The Colombia Spectador 2022

APRIL 1

COLOMBIASPECTADOR.COM Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

See ya Terminal 5: Bacchanal Board announces lastminute return to campus

BY WESLEY SCHMIDT Ticket Scalper COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY – On Thursday, March 31, the Bacchanal Board announced that there will be a last-minute change to the event’s location. Though previously scheduled to take place at Terminal 5, a concert venue downtown, tomorrow’s Bacchanal will be returning to campus.

During an interview with The Fed, Bacchanal Talent Coordinator Samuel Davis stated, “We just thought it’s really important for Bacchanal to return to what it used to be. I mean, this is the first one since 2019. We can’t be throwing it at an off-campus place that’s only for seniors. It’s supposed to bring the school together, and it can only do that in one place: campus.”

Dean of Undergraduate Student Life Cristen Kromm added, “We hear your outrage. We hear your voices.

You may not have thought we were listening. But we were. We always are.

Always. And that’s why Bacchanal will be back on-campus this year! In Postcrypt Coffeehouse.”

For those unfamiliar with the performance venue, Postcrypt

Coffeehouse is located in the lower floors of St. John’s Chapel. Though the event will now be open to nonseniors, capacity will go from 1,500 students to 50 as it is moved into a subground basement.

Additionally, due to costs associated with pulling from the Terminal 5 contract last-minute, the Bacchanal Board can no longer afford a high-profile, quality artist (which they most definitely had lined up) and the event will instead be headlined by PrezBo’s old Nickelback CD. “Look, you think it’s easy to move a concert to Low Plaza with only three weeks’ notice,” said Kromm. “It was either this or the Furnald Lounge and you just KNOW those Furnald dorks would ruin the vibe. I don’t get why you’re all so mad. Columbia’s already hard to get into, it’s only fair if the traditions are too!”

Sources indicate that, to replicate the danger of drunk-since-8am students finding their way to Midtown, private contractors have been hired to widen the gap between stairs leading to Postcrypt. CAVA has been instructed not to respond to calls.

Columbia Spectator Schisms into Spec and AltSpec Following Mask Op-Ed

BY LAUREN UNTERBERGER, MATILDA DARRAGH-FORD, & MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER Contributing Repartee In the face of the sensationalist anti-mask controversy, the Arts & Culture section of the Columbia Daily Spectator has succeeded and named themselves Alt-Spec, a newer, cooler Spec.

Attempting to model their separation after the Western Schism of 1378, Alt-Spec has been garnering allies and leadership to recognize their legitimacy as the one true Spectator of Columbia University.

There have been alerts that the Alt-Spec Columbia news organization has sent spies into other publications to, what our tech team tells us, hijack their articles, spewing pro-Alt-Spec propaganda of “how cool is that student production with of Hamlet with the hoola hoops is gonna be” into every media nook and cranny.

Columbia College Dean James Valentini to Become President of NYU

BY CORDELL SMITH & NIKHIL MEHTA Below 14th Reporters Columbia College Dean James J. Valentini, affectionately called “Deantini” by students, tweeted this morning that he has accepted a position as President of New York University (NYU), which he will begin in September after stepping down from his current position, replacing President Andrew Hamilton, who announced a surprise retirement at the same time.

“I can’t say I’m not sad to leave, but I can’t say I’m not not sad to leave,” his tweet read. While Valentini has not given a reason for his departure, a source has told the Spectador that Dean Valentini was having a hard time grappling with his apparent demotion to being a chemistry professor reportedly saying, “I’ve been Deaning

around for 11 years, but if I go back to teaching chemistry everyone’s gonna think I’m a complete nerd!” Aides of The Tini tried to reason with him, telling him to approach the situation with a “beginner’s mind” and that this new position would be the next chapter of his “Columbia College Journey™ ©.” Deantini supposedly had none of this responding, “You actually believed that crap?! Just cause Tim Duncan says something doesn’t mean it’s actually true.”

Some have speculated that Valentini’s intention in stepping down from his position was to take a leave of absence before taking over Bollinger’s position as president.

While it is unknown if a successor has been formed yet, (traditionally the successors are birthed from Alma Mater on the 17th of the fifth month of the second year of the decade), it

is rumored that this next president will in fact be the child of President Bollinger. As for Deantini’s position, a member of the replacement search committee has stated, “The hardest part of the search is evaluating whether or not candidates could fight the entirety of Columbia College in a snowball fight.”

Some have questioned how Valentini would handle questions about repeatedly referring to Columbia as the “greatest university in the greatest city in the world” in his capacity as head of another New Yorkbased institution. Our team asked several students at NYU about their opinion, though none of them had actually heard of him. The Spectador also tweeted at Valentini with this question, to which he replied, “I guess we’ll just have to find out!”

Chef Mike Put My Grandma In His Subs

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

BY EMILY OLSON & SOPHIE SIMONS Secondary Dining Correspondants It’s always “Chef Mike’s Sub Shop,” “Chef Mike’s Grandma Special,” but they don’t know the truth. He always says he got the recipe from his grandma, but he didn’t say where he got the ingredients from. Why do you think it’s called the grandma special? They can’t keep serving the special much longer; I’m sure they’re already running out.

The other day, I called my grandma to see if she needed help setting up her TV to get a live stream of the Bacchanal metaverse, and she didn’t pick up. This was extremely suspicious to me: what did she have better to do than answer me at all hours of the day? I trudged over to her apartment complex in the UES, and was shocked and repulsed at what I found. My own grandma, lying in her bed, clearly unable to pick up the phone due to her lack of fingers! Chef Mike was stuffing them in his hat like the grubby little hoarder he is.

I am calling to action that my fellow Columbia students boycott the consumption of Chef Mike’s subs and leave my grandma be.

