February 2024 Print Issue

Volume XLI • Issue 4 • February 2024

Columbia's Only Newspaper that Made it Out of the Talking Stage

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD

STAFF

Mollie Schmidtberger Feditor-in-Chief

Ava Young-Stoner Izzy Szyfer Oliver Green Julian Gerber Lillian Aregawi Megan Myerson Sylvi Stein Submissions Editors

Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Managing Editors Bayan Shimizu Dani Winkler

Head Submissions Editors

GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Fenway Donegan Publisher Oliver Green Copy Editor Ashley Rapp Graphics Editor Sylvi Stein Online Editor Izzy Szyfer Social Media Editor

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Sasha Maroulis Silvana Gonzalez Matthew Pierson Zoe Silverman Julian Gerber Rebecca Jensen Sykora Lila Muscosky Xavier Stiles Staff Writers Dalia Estessami Dani Rivera Lila Muscosky Lilian Aregawi Olivia Ruble Macey Stancato Staff Artists Eliza Heath Lila Muscosky Sylvi Stein Leeza Barg Staff Copy Editors Leeza Barg Lila Muscosky Fed Tech

Getting steamy

Letter From the Feditor Hey all you love bugs and hate insects, It’s that wonderful time again when I walk into Target and get smothered by a blob of pink and red hearts and candy that’s way too expensive for the amount in the bag and I say to myself, “Wow, I’m so glad I needed a loofa at this exact time, so I can now be clean when I cry to myself in the shower at 1 AM on a Wednesday because I am alone.” But enough about me! Haha! Am I crying or is the page getting a little bit blurry for everyone else?

We are back again with the loveliest issue of this year, filled with lots of love and totally not hate at all or real photographs or our staff members. Ahem, learn how to eye-fuck your crush in JJ’s as “Macarena” by Los del Río plays in the background (...am…am I allowed to say this? Well, nobody is here to tell me not to so time to double down)! See tips to seduce your professor (oh we’re getting close to the grey area now)! Witness a close-up image of the Green M&M holding a Plan B that I definitely did not make in Preview as a sophomore and can’t live down (now there’s the classic Fed content! Don’t worry though: it’s our search histories that look insane, not yours.

Happy Valentines Day (2/14), Happy National Cabbage Day (2/17), and a merry Leap Year Day (2/29) to those who celebrate.

I am actively in love with you, Mollie

Vday Ideas for Your Indie Barnard Biddie (or Your Columbia Coquetteer)

By Dani Winkler & Ashley Rapp bold beautiful boobies If you’re like us, you’re gay! And you’ve got a Barnard girlfriend for whom a box of chocolates just doesn’t cut it! And yeah, while we’ve got our gifts covered (top secret, don't ask), we know some of you will be scrambling to find that perfect present. Don’t you worry—the Fed’s got options for ya.

• Collage paper mache version of you, including but not limited to: lingerie made out of discarded club posters on the bulletin board, dental floss as a g-string, and a toothy smile made of sushi-spot grains of rice • Canva premium subscription

• •

•

•

• •

A neverending roll of pink satin ribbon An array of vintage, eclectic clothing with not a single tag attached (definitely not stolen from the laundry room) A homemade matcha latte (NOT from Liz’s) served out of the palms of your hands that she/they can lap out of like a small animal Locks of your hair embroidered into the collar of her favorite Carhartt jacket (1) Diet Coke ElfBar™ Crocheted pack of Marlboro Lights—for her to snuggle with while you’re doing the late shift in Butler

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Forget Getting Rejected by Your Crush, Here's How to Deal With Getting Rejected From 27 Internships in a Row

By Inica Kotasthane and Elena Lukac

success guaranteed

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1.

2.

Change your major.

Doom scroll on LinkedIn and comment on your connections’ posts through tears.

3. Post “AMA: Student at Columbia University” on r/ApplyingToCollege.

4. Change LinkedIn status to #OpenToWork.

5. Drop out.

6. Take the midnight 1 train going anywhere.

7. Gorge yourself on JJs. 8. Print out your resume, cut it into strips, and use it as rolling paper.

9. Walk all the ramps in Lerner.

10. Hold an unlit cigarette between your lips while standing in front of Butler because “you put the thing that does the killing right between your teeth, but you never give it the power to kill you.”

