Bacchanal’s 48-Hour Prior COVID Testing Policy Prevents Hundreds of Students From Attending
BY XAVIER M. STILES
With Bacchanal less than a day away, the late reminder that students must submit a negative COVID-19 test to Eventbrite at least 48 hours before the festival has left hundreds of students barred from being able to attend. “Bacchanal 2020 was canceled, Bacchanal 2021 was online, 2022 was at Terminal 5— is it really surprising that, given we’re on campus this year, we just ask that you don’t have COVID?” G-Board member Viola Solo, CC’23 asked the Spectador
While the safety change was likely not surprising to the majority of students, those left out of the loop on the COVID policy had some heated opinions. “I can’t believe they would do this to us! Why was the mandate not mentioned during ticket sales?” Joy Kil, CC ‘25, demanded. “I’m starting to think they really don’t want people to cram onto Low Beach to
Ferris Dining Hall No Longer Serving Desserts, Case Purely for Display
BY SYLVI STEIN Tri-Color Cheesecake Fan
Much to the dismay of countless students, Columbia Dining has just announced that Ferris Booth Commons will no longer be serving their classic cheesecakes, cookies, cupcakes, and handfuls of soggy berries alongside meals. “We are proud to announce a new policy that will keep our dining displays fully functional for any prospective parents who happen to be on a tour—Ferris Dining Hall will be displaying an entirely new range of beautiful desserts, but no one is allowed to eat them,” Columbia Dining explained in their newsletter. “We’re talking an utterly gorgeous display with creme brulees, gold-leaf cupcakes, full wedding cakes, and much more. You greedy little students aren’t allowed to try anything, but you can stare through the glass.” When asked to comment, the Dining reps just shrugged and said, “If you really want something sweet, go use the fully-functional milkshake machines at JJs.”
see a D-list celebrity.”
While many students complain that the Bacchanal Board was not clear enough about their policies, the student-run organization informed the Spectador that “a minimum of seven emails were sent out over the last two weeks,” and that “...anyone who does not know by this point probably should not be in attendance because they clearly don’t really have that Bacchanal spirit.”
What this will mean for the festivities this April 1st is unclear, although there will certainly be a smaller turnout than initially expected. For those who missed the testing deadline and are looking for an alternative event, Postcrypt has been reminding upset students that they hold bi-weekly shows every Friday and Saturday, and Hi-Fi Snock Uptown stated they will be holding their own “Snockannal” concert later this April.
BY REESE ALEXANDER
This year, more and more colleges across the country have grappled with the question of whether or not to return to evaluating standardized test scores during the application process. Across Columbia’s campus, students and faculty seem split over the decision, with some community members adamant about the necessity of abandoning testing altogether and others vehemently against what they see as too radical a move. Despite continuing questions over the issue, the university recently released a statement ending Columbia’s testing debate once and for all. “Columbia University will now and forever be test-optional,” President
Bollinger announced by email last week.
“We understand the unequal access that some high school students have to testing resources. Tests such as the SAT and ACT in no way prove the quality of the student, and it’s time we move away from them.” Bollinger continued, “However, we understand that some members of our community have concerns about what other evaluative methods we will use when assessing applications each year, which is why I am thrilled to announce that Columbia University finally has a solution! During next fall’s admission cycle, we will be unveiling our newest application component: ‘How much gold do you have?’ We here at Columbia believe in equality, so this part of the application is, for now, optional. But if students choose to
self-identify an amount of gold currently possessed by themselves, their family, or their inheritance, we will happily take it into account.”
“As with SAT scores, 1050 pounds of gold is considered 50th percentile. Unlike the SAT, exceptional students can be expected to have 2000 pounds of gold or more in their deposits. And students with less than a desirable amount of gold are always welcome to enroll in Columbia’s newest precollege summer program: Prospecting for Beginners. For just $6,000, students can learn nifty ways to pick up gold just like they did in the olden days. Or at least hire other people to do it for them. Get out there and sift, you 49ers!”