Columbia Announces Creation of Undergraduate Business School Anonymous applying to cornell In a press release on Tuesday, Columbia announced the creation of a new business school for undergraduates to be housed in Uris Hall after the graduate school finishes its move to the “swanky” new Manhattanville campus.

Though the release did not provide many details about the new school, it did note that it would “place a special focus on training future leaders to work at the intersection between business and politics,” and that its students, while fully part of Columbia University, will “almost definitely” be exempt from the Core.

Spectador has learned that the school is planned to open in Fall 2023 in order for outgoing President Lee Bollinger to avoid controversy. The school will host around 1,000 students, some of whom may be housed in repurposed Barnard dorms.​​Though President Beilock has heard “literally nothing” about this development, the University promises that the impact will be minimal as most students are expected to be internal transfers.

“This move will help us better prepare students for the fields in which they will one day work,” Provost Mary Boyce said in the release. Though some have found the move controversial, she responded by stating that ,“the creation

of a business school for undergraduates came from pressure to better prepare students for their careers at Goldman Sachs or Morgan Stanley, allowing them to skip the dreaded ‘exploration’ stage of college.”

The move will make Columbia only the second Ivy League to house a separate undergraduate school for students focusing on business, though that figure does not include Cornell.

There is no current name for the school, but with the University courting new potential donors, it is possible we may soon have a Kushner, Sackler, or Nestlé Business School.

NEWS

OPINION

BREAKING

LETTERS

Oh good

Engaging and true

EW BWOG!

100% of Class of 2026 is from Delaware.

“Fed Is Anti-Furry because They Keep Rejecting Our Articles about Prezbo Fucking the Roaree Costume

Letter for The Feditor: Roses are red, violets I Am in Chess Club, are blue… and I Have Sex Yes, we’re an arts and culture YEAH! Tell em!

POEMS

publication too

@ColombiaSpec @CUrectum @CUSpecSports @theeyemag @columbia_federalist

CAMPUS NEWS

PAGE 2 The 99999th year of publication.

Independent since dinosaurs.

EBOARD NIKHIL MEHTA 01101110 01101101 GUSTIE OWENS Lady of Morningside AMELIA FAY Cat Woman JAYNE MAGLIOCCO Head of Connecticut ZOE DAVIDSON Magician MATT NOLA Clown-shoes purveyor GBOARD MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER Amtrak Conductor KAT CHEN Moon Denier SAM GROSSMAN Mr. Monopoly MATILDA DARRAGH-FORD Defender of the Dark Arts

Letter from the Feditors Dear Fools of April, We had planned to wrap every single one of your toilets in Saran Wrap so when you tried to pee it would just splash back at you, but unfortunately we had some environmental concerns about plastic. So instead we decided to prank you with the only thing stronger than pee: our words.

Did you think this was Spec?! HA. They would never have such inconsistent style and grammar. But rogue unjustifiable content? We get your confusion. The difference is that our publication is actually meant to be a joke.

The last time we printed a Spectador Issue was three years ago when we ran our headline “After 143 Years of Publication, The Columbia Spectator to Permanently Cease Operations.”

While readers across campus initially rejoiced at the good news that Columbia’s campus was soon to be rid of poor journalism and Op Eds featuring the worst takes, this article was also, unfortunately, a joke. This year all our amazing writers, artists, editors, and miscellaneous henchmen poured their hearts into this issue.

We hope you enjoy this amalgam of our deepest darkest thoughts from peeling oranges to furries. We deep dive into the underworld of Big Bean at Columbia. It’s hard to balance subliminal thoughts with hard hitting journalism, yet you wouldn’t be able to tell how hard it is because we do it so gracefully.

We love you, The Feditors in Chief

ZOE VOGELSANG JJs Enthusiast LILLIAN AREGAWI Influencer Influencer

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ANIQUE EDWARDS Deputy of Crochet Operations

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JULIAN GERBER Srat Star

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MEGAN MEYERSON Plum Taste Tester

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ELIZABETH MEYER Inventor of the Meyer Lemon NURASYL SHOKEYEV Little Lad PHILLIP RUDDY Mr. America Man

Board of Trustees NEIL M. T. GORSUCH Hater YOUR MOM Enough Said

Molly Durawa, Eliza Heath, Miriam Alvarez-Rosenbloom, Sophie Simons, Ava Young-Stoner, Sylvi Stein Spell Checkers

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Phillip Ruddy is a multi-lingual professional of sorts seeking an opportunity that will allow him flexibility to pursue hobbies. He is also a four-time Heights Trivia Champion.

Gustie Owens would like a job where she can engage in high levels of delegation. She intends to work full-time until she is noticed for making very good pottery.

Nikhil Mehta would like a job that suits his prime working hours from 3 PM - 5 PM, then again from 9 PM - 2 AM. Nap break from 5 9 PM non-negotiable.

Nurasyl Shokeyev can juggle many complicated tasks, a skill that he learned from juggler James Harrison.

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1 The ancient form of sending screenshots 5 The NYTimes crossword spells this so many ways idek whats what!

9 “Would you rather give up ____ or cheese?”

10 Bonkers party

11 Handy-dandy dishwashing tool, worst smell known to man 13 Downtown locale of clubs, where many post-grads will use their parents money to pay rent 14 Edgy 15 Play hooky

19 Component of foot pics 20 Farm sound 21 Sounds like Booty Call, but actually totally different meaning 24 Coffee pass supplier, rarely has ice or milk 25 Honest guys 26 Open 27 “Goodness gracious!”

Down

1 Frequent dining hall offering, mentioned on page 6 2 “Schitt’s _____” 3 Pet watcher, for Garfield perhaps!

4 Sneaky-links, for short (ok fine we made this one up) 5 Pester online 6 Song whose subject is encouraged to “hurry down the chimney tonight” 7 Ballpark fig.

