May 2024

Volume XLI • Issue 6 • May 2024

Columbia's Only Newspaper To Be Cursed By God

THE TEAM

Bow Down to Aron

Letter From the Feditor Hi Mom! And others too, I guess.

EDITORIAL BOARD

STAFF

What a year it has been for all of us. That is not a meditation or a personal take, but a fact.

We’ve got everything happening on campus, the students created their own school, every

Mollie Schmidtberger Feditor-in-Chief Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Managing Editors Bayan Shimizu Dani Winkler

Head Submissions Editors

GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Fenway Donegan Publisher Oliver Green Copy Editor Ashley Rapp Graphics Editor Sylvi Stein Online Editor Izzy Szyfer Social Media Editor

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Ava Young-Stoner Izzy Szyfer Oliver Green Julian Gerber Lillian Aregawi Megan Myerson Sylvi Stein Julian Gerber Inica Kotasthane Submissions Editors Sasha Maroulis Silvana Gonzalez Zoe Silverman Inica Kotasthane Lila Muscosky Elena Lukac Aron Shklar Staff Writers Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Macey Stancato Gilda Pretolani Staff Artists Lila Muscosky Sylvi Stein Leeza Barg Sasha Maroulis Karis Corrin Staff Copy Editors Leeza Barg Lila Muscosky Elena Lukac Fed Tech

gate that exists is closed, Columbia admin made some…choices that were … interesting to say the least. The Fed turned from two leaders to one in November and I’ve been on edge ever since. I say seriously that we could all use a laugh right about now.

That’s where the good old Federalist comes in. In our final printed issue of the semester and year, we’ve delivered 150 articles in those six print issues scattered across campus, and delivered over 50 articles exclusive to our website. All that to say: SO. MUCH. CONTENT. I’ve really worked my team to the bone this year. They don’t get paid. Neither do I! Don’t ask me what happened this year in The Fed. I blacked out.

Join us for the journalistic integrity that we’ve been known for with content featuring Hot Shafik takes that are all factually true, all the personal lore about our staff that you could possibly wish for (mainly featuring me and Grace because we’re graduating in two weeks and can do anything we want, I’ll approve anything at this point), mandatory graduation content, and some valid hits against Connectuicut’s Connecticut’s existence. Find a paper near you that one of us totally didn’t sneak into your school bag when you weren’t looking in Ferris.

It’s been an absolute pleasure and joy to spread this paper like a flaming disease for the past eight months. Quite the sick experience, if I do say so myself. My team has had a

OP-ED: I Am Taller Than Minouche Shafik, Make Me President

By Aron Shklar

Among other things That’s right. I finally said it. I am more qualified than Minouche Shafik to be president of this fine university.

Why, you might ask? Because I am taller than “President” Shafik, that’s why!

Math backs me up too. In presidential elections between 1789 and 2016, the taller candidate won 57% of the time. And guess what? In that same time period, the taller candidate won the popular vote 62% of the time!

Now, you might say that Minouche

is more qualified than me because she’s a baroness, or because she was the youngest-ever Vice President at the World Bank and worked at the International Monetary Fund and the Bank of England. You might also say she’s more qualified than me because she already has university leadership experience. And you might even go so far as to argue that because she has actually graduated college and graduate school while I am a sophomore, there is every reason to trust her over me.

But guess what? At the end of the day,

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

I’m still taller than her.

The Fed Investigates: Surf, Turf, and SMURF?

By Olivia Ruble

Exploitation Exposed For some, Surf & Turf signals the

fantastic year–we’re just really super cool and chill like that. I’ll miss some of you. Not all,

arrival of the gentle spring, rejoicing

but at least like 3 of you if I think really hard about it.

in its lush bountifulness. For others,

news, while another frowned, “Does Smurf have the

On the path to justice, Federalist reporters searched

same amount of protein as steak?” For others, deeper

for answers where no Spec reporter would dare

inquiry beckoned: “Nice, I guess I’m still vegan.” A

venture: Smurf Village. After many days and many

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

to interview Papa Smurf for the first

day for turkeys. Federalist reporters

time in the history of probably any

have obtained insider information that

Mollie Schmidtberger

publication at Columbia.

the alleged steak and lobster served

Feditor-in-Chief

“It’s a damn shame,” Papa Smurf

to students during the annual Surf &

said, before taking a long drag of his

Turf celebration was not, as one might

TABLE OF CONTENTS

cigarette. (Federalist reporters also

expect, from the beef and shellfish food

took drags of their cigarettes.) “Nobody

groups. No, in fact, Columbia students

PAGE 3: about small people like Grace PAGE 4: about Grace being dead, etc PAGE 5: about Mollie and like sex stuff PAGE 6: about Mollie and like drug stuff PAGE 7: you didn't forget about Grace did you?

