October 2023 print issue

Volume XL1 • Issue 2 • October 2023

Columbia's Only Newspaper that Chooses Trick Instead of Treat

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD

STAFF

Mollie Schmidtberger Lauren Unterberger Feditors-in-Chief

Ava Young-Stoner Izzy Szyfer Oliver Green Julian Gerber Lillian Aregawi Megan Myerson Sylvi Stein Submissions Editors

Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Managing Editors Bayan Shimizu Dani Winkler

Head Submissions Editors

GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Fenway Donegan Publisher Ava Young-Stoner Copy Editor Ashley Rapp Graphics Editor Sylvi Stein Online Editor Izzy Szyfer Social Media Editor Zoe Davidson Senior Editor Matthew Pierson Social & Events Chair

Sasha Maroulis Silvana Gonzalez Matthew Pierson Zoe Silverman Julian Gerber Rebecca Jensen Sykora Lila Muscosky Xavier Stiles Staff Writers

A Dispatch from the Feditors Ghosts, Ghouls, and Grandparents (Hi Maddie & Neil!), I was working in the lab late one night, when my eyes befell an eerie sight for my monster from his slab began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise, he told me to read the Columbia Federalist. I guess it wasn’t really a surprise, because I (Dr. Frankenstein) created him to advertise the Fed. So if you see a corpse monstrosity handing out this paper in Butler, please tip him, he’s doing so well!

It’s the creepiest, crawliest time of year, so what better way to celebrate the season than to be haunted by the death of print media! SppoOOOOOoookKyyYYY! Our contributors are plenty scared too! With articles like “Spooky Dookie! Ranking Bathrooms Based on Where You’re Most Likely to See Something Scary” and “BooOOOo! A Spooky Ghoul Moved All Your Course

Dalia Estessami Dani Rivera Lila Muscosky Lilian Aregawi Olivia Ruble Macey Stancato Staff Artists

Books to Book Culture on 114th,” our writers’ room is full to the brim with

Eliza Heath Lila Muscosky Oliver Green Sylvi Stein Leeza Barg Staff Copy Editors

Wild, Wild West” Schmidtberger

Leeza Barg Lila Muscosky Fed Tech

PAGE 4: $hack brother

piss. From being scared. No other reason.

Deaditors-in-Chief Lauren “SkeleTony Hawk” Unterberger & Mollie “Wicked Witch of the

Spooky Dookie! Ranking Bathrooms Based on Where You’re Most Likely to See Something Scary

By Olivia Ruble and Matthew Pierson a fart may escape It's Halloween season and campus is as scary as ever. From the devilish decorations in our dining halls to vague attempts by RAs to be “festive,” the spooky feeling is spreading. Yet at this time of year the mundane can send shivers down one’s spine—especially in our bathrooms.

We’re doing our journalistic duty by ranking campus potties by their fear factors.

that a gripper could easily get through make Milbank a living nightmare for the architectonic mind.

accidents). Despite recent renovations, the ghost of bathrooms-past remains unexorcised.

#3: Uris. These bathrooms see incredibly hightraffic volumes, not to mention their proximity to the career center (inspiring many career-anxiety

#2: Butler. Sight. Smell. Touch. On all accounts these bathrooms take the toilet cake for horror. Only one can contend with the beast. #1: Pupin. When SEAS students who haven’t thought about hygiene this decade meet the building at the origins of the nuclear bomb, one can expect some serious waste; but Pupin has continued to defy expectations. These bathrooms are horrific and were actually removed from the initial script of Saw, as the writers thought them too cruel and unrealistic to include in the movie. Pupin holds the number one on our list—just as you should also hold your number one if you find yourself in need of a bathroom after a physics lecture.

#5: Havemeyer. This old classic of a building has many secrets tucked away, one of which being the notoriously hard to find bathrooms. If you do manage to find your way to the restroom, expect scary sights even Spider-Man would fear. #4: Milbank. The layout of this accursed building is responsible for at least 25 architecture majors switching fields every semester. Bathroom stalls swinging into each other, mirrors that capture solely side angles, and stall gaps

Silvana Gonzalez/Staff Artist

Our top five of shame is now complete.

Stay safe in our bathrooms and remember, ghosts can drop presents but not flush nor wipe :(

President Minouche Shafik Goes Public With Left Twix Support

TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 2: this page

PAGE 3: hungry sharties

By Sasha Maroulis

devil's advocate

PAGE 5: hoorah!