8 Recycled Elevator Engineers, for short 12 Acted antsy 16 Our type of humor 17 Witch trial town 18 Cheeky sassy 21 Warning on some waterbottles 22 Providence Uni 23 “... think, therefore ___”

SPECTADOR CLASSIFIEDS

Staff

Danielle Odigie, Dani Rivera, Olivia Ruble, Prisha Samdarshi, Zoe Vogelsang, Allison Zhang Vatican Painters

6

16

Across

OBAMA Chief Obama Officer

Juliette Bellinson, Ilan Cohen, Matilda Darragh-Ford, Sophia DiPietro, Molly Durawa, Dessa Gerger, Sloane Goldberg, Eliza Heath, Blake Jones, Andrew Kirdahy, Yoni Kurtz, Thaddeus Lipke, Dahlia Low, Alex Malamud, Sofie Matson, Max Monical, Sofia Pirri, Dani Rivera, Olivia Ruble, Ava Sanjabi, Dahlia Soussan, Emma Sullaway, Sylvi Stein, Clay Seliga, Benjamin Scherzer, Sophie Simons, Izzy Szyfer, Baha Topbas, Grace Weinswig Trench People

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Emily Olson is qualified, capable and qualified. Her qualifications include this quality.

She can identify British accents.

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ANJALI RAMAKRISHNAN Composter

WESLEY SCHMIDT Muffin Man

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MARY SCHAUF Cookie Baker

Elizabeth Meyer can read fast but not far and run far but not fast.

CROSSWORD

CLAIRE PONNAIYA Spiny Sea Urchin

EMILY OLSON Bacchanal Snub

Would you like to employ one of our currently unemployed graduating seniors?

Mary Schauf is no longer allowed in Applebees.

LAUREN UNTERBERGER Spec-trash talker

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APRIL 1, 2022

Seeking Coat stolen from EC party ID of someone who looks like my significant other. As long as they can pass as you in a hoodie and cap.

Dog to be walked Ecoreps mini fridge Chef Mike Sub’s Shop Shirt Chef Mike Shrooms for Bacchanal Someone who can tell me what I though about this book I just read People to create drama that I can talk to my parents about so they think I have a social

Jobs Hiring

Items for Sale

Someone, anyone to write my thesis (can’t pay that much)

1 Bacchanal Ticket (looking for around $1000)

Someone to smoke with me outside of butler

Leasing my John Jay chair

I have remote job. Pays $350 dollars per day.

EASY. You must be TRUSTWORTHY and HARDWORKING.

A stolen coat from an EC party: now that its April I no longer have a need for it. Next year I’ll just take someone else’s

Dog Walker: Pays minimum wage. Qualifications: should have PhD in Kanine Studies, 5+ references from other dogs

1 Ticket to Graduation

Counterfeit New Yorker tote bag manufacturer Personal Seat Reserver at Faculty House.

Benefits: FREE SALMON! Someone who looks just like me to tell my parents how I did on midterms. Will pay extra if you can get them to never ask me this question again.

Used septum ring found outside of Barnard. Condition: two boogers attack My old fake ID (doesnt scan) St A’s Membership

HARD-HITTING NEWS

APRIL 1, 2022

PAGE 3

“Women don’t deserve to pee:” An Interview with the Creative Mind Behind Hamilton Hall

BY SOPHIE SIMON & EMILY OLSON Hold it Could you introduce yourself to our readers?

Sure! My name is McKim. You may recognize my name from the famous architecture trio, McKim, Mead, and White.

That’s awesome!

Do you?

Do I—what?

Recognize my name.

Uh…no, sorry.

Oh. [silence] So, tell me about the building. Where did it get its name? It’s so unique!

What? [pause] It’s based on…Alexander Hamilton. You know. Hamilton? [pause] First US Treasury Secretary and founder of the National Bank?

Sorry, never heard of him.

Anyway… so you named the building after a friend or something?

Cool.

What? No, not a friend.

He was alive like hundreds of years before I built this.

Got it. I’m bad with centuries, haha! So what was the inspiration for this building?

Honestly, I just wanted a central space for the community. I specifically envisioned a space with tons of classrooms that theater groups can co-opt and steal for late-night rehearsals when they can’t book actual theater spaces, or even the Math building. But really, I think the most revolutionary part was the bathrooms.

What do you mean?

Well, we were dealing with some pretty intense pushback on our decision to have two bathrooms on each floor for Hamilton back

in 1907. I remember sitting in Milstein with Mead and White, trying to figure out what to do, and then it hit us: women don’t deserve to pee.

Wait, sorry, what did you just say?

I mean, it came to us like an avalanche: women don’t deserve to pee. It’s not that they don’t need to or don’t want to, because they do.

But the reason we took out the bathrooms was a simple question of merit: because women are the weaker sex, they should have to walk up or down at least 47 individual stairs to get the privilege of using the bathroom.

Are you trying to tell me that you don’t think women should have the right to use the bathroom?

I’m so impressed that you’re understanding this so quickly! Yes, yes, that’s exactly what I mean!

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist What about other uses for the bathroom? Number 2, etc?

Oh, women don’t do that. They only pee, which they don’t even deserve to!

Oh. As a woman, to be honest, I like having equal access to fundamental human needs.

Maybe that’s just me.

That’s what makes Hamilton Hall so special to us, actually. We know that women like to urinate.

Frankly, we relish the idea

of a woman standing outside a stall, banging on the door, with her legs crossed a little too tightly. The fact that they like it so much makes it even more thrilling that they can’t!

So, you seem to be a sort of masochist when it comes to women peeing?

Yes, or as we like to call it, masopisst.

Sophie Simons is a freshman studying disruption of peace in modern day grocery stores.

She has interviewed Columbia graduates such as Jason Everhart (Nirvana), Amelia Earheart (Bermuda Triangle), and Roaree (the Lion).