PAGE 8-9: current trials and tribulations PAGE 10: my name is Grace and I can do a backflip PAGE 11: I'm also really pretty PAGE 12: and so is Mollie PAGE 13: We are graduating PAGE 14: Oliver Green PAGE 15: Grace's last page PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say :(

appreciates the work we do for this

have actually been enjoying Smurf,

university. Where do you think those

familiarized by the Belgian comic

blue robes come from?” Before leaving,

franchise centered around a colony

Papa Smurf smiled at our Federalist

of these blue, humanoid creatures

reporters, “I hope good, real journalists

about three apples high who live in

like you keep up the good work.”

mushroom-shaped houses in the forest.

When asked for comment, Columbia

This revelation has elicited mixed

Dining declined.

reactions from all members of the Columbia community. One student reported feeling nauseous and “blue” upon hearing the

Volume XLI Issue 6

April 2024

brush (and after losing two staff writers to the jungle), the Federalist was able

it is the equivalent of Thanksgiving

#EvenFedKindOf,

nights’ journey through bramble and

Federalist staff writer remarked, “I don’t see what the big fuss is about… tasted like chicken to me.”

SMOL LIKE SMURF

3

Congrats Seniors!

Columbia Students Yung Lean to be Next Dean Launch 2x4, of Columbia Columbia’s Only University School Construction-Focused of the Arts Literary Magazine

Papa?

Why I, Mollie Schmidtberger, Am Stepping Down As Feditor-in-Chief.

By Mollie Schmidtberger I’m graduating lol. Bye.

By Sasha Maroulis

By Izzy Szyfer We Will Rebuild.

Columbia loves to tell tour groups that students can start their own clubs. One of the new clubs students can expect on campus next year?

2x4, a literary magazine focused specifically on construction.

“Construction has just been so important to everyone in the community, and we wanted to honor that in our practice here,” the magazine’s editor in chief, Axel Wrench, said in a statement

to the Federalist. Wrench continued, saying, “The rest of our Executive Board—not a board of directors, just a plank from Lowe’s who I consult for accuracy—and I are brimming with excitement to read what the community has written, whether it’s stories about going to Home Depot hungover with your parents after a secret high school party or poems about playing around in the toilet displays. We really want to build a community here.”

Lean, Mean, Rapping Machine With Columbia's recent wave of new leadership, students were thrilled to learn that Swedish rapper Yung Lean will assume the role of Dean at the Columbia University School of the Arts.

“You know,” said Andrea Moore (GS ‘24), “I think having Yung Lean lead the Arts School will be tremendous. His infusion of cloud rap with electronic music is the type of refreshing creativity that this university desperately needs.”

We reached out to Dean Lean’s team, but did not receive a comment. However, in speaking with administrators from the School of the Arts, we did glean that Dean Lean will lead in Wein.

BREAKING NEWS: Grace Weinswig is DEAD

By Grace Weinswig RIP BREAKING: The Columbia Federalist is currently in a period of mourning over the

“Goodbye

Federalist,

goodbye…print

is investigating to see if they should be The Federalist checked in with current

Weinswig. The Federalist caught video of

members on the loss of Miss Weinswig. Dani

her right before she passed, quoted here.

Winkler remarked, “WAHHHHHHHHH.”

Beware readers, it is bone-chilling.

Oliver Green said, “Oh.” Fenway Donegan,

“Hello Federalist readers, the paper you

while he licked his lips with pleasure and

now hold in your hands is the last trace

glared into the abyss with an alarmingly

of me this school will ever see, my calling

devilish look in his eyes, rejoiced: “YES!

card, how I will be remembered, now that

FUCK THAT BITCH! It was about time

only my ghost walks these hallowed halls.

we got rid of her. Now I may rule the

It is a bittersweet goodbye; an afterlife of

world!” The Federalist would like to offer a

exciting unknowns awaits while the joys

message of concern to those close to Fenway

of many papers follow in my wake, like

Donegan: please, he needs help. Oh, and

toilet paper at the bottom of me boot.” As

also, he will never be as pretty or successful

she shuffled backwards into the darkness

as Grace Weinswig, rest in peace.

at an alarmingly slow pace she whispered,

OH NO GRACE IS ALREADY DEAD THOUGH

By Dani Winkler Will you accept this rose toy?