With Halloween fast approaching, many in the Columbia community have been eager to hear the new Madame President give her potentially controversial Halloween candy take. In prior years, President Bollinger shocked students by saying that “Almond Joys are lowkey kinda good,” and Dean Sorrett blasphemously proclaimed that he’d "take Milky Ways over Snickers any day of the week.” The Fed obtained

PAGE 6-7: ooey gooey yummy tummy PAGE 8: guys i'm starting to get a little freaked out ok PAGE 9: mom come pick me up Columbia is scary PAGE 10: eating out PAGE 11: lists of 5 PAGE 12: a fight to the death

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Something's in the air tonight

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an exclusive interview with President Shafik to get her spicy, hot tamales-esque take.

“You know,” President Shafik muttered, “I really like left Twix. It has that perfect caramel shortbread coating that hits the spot every time. Whenever I’m signing important papers or shaking hands with people—you know, doing all the serious stuff that Presidents do—I’m always imagining that I could be in my kitchen just eating like 15 left Twix bars in a row. That sounds so epic right now. Damn. How much

Spooky Season is here

longer is this interview?”

We also asked President Shafik to express her opinion of right Twix. “Oh my goodness, don’t even get me started on right Twix. That stuff is straight trash. The consistency is always off, and they make them way too sweet. Why anyone would ever eat that garbage is beyond my comprehension. Truly F-tier.”

We give thanks to President Shafik for being brave enough to share her unwavering love for left Twix.

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Opinion

The Fac Shack is the Coolest Shack on Campus

By Oliver Green fac shack truther

Low Tent: Garbage Uris: Men who say they’re too busy for Halloween but all go as strip policemen.

Butler: Slutty schoolgirl costume.

Milstein: That one group of girls that goes as fairies every year.

Lerner: Giant inflatable T-rex that can’t see or walk properly.

John Jay: Vampire costume but the kid used real blood from a sacrifice he performed last week.

Schermerhorn: The kid that thinks he’s super Italian and dresses as a mob boss and tells everyone he's going as his father.

Milbank Hall: Captain Underpants.

Carman: Girl and guy friend group that formed three weeks ago all going as Playboy bunnies and Hugh Hefner.

Counter: The Fac Shack is NOT the Coolest Shack on Campus

By Green Oliver

fac shack truther

Macey Stancato/Staff Artist

Frat Bro Expresses Concern for the State of Society in Thrilling CC Discussion

By Sasha Maroulis

i'm just a baby In his recent Contemporary Civilizations seminar, sophomore Chet Longwood, a self-proclaimed frat bro, expressed his concern for the state of our society after reading a chapter summary for Plato’s Republic.

He elaborated on what troubled him, stating, “Shit is just really fucked right now. There’s so much divide and it, like, really goes to show just how many flaws be out here in our current state of things.”

This brilliantly eloquent and thoughtprovoking social commentary has been making waves throughout campus, with many regarding Chet’s statements as “refreshing,” “essential,” and even “revolutionary.”

We asked Chet what he thought about the small handful of people who criticized

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his argument, with statements such as “that means absolutely nothing” and “why on earth would you publicize that trash?” “You know,” Chet said, “there’s always gonna be some people that aren’t concerned with the important factors that shape our society. The only thing we can really do is try to educate those people so that we can create a better society and make the world better.”

When we asked Chet for his thoughts on the Allegory of the Cave, he replied that “that shit was hella interesting.” As the intellectually and philosophically driven publication that we, the Federalist, are, we could not agree more with Chet’s appraisal of Plato’s monumental work, and we hope that more students will be driven to share the opinions that are necessary to make the world better. And to make society better too. As well.

America's Growing Divide

Columbia/Barnard Buildings Petition for Roaree to as Halloween Costumes Wear a Little Pumpkin

By Zoe Silverman

Hell yeah, baby! The Fac Shack rules! Coolest shack on campus by a mile, no contest. You walk up, chat with your Fac Shack pals… “What’s up? Not much, how about you? Have a great day, see ya!” It’s not even close—the Fac Shack absolutely DOMINATES every other shack on campus. Booyah, baby!

Deal with it!

The Fac Shack is absolutely not the coolest shack on campus. I hate that place with every fiber of my being… and it’s all for one reason.

Newsflash, buddy—the Fac Shack is not a shack! Call me crazy, but when I see the Fac “Shack,” I see more of a trailer/food truck apparatus, not anything that even remotely resembles a shack. What do I want to see in a shack, you might ask? Creaky doors and a rotting wooden roof—I know you know what I’m talking about. Maybe I’m a hater, but in the Fac Shack, I just don’t see it. It’s not the coolest shack on campus—not by a long shot.