Emily Olson is most often Sophie’s life coach.

Help: I Found Out Someone in My Housing Group Is a Brony and It’s Too Late

BY EMILY OLSON Kinda likes it Everything seemed fine at first. We made our group chat, and my phone suggested that I update her contact picture to

her pre-selected image of Twilight Sparkle. I ignored it, and we talked logistics. She was really pushing for us to live in Broadway because of how extensive their shelving units are, which would leave “plenty of room for her

collection.”

Then, things started to get weird. I caught her looking at Hot Topic’s website during a lecture, and she added a My Little Pony t-shirt to her shopping cart. I watched as she inputted the code

“BRONY20” for a discount.

Finally, I sat in horror as she pulled open Tumblr, in the year 2022, to her blog entitled “broniesbeforehoe-nies.” I was too aghast to say anything, so I decided to confront her after class. As we

left Fayerweather, I grabbed her by her “I <3 boobies” bracelet, yanked her aside to the side, and said, “I know what you are.”

She played dumb at first, at least until I gave her a wedgie.

Her Pinkie Pie underwear

poked out above her belt.

She begged that I didn’t tell anyone, to which I promised my silence. However, we’ve already submitted our housing request. I’m lost, I’m stuck, and I’m desolate.

Bwog changes name to “Southern Democratic Republicans” in attempt to oppose The Fed more effectively

BY JULIETTE BELLINSON & MOLLY BYNUM Spies

In a sensationalist attempt to stay relevant, the rival magazine to the Coulmbia Federalist has just announced a change in name to become “Southern Democratic Republicans,” the oppositional party to the

Sophie Simons/Staff Artist

Federalists from 1791-1824.

Our surveys imply that students definitely give any shits. When asked his opinion of the shift, the statue of Alexander Hamilton outside of Hamilton Hall gave no comment, but his slight Florence Pugh-esque frown spoke volumes.

OPINION: I’m an Environmentalist. Here’s Why I Think the Boba Straws in Café East Should Always Be Plastic.

BY AVA YOUNG-STONER Hates Turtles After months of denying myself the pleasure of recklessly spending dining dollars and joining the ranks of those who eat more than black bean burgers or whatever meal of the day offered at John Jay et al., I’ve allowed myself to grow—to nutritionally flourish. I drink the watery coffee from Blue Java instead of the watery coffee from Ferris. I eat cubed fruit from Location A instead

of Location B. But most importantly, I drink—no, I chug—the passion fruit black tea with boba from Café East.

The drink is slippery and cold. Its quality, like its price, is unwaveringly high. Even so, I look past my beverage’s mild flaws to appreciate the luxury that I feel while holding it and sauntering around the maximum three campus locations I visit per day. The one thing that I cannot make peace with, though, are the days where the available boba straws are made of paper.

On these traumatic days, the drink becomes almost undrinkable… thus ruining the purpose of being a drink!

The paper of the straw disintegrates upon the front of my teeth, the delicious tapioca pearls become tainted with pulp, and the seven dollars taken from my student account becomes a nagging disappointment. I don’t care about the turtles anymore. If they want to get straws stuck in their reptilian orifices, that can be their problem now—turtles need to take

responsibility for once.

I should not be punished for wanting boba and wanting a plastic straw. The climate is in shambles enough for Columbia to create a climate school, so I’ll let them solve the weather problems or whatever from here. Until I see turtles joining the economy, wearing tiny turtle suits, and going to turtle work, I won’t stop on my straw crusade.

The climate can wait, but my comfort while drinking tea cannot.

AD

OBITUARIES

PAGE 4

APRIL 1, 2022

Diversity Win! 100 percent of the Columbia Class of 2026 is from Delaware The Federalist would like to extend a warm, clammy welcome to the Columbia class of 2026! Columbia Undergraduate Admissions have just released stats for the incoming class which reveal some exciting new trends in undergraduate enrollment. In line with the recent focus on greater diversity in admissions, Admissions has to take a new approach this year: 100 percent

of the class is from Delaware!

In a statement, Head of Admissions Jessica Marinaccio was quoted as saying, “Yeah, ever since they got rid of test scores, we’ve decided on a new plan: only consider applicants from Delaware. Why Delaware?

Well, after doing extensive research and crunching the numbers on the most efficient way to holistically consider an ever-growing population of— nah, I’m just fucking with you.

We just thought it would be a funny little goof.”

The class this year is also 80 percent virgins. Miller Marinaccio: “To clarify, that percentage is not proportional to the population of Delaware, just to the population of Columbia applicants.” In addition, Admissions reports that the class is made up of 15 percent Irish dancers, and 85 percent of Early Decisions admits stated that their main reason for choosing Columbia was because of their passion for collegiate football.

Sophie Simons/Staff Artist

BY ELIZA HEATH Not Lauren

Lauren Unterberger, Matilda Darragh-Ford, and Mollie Schmidtberger

Inspiring: Student Actually Goes to Meeting for Club That’s Been Emailing Them Nonstop Since September

BY MOLLY DURAWA Unsubscribed SCHERMERHORN HALL — After receiving what felt like daily emails from the board, Ella Cooper, CC’25, finally attended an EcoReps meeting.

Despite having a background in environmental activism, Cooper had no interest in continuing this work at Columbia. “Yeah, I was the president of an environmental club at my high school, but

that was just resume padding for college. I don’t actually, like, care about the environment,” said Cooper.

Cooper signed up for the club because she had accidentally made eye contact with someone manning the EcoReps table at the club fair.

“By the time I had realized my mistake, it was already too late. When they looked me right in the eye and said, ‘Hey! Are you interested in EcoReps,’ I knew I couldn’t leave.”

