Fall Issue September 2022

Columbia's Only Newspaper with an "A" Energy Efficiency Rating

THE TEAM

EDITORIAL BOARD

Zoe Davidson Lauren Unterberger Feditors-in-Chief

Dani Rivera Fenway Donegan Managing Editors

Max Monical Mollie Schmidtberger Head Submissions Editors

Jayne Magliocco

Publisher

GENERAL BOARD

Grace Weinswig Layout Editor

Eliza Heath Head Copy Editor

Ava Young-Stoner Deputy Copy Editor

Olivia Ruble Graphics Editor Molly Durawa Online Editor Sophie Simons Social Media Editor

Danielle Odigie Games Editor

Juliette Bellinson Archivist

Lillian Aregawi Ilan Cohen Social & Events Chairs

Amelia Fay

Sam Grossman

Baha Topbas

Senior Editors

Lillian Aregawi

Julian Gerber

Sloane Goldberg

Megan Meyerson

Anjali Ramakrishnan

Olivia Ruble

Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer

Ava Young-Stoner

Submissions Editors

STAFF

Carl Bock

Molly Bynum Matilda Darragh-Ford

Sophia DiPietro

Isabella Fratesi

Yoni Kurtz

Dahlia Low Sofie Matson

Dahlia Soussan

Emma Sullaway

Cassie Wu Susannah Yezzi

Lev Zeldin

Jennifer Zhang

Staff Writers

Kat Chen Prisha Samdarshi

Emma Sullaway

Allison Zhang

Staff Artists

Molly Bynum

Sloane Goldberg

Emma Sullaway

Staff Copy Editors

Elizabeth Barg

Fed Tech

A Dispatch from the Feditors

New academic school year, who dis?

Welcome back to campus for another classic Columbia school year! Who knows what’s in store for this year: Will Chef Mike finally tell us his last name? Will the burrito bowls ever return to Diana? Will Spec ever answer

our demands for a duel on College Walk at dawn? But what we do know is,

unlike Prezbo & Prezbae, we here at the Federalist will never leave you. We will be the last thing you see before you die, that’s a Columbia Federalist guarantee!

Our army of writers, editors, artists, goofers, and gabbers have prepared a delicious issue for you: full of lanternfly stemenists, Econ/PoliSci/Pre-Med/ English/Film/Music/CompSci slander, and a tasteful amount of Moped con tent! We’re bursting with excitement & journalistic integrity!

And, as always, please wait 30 minutes to go swimming after reading the Fed . We care about your tummies <3 Feditors-in-Chief, Zoe & Lauren

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 2: you're on it silly

PAGE 3: voluntary ailments

PAGE 4: god save our prezbo

PAGE 5: always wipe front to back

PAGE 6-7: US News Exclusive!

PAGE 8: girlbossing

PAGE 9: mom come pick me up Columbia is scary

PAGE 10: good, dean fun

PAGE 11: stop putting your wordle stats on your story or i'll unfollow u

PAGE 12: the black market

“I Needed it Like Water”: Multiple Students in ICU After Overdosing on Faculty House Mac-N-Cheese

By Molly Bynum

a slippery slope

For our vegan and lactose intolerant readers: this is your official trigger warning.

For the lovers of Columbia’s only dining hall that doesn’t make you want to actively have a screaming fit, this summer was tough. Living without the vegetable of the day was easy. Dining outdoors without a great skyline view was manageable. Even the salmon – always so carefully prepared in so many creative ways – was hard to leave, but not impossible. The beloved buffalo mac-ncheese, on the other hand? One would have to be a monster to forget it.

“I felt like I was cheating,” said one student who shared their experiences eating Kraft and Velveeta mac-n-cheese over the summer.

“It wasn’t the same. How could it be?”

The cheesy goodness that is Faculty

House’s mac-n-cheese is possibly one of the best dishes served by Columbia Dining. This is why, as of 9 p.m.

on Wednesday, September 7th, over 5 people (6 to be exact) are in emergency care at Mount Sinai after

consuming what one doctor described as “a quantity of noodles that is making me question my choice of profession as well as the existence of God himself.”

They’re calling it the “mac attack”: a temporary suspension of all reason when faced with a dish as delectable as that regularly served in FacHouse. The results are inhuman.

“There was so much cheese and so little time,” said an ER nurse on staff during the wave of mac attacks. This same nurse is now undergoing extensive therapy due to the horrors that he witnessed that fateful day.