“When We Go Low, You Go High”: Low Steps Contact Highs Lower Seasonal Depression Rates by 40 Percent
BY DEVIN LESLIE Feeling groovy
For those looking for the positive effects of climate change, look no further! Research conducted through the Office of Environmental Health and Safety, released earlier this week, shows that contact highs on Low Steps were up by 300% in March as a result of unseasonably warm weather. This lowered seasonal depression rates by an astounding 50% among self-identified marijuana smokers and 30% among non-smokers who visited Low Steps on a day when the temperature exceeded 58 degrees Fahrenheit.
This new “Low Microclimate” has been so remarkable that Columbia Psychological Services is now referring patients directly to Low Steps. When asked for comment, Director of Columbia Counseling and Psychological Services Lee C. Bollinger said, “We understand that many are questioning this new referral process. We recognize that Low Steps is not an appropriate treatment option for every student; we are also referring some students to try edibles.”
Those seeking the edible option through Counseling and Psychological Services should contact “Gabe” at (666) 420-6969. Walk-in treatment is available at the corner of Amsterdam and 109th Street between the hours of 1:00 AM and 3:00 AM.
Admin Responds to Student Complaints About the Housing Process: “Who Asked?”
MOLLY BYNUM
Columbia students know the struggle of securing on-campus housing all too well.
The process rips apart friendships, disrupts peaceful nights’ sleep, and causes stress sweats from Carlton Arms to East Campus.
While getting a good lottery number is more exhilarating than doing a line, getting the room or suite you want is better than sex.
We here at the Spectador wanted to get to the bottom of this hellish process. What makes good housing so hard to obtain? Where does all of the endowment money go if not toward things like eradicating black
mold in John Jay bathrooms or speeding up the McBain elevators? The answers are, unfortunately, what you’d likely suspect: admin sees housing as a big fat joke.
“For starters, we just don’t care,” claimed one administrator. “Who asked?” said another. Our reporters told them that we, the Spectador, asked, and were met with “your mom lol” in response.
“All this complaining, it seems a bit dramatic to me,” said the President of Housing Operations. “I mean, really, are you even in your dorm that much? Sure, you ‘live’ there. But you really live in the libraries and your classrooms anyhow, so that seems like a personal problem, you students being so
focused on something as silly as your individual space. You can sleep when you’re dead.”
Additionally, President Lee Bollinger informed Spectador that for the first time in his tenure as University president, he is directly involved in student housing decisions. “I really wanted to go out with a bang,” he said. “I just thought to myself, ‘Damn, what is one final decision I can make, or goal I can achieve, to really cement my impact at this groundbreaking institution?’ And it seemed like putting my efforts toward further limiting student housing options was the most logical route.”
Reese Alexander, Molly Bynum, Oliver Green, Brian William Love, Lila Muscosky, Matthew Pierson, Ashley Rapp, Xavier Stiles, Pailyn, Emma Sullaway, Dani Winkler, Martha Wyatt-Luth Jokers
Dalia Etessami, Macey Stancato Picasso-Adjacent
Leeza Barg, Su Ertekin-Taner, Sanjana Talus Tech bros
BOARD OF TRUSTEES
YOUR MOM
YOUR MOM’S BED
PROF. HILLARY CLINTON
YOUR STEPMOM
Letter from the Feditors
Dearest readers,
April Fools!! We are not Sp*c, don’t worry!! It’s us, the Colombia Spectador back for our annual issue :) We can see how you were confused — we threw in a couple of conservative op-eds for authenticity.
To clarify, Columbia has not gotten rid of SAT scores. Now more than ever, this school is dedicated to anachronistic pretension. Nor has Bacchanal required testing! They can’t run ticket drops, how could they possibly confirm that 4,000+ sweaty undergrads are germ free? Sadly, however, the rest of our content is real. Admin continues to not care about housing and everyone is getting baked on Low. Happy Spring!
Anyways, we hope you enjoy perusing this issue! We have some Cocaine Bear references, a bit of original poetry, and more Columbia Dining content! Fun for the whole family. If that’s not good enough for you, we also have some rat content. It’s class Fed Spectador stuff.