Built like a Brick

Em Wells Bennett/Staff Artist

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Barnard Hall: Athena goddess of the war and hunt—but specifically from the Percy Jackson series.

Hamilton: The one person who cuts eye holes out of a used sheet and calls themself a ghost but really just has super low self-esteem.

Faculty House: Doesn’t go in costume. Too cool for Halloween.

Teachers College: Furry with a fursona.

Mudd: Hand-made Darth Vader costume which functions exactly as in the films.

Diana: The girl in each friend group that refuses to dress in a sexy costume and wears a funny one every year—this year it’s a Minion.

SIPA: The parents who still dress up in matching costumes with their child and proceed to also ask for candy at each house while trick or treating.

Costume for Halloween

By Dani Rivera

IMPORTANT Look at him.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Please sign this and return to the Fed. ____________________________

Diana Brought Back Quesadillas. Now What Am I Supposed to Complain About?

By Dani Winkler always creamy, never sour Dear Fed, Like every other Barnard student, I enjoy nothing more than a good old fashioned complaint about our dining halls: the odd hours, the calorie counts, and our inability to use our points at half of the cafes and specialty eateries on campus. But above all, my favorite thing to complain about was always the distinctive lack of quesadillas.

You see, dear Fed, despite the signage on the SONO station listing bowls, burritos, tacos, and quesadillas, three of those options were unavailable for the majority of the 2022-2023 school year. I’d saunter up to the SONO station each time 12:58PM rolled around and ask for a gooey, cheesy, crispy quesadilla, and every day, I would be met with a resounding “no.” The excuses varied: a broken grill, a tortilla market

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shortage, a fight with a coworker over the last packet of Mexican blend shredded cheese. It became a bit between me and my new friends over at Barnard dining. We’d say our lines, have a laugh, crack open a few beers to round out the afternoon. But disaster struck on September 5th, 2023. I patiently waited alongside the population of Connecticut to “order” my lunch, but when I “ordered” my “quesadilla,” it…actually arrived?

I was shocked. Devastated. What’s worse, when I tried to protest this obvious mistake to my good friend behind the station, she only pointed behind her to the brand-new, ultra-hot grill that had replaced its shoddy predecessor.

Complaining about Diana quesadillas was the best part of my day. Dear Fed, what am I supposed to do now? I’ve already considered dropping out or going on hunger strike—I need an immediate solution.

Please advise, Dani

Charmingly Obnoxious

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

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Graphic By Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Purrrrrr

President Shafik Attends Carman Halloween Party, Immediately Resigns

By Oliver Green

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Natty Light for a Natty Girl New rumors are beginning to circulate that Columbia’s 20th president, Minouche Shafik, has resigned after a brief appearance at a Halloween party on Carman Floor 7. Reports say that Shafik decided to head on over to Carman Hall to hang with the freshmen to celebrate the midpoint of her first semester at Columbia. One eyewitness noted that Shafik “balked” at the stench of body odor flowing under the door and into the hall as she approached the door, steeling herself to be the 51st attendee in the 100 square foot space. In classic Carman fashion, our esteemed new president was only able to last 5 seconds in the mass of sweaty freshmen, and she quickly fled the scene. Our sources on the scene report hearing a posh “Get me out of here” between the hours of 12 and 1 a.m. A statement from the administration implies Shafik then found her way onto the first flight back to London. Although the Fed has not been able to discern what exactly scared Shafik away, one can imagine it must have been quite disgusting, or, in other words, quite typical for a Carman party. Should have tried EC, I guess?

oooOoOoOO My roommate is great, don’t get me wrong! We get along so well together in our humble apartment which is tastefully off-campus but not, like, the Carlton Arms kind of far away. We share chores, communicate effectively, and don’t ever set off the fire alarm at

2AM because we forgot the leftover Chef Mike’s sandwich was wrapped in tinfoil. It's the kind of roommate relationship everyone dreams of.

My roommate has always loved Halloween. They are the kind of person who buys their Halloween costume in July. However, lately they have been wearing a long black hooded cloak that has slowly gathered more blood

Macey Stancato/Staff Artist

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stains (or maybe just Sylvia’s Sauce stains from John Jay dining hall?).

They say they're going to Halloween Lovers Anonymous when they leave the house early, but they came home last night with a necklace made of real teeth and bestowed it upon me as thanks for “being a good roommate.” I would say that’s a red flag, but it kinda matches the indie Barnard aesthetic.

