Fed Fall Issue 1 2023

Volume XLI • Issue 1 • September 2023

Columbia's Only Newspaper that Forgot to Wish their Dad a Happy Birthday

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD

STAFF

Mollie Schmidtberger Lauren Unterberger Feditors-in-Chief

Ava Young-Stoner Izzy Szyfer Julian Gerber Lillian Aregawi Megan Myerson Sylvi Stein Submissions Editors

Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Managing Editors Bayan Shimizu Dani Winkler

Head Submissions Editors

GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Fenway Donegan Publisher Ava Young-Stoner Copy Editor Ashley Rapp Graphics Editor Sylvi Stein Online Editor Izzy Szyfer Social Media Editor Zoe Davidson Senior Editor Matthew Pierson Social & Events Chairs

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Cassie Wu Chris Mendell Emma Sullaway Jennifer Zhang Liza Muscosky Martha Wyatt-Luth Molly Byum Pailyn Tayjasanant Reese Alexander Sofia Marie Matson Sophie DiPietro Xavier Stiles Staff Writers Dalia Estessami Dani Rivera Lila Muscosky Lilian Aregawi Olivia Ruble Macey Stancato Staff Artists Eliza Heath Lila Muscosky Oliver Green Sylvi Stein Leeza Barg Staff Copy Editors Leeza Barg Lila Muscosky Fed Tech

Mmm, Yummy Teeth!

Letter From The Feditors Happy first Fed of the school year!

While you were busy going to class (lame) and looking for Mr. Beast’s special

John Jay to Host an “Annual Visit to the Dentist” Themed Dinner

By Aruna Monika Das

surprise suitcase (cool?), we were busy writing down every single thought we’ve ever had and putting them all into one perfect issue. Unfortunately, we lost that edition in a Chef Don Pizza oven-related incident, so here’s this burnt calzone of an issue instead.

This Fall, we’ve welcomed home season regulars like Bottle Flip Man and Chefs Mike & Don, while making room for new soon-to-be beloved fan favorites, like Presidents Rosenbury and Shafik, and Secretary Professor Hilary Rodham Clinton.

We’ve got a great, if not good, issue for you, chock a’ block full of the kind of hard-hitting journalism Morningside Heights deserves. Between incest op-eds and roommate drama, you’re sure to relate to an article somewhere in this paper. Or, at least, we hope you do. Please do. God please oh god oh fuck please they have my wife they’re gonna kill her please.

flosses daily

questioning what brand of mouthwash they use. Muted Disney Channel cartoons will be playing on TVs

mounted to the ceiling. That one guy from your Lit Hum class who is majoring in music will be DJing using sound bites of dental drilling, a child crying, and samples of a voice asking if you’ve been flossing regularly.

The dining staff has also prepared themed desserts, including a cake garnished with liberal dollops of Colgate (“Great Regular Flavor”) and Jello made with Listerine instead of water.

Columbia Dining is also aware that students often struggle to find cutlery at John Jay, especially during themed meals. To address this shortage, they will be removing all forks, spoons, and knives from the premises. Instead, students shall be handed a case of floss at the door so that they can lasso their food (and clean their teeth afterwards).

Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist

Heartened by the positive reactions to themed meals such as “May the Fourth Be With You,” and “Friendsgiving,” Columbia Dining has revealed its next big event: “The Annual Visit to the Dentist.”

“We wanted to really allow Columbia students to remember and relive core and formative moments of their childhood,” explained Columbia Dining spokesman Clementine Broccoli. “For this event, we aimed to recapture that nostalgic feeling of terror that you experience when you are six years old at the dentist’s office.”

As diners attempt to fill their plates with food, they’ll be accosted by a dental hygienist aggressively

"Nah, I Should Get A Good Night's Sleep for Tomorrow," Says Student Skipping Party Where He Would Have Networked to a $200k Entry-Level Job and Found Social Fulfillment

XOXO, Mollie and Lauren Feditors-In-Chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: back to school festivities PAGE 4: an overwhelming list of demands PAGE 5: stone cold killers.

PAGE 6: the woes of living PAGE 7: MISOGYNY! PAGE 8-9: where am I PAGE 10: hot and spicy PAGE 11: do you smell that???

PAGE 12: marry me chef mike PAGE 13: 69 PAGE 14: some say there is a ghost on this page PAGE 15: preparing for spooky season PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say

By Bayan Shimizu need my beauty sleep Choosing to prioritize his studies, Zachary Chen (SEAS ‘26) rested well at 10:30 PM to prepare for his 8:40 AM class, inadvertently missing out on a lifechanging connection that would otherwise shape his future.

