her peers led her to become the bulimic that gave her the figure
Smug Piece of Shit Seen Leaving the Gym
BY BRIDGET SCANLON
Sweaty, But No One Knows Why
DODGE - Last Wednesday Chris -
tine Crowthers CC ‘19 was seen leaving Doge Fitness center around 8:35 A.M.. “I saw Christine leaving the fitness center, holding a 17oz. Swell water bottle,” said Pete Jameson, CC ‘19. “I was a bit perplexed at first because it looked like the bottle was wooden, but as the female passed me I deduced that it was actually just an illusion produced by a plastic imitation of wood.”
Water bottle in hand, Crowthers was reportedly seen sweating profusely and smiling, presumably caused by the excretion of endorphins, a common biological occurrence after partaking in exercise.
According to authorities, Crowthers timed her exit of the gym perfectly with the early rush of students harmlessly making their way to 8:40 classes across campus. There were multiple complaints filed by students that morning who felt harassed, or emotionally endangered, by
the young woman, who was reportedly lightly jogging past Low even after departing from Dodge. In these tumultuous times it is imperative to create safe spaces for students across campus. The distressing actions of the smug pieces of athletic shit such as Crowthers mustn’t go ignored. Stephanie Reed SEAS ‘18 opened up about her experience: “The last thing I want to see on my way to class on any given morning is some girl’s nasty ass and blotchy face after leaving the gym. It is a threat to those of us, including myself who value sedentariness and the increase of diagnoses of diabetes nationwide.”
If you or anyone you know is struggling with urges to go to the gym in the morning we recommend you call the 1-800-HELPME hotline to help you consider your actions’ effects on others. And if you do decide to be a little bitch and hit the gym, we strongly suggest you consider going at night, when you can be cloaked by darkness.
BY NICOLE JAVORSKY
BY ERIC WHEATLEY
Big Cashew Guy
SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHEAST OF CAMPUS -- I’ll admit it - we SEAS students have a crummy rep on campus. Everyone else just thinks we’re the sad, weird people who are better at math and worse at social interaction. But the haters have it all wrong. Doing extra problem sets and being trapped in Mudd are not all of who I am - deep down, I’m really just a guy who wants to fuck a robot.
Ever since I began exploring my sexuality to an unboxing video of the iPhone 4, I’ve dreamed of fucking a robot. At first, I was satisfied by the gentle fingering of my keyboard or the dirty chats I would have with Siri at night. But over time, my sexual thirst grew and my naive innocence faded. I can’t even count the
number of times my roommate has walked in on me pleasuring myself with my Star Wars collectible droid models or masturbating through my tears as I rewatch The Iron Giant.
I’ve spent so much time choking the chicken at the local Best Buy they’ve begun stocking my favorite shelf with the unwanted Windows phones. And I’m still not allowed at the local Cinemark after what happened on the release night of WALL-E.
When I was 16 years old, my dad caught me humping a toaster in the garage, and all he could say was,
“Not again.” When I was 17, I had to go to the hospital after an unfortunate incident with my flatscreen TV, and when I got out, I fucked that TV again, just to finish what I’d started.
I’m still going strong after getting arrested for public nudity when I seduced a parking meter, and if you
want to hang out alone with the laundry machines for a bit, I know the perfect hours (Tuesdays, 3 to 5 in the morning).
Now, I’m pursuing my ultimate ambition, the dream I’ve had ever since that fateful iPhone 4 unboxing video: building the perfect soulmate, an emotionless heap of metal with no sensation, no free will, and no ability to protest to my advances. Finally, I will be able to experience the sensation I’ve so far only been able to shabbily imitate with an Oculus Rift and six inches of metal piping: a genuine sexual connection with a robot designed just for my pleasure. Robots may not be alive, but they can look past my New Balance shoes, unsettling gaze, and heavy breathing and see me for who I really am: just a normal guy who wants to fuck a robot.