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

As for those in emergency care, we will offer updates as we receive them. In the meantime, enjoy that mac, but leave some for me…otherwise you might end up in a hospital bed of your own (no that’s not a threat, why would you even think that?).

Summer’s Over, Make Sure to Hit a Freshman with a Ball Before it’s Too Late

By Grace Weinswig Columbia-endorsed Hazing

As the new school year begins, it is important to cross everything off of your summer bucket list before the weight of your workload sets in. The sun is still out and the Columbia lawns are filled with students picnicking, tanning, and, most importantly, playing games. This is a magical time to enjoy the company of your friends, watch the sunset, and introduce a healthy dose of fear into the lives of new students.

The first few times I sat on the lawn as a freshman were lovely. However, I eventually discovered that the lawn is not as safe of a place as it appears to be. One evening, I arrived on the lawn with a delicious Sweetgreen salad and some new friends. It did not take long for a football to come flying directly at me. The football hit both my face and my salad, spilling it everywhere. The football players were apologetic, but they continued to play in my vicinity.

While this was an unpleasant and weirdly embarrassing situation, I have come to see it as a rite of passage. So instead of being more careful when you play a ball sport on the lawn, try being less. Better yet, be reckless! Show a freshman who’s boss before it gets too cold.

(I would also like to note that not a month later, on my birthday, I was hit with a frisbee. This was much less devastating but too similar to ignore)...

Hey CUEMS, call

RIGHTS

Columbia Presidential Search Committee Announces That, Unfortunately, Queen Elizabeth Was Their Top Choice

By Ava Young-Stoner

"I'm busy today..."

Following the death of the United Kingdom’s ruling royal, Queen Elizabeth II, a collection of letters from the Columbia University Presidential Search Committee revealed that the late monarch was their top choice.

In an excerpt of their nearly 400,000-word document, one CU board member summarized the committee’s beliefs by saying that “we just really enjoyed the idea of having a queen as a president—sort of a gender-bender, Jane Austenesque Rocky Horror Picture Show statement.” The Fed is unsure what

this comment means.

Our correspondent spoke with a representative of Columbia’s ‘Let’s Fraternize with the U.K’ club (Let’s FUK) about the committee’s beliefs: “We wouldn’t have minded seeing Liz here… seems like the one place she hadn’t tried to take over, anyway.”

For now, an anonymous source from the committee shared that they’re banking on “getting the Grand Duke of Luxembourg to take over Prezbo’s post” due to his “immense wealth” and “vibrant, thin-lipped grin.” Pip, pip cheerio to that!

New Columbia Health Compact

By Sylvi Stein clean hands open hearts

Congratulations on your acceptance into Columbia University and wel come to NYC! As an incoming freshman, you are required to sign the health compact below in order to help us pretend to care about the global pandemic.

As Signers of This Compact, Each of Us Commits to:

• Drinking directly from the tub of jungle juice at your first Carman party.

• Sneezing loudly in Butler with no mask on so the person acrosfrom you can feel the spray.

• Completing the time-honored tradition of licking the owl hidden in Alma Mater's robes.

• Eating directly out of your hands at Surf and Turf. Just stick those grubby little paws in the shrimp boat.

• Not wearing a mask in your Lit Hum section so the cutie who sits across from you can see your impeccable lipstick.

• Refusing to ever mention COVID by name again.

The University Pledges to Do Its Part by:

• Sending out a bunch of emails about hand sanitizer.

Please date and sign here: _____________________________________

Molly Durawa/Online Editor

Barnard’s Millie the Bear Spotted KeggingDartmouth Mascot In Honor Of President Beilock’s New Position

By Dani Rivera rush barnard

After the announcement that Barnard College President Sian Beilock will become president of Dartmouth College in 2023, Barnard’s mascot, Millie the Dancing Bear, was spotted partying at Dartmouth College. Most notably, she was spotted upside down, drinking beer from Dartmouth’s unofficial (but official) mascot Keggy the Keg. Secret photos of the pair show President Sian Beilock smiling in the distance, proud of this new friendship.

An anonymous partygoer (DC ‘25) said to The Federalist : “Damn… I knew the Barnard girls were crazy but I didn’t know the mascot could party too. Haha. Sick.”

Both President Sian Beilock and Millie the Bear declined to speak with the Federalist. We wish them well in their new endeavors.

