THE STAFF
EDITORIAL BOARD
Iqraz Nanji Max Rosenberg Feditors-in-Chief
Miranda Roman Managing Editor
Seth Farkas
Brett Krasner Publisher
Andre Adams
Thomas Germain Head Submissions Editors
ASSOCIATE BOARD
Ben Greenspan Layout Editor
Cameron Averill Submissions Editor
Mckenzie Fritz Shaakya Vembar Senior Editors
zydrunas Ilgauskas Lithuanian Relations Editor
Stanley Yelnats IV Shia Labeouf’s Best Role
Rod Blagojevich Public Relations
IN MEMORIAM
My Fantasy Football Team Never Had A Chance
ASSOCIATE STAFF
Noel Neu My Former Psychiatrist
Miguel Cairo
Subpar Utility Infielder
Jeff Sessions Adorable Racist
A fAtherless history of ColumbiA’s oldest student newspAper
In the beginning, there was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was the Fed. After our immaculate conception in about 4,000 BC, we spent the next 3,000 perfecting our badminton technique. At some point, we may have played a role in Sodom and Gomorrah, but we’re not really sure since we were really fucking drunk.
Later on, we somehow dragged ourselves to Socrates’ overrated 8:10. Every time he called on us, we started our answer with, “Jumping off of…” and managed to bullshit just enough for full class participation. Everyone said that we wouldn’t amount to anything with our Political Science degree, except a talking head on CNN. We showed them.
We captured the Levant before it became mainstream. We admittedly may have gentrified the neighborhood, but we tried our best to remain sensitive to local culture. Sure, ISIS makes it seem super vintage now, but nobody remembers the early stuff.
We were total dicks during the Middle Ages.
The Fed was the second thing printed on Gutenberg’s press because we’re modest. Around this point, we converted from Protestantism to Judaism, for the jokes. As a result, we felt compelled to move to New York City to do everyone’s taxes. In 1776, we got tarred and feathered, along with a few Columbia administrators.
In 1840, we banged Elizabeth Cady Stanton, immediately giving rise to the suffragette movement. We’re not sure if that makes us feminist, but close enough.
We spent the early part of the 1920s trying to get rid of our trench foot, which we still haven’t quite done. If anyone can perform a cheap amputation, let us know.
We don’t remember what happened for most of the 1960s. We woke up in ‘68 chained to Alma, with glue all over our face. (It was kind of kinky, would do again.) In 1969, we modeled for Henry Moore’s Reclining Figure, to Chris Bolton’s chagrin. We went to ‘Nam right afterwards, but for the pho. We still wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, craving that shit.
In 2000, we voted for Ralph Nader in Florida. Please don’t kick us in the hanging chads.
In December 2016, we wore the same hole-filled, unwashed sweatpants and sweatshirt for two weeks straight.
Throughout all this, we still never found our dad. Dad, if you’re reading this, please shoot us a quick email at chief@the-fed.net. We’d love to catch up.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE 3: White male wrestlers.
PAGE 4: Beta Betas.
PAGE 5: Careful with those Uncrustables.
PAGE 6: White parents need to chill, bruh.
PAGE 7: Little James McShane fell down a well.
PAGE 8-9: Take a break from Finals.
PAGE 10: The Federalist Christmas Spectacular.
PAGE 11: Greek Life is honestly on life support.
PAGE 12: PrezBo’s been hacked; Russia did it.
PAGE 13: How to be a proud racist.
PAGE 14: No more tuition; a la carte system implemented.
PAGE 15: Art history habit tearing family apart.
PAGE 16: Your luddite parents forgot the WiFi password again.
WELCOME
C over Artwork by Amanda Ba
Columbia Wrestling Team Offered Internships in Trump White House
By ANI WILCENSKI and GUS O’CONNOR Cooped Up Centipedes
Shortly after his election, Donald Trump has been faced with a series of highly consequential decisions— namely, selecting the members of his cabinet from the group of skilled, highly qualified, and definitely not desperate individuals who ran his campaign.
Undoubtedly, this process is rife with difficult choices as Trump strives to create a staff that reflects the current American spirit. Seeking to gain insight into this process, the Federalist drew on its steak industry connections to reach out to Trump to hear a bit about his decision-making methods:
“We talked to many people, many great people. People with the best backgrounds, believe me. We’ll really make America great with these folks, fine folks I might add.”
Trump added that he was excited about the breadth of his staffing prospects so far, which feature racist white men from Virginia, Wisconsin, Indiana, and
perhaps even Pennsylvania.
