Spectador Issue 2024 by columbiafederalist

Barnard College Ranks Above Columbia University

This past Monday, U.S. News released its mid-year report on the nation’s highest-ranking colleges and universities. These rankings have been long-awaited, with Internet users and top government officials alike placing bets on who will come out on top. But now is no longer the time

for speculation. In the newest release of the U.S. News rankings, Barnard College rose to no. 16, while Columbia University sank to a new low at no. 20, marking a historic shift in the BarnardColumbia dynamic. Ivy League administrators, including those at Columbia University, have been concerned about these rankings — many top schools have been in the national spotlight due to Congressional

release of Barbie, Gerwig is one of Barnard’s most notable alumni.

hearings and negative media coverage from top news outlets. Columbia has been no exception, but the university’s drop in rank seems far worse than its Ivy competitors, such as Harvard (no. 3), Yale (no. 2), and Princeton (no. 5).

The last time Columbia University faced such a drastic drop in rankings was when Mathematics Professor Dr. Michael Thaddeus reported inconsistencies and falsehoods

the Class of 2024 is receiving an extra special treat at graduation. Grace Weinswig, BC ‘24 commented: “I am baffled that they were able to Greta. She’s such a big ticket right now, it’s truly incredible. I can’t wait to hear her speak. Ladybird is like my favorite movie, and it’s even cooler that it’s like, about Barnard. I grew up not that far from Sacramento. Oh, and I’m a film major. We honestly have a lot in common.”

in Columbia’s submitted data. Following this initial exposé, Columbia has continued a pattern of rising and falling among the U.S. News’ top-ranked schools. To receive more information regarding Columbia’s drop in rankings, we reached out to a US News representative: “We found out they lied about, well, everything.” When asked about Barnard College, they responded: “Barnard lies about everything

too, but that’s expected.” When we asked for clarification, the representative continued: “I mean, all girls do is eat hot chips and lie.” The U.S. staff described their experience while on a Columbia University campus evaluation tour, during which they spotted Barnard President Rosenbury: “We saw her across Broadway, and we really liked her vibe.” Spectador is unsure if this affected Barnard College’s increase in ranking.

Lerner Gate Massacre Oh Shit My perfect little boy has finally left me for a better place, oh how I have missed him. In Memoriam: Lee Bollinger NEWS, PAGE 3 PAGE 8 OBITUARIES OPINION Oliver Green sure is. Is America Ready for Radioactive Condoms? The Boat is Sinking! No One is Safe A hidden gem: Grace Dodge Butt Fuck of Nowhere Hall SPEC Best food in Manhattan @ColombiaSpec @CUrectum @CUSpecSports @theeyemag facebook.com/ colombiaspectador

Barnard College has just announced that writer, director, and actor Greta Gerwig will be the commencement speaker for the Graduation of the Class of 2024 on May 15. Gerwig has starred in many films, including Frances Ha (2012) and 20th Century Women (2016), and has written and directed three incredibly successful, female-centered films: Ladybird (2017), Little Women (2019), and the 2023 smash hit Barbie. Hot off a successful awards season following the

The Barnard community is ecstatic about this announcement. A representative from the Office of the President noted: “we are thrilled that Greta has agreed to speak at our commencement this year. She is such a role model for women everywhere, and we are so proud that she has chosen to come back to her alma mater and celebrate the achievements of this wonderful and resilient group of women.” Many students of the Class of 2024 were hoping that Barnard would secure Gerwig as their commencement speaker. Following their non-traditional college experience, beginning in 2020 at the height of

Covid-19 pandemic,

Barnard College Announces Greta Gerwig as 2024 Commencement Speaker Columbia to Replace “Roaree the Lion” with “Roaree the Man” Columbia continues to land in hot water over several controversies, but at least they can check one off their list. Its current mascot “Roaree the Lion” has given a false sense of domesticity and friendliness to all lions everywhere; Columbia has therefore decided to replace the beloved mascot with “Roaree the Man.” Starting in April of 2024, a random man in a Columbia Lions hoodie will show up to games as the mascot. He will continue to dance and hype up the crowd as if he were in the costume, but now he’ll actually make eye contact with you as you ignore his high-five and walk past to leave the game early. “We did some testing, and school spirit is virtually the same as before. Plus, our lion related incidents have virtually stopped,” says the CU Director for Student Engagement. “The mascot still terrifies kids and makes them cry, so it’s a successful transition in my book.” The Spectador reached out to the student population to gain feedback on this recent change, but no one filled out the form because, it turns out, no one really cares. Class of 2024 Must Take Pole Vaulting Intensive to Graduate on Schedule Last Saturday morning, seniors in the class of 2024 woke up feeling full of life, ready to enjoy one of their final weekends as college students. Suddenly, as they were about to head to Low Steps to soak in the sunshine, an email notification popped up on each of their computers. Gasps were reported across campus as students learned that their collective PE requirement had gone unfulfilled. The only open PE opportunity left? A pole vaulting intensive. This year’s graduating class will now have to spend roughly 20 hours a week practicing for weekly competitions. Students will have to supply their own poles, and if they fail to vault the maximum height by the end of the semester, they will not be able to get credit for the class. It seems there is only one thing for the class of 2024 to do— get vaulting! BY OLIVER GREEN High Flying Earlier today, the Bacchanal E-Board was contacted by JID’s team, who informed them that he has fallen ill with Norovirus ahead of his performance this Saturday at Columbia’s annual spring concert. Norovirus, the highly contagious stomach virus, has been running rampant through the Northeast all winter, and now seems to have caught up with the rapper and producer. His team stated that they are not confident he will be well enough to perform this Saturday, leaving Bacchanal without a headliner only five days before the concert. When asked for a comment, a representative for Bacchanal shared, “The Bacchanal team is hopeful that JID will make a speedy recovery from his unfortunate illness ahead of Saturday, but in the meantime Bacchanal is exploring all possible options to ensure we put on an incredible concert this year.” Spectador will continue to keep the Columbia community updated on the status of JID and Bacchanal in the coming days. The Spectador Arts & Culture team would like to offer a few suggestions to the Bacchanal team in light of this unfortunate situation. As potential headliner options, they suggest friend of the college, Hillary Clinton, as headlining speaker, or perhaps a live recording of one class session of Inside the Situation Room, if she is busy. They also suggested the currently viral cast of the Glasgow Wonka Experience. Also, Ice Spice. JID Falls Ill Days Before Columbia Performance, Bacchanal Without Headliner Sofia DeSanto/Staff Artist BY GRACE WEINSWIG Spewing Chunks BY MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER Undomesticated BY INICA KOTASTHANE & ELENA LUKAC Numbers People BY GRACE WEINSWIG Not That Big of a Fan Busting my ass to get my drugs back :( PAGE 6 Big Drug Bust! U.S. News Updates:

the

Vol. XXXXXX April 1, 2024 colombiaspectador.com

Sofia

DeSanto/Staff Artist

EBOARD

MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER

OLIVER GREEN Frog Queens

DANI RIVERA

OLIVER GREEN International Correspondants

OLIVIA RUBLE

OLIVER GREEN Momagers

BAYAN SHIMIZU

OLIVER GREEN Token Male E-Board Members

DANI WINKLER

OLIVER GREEN Only People Active in the Slack

GBOARD

FENWAY DONEGAN

OLIVER GREEN

Heads of Nothing At All

ASHLEY RAPP

OLIVER GREEN

Girls with Big Crayon

OLIVER GREEN Bad at Kahoot

GRACE WEINSWIG

OLIVER GREEN Pretty Girls

IZZY SZYFER

OLIVER GREEN Memelords

SYLVI STEIN

OLIVER GREEN

Right Hand Men STAFF

Ava Young-Stoner, Izzy Szyfer, Oliver Green, Julian Gerber, Lilian Aregawi, Megan Myerson, Sylvi Stein

Peacekeepers

Sasha Maroulis, Silvana Gonzalez, Matthew Pierson, Zoe Silverman, Julian Gerber, Rebecca Jensen Sykora, Lila Muscosky, Xavier Stiles, Oliver Green Jokers

Dalia Estessami, Dani Rivera, Lila Muscosky, Lilian Aregawi, Olivia Ruble, Macey Stancato, Oliver Green

Picasso-Adjacent

Eliza Heath, Lila Muscosky, Sylvi Stein, Leeza Barg, Oliver Green Shires

Leeza Barg, Lila Muscosky, Oliver Green

Tech bros

Nikhil Mehta

Papa

BOARD OF TRUSTEES

YOUR MOM

MY MOM

PROF. HILLARY CLINTON

YOUR STEPMOM

WAIT NO NOT MY MOM

I MEANT UM

Letter from the Feditor

Dear Valued Spectador Readers,

It is my greatest pleasure as the Editor-in-Chief of this established publication to introduce our loyal readers to the April edition of The Daily Spectador as we on staff continue to deliver the promise of intellectual stimulation from our esteemed reporting read by thousands on and off campus.

PSYCH! Did we fool ya?

I’m just kidding with all of that. This is The Fed! We just have a little bit of a different look this issue because we may not put out “daily” “journalistic” “impressive” “news” as some people claim on this campus, but we are totally committed to the bit. If you fell for it, it’s your own fault; read the fine print next time. And if you still think this is Spec and are upset that some of the things in this paper aren’t quite true, make sure to directly contact editor@columbiaspectator.com with your concerns and angry mail. With all that out of the way, please enjoy some of the top-quality journalism we have to offer, such as the news that Barnard College has officially ranked higher than Columbia University this year, just how much contraband Public Safety took during room checks, and the brand new donut shop that’s keen on it’s police discounts. If anything, we’re consistent with our JJ’s content, so look for that if you’re a regular. What else could you want from The Yearly Spectador?

Sincerely … NOT April fools

Mollie Feditor-in-Chief ASHLEY RAPP & DANI WINKLER Captains

Dear

I hope this letter finds you well and, maybe, while afloat/

LILA MUSCOSKY Smarty Pants

Columbia to Add Alum Art Garfunkel (CC’65) to Butler Frieze

BY SASHA MAROULIS The Only Living Boy in NY

one of several new individuals represented on the iconic, ionic frieze. We at Spectador, had the privilege of getting in contact with head architect Cecilia Robertson, and asked her about the decision to include Garfunkel.