Cooper told our reporters that she was disappointed by the lack of free tote bags at the meeting. “I have an exam tomorrow, but if I’m asked to choose between studying and a free tote bag, I’ll choose the tote bag every time. If I had known the meeting was just going to be an hour of arguing about single-use plastics—and no tote bag—I would have stayed home and studied.”

BREAKING: Barnard Mascs Against Mask Mandate IT’S FINE WE’RE GAY

BY LAUREN UNTERBERGER, MATILDA DARRAGH-FORD, & MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER Not All Barnard Students though...

Here at the Spectador, we have received news that the

Barnard Masc community is planning a demonstration in support of Columbia’s repeal of the mask mandate appeal.

However, this demonstration has nothing to do with COVID-19. The head of the movement, a butch lesbi-

an named Tamara, released a statement explaining the group’s motivations. Tamara wrote, “We Barnard mascs have suffered for too long.

When we wear a mask, no one can see when we make the lip-bite fuckboy face. This

is our primary weapon and we feel crippled and lost without it. We cannot go back to that dark, dark time. Let us show our true expression.” Here at the Spec, we simply hope that this mask on mascmasc on mask crime doesn’t esca-

late into a performance art demonstration on the quad as we only have 10 minutes to get from our CC class in Hamilton to a Playwriting class in Diana and frankly we already have trouble quickly circumnavigating the groups

of distractingly hot mascs that walk four abreast down the path.

“We Just Hate Women,” Barnard Dining Says to Complainers

BY ZOE VOGELSANG & GUSTIE OWENS On Commuter Plan “Whiner, whiner, chicken diner,” Barnard Dining representatives said in response to The Fed’s attempt to get an interview about recent complaints from Barnard students about their dining hall hours, calorie counts, food portions, and more.

By 5:20 p.m., Diana Center Cafe had reportedly run out of chicken, beef, ramen, pizza crusts, taco shells, tortillas, and kombucha. When asked, a representative of Barnard

Dining said that there were still “plenty of options,” such as “mushroom pizza topping and sour cream.”

When asked why a first-year was spotted slurping sour cream from her bare hands, the Barnard Dining representative responded, “We want Barnard students to have to get their steps in.

Every day, we are going to hide the silverware dispensers in a NEW location, and Barnard students will have to scramble like little hamsters to eat their little gerbil food.”

The Fed gained access to an

email chain in which Furman Counseling staff expressed concern that Barnard seniors on the 400-point commuter plan are literally vibrating as

to be shitting their pants!”

The shaking seniors complained that their steady peers at Columbia can not only spend their dining points

“We want them to be shitting their pants!” their dining dollars can only get them large iced oat vanilla lattes from Peet’s Coffee and Liz’s Place. In response, the Barnard Dining Director said, “Just shaking? We want them

on food around Columbia’s campus, but they can also spend their Flex dollars at tons of independent food places near campus and even local businesses like the

University Hardware store.

“Women certainly shouldn’t shop at a hardware store. Imagine if women started going to university hardware stores,” Barnard Dining’s rep said. “One day they’ll be all nice; the next, they’ll come home with power tools, nails, and Michelle Obama socks. What’s next? A copy of Betty Friedan’s ‘The Feminine Mystique’?!”

Barnard students at this point were becoming infuriated with the lack of sensitivity and respect from Dining, citing how ridiculous

it was that Barnard Dining displays calorie counts and Columbia Dining doesn’t.

“It’s the final straw,” one sophomore said.

“No, you have to ask for straws,” the Dining rep responded when we read her that quote.

Update: In response to complaints from students regarding Hewitt’s limited hours, they’ve decided to offer revised hours.

See Revised Hours on Page 7.

PERSONALS

APRIL 1, 2022

PAGE 5

Letter to the Feditor: You Can Take Away the Mask Mandate, but You Can Never Take Away My Missing ReopenCU Daily Attestation

Sophie Simons/Staff Artist

BY FENWAY DONEGAN Non-compliant Listen up, Columbia: you’ve finally gone too far.

First, you delay the booster mandate to “better reflect New York City’s COVID-19 policy.” Next, you end the voluntary testing program, telling me to (ugh) leave campus if I want a PCR test. Then, you ended the mask mandate, which at least has given me a new conversation opener besides, “Did you know I was the president of the Speech and

Debate Club in high school?”

But now, you’re telling me that the Daily Attestation is no longer required? I won’t stand for this.

It’s become an essential part of my routine, as it’s the first thing that I forget to do every morning. The dopamine that runs through my body every time I receive my Symptom Attestation notification can offset endless hours of stressing in Butler.

Oh, you think it’ll be easier to get into buildings, because people won’t have to worry

that their cards won’t scan?

Well, I wouldn’t trade the friends I’ve made while awkwardly stepping out of line for the Lerner Turnstiles for the world. The Missing ReopenCU emails are the one constant left in my life. The piercing shriek every time I scan my card 4 times without filling out my Daily Attestation reminds me that I am alive. If you take this away, I’ll be forced to complain to my parents, and then you’ll be sorry.

Help! Am I Just Having a Migraine or Am I About to Give Birth to Athena?!

BY AMELIA FAY Midol Idol Pounding headache.

Blurry vision. Nausea. Sensitivity to light. Oh, wise sage of the 104th street CityMD, help me get to the bottom of this. For I hath just returned emptyhanded from an hourslong quest through the barren wasteland of WebMD, and I long to cast off this smarting yoke!

Why doth my noggin pain me so? I reposed a full four hours and drank a pint of well water; that is to say I am in perfect health. I

Molly Durawa/Staff Artist

begin to wonder if this is no earthly plague, but rather the schemes of a D-list deity.

Oh, CityMD savant, doth thy otoscope reveal any tricky Titans concealed in my cranium?

Hear ye, hear ye, meddling Metis—I have an essay to write! Release me from this agony! Quick, call on Hephaestus and his mighty hammer, so that he might free me and thy daughter from this prison. CityMD wizard, might thy recommend a subreddit for new mothers?

