Fall Issue September 2022

Volume XL • Issue 1 • September 2022

Columbia's Only Newspaper with an "A" Energy Efficiency Rating

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Zoe Davidson Lauren Unterberger Feditors-in-Chief Dani Rivera Fenway Donegan Managing Editors Max Monical Mollie Schmidtberger Head Submissions Editors

Jayne Magliocco Publisher GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Eliza Heath Head Copy Editor Ava Young-Stoner Deputy Copy Editor Olivia Ruble Graphics Editor Molly Durawa Online Editor Sophie Simons Social Media Editor Danielle Odigie Games Editor Juliette Bellinson Archivist Lillian Aregawi Ilan Cohen Social & Events Chairs

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Amelia Fay Sam Grossman Baha Topbas Senior Editors

A Dispatch from the Feditors New academic school year, who dis?

Welcome back to campus for another classic Columbia school year! Who

Lillian Aregawi Julian Gerber Sloane Goldberg Megan Meyerson Anjali Ramakrishnan Olivia Ruble Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer Ava Young-Stoner Submissions Editors

knows what’s in store for this year: Will Chef Mike finally tell us his last

STAFF Carl Bock Molly Bynum Matilda Darragh-Ford Sophia DiPietro Isabella Fratesi Yoni Kurtz Dahlia Low Sofie Matson Dahlia Soussan Emma Sullaway Cassie Wu Susannah Yezzi Lev Zeldin Jennifer Zhang Staff Writers

Our army of writers, editors, artists, goofers, and gabbers have prepared a

Kat Chen Prisha Samdarshi Emma Sullaway Allison Zhang Staff Artists Molly Bynum Sloane Goldberg Emma Sullaway Staff Copy Editors Elizabeth Barg Fed Tech

name? Will the burrito bowls ever return to Diana? Will Spec ever answer our demands for a duel on College Walk at dawn? But what we do know is, unlike Prezbo & Prezbae, we here at the Federalist will never leave you. We will be the last thing you see before you die, that’s a Columbia Federalist guarantee!

delicious issue for you: full of lanternfly stemenists, Econ/PoliSci/Pre-Med/ English/Film/Music/CompSci slander, and a tasteful amount of Moped content! We’re bursting with excitement & journalistic integrity!

And, as always, please wait 30 minutes to go swimming after reading the Fed. We care about your tummies <3 Feditors-in-Chief, Zoe & Lauren

“I Needed it Like Water”: Multiple Students in ICU After Overdosing on Faculty House Mac-N-Cheese

By Molly Bynum

a slippery slope For our vegan and lactose intolerant readers: this is your official trigger warning.

For the lovers of Columbia’s only dining hall that doesn’t make you want to actively have a screaming fit, this summer was tough. Living without the vegetable of the day was easy. Dining outdoors without a great skyline view was manageable. Even the salmon – always so carefully prepared in so many creative ways – was hard to leave, but not impossible. The beloved buffalo mac-ncheese, on the other hand? One would have to be a monster to forget it.

“I felt like I was cheating,” said one student who shared their experiences eating Kraft and Velveeta mac-n-cheese over the summer.

“It wasn’t the same. How could it be?”

The cheesy goodness that is Faculty

consuming what one doctor described as “a quantity of noodles that is making me question my choice of profession as well as the existence of God himself.”

They’re calling it the “mac attack”: a temporary suspension of all reason when faced with a dish as delectable as that regularly served in FacHouse. The results are inhuman.

“There was so much cheese and so little time,” said an ER nurse on staff during the wave of mac attacks. This same nurse is now undergoing extensive therapy due to the horrors that he witnessed that fateful day.

As for those in emergency care, we will offer updates as we receive them. In the meantime, enjoy that mac, but leave some for me…otherwise you might end up in a hospital bed of your own (no that’s not a threat, why would you even Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor think that?).