BY ERIKA SHERR Gentrifier
LOW LIBRARY – In a recent statement regarding the university’s expansion into Manhattanville, President Bollinger had two words to say: “You’re welcome.” When asked to elaborate on this statement, Bollinger became impatient.
“Look, complain about gentrification all you want, but the fact remains the same: the neighborhood’s an eyesore,” Bollinger said. “Jesus, let’s at least toss a few Starbucks in there. Like it says on our website, this campus will pro-
vide innovative spaces for teaching and the shared human experiences of a city defined by openness and diversity, as long as you’re able to afford our $70k/ year price tag.”
Tired of the Manhattanville controversy, Bollinger is reportedly planning the next campus expansion on pre-gentrified space in East Harlem. Still, he is unapologetic about the Manhattanville campus’ impact on the surrounding area: “Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”
Sad: This English Major Landed an Internship Before You
BY MAX ROSENBERG Jew
DOWNERVILLE – According to reports, English major and certifiably unemployable strain on society Noah Fremont CC ’19 has secured a summer internship at a “startup collaborative media company” – before you even got a second round interview at that Pittsburgh boutique consulting firm. The sophomore, whose marketable qualities include delighting in Shakespearean drama and
quoting Jane Austen, is ecstatic to be making enough this summer to sublet floorspace in the Bronx and eat an occasional meal.
Many students are unnerved by Fremont’s success. “I have skills,” said Joanna Goldfarb SEAS ‘19, crying quietly into her organic chemistry textbook as she watched Fremont flip through a piece of literary criticism about the Freudian significance of an umbrella. (“I now know that umbrellas are sort of phallic,” Fremont later said. “That’s exactly the sort of information that will undoubtedly serve me well when I need to write the
perfect tweets for my employer.”) Fremont’s success is yet another reminder that you should be “networking,” whatever that actually is. “It’s all about connections,” he revealed. “And making those is hard work. I mean, I elbowed, stiff-armed, and food-poisoned other job candidates at all sorts of pre-professional events until I was close enough to impress potential interviewers to with astute questions like: ‘What do you like about your job?’ And it still took me 75 applications to land this sweet gig.”
While you are still getting heart palpitations every time you remember your
last rejection email, Fremont is feeling confident and is excited to start work. “If I do well enough, they might hire me back,” he said. “And then after that, I’ll have something to put in the skills section of my resume next to ‘Interpreting Iambic Tetrameter’ and ‘Microsoft Office.’ And who knows what might come next? A full-time internship, maybe?” As of press time, Fremont’s parents were beaming with pride that he would be earning almost half of minimum wage this summer.
Deantini Seen Eye-Fucking the Shit out of a Pigeon
BY BEN GREENSPAN
Has Pictures of Pigeons on His Laptop
LOW STEPS - While merrily skipping after seeing some chemicals go “boom-boom” in Havemeyer, Dean James Valentini was stopped in his tracks today by a particularly attractive pigeon on Low
Steps. Wiping his half-moon spectacles and shaking his head in disbelief, Deantini assertively fixated his eyes on the urban fowl. He pinched himself, but no, it was not a dream. “Look at that sexy little number,” mumbled Deantini, as his mouth curled into a devilish smirk. “She doesn’t care that I’m watching, does she? Nah, she’s
used to it. Goddamn, are those some down feathers. I’d like to stuff her in my pants and just walk around as she pecks at my member all day, that little skank. Bet she keeps a nice clean under-carriage too, oh boy. Take a little bird bath with her? Don’t mind if I do.” The pigeon raised her head suspiciously, but Deantinti, unfazed, did not
avert his glare. He raised his eyebrows in a beckoning, puppy-dog manner. The bird was apparently unimpressed, as she flew to the other side of Alma Mater. As he shuffled towards his office in Hamilton, Deantini was heard dejectedly muttering about “fucking teases.”
How do I tell my Progressive Parents I Want to Fuck Paul Ryan?
“Can I trust Paul Ryan to stand up to our populist commander-in-chief? Is he an enemy or an ally? A top or a bottom? Please, please let him be a top.”