Xoxoxooxo, Zoe + Lauren
Editors-in-Chief of the best publication on campus
Columbia University Announces Plans to Convert Low Library into Luxury Apartments
In a stunning move that has shocked the Columbia University community, University officials have announced plans to convert the iconic Low Library into luxury apartments.
The 120-year-old building, which currently houses the University’s administration offices, will be gutted and transformed into a highend residential complex, complete with private rooftop pools, marble countertops, and 24-hour concierge service.
“We believe that the Low Library is an underutilized asset, and we want to unlock its full potential,” said University President Lee C. Bollinger in a statement to the university community. “By converting it into luxury apartments, we can generate much-needed revenue for the University while also providing an unparalleled living experience for our wealthy students, which we assume is all of them.”
According to sources close to the project, the apartments will be marketed primarily to international students and wealthy donors, who will be offered exclusive access to the building’s historic reading room and other amenities.
The announcement has drawn swift criticism from student groups, who argue that the move represents a betrayal of the University’s commitment to academic excellence and public service.
“This is a shameful attempt to prioritize profits over people,” said Emma Goldman, a senior and member of the Columbia University Democrats. “The Low Library is a symbol of our academic heritage and should be preserved as a public space, not sold off to the highest bidder.”
In response to the backlash, University officials have emphasized that the conversion project is still in the early planning stages and that they are open to feedback from the community.
“We understand that this is a controversial proposal, and we want to ensure that all voices are heard,” said Bollinger. “We remain committed to our mission of providing a world-class education to our students, and we believe that this project will help us to do so while also generating muchneeded revenue for the University.”
As of press time, there is no timeline for the conversion project, but University officials have indicated that they plan to move forward with the proposal despite the criticism.
Columbia Student Newspapers
Investigate New Distribution Methods
for public comment, outlines a few proposed strategies:
After the success of the Columbia Independent’s new under-door distribution model, the Spectator Federalist and Barnard Bulletin have formed a blue-ribbon commission to find new and engaging methods for getting their publications into the hands of students. The following preliminary report, recently released
Op-Ed:
Airdrops (electronic)
Quick and reliable but distance-dependent. Would require separate system for Android users.
Airdrops (literal)
Efficient but cost-ineffective. Unworkable, barring large drop in fuel prices.
Recognizing the oneness of all things and that, in a way, the papers are already distributed
Likely a tactic by the Federalist representatives to end the meeting early. Still worth considering.
Scrappy boys with grey flat caps yelling “Extra, extra, read all about it!”
Highly effective but prone to mischief. Will blow off work to
play stickball, smoke cigars, or drink from brown jugs marked “XXX.” Might attract theater kids auditioning for Newsies— would really have to weigh the risk-reward ratio.
Skywriting High levels of public visibility but limited space. Would therefore require significant content downsizing. See Airdrops (literal) vis-à-vis fuel prices.
Hiding USB drives in all of our mouths and kissing it to people Strictly no tongue. Likely off-putting to consumers. Also problematic from a public health perspective.
Paying other, smarter people to think of something Also possibly a tactic by the Federalist representatives, though it seems to have been
The New Diana Pizza Crust Has Made Me Happy to Be Gluten-Free
Not going to lie—there is nothing more embarrassing than ordering my gluten-free cauliflower-crust pizza in front of a line of 25 hungry college students at the Diana Center Cafe, who now have to watch the pizza man change his gloves, pull out a new crust, sauce it, cheese it, and add my toppings. It delays everyone by four to five minutes. I can feel the glaring eyes bor-
ing into the back of my head. HOWEVER… ever since the beloved thin-crust “normal” pizza has been replaced by a thick, glutinous, slow-cooking pizza crust… my cracker-like cauliflower crust has been a hot commodity. I am now the mysterious person who has somehow acquired a thin crust Diana Cafe pizza, not the person who made you late to your 1:10 class. Thx Barnard dining <3
a sincere suggestion. Cost-prohibitive in any case.
Blending the papers and mixing them into dining hall food It is medically unwise to eat large amounts of newsprint. Also relies on a shaky understanding of what distribution is.