11. Visit your high school to relive your glory days.

12. Post “Barnard isn’t a part of Columbia” on Sidechat just to feel something.

13. Call your mom. She misses you, but not as much as you think she does.

PAGE 3: boobs and sadness PAGE 4: fenway in a fedora PAGE 5: biscuits PAGE 6: sexy m&m PAGE 7: skreeeeeech PAGE 8-9: yummy yummy chocolate goodness PAGE 10: looking for love in all the wrong places PAGE 11: beep beep new message alert PAGE 12: mollie breadstickies PAGE 13: bonk!

PAGE 14: joggy runny PAGE 15: a gift from me to elleeeeeee PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say Volume XLI Issue 4

February 2024

MEOW

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

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Nice Guys Finish Last

A Nice Guy Valentine's How to Create the Confession Best Dating App Profile Possible

By Silvana Gonzalez

my darling boy Hey Melissa, I know you probably won't read this, b-but I was just wondering, if you know… le *sigh* if y-you want to be m-my valentine?

You probably will say no (because I'm too nice, and not a jock, and write for the Fed...), but if you really want to give me a chance, I swear I will treat you like a queen, serenade you into the night, and whisper sweet quotes from Metamorphosis while we cuddle in my dorm.

But if you don't…(which is the most likely answer, as I'm nowhere near your league) please just disregard this passionate love confession, but remember this might be the only chance you will get to experience a true, real, sweet, thoughtful, and genuine nice guy like me.

If you accept my heart, meet me in front of the green bananas in Chef Mike's. I still have all my guest swipes, so I can get you in ;) Farewell, my lady. *tips fedora* Derek Bob.

By Lila Muscosky lessons from the expert 1. Be cryptic: can’t let

mysterious. You want to be virtually

after your fourth consecutive

them know too much about

filter. If that’s not enough, try

you at first glance. Try using

throwing in a few stock photos

a

under some more filters for

pseudonym,

changing

your age by two years, or

further misdirection.

4. Set your standards low:

pretending to be a chemistry major.

Fenway Donegan/Publisher

unrecognizable

you can only go up from

2. Exclusively use photos

here! Sure, you might want

taken by your mom because

to ignore the account that’s

we all know those are the

definitely a bot repeating

best ways to capture our true

the same three sentences

selves. This comes with the

for every message, but just

added benefit of not needing

remember that it could be

to spend hours curating.

sending you no messages at

3. Use filters: again, stay

all!

Top 5 Positions to Eye Fuck Your Campus Crush

By Dani Rivera

light it up like dynamite It’s 2024 and approaching people is soooooo last year. The possibility of rejection intimidates us all so it’s time we embrace the next best thing — eye fucking.

Every hot person loves some raw, steamy, and almost violent eye contact with a fellow hot person. Have a cute lil person you’ve been seeing around campus?

Here are the hottest ways to eye fuck them: 1. Across the dining hall, both standing A classic first encounter. Think about the tension when you’re in the Ferris pasta line and they suddenly turn around after receiving their pasta. Then you encounter eye fuck a bit as one gets salad and the other gets strawberries. It’s like you’re on a date at a restaurant, basically, and are sucking each other's lips across some food but instead you’re in Ferris Booth Commons and you don’t know each other's names.

2. Across the dining hall, one sits A bit of power play, think about how fucking submissive it is to give someone puppy eyes as they walk past you sitting down in John Jay. So sexy and…. vulnerable?

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3. Sideways passerby Do this one if you’re BOLD. You know you’re mutually into each other if you snap your necks after walking by each other on the sidewalk intersection by University Hardware. Chances of one of you approaching is still low.

4. Laying down on lawn as they walk by you Inevitable when the weather gets warmer. Kinda awkward but you need to make sure you look adorable and are basically kicking your feet and twirling your hair at all times in case they walk over.

5. Stand across with your friend in between It’s not a threesome eye fuck I just don’t know how else to describe it. It’s good when you want to be slick. My personal favorite move at a party.

EXCEPT FOR FENWAY HE IS SO SEXY

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Volume XLI Issue 4

New friends

Help! I Tried to Plan my College Spring Break and a Man Lives in my Computer Now

By Zoe Silverman

Him (2024) College spring break: a quintessential experience one must endure in their late teenage years. As I was up late researching all-inclusive resorts in tropical locations for under 50 dollars, I came to a perfect ad.

It seemed too good to be true. It read: “Thirty-dollar room with two queen beds in Miami - two days left!”

I immediately clicked the link and shared it with the group chat.