BY NICK RIBOLLA ADP Reject
PELHAM MANOR --Growing up in a liberal suburb of New York, I was raised with progressive principles: to unconditionally accept anyone regardless of race, gender, income, or taste in teak furniture -- and to always stand up to bigots. The problem is, what if that bigot is a total beefcake?
On one hand, I know Paul Ryan’s comments about the laziness of “urban” America are indefensible conjecture. But when he struts that pretty little ass on stage, my incorruptible moral compass goes out the window, only to be replaced with pure, unbridled libido. The problem is, I could never tell my parents any of this. “Didn’t we raise you right?” Mom would say. “He’s anti-choice, he’s a climate change denier, he’s a
chauvinist.” I know in my heart of hearts that she’s right. But seeing him grab the sides of the podium as he spouts neo-conservative rhetoric, all I can think is how it might feel if he were grabbing my sides instead, whispering sweet nothings in my ear as I trace little itty-bitty circles in his thick, groomed chest hair.
I know this Trump business should pose more of an issue to me. Can I trust Paul Ryan to stand up to our populist commander-in-chief? Is he an enemy or an ally? A top or a bottom? Please, please let him be a top. I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am. I hope my parents will find a way to move past their politics and accept me for who I want to be. Until then, I’ll be daydreaming of Speaker Ryan and me, taking that trip to Venice we always talk about but never get around to.
Campus Progressives Exhausted After Long Day of Saving the World
BY ANI WILCENSKI Hero
LOW STEPS--Recently, the Federalist caught up with a group of campus progressives as they sat on Low Steps, relaxing after an intense day of political labor. Though most of them were too fatigued to even formulate sentences, their chief spokesman, Matt Rosen CC’18, took a few moments out of his jam-packed day to speak with the newspaper. When asked about their contributions, Rosen sighed wearily. “Man, has
our work been meaningful. Just the other day, we saved an eight-person immigrant family from deportation by walking down Fifth Avenue yelling ‘FUCK DONALD TRUMP.’ Last week, we single-handedly preserved federal Planned Parenthood funding by screen-printing ‘My Body My Choice’ onto some crop tops. And we’re well on our way to neatly resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict by slathering our laptops in BDS stickers and harassing random tourists on Low Steps.” Such hard-hitting political activism does not come without a price, however.
“After all that yelling, all of us got sore throats and needed to trek all the way to Duane Reade to buy lozenges. A bunch of my friends got carpal tunnel from putting on all those stickers, and when I was following a tour group with a ‘Divest’ sign, some eighth-grader with a calculator watch stepped on my toe and really bruised it.”
“Our work doesn’t just take a physical toll,” he continued. “Do you know how draining it can be finding a snappy Huffington Post op-ed to share every day? Do you understand how tiring it is to incorporate the word ‘marginalities’ into twenty-six different Facebook statuses? It’s not easy yelling into a 6,000-person echo chamber for twenty-four hours a day.” Despite the struggles Rosen and his fellow progressives face, they still refuse to back down. “I shudder to think of what could have happened in the world without us here to repost NowThis Politics videos and systematically rebut problematic memes. It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”
Prezbo Trapped in Giant Soup Dumpling
BY THOMAS GERMAIN
Does Wild Things With Chopsticks
EAST CAMPUS - Authorities are scrambling to mount a rescue effort after it was discovered late last night that Columbia University president Lee Bollinger has gotten himself trapped in a giant soup dumpling on the 13th floor of East Campus last night.
“From what we can tell, it seems he wandered over to East Campus 10:45,” said James McShane, Vice President for Public Safety. “How he ended up swimming in that scalding, delicious broth is anybody’s guess. For now, we’ve got to get him out of there.”
After becoming lodged in the dumpling, Bollinger went unnoticed until approximately 7:00 am this morning, when he was discovered by East Campus resident Erica Chang, CC’18.