House’s mac-n-cheese is possibly one of the best dishes served by Columbia Dining. This is why, as of 9 p.m. on Wednesday, September 7th, over 5 people (6 to be exact) are in emergency care at Mount Sinai after

Summer’s Over, Make Sure to Hit a Freshman with a Ball Before it’s Too Late

TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 2: you're on it silly

PAGE 3: voluntary ailments

By Grace Weinswig

PAGE 4: god save our prezbo PAGE 5: always wipe front to back

Columbia-endorsed Hazing

As the new school year begins, it is important to

PAGE 6-7: US News Exclusive!

cross everything off of your summer bucket list before

PAGE 8: girlbossing

the weight of your workload sets in. The sun is still out and the Columbia lawns are filled with students

PAGE 9: mom come pick me up Columbia is scary

picnicking, tanning, and, most importantly, playing

PAGE 10: good, dean fun PAGE 11: stop putting your wordle stats on your story or i'll unfollow u

games. This is a magical time to enjoy the company of your friends, watch the sunset, and introduce a healthy dose of fear into the lives of new students.

PAGE 12: the black market Volume XL Issue 1

September 2022

The first few times I sat on the lawn as a

While this was an unpleasant and weirdly

freshman were lovely. However, I eventually discovered

embarrassing situation, I have come to see it as a rite

that the lawn is not as safe of a place as it appears to

of passage. So instead of being more careful when you

be. One evening, I arrived on the lawn with a delicious

play a ball sport on the lawn, try being less. Better yet,

Sweetgreen salad and some new friends. It did not

be reckless! Show a freshman who’s boss before it gets

take long for a football to come flying directly at me.

too cold.

The football hit both my face and my salad, spilling it

(I would also like to note that not a month later, on

everywhere. The football players were apologetic, but

my birthday, I was hit with a frisbee. This was much

they continued to play in my vicinity.

less devastating but too similar to ignore)...

Hey CUEMS, call us ;)

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A New Monarchy

Columbia Presidential Search Committee Announces That, Unfortunately, Queen Elizabeth Was Their Top Choice

By Ava Young-Stoner

this comment means.

Our correspondent spoke with "I'm busy today..."

Following the death of the United a representative of Columbia’s Kingdom’s ruling royal, Queen ‘Let’s Fraternize with the U.K’ club Elizabeth II, a collection of letters from (Let’s FUK) about the committee’s the Columbia University Presidential beliefs: “We wouldn’t have minded Search Committee revealed that the seeing Liz here… seems like the one place she hadn’t tried to take late monarch was their top choice.

In an excerpt of their nearly over, anyway.”

For now, an anonymous source 400,000-word document, one CU board member summarized the from the committee shared that committee’s beliefs by saying that they’re banking on “getting the “we just really enjoyed the idea of Grand Duke of Luxembourg to having a queen as a president—sort take over Prezbo’s post” due to his of a gender-bender, Jane Austen- “immense wealth” and “vibrant, esque Rocky Horror Picture Show thin-lipped grin.” Pip, pip cheerio statement.” The Fed is unsure what to that!

New Columbia Health Compact

By Sylvi Stein

clean hands open hearts

Congratulations on your acceptance into Columbia University and welcome to NYC! As an incoming freshman, you are required to sign the health compact below in order to help us pretend to care about the global pandemic.

As Signers of This Compact, Each of Us Commits to: • Drinking directly from the tub of jungle juice at your first Carman party.

• Sneezing loudly in Butler with no mask on so the person acrosfrom you can feel the spray.

• Completing the time-honored tradition of licking the owl hidden in Alma Mater's robes.

• Eating directly out of your hands at Surf and Turf. Just stick those grubby little paws in the shrimp boat.

• Not wearing a mask in your Lit Hum section so the cutie who sits across from you can see your impeccable lipstick.

• Refusing to ever mention COVID by name again.

The University Pledges to Do Its Part by: • Sending out a bunch of emails about hand sanitizer.