I snuck a peek into their room the other day when the door was slightly ajar, and I noticed there were a bunch of candelabras (but who isn’t a sucker for Yankee Candles?) propped up around a severed lamb’s head. October just started and they’re already going overboard with the decorations!

Do you guys think it's all a big Halloween prank? Or should I start looking to move back into the (ugh) dorms? Let me know ASAP, because when my roommate went out tonight, they said they'd be back with a blood oath and someone’s firstborn. And we seriously don’t have room for that in a studio apartment.

Meowwwwwww

A List of Reasons Why The Columbia Federalist and the FEDERAL RESERVE are NOT THE SAME

By Dani Rivera

once and for all It seems to (still) be unclear to many that the Federal Reserve, in fact, does not have an undergraduate club at Columbia University. The Columbia Federalist has made a statement on this in the past — please read Editorial: We Are Not the Federal Reserve by Max Monical. Yet, somehow, I, Dani, co-managing editor of the (Columbia) Fed, in my half-pink hair and plaid tube top, was asked if I was a part of the FEDERAL RESERVE when recruiting people for the (Columbia) Fed.

How Do I Know if My Roommate Alert: Loves Halloween or Just Joined a Cult? Barnard 600s

By Zoe Silverman

ugh you guys

By Ashley Rapp

wiping with paper towels Alert: Barnard 600s dorms to limit toilet paper distribution due to increased suspicious mummy wrapping activity. Please be mindful of your surroundings near the toilet paper cabinet.

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1. We do not work for the government Looks can be deceiving. Sure, Columbia’s campus can look like a boring government building in Washington, DC. BUT WE ARE NOT THE FEDERAL RESERVE. 2. We don’t know much about money We don’t even have a treasurer on e-board! How the

ghost stories It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals when it was checked by a violent gust of wind that swept up the streets (for it is on Broadway that our scene lies), rattled along the scaffolding, and fiercely agitated the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. The creak of the decaying wood sign outside Book Culture on 114th shrieked as its rusty bolts endured another down-

October 2023

3. We are young and don’t have gray hair and also don’t wear suits Self explanatory.

4. WE ARE FUNNY Imagine the FEDERAL RESERVE photoshopping Deantini and Prezbo on the cover of a newspaper.

Imagine the FEDERAL FUCKING RESERVE spelling BOOB out on a lawn with their own bodies. You can’t.

Because they aren’t us.

fuck could we be a bank?

BooOOOo! A Spooky Ghoul Moved All Your Course Books to Book Culture on 114th

By Ashley Rapp

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Since Max’s article wasn’t enough, here is some reasons why the (Columbia) Fed is not the (Reserve) Fed:

Texting in Class? These Nosy Little Ghouls May Just Change Your Mind!

By Ashley Rapp

pour—the prismatic drip of chalk markers washing away with the violent weather.

But alas, a message remains. “Your coursebooks are [redacted] here.”

getting ghosted Columbia’s hottest snoop is…a little ghoul with a dark bob?

As the spookiest season full of tricks and treats approaches, one silly little ghoul is being fed (heehee fed get it) through her lingering eyes! Beware of her lurking presence behind you in class as she reads not only your texts, but your sidebar previews. Her sinister presence is not to be overlooked; some students reported to have heard gasps, “oohs,” and “ahhs” behind their shoulders as they’ve multitasked in class. This eerie, ethereal presence has further escalated class shenanigans by increasing the screen brightness and tilting the laptop screens of her victims.

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

AShley

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

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An Open Letter to Columbia Admissions: PRIORITIZE FURRY APPLICANTS!

By Anonymous (CC'27)

barkbark It has been a month since I joined the Columbia community, yet the discomfort of the hard reality that no one discusses still breaks my heart. The complete void of furry identities.

I'm seriously considering a transfer to Berkeley, where the furry community is actually active on campus.

It's puzzling to me how not one single soul in a school for nerds, is publicly a furry.

Not even a club? A random person infiltrating campus? Is Columbia euthanizing them?

Their unknown fate feeds my anxiousness.

Now, I know you guys will think “Isn't Roar-ee enough for you?” No. Roar-ee’s uncuteness actually makes me want to wash my eyes in the penis fountain.

1. He does not incite a giggle from my belly.

2. He does not incite me to hug his (definitely coarse) fursuit.

3. And, to top it off, Roar-ee does not have a cute interchangeable tongue that goes merp :p (Though I will say, he did look quite fashionable in that suit for the Inauguration).