“I was on my way to the bathroom when I stumbled across this giant soup dumpling in the hallway,” said Chang. “I was about to
instagram it, but then I heard these murmurs about ‘building a twentyfirst century university’ coming from inside. That’s when I called the police.”
The NYPD dispatched a Chinese delicacy removal unit, which arrived on the scene promptly. As of press time, a team is attempting to puncture the skin of the dumpling with an oversized chopstick to alleviate some of the heat.
“These dumplings can get HOT inside, so you’ve got to be careful not to burn your mouth,” a law enforcement source told reporters, on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing operation. “Everybody has their own technique. Normally, we like to bite off the top and let out some steam. But with the president trapped inside we might have to take an unorthodox approach. For now, we’re letting the dumpling cool in a mixture of soy sauce and vinegar.”
BY NATALIE ARENZON
If Chef Boyardee Were Alive Today, He Would Support Refugees
BY THE FEDITORIAL BOARD
In times of crises or confusion, we often look to our great leaders, our great innovators for guidance. During the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln shouldered that burden. During the Franco-Mexican War, the adorable President Benito Juarez (seriously, so cute) boldly led his nation. When the Twin Towers fell, Rudy Giuliani said some words. Oftentimes, an individual’s legacy and body of work serves as inspiration, whether he be alive or not. Today, with President Trump’s executive order banning refugees from seven predominantly Muslim countries being hotly debated across America, we must again turn to our heroes. And if Chef Boyardee were alive, you better believe he would support refugees.
Ettore Boiardi immigrated to the United States at the age of 16, and, though he was not Muslim, he was that kind of brown-ish Italian. (You know what I mean.) Like many American immigrants, Chef lived the American Dream. He toiled in anonymity at the Plaza Hotel for years before he was honored with the title of head chef. One can only imagine how he’d advocate today for the Syrian orphans who want
nothing more than to become sous chef at the St. Regis. There are telling signs of Boyardee’s likely support of refugees in his magnificent cuisine. Take, for instance, his signature Beefaroni. Available in both regular and whole-grain varieties, Beefaroni embodies the spirit of outwardly disparate entities coexisting in a single melting pot: his USDA prime beef greets the delicate tomato puree in a show of inspiring harmony. The two ingredients focus on what brings them together, not what tears them apart. Are you getting it now?
But it’s not just the beefaroni—it’s everything. It’s what Chef and his brand stand for. An unapologetic progressive vision permeates Boy-Ar-Dee products; Chef’s Mini Dinosaurs are not only a delicious after-school meal, but an affirmation of Boyardee’s commitment to science and intellectual rigor.
If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni, they would see: we all have so much in common, primarily our love for a good can of Boyardee. And somewhere, Chef Boyardee will look down upon them, smiling.
BY NATALIE ARENZON
English Major Confesses to Girl that his Greatest Weakness is “Loving too Much”
BY JUSTIN CHENG
Just Trying to Compose Himself
1020 -- Recently, during a trademark flirty repartee with a girl at 1020, local English major Berkeley Harrington CC ‘19 brought the game home with his best line of the night. Having already quoted several sexy lines from Infinite Jest and done a series of sultry James Joyce reenactments, Harrington could tell he only needed one more chance to knock it
out of the park. When his female companion Shirley Ridley CC’19 innocently inquired what Harrington considers to be his greatest weakness, Harrington knew he was about to blow her fucking mind.
Staring soulfully into the distance, Harrington took a long drink and waited a few moments before replying, “I truly believe that my greatest weakness is loving too much.” Then, he sighed dramatically, looked down at the bar, and made
some kind of vague gesture with his cigarette.