With Steve Bannon already cashing in the anti-Semitic vote, Trump told sources that the rest of his staff will be “diverse, very very diverse.” The President-elect plans on incorporating people with animosity towards a myriad of other groups—from Muslims to fetuses to people who can form sentences besides ‘Lock her up’ and ‘Build A Wall’.” He added that he was considering shaking things up with an extreme, radically leftist, and forward decision—giving a small modicum of power to a racist white lady from Alaska.
But Trump’s ultimate nod to diversity will involve bringing forth marginalized and underrepresented individuals from the Ivy League campus elite. Hearing of the Columbia University Wrestling Team’s outstanding “locker room talk” and social media presence, Trump knew these suppressed and underappreciated athletes would be a perfect fit for his administration.
Impressed by their GroupMe writing samples, which brilliantly used creative rhetoric to elevate his beloved phrase “nasty women” to the level of “ugly socially awkward cunts”, and wowed by their masterful utilization of technology to disseminate intolerance, Trump plans to first use the team as media consultants. The Columbia students might even help expand his vocabulary beyond “yuge” and “nasty” and expand his platform, which currently consists of a frog meme and a 140-character twitter rant.
“Something about those boys just says: America, the America that used to be great and the America that won in this election. You know, they’re going to have all the plans. So good you wouldn’t believe how good. We’re going to do great work here.”
Many Trumpian conservatives, including Rudy Giuliani and Chris Christie, still vying for Cabinet positions, expressed hope that the youths, who went 9-7 last year, would help Trump deliver on his campaign’s promises of making America great again.
Physics Dept. Begins Quest to Discover Limits of Male Ego
By HAYLEY TILLETT
Operating on a $500 million grant from the Every Woman On Earth Foundation, the Columbia Department of Physics announced on Wednesday its plans to research, and hopefully discover, the boundaries of the male ego.
In what Scientific American has called the “final frontier” of phallic physics, the project hopes to illuminate the extent to which men will go to maintain their
socially-constructed sense of superiority.
Professor Emeritus Angela Agnew, Ph.D, will oversee the project with a team of forty-two scientists in Morningside Heights. “We will be introducing our male test subjects to a variety of women’s equality measures,” Agnew reported, “and recording the percentage of these gender-balancing practices they aim to destroy. By giving our subjects complete control of decisions affecting women’s careers, families and bodies, we hope to quantify once and for all the male capacity to maintain social
hierarchies and to discover where, if anywhere, our subjects will draw the line.”
Agnew’s team will primarily conduct the study in Washington D.C., but data will be collected from all corners of the nation, as the laws of douchiness know no geographic bounds. The study is set to begin as soon as the husbands of the female scientists on the project agree to assume childcare duties for the duration of the experiment. As of press time, they have not agreed to these terms, and have departed for a “bro’s weekend” in Atlantic City.
Trump Amends Mexican Border Wall Plan to Border Picket Fence
By HARRISON GALE
Grumpy Turnip
Beta Brother Speaks out on the Effects of Being Labeled a Model Minority
By JUSTIN CHENG Male Model
BETA HOUSE - In the wake of the 2016 election, members of many minority groups have spoken out about the harmful effects of stereotyping—primarily fraternity brothers. Adam Lancaster SEAS ’18 of Beta Theta Pi has begun spreading awareness of the dangers of positive stereotypes and being labelled a “model minority.”
“What you have to realize is that ‘Beta brother’ is really just a social construct,” Lancaster said. “Most people think that the stereotype threat only applies to groups with negative stereotypes, but, you know, every stereotype, bad or good, can
have a negative effect.”
“Sometimes, I just want to hang out with my bros and objectify women,” Lancaster elaborated.
“But because we’re supposed to be the good, nerdy guys, I feel socially pressured to treat women with respect.”
“We obviously throw down all the time,” fellow Beta brother, Thomas Benson SEAS ‘19 added.
“But when we do, I feel uncomfortable binge drinking. I often find myself switching my Keystone Lights out for jungle juice just to feel more accepted. To tell you the truth, the jungle juice is non-alcoholic because we encourage responsible consumption. But the thing is, I actually like the taste of Keystone.”
Another Beta brother, Ben Greenspan CC ‘19, insisted, “I get all kinds of bitches, but I never feel comfortable calling them bitches. It’s crazy the way stereotypes can get in your head and change the way you think and act. If I didn’t have an editor position at the Fed, no one would know how edgy I am.”
