May 2024

Columbia's Only Newspaper To Be Cursed By God

THE TEAM

Letter From the Feditor

Hi Mom! And others too, I guess.

EDITORIAL BOARD

Mollie Schmidtberger

Feditor-in-Chief

Dani Rivera

Olivia Ruble

Managing Editors

Bayan Shimizu

Dani Winkler Head Submissions Editors

STAFF

Ava Young-Stoner

Izzy Szyfer

Oliver Green

Julian Gerber

Lillian Aregawi

Megan Myerson

Sylvi Stein

Julian Gerber

Inica Kotasthane Submissions Editors

Sasha Maroulis

Silvana Gonzalez

Zoe Silverman

Inica Kotasthane

GENERAL BOARD

Grace Weinswig Layout Editor

Fenway Donegan

Publisher

Oliver Green Copy Editor

Ashley Rapp Graphics Editor

Sylvi Stein Online Editor

Izzy Szyfer

Social Media Editor

Lila Muscosky

Elena Lukac

Aron Shklar

Sta Writers

Dani Rivera

Olivia Ruble

Macey Stancato

Gilda Pretolani

Sta Artists

Lila Muscosky

Sylvi Stein

Leeza Barg

Sasha Maroulis

Karis Corrin

Sta Copy Editors

Leeza Barg

Lila Muscosky

Elena Lukac

Fed Tech

What a year it has been for all of us. That is not a meditation or a personal take, but a fact.

We’ve got everything happening on campus, the students created their own school, every gate that exists is closed, Columbia admin made some…choices that were … interesting to say the least. The Fed turned from two leaders to one in November and I’ve been on edge ever since. I say seriously that we could all use a laugh right about now.

That’s where the good old Federalist comes in. In our final printed issue of the semester and year, we’ve delivered 150 articles in those six print issues scattered across campus, and delivered over 50 articles exclusive to our website. All that to say: SO. MUCH. CONTENT.

I’ve really worked my team to the bone this year. They don’t get paid. Neither do I!

Don’t ask me what happened this year in The Fed . I blacked out.

Join us for the journalistic integrity that we’ve been known for with content featuring Hot Shafik takes that are all factually true, all the personal lore about our staff that you could possibly wish for (mainly featuring me and Grace because we’re graduating in two weeks and can do anything we want, I’ll approve anything at this point), mandatory graduation content, and some valid hits against Connectuicut’s existence. Find a paper near you that one of us totally didn’t sneak into your school bag when you weren’t looking in Ferris.

It’s been an absolute pleasure and joy to spread this paper like a flaming disease for the past eight months. Quite the sick experience, if I do say so myself. My team has had a fantastic year–we’re just really super cool and chill like that. I’ll miss some of you. Not all, but at least like 3 of you if I think really hard about it.

#EvenFedKindOf,

Mollie Schmidtberger

Feditor-in-Chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: about small people like Grace

PAGE 4: about Grace being dead, etc

PAGE 5: about Mollie and like sex stu

PAGE 6: about Mollie and like drug stu

PAGE 7: you didn't forget about Grace did you?

PAGE 8-9: current trials and tribulations

PAGE 10: my name is Grace and I can do a back ip

PAGE 11: I'm also really pretty

PAGE 12: and so is Mollie

PAGE 13: We are graduating

PAGE 14: Oliver Green

PAGE 15: Grace's last page

PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say :(

OP-ED: I Am Taller an Minouche Sha k, Make Me President

By Aron Shklar

Among other things

That’s right. I finally said it. I am more qualified than Minouche Shafik to be president of this fine university. Why, you might ask? Because I am taller than “President” Shafik, that’s why! Math backs me up too. In presidential elections between 1789 and 2016, the taller candidate won 57% of the time. And guess what? In that same time period, the taller candidate won the popular vote 62% of the time!