Two minutes later, a man's voice greeted me from my computer screen. He said his name was Tommy, but that I can call him “Big T.” He has lived within my iCloud walls ever since, and we have learned to coexist in a harmonious split-screen dynamic where he researches local dealers - he won’t say what kind - as I write my Lit Hum papers. All of my friends who clicked the link immediately received their own companion, which was terrifying to us all. But the men are all best friends just seeking some company

through college women’s computers! Sometimes we leave our computers open in a Butler study room when we go for a JJ’s run and let them gossip about their fantasy sports teams - it's quite wholesome.

My advice to you: don’t click on sketchy ads or seek a spring break too good to be true, unless you are extremely lonely and lack a middle-aged male companion.

How to Make Ferris Biscuits (Vulnerable)

By Dani Rivera

comfort food

Ingredients • All-purpose flour — no need for self rising flour, but you’re a self rising individual! The most heart breaking part of this recipe is that I became gluten intolerant before my first year at Columbia and have been unable to enjoy the taste of a Ferris biscuit again. Sometimes I

Hey guys, welcome to a new segment of the Fed where we share recipes that are near and dear to our hearts. You see, I always wanted to be a good blogger but I never had the opportunity. The Fed is such an amazing and supportive environment and I just knew that it would be the best paper to share my deepest and darkest secrets with the guise of a beloved campus food.

My story with Ferris biscuits started when I was 5 years old, wandering the streets of Morningside Heights.

I had lost my mother (read my next recipe for Hewitt Butternut Squash for more details on what happened) when suddenly a mysterious Columbia College student noticed me on the side of the road. She approached me, and I remember her exact outfit — a striped beanie, leather jacket with silver embellishments on the sleeve, red corduroy pants, and Doc Martens. Her name was Kate, and she introduced me to the best type of bread that I have ever tasted in my life.

It had been approximately 3 hours Dani Rivera/Managing Editor since I had lost my mother and I was starving. She knew that I needed a will sniff them just to remember what my first warm embrace, and boy did I receive one. The first Columbia day was ever like, and to reconnect bite of my first ever Ferris biscuit was the most life with my dear friend Kate. I have found that changing cheddar-y, moist-yet-crumbly, savory little gluten free flour just doesn’t create the same ball of dough. The recipe is as follows:

February 2024

OLD FLAMES

• • •

• • •

consistency in the biscuit.

Baking powder and baking soda Salt Cold butter — once I almost caused a fire when I went to melt some butter and accidentally put a non microwavable plate in my suite microwave. Because of this traumatizing memory, I tend to avoid melted butter in my recipes.

• Cold buttermilk Instructions • Preheat the oven to 450.

• Combine everything except for the buttermilk. Do not overmix.

• Make a hole in the center of the batter and pour the buttermilk. Mix until sticky.

• Add flour to surface. Fold dough 6-8 times. Do not overwork the dough. You wouldn’t want to overwork yourself !

Sometimes life at Columbia University is difficult, the stress culture and competitive atmosphere inevitably makes you overwork yourself. It’s a shame that when I was 5 I didn’t truly understand what being at an Ivy League would be like. It’s not always as charming.

Shape into 1” thick flat round. Cut dough into nine rounds.

Bake for 13-15 mins.

Enjoy!

5

CVS Pharmacy...

EXCLUSIVE: Fed Obtains JJ's Playlist for Your Listening Pleasure ;)

By Ashley Rapp & Dani Winkler

sex with me, so amazing BREAKING NEWS: On Tuesday, February 13, the Fed concluded its months-long investigation into just who has been creating those expeditiously, incredibly, ridiculously, mouthwateringly horny playlists. You know the ones. It took grit, it took nerve, and it took ruthless rigor on the part of our investigative journalists, who toiled on the long, hard, and girthy road to secure this veiny, throbbing playlist just for our beloved readers. Did we have to

zip-tie the wrists of a few employees?

Perhaps. But was it worth it to inseminate the public with this baby-making playlist? Absolutely.

Here it is: 1 hour and 30-something minutes of pure, throbbing JJs music.

This is for all of you who want to get your dick wet while in this quesadilla line. Enjoy, and happy Valentine's Day, freaks.

Baboomba

The Fed is Rebranding!

By Sasha Maroulis

new year new me

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Liz’s Place? She Sounds Hot!

By Ashley Rapp

A Milky, Milky Matcha

O my Luve is like a milky, Liz’s matcha That’s newly separated in color; O my Luve is like the “egg and cheese” That’s sweetly chanted in tune.

Attention! The Fed is rebranding.

After decades of faithfully serving the Columbia community in our current form, we have decided to shift gears.