EVERYONE'S LEAVINGGGGGG

By Fenway Donegan daddy lessons

Speaking to the Fed about a final class project, business major John Doe seemed proud of the hard work he and his classmates had done, painfully unaware of the severe consequences this project would have on his future. “It was a lot of work, but we pulled it off,” Doe told the Federalist in reference to an idea that would one day have drastic implications for the future of fair and free elections. “I appreciate each and every one of you,” said Doe to his group members, a sentiment that he would lose the second after graduating Columbia. “If there’s one

thing I know, it’s that this project will change the world,” he added, unaware that the aforementioned project would eventually result in millions of dollars of civil litigation, criminal charges for 15 board members, and a private settlement for an undisclosed amount of money. Doe, described by his professors as a “team player,” would go on to be accused of taking sole credit for the work of several teams and be sentenced to pay compensatory and punitive damages by a jury of his peers. At press time, Doe was found chastising another student in Art Hum for not defending human rights enough.

Carman Renamed “Charmin” After 50,000

Toilet Paper Rolls Donated to Columbia

By Julian Gerber

Carman Hall, the infamous “party” dorm for Columbia firstyears, is seeing a major shake-up after the Charmin Ultra Soft family donated 50,000 toilet paper rolls to the university. Shayna Mikowski, a spokesperson for Charmin, told the Federalist that it was the least they could do given Columbia’s humiliating fall from grace: “We know being ranked 18th is tough. It’s our duty at Charmin to help out these underprivileged Ivy League universities where it matters most:

wiping their butts.”

Carman was originally named for former Columbia College Dean Harry Carman, a nerd who probably never even got a beer baptism at Mel’s. Now, the dorm will be aptly named Charmin Hall for the famous family of bears. An email sent by Cristen Kromm, Dean of Undergraduate Student Life, stated, “We are delighted for Charmin to join the Columbia family! As a company, they share many of our university values such as cleanliness, comfort, and a disregard for the environment.”

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

BITCH,

"We're going to do great things," says Business Major/Future Named Party in Class Action Lawsuit

Molly Bynum and MeiMei Graber

"Everything the light touches is our kingdom."

- President Bollinger and Roar-ee, 2022

Graphic By Olivia Ruble, with contributions from Zoe Davidson, Max Monical, Sophie Simons, Sylvi Stein, Izzy Szyfer, Lauren Unterberger, and Ava Young-Stoner

ADVICE: My Friends Want Me to Get Discord, But I’m Worried It’ll Make Me Look Like a Gamer

By Molly Durawa

Dear Federalist

wayyyy cooler than a gamer

When I first arrived at Columbia in August for NSOP, I was nervous about making friends. Not because I’m shy or weird or a loser or anything. I’m very cool and very normal. I’ll have you know that I got very close to making out with a girl at a Model UN party in high school last year. So, if anything, you’re the weird loser. Anyway, I ended up making a good group of friends that I’ve been hanging out with a lot, which is cool. Now for my problem: they’ve been pressuring me for a while to join a group Discord server they made, and I’m running out of excuses (you can only say “I have to take a shit” and walk out of a room whenever Discord is mentioned so many times before people start to get suspicious).

On one hand, I really like my friends, and I know joining their Discord would mean a lot to them. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to reduce my chances of being invited to these “Carman parties” I’ve heard so much about (not that I’m worried about not being invited. I was really cool in high school. My mom said so every night. The invites will come). So what do I do?

From, Not A Nerd

Call Nightline or something idk.

Don’t write to us again. Love, The Fed <3

Lanternfly You Killed Actually Scientist Curing World Hunger

By Molly Durawa woman in stem

Remember that spotted lanternfly you squashed the other day? You were walking to class, and you saw it sitting on the ground, and you thought, “Why not?” And then it took off into the air a

millisecond before your shoe landed, so you had to search for it again, and then it flew away from you A SECOND TIME when you tried to step on it, so you tried to kind of shuffle over to employ the el ement of surprise, and you were prob ably running late to class at this point,

but dammit, you were going to kill that bug, so you lifted your foot into the air and brought it down a third time, no ticing, once you stepped away, that you had succeeded, that your quest was fi nally over, that you had won. Remem ber how good it felt to know that by exterminating that lanternfly, you had helped to make our city a little better?

Well guess what: that lantern fly was actually the lead researcher on a team working to solve world hunger. That’s right, solve world hunger. And that team had been close—until YOU killed their leader.

Bet you regret congratulating your self for stepping on her now, right?

You squashed her before she had the chance to save millions of lives.

Well, millions of lanternfly lives.

Did I say “solve world hunger” ear lier? I meant lanternfly world hunger. She was working to solve lantern fly world hunger. Actually, maybe it’s a good thing you squashed her.