MAD LIB

by Emma Sullaway

Letter to the Feditor: Masks Are a Damn (noun) , Dr. Fauci (verb)-ed Us All

Did you forget to take your yearbook photo? Chose from one of these and email yrbook4life@ columbia.edu a

Dear Feditor, We made it! Today marks two years since the beginning of the______ (noun). ______ (proper noun) have mercy on us all. Some may say this time has been a trip from _____(noun), others say a(n) ______(noun) sent from heaven. For many of us, it has given us time to learn how to ______ (verb), and holy______(noun), look how far we’ve come! It seems like just yesterday that we were in our ______(number) year of ____________ (college, high school, …middle school?). Now, we are ______(adverb) making it through college. Well, here’s to the next two years of our ______ (noun) ______(expletive) lives. And, ______(spiritual being’s name) bless Dr. Fauci; we all owe him a(n) ______(noun).

c

Yours truly, [Fill in your name]

Word Bank saved fucked The Panini Penguins of- Madagascar dance

b

Hell barely acid trip 13 blessing beer

Harry Styles guacamole Lord successfully shit

WEATHER

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EXCLUSIVE: JJ’s to Only Serve Beans from Here on Out

BY MATT NOLA & NIKHIL MEHTA Back Again JJ’s Place––As of April, JJ’s Place will only be serving beans henceforth. This move is projected to drastically decrease wait times and lines within the dining hall, especially the burger line, the quesadilla line, and the fried food line, which will now all exclusively serve beans. The beans may be different on different days, but they will always be beans. This is a developing story; please check back later for updates online.

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

APRIL 1, 2022

Op- Ed: Is JJ’s In the Pocket of Big Bean?

BY MATT NOLA & NIKHIL MEHTA Corrupt As you may have heard from The Fed’s “Exclusive: JJ’s to Only Serve Bean’s From Here on Out,” JJ’s will only be serving beans from here on out. This timing is incredibly suspicious as Vicki Dune, head of Columbia Dining, has recently been elected as the chair of the executive board of the National Bean Association (NBA) (whose motto is, strangely, “For the promotion of beans across the American

heartland.”) As a concerned reader, I am really concerned about this. JJ’s always had those weird one-off dishes next to the burgers like chili and sometimes even beans, but this is a step too far. We should ask ourselves what’s next—beans in John Jay? Beans in Ferris? Beans in our beloved Sub Shop? Where do we draw the line? I am asking all readers to call upon Vicki Dune to answer for this blatant criminal act and step down from the NBA. Thank you for your time.

BEAN BONANZA: Vicki Dune, Head of Columbia Dining, Responds Amidst Allegations of Big Beaning

BY VICKI DUNE chair thief

ing ‘full bean.’ For the time being, JJ’s will continue to

By invitation, Vicki Dune

serve celery and lettuce in the

writes for The Fed to respond to

back. Also, we will still have

allegations surrounding the re-

pita chips.

cent bean takeover in JJ’s.

But it is true that JJ’s will be featuring a bean-based menu from now on. Beans are

ed as The Big Beanie on the

good for you. They’re good

National Bean Association,

for me. And they’re good for

am writing to address reader’s

us all. For more, I direct you

concerns about the supposed

to my website beansforteens.

“Big Bean” bean takeover in

com.

JJs’ place.

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

I, Vicki Dune, newly elect-

Eat up motherfuckers.

First of all, I want to stress that JJs place will not be go-

What More Could a Boy Want than a Potato Bowl?

BY NIKHIL MEHTA & MATT NOLA

Do they ever eat off campus

Our Dining Correspondents Swoon for Diana’s New Potato Bowls after Finding a Golden Ticket to Billy Bonka’s Potato Palace BOISE, IDAHO—Dear reader, we humbly raise you the question: What more could a boy want than a potato bowl? Nay, what more could a boy need than a potato bowl? The variety of the potato bowl is practically

limitless. A single potato in a bowl? Possible. A potato in a bowl with a protein? Also possible. A bowl without a potato in it whatsoever?

Still very possible, and still a potato bowl. Everything can be a potato bowl, if you just imagine it. And that is the beauty of the potato bowl—it cultivates that most quintessentially divine trait of humankind: the imagination.

The blessed nature of the potato bowl truly only graced our minds after we were introduced to the very man from whose mind this creation sprung: Billy Bonka.

Wishing to spread the good news of his potato bowl, he included golden tickets in random bowls served around the Diana Cafe, and we, the dining correspondents for The Federalist, were lucky enough to be chosen by fate to visit his storied Potato Palace in the capital city of the world’s most illustrious producer of potatoes: Idaho.

Walking through the halls of the Palace, decorated with dozens of potato still-life paintings and potato portraiture, Billy Bonka revealed his secrets to us. “When I came up with the idea for the

potato bowl,” he reminisced, “I thought to myself, ‘What’s the most ridiculous fucking thing that you could make with a potato?’ And thence arose the potato bowl. It feels just like yesterday, but it was really last week. Time flies by fast when you’re thinking about potatoes.”

As of press time, we still have not returned from the Potato Palace, and, frankly, we’re not sure if we wish to.

Op-Ed: Let Me Add Your Baby on LinkedIn

BY ILAN COHEN, IZZY SZYFER & JAMES POLHEMUS Seeking Employment Look. I’ve been babysitting your three-year old for a solid five months now. I know he’s already worked so hard to secure a spot at Wharton in 15 years. He has so much potential and unparalleled insights into the field that I, unfortunately, do not. So let’s touch base about bringing our little Jeremy into the 21st century.

I know that you’ve already made a LinkedIn account for Jeremy. It was part of his of-

ficial birth announcement. So please, add me on it. I know that it’s in use, based on the fact that he commented, “Congratulations! Well deserved!” on the post detailing your latest promotion. I’ve already helped him go potty, and have provided consistent sources of refined culture for him, like a privatized PBS Kids.