Please date and sign here: _____________________________________

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Molly Durawa/Online Editor

"We're going to do great things," says Business Major/Future Named Party in Class Action Lawsuit

By Fenway Donegan

Barnard’s Millie the Bear Spotted Kegging Dartmouth Mascot In Honor Of President Beilock’s New Position

By Dani Rivera

rush barnard

After the announcement that Barnard College President Sian Beilock will become president of Dartmouth College in 2023, Barnard’s mascot, Millie the Dancing Bear, was spotted partying at Dartmouth College. Most notably, she was spotted upside down, drinking beer from Dartmouth’s unofficial (but official) mascot Keggy the Keg. Secret photos of the pair show President Sian Beilock smiling in the distance, proud of this new friendship.

An anonymous partygoer (DC ‘25) said to The Federalist: “Damn… I knew the Barnard girls were crazy but I didn’t know the mascot could party too. Haha.

Sick.”

Both President Sian Beilock and Millie the Bear declined to speak with the Federalist. We wish them well in their new endeavors.

EVERYONE'S LEAVINGGGGGG

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS

Volume XL Issue 1

thing I know, it’s that this project will change the world,” he added, daddy lessons unaware that the aforementioned Speaking to the Fed about a project would eventually result in final class project, business major millions of dollars of civil litigation, John Doe seemed proud of the criminal charges for 15 board hard work he and his classmates members, and a private settlement had done, painfully unaware of the for an undisclosed amount of money. severe consequences this project Doe, described by his professors as would have on his future. “It was a “team player,” would go on to be a lot of work, but we pulled it off,” accused of taking sole credit for Doe told the Federalist in reference the work of several teams and be to an idea that would one day have sentenced to pay compensatory drastic implications for the future of and punitive damages by a jury of fair and free elections. “I appreciate his peers. At press time, Doe was each and every one of you,” said Doe found chastising another student in to his group members, a sentiment Art Hum for not defending human that he would lose the second after rights enough. graduating Columbia. “If there’s one

Molly Bynum and MeiMei Graber

"Everything the light touches is our kingdom."

- President Bollinger and Roar-ee, 2022

Carman Renamed “Charmin” After 50,000 Toilet Paper Rolls Donated to Columbia

By Julian Gerber

ultra soft

Carman Hall, the infamous “party” dorm for Columbia firstyears, is seeing a major shake-up after the Charmin Ultra Soft family donated 50,000 toilet paper rolls to the university. Shayna Mikowski, a spokesperson for Charmin, told the Federalist that it was the least they could do given Columbia’s humiliating fall from grace: “We know being ranked 18th is tough.

It’s our duty at Charmin to help out these underprivileged Ivy League universities where it matters most:

September 2022

wiping their butts.”

Carman was originally named for former Columbia College Dean Harry Carman, a nerd who probably never even got a beer baptism at Mel’s. Now, the dorm will be aptly named Charmin Hall for the famous family of bears. An email sent by Cristen Kromm, Dean of Undergraduate Student Life, stated, “We are delighted for Charmin to join the Columbia family! As a company, they share many of our university values such as cleanliness, comfort, and a disregard for the environment.”

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

THE LION, THE BITCH, AND THE PREZBO

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6 Volume XL Issue 1 September 2022 7

Graphic By Olivia Ruble, with contributions from Zoe Davidson, Max Monical, Sophie Simons, Sylvi Stein, Izzy Szyfer, Lauren Unterberger, and Ava Young-Stoner

Left-handed

ADVICE: My Friends Want Me to Get Discord, But I’m Worried It’ll Make Me Look Like a Gamer

By Molly Durawa

wayyyy cooler than a gamer Dear Federalist, When I first arrived at Columbia in August for NSOP, I was nervous about making friends. Not because I’m shy or weird or a loser or anything. I’m very cool and very normal. I’ll have you know that I got very close to making out with a girl at a Model UN party in high school last year. So, if anything, you’re the weird loser.