Chen, who decided to get his act together for his sophomore year, vowed to only attend parties when it wouldn’t interfere with his studies. This vow led to his decision to stay in the dorm and adequately rest before his upcoming Applied Mathematics course, where his

Volume XLI Issue 1

September 2023

professor would review the syllabus for forty minutes

happy he was with the decision. Waking up alone in his

before dismissing the class early.

dorm at 7:45 AM, Chen walked to class without ever

Reportedly, had Chen gone to the aforementioned party, he would’ve met and bonded with upperclassman

once considering a possible future of weekly movie nights and parties with a new best friend.

Joshua Smith (CC ‘24) over a shared passion for

“It’s crazy, I’ve never felt this well rested,” said Chen,

Spaghetti Westerns, forming a lifelong friendship.

while refreshing joinhandshake.com on his laptop. “I

Smith, who was last seen blackout drunk in JJ’s Place

feel like I can do anything. I’m gonna ace this quarter,

at 3 AM, would have later recommended Chen for a

I’m a goddamn academic weapon! 4.33 GPA, here I

lucrative position at his father’s tech firm.

come.”

Chen slept soundly for nine hours, which would

Zachary Chen was last seen making accidental eye

have been $1,080 worth of hourly pay had he befriended

contact with Joshua Smith from across the room at JJ’s,

Smith during that very night, later discussied how

before looking back down at his phone.

Successful and Gorgeous

3

Vagina

In Effort to Expand Food Options, Columbia Frantically Unveils 58 New Dining Halls

By Oliver Green how will I keep up???

BREAKING – As part of a new movement towards more oncampus dining options, Columbia has decided to open 58 new dining halls. While many thought the Fac Shack would be the last addition to an already crowded field of dining halls, Chef Mike reportedly said, “Screw that! We’re gonna cram a hall everywhere we can fit one!”

There are quite a few highlights from this onslaught of new dining halls being unveiled this semester.

These include “Doritos N’ Dew” in the Wallach Gaming Lounge, “the

British Admits at Columbia University Now Outnumber Lanternflies, New Study Shows

By Rebecca Jensen

Uris Pool Seafood Shed,” and “the Furnald Fruit Salad Bar,'' devoted entirely to serving Ferris’s unique mixture of 1 part fruit, 2700 parts lettuce.

Rumors are beginning to circulate that this slew of new food options are actually a desperate ploy from Chef Mike to regain Columbia’s 2018 “Best Campus Dining” rating from The Daily Meal. Whether or not these new dining halls will reinstate Columbia’s culinary glory remains to be seen, but at least nobody will have to eat Ferris pizza out of desperation again!

bloody hell!

A new study conducted by a Carman freshman showed that there may be a new invasive species in the city: Brits.

“It’s impossible to get on an elevator and not hear an accent,” a researcher from the Teacher’s College Department of Applied Linguistics stated. British students have even started to be compared to lanternflies, with their accent spreading faster and farther than the flies themselves.

Scientists and experts in the field have

Olivia Ruble/Managing Editor

How to Make Sure Your Dear Columbia: Give NSOP Friend Group Me Vagina Fountain Stays Your Permanent or Give me Death Friend Group

By Mollie Schmidtberger

we do not stand for vagina erasure

By Lila Muscosky

Hi Columbia. It’s me again. I know you’ve heard my very loud and very public pleas over the last three expensive years that I’ve spent at your institution.

You’ve heard all the rumors about how freshman orientation friend You might’ve thought I would lose steam over this, but I am passionate about groups never stay together, but now that NSOP is over and you’ve created campus issues and you can never take that spirit away from me. It’s my senior lifelong bonds with so many people over 2 AM JJs burgers, we at the Fed are year and frankly, I have nothing left to lose. So this is my last hurrah, my final here to help guarantee that you’ll stay best friends for all four years of college! attempt, my scream to be heard round the campus buildings.

1. NEVER MEET ANYONE NEW. Why would you need to look outside of your NSOP buddies for new pals? Over the course of two Give me a vagina fountain or give me death. weeks, you’ve already met more people who play Dungeons & DragIt’s been a long time. The penis fountains have been erected for years, and ons than you thought could possibly exist! Don’t get greedy. yet where is the vagina fountain? I want it, and I want it now. It’s about damn 2. CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO ENSURE YOU ALL HAVE THE time.