“You know, as the latter half of ‘Simon and Garfunkel,’ he had a tremendous impact on the landscape of modern popular music,” Robinson said. “Furthermore, as a former Columbia College student of art history, it felt fitting to cement his legacy into the very embodiment of intellectualism at Columbia that is Butler Library.” We look forward to future updates about the frieze expansion, and here’s to Mrs. Robinson for taking time away from this significant project to

BY MARIE SAMI TARAZI Law Abiding Citizen

APRIL 1, 2022 CAMPUS NEWS PAGE 3 Columbia University’s newest eatery, Chef Don’s Donut Shop, will open on the ground floor of Lerner Hall on April 2nd. The Donut Shop will be “specifically designed to cater to the increased New York Police Department presence that has been on campus since October 2023,” per a press release from the university. After much of the administration expressed desires for the NYPD to become live-in personnel at the university, President Minouche Shafik called for a new dining option for the “brave blue soldiers who keep us protected from the student body.” In partnership with Chef Donald Bartlett, commonly known as Chef Don amongst the student body, Columbia’s Donut Shop will feature various donut flavors, with some including Pig in Blue– a blueberry flavored donut with crispy bacon toppings, Block the Gates– a classic chocolate flavored donut, and the Minouche– a beautifully glazed donut that once bitten into, reveals a bland, stale flavor leaving eaters disappointed and wanting something different. Several students inquired as to whether or not they can use their Dining Dollars to purchase donuts or if it comes with one meal swipe. However, Bartlett informed us that students will in fact not be allowed to eat at the Donut Shop. “This Donut Shop is intended to be a safe space for the NYPD community at Columbia,” CU Dining said in a statement to the Colombia Spectador “Allowing students to eat there would simply defeat that purpose. You know, we’ve gotta do what we can to protect the community here at this university.” PAGE 2 CAMPUS NEWS APRIL 1, 2022 2 CAMPUS APRIL 2024

999999th year of publication. Independent since PANGEA.

The

For nearly a century, Columbia students have gazed upon the Butler frieze replete with the names of foundational Western thinkers such as Plato, Aristotle, and Dante. However, in an attempt to revitalize this testament to intellectual achievement through an appreciation for diverse contemporaries, Columbia announced a plan to expand the list of names. Specifically, the university’s appointed Architectural Design Commission (ADC) has announced that Art Garfunkel will be

University Football to

Removed From The Ivy

In a shocking move, the NCAA announced that Columbia University’s football team will be relegated from the Ivy League to the Conference USA college football division, per ESPN’s Pete Thamel. Following a disastrous season in which the football team went 3-7 (1-6 in conference), a unanimous decision was made to remove the University from the Ivy League. Thamel reported that Columbia “[would] be replaced by Middle Tennessee State University, following their slightly better 4-8 (3-5 in conference) football record.” The move sent no shockwaves through the highly competitive college football world, which has seen multiple conference realignments recently. A spokesperson for the MTSU Blue Raiders said, “We are honored and delighted to replace Columbia University in the Ivy League. While we lack the same prestige, we will bring a new light to the Ivy League.” Columbia University declined to comment, citing their pending lawsuit against the NCAA and its President, Charlie Baker. Columbia to Establish New Chef Don’s Donut Shop for Increased NYPD Presence on Campus BY ARON SHKLAR Coach In response to both increased class sizes and a growing demand for guests at the 2024 Senior Boat Cruise, the Columbia Senior Week Committee has instituted a policy allowing ticketless seniors to submit Letters of Continued Interest. Much like an internship or college-related Letter of Continued Interest, these letters will grant cruise hopefuls an opportunity to update the committee on what they have accomplished since failing to purchase a ticket to the aquatic celebration. These letters will be considered alongside a student’s resume, cover letter, and academic writing sample as the committee decides how to distribute remaining tickets. The Senior Week Committee has kindly forwarded the Spectador a template that desperate, boat-loving seniors can personalize at their leisure:

provide a thoughtful comment. Columbia

League

Mr. Boat Cruise and Committee,

aboard!

my EventBrite

a chance to be reconsidered for the final Senior Boat Cruise pool (or deck, haha). Over spring break, I had the opportunity to “bear the seas,” as they say, with a few current students already admitted onto the main deck. When I asked one of them why she’s going on the Boat Cruise if her family already has a yacht and beach house, she answered, “Because I can.” This inspiring statement galvanized me to revisit that one fence drawing of equity versus equality, as well as get a perfect score on the MCAT, LSAT, and GRE. If

the potential

legs not

seafaring! Following the news

nonadmittance,

undergone some serious introspection

Thank you for reviewing

application and giving me

I am ultimately admitted off the waitlist, I will get so insanely dressed up and take so much Dramamine that you won’t even have to worry about