Beta Theta Pi’s President, Matt Cantor CC ‘18, has responded to the recent controversy by stating that Beta will “be raising awareness for this issue by hosting several open parties with a $5 door charge.” All proceeds will go towards buying Beta brothers personal beer funnels and “Back 2 Back World War Champs” tank tops so “people will know we’re not pussies.”
Stressbusters: Be Thank-
ful You’re Not the Kid Wearing Flip Flops in the Middle of December
By CONNOR HALM Cuddle Bunny
COLLEGE WALK, 0 Degrees
Kelvin – In order to maintain a happy and healthy perspective on life, psychologists advise people to reflect on what they are thankful for each morning. For Columbia students, Stressbusters recommends being thankful that you’re not the fucking asshole who’s still wearing flip flops in the middle of December.
“You might have problems, but your distress and despair this finals season cannot possibly equal that of Economics major Rustin Hart CC’17,” said
Stressbuster Joe Thomas. “We’ve tried everything with this kid. Back massages, front massages, colonic hydrotherapy—I mean, we really pulled out all the stops on this one.”
“Mothers have been seen shielding their children from the site of Rust’s feet, where frostbite has begun to set in.”
Donning only a flimsy pair of flops and a groutfit, Rust rou-
tinely trudges through the elements to reach Schermerhorn. Mothers have been seen shielding their children from the site of Rust’s feet, where frostbite has begun to set in.
As cold as he is on the outside, Rust is just as numb on the inside. When reached for further commentary, Rust recalled how his time at Columbia has shaped his outlook on life: “Time is a flat circle,” he groaned, and hung up the phone.
If you see a man in flip flops on campus this holiday season, just thank the gods that you aren’t as despondent as an econ major.
By NATALIE ARENzON
Student Welcomes Illness to Avoid Going to Class
By ANI WILCENSKI Suffering from Scurvy
SOUP BAR, JOHN JAY - Sara Lou CC ’20 received grim medical news this week. The freshman was diagnosed with a grave infectious disorder—a diagnosis to which she responded by leaping out of her seat, throwing her Lit Hum books in the air, and rejoicing.
“The doctor told me I’m highly contagious, probably to a dangerous level. So I definitely won’t be able to make it to class,” she cheerfully informed her friends as she euphorically closed all twelve Courseworks tabs on her computer and logged into Netflix.
“Yup, it’s extremely severe. I’ll be bedridden for the next five
days, unless my condition worsens, in which case I might have to be hospitalized and it could be many more,” she added with glee as she swept the piles of schoolwork on her desk to the ground.
When asked about reports from her concerned friends about her search history, which contains such items as “how to give self life-threatening illness quickly” and “where can i find ebola,” as well as, “can i write a 10 page APA paper in 2 hours,” Sara denied all knowledge.
Lou also added a Facebook status, asserting that “no one understands my pain,” and forewarning questioners that such a serious illness is not to be trivialized for personal gain.
John Jay RA CAVA’d After Uncrustables Overdose
The incident marks the ninth such instance since JJ’s has started carrying the Smuckers treats.
By MIRANDA ROMAN Veritable Stallion
JOHN JAY 8 - According to an anonymous tip to The Federalist , another CAVA scandal is sure to be heard from the revered halls of Butler 209 to the clean, refreshing basement of the Beta house. According to the tipster, on the night of October 26th, the residents of John Jay 8 CAVA’d their Residential Advisor for overdosing on Uncrustables.
The Federalist dispatched reporters to the scene, who
spoke with Adam Goldman CC’20, a witness. “Last night, I noticed a weird smell coming from my RA’s room. It was kind of like a mix of strawberry jelly and dirty laundry? I knew exactly what to do—we talked about this stuff during NSOP. I called CAVA.”
“You can’t play around with this stuff. What I tell people is to just stay away. Not even once, that’s my policy.”
You can’t play around with this stuff. What I tell people
“This isn’t the first time we’ve been called for Uncrustables overdoses,” said the CAVA employee. “Those bad boys have 100g of sugar each. Ever since JJ’s started carrying them back in September, it’s been a bloodbath. We’ve treated eight victims so far.
Columbia Dining Halls
Plan to Include Trigger Warning Stickers for Food
By KEVIN GONG Simple Lad
Effective starting the spring 2017 semester, Columbia dining halls will offer trigger warning stickers. In addition to the current selection of gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, nut, and dairy stickers, foods labelled with “TW” will denote a dish which has the potential to induce a traumatic and life-threatening response simply by looking at it.