Anyway, I ended up making a good group of friends that I’ve been hanging out with a lot, which is cool. Now for my problem: they’ve been pressuring me for a while to join a group Discord server they made, and I’m running out of excuses (you can only say “I have to take a shit” and walk out of a room whenever Discord is mentioned so many times before people start to get suspicious).

On one hand, I really like my friends, and I know joining their Discord would mean a lot to them. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to reduce my chances of being invited to these “Carman parties” I’ve heard so much about (not that I’m worried about not being invited. I was really cool in high school. My mom said so every night. The invites will come). So what do I do?

From, Not A Nerd

Dear Not A Nerd, We don’t have an advice column.

Call Nightline or something idk.

Don’t write to us again.

Love, The Fed <3

Lanternfly You Killed Actually ALERT: Scientist Curing World Hunger Internship Applications Open for Summer 2030

By Molly Durawa

woman in stem Remember that spotted lanternfly you squashed the other day? You were walking to class, and you saw it sitting on the ground, and you thought, “Why not?” And then it took off into the air a

millisecond before your shoe landed, so you had to search for it again, and then it flew away from you A SECOND TIME when you tried to step on it, so you tried to kind of shuffle over to employ the element of surprise, and you were probably running late to class at this point,

but dammit, you were going to kill that bug, so you lifted your foot into the air and brought it down a third time, noticing, once you stepped away, that you had succeeded, that your quest was finally over, that you had won. Remember how good it felt to know that by exterminating that lanternfly, you had helped to make our city a little better?

Well guess what: that lanternfly was actually the lead researcher on a team working to solve world hunger. That’s right, solve world hunger. And that team had been close—until YOU killed their leader.

Bet you regret congratulating yourself for stepping on her now, right?

You squashed her before she had the chance to save millions of lives.

Well, millions of lanternfly lives.

Did I say “solve world hunger” earlier? I meant lanternfly world hunger.

She was working to solve lanternfly world hunger. Actually, maybe it’s a good thing you squashed her.

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

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The Very Hungry Caterpillar's Year of Science

By Zoe Davidson

get 'em while they're hot Prospective applicants: internship applications are now open for positions in summer 2030.

Please apply using our company’s portal, then upload your resume to Handshake, and finally send your cover letter to our CEO’s apartment via carrier pigeon. Must have five years industry experience. Instead of a letter of recommendation, your professor must send written proof that you are included in their will. Fluency in Lithuanian, Norwegian, and Wookie strongly preferred. Positions are unpaid and there is an application fee. We look forward to briefly skimming your applications!

Volume XL Issue 1

What if I major in Unafraid?

How to Weave your Major into Any Conversation: A List

By Max Monical

Pulitzer aspirants The school year is just starting, and we’re all meeting new people. With these first impressions, it is vital that other people know EXACTLY what you’re studying. The Fed is back with another classic listicle to ensure that you can do so, discreetly.

Physics Throw an apple at them and start calculating the velocity (please calculate with air resistance).

Psychology Ask them what their MBTI result is or if their parents love them.

Chemistry Just break down crying!

Biology Say you’re pre-med.

Math As long as you don’t make eye contact, they’ll get the message.

Environmental science Explain why your depression is caused by climate change.

Economics Say “uh” between every third word. Or, if you’re in JJ’s, they’ll already know.

Neuroscience You’re not allowed to talk in the library. / Shush someone in the library.

Literature 5-syllable words only.

Any language As long as your voice is laden with the accent, you’ll be good.

Architecture No need to sweat getting it in there; people will be able to tell by how cool you are.

Film Ask the other person about their top three favorite directors. No worries if they have more. Who doesn’t!

Philosophy Ask them why they think killing babies is morally wrong, and then proceed to explain (for five minutes or more) why they’re wrong about it and why we need an entire field of study to justify your answer.