of my

being

of my

I have

variety

pool laps, cannonballs, life

try-ons,

fingerclicking

the opportunity

on the Eventbrite

and a

of exercises ranging from Uris

jacket

and

mouse intervals. If given

to get

again, I am confident

prepared

ticket, but also to expand my legacy at Columbia through bougie seabound networking. If admitted, I am ready to commit and to bring my enthusiasm and drive to the Pier 61 waters. Sincerely, [insert name] Letters of Continued Interest To Be Required for Senior Cruise Hopefuls Trespassers Beware: I Went Through the Lerner Gate Too Fast… Then Everything Went Dark In the fall of 2023, students were welcomed back to an upgraded, cutting-edge campus, with the most significant change being the modernized gates at the campus entrance to Alfred Lerner Hall (may the turnstiles of yesteryear rest in peace). But little did students realize, these sexy bifurcating barricades came with a sinister side: students who scanned their ID in err were stunted by a disturbing, screeching alarm. This semester, Public Safety has announced that it will batten down the hatches on Alfred Lerner Hall. Spectador sources have confirmed the implementation of new, hyper-secure measures against the heedless student and piggybacker, but that they were “not at liberty to disclose more at this time.” When reached out to for comment, Public Safety responded with a link to the theme of Despicable How to Ensure the Best Registration Outcome With class registration just around the corner, we’re here to provide some advice on getting every class that you want so you don’t have to helplessly email every professor begging for a spot in that one class that you “need” to graduate! Best of luck <3 1. Go to the registrar’s office the week before registration and get to know the team! Nothing says “friendship” like some under-the-table bribery. Extra pity points if you start crying in front of them. 2. Hack the system! It honestly can’t be that hard to break into the registration portal and change your registration time, because it breaks down on its own constantly! 3. Drop out! What’s better than getting all of the classes you wanted? Having a semester off with no classes at all. Life hack! Columbia Legally a Princeton Satellite Campus, Archival Documents Reveal Recently uncovered documents from the Columbia University Libraries revealed that despite hundreds of years as an independent operation, Columbia University is technically a mere satellite campus for the New Jersey-based Princeton University. Records show that, to avoid an increased tax obligation, Princeton University established a small college in Manhattan to use as a shell company for university spending, which records list as “under complete control by thee Presbyterian College of New-Jersey.” Upon discovering this legal classification, university archivists quickly brought it to the attention of the administration, who confirmed that past documents detailing college hierarchies matched perfectly with the record of establishment that puts Princeton as the flagship university of Columbia’s many schools. “This honestly answers a lot of questions we had about the university’s earlier years,” said Timothy Paulson of the Office of the President. “No wonder all our financial documents are routed through New Jersey – it looks like almost all of them are being drawn from Princeton’s endowment.” Despite the shock of the revelation, the administration has been quick to act, retroactively mailing updated Princeton diplomas to alumni, dyeing all unsold university gear in orange, and changing out the bookstore’s alumni portraits for Princeton graduates. Columbia campus services are currently in negotiation with metallurgy contractors to melt down Alma Mater and reshape it into a large tiger. In an allcampus email, President Minouche Shafik made sure to reiterate that Columbia will continue to function as normal, and that she looks forward to a “healthy partnership” with Princeton’s administration. Spectador reporters spoke to the Princeton administration in New Jersey as to learn what changes Columbia can expect under their dominion. When interviewed about the discovery, President Christopher L. Eisgruber of Princeton University replied, “Holy shit, are you for real? That’s fucking hilarious.” Eigsgruber then ended the interview early to call his secretary and route all Columbia administrative salaries to his bank account, and to invest the remaining Columbia endowment in Princeton’s stock portfolio. Given the pandemonium from the Princeton reveal, archivists are reportedly skeptical about releasing new lettering that points towards Barnard College as the sole legal descendant of the Bloomingdale Insane Asylum.

will be qualified and

to not only secure a

Editor

Ashley

Rapp/Graphics

Ashley Rapp/Graphics

Artist

OLIVIA RUBLE Missing

Tiger (?) 2024

Ashley

Rapp/Graphics Artist BY BAYAN SHIMIZU

Columbia Fraternity That Rhymes With ‘Data’ to Rebrand as “The Mojo Dojo Casa House”