However, we are still unsure what exactly the new look will be, so here are a couple of ideas that we encourage our readers to consider: 1. The Federalist Set to Rebrand as the Feudalist; Focus on Serf-Related Satire In the spirit of embracing medieval European culture, the Federalist is adopting the new name, the Feudalist.

This new iteration of the paper will focus on serf-related satire pieces such as “That Feeling When You Have to Cultivate the Land During Midterms” and “What to Do When Your Vassal Friend Casually Suggests Going to a Super Expensive Restaurant for Dinner.”

The push for this new feel was headed by members of Columbia’s Feudalist University Coalition of Knights and

By Anonymous

6

We sell both these things! Happy Vday!

surrounding the new look. “I think the Fjordalist is just what our student body needs. Too often, the Federalist’s humor just feels somewhat vapid and fjordinary.

This will hopefully change that.”

We appreciate the constructive and thoughtful criticisms Bjorn shared with us, and we look fjordward to the next step in our paper’s journey.

3. The Federalist is now the Fecalist Get ready for Federalist #2 (aka the Fecalist). This shit-rag of a publication will be your one-stop shop and suppository for all defecatory satire. For

far too long, students have complained about the Federalist’s enormous load of penis fountain jokes. Now, we at the Federalist can proudly say, “out with the dick and in with the deuce!” Other exciting transitional slogans include “for our paper’s betterment, let’s all write on excrement,” “save this publication and switch to defecation,” and “for the magazine’s improvement, let’s stick to bowel movement.” The new masthead will purportedly include the phrase “all the goop that’s fit to poop.”

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Jeremy Renner, You Butler Library Shifts Are a Friend of Mine to 23.99/7 Open Hours

~Robert Burns (probably) if he went to Diana

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Sires club, also known as FUCKS, who expressed their discontent with the lack of European cultural representation on campus.

Ramsey Bottomsworth (CC’24), the assistant treasurer at FUCKS, noted that “there’s just not that same spirit and appreciation for feudalist thought at Columbia as there used to be.” We hear Ramsey’s concerns, and will certainly consider them in the formulation of the next chapter of the Fed. 2. The Federalist Set to Rebrand as the Fjordalist; A Shift to Nordic Content With a recent push by the Columbia student body to see more Scandinavian representation in satire, the Federalist has decided to rebrand as the Fjordalist. The new feel for the paper will consist of politically and culturally significant zingers that hone in on what it means to be Scandinavian.

Bjorn Skrjnekian (SEAS ‘25) commented on his excitement

Mollie Schmidtberger/Feditor-in-Chief

Volume XLI Issue 4

Happy New Year!

So I was minding my own business, pre-gaming with friends, watching Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen not do shots on New Year’s Eve. And, as we all did a shot of Cuervo to celebrate all the times they should have been lubricating, suddenly Jeremy Renner was onscreen, talking about how he almost died saving his nephew from a snow plow.

Roll the clock forward about 6 hours. I had dosed into a heavily lubricated dream state when I heard the

February 2024

screech. That screech. I felt the heat.

That heat. And I apparently snapped.

I walked to the kitchen like any good somnambulist, put on high powered oven mitts, zombie walked back into my bedroom, and, with Hulk-like strength, dislodged my radiator from the floor and propelled it through the bars on my window.

The next morning, it was all over the news that some vigilante anti-climate change group had crushed a Tesla on 116th with a pre-depression era radiator. Thank you, Jeremy Renner. Your story inspires us all.

By Ava Young-Stoner

all students and staff will be expected

small but meaningful to evacuate the building, and all power In an effort to presumably save on

outlets will be turned off. The univer-

labor costs, Columbia administrators

sity cited complaints about a lack of

have announced that Butler Library

mental health resources and an ever-

will scale back its hours of operation

increasing stress culture on campus as

from 24/7 to 23.99/7. In an email to all

the reason for the change. When asked

campus affiliates, President Shafik pro-

what “self-care” activities students can

claimed that the prominent study spot

engage in during the allotted “closed”

will now be closed for 36 seconds dur-

library time, administrators declined to

ing the week (about 5.14 seconds each

comment.

day).

During the 5.14 seconds of closure,

Cheers!

7

8 Volume XLI Issue 4 February 2024 9

Graphic by Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

A Meatball Mystery

Chef Mike Choose Your Own Adventure

By Sasha Maroulis & Shreyas Shridharan

grab one of the black and white cookies, go to part 10. back to your dorm. As you saunter past the giant 9. You find an eyeball in your soup. Holy shit! It’s corkscrew statue, you suddenly remember that you the rest of the remains of Chef Mike’s Grandma! If have Zoom class, and this will be the perfect time to choose wisely my son 1. You walk into Chef Mike’s, and you are you decide to let the world know of this injustice, turn cram this food down your gullet with your screen off immediately embraced by the delectable scent of deli to part 18, and if you decide, “Meh, more protein. I while you listen to your CC professor drone on about Bentham. As you shovel the Cheetos down and nosh meat. You approach the lady with the iPad, ready to needed this anyways,” turn to part 4.