Christina Lee, Columbia’s registered dietician, stated that all food items will have a trigger warning, except for kale for obvious reasons. “We hope this change will help Columbia Dining be more welcoming and friendly to its victims,” said Lee. “We also hope that this change will distract your attention from the poor quality of food until we come up with another gimmick, like locally sourced beets.”
Overall, the new change has been well-received by students. “I can’t tell you how many times I
have been traumatized by seeing meatloaf and fries without trigger warnings in John Jay Dining Hall,” said Natasha Brown CC ’19. “Now I can finally eat in
peace, knowing the dining halls are going to be a safer space.”
As for the locally sourced beets, Lee said they will be available in March.
By ISAIAH BENNETT
is to just stay away. Not even once, that’s my policy. NSOP doesn’t teach these kids that Uncrustables are a gateway crustless sandwich. Once you get hooked, it isn’t long before you’re dropping all your breakfast swipes on drinkable yogurt. And that’s the stuff that gets you. People are buying four or eight bottles at a time, but one sip and you’re CAVA’d immediately. Done. Finito.”
Reporters from The Federalist also obtained an interview with an anonymous John Jay 10
resident, who was CAVA’d for Uncrustables last week. “I experimented with ‘crusts a few times during NSOP. Just two or three times...I didn’t went to get addicted or anything. Then last night, my friend brought a stash to a Carman party I was at. That’s the last thing I remember.”
This newspaper was also able to obtain a report on the number of alcohol-related CAVA calls for John Jay 8 residents since the start of the academic year: zero.
Football Player Disappointed to Learn He Was Accepted on Academic Merits
By HAYLEY TILLETT Ghostin Dem THOTS
Sitting in the locker room after practice Monday night, freshman tight-end Kevin Robertson let out a long sigh. “I ran into my admissions officer the other day,” Robertson explained, “and I asked to see my application packet. I was excited at the get go, thinking I’d get to see all the notes from the recruiters on why they picked me for the team. But there was none of that. Turns out, the football recruiters didn’t give a damn who they picked. It was basically a karaoke night situation—anyone who wanted to try it out could pretty much just sign up.”
Robertson paused to take a drink from his Gatorade water bottle, still full from before practice. “Instead, the ad -
missions team wrote that my strong SAT scores, high GPA and extensive extra-curriculars made me a fine candidate for Columbia College. Can you believe it? It’s like I just snuck onto the team through the back door. I didn’t have to go through the same grueling process of playing with a competitive high school football team that other college players endure—I just got a free pass! God, I feel like such a poser.”
Robertson is planning a double-major in political science and the classics. He recently received a 98% on his Lit Hum exam, for which he studied on the bus ride back from a game against Princeton, which the Lions lost 48–13.
White Parents Proud for No Apparent Reason
By CAMERON AVERILL Salty Gingerbread Man
SCHERMERHORN - A new-
ly discovered phenomenon has left sociologists baffled: white parents are proud of their children for no apparent reason.
Mark Spitz, a Columbia University sociologist who specializes in “Wonder-Bread-family dynamics,” said despite mediocre levels of accomplishment among white youth, white parents’ pride in their children is on the rise.
“We noticed that between 2000 and 2010 there was a 15% increase in the number of parents who indicated that they were, ‘proud or very proud of their children’s recent accomplish-
ments,’ so we expected to see these white children excelling,”
Spitz said. “But, recent studies indicate these kids are actually getting worse.”
Spitz highlights the McGovern family from Orange County, California as a prototypical example of this phenomenon. Michael and Diane McGovern’s son was accepted to a top Northeastern university nearly three years ago, but since then has done little of note. Yet, the McGovern’s “couldn’t be prouder of the man their son has become,” a common phrase associated with this phenomenon whose actual meaning has yet to be determined.
“He can do anything he puts
To Mike Pence: Come Out of the Closet!
By DALLAS KOELLING Carbo-loading
Dear Vice President-Elect Pence,
I am writing this letter to you, and slipping it under the closet door, to let you know that it’s okay to come out. It is the year 2016 - the torture of gay youth has been outlawed, marriage equality achieved, and, most importantly, RuPaul’s Drag Race is doing its SECOND all star season (this year, the winning queen gets to choose who is eliminated)!
Sure, horrific things still happen to gay people: massacre, homelessness, suicide, and whatever happened to Ryan Murphy’s career. But these things can only be combatted when our nation’s public figures work to break down the stigma. You, Governor Pence, can do that by punching in the code to the padlock you’ve installed firmly inside that closet door. It’s dark in there, Mikey, and that pasty white skin tone just isn’t going to cut it this
his mind to,” Diane McGovern said. “We’re just waiting for him to put his mind to something— anything. But in the meantime, we’re still very proud.”