PAGE 4 OBITUARIES APRIL 1, 2022 APRIL 1, 2022 PERSONALS PAGE 5 “Our Students Want the Death Lemonade Too”—JJ’s Place Announces Historic Partnership with Panera Bread Upon returning to campus for the final stretch of the spring semester, students will be glad to see a new beverage available at favored campus eatery JJ’s Place. In an exclusive interview with Columbia Dining’s Head Mixologist/Director of Tasty Beverage Acquisitions, the Colombia Spectador learned that Panera’s infamous charged lemonade, a caffeine product equivalent to 900 cups of John Jay coffee, will replace the current lemonade available at the dining hall. This partnership marks a new chapter for the hundreds of students who go to JJ’s to eat fried mac and cheese balls to avoid doing their math homework and simultaneously stay awake to stress about having not done their math homework. “Really,” our dining contact said, “This lemonade overhaul is the biggest thing we’ve done yet… the students crave the death drink.” The death lemonade’s arrival has not come without criticism, as local coffee shops have begun to fear their new competitor. Both a legion of septum piercing clad baristas and the hot guy who works at Blue Bottle on Tuesdays shared that they expect sales to massively drop in the face of JJ’s new product launch. Barnard Tour Guide Explains Beep to Visiting Families: Oh, That? That Incessant Beeping Noise? “And if you look to your left we have our Barnard Bubble Tea and Sushi Center”-Weeeoooh weeeoh weeoh “As you can see students rush to this area for lunch breaks and to grab a coveted Milstein green chair”-WEEEEOOOOH WEEEEOH WEEEEEOH… *** In a recent interview with the student tour guides at Barnard, a Fed interviewer inquired about the protocol for explaining the all-too-familiar and too-often-occurring beep on the first level of Milstein. Student tour guide Tori Guy confides: “There’s no good way to tell potential Barnard families that the beep will continue for at least the next 30 minutes…or that it’s turned off whenever someone gets around to it…or that no one really knows what causes it.” Another student, Dia Fender O’Beep, explained the detailed backpedaling and hoop jumping they had to go through to convince a potential group of students and their potential tuition-paying parents that the sound is totally normal, okay, and actually part of a student research project: “I had to create a pseudo-hypothesis and pretend that them knowing any more details risked a conflict of interest among the variables which would skew the student ‘researchers’ data. Essentially, I gaslit them all.” To book the iconic Milstein beep for your next party, contact Chief@ columbiafederalist.com–serious inquiries only, This past weekend, Columbia Dining celebrated a new landmark for the campus culinary experience as the rat count across dining halls landed at an all-time low. With only 77 rats discovered in the John Jay-based dining hall, this recent inspection marked the lowest rat count since the 1865 ‘Kill a Rat, Get a Meal’ party hosted by JJ’s Place in celebration of the end of the civil war. “This is incredible news,” reported Jennifer Lejbowicz, Head of Columbia Dining. “Over the last five years, Columbia Dining has been hard at work lowering numbers, and we’re proud to say that we’ve done an amazing job. It’s hard to imagine that it was only six months ago when getting below triple-digits seemed impossible.” The recent success was attributed to a swathe of safety overhauls across the kitchen, including an increase in janitorial staff and removing the miniature diving board next to the deep fryer. “Honestly, we don’t know why it took so long to get rid of that,” reported one chef. “It was always funny to watch them dive into the bubbly abyss below, but the gain in cleanliness more than makes up for the loss in entertainment.” Student reviews of the dining hall were equally shining. “There hasn’t been a single rat near my table, and I’ve been sitting here for three minutes,” said Gregory Halsford (SEAS ‘25). “If you had told me that three months ago, I wouldn’t have believed you.” Seventy Rodents Found in JJ’s Place Inspection in New All-Time Low for Rat Count Following the release of the highly successful Barbie movie, a fraternity at Columbia University recently announced they will be rebranding themselves as “The Mojo Dojo Casa House.” As described by one member of the frat who identified himself as “just Ken,” they were “really inspired by Ryan Gosling’s moving performance and felt so seen by his whole exploration of the patriarchy and of horses. All the brothers are really big fans of the patriarchy, so having the space to explore that made us feel really vulnerable and seen.” The fraternity will be replacing its Men of Principles Initiative with a Man (and Horse) of the Year Initiative. The Mojo Dojo Casa House will also be making over their brownstone building’s facade with a mural of flames, motorcycles, horses, and Duff Beer. “We’re custom designing rocking horse chairs to be put throughout the whole place,” a third-year student said with great enthusiasm. They plan to convert one of the rooms into a closet for leather jackets––on whether or not the jackets were vegan leather, the members declined to answer––and will be installing posters of Margot Robbie all throughout the house. To celebrate the rebrand, the members will be hosting a post-Spring Break Party, welcoming members of the community and especially freshmen girls who may be interested in becoming long-term-longdistance-low-commitment-casual girlfriends.