SAME CLASSES. Sure, you didn’t plan on becoming an Applied What other way would you rather get the campus wet? The student population Math major, but taking Partial Differential Equations is a small price is bursting with excitement over the idea of it. Imagine if that dream were to to pay to stick with your platonic soulmates! become reality. It would make a lot of lonely SEAS kids very happy. Don’t you 3. NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT NSOP INSIDE JOKES. Rememwant to make my wish come true? ber that time you tried to shotgun a White Claw in the Carman floor lounge? That’s a core memory that binds you to the other freshmen The ballsMacey are officially in your court now, Columbia. Make it happen.

Stancato/Graphics Ashley Rapp/Staff Writer for life. You’re gonna be telling your kids about that one. popular and nice

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Hey Little Girl...

How will I keep up????

Volume XLI Issue 1

gone on record to say that the best way to deal with the new environment is to avoid talking to people. “Sometimes, ignorance is bliss,” the traumatized freshman said, “and this is one of those cases.” Earplugs are also recommended.

Multiple freshmen have reported receiving visits from a group of British boys that claim to be their neighbors asking to “take a gander at the jolly good view from [their] room.” Experts recommend anyone that witnesses this call CPS immediately.

Lila Muscosky/Staff Artist

I Swear I’m Your Grandma and Not a Wolf in Her Bed

By Mollie Schmidtberger Granny only loves good girls Come here child, what did you bring me? Oh, some delicious apples, how lovely.

You’re so nice to your grandma, sweetheart. I’m so lucky to eat you—I mean have you.

What big ears I have? Okay, kinda rude, Little Red. Didn’t your mom ever tell you not to talk that way to your elders? Also, I’m like 90 years old and going deaf in the left ear so that’s kind of insensitive to say. Like, way to rub it in kid. Just come over here and give Granny an apple. I need to bite something and you’re not close enough, I mean the fridge isn’t close enough.

What big eyes I have? Well, thank you for that one, actually.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but a few people have called them captivating. And you

September 2023

know what’s the kicker? I don’t even need glasses.

I know, it’s crazy. I was just blessed with this 20/20 vision. It’s why I’m just a good hunter–I mean gatherer.

What large hands I have? Oh you little shit. Just

when I was warming up to you, you gotta go back on your compliments and start this up again. You’re lucky I’m a bedridden bitch and can’t jump at your throat right this instant. Oh, wait. I can! I’m a wolf in my prime. Actually, Little Red, scratch that last sentence from the record.

You didn’t hear anything. Now, come closer to Granny. I’m getting mighty hungry, my dear.

What a big mouth I have?

Excuse me, what a big mouth I have? You’ve been back talking to your own grandmother for the past five minutes and I have a big mouth? Lord, child someone needs to get some sense into you. You’re old enough to go through the woods alone, you’re old enough to know you can’t just say this shit. Oh whatever, why am I trying to teach you anyway, I’m just gonna eat you now. You better not taste as bad as your attitude.

Ashely Rapp/Staff Writer

WHAT NICE BOOTYCHEEKS YOU HAVE

Macey Stancato/Staff Artist

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Advice: "My Professors Don't Have a Wikipedia Page.

Am I Screwed?"

By Ronit Kathuria

not even on CULPA Pauline, a junior at SEAS, wrote in during her most recent registration window: "I haven't looked at the difficulty of any classes, but I want to make sure my teacher is famous enough to be on Wikipedia. Some of them aren't!

My roommate is currently taking a course with adjunct professor, Hillary Clinton, and as you can see, this teacher doesn't have a page either. I'm worried about my quality of education and wondering why I came to Columbia in the first place. Help!"

Dearest Pauline, I understand your concerns. Sometimes a Google Knowledge Panel, a bio from a website, or a summary

of their published material just isn't enough. When I ask Google who I'm going to give my blood, sweat, and tears to, I always hope that they have a sweet, sweet Wikipedia page. I want to let you know that everything's okay because these things can be fixed and acted upon. And I'm not saying to go and write them a page on the website, because you are simply not smart enough to do so. By participating in Wikipedia editing, you will see how fragile the system is. This will break the illusion and will make it very difficult to use as a starting point come time to write papers.