10.

The black and white cookie is excellent, possibly on the old-but-still-piping-hot sandwich, you think to swipe your ID. If you try to speed-walk past her, go to the best you’ve ever had. You take the first bite, savoring yourself, “Yeah. I made the right choice not to trek all part 2. If you use a meal swipe, go to part 3.

2. You make a run for the soup line as she looks it. It reminds you of your childhood. It sends you to the way to Grace Dodge.” Good job!

14. You walk up to the hot sandwich line. After away, but she catches you, and now you’re being heaven. You take the next bite and realize this cookie is actually not that good, it just has more sugar than the an uncomfortable amount of time of being the only publicly berated by the staff as econ students point at person in line, you muster the courage to ask the you and chuckle. If you decide to turn around and say FDA’s recommended weekly intake.

11.

After grabbing a slightly old, slightly mushy person behind the counter if you can get a sandwich.

“Oh, sorry, this is my first time on the meal plan,” as you swipe yourself in, go to part 3. If you decide to hot special, you head towards the chip station. They They ask if you want the vegetarian option, and you say no. They look at you strangely make a run for it regardless, go to Dani Rivera/Managing Editor and say, “There are hot sandwiches part 17. back there near the entrance.

3. You have to decide if you’re Why did you come here?” You’re going to build your own sandwich mortified. Turn to part 16. or grab a premade one. If you settle 15. You sit in the Chef Mike’s for a grab-n-go sub, go to part 6. If dining area, all by yourself, at a you decide to build your own, go round table that seats fifteen. All of to part 12. a sudden, as you glance up at the 4. Really? What are you, insane? clocks that tell you what time it is in Go to part 16.

Tokyo for some reason, you realize 5. Classic. It’s simple, kinda with horror that your CC professor mid, but it gets the job done. If rescheduled class on a Zoom that you start walking to the dining is definitely taking place RIGHT area in the back, turn to part 15. If NOW. Damn. You fucked that up. you grab a take-out lid, shove your Turn to part 16. food in your backpack, and head to 16. You’ve failed. It wasn’t worth your dorm, turn to part 13. a meal swipe. You run to Uris 6. You walk to the premade Library, where your tears will be sandwiches, sneering at those drowned out by the sound of group suckers waiting in line, and take project conversations. Perhaps a look at the options. You notice tomorrow will be your day. there are only a few sandwiches 17. You sprint towards the left, and suddenly, you worry about dessert counter, insistent on getting whether these sandwiches are less fresh. If you say to have those Baked Cheetos that you know you don’t at least one thing from Chef Mike’s for free before the yourself, “Eh, whatever, I’ve eaten John Jay fruit,” and grab an old sandwich, turn to part 11. If you decide to really like, but you know you’ll probably devour them iPad lady calls campus security on you. The first thing walk up to the counter for a fresh hoagie, turn to part anyway later tonight when you’re doing your p-sets. If you see is a giant black and white cookie, and you you take five bags of Cheetos and pray that Chef Mike realize you aren’t going to make it out of Uris with an 14.

7. It may be kinda nasty, but fuck it, there’s a donut doesn’t see, turn to part 8. If you politely grab one bag, unwieldy sub. Do you take the cookie? If yes, turn to part 10. If not, turn to part 16. somewhere under those layers of melted frosting. Now turn to part 4.

12.

You turn towards the build-your-own station, 18. You submit your expose to the Spectator, you have to grab some soup. If you get the chicken noodle soup, turn to part 5. If you get the Italian but while you debate what to order, a slew of philosophy already picturing the NYT internship you are sure to students form a massive line and start arguing loudly land once Chef Mike’s crimes are exposed to the world. wedding soup, turn-a to-a part-a 9-a!

8. Good call. You’re gonna inhale those Cheetos, about the categorical imperative. You realize that it is But you get a swift email response: “This is so funny haha but unfortunately we only publish real accredited and now you need to get a dessert. If you grab a imperative to go back to part 3.