Now, you might say that Minouche

is more qualified than me because she’s a baroness, or because she was the youngest-ever Vice President at the World Bank and worked at the International Monetary Fund and the Bank of England. You might also say she’s more qualified than me because she already has university leadership experience. And you might even go so far as to argue that because she has actually graduated college and graduate school while I am a sophomore, there is every reason to trust her over me. But guess what? At the end of the day, I’m still taller than her.

e Fed Investigates: Surf, Turf, and SMURF?

For some, Surf & Turf signals the arrival of the gentle spring, rejoicing in its lush bountifulness. For others, it is the equivalent of Thanksgiving day for turkeys. Federalist reporters have obtained insider information that the alleged steak and lobster served to students during the annual Surf & Turf celebration was not, as one might expect, from the beef and shellfish food groups. No, in fact, Columbia students have actually been enjoying Smurf, familiarized by the Belgian comic franchise centered around a colony of these blue, humanoid creatures about three apples high who live in mushroom-shaped houses in the forest. This revelation has elicited mixed reactions from all members of the Columbia community. One student reported feeling nauseous and “blue” upon hearing the

news, while another frowned, “Does Smurf have the same amount of protein as steak?” For others, deeper inquiry beckoned: “Nice, I guess I’m still vegan.” A Federalist staff writer remarked, “I don’t see what the big fuss is about… tasted like chicken to me.”

On the path to justice, Federalist reporters searched for answers where no Spec reporter would dare venture: Smurf Village. After many days and many nights’ journey through bramble and brush (and after losing two staff writers to the jungle), the Federalist was able to interview Papa Smurf for the first time in the history of probably any publication at Columbia. “It’s a damn shame,” Papa Smurf said, before taking a long drag of his cigarette. ( Federalist reporters also took drags of their cigarettes.) “Nobody appreciates the work we do for this university. Where do you think those blue robes come from?” Before leaving, Papa Smurf smiled at our Federalist reporters, “I hope good, real journalists like you keep up the good work.” When asked for comment, Columbia Dining declined.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Columbia Students Launch 2x4, Columbia’s Only Construction-Focused Literary Magazine

Yung Lean to be Next Dean of Columbia University School of the Arts

Columbia loves to tell tour groups that students can start their own clubs. One of the new clubs students can expect on campus next year?

2x4, a literary magazine focused specifically on construction.

“Construction has just been so important to everyone in the community, and we wanted to honor that in our practice here,” the magazine’s editor in chief, Axel Wrench, said in a statement

to the Federalist Wrench continued, saying, “The rest of our Executive Board—not a board of directors, just a plank from Lowe’s who I consult for accuracy—and I are brimming with excitement to read what the community has written, whether it’s stories about going to Home Depot hungover with your parents after a secret high school party or poems about playing around in the toilet displays. We really want to build a community here.”

With Columbia's recent wave of new leadership, students were thrilled to learn that Swedish rapper Yung Lean will assume the role of Dean at the Columbia University School of the Arts.

“You know,” said Andrea Moore (GS ‘24), “I think having Yung Lean lead the Arts School will be tremendous. His infusion of cloud rap with electronic music is the type of refreshing creativity that this university desperately needs.”

We reached out to Dean Lean’s team, but did not receive a comment. However, in speaking with administrators from the School of the Arts, we did glean that Dean Lean will lead in Wein.

BREAKING NEWS: Grace Weinswig is DEAD

BREAKING: The Columbia Federalist is currently in a period of mourning over the loss of their beloved Layout Editor, Grace Weinswig. The Federalist caught video of her right before she passed, quoted here. Beware readers, it is bone-chilling.

“Hello Federalist readers, the paper you now hold in your hands is the last trace of me this school will ever see, my calling card, how I will be remembered, now that only my ghost walks these hallowed halls. It is a bittersweet goodbye; an afterlife of exciting unknowns awaits while the joys of many papers follow in my wake, like toilet paper at the bottom of me boot.” As she shuffled backwards into the darkness at an alarmingly slow pace she whispered,

“Goodbye Federalist goodbye…print journalism will never die.” The Federalist is investigating to see if they should be threatened by this statement.