The correct way to make any teacher internet famous is to write extremely vivid fanfiction about them so that a reader notices your craftsmanship on Ao3 and writes a Wikipedia article about said teacher(s). In your story, put details about the faculty member's early

life, background, education, research projects, and the way they adjust their cascade of effortlessly beautiful, slightly disheveled hair. Perhaps you’ll say how you hold your breath as each strand of their hair seem to have a life of its own—each one embodying a philosophical inquiry, each one a note in a grand symphony of knowledge, life, and passion? How their gaze passes over you, but then—unmistakably—pauses, locks, and lingers? It was as if the act transitioned from academic theater to private confession, and the palpable tension tightens. It sends a thrill down your spine investigating this feeling further, and you can't tell whether Hamilton Hall's temperature spiked or it was just you. Write what you can—quickly. Share your passion, and their Wikipedia will follow in due time.

Hope that helps!

I Love Everything About My New Letter to the Roommate, Except For The Fact Feditors: Why That He’s a Chimpanzee Wearing I’m Pro Incest Sunglasses

By Anonymous

um

By Oliver Green bananas everywhere I’ve heard a lot of roommate horror stories over the years, but this isn’t one of them. My roommate is

Lila Muscosky/Staff Artist

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nice, quiet, respectful of my personal space, and he keeps the dorm perfectly neat. He gives me company when I’m upset, and he gives me room when I just want to be alone.

He even lent me a spare hairbrush when I left mine at home. There’s just one small thing that bothers me, though. I think he might be a chimp wearing sunglasses.

I first noticed this when I walked into my room and saw a chimp wearing sunglasses. I gave an awkward hello, and he reached out his hand; I cautiously shook it, and he grunted with glee. I thought surely this must be some kind of mix-up, as I’ve heard Columbia housing sometimes has some issues with roommate assignments. However, nobody seemed to believe me.

After I introduced my best friend to my chimpanzee roommate, I pulled her aside to ask if she noticed anything off about him. She conceded

that he can be a bit quiet and hard to understand at times, but she laughed me off when I told her that he’s literally a monkey. Trying desperately to get her to believe me, I walked over to my roommate and yanked his sunglasses off. My friend looked him up and down, just shrugged, and said, “Well, everybody has their quirks.”

The next night, I woke up from my sleep to see my roommate sleepswinging around the room. I thought that Columbia Housing must have some rule about allowing students to cover their ceilings with vines, but when I called them about this they said my roommate was acting perfectly within the behavioral guidelines.

I really have nothing against the guy; he’s been very respectful to me. I think I just might prefer a roommate who’s a little more human. If anyone out there is looking to swap rooms, please let me know!

Stop Incest 2023

My sister is super hot.

HONK Better to have loved and lost...

“Why Won’t He Play Hard to Get?”–Love Affair With JJ’s Place Dwindles After Introduction of 24-Hour Dining

By Oliver Green

open for all hours of the day, moving on its comforting atmosphere has

Ever since my freshman year,

become a little smothering.

I’ve had a special romance with

Sure, sometimes I need some

JJ’s Place. In all my times of direst

fries to accompany a tough

need, I was able to head down

night in Butler, but I don’t need

there, sweat my head off in a line

to procrastinate during my

for 30 minutes, and walk away

physics all-nighter by going

with a burger as black as the

ham on the Coke Freestyle

vacuum of space.

machine at sunrise.

However, there was always

Unfortunately, it seems to

a limit. While JJ’s arms were

be only a matter of time before

“always” open for me, it needed

my spark with JJ’s inevitably

some alone time. My 5 AM

fizzles

breakdowns about my chemistry

treasure what we had together,

class had to occur elsewhere, and

and I hope you find someone

I think this was good for our

who treats you well for all 24

relationship. But now that JJ’s is

hours of the day…

I

will

always

Gilda Pretolani/Staff Artist

Columbia to Open Local Columbia a Fourth Building Misogynist Only Gives Barbie a 4.5 on Named Dodge

By James Coppersmith Sir Dodge the Fourth This morning, President McBain Shafted announced the construction of a second gym for Columbia students to use.

“We’re naming it Dodge,” she stated. “Yeah, we already have a gym named Dodge, but there’s like thirty things called Columbia, so that issue hasn’t stopped us before.”

With the University already having Dodge Gym, Dodge Hall, and Dodge Dining Hall – all three of which are in separate buildings – this marks the fourth building to be named Dodge –

Volume XLI Issue 1

out.

September 2023

and will also be built in a separate building.