“It was like he was trying to tell me that someone had hurt him a long time ago and he wasn’t ready to open up again, while also letting me know that he was most definitely down for a quickie in his Furnald single,” said Ridley. “I know he didn’t say much, but from those few simple words, I could really understand him—he’s deep, he’s sensitive, he’s intellectual, and he’s the only
person on this campus who TRULY appreciates the Smiths.” Harrington explained that he is not used to expressing such honesty: “Usually I stop after dropping the line, ‘The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes’—that’s Proust by the way, Marcel Proust—but this time I went the extra mile and really bared my soul to this girl. We’d only just met, and we probably will never meet again after I stop responding
THAT MOLE LOOKS PRETTY IRREGULAR MAYBE IT’S
to her texts and pick up some other girl who wears a lot of black right in front of her at 1020 next weekend, but for a moment there we made a real, meaningful connection.”
Bwog Writer Shouts into the Void
BY ANI WILCENSKI Floozy
One Bwog writer, Julia Greenberg CC ’20 recently agreed to chat with The Federalist to offer some insight into her well-honed craft: vomiting out content into an utterly vacant cybervoid.
When asked whether the Internet vacuum into which her articles are regurgitated is as all-consumingly barren as it seems, Greenberg nodded emphatically. “Yeah, my job is to throw knockoff Buzzfeed articles into a hollow digital abyss. Scientists say black holes are the purest form of emptiness in the universe, but they’ve clearly never checked out our social media presence.”
“I mean, once we printed a great coffee cake recipe and my grandma and her friend Ethel liked it, but other than that there’s not much going on here. Although, if you think our Facebook is desolate, you should see our Twitter,” said Greenberg.
“I medicate before I look at that thing.” When asked how many followers the account has, she gazed wistfully into space for several minutes and finally muttered something unintelligible about Tumblr.
Despite the crushing emptiness of the void into which heroes like Greenberg vomit their pieces, she insists that this overpowering vacuity is far from discouraging. Instead, she claims that the acceptance of such profound nothingness has become a critical part of their creative process.
“Without an intimate familiarity with our futile endeavors, how could we in good faith produce such journalistic gems as ‘Field Notes: Drunk in Love or Just Drunk Edition’ or ‘A Conspiracy Theory: What Happened to the Bananas’? Our artistic integrity depends on our willingness to gag out mindless content into a cold and indifferent universe.”
BY NATALIE ARENZON
Furnald freshman’s virginity taken, from laundry room
BY CAMERON AVERILL
Sensually Bleached
FURNALD - Sean Mc -
Connell CC ‘20 only left his laundry for twenty minutes. He went upstairs to retrieve his enormous backpack before a chess club meeting, and when he got back, his stuff had been taken out of the machine. He found his
shirts, socks, and underwear, but after digging for a few minutes he realized something was missing: someone had taken his virginity.
“There was a huge pile of abandoned clothes on the ground, so at first I thought it might just be buried under some dirty towels,” McConnell said. “I even moved some girl’s warm bra and
panties to check for my virginity underneath, which was pretty awkward considering I’d never been within three feet of a bra in my life. But it was nowhere to be found.”
McConnell chose to live in Furnald because he heard it offered a strong sense of trust and security. “People taking your virginity and
not even leaving a number afterwards – that’s something you’d expect to happen in Carman, and only after hours of leaving it there intact. But you’d never expect to lose it in Furnald. I let my guard down for just a brief moment, and boy, did I get fucked.”
The next morning, Katie Lee CC ‘20, another Furnald
resident, returned McConnell’s virginity to the laundry room with disgust, realizing she’d taken it by mistake.
“That night, I had way too much to drink,” she said.
“Otherwise, there’s no way I would’ve ever taken his virginity. It’s pretty nasty.
I don’t want to know where those mysterious stains come from, and why does it smell
like Cool Ranch Doritos?”
With his virginity back in his possession, McConnell says he doesn’t plan to take any more chances. “Next year, I’m transferring to SEAS. No way anyone will be taking my virginity any time soon.”
Prezbo Asks to be given reparations
BY BEN GREENSPAN
Beta brother, but you knew that
Amid reports of Columbia University’s long and complicated ties to slavery, President Lee Bollinger has asked that he receive reparations from the descendants of those involved in the bloody trade. Bollinger cited himself as the primary living victim of the complex history, as he must now manage the outcry and public backlash.