ARTHUR, CALL YOUR MOTHER. SHE HASN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN WEEKS. SHE MISSES YOU. AND FRANKLY, IT'S RUDE.
SEE PAGE 7.
New Housing Options for People Left Out of the Friend Group
As housing groups are being submitted and dorms chosen (or denied out of disgust), a common phenomenon is sweeping Columbia: that of the friend left out of the housing group because they strayed from the friend group in the middle of the year. In an effort to combat the protests and whiny weeping of this lonely Columbian who always ends up receiving the worst dorm, Columbia Housing has announced a new policy. To provide affordable and accessible housing for the
BY DANI RIVERA
BY DANI RIVERA Better than you
BY SU ERTEKIN-TANER
Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist
Lila Muscosky/Staff Writer
BY BRIAN
Columbia Dining Sues the State of New Jersey for Complete Ownership of “Mike’s Subs”
BY IZZY SZYFER
In
New Jersey :(
the Spectador and kept offering us cannolis with an increasing amount of urgency, responded to news of the lawsuit by saying: “Look, it’s a Mike-eat-Mike world. And if people are gonna keep eating our Mike’s subs, then our Mike’s subs should be the only ones on the market. Their Mike isn’t even a Mike. The founder’s name is Peter! Also, fuck Jersey.”* When asked for a statement, a spokesperson from New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy’s office responded with a firm
“Um, I don’t think this has anything to do with the State of New Jersey.” Jersey Mike’s Subs would not respond to requests for comment from Spectador reporters, but sent Columbia Dining a thinly veiled threat in the form of a dead rat in the mouth of a seagull.
*As a matter of journalistic and state integrity, it should be noted that the author of this article is a proud New Jersey resident. Come at me, liberals.
15 Things to Name Your Borg for Bacchanal
BY DANI WINKLER Spectaborg
Michigan does it. Bama does it. OSU does it. Even Cornell does it. And now, with Bacchanal coming up, Columbia does it. The Spectador
(Dani Winkler) officially endorses “The Borg” as the student drink of choice for Bacchanal 2023. Why pay $25 for a mimosa tower at Amity or sacrifice your reputation to drink underage at 1020 when you could carry around a gallon-size jug of mysterious red or blue liquid for six hours in the hot April sun? Exactly.
“Dani, I want to make a Borg, but I just can’t think of anything funny and school-spirited enough to name it.” Well guess what. I did the dirty work for you. 15 possible Columbia-themed Borg name ideas, handed to you on a silver platter. Even better, I made two of my very good friends sit with me in Chef Don’s for 35 minutes—against their will—to confirm the
laughability of said ideas. Thanks, Finley and Thea. So enjoy. As the old Biblical saying goes: “Be fruitful, and multi-Borg.”
1. PrezBorg
2. Borg-ler Library
3. Millie the Dancing Borg
4. Borgton Williams
5. Diana Burrito Borg
6. Borg-cchannal
7. Worst Foot-Borg Team in the Ivy League
8. Borg Beautiful Barnard
9. SchermerBorg Extension
10. Chef Mike Ate My GrandBorg
11. Blue Borg Coffee/Borg Bottle Coffee
12. Reid, Sulz, Hewitt, Borg
13. BorgCulture
14. Mel’s Borger Bar
15. Columbia University in the City of New Borg
The Most Impressive Thing About Me: I Found a Summer Sublet
BY ZOE DAVIDSON
I immediately told Rebecca to tell Emily to tell her aunt I wanted it, and then Venmoed Emily’s aunt my life savings without confirming the last four digits of her phone number because that would have taken too long. Thank god acted quickly because apparently five kids from Columbia, three kids from NYU, two kids from Pace, and every kid with an IB internship at every northeast liberal arts school were also interested in the spot. So, come visit me this summer! Just a heads up that you’ll have to sleep on the shelf where Emily’s aunt usually keeps her hat collection.