Designed by the architect of Lerner, the gym is set to be entirely on a slope to encourage movement. It will be 80 square feet in size, dimensions that inhabitants of Wallach will feel at home in. It will only be open on Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 4PM - 6PM, specifically to overlap with the time when you have to go to Music Hum. While speaking with Shafted at the press conference this morning, I had only one question on my mind: “Who was this Dodge guy anyways?”

Letterboxd

By Lauren Unterberger

trophy husband In the same year that the first woman ever served as Vice President of the United States, a Columbia sophomore gave the Barbie Movie (Dir. Greta Gerwig, 2023) a 4.5 on his Letterboxd ranking. Despite having a mother, a grandmother (at least 2 at some point), and even a sister and/or aunt, Charlie Shandbox (CC’26) wrote in his review: “It was alright. Will Ferrel is the GOAT lol. Fire emoji” In spite of the fact that he pledges allegiance to a flag originally officially sewed by notorious

Than to be a virgin you loser

Philadelphian and woman, Betsy Ross, campus woman-hater Charlie Shandbox (CC’26) answered on a survey leaving the theater that he would “probably” recommend it to a friend. Alternative to him having DNA, as discovered by British chemist Rosalind Franklin, neighborhood male chauvinist Charlie Shandbox (CC’26) only saw the Barbie Movie (Dir. Greta Gerwig, 2023) once in theaters, despite his local theater offering many showings the day he saw it. One can only wonder about the misogynistic horrors lurking within the mind of our very own campus bigot.

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Graphic by Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Shaq Attack!!

BREAKING: First Shaq at Fac Shack Snacks on Week of School Heat Apple Jacks Wave Caused by Chef Don's Pizza Oven

By Julian Gerber

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

no big deal

By Lila Muscosky

worth the heat The sweltering heat wave that prompted a flurry of heat advisory emails this week was a lovely welcome back as students moved onto campus for the new school year. After much speculation about the correlation of this heat wave wit the return to campus, it was found that the excessive heat in the city was created by an overuse of Chef Don’s pizza oven.

After a successful opening last spring, Chef Don’s pizza has been in incredibly high demand and the heat was uncontainable. We are still investigating the exact details of this case and will keep you updated on any new news that we hear.

Campus was abuzz when baseketball legend Shaquille O'Neal visited the Fac Shack, Columbia's newest dining location. Shaw, who arrived with a knapsack full of knick knacks, was eager to snack on some Apple Jacks at the Fac Shack.

Shaq didn't talk smack about the Fac Shack, and instead said he'd be back. We'd be taken aback if Shaq comes back to the Fac Shack with a pack of quarterbacks. Congrats to Columbia Dining for picking up the slack.

Columbia's Newest Addition to the Core: "Stank Hum"

By Olivia Ruble & Matthew Pierson pee you

Places I Would Take Pres Rosenbury to Introduce Her to Barnard

By Dani Rivera

Die-hard Core Curriculum fans rejoice! The Center for the Core Curriculum is pleased to announce its newest addition to the Columbia Core Curriculum: "Masterpieces of Personal Hygiene," otherwise referred to as "Stank Hum." The course will be interdisciplinary in nature, inviting students to engage with the stank in many forms: chemically, philosophically, artistically, romantically. Students will participate in

Dear Instead HolyFreshmen: Shit: That of the Promoter at Palace, Guy on Low Beach Call these People on Just Backflip FridayDid NightaInstead

dynamic (and stanky) classroom discussions which will challenge their understanding of corporal odor. In addition to the time spent in the classroom, students will be invited to attend a robust schedule of (stanky) extracurricular activities, such as interactive cheese caves, empty-but-yourealize-why-too-late-subway-cars, and the eight yard-radius that surrounnds Dig Inn. The course will be offered for the first time in the Spring of 2024 and will be required of all students, including graduating seniors and especially SEAS students There will be one section and it will have six spots.

By Sophie Simons

By Dani Winkler

damn. the people that matter.

1. Your mother 2. Your father 3. Your grandparents 4. Your great aunt 5. Your cousin who just moved to the 'Big City' (Boston) 6. Your 2nd grade babysitter 7. The religious leaders in your hometown 8. Experian (it's never too early to clean up your credidt score) 9. Mr. hooda, esteemed owner and operator of Hooda Halal 10. The Book Culture on 114th and Broadway (apologize for calling about your Intro to Economic Reasoning tetbook in stock) 11. Whoever is behind those horny JJ's playlists 12. The Container Store (I heard they just got roller carts back in stock)

ENGL BC3288 is NOT What You Think

By Ashley Rapp

TLDR: a waste of time real world experience

As both an English major and

Hey Laura...