The Federalist checked in with current members on the loss of Miss Weinswig. Dani Winkler remarked, “WAHHHHHHHHH.” Oliver Green said, “Oh.” Fenway Donegan, while he licked his lips with pleasure and glared into the abyss with an alarmingly devilish look in his eyes, rejoiced: “YES! FUCK THAT BITCH! It was about time we got rid of her. Now I may rule the world!” The Federalist would like to offer a message of concern to those close to Fenway Donegan: please, he needs help. Oh, and also, he will never be as pretty or successful as Grace Weinswig, rest in peace.

Why I, Mollie Schmidtberger, Am Stepping Down As Feditor-in-Chief.

Ode to the Couple in Ferris Who Asked Me to Be eir ird

Will you accept this rose toy?

Oh, couple in Ferris who asked me to be their third! Shall I take thee at thy lustful word?

From across the dessert bar, you saw me and blushed, Maintained your distance, but in scheming whispers you crushed.

Your hearts were a-tugged and your stomach a- utter,

As you watched me ask an attendant for butter. At the omelet station? Could it be true? at I’d order broccoli and cheese, just like you?

Fate it must be, and in fate you believed, You crept up behind me, and prayed I wouldn’t be peeved, You tapped on my shoulder from behind, And when I turned around, out loud you cried!

“My girlfriend and I are entranced by your vibe! By your plate full of pancakes and your smile so wide! e way you mop the oil o your hashbrowns, so tender, so rare! We know you’d treat us with that kindness and care! What are you doing later?

We simply must ask, We’d love to feed you raw mushrooms and romaine on the grass. Make haste, and answer, but please feel no pressure, Our polycule would never desire to disturb you one measure. We’ll be in the corner should you care to join us, Farewell, sweet stranger, and enjoy your donut.”

B y M ollie S chmidtberger

B y Dani Winkler

Rapp/Graphics Editor

Gilda Pretolani/Sta Artist

FED4Dummies: How to Hit a Bong

Rip (But Very Chill and Aesthetic… Because You’ve Done is Before, Right?)

While I know all of you are very experienced and cool and know how to take some hits…

4/20 is not a hit of one puff or two at ADP. This shit is serious.

You gotta be prepared, because Columbia students are extremely competitive, and we don't want you

to get kicked out of a rotation! So the Fed has created a guide on how to be successful at taking aesthetic bong rips!

Step 1: Don't put your lips on the bong like you're sucking cock!

(Seriously: I have seen people wrap their tongues in the hole…just don't.)

Step 2: Practice that air lung

capacity! Inhale, and do half substance, half air flow! Don't oversaturate your lungs, that will lead to a big coughing fit.

Step 3: Know your limit, remember to pace yourself and be casual.

Step 4: If in rotation…One good hit and pass, don't be a greedy monster!

A List of Every Article Fed Has Rejected

From Me

try bwog instead

Atwood who wrote ‘A word after a word after a word is power?’ Well, the first word is ‘fuck’ and the second one is ‘asshole’ and maybe the third is ‘Barbed Cat Penis.’ My creativity cannot be bottled up, censored by your old ways and harsh judgments. I love you dearly, but I must be who I am, and what I am: a little freak.

Pretty reasonable that this didn’t get picked up. It was the first article I ever co-wrote, and the second I had ever submitted. Also, writing the lines: “BREAKING: A crowd of admirers has surrounded Hammer’s family home in light of former partner’s recent statements: “He wanted to ‘barbeque and eat me.’” Reportedly, many of the sexually deprived mob are donning barbecue sauce and signs, “I’m cooked and ready, daddy,” did NOT help my chances at getting published for the first time.

2. Sexy Among Us

I only have this graphic left of it. (See right). I have no regrets.