Stunning investigative journalism by the Colombia Spectador recently discovered that Mondel Chocolates, the beloved chocolate shop on 114th and Broadway that nobody has ever been inside of, has stayed in business for twenty years thanks entirely to the patronage of one tenured English department professor. Dr. Schokolade admits that he has shopped at the store every day since he first arrived at Columbia University, and that he thought $49.99 was “a normal amount to pay for a Hershey’s bar, what with inflation being what it is.” Refuting accusations that the store is a mafia front, Mondel Chocolates’ tax returns point to years of continued loyalty from the professor, who often stops in for a sweet treat. “It’s such a convenient place,” Dr. Schokolade told the Colombia Spectador “I can imagine the undergrads popping into Book Culture for the latest Emily Wilson translation and then grabbing a chocolate or two with their friends.” At press time, Fed investigations revealed that the last time a student entered Mondel Chocolates was in 2005 in order to ask to use the bathroom. No Colombia Spectador reporters entered the shop to write this article. Mondel Chocolates Kept in Business by One Single Tenured Professor Duo, Columbia’s student account multi-factor verification service, has been known to terrorize students with unnecessary identity verification before they even step on campus. To address user concerns of not being able to access anything Columbia-related when their phone isn’t on them, Duo has announced a new in-person verification method, where Duo himself, best known for his role as Duolingo’s green mascot owl, will fly over to wherever you are and inspect you himself. When asked how he was going to actually examine your identity, he responded in a language that we don’t understand. We assume he gave good reasoning: we already trust Duo with all of our information against our wills, and we might as well keep trusting them now. When asked what happens if he determines that you’re not who you say you are, he explained, “Same thing that happens if you lose your streak,” with a menacing look. CC freshman Alex expressed great excitement for the new method to us, “One time I lost my phone while I was being asked to verify in order to breathe. I almost died until I found my phone just in time. With Duo the owl standing on top of my prone body looking right into my eyes, all my problems are fixed!” Duo to Launch New In-Person Verification Method Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor Olivia Ruble/Managing Editor BY AVA YOUNG-STONER Wired BY ASHLEY RAPP Struggling with Sanity BY MADDY MANNING-BI Long Term Long Distance... Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor BY BAYAN SHIMIZU Rat Czar Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor Tables on Wheels! Admin Plays Silly Little Joke on Students, Just in Time for Midterms! BY ASHLEY RAPP & DANI WINKLER BY SYLVI STEIN Brown Noser BY JAMES COPPERSMITH Secure Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist 1. WRITING LOVE LETTERS: I am going to indulge my romantic inclinations, pouring my heart into a series of love letters addressed to my crush. These balcony-worthy extolments will be kept under my pillow, never to meet his eyes… 2. FOLLOWING HIM, SOCIALLY I’m going to meticulously investigate every post, comment, and like my crush has ever made in an attempt to get to know him better (and before you ring Public Safety with bogus accusations of “stalking,” let me assure you that I will be keeping a very safe distance of at least 7 feet). 3. DISTRACTING, HOBBILY: I am going to throw myself into hobbies to distract from the gaping void of my crush’s “vacation”…more like “corporal punishment” if you consider the blow my heart has taken from said vacation. 4. CONSULTING A MAGIC 8-BALL: Can’t hurt. 5. CREATING A SHRINE: I will craft a shrine dedicated to my class crush to include candles, stuff, and, of course, the photo I stealthily took during lecture…no tech policy! 6. PLANNING MY GRAND RETURN: I am nothing if not a strong finisher. Meticulously, I will plan my return to Columbia to ensure that it is nothing but miraculous. My crush will surely be dazzled by me and realize, “Huh, this lioness, it seems I have had feelings for her all along!” BY SARAH KEANE Stable Six Ways I’m Gonna Cope With Not Seeing My Class Crush for a Week In recent years, due to an overwhelming amount of “unprecedented times” or whatever, several university administrators, including Deantini and Prezbo, have left their roles. In what the Colombia Spectador now knows is a related event, several students have recently reported hearing the chirping of several very loud birds at all hours of the day and night on College Walk. That’s right: Columbia has been turning retired administrators into birds to increase ambiance on campus. Henry Belmont (CC ‘26) first brought this issue to the Colombia Spectador: “During midterms, I was staying at Butler obscenely late. I’m talking like 2, 3, 4 o’clock in the morning, and it was always dark and bleak and quiet while I was walking back to my Wein walkthrough double—except for the birds. They were always chirping, constantly and loudly. It was almost like they were trying to get my attention. They didn’t sound like nocturnal birds, so I was confused. Then I realized that no one had seen Prezbo in a while, and then I got to searching.” Belmont says he knew his theories about the linked fates of these former administrators and yapping birds were confirmed when he climbed up into a tree by Hamilton Hall one night and saw a bird with a curious shaggy blond toupee. When reporters from the Colombia Spectador tried to meet with current administrators to get a comment for this article, the administrators all waved their hands and shouted, “scram!” while throwing what appear to be seeds. BREAKING - Retired Administrators Turned into Birds on College Walk to Increase Campus Vibes BY IZZY SZYFER Bird Whisperer Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist This past week, students hoping to cram for their second round of midterms were met with a silly surprise: the tables on the Lerner ramps were modified with wheels! The study space, known as the most popular “third choice” for students unable to find a seat in Butler or Avery, was transformed into a whirling dervish of tables and backpacks aflutter—to note: this event is not to be confused or mistaken with the recent F1 go-kart x RedBull simulator event in Diana. Students were gleeful with the opportunity to shirk their assignments and roll around the ramps for an afternoon. “I had so much fun, I barely thought about what a better use of my time could have been!” Andrew Mann, CC ‘25, told Spectador reporters. “You know, I did have a thesis chapter due today, but taking a little spin is always more important. Thanks, Columbia Administration!” another student, Grace Chen ‘24, chimed in, beaming from ear to ear. On an unrelated note, John Jay Medical Center reported a recent spike in table-related injuries during said week. An investigation is currently underway. 2024 2024

BY SILVANA GONZALEZ Style Inspo

this?

A: All I’m gonna say is, if you see me in public with the shirt you threw away 2 months ago, mind your business. As per my motto, “Finders keepers, losers weepers”.

GRACE WEINSWIG BY FENWAY DONEGAN & BAYAN SHIMIZU Style Inspo

BY SASHA MAROULIS Fit

Hiking. Tennis. Basketball. 83 other sports. This stunning course load was the work of 1974 CC graduate Shredrick Bicepian, whose actions single-handedly led Columbia to put a cap on the number of PE classes students could take. We, at the Colombia Spectador, uncovered a lost interview with Shredrick from 50 years ago: “Yeah, so basically I was a freshman and all my classes were super hard and dumb, but I took badminton and that was so light that I figured I might as well just take a bunch of PE classes to graduate.”

In the spring semester of his sophomore year, Shredrick took Contemporary Civilization and 14 PE classes. Since 1974, following Shredrick’s graduation, the University has laid down a firm limit of 4 PE classes. Still, Shredrick’s ingenious credit scheme goes down as an important part of Columbia history. Shredrick, a retired substitute middle school PE teacher, currently resides in Long Island.