Spitz identified a cultural preference among most of the families he studied, and wonders whether white families could benefit from the examples of more successful ethnic groups.
“Do you really have to be proud of the perpetual benchwarmer you gave birth to? I don’t see the Mishra’s going to Chili’s to celebrate every participation ribbon.”
And Spitz notes another confusing trend: though white mothers claim they “couldn’t be prouder” of their children, they
often exaggerate when bragging about them to their friends, and sometimes even tell outright lies—such as, “my daughter is doing above average in her classes,” and, “my son has friends.”
Spitz and his associates are still struggling to understand this aspect of white parents’ behavior. “If they were really proud of their kids, would they really feel the need to make stuff up?” Spitz asked. “It makes me wonder if they’re as proud as they say.”
But Diane McGovern rejects the notion that her lying means she isn’t entirely proud of her children. “My awful friend, Sarah, lies about her son all time, and everyone knows it,” McGov-
ern said. “I mean, does she really think we believe he’s good at basketball? The kid’s 5’ 2” and can barely walk and check his phone at the same time. But how am I supposed compete with her lies without fibbing a little?”
Spitz says regardless of the cause, white parents’ pride is proven to improve their children’s self-confidence, sometimes to the point of delusion.
Ryan, the McGoverns’ 20-yearold son, is a testament to such delusion. “I don’t really have a life plan, but I’m not too worried,” said Ryan. “My parents told me I could be anything I want: a model, a writer. I could even be the President of the United States.”
Michelin Man Explodes after Enduring Toothy Blowjob
By BENJAMIN MOST Needs to do Kegels
swimsuit season--especially now that all the White House studs have got their eyes on you!
I long to live in an America where gay men don’t hate you because you want to electrocute queer youth, but because you’ve broken too many of their hearts. And trust me - gay men are much more likely to let you shock them if you just tell them upfront that it’s your kink.
After all, it’s not like you haven’t been dropping hints. The gusto with which you agreed to be sandwiched between our bearish president-elect and our twinkish House Speaker was striking. I mean, you knew that you were just going to be tag-teamed by these two men for four straight years, and you still signed on!
So please, come out of the closet. I promise it gets better! Just maybe not in Indiana. They’ve got some real whackjobs over there.
Yours, Tim ;)
CLERMONT-FERRAND,
FRANCE - An unfortunate blowjob experience last weekend led to the explosion of the beloved Michelin Man mascot. Michelin representatives said the event took them completely by surprise.
“You always hear about the big white guy getting some in the breakroom,” one Michelin employee said. “But I never thought anything of it until I heard the pop. It was like a flat Michelin tire hissing out air, except with more wear and tear.”
The blowjob provider, who was identified only as “Trixie”, refused to comment—and she should be ashamed of herself.
Following the devastating incident, Michelin employee training will include mandatory sexual education courses advocating the benefits of abstinence, though Michelin also has a long history with rubbers, Michelin CEO Jean-Dominique Senard said.
A midnight vigil will be held Sunday night to remember the mascot who touched so many.
By AMANDA BA
Amazing! This White Freshman Knows Which Minorities Belong Here
By FEDITORIAL BOARD
Kermit Deniers
In August 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. told the world: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” Now, fifty years later, Mark Rosenwein CC ‘19 says he has perfected this art of judging minorities “by the content of their character.” After spending a little over a year at Columbia, Rosenwein is confident that he can see through opaque affirmative action practices and tell you exactly which minority students deserve to be here.
According to Rosenwein, discerning the qualified minorities from the unqualified is not an exact science. “It’s not like you can just give points for certain accomplishments and arrive at a sum that indicates whether or not someone deserves to be at Columbia. It’s more of a gut feeling, or an art—though knowing their SAT scores never hurts.”
Though the process is imprecise, Rosenwein says there are some heuristics he uses to judge the merit of his low-income classmates of color: “I start by asking myself some basic questions: Does it seem like their
high school GPA could have been as high as mine? – which is very high, by the way.”
Rosenwein dedicated himself to dissecting affirmative action practices after seeing his white peers in high school suffer grave injustice at the hands of college admissions officers. “My friend, Kyle, like many great white men before him, scored 2340 on his SAT and was captain of the golf team, but Dartmouth rejected him on grounds of his whiteness,” Rosenwein said. “If a bastion of white privilege like Dartmouth is hostile to caucasian applicants, what’s that say about the admissions practices at the rest of the Ivies?”