3. In Defense of Horny Fed Writers: A Letter

This was done in collaboration with Lauren Unterberger and Henri Darragh-Ford. We felt the need to defend ourselves after we wrote an entire page’s worth of horny articles for the print issue of Valentine’s Day 2022. Here’s how we signed it: “But, was it not Margaret

XOXO -The Horny Boys”

4. Put me in a Ceramic Pot and Bottom-Water Me (i am a plant)

Another co-write from the perspective of a horny plant. I wrote the lines “I’m alllll about that Photo-sinthesis, baby. Chloro-fill me up, babbyyyyy. Put your banana peel in the CUM-post bin. SEED. Get it, I’m a sexy plant.” I am so surprised that anyone let me become the Editor-in-Chief of this paper.

5. I Should Scream at Men More: A Letter to the Editor (Not you, Gustie, you’re perfect)

The last article in this listicle, directed to the male Feditor-in-Chief at the time, not Gustie though, she’s still perfect. It just said “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Men are no good. This is why, me, Mollie “Little Schmitty” “The Schmitberger” Schmitberger, I think I gotta start screamin at em. Just gotta yell more, ya know? I feel it in my bones. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHgrrrrrrrAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH -

Clinton Slated to Teach Fall 2024 ‘Inside the Situationship Room’

B y I nica K otasthane & E lena L ukac

it's complicated

With the spring semester drawing to a close, departments at Columbia University have released their upcoming Fall 2024 semester classes. Many political-minded students have hoped to see the highly-anticipated and competitive course, “Inside the Situation Room,” taught by Secretary Hillary Clinton, reoffered next Fall. However, after receiving feedback from last semester’s course evaluations, administrators realized they weren’t tapping into students’ true interests. In a last-minute Registrar change, Clinton is now scheduled to teach “Inside the Situationship Room” next semester.

The Federalist obtained a leaked email from an administrator, who advised the course’s redevelopment. In the correspondence, the administrator told Clinton that the new course would “likely improve [her] public perception, especially among Columbia’s politically and

romantically passionate student body.”

Upon special request, the Federalist also obtained a copy of the course syllabus. Similar to the structure of Clinton’s previous course, guest speakers specializing in the subject of “situationships” will join, including Pete Davidson and an unnamed Barnard junior still reminiscing on her freshman spring. NDAs are enforced solely to protect guest speakers from embarrassment over their past experiences.

Topics to be covered throughout the year will likely include: how to avoid attachment, growing from a failed situationship, and how to schedule an appointment with Columbia’s Counseling and Psychological Services.

To be accepted into the course, students are required to upload screenshots of their texts with their previous situationships, alongside a 500word personal statement on their situationship history and how it relates to their personality.

Note that students will be considered regardless of their experience with situationships, though at least one situationship is preferred.

Columbia Dining Finishes TMNT Collection with Chef Raph's and Chef Leo's

lege dining halls in the first place, President McBain

Over the past two years, Columbia Dining has introduced Chef Mike's Sub Shop and Chef Don's Pizza Pi, headed by Michaelangelo and Donatello, respectively, of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now, Columbia has announced that two new dining halls, Chef Raph's Soup Stop and Chef Leo's Pasta Place, will round out the turtles' collection.

When asked why the ninja turtles were heading col-

Shafted responded, "We're just glad that we were able to get them away from Michael Bay in time. I wish we could say the same for Optimus. May he rest in robot peace."

Chef Raph's Soup Shop will be open exclusively on Monday and Wednesday from 11 AM - 2 PM and will reuse soups from Mike's, John Jay, and Ferris. Like Chef Mike's and Don's, no food carrying container will be provided. Students will instead be expected to carry the hot soup by holding it with cupped hands. Chef Leo's Pasta Place will open whenever Leo feels like it. All its pasta items will contain a gallon of water to mimic the Ferris pasta’s iconic style. Columbia internal sources have told the Federalist that this need for water is responsible for every water fountain on Columbia's campus running dry. Cowabunga!

1. Armie Hammer Hammers Cannibal Fantasies into White Moms

B y M ollie S chmidtberger

B y James C oppersmith

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Eldest Daughter Cord to be Given Out at Graduation

Valid documentation of parentification includes:

• An overused driver's license

why your older sister resents you

It’s a bird! It’s a GS student! Its an eldest daughter with a crowd filled of sibling-children!