PAGE 6 WEATHER APRIL 1, 2022 APRIL 1, 2022 SPORTS PAGE 7

As the Head of Public Safety, Bob Mitchell is determined to address a pressing loophole in Columbia’s Guide to Living policy: Taking everything that’s against the guidelines and putting them in a drawer or under the bed five minutes before room check. To do so, Columbia has initiated the next phase of their ongoing crackdown on student activities: Hiring a man strong enough to open the desk drawers in dorm rooms, and a man small enough to look under the beds. “We have finally conquered the twin scourges of Public Safety: drawers and beds,” declared Mitchell triumphantly. Not all students have taken kindly to this policy change, with some expressing concerns about privacy and safety violations. “What am I supposed to do if I can’t check the Guide To Living the night before, find all my illegal shit, and then put it in a desk drawer before I leave for class?” expressed a Columbia sophomore who requested anonymity. Other students point to the dangerous precedent this could set. “What’s next?” asked Mark Anderson, a senior in SEAS, “are they going to start enforcing their drinking rules? That could decimate EC.” Public Safety Hires Big Strong Guy to Open Drawers, Little Strong Guy to Look Under Beds Concentration in Philosophy? I’d Hope So! My Mother’s on Those Trolley Tracks! A man with a large top hat, pocket watch, and curly mustache was reported to have tied a woman, my mother, to train tracks using a very large rope at around 6:32 on Wednesday morning. When interviewed by police he just said, “It was either her or those ten,” while pointing to an elaborate hoard of ten individuals strapped via a ‘large rope’ and ‘TNT box’. Per Columbia College’s academic requirements for the philosophy concentration, there are only 6 classes in the department with no specific prerequisites; personally, I know I’m happy about that! If my mother’s life is going to be auctioned off at the tracks of a trolley, at least have some qualifications! Following four years of disappointing returns exacerbated by the Coronavirus pandemic, Public Safety assuaged fears of its efficiency by bringing home the bacon big time: earning twenty-two million dollars in seized contraband during its most recent all-campus room check. “Recent pushes around divestment have made us worried that Columbia may be in for some unprofitable quarters, so we’re doing everything that we can do to ensure a profit,” reported Brian Gilbert, head of CU Public Safety. “If our stock holding tanks, we can more than offset the loss by selling 1500+ bongs we have confiscated from Colubmia undergraduates.” Reports from officers on the group were even more optimistic. “We’re very happy with this year’s outcome. It’s always a little hard to sell off the narcotics, but it gets a pretty good profit considering all the money we spend on these checks,” reported an officer while he was collecting extension cords and kettles from a Wein lounge. “I’m not even sure what some of these drugs are, but if they’re good enough for these damn nepo babies, they’re going on the market,” said an officer who asked us if we were recording her, and then immediately stopped talking to us. While the resale of confiscated student items remains controversial, Columbia maintains that its policy is a key way that it gives back to the Morningside Heights community. Facebook Marketplace merchants, however, expressed concern over the imminent flood of listings to occur in mid April. “You log in one day, and suddenly you’re staring at more air conditioners, drones, coffeemakers, and ricecookers than you can imagine,” said a local Morningside Heights resident. “It’s utterly obscene. What am I supposed to do with a Golden Goose-themed grinder?” This question, and the concerns of dozens of other Morningside Heights residents, remain unanswered. Public Safety Announces $22 Million Dollar Profit From Seized Items in Annual Room Checks After a century-long residency on Columbia’s Low Steps, Alma Mater is finally being removed for renovations. Many have noticed the statue looking dull and worn from weather and excessive touching. President Shafik decided that the “Alma Makeover’’ project was urgent and necessitated significant financial resources. Set to take three months and approximately $5,000, many have expressed concern that her absence will not be well received (especially with graduation quickly approaching), as she is an important symbol of Columbia’s honor. To ease these concerns, Shafik will be replacing Alma with a cardboard cutout of actor Steve Martin. While Martin is not directly affiliated with Columbia in any way, shape, or form, he was clearly the obvious choice as a highly awarded and beloved American figure. President Shafik stated, “The Class of 2024 can look forward to taking photos with a life-sized Steve Martin this year, a figure of all the tremendous education they have received and all the joy that lies in their future.” Steve Martin Cardboard Cutout Set to Stand in for Alma Mater as She Undergoes Renovations Do’s and Don’ts for NY Summer As we all hear back from our many summer internship rejections and hopefully at least one acceptance, we begin to finalize our summer plans. In preparation for the New York internships of our dreams this summer, I have compiled a list of what to do—and not do—on your days off. You’ve been warned. Do: Tan naked in Central Park. Don’t: Wipe your butt sweat mark off the subway seat. Do: Skinny dip in the Washington Square Park fountain. Don’t: Bring a refillable water bottle—consume more plastic! Do: Specifically request to live in Brooks Hall over the summer— no AC is a cool retro vibe. Don’t: Make public tik toks anywhere pls. Do: Cover yourself in bird feed, stand in the middle of Union Square, and feed the local pigeon population. Don’t: Talk to NYU students in Washington Square Park (do I have to elaborate on this?) Do: Go to a Yankee game and cheer for the opposing team because Yankee fans love that. Don’t: Kayak for free under the Brooklyn Bridge—they will feed you to the Loch Ness monster. Do: Go to NYC public pools—they are extremely clean! Don’t: Go to Coney Island because I bought out the whole place for every single day of summer. Sorry, not sorry. SPECTADOR Looks Back on Shredrick Bicepian (CC’74): Student Who Took 86 PE Classes and Led to 4 PE Class Maximum Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor BY FENWAY DONEGAN Regular Sized Man BY ASHLEY RAPP Knows the Right Answer My Favorite Thrift Shop in Manhattan; a Q&A Q: Where is your favorite place to thrift in Manhattan for an affordable price? A: For “free ninety-nine” I source one-third of my statement pieces from the donation bin in the laundry room. Q: Wait, the nasty-ass laundry bins?! A: Yes, I do dig through the wet sheets and pitstained xxx-small office siren button-ups. Q: How do you infiltrate the bins? A: I don’t have to hijack them, they never close that shit. I let the bins get full, then I take a dive, usually between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM. Q: What’s the top 3 best finds you ever had? A: 1. Nightingale of Kuala Lumpur designed by Faisal Abdullah—retail price $30,000, it had a ketchup stain so someone threw it away. 2. Rick Owens Moncler Edition Big Rocks Boots— retail price: $1,550, the owner was furious that the shoes have laces (Velcro for life babyyyy). 3. A 2 round trip metrocard, that had one ride left—retail price: $2.90 (I was very desperate, but a free ride is a free ride…). The owner probably took an Uber after trying peasant transportation. Q: Do other people know you do