13. You and your lovingly-wrapped sandwich head news. Try submitting this to the Columbia Federalist!” mangled chocolate-frosted donut, turn to part 7. If you

10

AH MY GRANDMA

Volume XLI Issue 4

Yas Queen

Op-Ed: Loudly Talking Shit About Columbia to Tour Groups is My First Amendment Right

By Lee Bollinger (Bayan Shimizu)

freedom to troll I have served as Columbia’s president for more than twenty years, even extending my tenure to keep the school stable during a global pandemic. For even longer, I worked to protect the first amendment both in the academy and in the highest courts in the land.

After decades of service to the university, there is one claim I seek to pass on to our new administration—a call to action to defend our sworn freedoms as Americans on Columbia’s campus: Talking shit about this hellhole to visiting high schoolers and their parents is my sovereign right under the First Amendment.

Looking at the current state of our “esteemed” university, I see our right to free speech under attack (just as it has always been), but now in even more insidious ways; for example, one need only look at how our campus guides treat open discourse with blatant hostility, often threatening even the most benign comments with ejection from the tour, to see our flaws.

I just say a few things about the students here “being the most obnoxious people I’ve had the disprivilege of meeting” and “not knowing shit about how to run a global institution” and maybe a little bit of an impassioned rant against some of the faculty before I’m kicked out of the group! To what end will my freedom of speech be suppressed? How far will some random sophomore with a microphone go in telling me to “go

home” and “get a new job”?

Sometimes I’ll sign up for tours to give those applicants a piece of my mind: usually a few jokes about the admissions scandal back in 2022 (it’s healthy to own up to your mistakes), sometimes a comment on the godawful performance of our team sports (can’t believe I traded Michigan for this shit), or a little joke about how I can’t wait to imagine most of them crying when they get hit with the rejection letter next year.

They usually let me stick around for a while, but then they notice I don’t have a kid with me on the tour. Then, all of a sudden, I can’t stay with the group. Whenever I try citing United States v. Cruikshank to argue my right to assembly, the guide suddenly starts threatening to call campus security to kick me out.

Once upon a time, I dreamt of looking back on my legacy at Columbia with pride, yet instead, I see the conundrum that thousands of leaders

before me bore witness to as their life’s work was undone before them. I devoted my tenure as president to the protection of free speech, but, as Columbia has now made clear, such speech no longer has a home on this campus. As long as I cannot tell a tour guide that they’re wasting time doing this gig instead of a prelaw internship, Columbia’s free speech will continue its disheartening decline.

Em Bennett/Graphics

New Email: SIGN UP FOR A ONE OF A KIND INTERNSHIP! Columbia College <columbiacollege@CHI.college.columbia.edu> To me.

11:69 am (# hours ago)

Hello to Valentine’s day! The Center for Human Interaction (CHI) has an exciting internship program that will help you, dear student, build skills and gain experience outside of the classroom.

Become someone's delusion (and valentine) for community hours and $100 Flex credit!

It's easy to apply! All you need to do is register online, show up to our office in formal attire, and hand your random valentine a package that CHI will provide! Packages include: singular rose, chocolate, confession letter, and a rubber *winky face.* After that, all you have to do is act like you care enough about this other person to maintain a stable relationship.

We hope you’ll take advantage of this great opportunity to grow your Columbia network. Click here to sign up today!

By Silvana Gonzalez #opentowork

February 2024

LA LA LA

11

Munch Munch

The Long Game

Dear Fed: How do I Break it to My Friend That Their when they open up to you about their past.

You

By Zoe Silverman are too cool, you are elusive, you are a mystery.

“Valentine’s Day Date” was smash the vase This is a guaranteed success.

We all have a campus crush: that one speStep Three: Make your move. You can never Just a Schoolwide Email cial person we run into at JJ’s. The inherently be too subtle. By simply finding a seat in the sexual music blasts late at night, and we delude crowded John Jay dining hall for them, they will Begging Them to Show up to ourselves into thinking it will finally lead to know it's time. They will proceed to ask you to the moment we’ve been waiting for. Well, with be their valentine. Be sure to wait at least ten the Men's Basketball Game? one week until Valentine's Day, it’s time to get minutes to respond, and let the silence fill the crafting if you plan to turn that campus crush fantasy into reality. The long game is key, and if you haven't started playing yet, it's time to get in the game.

Step One: Be controversial. Opposites attract—this is true, and this is the key. Everyone else who is hard-core crushing on this campus celeb has already done their research and performed their in-depth Insta stalk. Of course, they have already decided to like everything they like, whatever it may be. This is not you—you are above this classic crush maneuver. Stand out of the crowd and annihilate the competition by hating everything they love. It will intrigue your crush, and the trap will have been laid.