Before you walk across that commencement stage, make sure you add another familial weight to bear: Columbia’s newest “Eldest Daughter” cord. To pick up this cord, students will have to present one (1) CUID, a birth certificate, and proof of parentification.

• A knack for cleaning up others' messes

• Advanced soothing skills

• Underdeveloped boundaries

• Symptoms of hyper-independence, overwork, emotional hypervigilance, and intense fear of disappointing others

In describing this accolade, student services President Joan Lee Child stated, “This cord serves as a token reminder that, regardless of your accomplishments, you will always be tied to your home responsibilities and shortcomings.” Certain students deemed exemplary will be granted the extra honor of one (1) complimentary gas card.

Best Graduation Photo Locations

e commermoration of a lifetime!

With graduation around the corner, it’s the time of year when people see every graduate awkwardly romp around campus in their full cap and gown attire. And we know you all want to get the best graduation photos possible to brag to your high school classmates on social media that you are not, in fact, a failure and that you did, successfully, get a diploma from an Ivy League institution (whatever that means). So, we’ve compiled a list of some of the best-hidden locations for graduation photos. Because we don’t need to see more people on Low Steps.

Dodge Gym brag about being in the historical home of the Manhattan Project in this beautiful location! Bonus points if you get hardcore gym bros to step away from their weights and join. Journey to the first floor, miles below ground level and far from any sunlight. The failing, grimy lighting, hobbit-level ceilings, and peeling walls will give a lovely dungeonlike aesthetic to your grad photos that everyone will “ooh” and “aah” over.

Hamilton Hall: always remember the time you spent 47 years waiting for the elevator or, worse, had to climb up seven flights of stairs just to show up to class

Student Embarrassed About eir Summer Internship Locked in Silence with Student Embarrassed About Not Having Summer Internship

Columbia students were aghast as Josh Lyman (CC’26) and Charlie Young (CC’27) entered their twenty-fifth minute of awkward silence prompted by Lyman asking Young a question about his summer plans. “I think he said something like ‘So um, what are you doing this summer?’” reported a nearby Columbia student and hopeful Boeing intern, who asked to remain anonymous for this piece. “After that, I think the short one responded, ‘Oh, you know, ah…’ and trailed off. The

taller one didn’t respond. They’ve just been standing there for the last twenty minutes. I’m going to have to get to class soon, but I can’t look away.”

“I can’t let him know what I’m doing this summer, he’ll think I’m totally worthless,” both Josh and Charlie reported to our staff under the condition that we wouldn’t tell the other. “I mean, this obviously wasn’t my first choice, but there were no good options this year. I wish things had been different; I just hope nobody finds out,” bemoaned both students, each unaware of the other's predicament.

ChatGPT is used for natural language understanding and generation, making it valuable for tasks like content creation, chatbot development, language translation, and more. It can be used for a variety of tasks and largely depends on how each user chooses to use it. As an English major entering a job force so intertwined with AI, I realized that it is only reasonable to get a head start on using these programs. While most professors forewarn against AI generatives, I have found that they save both time and mind-space. Furthermore, most teachers, journals, and even newspapers cannot even tell the difference between the human hand and artificial intelligence! In conclusion, ChatGPT revolutionizes the landscape of thesis writing, offering a myriad of benefits that augment scholarly pursuits and academic excellence. From unlimited access to knowledge and personalized guidance to time efficiency and ethical considerations, ChatGPT serves as a formidable ally in your quest for academic achievement.

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Gilda Pretolani/Sta Artist

New Columbia Gym Elective: Climbing Hamilton Stairs

As Fall 2024 registration approaches, Columbia University administrators have unveiled a spate of new classes for students to fulfill core requirements. Of course, they will all be filled up almost immediately by desperate seniors, but students still noted a new and exciting addition to the PE elective list. “Climbing Hamilton Stairs,” a one-credit elective course that fulfills half of the PE requirement, will meet every Monday and Wednesday in the Hamilton lobby at 4:05PM. Students will attempt to scale the seven flights of Hamilton stairs while avoiding the stampede of other students trying to get to class on time.