Thanks for coming to Barnard. I'm sure you've been given a lunch of campus tours, but quite honesty —there's more to Barnard outside of our 4 block campus.

Here's some spots I propose you check out to REALLY have the Barnard experience.

• Henrietta Hudson (Bar and Girl) The easiest way to find a Barnard student off campus.

• L-Train Vintage Maybe you can get some new fits... but what you really ned is the little L-Train tote bag. Everyone has it.

• Playhouse Pull up with that Barnard endowment $$$ in fresh bills (if you truly support queer artists) and dance the night away with Barnard sophmores!

• Trader Joes on W 72nd I'd reccomend the frozen butter chicken, it'll fit well withyour busy schedule. Don't forget your tote!

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MEEP

unofficial transfer success story, I find joy in mentoring the youth; and so, I am here to caution certain crowds against joining the Barnard English Department class titled "Romance." This course focuses on the chivalric romance written within the 5th to 20th centuries, NOT a graphic Harry Styles fanfic written by a modern tween on Ao3 or Wattpad. I caution eager students, who were formerly freaky middle and high scoolers, against enrolling in such a course under the false pretense of smut and lore!

Sam Wang/Grfaphics

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

HENRIETTA HUDSON BAR AND GIRL

Volume XLI Issue 1

September 2023

LARRY TRUTHER

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

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TASTY AND DANGEROUS

Startup Offers Donut Famous Columia Giveway on Campus in Alumni Advice to Exchange for Student's Souls Incoming Freshman

By Sylvi Stein

mmmmmmm With the start of another academic year, student-led startups have been popping up all over Columbia's campus, promising unsuspecting and hungry undergrads the melting glazed donut of their dreams if they sign up for their new app. However, according to recent Fed discoveries, Satan has found that these interactions are the perfect way to trick eager freshmen into

some low-stakes demonic contracts. "Yeah," Lucifer told the Fed, "I just bought a twelve-pack of baked goods from Mo Willy, got a folding table, and the next thing you know I have undergrads lined up to sign blood pacts. Way easier than the whole 'money, riches, fame' thing I usually have to pul out to get those innocent virginal souls!" During our investigation, one student confessed that they didn't have a soul anymore since they declared their Economics major, so Satan may actually be getting a pretty bad deal.

SoGilGilda Pretolani/Staff Artistist

wise words from the wisest men We at the Fed know one's first year can be the scariest time in college, so we reached out to the worldwide network of Columbia alumni to ask what they wish they knew when they were first-years. Here are the tips for surviving and navigating that classic rough-and-tumble Columbia lifestyle!

"I didn't read a single book in LitHum and guess what?

To this day no one has asked me a single question about the Odyssey. I'm thriving." - Barack Obama

"lmao I got outta there as soon as I could. Seeya when you're NYU transfers, suckers." - Timothee Chalamet "Looking back, the one regret of my life is that I really wish I spent more time chilling in JJ's." - Dwight D. Eisenhower "Don't try to found a right-wing newspaper, or it might become an incredibly popular and hilarious satire paper instead."

- Justice Neil Gorsuch

Yes, Chef! How Chef Mike Became Columbia's Most Eligible Bachelor baboy!

Something feels different on campus. Is it that the bushes around Furnald have finally been trimmed? Is it that all the freshman dorms have A/C, desppite Columbia saying they didn't have the money? No. The campus is in uproar from the fantastical levels of support for everyone's favorite guy on campus: Chef Mike!

The recent season of FX's The Bear has caused a resurgence in chef-based internet content, which has drawn new and returning students to Chef Mike's Sub Shop. Additionally, fan videos posted from the show have demonstrated how good line

12

cooks look in their white aprons and little hairnets, both of which have directed a new surge of attention towards Chef Mike.

"I read an article saying he's been happily married for 25 years, but I don't know, I feel something between us," reported Olivia R. (CC'26).

"When I took a bit of his Grandma's special, I truly understood him.

TA's are out; chefs are in," reported one student, who asked to remain unnamed.