Step Two: Maintain the mystery. Why would authors write Wattpad stories if they didn’t provide hard-core evidence for how to start a relationship? Read a book at their campus improv performance. Act disinterested

air between you no matter how suffocating it may feel—it is a necessary step to maintain your mystery status. Then simply nod once, never twice. Your campus crush is now yours.

PSA: This has worked far too well for me on many occasions and can lead to obsession from the other party. Tread cautiously.

By Oliver Green Dear Fed,

love and basketball

Yesterday, my friend pulled me aside with a huge grin on his face. “Finally,” he beamed, “I’m going to have a date for Valentine’s Day this year!” I was thrilled to hear the news, and I eagerly pressed him for details. “A secret admirer reached out to me through email,” he said gleefully.

“We’re going to go to the men's basketball game together.”

While that seemed like a bit of an odd first date setting, I didn’t think much of it until an hour later, when I checked my email to see a schoolwide

message begging students to attend the very same game. At this point, it dawned on me: my friend had no date at all!

He had simply fallen into the trap of Columbia Athletics!

I don’t want to destroy my friend’s hopes, but I don’t want him to show up to the game only to find Roaree, not his “date,” waiting for him. At the same time, I can’t help but feel that this is a great opportunity to teach him about the dangers of poor media literacy. Oh Fed, what do I do?

Sincerely, Concerned Friend

Valentine’s Date Idea: You Bring Me to Olive Garden and Leave Me Alone with Unlimited Breadsticks

By Mollie Schmidtberger

state. You can sit at a separate table as a night to remember long as you are out of view from my perThis one’s pretty self-explanatory, isn’t spective. I don’t care. it? So here’s my proposal: are you a man All I want this Valentine’s Day is to be who thinks, “Hey, I’d love to go on a first left the fuck alone with a vat of Alfredo date with a beautiful, striking, overall sauce, unlimited breadsticks, and unphenomenal woman except not be there limited chicken and shrimp pasta. These for the entire time?” Look no further! things will please me more than any man Here I am. humanly can.

Simply drop me off at The Olive GarI am also accepting Margaritaville inden, pay ahead of time, and leave me the vitations, God rest his soul. fuck alone. You can leave the premises.

You can leave the city. You can leave the

12

Crumbs crumbs

Meep

Sadistic, Cruel Instructor Moves Assignment Deadline From 11:59 PM to 11:58 PM

By Bayan Shimizu attentive to detail In a heretofore unseen display of brutality, Economics Professor Ben Gordon quietly revised the deadline for Problem Set 3 of UN2178: The German Economy from 11:59 PM to 11:58 PM, resulting in a failure to submit for over 35% of the students enrolled in his course.

The response to Gordon’s change has been quick: at time of publication (12:01 AM), Gordon has lost a previously-held Gold Nugget on CULPA, the unaffiliated teacher-reviewing platform for the university. Sources in the Economics department speculate that the decision was made due to Gordon’s growing disgruntlement “Gordon cut the amount of time I work on the problem set in half, and he has the audacity to mark it as incomplete?” Noah Cadena (CC ‘25) protested. “I can’t believe this—doesn’t he know the kind of students he’s teaching?”

Olivia Ruble/Managing Editor

Little Kid Outside John Jay Eats Shit While Playing With a Ball

By Sasha Maroulis

oof Last Saturday, students walking around campus reported observing several intriguing occurrences involving an inexplicable horde of little kids, nannies, and a random food truck near the sundial.

Samantha Liu (CC ‘25) provided us with her account of an incident she witnessed. “I was exiting John Jay and heading to Butler when I saw a bunch of little kids screaming and running around on the grass outside John Jay. One kid started trying to balance on a soccer ball, and that’s when it happened. He started to slip and I just knew he was gonna eat fat shit.”

Samantha and other students have reported that seeing children eat shit is a fairly normal occurrence when walking around campus on the weekends. Jeffrey Combs (SEAS ‘24) says he saw a kid faceplant right into the shaft of one of the penis fountains last Friday.

“Thankfully, that kid was like 3 feet tall, so he got right back up again and ran off to do other stupid shit,” said Samantha. While we do encourage parents to look after their young kids on campus, we hope they don’t pay them too much attention, or else what will our student body have to entertain them on the weekends?

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Volume XLI Issue 4

February 2024

Silvana Gonzalez/Staff Writer

Hit him harder next time!

13

And the bass keeps...

I Don’t Just Think I’m Better Than You - I Also Take Classes at 8:40 AM

By Izzy Szyfer

how did you even get into Columbia??