Clery Alert: Moped Gains Sentience

By Matthew Pierson and Olivia Ruble

red m&m gang On Monday, September 5, 2022 at approximately 8:34 a.m. a driverless moped was spotted traveling rapidly along Broadway. Moped is suspected to have suddenly gained consciousness after a freak lightning strike. Moped did mow down several pedestrians. The number of victims remains unknown.

Moped then attended LitHum. Moped was overly involved in class discussion, commenting several times on Homeric simile.

Moped then attacked a bicycle outside of Hamilton. The bicycle (unsentient) declined to comment. Moped was last spotted outside of President

September 2022

Bollinger’s mansion. President Bollinger (sentience unknown) declined to comment.

If spotted, please avoid. Moped is highly volatile and likely to injure approachers.

Please note – Clery Crime Alerts are distributed, pursuant to Federal Law, for specific crimes in defined locations. They do not, nor are they intended to present, a complete picture of crime on campus. TTYL XOX <3

Lauren Unterberger/Feditor in Chief

Dance No words are necessary; put that hair in a bun and just start spinning!

History Ask if they want to see your World War II diorama.

Music Ask who their favorite artist is. No matter their answer, make them feel judged.

Physical Education As long as you’re wearing a tracksuit, you’ll be good.

Human Rights Any time someone is smiling, be sure to remind them about poverty trends in the United States.

Political Science “I hate to be the devil’s advocate.”

Sociology Mumble nonsense about nothing and everything all at once (mention Durkheim at least once), then claim it’s science.

Computer Science Let’s be real, you aren’t meeting anyone.

Engineering See Computer Science.

Undecided Mention how much you hate reading the Iliad.

How to Get into Every A Capella Group on Campus to Become the Pitch Perfect Thanos of Morningside Heights

“oooooooo”s at night—in our bed, in the home that we share. I can smell the accompaniment enthusiast jazz on you when you stagger through I’m sorry for the clickbait, Jerry, but our door in the wee hours of morning, this is an intervention. legs shaking from step-touching.

Your passion for beatboxing is Your son doesn’t know you, Jerry. tearing this family apart. I hear your Little Scoo-Bop just wants to spend time with his dad, but you’re out, God-knows-where, wearing all black with a pop of color. When we took our vows before the Lord, we promised to be there for each other in sickness and in health. But your “pitch” group name puns make me sick to my fucking stomach.

Something needs to change, or else I’m getting Scoo-Bop piano lessons. He will never end up like his trebeled dad. I’m sorry, Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor Jerry.

By Lauren Unterberger

vroom vroom

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THIS ONE MIGHT STUMP YOU OK

NEW HOT WORKOUT!

“I’m Just Here for the Barnard Fitness Center Renovations to Replace all Work- Chanel Bag” – How Out Machines with Coke Freestyles Columbia Students

FED CROSSWORD

By Danielle Odigie

Fed Games

By Lauren Untergerger

works out Barnard and Columbia students alike were disappointed to hear that, due to renovations to the Barnard Fitness Center, the only gym available for use in the fall semester is the sweaty, subterranean hidey-hole of Dodge. However, a new partnership between Barnard and The Coca Cola Company promises to offer students a bold new vision of the fitness center they once knew and loved: all machines are now Coca-Cola Freestyles.

Coca-Cola Freestyle is a touch-screen soda fountain that, much like the class of 2026, was created in 2004. The machine, famously located behind the Ferris pasta fiends, features 165 flavors and 0 workout options, unless you count benching this 300 pound carbonated behemoth off of your newly-crushed femurs.

“I know what you’re thinking,” tweeted Barnard president Sian Beilock. “There’s no treadmill, no step climber, no weights. But there is real magic, and you can taste the feeling and open happiness when you're on the Coke side of life! Also it’s still better than Dodge so put that in your peach sprite and drink it, losers.”