Oh, couple in Ferris who asked me to be their third!

Shall I take thee at thy lustful word?

From across the dessert bar, you saw me and blushed, Maintained your distance, but in scheming whispers you crushed.

Your hearts were a-tugged and your stomach a-flutter, As you watched me ask an attendant for butter.

At the omelet station? Could it be true?

That I’d order broccoli and cheese, just like you?

Fate it must be, and in fate you believed, You crept up behind me, and prayed I wouldn’t be peeved, You tapped on my shoulder from behind, And when I turned around, out loud you cried!

threatened by this statement.

loss of their beloved Layout Editor, Grace

4

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

journalism will never die.” The Federalist

Ode to the Couple in Ferris Who Asked Me to Be Their Third

“My girlfriend and I are entranced by your vibe!

By your plate full of pancakes and your smile so wide!

The way you mop the oil off your hashbrowns, so tender, so rare!

We know you’d treat us with that kindness and care!

What are you doing later?

We simply must ask, We’d love to feed you raw mushrooms and romaine on the grass.

Make haste, and answer, but please feel no pressure, Our polycule would never desire to disturb you one measure.

We’ll be in the corner should you care to join us, Farewell, sweet stranger, and enjoy your donut.”

Ashley Rapp/Staff Writer

Volume XLI Issue 6

Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist

April 2024

YOU'VE BEEN GETTING MILK FOR 20 YEARS :(

5

FED4Dummies: How to Hit a Bong Rip (But Very Chill and Aesthetic…

Because You’ve Done This Before, Right?)

By Fed Staff Puff. puff, passing on the wisdom While I know all of you are very experienced and cool and know how to take some hits…

4/20 is not a hit of one puff or two at ADP. This shit is serious.

You gotta be prepared, because Columbia students are extremely competitive, and we don't want you

to get kicked out of a rotation! So the Fed has created a guide on how to be successful at taking aesthetic bong rips!

Step 1: Don't put your lips on the bong like you're sucking cock!

(Seriously: I have seen people wrap their tongues in the hole…just don't.)

Step 2: Practice that air lung

Hey Mollie!

capacity! Inhale, and do half substance, half air flow! Don't oversaturate your lungs, that will lead to a big coughing fit.

Step 3: Know your limit, remember to pace yourself and be casual.

Step 4: If in rotation…One good hit and pass, don't be a greedy monster!

try bwog instead 1. Armie Hammer Hammers Cannibal Fantasies into White Moms Pretty reasonable that this didn’t get picked up. It was the first article I ever co-wrote, and the second I had ever submitted. Also, writing the lines: “BREAKING: A crowd of admirers has surrounded Hammer’s family home in light of former partner’s recent statements: “He wanted to ‘barbeque and eat me.’” Reportedly, many of the sexually deprived mob are donning barbecue sauce and signs, “I’m cooked and ready, daddy,” did NOT help my chances at getting published for the first time.

2. Sexy Among Us I only have this graphic left of it. (See right). I have no regrets.

3. In Defense of Horny Fed Writers: A Letter This was done in collaboration with Lauren Unterberger and Henri Darragh-Ford. We felt the need to defend ourselves after we wrote an entire page’s worth of horny articles for the print issue of Valentine’s Day 2022. Here’s how we signed it: “But, was it not Margaret

6

Atwood who wrote ‘A word after a word after a word is power?’ Well, the first word is ‘fuck’ and the second one is ‘asshole’ and maybe the third is ‘Barbed Cat Penis.’ My creativity cannot be bottled up, censored by your old ways and harsh judgments. I love you dearly, but I must be who I am, and what I am: a little freak.