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

JUST LIKE CHEF MIKE'S SUBS

WARNING! Your Parents Know People in New York

By Skye Ferris

dishes, and she, in a shocking turn of events, will not

of you have never had a single conversation before,

stop talking.

but you'll tour him around campus while you get to

A friend of a friend of your mother's (why is it you

her the news of his latest kitchen installation and his

parent's grasp? Think again! Here are the people they're

can't escape your mother, even in a place she's never

home's crumbling foundation

going to put you in touch to socialize with, and they do

lived?) who will suggest a church for you to attend.

expect a report back:

After you indulge her one time and she introduces

You'll meet him and his daughter, who's desperate to

you to every young person she can spot in the pews

get into Columbia and didn't apply to Barnard, at the

A "friend" of your mother's from summer camp who

(which is a total of 2), she'll send you a Christmas

Hungarian Pastry Shop. The daughter will ask, "but

doesn't ever stop talking and will invite you to her

gift of hand-designed socks. Not a bad outcome.

do Barnard students take Columbia classes, and eat

a sticky situation

By Sylvi Stein

"When I'm too stressed or depressed / I just sit back and express / myself through freestyle rap / and it all doesn't seem like such a mess." - Alexander Hamilton

By Fenway Donegan

Whoa, Nelly!

Volume XLI Issue 1

Did you think that college was the time to escape your

•

•

•

Your father has a friend from college, who knew?

Columbia food, and join Columbia clubs?" and then

home for an early dinner with her young husband Your cousin on your mother's side who normally re-

the father will ask, "then why does Barnard even ex-

still being their summer camp counselor and you

sides six hours away. He'll be jogging in Central Park

ist?" Then you'll walk back up to campus and point

will spend two hours as an unpaid babysitter while

when it will occur to him that he is in your neigh-

out the same buildings you showed to your cousin.

her kindly husband serves you food and does the

borhood. He's ten years older than you and the two

Is it getting old yet?

and two young kids. The kids will mistake you for

•

Subway Fares Increasing from $2.90 to $6.90 (Because that's the Funny Number)

By Lauren Unterberger nice Many New Yorkers were outraged by the 15 cent base fare increase for subway, local buses, and paratransit, as announced in late August. Cost of living in NYC has increased exponentially while the economy is still probably bad. So, in an attempt to mollify angry commuters, the MTA has decided to take swift action and increase the fare from $2.90 t0 $6.90 (the funny number).

Some critics have claimed that "this just makes taking the subway more expensive" and "this is outside of Gov. Kathy Hochul's agreement to increase fares every two years," but fans of this decision remain supportive. They laugh and smile, because $6.90 is the funny number. The sex number.

Economists don't know what to make of the decision and the potential financial ramifications, but they do know that it's funny because it's the funny number. because it's like 69.

The Fed's transportation correspondent reports of the MTA's decision, "Nice."

September 2023

Lila Muscosky/Staff Editor

Swipe to feel something

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NOOOO!!!!

Person Aggressivley Killing Holy Fucking Lanternflies Mistaken for Shit: He's Back Irish Step Dancer

By Bayan Shimizu

oh no

By Dani Rivera

click clack splat Following a lecture on invasive species in EESC BC1001 (Intro to Environmental Science), a first-year Barnard student challenged herself to #SaveTheTrees and kill as many spotted lanternflies as humanly possible. The bugs beneath her bounced up and down as she flailed her extended legs around. She was determined to massacre every little insect on the Altschul terrace, and quickly found herself with a motivational crowd that observed her in awe.

The first-year was honored that so many other

environmentalists had found her but was shocked that they refused to join her in destroying such an invasive species ... the Fed spoke to a specttor that happened to be a senior that had just gotten back from stuy abroad.

She told the Fed, "It was like I was back in Dublin! I was thinking of joining her but I'd need to have a couple of beers first [she giggled] ... did I ever tell you that I was studying abroad last semester?"

No fucking way. I swear to god I just saw him walking into Low Library. This can't be real, I thought they locked hm in the Manhttanville campus or something. Somebody, please tell Shafik he escaped containment.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

unprecedented A classroom of Environmental Science and Engineering majors were befuddled by the strange enthusiasm of Professor Matthew Nguyen as he explained the effects of ocean acidification on the ocean's role as a carbon sink.

"Every day I walk into this classroom and learn more about how our planet has one foot in the grave and 19 nails in the coffin," said Grace Williams (CC '25), "If I had to teach that material to a bunch of doeeyed college students, I'd have fled to the wilderness by now."

Another student, Jeff Scanborough (SEAS '27

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recalls similar experiences in Professor Nguyen's class.