The notoriously yoked, exclusively-vanillaDr. Pepper-drinking population of Barnard has welcomed this news with open and incredibly buff arms. “Truly,” shares generic sophomore Rosemary Etsyshop, “carrying the weight of being the coolest, very smart, most interesting, hottest students on campus, I don’t think we’ll need those old workout machines anyways. Also, no fucking way I’m going to Dodge. Fuck Dodge.”

The Federalist reached out to Dodge Fitness Center for comment, but deleted their response because Dodge is gross ew.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Spent Their Summers

By Anonymous

the leaders of tomorrow LOW STEPS– As the summer comes to a close, Columbia students return to campus with an abundance of professional experiences. We interviewed three students to find out more about what Columbia students got up to this summer.

Lulu Smith (CC’24) spent her summer working at an investment bank on Wall Street. “When it comes to job prospects, I tend to gravitate towards those that can best help me achieve my financial goals. As a student at the most expensive university in the country, it is crucial that I fund my designer shopping habit.

Hermes doesn’t offer you a Birkin for sitting around on your behind all summer.”

Other students worked smarter, not harder. Jip Buchanan (CC’23) told the Federalist that this summer, he convinced his father to work as an investor in him: “being that this is my last summer of col-

lege, I was concerned that having a full-time job would take time away from what really matters. By finding a personal investor for the summer, I was able to focus my attention towards more important pursuits: Being the best party host in Morningside Heights” Finally, a surprising number of Columbia students pursued careers in the hemp management industry this summer.

Josh Bass (CC’23.5) described his experience in the space as “pretty chill” and recommended it for anyone with excellent interpersonal skills. Josh suggests that students interested in this line of work write their Columbia email addresses on the South-facing external wall of McBain Residence Hall and he “will handle the rest.”

It’s clear that Columbia students have made their mark on the professional world this summer. The Federalist wishes these young professionals the best of luck with their future plans!

(GROUND)BREAKING: Digging a Tunnel to the Core of the Earth Now Counts for a Global Core Credit

By Ava Young-Stoner

DOWN

1. Where you would find King David's little penis 2. Department for Not Having (bitches) 3. If repeated, name of brand I'll spend my internship money on 4. Career path for John Jay loud chewers 5. Public Relations for short 7. Country next to Colombia 9. Father of Odin 10. Antioxidant drink 11. Officer Candidate School (come on hot ROTC men) 12. Didn't do the reading sound 10

ACROSS

1. Miss Molly 5. Fountains on Low's shape 6. Where you would study King David's little penis 8. Recede, like the tide or your professors hairline 13. Carlton Arms Roommate 14. Where to find Chef Mike's Footlong ;)

ANSWERS POSTED ON @COLUMBIA_FEDERALIST ON 10/7/22

did you get them all...

Volume XL Issue 1

hole credit In an earth-shattering decision from the new dean of Columbia College, Dr. Josef Sorett announced to students via email that digging a tunnel to the core of the Earth will now count for credit alongside classes like “History of Modern China” and “World Cinema: Mexico.” This new development, he says, “will only serve to update our world-class university into a world-dominating university.”

Ignoring concerns that this is not yet scientifically possible (or generally encouraged), Sorett dispelled any opposing parties by saying that “the kids should get outside more… maybe live a little bit. Touch some grass, you know.”

Understandably, this new development will be met with a yearly tuition increase of $4,000 for a univer-

September 2022

sal “Shoveling Fee” where each CC undergraduate will receive one edging shovel, one trench shovel, one flat shovel, one tree-planting shovel, fourteen power shovels, one pocket map, and two 20oz bottles of Dasani water.

Applications to receive hole credit will open on January 14, 2023. Students are encouraged to meet with their advisor prior to submitting an application for a “very useful consultation in which your advisor will find the application by googling it,” according to the Columbia College advising webpage.

Lauren Unterburger/Feditor-in-Chief

Working on our winter bods

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Volume XL Issue 1