XOXO -The Horny Boys”

4. Put me in a Ceramic Pot and Bottom-Water Me (i am a plant)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Men are no good. This is why, me, Mollie “Little Schmitty” “The Schmitberger” Schmitberger, I think I gotta start screamin at em. Just gotta yell more, ya know? I feel it in my bones. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHgrrrrrrrAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Another co-write from the perspective of a horny plant. I wrote the lines “I’m alllll about that Photo-sinthesis, baby. Chloro-fill me up, babbyyyyy. Put your banana peel in the CUM-post bin. SEED. Get it, I’m a sexy plant.” I am so surprised that anyone let me become the Editor-in-Chief of this paper.

We rejected them for a reason

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

romantically passionate student body.”

Upon special request, the Federalist also it's complicated obtained a copy of the course syllabus. Similar With the spring semester drawing to a to the structure of Clinton’s previous course, close, departments at Columbia University have guest speakers specializing in the subject released their upcoming Fall 2024 semester of “situationships” will join, including Pete classes. Many political-minded students Davidson and an unnamed Barnard junior still have hoped to see the highly-anticipated and reminiscing on her freshman spring. NDAs are competitive course, “Inside the Situation enforced solely to protect guest speakers from Room,” taught by Secretary Hillary Clinton, embarrassment over their past experiences. reoffered next Fall. However, after receiving Topics to be covered throughout the year will feedback from last semester’s course evaluations, likely include: how to avoid attachment, growing administrators realized they weren’t tapping from a failed situationship, and how to schedule into students’ true interests. In a last-minute an appointment with Columbia’s Counseling Registrar change, Clinton is now scheduled and Psychological Services. to teach “Inside the Situationship Room” next To be accepted into the course, students are semester. required to upload screenshots of their texts with The Federalist obtained a leaked email from their previous situationships, alongside a 500an administrator, who advised the course’s word personal statement on their situationship redevelopment. In the correspondence, the history and how it relates to their personality. administrator told Clinton that the new course Note that students will be considered regardless would “likely improve [her] public perception, of their experience with situationships, though especially among Columbia’s politically and at least one situationship is preferred.

Columbia Dining Finishes TMNT Collection with Chef Raph's and Chef Leo's

By James Coppersmith

Radical!

Over the past two years, Columbia Dining has introduced Chef Mike's Sub Shop and Chef Don's Pizza

5. I Should Scream at Men More: A Letter to the Editor (Not you, Gustie, you’re perfect) The last article in this listicle, directed to the male Feditor-in-Chief at the time, not Gustie though, she’s still perfect. It just said “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Clinton Slated to Teach Fall 2024 ‘Inside the Situationship Room’

By Inica Kotasthane & Elena Lukac

A List of Every Article Fed Has Rejected From Me

By Mollie Schmidtberger

Baby Girl

Pi, headed by Michaelangelo and Donatello, respectively, of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now, Columbia has announced that two new dining halls, Chef Raph's Soup Stop and Chef Leo's Pasta Place, will round out the turtles' collection.

Molle Schmidtberger/Feditor-in-Chief

Volume XLI Issue 6

When asked why the ninja turtles were heading col-

April 2024

lege dining halls in the first place, President McBain

the hot soup by holding it with cupped hands.

Shafted responded, "We're just glad that we were able

Chef Leo's Pasta Place will open whenever Leo feels

to get them away from Michael Bay in time. I wish we

like it. All its pasta items will contain a gallon of wa-

could say the same for Optimus. May he rest in robot

ter to mimic the Ferris pasta’s iconic style. Columbia

peace."

internal sources have told the Federalist that this need

Chef Raph's Soup Shop will be open exclusively on Monday and Wednesday from 11 AM - 2 PM and will reuse soups from Mike's, John Jay, and Ferris. Like

for water is responsible for every water fountain on Columbia's campus running dry.

Cowabunga!

Chef Mike's and Don's, no food carrying container will be provided. Students will instead be expected to carry

What's your name?

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8 Volume XLI Issue 6 April 2024 9

Graphic by Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

It's Summer Yitches

Eldest Daughter Cord to be Given Out at Graduation Valid documentation of parentification includes:

By Ashley Rapp

why your older sister resents you It’s a bird! It’s a GS student! Its an eldest daughter with a crowd filled of sibling-children!