According to my insights, I’ve had 58 profile views this past week. What if I told you 53 of them were Muppets and one has the job title “Business Owner.” Now what if I

told you the other four were people from my high school.

Pretty respectable, right?

Your son will be more successful and connected than I will ever be. I have never met a child whose toy car INCREASES in value after purchase. That is literally not how economics works, I think. Either way, pleeeasseeeee let me leverage this.

Your son has been the bane of my existence, and hopefully, he can also alert Bain Capital of my existence.

I look forward to your speedy response.

Nikhil Mehta / Feditor-in-Chief

SPORTS

APRIL 1, 2022

Op-Ed: Fed is Anti-Furry for Rejecting Our Articles About Prezbo Fucking the Roar-ee Costume

BY LAUREN UNTERBERGER, MATILDA DARRAGH-FORD, & MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER Shenans-in-chief The Fed does not believe that the male G-spot is real.

And, frankly, it makes us sick.

For too long, The Fed has routinely rejected our articles about hot, graphic,

furry, penetrative sex.

When we joined this famed institution, we were under the erroneous assumption that our rights to free speech would be protected, nay, championed through our literary work; for the leader of this school himself is a scholar of free speech, and we featured him in our articles to honor to the core of his work.

But, no! Every article

about hot, graphic, sexy sex is rejected! You know, dear reader, the tail-on-tail kind.

Alas, last night, a text from the Feditor-in-Chief came in, saying, “I know that we published all of those articles you guys wrote about sexy M&M’s and kinky cereal, but this just a few [Low] steps too far.”

We are truly upset by this newfound revelation. In retrospect, it may have been

PAGE 7

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the whole bestiality-roleplay thing that they had a problem with, but thanks to all our time in Freedom of Speech and Press with Prezbo last semester, we know we can’t back down when it comes to respecting free speech of the booty.

Note: We would like to clarify that no one’s in there; it’s just the costume.

Letter to the Feditor: I am in Chess Club and I Have Sex

BY PAWNWRECKER01 not anon

Amid recent allegations, I felt the need to set the record straight. I am an active member of Chess Club who is especially succesful in my sexual endeavors. I am both incredibly intelligent, due to regular engagement with strategic mental combat, and astonishingly alluring, due to devilishly good looks and suave demeanor.

I walk into class each day

confident that I have had more sex than any of my peers.

I truly believe chess players have a certain innate erotic energy that is only attainable when you have played as many games as I have. I am always planning my next move, which makes me smooth when flirting. My thorough understanding of each piece on the board translates surprisingly well to the human body (I would love to provide details, but

I never kiss and tell).

I am the Grandmaster of Chess and Sex. Have you ever seen a Chess Grandmaster? Look it up. You’re telling me you don’t want to drop it all right then and there for someone like that? I know you are thinking, how will I ever be as good at sex as this anonymous chess player?

My answer: You won’t. But you can play chess, which may make you feel a little better.

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

Ghostwritten by the following scribes of the House Fed: Lauren Unterberger, Matilda Darragh-Ford, and Mollie Schmidtberger For too many years, our factions have warred.

Too much blood and ink havehas been spilledspilt in the still indeterminéd conflict of whose words truly capture the heart and spirit of our fair University.

To that, we wish to extend an olive branch.

We propose the marriage of submissions and video editor, Lauren Unterberger, to any and all members of Spec. We are not picky. One writer, all the writers, we really could care less. Please God. We don’t care, just get her outta here.

Such a union would melt aged malice into matrimony, and unite our two great kingdoms into one.

But just as we know that marriage is a business contract, we recognize the house of Spec to be wise and savvy.

•

We offer:

Lauren • A silly lad (virgin) • Her feminine birthing hips and birth-giving years (solid 5-8?)

• Mediocre Google Suite proficiency

•

Access to a few of her most prized possessions • An 11 inch, 2013 Macbook (dirty with a stuck “p” key) • Cardboard cutout of Prezbo head (currently lost - last seen in Lerner Blackbox) • Snuggie • Fewer articles about how Spec writers are geekazoids from planet loser

• • • •

We receive:

Silence for fucks sake Peace betwixt our warring factions A more harmonious journalistic community at Columbia University No more mask op-eds please

Should these terms be to your liking, meet at the Sundial, April 10th at sunset to greet your bride*.

There will be light refreshments provided.

May God bless you, Countess Gustie and Marquess Nikhil of House Fed *we doing this roman catholic style, no divorce babyyyyy (but we still gay)

If 1,000 People Read this Issue, We WILL Change Prezbo’s Sheets

BY LAUREN UNTERBERGER, MATILDA DARRAGH-FORD, & MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER #TIDEPARTNERS You heard it here first, folks. If enough people get their wet, wet eyeballs on these dry, dry papers, we are going to politely knock on the door of The Mansion with a fresh pair of sheets (clean, California king – Prezbo

likey a big ol’ bed). Should he let us in (and oh boy, we hope he does), we are making a move to the bedroom: nothing sexual, unless he initiates. Then we are getting our tiny, tiny hands all over that bed and stealing his stinky, stinky sheets, AND PUTTING THEM IN THE STINKY SHEET TRASH. Once they are replaced, who knows what’ll happen in the bedroom.

from BARNARD DINING In response to complaints from students regarding Hewitt’s limited hours, we’ve decided to offer revised hours.

Mon: 3:45 a.m. - 5:00 a.m.

Tues: 8:00 a.m. - 7:00 a.m.

Wed-Thurs: Closed for the Sabbath Fri: 8:00 a.m. - 4:19 p.m., 4:21p.m. - 6:00 p.m.

Sat-Sun: 12:33 p.m. - 12:34 p.m.