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor BY The Pink Panther BY ZOE SILVERMAN Culture Critic Olivia Ruble/Managing Editor

Artist Listen, man. I know there are a lot of auditors and GS students in my ANTH-UN3947: Text, Magic, and Performance class. But is it just me, or is that guy in the back row wearing a navy blue cloak and matching hat? And are the designs… the night sky, moving in tandem with the rotations of the Earth? His beard seems to be getting longer by the second, too. And are the many folds of his cloak concealing the hidden majesties of an invisible world? Maybe that edible I popped before class is kicking in, but I don’t know man, it’s all just a little supernatural for me. That’s not all though. The other day I looked around, and I swear I saw an old, old man in just a nightie… like a striped nightie. With one of those sleepy caps! He was just standing in the corner holding a melted candle on a chamberstick. I felt this odd desire to talk to him, and, I mean, to really get to know him and understand his outlook on life. Ask him about his past mistakes, his views on capitalistic greed, and if he knows any cold-hearted misers, or whatever. I don’t know man, maybe I just gotta stop hitting the pen before class. Is That a 70-Year-Old GS Student in My Class, or Am I Just Really High? BY ASHLEY RAPP & DANI WINKLER Mind Expanded Too Much Olivia Ruble/Managing Editor 2024 2024

Gilda Pretolani/Staff BY OLIVER GREEN My Queen

BY JAMES COPPERSMITH Knows the Right Answer

mind.”

President Shafik commented that “you students skip all your classes, yet somehow always need these study rooms, then use them to not even study. The rats’ leftover markings on the chalkboards are closer to learning than anything students are doing.”

Post-Grad Tat Recs

BY ZOE SILVERMAN Will Never Get a Tattoo

You spent the last four years studying at the number 12 ranked University in the nation! Congrats! And now you’re graduating, but how will you presumptuously let the world know what you’ve accomplished?

A tattoo is the only answer, and the Fed’s got you covered! Here are ten tattoo recommendations just for you:

1. The penis fountains. Iconic. If you really want to go for it, get one on each rib cage and let your ribs represent Low Steps –edgy and innovative!

2. Chef Mike’s portrait in a heart on your bicep. If you post it on insta and tag him you get free sandwiches for a year.

3. The Federalist logo.

4. Roaree, naked. You’re not like other girls.

5. COLUMBIA in all caps on your back like a jersey title. This one is a hit with the ladies! If you really want to spice it up add your lucky number below. 69?

6. A delicate coquette tattoo that references your favorite read from Lit Hum because unlike other students at this school, you’re a true in-

tellectual who enjoyed the Core.

7. The initials of your failed romance from freshman year. It’s ironic because you’re soooo over it.

8. The Federalist logo.

9. The sheet music of your favorite song from JJ’s. Options range from The Hills by The Weeknd to Die For You by The Weeknd.

10. The Columbia skyline to match the background of your LinkedIn. You embody Columbia.

Earlier this week, eager prospective students across the nation logged into their application portals, crossing their fingers and hoping for the best. But as they read the application status update they received, their hearts sank.

good,” read the first line. “We’ve decided we just aren’t feeling it this year.”

devastated applicants struggled to tell their parents the news, we reached out to the Columbia Admissions Office for more information. They confirmed that they “just didn’t feel like accepting people” and “decided to take a pass on the whole thing.”

they

at it, they also decided to rescind all their ED acceptances. For the first time in history, Columbia

0% acceptance

we can only

exclusivity will boost their brand.

situation,”

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get to keep our numbers up and LitHum professors get a break from freshman BS.” Speculation has already emerged about how the other Ivies will attempt to top this feat next year. Rumors suggest Yale may accept 0% of the class of 2029 and convince applicants’

schools to reject them as well, while Harvard may expel all currently enrolled students. Has Columbia revolutionized the college admissions process? We’ll just have to wait and see. “Sorry, We’re Good” – Columbia Announces an All-Time Low Acceptance Rate of 0% 80% of Room Reservations are Made by Rats It is well known among students that it is extremely difficult to reserve a room on Columbia’s campus: from Butler, to Uris, to Hamilton, to Lerner. As it turns out, this is because 80 percent of the room reservations are made by rats, and not by actual students. One math major, Lisa Rodentia, reached this conclusion while authoring her senior thesis on the statistics of common student troubles. After mustering up the bravery to burst into every room in Hamilton, interrupting several Lit Hum classes in the process, she noticed that most of the rooms only had rats in them. This led to a more thorough investigation by Columbia University Facilities, which confirmed Rodentia’s findings. When interviewed, one Facilities worker explained, “The rats are less messy than the students, so I honestly don’t

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imagine how this

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said President

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Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist Sofia DeSanto/Staff Artist Grace Weinswig/Layout Editor