Before you walk across that commencement stage, make sure you add another familial weight to bear: Columbia’s newest “Eldest Daughter” cord. To pick up this cord, students will have to present one (1) CUID, a

In describing this accolade, student services Presi-

•

An overused driver's license

dent Joan Lee Child stated, “This cord serves as a token

•

A knack for cleaning up others' messes

reminder that, regardless of your accomplishments,

•

Advanced soothing skills

you will always be tied to your home responsibilities

•

Underdeveloped boundaries

and shortcomings.” Certain students deemed exem-

•

Symptoms of hyper-independence, overwork,

plary will be granted the extra honor of one (1) com-

emotional hypervigilance, and intense fear of

plimentary gas card.

Best Graduation Photo Locations The commermoration of a lifetime!

With graduation around the corner, it’s the time of year when people see every graduate awkwardly romp around campus in their full cap and gown attire.

completely winded when you wanted to impress your

your own dream world to emulate your college

class crush.

experience! Extra special if an improv group is actively performing while you’re there–adds to the ambiance!

Lerner Blackbox: a perfect blank slate for creating

And we know you all want to get the best graduation

Student Embarrassed About Their Summer Internship Locked in Silence with Student Embarrassed About Not Having Summer Internship

By Fenway Donegan

Josh Lyman (CC’26) and Charlie Young (CC’27) entered their twenty-fifth minute of awkward silence prompted

by Lyman asking Young a question about his summer plans. “I think he said something like ‘So um, what are you doing this summer?’” reported a nearby Columbia student and hopeful Boeing intern, who asked to remain

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

photos possible to brag to your high school classmates

anonymous for this piece. “After that, I think the short one responded, ‘Oh, you know, ah…’ and trailed off. The

on social media that you are not, in fact, a failure and that you did, successfully, get a diploma from an Ivy

class soon, but I can’t look away.”

“I can’t let him know what I’m doing this summer, he’ll think I’m totally worthless,” both Josh and Charlie reported to our staff under the condition that we wouldn’t tell the other. “I mean, this obviously wasn’t my first choice, but there were no good options this year. I wish things had been different; I just hope nobody finds out,” bemoaned both students, each unaware of the other's predicament.

Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist

Op-Ed: Why I Am Choosing to Let ChatGPT Write My Thesis

League institution (whatever that means). So, we’ve compiled a list of some of the best-hidden locations for graduation photos. Because we don’t need to see more people on Low Steps.

By Ashley Rapp

Dodge Gym: brag about being in the historical

Hot AI bot in your area

home of the Manhattan Project in this beautiful

ChatGPT is used for natural language understanding and generation, making it valuable for

location! Bonus points if you get hardcore gym bros

tasks like content creation, chatbot development, language translation, and more. It can be used

to step away from their weights and join. Journey to

for a variety of tasks and largely depends on how each user chooses to use it. As an English major

the first floor, miles below ground level and far from

entering a job force so intertwined with AI, I realized that it is only reasonable to get a head start on

any sunlight. The failing, grimy lighting, hobbit-level

using these programs. While most professors forewarn against AI generatives, I have found that they

ceilings, and peeling walls will give a lovely dungeon-

save both time and mind-space. Furthermore, most teachers, journals, and even newspapers cannot

like aesthetic to your grad photos that everyone will

even tell the difference between the human hand and artificial intelligence! In conclusion, ChatGPT

“ooh” and “aah” over.

revolutionizes the landscape of thesis writing, offering a myriad of benefits that augment scholarly pursuits and academic excellence. From unlimited access to knowledge and personalized guidance

Hamilton Hall: always remember the time you

to time efficiency and ethical considerations, ChatGPT serves as a formidable ally in your quest for

spent 47 years waiting for the elevator or, worse, had to

academic achievement.

climb up seven flights of stairs just to show up to class

10

taller one didn’t respond. They’ve just

Unemployed been standing there for the last twenty Columbia students were aghast as minutes. I’m going to have to get to

disappointing others

birth certificate, and proof of parentification.

By Lila Muscosky

Mollie = Dictator

Mom said it's my turn with the layout

Volume XLI Issue 6

April 2024

ALWAYS SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU TO YOUR AI ASSISTANT

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Quad Explosion

New Columbia Gym Elective: Climbing Hamilton Stairs

By Sylvi Stein

bulking szn As Fall 2024 registration approaches, Columbia University administrators have unveiled a spate of new classes for students to fulfill core requirements. Of course, they will all be filled up almost immediately by desperate seniors, but students still noted a new and exciting addition to the PE elective list. “Climbing Hamilton Stairs,” a one-credit elective course that fulfills half of the PE requirement, will meet every Monday and Wednesday in the Hamilton lobby at 4:05PM. Students will attempt to scale the seven flights of Hamilton stairs while avoiding the stampede of other students trying to get to class on time.