BREAKING: Columbia Announces
Summer Internship Score! My Elderly Neighbor
BY OLIVIA RUBLE Vroom Chaching
Is Paying Me $20 to Mow His Lawn
Exactly two days ago today, I made a big decision. I decided to reject my offer at Goldman Sachs and take the leap into the part-time lawn care business, specifically the lawn of my elderly neighbor, Herman. Herman says his grass grows like weeds and his weeds grow like pubic hair (i.e. fast and itchy). I am now the proud owner of 1 (one) self-propelled lawn mower and I can’t wait to hit the ground running (er… mowing)!
Thank you to EVERYONE who has supported me on my journey so far. Thank you for sharing my work, especially my mom—thank you for telling Herman not to hire that little shit with the riding mower from around the corner.
I am so grateful and feel like I’m living my dreams with my eyes wide open. Here’s to being bold and following your heart!
Chef Oscar’s Salad Saloon to Open in Northwest Corner Building
BY MATTHEW PIERSON Yeehaw!
After the successful debut of Chef Mike’s Sub Shop last year and Chef Don’s this semester, Columbia Dining is piloting a new location out of the lower level of the Northwest Corner Building: Chef Oscar’s Salad Saloon.
Early proposals describe the newest dining location as having an old Western feel—employees will wear cowboy hats and chewing tobacco will be available for purchase using Flex. The menu will feature a salad bar with a vast variety of options. Students will be able to build their own salad from the base up, featuring your pick of more than twenty different ingredients along the way. If you are in a rush, students can stop by the Saloon’s “quickshot” station, which will feature a few different pre-made salad options, such as “There’s a Snake in My Salad,” “Rodeo Romaine Special,” and “Giddy-Up Grandma’s Tossed Salad.”
The location will be spearheaded by a beloved staff member of Ferris Booth Commons, Oscar Olives. Born in Plaka, Greece, Chef Oscar is a
longtime connoisseur of salad and has already bagged a few international awards. Oscar fell in love with the salad at the age of six, when his grandfather made it for the boy as his last meal (at the time, Oscar was on trial for potential murder). Luckily, a successful appeal of the case saw Oscar acquitted and his love for salad reinvigorated. When asked about the theme, Chef Oscar explained he chose the Western theme in honor of the critical piece of evidence in his acquittal: a Woody doll from the hit Pixar movie Toy Story 2, which was found covered in his saliva a mile away from the scene.
Chef Oscar’s deeply personal approach to Columbia Dining leaves this writer with much anticipation. In this critic’s opinion, his story shows that preservation of spirit and a good lawyer are the foundations of a loveable character. We can certainly expect big things from this new location, slated to open in the Fall of 2023. For now, feel free to follow Chef Oscar on his Instagram @ cowboys.n.cabbage, or his finsta (if you’re close like that) @im.innocent.mom.please.forgive.me, for the latest updates!
“They Just Wanted My
BY LILA MUSCOSKY
In preparation for the promising and always-enjoyable Room Selec-
Heartbreak ensued in JJ’s this Thursday, and it wasn’t just because of the absence of mac ‘n’ cheese bites. After a sorority formal night, Ralph Spencer, CC ‘25, mistook a run-of-the-mill ketchup inquiry as something more.
“I thought it was finally my moment,” Spencer lamented. “I had just come as a study break from Butler, and I was wearing my finest JJ’s attire—sweats, a hoodie that didn’t match, and my 270’s—when two girls approached me. A thousand thoughts flashed through my mind; I thought I had a chance. Maybe they want my number, or just to tell me how cool my Wario hoodie is. They kept looking at each other as they approached and gestured towards me, giggling about something. I was ecstatic—this is it! But when they got to my table, they just asked ‘Can we borrow this ketchup?’ I mean, I get it. Those nuggets need sauce, and not everyone understands the exquisite culinary strategy of mixing BBQ,
mustard, and mayo like me. But still, just the ketchup? No introduction, no questions, no further interest? My nuggets deserved to be sauced too! I was devastated. Made the rest of the night in Butler real hard.” Spencer’s account has prompted other brave souls to come forward with their own very uncomfortable empty ketchup bottle stories.