Speaking from his threestory, red brick mansion overlooking Morningside Park, Bollinger read a prepared statement, held in front of him by Joffrey, his tuxedo-clad butler: “It’s always shocking when you look back and realize things we think of as deeply immoral were taken for granted as a part of life, and I frankly think I’m owed an apology. And perhaps a foot massage.”
“Slaves? That’s pretty fucked up,” commented
Bollinger. “When I signed my recent four year contract with this university, it was under the premise I’d be taking on a respectable, moral academic institution -- not Yale, for God’s sake. I was not made aware of its repugnant past. Really, I would have become a free agent, or at least asked to be traded to
Brown. So really, you owe me.”
One might expect reparations to be paid to descendants of slaves by the families who historically owned their ancestors. This solemn and necessary procedure, according to Bollinger, is how he would like to be ameliorated. “I’m not asking for much. I mean, don’t be so stingy! A small $50,000 gift will suffice to give my Audi a 6-inch lift.” At presstime, Bollinger was seen having Joffrey apply different shades of rouge to his face.
Op-Ed: I Can’t Believe I Got Accepted into My School’s Study Abroad Program
BY CONNOR HALM
So White it Hurts
Guess what, unwitting Facebook friends! After a grueling semester full of failed midterms and alcoholic rants against feminism, I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve been accepted to my school’s study abroad program in Europe! I was so nervous that I
wouldn’t get this opportunity considering how only 97% of applicants get accepted, so I asked Daddy to donate some extra money just to be safe. I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me.
I will be taking classes like “The Ethics of Avoiding Poor People” and “Five Steps to Writing More Woke Odyssey Op-Eds.” Do you have any idea how hard I worked
this semester to get into this program? Because I’ve been coked out since October and could really use some help filling in the details.
Anyways, studying abroad will also broaden my worldview and impact me for a lifetime, or at least that’s what it said on the website. Educationally, I’ll be able to further my pursuit of degrees in business administration
and cirrhosis of the liver. Socially, I’m certain that this study abroad program will help me expand my cultural horizons by exposing me to new ideas, social norms, and foreign chicks. The great thing about this program is that it’s in English, so I won’t have to waste any time learning a language I’ll never use. Instead, I can spend all my time experiencing all
that the culture of Europe has to offer. From the streets of Paris to the Renaissance artwork of Italy, the dry humor of England to the nude beaches of Spain, I will hit every night club and do every party drug in between them. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, molly, ecstasy, heroin, you name it and I’m there. After all, what’s the point of studying abroad if you can’t
relax and have a little fun every now and again?! The bottom line is, while on my semester abroad, I plan to travel extensively, study as little as possible, and explore my bisexuality. Thanks Mom and Dad!
AROUND IVIES THE
Bacchanal is quickly approaching, which means that Columbia students are bound to compare our experience to “Spring Fling” or “Whatever Brown’s Equivalent Is.” It’s important for us to keep our privileged position in Morningside Heights in mind. As a result, the Spectador has statistics from our seven beloved siblings to remind us all that the Ivy League is a sisterhood, not a competition (but if it were a competition we all know who’d win: Penn State).
DARTMOUTH
Location: The most conservative province of Canada.
Mascot: Whiskey dick.
Best Known for: Playing the devil’s advocate.
Student Population: Anti-PC activists and very scared Native Americans.
School Motto: Begrudgingly Diverse.
Ivy Superlative: Most likely to settle out of court..
Student Population: People lost in the Harvard-Yale transit.
Mascot: An inflated GPA.
Best Known for: Getting you back next time, dude.
School Motto: Hide your privilege until you reach your summer home.
Ivy Superlative: Most likely to decolonize the female body.
CORNELL
Location: Your second-choice town.
Mascot: Disappointed Asian parent.
Best known for: Not known.
Student Population: Future managers of the Courtyard Marriott.School Motto: It’s an Ivy.