Rosenwein, however, acknowledges the drawbacks of relying on quantitative metrics. “A person can’t be summarized by a number,” the freshman insisted. “That’s why I also judge minority students based on whether they’re in the same extracurriculars as me, wear J Crew, or are willing to overlook the fact that I don’t shower enough.”
Rosenwein hopes to teach others his gift in order to make the world a fairer place. “We practically live in a post-racial America, and it’s time for true equality to prevail. May the man who pays the most for his SAT prep class win.”
James McShane Needs Your Help!
By FEDITORIAL BOARD
On December 2, at approximately 4:45pm on the 8th floor of John Jay Hall, I became lodged in a compactor chute on the 8th floor of John Jay. At first, I didn’t think I’d be able to fit in there, but boy was I wrong. The chutes on all floors have now been temporarily closed, I hope. First responders suggest that I may have been chasing after a suspect accused of smoking within 15 feet of a building, pursuing a litterer, or just trying to salvage a Lewinsky sandwich from Hamdel.
Facilities has contacted an outside vendor to help remove me from the chute, but they will not be able to address the problem until tomorrow, Thursday, November 17 2016, at 9:00 am. I would like to ask the Columbia Community to remain calm, but to do everything possible to help get me out of here. Currently I am still firmly wedged between the walls and the visions have begun to return. Reports say the chute is unnervingly reminiscent of the inside of a preparatory school locker, though not quite as traumatic.
As of press time, the sandwich is still at large. If you have information regarding the sandwich’s whereabouts, contact me at my personal cell phone number (212) 854-9550. If you have vaseline, or any of the water-based lubricants provided by health services, toss them down the chute.
It is very dark in the trash chute. Please.
James F. McShane, Vice President for Public Safety
Columbia University 212-854-6792
Physics Student Sues for Cruel and Unusual Punishment in FroSci
By KEVIN GONG
Does Not Diddle Kids
SCHERMERHORN - Brandon Lee CC ’20 is suing Columbia University, alleging that he has suffered cruel and unusual punishment on a weekly basis as a student in Frontiers of Science.
Lee, a physics major, says the course material was rudimentary
to the point of being torturous. “I thought we were just warming up when the professor asked us how science made us feel,” Lee says. “I didn’t realize that question made up the bulk of the course syllabus. A man can only take so much.”
Lee says that while the course may have been interesting for his
feeble-minded humanities counterparts, for him it was useless— and painfully so. “If the hardest class you’re taking is medieval military history, maybe memorizing parts of the brain might be challenging for you. But I’m in honors physics. So to me, Frosci is more useless than my nipples.”
When asked to respond to
Lee’s allegations that Frontiers of Science is not challenging enough, Dean James Valentini said that many humanities majors couldn’t handle a more rigorous science course. “What you must realize is that we take beginner’s mind very literally here.
Even though most students got 5’s on all their AP science exams,
after coming to Columbia many of them suddenly started to suck at math and science,” Valentini said. “They had to rid their brains of formulas to make room for more important things like Montaigne and Machiavelli—because they’re humanities students now. If we made the course any harder they might get a little stressed.”
Fun and
and games
WHAT IS EVERYONE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS?
By NATALIE ARENzON
GREEK LIFE AT COLUMBIA
A Four Part Investigation into Columbia’s Most Despicable Student Groups
Text By BEN
GREENSPAN
Fraternity Throws Party; Greek Life Director “Shocked,
Fraternity Brother Sips Beer; Greek Life Director “Shocked,
Part 1 of 4
Fraternity
Exists
Barnard Raises Application Fee to Include First
Born
Child
By THOMAS BROCKLAND
BARNARD COLLEGE — In a shocking move, Barnard College has raised its application fee from $65 to a prospective student’s firstborn child. The change comes after the new Dean of Admissions, Jennifer “Rumpelstiltskin” Fondiller, was chosen to alleviate a financial deficit during application season.
“I really think that this is a good replacement for the application fee, which
is so challenging for students from low-income families to meet,” the new dean was quoted as saying. “It offsets at least half the price.”
However, Fondiller admitted that the fee change was also in the interest of the institution. “As you can imagine, when most of your students are majoring in some combination of Gender Studies, Literature, and Dance, alumnae donations are not exactly free-flowing. Oftentimes, our most successful graduates
are the ones who marry Columbia econ majors, and pop out a couple trust fund babies. So we figured that instead of expecting our alumnae to sneak into their partners’ wallets to make a late-night donation, we’d just take one of their kids off their hands, trust fund and all. They probably won’t notice anyways— the nannies are normally in charge of postpartum (and sometimes prepartum) childcare.”