Oh, hi! Good afternoon! Wait, it’s only 11:45 AM? The days just seem so much longer and fuller now. You know, because of my 8:40 class, of course!

Golly, I just never realized how much of the day I wasn’t using before this semester. I’m up with the sun, and campus is so quiet and peaceful with all of you sleepyheads in bed until your 10:10 classes. Enjoy it while you can, kiddo, until you have to become part of the real world with the rest of us adults. I actually like the mornings better. What can I say? I’m a total morning person! I’ve actually started waking up at 5 so that I’m at Dodge right when it opens, before the girls basketball team even gets there for warm-ups.

Dude, did you just yawn? Aww, did the little baby have to wake up too early? That’s crazy. You must have really gone downhill since high school. I haven’t been tired in years. I’ve become photosynthetic.

It means I feed off the sun. I learned about it in my 8:40. Maybe you should come sometime! You know, if you can wake up on time.

Oh, what’s the class on? I don’t know. I’m too busy chugging Ferris Nitro Cold Brew to do stuff like “pay attention.” See you there!

bend and snap!

Every parent dreams of their child going to an amazing college… unless that child gets there and decides to major in the humanities, it seems! Sorry, Mom—if, instead of letting me read Percy Jackson, you had let me grind CS:GO, I might have GOne on to major in CS. But what will this dear child do with a degree in classics aside from writing a bestselling fantasy series?

I was mulling that question over myself while binging Netflix, instead of studying for my ‘Feminist Critique in Pre-

Surprise! Columbia Introduces the "Leap Semester:" an Extra Week of Classes Once Every Four Years

Modern

Post-Capital

Literature’

final,

and I accidentally clicked into the “Reese

As I saw Elle Woods cheekily apply to Harvard Law on my laptop screen, I found Advanced Programming in order to make bank after graduation, I could just kick back and cruise through a JD with a chihuahua in my purse and a smile on my face. Bingo!

Unfortunately,

even more life out of our student popu-

Columbia has decided to make this se-

lation?”

mester a “Leap Semester.” The universi-

While the student body has yet to

ty will be adding a week of classes right

come to a clear consensus on this mat-

before spring break, and this modifica-

ter, one can only assume that the re-

tion will occur once every four years.

sponse will be overwhelmingly positive.

When

asked

about

the

deci-

case with my excellent knowledge of A-list fashion brands, I just can't pull it off. I don't have enough pink outfits. Guess I'll watch Animal House and try to rush Beta instead!

Witherspoon’s Greatest Hits” category.

The Fed’s Tips for Romancing Your Professors This Valentine’s Day Em Bennett/Graphics

By Izzy Szyfer take notes Hey there. Single again this Valentine’s Day? No worries.

Columbia’s got lots of almost-eligible almost-singles—the scholars, not just any flirting will do. Here are the Fed’s tips star-crossed romancer.

1. Quote from their publications. What is anyone looking for in a relationship? Someone who gets them. And, if you’re a Columbia professor, someone who gets the argument they posed in that one journal article back in 2014. They’ll think you’re reading their mind when you start quoting them to them, and they’ll be so awe-struck that they’ll fall for you immediately!

And that’s literally it! Have fun, and always cite your sourc-

sion, Columbia College Dean Sorrett

Running running and running running

"law

how much I might want to solve a murder

for turning the grader of your crossed-out answers into your

that in accordance with the leap year,

googling

me," I was forced to face the truth: no matter

innovation at it's finest extra day so that the calendar matches BREAKING—In an innovative and the Earth’s trajectory around the sun, why can’t we add an extra week to suck

after

school how to apply easy law school near

faculty—just waiting for you to reel them in. With these sexy

exciting move, Columbia announced

Olivia Ruble/Mnaging Editor

my answer: instead of suffering through

replied:“Hey, if the world can add an

By Oliver Green

14

I Lived It: I Thought I Wanted to Apply to Law School, But I Just Watched Legally Blonde Too Many Times

By Sylvi Stein

Em Bennett/Graphics

Grace Weinswig/Layout Editor

And running running

Volume XLI Issue 4

February 2024

And running running

15

CONGRATULATION TO OUR 2023 FED BASH KAHOOT WINNERS WANT TO BE A WINNER LIKE GRACE? COME TO OUR WEEKLY MEETINGS IN LERNER 569 AT 8:30PM! FOR INFO ON JOINING THE FED, EMAIL:

CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM

KISSES!

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Volume XLI Issue 4