“Climbing Hamilton Stairs is a PE class, but it also focuses a lot on mental

aptitude,” Coach TJ Burr explained to the Fed “For example, you have to do quite a few calculations. Will you make it up the stairs before the Hamilton elevator arrives? Is it worth it to wait? What about stopping to read that poster advertising dog meat? You have to weigh everything as you pant and struggle up the stairs with your heavy-ass laptop and dumb little iced coffee.”

If the enrollment for this course is promising, Columbia plans to phase in additional site-specific classes to fulfill the PE requirement, including “Putting the ‘Power’ in ‘Butler Power Nap,’”

“Opening Stuck Windows in OverlyHeated Classrooms,” and a masterclass on foot-eye coordination to be taught by Bottle Flip Man.

Retroactive Study on Admitted Students and Legacy Status

It’s an often-held belief that a touring student who shows some extra pep during their campus tour increases their chance of admission, because everyone knows that student tour guides wield vast quantities of administrative power. However, a new study has revealed the true ‘in’ may be the one place no one (except confused tourists) is looking: Mr. Bottle Flip. The famous five-footnine man, always adorned in a full athletic body suit, has perfected the art of launching empty Gatorade bottles into a trash can on Low steps on top of his day job as an admissions

officer. Researcher Dr. Moore F. Suit has discovered a significant correlation between the amount of time a prospective student’s eyes follow the bottle-launching attempts and their chance at being admitted into the university. While 98% of prospective students on tours avert their eyes from this spectacle, the 2% of lingering onlookers were demonstrated to have a 69% acceptance rate into the incoming class of 2028. Sources say that Forbes has already identified the college walk bottle flip as more influential than Phillips Exeter networking and blatant nepotism combined.

Student from Connecticut Says They’re From “The Upper East Side…Of America”

In a shocking display of geographical prowess and cultural delusion, a first-year from Connecticut was heard telling people in line at Ferris Booth Commons that they were from “the Upper East Side of America.” When onlookers asked what they meant by that, the student, who was advised by everyone they knew to remain anonymous, explained further, saying, “I mean, it’s like basically the same thing. They have prep schools, we have prep schools. They dress old-money-TikTok core, we dress old-money-TikTok core. Gossip Girl was set in the Upper East Side, and I know like three girls from high school named Blair. They’re totally the same.” The Federalist tried to reach out to someone from the Upper East Side to get their response, but they were all unavailable, as they were all already summering in the Hamptons and “didn’t have reception” at the beach club.

Alma Mater Hops in on Smoke Sesh, Bogarts Joint

B y S asha M aroulis respect the sesh

Multiple Columbia freshmen were recently shocked when Alma Mater hopped in on their smoke sesh at Low Steps last Friday. Students reported seeing the statue come to life, gesturing for the student holding the doob to pass it over.

“For a second, I thought I was just high as balls but then my friends had the same reaction,” commented CC freshman Chaz. “But no one was prepared for what happened next.”

While multiple students had conflicting reports, the general consensus was that the J was halfway burned, with students in the rotation following a general puff-puffpass procedure. However, Alma Mater had

other plans.

“Not only did she signal for the sticky out of order, she ripped not one, not two, not even three, but FIVE hits,” stated the outraged Chaz. “She basically just left us the roach. Not cool.”

After announcing that the za was mid, turning her crown around, and making some obscene gestures with her staff, Alma Mater returned to her inanimate state. We’ve reached out to the student who supplied for the smoke sesh, but they’ve refused to comment since we roasted them for paying $15 for the preroll in Washington Square Park.

Many alumni have stated that this story echoes the time that the lion outside Dodge came to life and ate a guy.

B y I zzy S zyfer

Visit Connecticut!

Rapp/Graphics Editor

Grace Weinswig/Layout Editor

Is is My Summer Storage Company or an Armed Robbery?