Many Barnard students are less than
pleased with this institutional change. “We can’t expect prospies to think about childbirth at their stage,” said perennial protestor Rhea Warner BC ‘17. “They shouldn’t have to panic about that kind of thing until the first Sunday morning of NSOP.”
“College debt is already out of control! Students can’t afford to wait another nine months to pay everything off,” continued Warner. “This is too heavy a burden to carry to term.”
Illustration By AMANDA BA
Runny Cronut
Newsbriefs
Dr. Seuss Ontology: I Think Therefore Sam I Am
In Stunning Upset, Rape Culture, Toxic Masculinity, Institutional Racism Have Survived Spec’s Op-Eds
College Is A Time for Experimentation, Says Biochem Major Pulling All-Night for Thesis
Entire Class of 2019 Suspended Over Angsty 2011 Facebook Posts
Mike Pence Pardons Gay Child from Conversion Therapy for Thanksgiving
Brian Greene Whispers Into TA’s Ear: I’ll Show You a Blackhole
Bored Nightline Worker Reads from Seinfeld Scripts During Calls.
Bio Major Offended By “One Size Fits All” Latex Gloves
PrezBo’s Emails Hacked, Released Through WikiLeaks
By PHILIP MAEHR
Lee C. Bollinger <lee.bollinger@columbia.edu> humblehamiltonsuperstar69@hotmail.com
Graduate Students Vote That They Should Have Gone To Law School
Lee C. Bollinger <lee.bollinger@columbia.edu> deantinilikemartinibutdean@gmail.com
Your English Paper Needs to Have a Chat With You
By BEN MOST Entendre Entendre
Hey, you. It’s me. Your English paper. I think we need to talk.
I get it. Sometimes you’re tired when you get back from class. I know that you work long hours and you just need to chill, watch a Netflix original and rub one out. I understand that you can’t always pay full attention to me, and that’s okay!
But you haven’t touched me in weeks. Do you know what that feels like? To be ignored, unwanted, unloved? To be rejected by the one you care about the most? To be alone?
I remember when you first met me: first laid your eyes on my suggestive prompts, my glistening ink, how stared a little too long at my massive word count. We had such big dreams. We were going to spend every night together, you and I, learning and living and growing. What happened to those dreams? What happened to the progress we were going to make, the obstacles we were going to overcome, the phrases we were going to craft together? What happened to us?
And don’t think I haven’t seen you doing your calc problem sets dutifully every week. You tell me the same thing every time. You’re just friends. It’s nothing serious. But can you blame me for being jealous? Somehow, you’re always able to make time for math, but for me, nothing.
It’s always the same lines. You’ll make time for me tonight. Just as soon as you’re done with everything else, we can cuddle up together. You were thinking about me all day, and you have so many ideas. Yet somehow, those ideas never get written. Somehow, I remain alone.
Still, sometimes, you stare at me, but the look is not the same - it’s distant, calculated, like you’re just trying to figure out how little time you can spend with me before I blow up on you. And trust me, baby, I can mess your life UP.
But I’m not too worried. My due date is coming up. In just a couple days, you and I are gonna sit down, and we’re gonna be together for hours on end. You’ll be pounding away at me late into the night.
Man Courageously Outs Self As Racist
By HARRISON GALE
Afraid of Commitment
Life in the elitist Northeast was never easy for Mason Costner CC ’19. In this region of religious tolerance and racial harmony, Costner found himself an outsider, and never felt he was able to be who he really was: an unrelenting, pitchfork-wielding racist.
“I always felt different, excluded from the others. Even my school teachers told me that somehow believing all other races other than my own were inferior made me a bad person,” Costner said. “But now that we’ve elected someone to the highest office in the land who thinks the way I do, I finally feel comfortable enough to spread my wings and be the racial extremist I’ve always known I could be.”
Costner remembers scarring incidents from his childhood that forced him to conceal his racist predilections. “In fourth grade, everyone thought I was a ghost for Halloween, but I was really dressed as David Duke, my favorite Klan member,” Costner said. “People who aren’t racist want to cram you into their unbigoted mold… I found my identity constantly being erased.”
The sophomore didn’t even find acceptance in his own home. He says his father, a
By NATALIE ARENzON
professor of Race and Ethnicity Studies at Columbia, believed Costner’s racism was just a phase, and that he’d outgrow these outward expressions of ardent bigotry. “Boy, did I prove him wrong,” Costner said.