“Climbing Hamilton Stairs is a PE class, but it also focuses a lot on mental

aptitude,” Coach TJ Burr explained to the Fed. “For example, you have to do quite a few calculations. Will you make it up the stairs before the Hamilton elevator arrives? Is it worth it to wait? What about stopping to read that poster advertising dog meat? You have to weigh everything as you pant and struggle up the stairs with your heavy-ass laptop and dumb little iced coffee.”

If the enrollment for this course is promising, Columbia plans to phase in additional site-specific classes to fulfill the PE requirement, including “Putting the ‘Power’ in ‘Butler Power Nap,’” “Opening Stuck Windows in OverlyHeated Classrooms,” and a masterclass on foot-eye coordination to be taught by Bottle Flip Man.

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

This year's hottest feeder school It’s an often-held belief that a touring student who shows some extra pep during their campus tour increases their chance of admission, because everyone knows that student tour guides wield vast quantities of administrative power. However, a new study has revealed the true ‘in’ may be the one place no one (except Bottle Flip. The famous five-footnine man, always adorned in a full athletic body suit, has perfected the art of launching empty Gatorade bottles into a trash can on Low steps

In a shocking display of geographical prowess and cultural delusion, a first-year from Connecticut was heard telling people in line at Ferris Booth Commons that they were from “the Upper East Side of America.” When onlookers asked what they meant by that, the student, who was advised by everyone they knew to remain anonymous, explained further, saying, “I mean, it’s like basically the same thing. They have prep schools, we have prep schools. They dress old-money-TikTok core, we dress old-money-TikTok core. Gossip Girl was set in the Upper East Side, and I know like three girls from high school named Blair. They’re totally the same.” The Federalist tried to reach out to someone from the Upper East Side to get their response, but they were all unavailable, as they were all already summering in the Hamptons and “didn’t have reception” at the beach club.

officer. Researcher Dr. Moore F.

Alma Mater Hops in on Smoke Sesh, Bogarts Joint

By Sasha Maroulis

Suit has discovered a significant

respect the sesh

correlation between the amount of

Multiple Columbia freshmen were

time a prospective student’s eyes

recently

follow the bottle-launching attempts

lingering

“For a second, I thought I was just

onlookers

high as balls but then my friends had the

were demonstrated to have a 69% acceptance rate into the incoming class of 2028. Sources say that Forbes has already identified the college walk bottle flip as more influential than Phillips Exeter networking and blatant nepotism combined.

SIR FLIP-A-LOT

Mater

student holding the doob to pass it over.

avert their eyes from this spectacle, of

Alma

the statue come to life, gesturing for the

of prospective students on tours 2%

when

Steps last Friday. Students reported seeing

into the university. While 98%

the

shocked

hopped in on their smoke sesh at Low

and their chance at being admitted

on top of his day job as an admissions

12

Grace Weinswig/Layout Editor Visit Connecticut!

same reaction,” commented CC freshman

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

confused tourists) is looking: Mr.

Student from Connecticut Says They’re From “The Upper East Side…Of America”

By Izzy Szyfer

Retroactive Study on Admitted Students and Legacy Status

By Ashley Rapp

okurrrrr

Volume XLI Issue 6

Chaz. “But no one was prepared for what happened next.”

While multiple students had conflicting reports, the general consensus was that the J was halfway burned, with students in the rotation following a general puff-puffpass procedure. However, Alma Mater had

April 2024

other plans.

“Not only did she signal for the sticky out of order, she ripped not one, not two, not even three, but FIVE hits,” stated the outraged Chaz. “She basically just left us the roach. Not cool.”

After announcing that the za was mid, turning her crown around, and making some obscene gestures with her staff, Alma Mater returned to her inanimate state. We’ve reached out to the student who supplied for the smoke sesh, but they’ve refused to comment since we roasted them for paying $15 for the preroll in Washington Square Park.

Many alumni have stated that this story echoes the time that the lion outside Dodge came to life and ate a guy.