Ivy superlative: Best trade school in the Northeast.
Reuben Sandwich Elected Governor of New Jersey
BY HARRISON GALE Lunch Meat Correspondent
JERSEY SHORE
-- In a surprise recall election, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was ousted this week in favor of a warm, buttery, crisp Reuben sandwich with perfectly melted cheese.
With one of the lowest approval ratings of any governor in recent history, Christie had been struggling to retain the support of voters, who wanted a candidate that would actually take on New Jersey’s enduring challenges. Though
residents had thrown their support behind such prominent citizens as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, the guy from Cake Boss, and a leopard-print beach towel, Christie’s worst nightmare was realized as the votes rolled in: Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor. “The campaign was really vicious,” said New Jersey resident Rob Jenkins. He described a fiasco at the live debate involving Christie and
the ultimate victor, during which Christie kept making eyes at the sandwich during commercial breaks and even attempted to leap across the stage and “make sweet love to it” in front of a scandalized audience.
Yet, for Governor Rueben and its voters, the taste of victory may be short-lived. Nine days after it took office, its connections to Russian dressing have sparked a widespread federal investigation.
Breaking: Bake Sale to Support Student Theater Breaks Even
BY ERIKA SHERR Spunky Amputee
LERNER RAMPS
-- the CU Theatre Troupe’s bake sale officially broke even yesterday, selling out their homemade cookies and Betty Crocker brownies, along with a surprising number of the vegan orange ginger cupcakes. The sale, which took place over three days on the fifth table down from the main doors, was to raise money to produce the troupe’s upcoming 10 minute, one-act play, Shadow of Susan, to be held in Lerner’s black box.
The young thespians were optimistic about the results of
their bake sale. “I mean yeah, it would have made more financial sense for us to just save the money we spent on baking supplies, but it’s all about the publicity that comes with the Lerner ramps,” said Sarabeth Nichols CC ‘18, CU Theatre Troupe’s Treasurer. “Our Facebook event now has almost 50 people ‘interested’.
A couple of people even took the fliers I printed out in Butler this morning, so I think the word is really starting to get out.”
Given yesterday’s success, there are already talks of another bake sale in the works. The troupe is hoping to build upon its success
and turn a profit this time, even if the profit is marginal. “Ideally, we would be able to reserve one of the first two tables on the ramps, but somehow that prime real estate is always booked by sororities and multicultural groups,” Nichols commented.
“For a lot of us this isn’t just a bake sale,” added Noah Goldberg CC ‘19, who plays the coy yet adventurous postman in Shadow of Susan. “It’s practice for a career of making absolutely no money at all, ever.”
At press time, Goldberg and friends were seen reassuring one another they did not want to be Econ majors.
SPONSORED CONTENT: Student Finally Finds Purpose Through Consulting Internship
BY EMMETT WERBEL
Not Mad, Just Disappointed
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS
- Rex Johnstone always knew he wanted to help people.
But just 6 months into starting as a prospective Human Rights major at Columbia, Johnstone began been questioning whether protecting inalienable fre edoms was truly his calling. According to his closest friends, everything changed when he took Sunil Gulati’s “Principles of Economics” class.
“I just realized money is so interesting and important,” said Johnstone, “and that if I get a lot of it, I too could be interesting and important.” Following this realization, Johnstone landed a spot in McKinsey & Company’s prestigious Summer Internship Program for Liberal Arts Students Who Make It Look Like Our Employees Have Interests Other Than Money.
Reflecting on his internship experience, Johnstone gushed: “I was so intellectually and existentially fulfilled. Just by working 18 hours a day, I could avoid asking myself the deep, soul-searching philosophical questions I used to struggle with.”
Asked what other things he liked about McKinsey, Johnstone said, “Well, it’s the best one. Like it’s on Forbes and shit.”
Johnstone’s story is a touching example of how academic passions and existential ambitions can collide in a creative environment like McKinsey’s. Click here to learn more about opportunities to change the world in full and part-time positions.