“Yikes! Is it that time already?” I thought to myself as I awoke to the sound of banging on my door. It was still dark outside. Surely I didn’t tell them to arrive that early? I rubbed my eyes and rolled out of bed, but the instant I turned the door handle I was violently flung backwards by the door getting kicked open. I slammed onto the floor and gazed up at my summer storage company. Four brawny men stood in my doorway, all wearing matching shirts. I tried to introduce myself, apologizing for my unpreparedness, but before I could say anything they began stuffing my

Study

personal belongings into boxes. This was a bit bizarre, but I figured they were just trying to be efficient. So, I headed towards my fridge to try to help them move

faster, but one of the men grabbed me and held me back.

“Don’t move one step closer,” he whispered menacingly and gestured to one of his coworkers. He was standing against the doorframe holding a long, metal tool of sorts – I didn’t have my glasses on yet. “Oh! It must be a metal dollie to help carry out the fridge,” I figured. How kind of them to save me the extra effort of exerting myself trying to get it downstairs! In a few more minutes, they finished up, and I shouted a quick thank you as they ran out of my room and slammed the door shut behind them. Man, those guys sure are busy! I guess it’s moving season!

Group

Reserves

Room, Opens Computers, and Doesn’t Do a Goddamn ing

With finals looming, study rooms are getting harder to book each day. This year, however, students have reported a disturbing pattern of events. Jessie Dolan (SEAS ‘25) spoke to The Fed about her recent puzzling experience in Uris Library. “I saw a group of four people walk into their reserved room, put their computers on the table, plug in their chargers, and just start talking,” she said. “Then they went to the whiteboard and started… randomly drawing arrows and numbers? It went on for two hours. Then they just left.”

When we asked Jessie why she thinks students are engaging in poor study habits, she said “I think it makes people feel like they’ve completed something without having to.”

We at the Fed commend Jessie for outing these lazy, useless group study habits, and we will continue to draw our arrows and numbers in our meetings because they actually mean something.

Columbia University To Renovate Uris in Great Wolf Lodge Collaboration

By Z oe Silverman brrrrrrrr

In preparation for the summer heat, Peter E. Pilling, the William Campbell Family Director of Intercollegiate Athletics and Physical Education at Columbia University, has announced that the school’s athletic department will renovate Uris Pool into a Great Wolf Lodge indoor wave pool with three accompanying water slides. This renovation is meant to provide an incentive for aquatic athletics for summer 2024 and inspire ripples of childhood nostalgia for the upper-middle-class Columbians at large. The renovation will cost the school approximately 18 million dollars. Construction will be completed on August 26, 2024, after which, the water park replica will then be deconstructed for the beginning of swim team practices on September 2, 2024, costing the school an additional 16 million. There will be approximately one week to enjoy the elaborate indoor water park at Columbia, and the first five swimmers will receive a pair of Columbia-branded floaties. The Federalist staff will all be in attendance.

Eclipse Survey Results Find

Columbia Students Vape Inside the Elevators

to eclipse or not to eclipse?

It’s official! Columbia University was shocked to report that 99.9999% of the students who filled out their “Enjoy the eclipse?” survey admitted to vaping in the elevators during the entirety of the celestial event.

“Personally, I'm glad the pro-eclipse faction has a reason to hate on elevator vapers,” a frustrated student told the Fed “I'm tired of gasping for air while taking the stairs, and when I finally get in an elevator, I have to gasp for oxygen in between Cherry California and Guava Passion particles.”

"Yeah, I vaped during the eclipse,” an anonymous student told the Fed “A Geek Bar melosa pulse just hits better when the planets are aligned in perfect syzygy. Plus, in a Columbia elevator, you got no airflow, which is amazing for O-rings. I’m not the only one who knows it—why else do you think the Hamilton elevator takes so long every day?”

B y S ilvana G onzalez

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Gilda Pretolani/Sta Artist

Gilda Pretolani/Sta Artist