“I was eating a latenight French toast when a cute guy from my Lit Hum came up to me,”
Lila Muscosky/Staff Writer
Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor
Lillian Aregawi/Staff Artist
Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor
An Update on the Giant Rat that Lives Under the Grate Outside Dodge Hall
BY MAX MONICAL The Rat King
Yes,
needs to be stopped. He’s gaining too much power. We must slow him down at all costs. Enlist here if you want to join the fight against Randy.
April Fools’ Day Moved to April 31st
BY
In a shocking bipartisan decision, the United States Congress recently passed a bill moving April Fools’ to the 31st of the month. Despite unclear motivations or need for such a change, the piece of legislation blew through both houses in under four minutes (though some record keepers support a more conservative four minutes and twenty seconds).
Excited hoots and hollers were reported from the inner chambers when news of the bill’s passing broke. This spurred embraces across the aisle and a sense of camaraderie
nation.
Chef Don Releases New Pizzas for Each College
Looks Like Your Suitemate Also Didn’t Have Any Plans Over Spring Break
BY FENWAY DONEGAN Honeymoooning
you see your suitemate sheepishly walking back with a to-go container in their hands. Looks like Hannah isn’t cooler than you after
After weekends of discussing the
for spring break
it
you nor your suitemate were invited to anything fun and have been left with no other choice than to spend the week in your tiny Columbia dorm rooms. At least your roommate isn’t there, but then again, they’re probably having more fun than you. You finish up making awkward small talk about resting and relaxing and move past each other. Oh well. That was fun. Time to double check when JJs opens this week. Was it 12:00 or 2:00?
PLEASE
I
AND
IN
Millie the Bear Apologizes For Role in “Cocaine Bear”
BY XAVIER M. STILES Scandal of the year
Following the success of Universal Pic -
tures’ Cocaine Bear, Millie the Bear has released an official apology regarding the film and her role as its star.
Early in 2020, Millie was contracted by Universal to play the titular role in the movie. Given complications from the pandemic, Millie accepted and signed the contract without properly consulting Barnard first.
“I understand that I acted with too much haste and that my portrayal in the film is not the image I wish to be sending regarding our wonderful institution. For that, Barnard has my most sincere apologies,” Millie the Bear told the Spectador, nearly on the verge of tears. She added, “It’s directed by a woman! I thought I was supposed to support women!”
While the film garnered no particular notice from students at first other than being a killer comedy, outrage began to trickle and then pour in as it became clear that the school’s mascot, easily identifiable due to the custom-made bedazzled
Barnard thong she sported in the film, was the one tearing apart children and adults on the silver screen.
Barnard sophomore Joy Rider remarked, “Millie’s public appearance in such a savage and unprofessional manner makes me feel sick. We have not had issues like this since Roar-ee decided to be the face of MGM in the 1920s.”
The sentiment is widespread, and even members of the Morningside and NYC community have been raising drug-abuse allegations towards Mille. Barnard and Millie have rejected any rumors about non-fictionalized drug use, including those about drunk cigarettes as a little treat.
The fallout of this film and its backlash is yet to be seen, especially as the news spreads outside of the city and onto the Internet. Outgoing Barnard President Sian Beilock tweeted her support for Millie, saying: “While we at Barnard care about furthering women’s rights, we need to be supportive about women’s wrongs. And even more supportive about ursine wrongs.”
MATTHEW PIERSON Hates pranks
Macey Stancato/Staff Artist
Macey Stancato/Staff Artist
Dalia Etessami/Staff Artist
Zoe Davidson/Editor-in-Chief
Dalia Etessami/Staff Artist
An Ode to the Dead Cockroach in the Mailroom
BY EMMA SULLAWAY Poet
Oh cockroach, dear cockroach, Why did you choose to roam, In the Altschul mail room where I approach, To pick up 12 packages from home?
You lie there on the floor, Facing up and all alone A sight so disgusting, It could make a pigeon groan.
I wonder how long you’ve been there, Watching the mail line gossip and sway, But one thing is for sure, I know that you’re here to stay.
I could call maintenance, The other night I even doordashed some RAID, But I think I like you roach, You’re kinda cute, you can stay. Wait shit I think it’s still alive okay no bye.
For a fun visual, turn head. Or the paper. User’s choice!