Yo fuck Alma

13

Oops

Is This My Summer Storage Company or an Armed Robbery?

By Oliver Green

personal belongings into boxes. This was a bit bizarre,

By Zoe Silverman brrrrrrrr In preparation for the summer heat, Peter E. Pilling, the William Campbell Family Director of Intercollegiate Athletics and Physical Education at Columbia University, has announced that the school’s athletic department will renovate Uris Pool into a Great Wolf Lodge indoor wave pool with three accompanying water slides. This renovation is meant to provide an incentive for aquatic athletics for summer 2024 and inspire ripples of childhood nostalgia for the upper-middle-class Columbians at large. The renovation will cost the school approximately 18 million dollars.

Construction will be completed on August 26, 2024, after which, the water park replica will then be deconstructed for the beginning of swim team practices on September 2, 2024, costing the school an additional 16 million.

There will be approximately one week to enjoy the elaborate indoor water park at Columbia, and the first five swimmers will receive a pair of Columbia-branded floaties. The Federalist staff will all be in attendance.

but I figured they were just trying to be efficient. So,

“Don’t move one step closer,” he whispered menacingly

“Yikes! Is it that time already?” I thought to myself

I headed towards my fridge to try to help them move

and gestured to one of his coworkers. He was standing

as I awoke to the sound of banging

against the doorframe holding a long,

on my door. It was still dark outside.

metal tool of sorts – I didn’t have my

Surely I didn’t tell them to arrive that

glasses on yet. “Oh! It must be a metal

early? I rubbed my eyes and rolled out

dollie to help carry out the fridge,” I

of bed, but the instant I turned the door

figured. How kind of them to save

handle I was violently flung backwards

me the extra effort of exerting myself

by the door getting kicked open. I

trying to get it downstairs! In a few

slammed onto the floor and gazed up

more minutes, they finished up, and

at my summer storage company. Four

I shouted a quick thank you as they

brawny men stood in my doorway,

ran out of my room and slammed the

all wearing matching shirts. I tried to

door shut behind them. Man, those

introduce myself, apologizing for my

guys sure are busy! I guess it’s moving

unpreparedness, but before I could

season!

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Study Group Reserves Room, Opens Computers, and Doesn’t Do a Goddamn Thing

By Sasha Maroulis

Productive

With finals looming, study rooms are getting harder to book each day.

This year, however, students have reported a disturbing pattern of events.

Jessie Dolan (SEAS ‘25) spoke to The Fed about her recent puzzling experience in Uris Library. “I saw a group of four people walk into their reserved room, put their computers on the table, plug in their chargers, and just start talking,” she said. “Then they went to the whiteboard and started… randomly drawing arrows and numbers? It went on for two hours. Then they just left.”

When we asked Jessie why she thinks students are engaging in poor study habits, she said “I think it makes people feel like they’ve completed something without having to.”

We at the Fed commend Jessie for outing these lazy, useless group study habits, and we will continue to draw our arrows and numbers in our meetings because they actually mean something.

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Columbia University To Renovate Uris in Great Wolf Lodge Collaboration

faster, but one of the men grabbed me and held me back.

knock knock!

say anything they began stuffing my

This is Grace

I walked in on someone in a Milstein single person bathroom

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Eclipse Survey Results Find That 99.9999% of Columbia Students Vape Inside the Elevators

By Silvana Gonzalez to eclipse or not to eclipse?

It’s official! Columbia University was shocked to report that 99.9999% of the students who filled out their “Enjoy the eclipse?” survey admitted to vaping in the elevators during the entirety of the celestial event.

“Personally, I'm glad the pro-eclipse faction has a reason to hate on elevator vapers,” a frustrated student told the Fed. “I'm tired of gasping for air while taking the stairs, and when I finally get in an elevator, I have to gasp for oxygen in between Cherry California and Guava Passion particles.”

"Yeah, I vaped during the eclipse,” an anonymous student told the Fed. “A Geek Bar melosa pulse just hits better when the planets are aligned in perfect syzygy. Plus, in a Columbia elevator, you got no airflow, which is amazing for O-rings. I’m not the only one who knows it—why else do you think the Hamilton elevator takes so long every day?”

Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist

Volume XLI Issue 6

Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist

April 2024

This is my last ever header and footer, did you solve the message...?

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Volume XLI Issue 6