ALERT: Internship Applications Open for Summer 2030

By Zoe Davidson

What if I major in Unafraid?

How to Weave your Major into Any Conversation: A List

By Max Monical Pulitzer aspirants

The school year is just starting, and we’re all meeting new people. With these first impressions, it is vital that other people know EXACTLY what you’re studying. The Fed is back with another classic listicle to ensure that you can do so, discreetly.

Physics

Throw an apple at them and start calcu lating the velocity (please calculate with air resistance).

Psychology

Ask them what their MBTI result is or if their parents love them.

Chemistry

Just break down crying!

Biology

Say you’re pre-med.

Math

As long as you don’t make eye contact, they’ll get the message.

Neuroscience

You’re not allowed to talk in the library. / Shush someone in the library.

Architecture

No need to sweat getting it in there; people will be able to tell by how cool you are.

Film

Ask the other person about their top three favorite directors. No worries if they have more. Who doesn’t!

Philosophy

Ask them why they think killing babies is morally wrong, and then proceed to explain (for five minutes or more) why they’re wrong about it and why we need an entire field of study to justify your answer.

Clery Alert: Moped Gains Sentience

By Matthew Pierson and Olivia Ruble red m&m gang

Environmental science

Explain why your depression is caused by climate change.

Literature

5-syllable words only.

Dance

No words are necessary; put that hair in a bun and just start spinning!

History

Ask if they want to see your World War II diorama.

Music

Ask who their favorite artist is. No mat ter their answer, make them feel judged.

Physical Education

As long as you’re wearing a tracksuit, you’ll be good.

Human Rights

Any time someone is smiling, be sure to remind them about poverty trends in the United States.

Economics

Say “uh” between every third word. Or, if you’re in JJ’s, they’ll already know.

Any language

As long as your voice is laden with the accent, you’ll be good

Political Science

“I hate to be the devil’s advocate.”

Sociology

Mumble nonsense about nothing and everything all at once (mention Dur kheim at least once), then claim it’s science.

Computer Science

Let’s be real, you aren’t meeting anyone.

Engineering

See Computer Science.

Undecided

Mention how much you hate reading the Iliad

get 'em while they're hot

Prospective applicants: internship applica tions are now open for positions in summer 2030. Please apply using our company’s portal, then up load your resume to Handshake, and finally send your cover letter to our CEO’s apartment via car rier pigeon. Must have five years industry experi ence. Instead of a letter of recommendation, your professor must send written proof that you are in cluded in their will. Fluency in Lithuanian, Nor wegian, and Wookie strongly preferred. Positions are unpaid and there is an application fee. We look forward to briefly skimming your applications!

On Monday, September 5, 2022 at ap proximately 8:34 a.m. a driverless moped was spotted traveling rapidly along Broad way. Moped is suspected to have suddenly gained consciousness after a freak light ning strike. Moped did mow down sev eral pedestrians. The number of victims remains unknown. Moped then attended LitHum. Moped was overly involved in class discussion, com menting several times on Homeric simile. Moped then attacked a bicycle outside of Hamilton. The bicycle (unsentient) declined to comment. Mo ped was last spotted outside of President

Bollinger’s mansion. President Bollinger (sentience unknown) declined to comment. If spotted, please avoid. Moped is highly volatile and likely to injure approachers.

Please note – Clery Crime Alerts are dis tributed, pursuant to Federal Law, for specif ic crimes in defined locations. They do not, nor are they intended to present, a complete picture of crime on campus. TTYL XOX <3

How to Get into EveryA Capella Group onCampus to Become thePitch Perfect Thanos of Morningside Heights

By Lauren Unterberger accompaniment enthusiast

I’m sorry for the clickbait, Jerry, but this is an intervention.

Your passion for beatboxing is tearing this family apart. I hear your

“oooooooo”s at night—in our bed, in the home that we share. I can smell the jazz on you when you stagger through our door in the wee hours of morning, legs shaking from step-touching. Your son doesn’t know you, Jerry. Little Scoo-Bop just wants to spend time with his dad, but you’re out, God-knows-where, wearing all black with a pop of color. When we took our vows before the Lord, we promised to be there for each other in sickness and in health. But your “pitch” group name puns make me sick to my fucking stomach. Something needs to change, or else I’m getting Scoo-Bop piano lessons. He will never end up like his trebeled dad. I’m sorry, Jerry.