"I feel like his lectures are lesss about teaching us the material and more of a coping mechanism. I came into office hours one day and he just dumped a bunch of figures about the ice caps and global warming on me with a smile on his face. I understood barely half of it, but it was enough to give me nightmares."

For Professor Nguyen, a 15-year veteran of Columbia's Departmet of Earth and Environmental Sciences, his sstuent's observations don't come as a suprise.

"At some point you just accept that this is gonna be your life for the next few years until everthing goes

REDEFINING SQUASH

Help! My Card Got Declined and Now the Hitman I Hired to Kill the 400 People Ahead of Me on a Waitlist is Hunting Me Instead!

By Anonymous

stalking me i am a gazelle he is a lion is that the sound of lovers kissing in the i swear they're following me...

shadows or a handgun cocking? my eyes are trickers they lie to me i see stars in

i don't have much time so listen quick i wanted to get into a section of UNI

the darkness brilliant flashes of light or perhaps a laster sight? i cannot bear much

1400 so bad i was desperate so i hired a hitman to kill all of the people ahead of

more of this torment it is agony it is too much i was a fool i must leave i don't

me on the waitlist and it worked even though he had to bump off some SSOL

even care about this class anymore i crawl on my belly toward the daylight i see

security agents that got wise which i'm pretty sure is punishable by explosion (or

sunshine i feel warmth i am radiant i will be ok i will survive

death if i'm lucky), square reader or the wifi was bad but nope! it turns out i owe unfortunatley,

him a life debt so i've been hiding deep deep deep in the recesses of the butler stacks fo days

anonymous

and days i tell you and every sound i hear is the hitman around the corner he is

Olivia Ruble/Managing Editor

Inspirational: This Environmental Science Professor Doesn't Live his Life in a State of Constant Suffering

By Bayan Shimizu

Murder?

kaput, and then you just get to revel in it," explained Professor Nguyen. "I explained the positive feedback loop caused by the melting ice caps to this freshman who was taking the class as a science credit and just watched his hope for the future drain from his eyes.

God, I love my job."

Regardless of any explanation, many of Nguyen's pupils remain bewildered. "I really don't get it," said Williams, "I mean, he does teach in DEES. Imagine working in a department that sounds like the set up for a 'deez nuts' punchline, that'd drive anyone insane."

Capitalizing on the Silent Disco's Popularity, Football Team Boasts that Their Games are Silent Too

By Oliver Green

down set sigh After seeing the enormous crowds of students eager to join the Silent Disco event on Low Steps earlier this semester, the Columbia

Barnard Tunnel System Currently Under Renovation to be Transformed into Spirit Halloween for Autumn

By Ashley Rapp will be closing November 1 Originally expecting a Spring 2024 completion, the renovation projects in the Francine A LeFrak Foundation Center for Well-being in Barnard Hall is being delayed due to a brief buisness venture with Spirit Halloween. Despite original plans which focus on renovating Bar-

Football team has bodly proclaimed that their last game was "just as silent, if not quieter." In fact, they've gone as far as rebranding the Homecoming Game "Silent Homecoming" in order to help increase attendance and drump up excitment in the student body. When asked if the team budget would be used to supply the headsets that usually accompany a silent disco, head coach Mak Fabish shrugged off the question. "There won't be any need for headphones!" he announced, proudly. "Our games are so silent, you could hear a fly breathing!" While it is still uncler how exactly this rebrading will affect student attendence numbers, Columbia Athletics has optimistically estimated that crowd size will double, going from one student per game to two.

Volume XLI Issue 1

nard Hall, and the accompanying tunnel system below, recent plans to transform these temporary cooridors into your local Spirit Halloween have been announced. The college reported that this buisness venture would create both financial and mental success as students battle a variety of animatronic spooky pop-ups and other personal demons.

September 2023

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Nah.

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WOAH, DID YOU LIKE, TOTALLY READ THIS WHOLE THING? THAT'S ABSOLUTLEY BONKERS BANANAS! MAYBE YOU'D WANT TO...IDK... GO OUT AND GET COFFEE SOMETIME? I KNOW! WE CAN GO GIGGLE TOGETHER ON SUNDAYS AT 8:30PM IN WHEREVER WE ARE THAT WEEK (USUALLY LERNER 569)!

BE FUNNY WITH US! COME GIGGLE WITH US! FOR INFO ON JOINING THE FED, EMAIL: CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST. COM KISSES!

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Volume XLI Issue 1