Just think about it: furry voices should be advocated more on campus. We can’t shun our outcasts in society, even at Columbia. Picture this: at 2 a.m, JJ's, and a hybrid wolf/ alligator with a shag mullet are in line for some French toast. Orgasmic, am I right?!

As an ally of the funny-as-fuck furries; Columbia admissions: stop discriminating against these anthropomorphic animal characters! Their pure intentions (to make me feel better about myself) should be shown on campus without shame. Woof!

Hot or not?

Barnard's Late-Night Dining Hall Renamed "VaJayJay's"

By Morgan Jones

free the nugget Hydrogenated oils? More like estrogenated oils! As of the Fall 2023 semester, Barnard's Diana Center Cafe transitions to VaJayJay's Place at dusk. Get your hot dogs without the hot dogs, if you know what I mean.

VaJayJay's Supremacy

Top 5 Spookiest Columbia Philosophy Major’s Guide to the Stupidest Halloween Costumes

By Oliver Green

haunting the GroupMe, fated to never move best dressed on.

Need a spooky Columbia-themed Hallow3. The Low tent een costume? The Fed has got you covered this It can come back at any moment to shroud year with our top five spookiest costumes for Low steps and strike fear into every student’s this halloween season at Columbia. heart.

1. PrezGhost 4. Schermerhorn Extension Dress up as PrezBo’s ghost! That’ll be a What’s scarier than frantically running up real fright for administrators who thought 9 flights of stairs before class trying to find a they had finally gotten rid of him. bathroom that may or may not exist?

2. That one guy who still texts in the class 5. A pop quiz on last night’s CC reading GroupMe Eek! We know you didn’t do it!

Everyone thought the chat died over the summer. But no! That one guy is still at it,

Macey Stancato/Staff Artist

Questions to Ask a Philosophy Major

By Sylvi Stein

the leaders of tomorrow 1. Why are philosophy classes not always held in Philosophy Hall?

All humanities classes are in Hamilton, you idiot STEM major.

2. Were all of the ancient Greek philosophers gay?

Actually, some of them were bi.

3. What are you going to do with your degree when you graduate?

My thesis on Nietzschean abstraction will serve me well when I am Columbia’s first Baton Rouge-based Wendy's Employee of the Month.

4. Did you read all the assigned Contemporary Civilizations texts?

SparkNotes has done more for society than Kant ever did.

5. What is the meaning of life?

We literally covered this on the first day of class. Keep up, dweeb.

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Silvana Gonzalez/Staff Artist

“Dude, My Social Media is Gonna Make Me Unelectable” says PoliSci Student Who Will Spend 40 Years of Her Life as an Unelected Official Anyways

By Bayan Parreñas Shimizu emoji over the beer can Following a rambunctious Halloween party, Sarah Fitzgerald (CC ‘25) was heard drunkenly joking to a friend how her “Instagram stories will keep [her] out of office forever!”

Sarah, who has already gained the friendship of a senator’s daughter and the confidence of the future governor of New Jersey, bemoaned how her time at Columbia has ensured that she will never have a shot at winning the seat of a

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powerful public office.

“I can’t complain that much,” said Fitzgerald, while clearing out her former summer hillternship email, “plenty of people here are probably thinking the same thing. I mean, who hasn’t thrown around a few dozen slurs after getting a little tipsy? I mean, sure, I might end up in a gubernatorial cabinet or something, but what’s even the point of reshaping the political landscape for generations if you don’t have the social validation from popularity?”

Dog filter or real life dog?

Silvana Gonzalez/Staff Artist

A Guide to Trick-Or-Treating (but really, just tricking) on Halloween

By Rebecca Jensen

smell my feet!

1. Spread a rumor that your least favorite floormate is hosting a party in their room: people will show up at all times of night knocking on the door, prohibiting them from getting a good night's sleep.

2. If applicable, befriend their roommate for access to their room and play "Elf on the Shelf," except instead of an elf it's a tiny witch with a motion sensor that will cackle every time they walk past it. Put it in a different place every day.

3. Stakeout the laundry room; every time they do laundry, move their clothes from one ma-

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chine to another, causing them to question their memory.

4. Similarly, since you're already staking out the laundry room, you might as well remove one single sock each time they do laundry throughout the whole year, until they are left with only one sock of each pair.

5. Break into the psychology lab, steal a battalion of rats, teach them the person's scent, and have the rats follow them around.

Em Wells Bennett/Staff Artist

BOO!

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Bayan Shimizu/Head Subs Editor

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