8 Volume XL Issue 1 9September 2022 Lauren Unterberger/Feditor in Chief Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

Dear Not A Nerd, We don’t have an advice column.

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

DOWN

By Danielle Odigie Fed Games

Barnard Fitness Center Renovations to Replace all WorkOut Machines with Coke Freestyles

By Lauren Untergerger works out

Barnard and Columbia students alike were disappointed to hear that, due to renovations to the Barnard Fitness Center, the only gym avail able for use in the fall semester is the sweaty, sub terranean hidey-hole of Dodge. However, a new partnership between Barnard and The Coca Cola Company promises to offer students a bold new vision of the fitness center they once knew and loved: all machines are now Coca-Cola Freestyles. Coca-Cola Freestyle is a touch-screen soda fountain that, much like the class of 2026, was created in 2004. The machine, famously lo cated behind the Ferris pasta fiends, features 165 flavors and 0 workout options, unless you count benching this 300 pound carbonated be hemoth off of your newly-crushed femurs.

“I know what you’re thinking,” tweeted Bar nard president Sian Beilock. “There’s no tread mill, no step climber, no weights. But there is real magic, and you can taste the feeling and open happiness when you're on the Coke side of life! Also it’s still better than Dodge so put that in your peach sprite and drink it, losers.”

The notoriously yoked, exclusively-vanillaDr. Pepper-drinking population of Barnard has welcomed this news with open and incredibly buff arms. “Truly,” shares generic sophomore Rosemary Etsyshop, “carrying the weight of be ing the coolest, very smart, most interesting, hot test students on campus, I don’t think we’ll need those old workout machines anyways. Also, no fucking way I’m going to Dodge. Fuck Dodge.”

The Federalist reached out to Dodge Fitness Center for comment, but deleted their response because Dodge is gross ew.

“I’m Just Here for the Chanel Bag” – How Columbia Students Spent Their Summers

By Anonymous the leaders of tomorrow

LOW STEPS– As the summer comes to a close, Columbia students return to campus with an abundance of professional experiences. We interviewed three students to find out more about what Columbia students got up to this summer.

Lulu Smith (CC’24) spent her summer working at an investment bank on Wall Street. “When it comes to job prospects, I tend to gravitate towards those that can best help me achieve my financial goals. As a student at the most expensive university in the country, it is crucial that I fund my designer shopping habit.

Hermes doesn’t offer you a Birkin for sitting around on your behind all summer.”

Other students worked smarter, not harder. Jip Buchanan (CC’23) told the Federalist that this summer, he convinced his father to work as an investor in him: “being that this is my last summer of col

lege, I was concerned that hav ing a full-time job would take time away from what really matters. By finding a personal investor for the summer, I was able to focus my attention towards more important pur suits: Being the best party host in Morningside Heights”

Finally, a surprising num ber of Columbia students pur sued careers in the hemp man agement industry this summer.

Josh Bass (CC’23.5) described his experience in the space as “pretty chill” and recommend ed it for anyone with excellent interpersonal skills. Josh sug gests that students interested in this line of work write their Columbia email addresses on the South-facing external wall of McBain Residence Hall and he “will handle the rest.”

It’s clear that Columbia students have made their mark on the professional world this summer. The Federalist wishes these young professionals the best of luck with their future plans!

(GROUND)BREAKING: Digging a Tunnel to the Core of the Earth Now Counts for a Global Core Credit

By Ava Young-Stoner hole credit

In an earth-shattering decision from the new dean of Columbia College, Dr. Josef Sorett announced to students via email that digging a tunnel to the core of the Earth will now count for credit alongside classes like “History of Modern China” and “World Cinema: Mexico.” This new development, he says, “will only serve to update our world-class university into a world-dominating university.”

Ignoring concerns that this is not yet scientifically pos sible (or generally encouraged), Sorett dispelled any op posing parties by saying that “the kids should get outside more… maybe live a little bit. Touch some grass, you know.”

Understandably, this new development will be met with a yearly tuition increase of $4,000 for a univer

sal “Shoveling Fee” where each CC undergraduate will receive one edg ing shovel, one trench shovel, one flat shovel, one tree-planting shovel, four teen power shovels, one pocket map, and two 20oz bottles of Dasani water.

Applications to receive hole credit will open on January 14, 2023. Students are encouraged to meet with their ad visor prior to submitting an applica tion for a “very useful consultation in which your advisor will find the appli cation by googling it,” according to the Columbia College advising webpage.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Lauren Unterburger/Feditor-in-Chief