Mollie Schmidtberger/Head Copy

To the honorable Lords and Ladies of the house of the Columbia Spectator,

LAST CALL

PAGE 8

APRIL 1, 2022

poetry corner GS Launches Non-Vet “Oyster Bar” “This Support Network

BY BENJAMIN SCHERZER GS Correspondent Dean of Columbia’s School of General Studies, Lisa Rosen-Metsch, announced a new program to support those who feel out of place on campus due to their lack of military experience. Modeled after CU Milvets, CU Nonvets offers a wide range of services to all six students who are in GS for other reasons.

One of the Nonvets initiatives shares a

names with Milvets one: “Center for Veteran Transition and Integration.” It teaches people to transition and integrate into veteran culture and social circles, with tactful methods such as working out in camo pants and boots.

CU Nonvets is also open to veterans of foreign nations who cannot disclose their military service because they were on the wrong side.

Ball of Legs” so much depends on this ball of legs statuesque, black and blue in front of the law Library

-Sophie Simons Pulitzer Prize Wanter

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

Hipster Man at Farmers Market Swears His Baguette Is the Perfect Size LAUREN UNTERBERGER, MATILDA DARRAGH-FORD, AND MOLLIE SCHMIDTBERGER

Occasional Food Contributors Here at the Thursday Broadway farmers market, we meet Jason Sanderson, a mustached, beanie-endowed, self-proclaimed “hipster.” We were able to talk with him about a conversation he had with his girlfriend (who preferred to remain anonymous) just moments before our interaction. Sanderson claimed he had been at the stand with his girlfriend admiring the sweet, juicy peaches when she noticed the baguette that he was holding. She then told Sanderson that the baguette was too small for the picnic that they were planning.

“At first, I was confused,” Sanderson said, “because no one has ever called my baguette

small. It took me a long time to even figure out what she was on about. And by ‘a long time,’ I mean a lonnnnng time—like 47 seconds.”

We asked Sanderson how he responded to his girlfriend’s slanderous attack. Sanderson told us he simply informed her that “it is actually very average” and continued by stating that “no one has ever complained before, and actually, all of my past girlfriends said it was the perfect size.”

When we asked Sanderson how big his baguette really was, he told us, with a proud and knowing smile, “Six inches.” When we showed him a carrot that we had confirmed to be five and a half inches, he erroneously identified it as “almost eight inches,” so we cannot confirm the accuracy of his report.

cut along the dotted line and mail to the FED

QUIZ: WHAT DOES YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER SAY ABOUT YOU? QUESTION 1: What is the first digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 2: What is the second digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 3: What is the third digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 4: What is the fourth digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 5: What is the fifth digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 6: What is the sixth digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 7: What is the seventh digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 8: What is the eigth digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 QUESTION 9: What is the ninth digit? circle 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 We will write to you soon with the results!!

SpecSports we’re back! and we’ve ranked the sports. all of them.

1. Basketball 2. Spike ball 3. Digesting really heavy meals 4. Water bottle flipping 5. Student theater 6. Knox hall classes 7. Swimming 8. Sweating 9. Anxiety 10. Soccer

help! we’ve been demoted to this tiny corner :(!

Pink Gloop I consume Silvery slither meets slight salt sand sensation Immediate urge To remove from mouth presto cartilage matter It must go down now No weakness in here, Server stares intently now “You pleb” he must think No respect for the fine goo Weirdly stuck to shell Drench in sweet liquid To remove putrid flavor 5 further to go - Carl Bock, also a good poet

Breaking: Nipple Piercing Colder Now

BY GUSTIE OWENS good not great With the winter chill just barely leaving, Ryanne Orblach applied a poetic simile to her painful predicament; “It feels as if someone were to stab a frozen metal rod into the most sensitive part of your body.”

When asked to elaborate on the pain, Ryanne shared a few more carefully chosen examples.

“Imagine a tiny metal toothpick, and now shove it through the most sensitive part of

your body.”

“Okay so close your eyes. And picture having an icicle shooting through you. And where is it? The most sensitive part of your body.”

“Okay so present you’re at the gym. But actually it’s a hamster gym so everything is teeny tiny. And then grab a hamster barbell and stick it through the most sensitive part of your body and then it’s just there forever….”

Op-Ed: My Boyfriend Claims He’s a Feminist, but He Won’t Peel My Oranges For Me ELIZABETH MEYER Non-Fiction Writer My boyfriend cooks for me, my boyfriend cleans for me. My boyfriend was a proud and active member of his all-boy’s-school’s feminist club! My boyfriend went to business school. My boyfriend quit finance to make more space for women in the field.

When it comes to the lady’s cause, my boyfriend gets it. He’s up front and center with his pussy hat proudly perched atop his head.

My boyfriend has a sister! (And a mother!)

He bought a GPS specifically for locating the clitoris. I love my boyfriend, and my boyfriend loves women.

There is one small hitch in boyfriend’s feminism. The downfall to his allyship, perhaps, the key to his toxicity; my boyfriend won’t peel oranges for me. My boyfriend says I’m perfectly capable of peeling oranges myself. My boyfriend doesn’t understand that

his big, strong fingers are required for the orange peeling task. My boyfriend makes me idle away at peeling tangerines and sumos, mandarines and navels. Valencias and cara caras. My fingers bleed, my fingertips have rubbed off completely. Still, my boyfriend refuses to aid in the cause.

My boyfriend peels his own oranges, but he won’t peel my oranges for me. My boyfriend doesn’t understand the female plight of orange peeling, how it consumes me, steals time from my critical feminist thought and radical feminist being. My boyfriend says I am strong, but I am not that strong. Quite honestly, I’d prefer if my boyfriend peeled my oranges more efficiently than he pleasured me – I have a vibrator for that (that’s true feminism).