Costner says many of his fellow students refused to associate with him once he started wearing the Confederate flag as a cape.
“Freedom of speech is in the first amendment. Shouldn’t that include the right to dress as I want, provided I’m not one of those hijab-wearing terrorists?”
Coster hopes his bravery can serve as a beacon of hope for other youn g racists.
“This is America, everyone should feel okay with being who they are. It’s 2016!” Costner continued. “I say you can be anything you want to be, from Imperial Wizard to president of the United States.”
And Costner hopes people can start seeing him as more than just a racist. “I knew this step in sharing my identity would face significant backlash,,” he added. “I can only hope that people will make the effort to get to know the real me. I play guitar, I watch Stranger Things, I hate black people. Being a racist is just one part of my identity.”
But you know what? It’s not gonna cut it anymore. As you finish me, heave out a sigh of relief, and collapse onto your twin XL before drifting off to sleep with the sunrise, I’ll be gone. My needs will be fulfilled, and you’ll be empty inside, wondering what more you could have done.
But hey, don’t be too hard on yourself. Maybe I’ll swing by sometime, and you can revise me for a higher grade.
Op-Ed: People Think
I’m
An Introvert, But I’m
Just a Bitch
By CAMERON AVERILL Committed to Being Afraid
It’s 2016, and many people rely on psychology like it’s a legitimate academic discipline. As a result, awareness of basic psychological principles has skyrocketed. People now understand the crucial distinction between introverts and extroverts. And with such newfound understanding comes increased acceptance of people who seem unfriendly just because they’re introverts.
Even though I embrace this attitude and suppose it will help some weirdass Magic the Gathering players fit in, I worry the dialogue surrounding the issue will quickly become reductive. While many unfriendly people are introverts, some, like me, are not. Make no mistake: I’m not an introvert. I’m just a bitch. I took an authoritative online introvert-extrovert placement test, and tested in the 98th percentile for extroverts. Even though psychology tells me human interaction invigorates me, I can’t force myself to greet people with a smile or ask them about their day. I could definitely perk up, but I don’t. Because
I’m a misanthropic bitch.
Sometimes people encourage me to do public speaking, and imagine the audience in their underwear. I do, but not because I’m nervous. I just think it’s funny to see how ugly everyone looks naked. Fat Vicky really needs to keep her stretch marks a secret.
Every time I speak with one of the insufferable peons who go to this school, I wish I could cleave an axe between their misshapen eyebrows so I could just finish my day without having to suffer through their inane bullshit.
Most of the people in this place have taken AP Psych, so I think they probably just assume I’m an introvert and aloof. My predisposition toward being an extrovert is strong, but my predisposition toward being a heartless, seething bitch is stronger.
So next time you meet someone who seems unfriendly or distant, don’t just assume they’re well intentioned introverts. Don’t for one moment think that if you just get to know them they’ll open up to you. Because that unfriendly, cold person might not be an introvert at all. They might just be a bitch.
University Abolishes Tuition, Implements A La Carte System
By LUIS VERA
LOW LIBRARY - The University confirmed Monday morning that it would be terminating tuition charges for the 2017-2018 academic year, replacing them with a system in which students pay only for those parts of education they consume.
“The old all-you-can-learn system, we’ve decided, is entirely unsuited for the savvy modern student, who knows what he/ she/ze needs far better than we can,” President Bollinger told reporters at a press conference on Monday. “Now, students won’t be burdened with access to an unparalleled, world-renowned wealth of resources they’ll almost certainly never use, and can start taking charge of their own education.”
Protest groups wishing to use the steps of Low Library, furthermore, will need to pony up a non-refundable security deposit three weeks in advance; in an effort to promote efficiency, however, the University will waive the fee for any group that can check off five or more boxes on its intersectionality checklist.
Dining plans, additionally, will be done away with, replaced by a “Build Your Own Meal” system
Under the new system, students won’t only be charged per credit—they’ll pay for the number of lectures they attend each semester, with added “grading fees” and “question processing charges.” Office hours will continue to exist, but students will pay on a prorated, per-minute basis, encouraging prioritization. Access to Butler Library, Lerner Hall, the sundial, and similar public spaces will charged at an hourly rate, adjusted to account for surges in demand at any given time.
in which students pay individually for each component of the food they consume, down to the last tomato slice (MSRP: $0.10) on their sandwich.
While chronic truants have embraced the changes with open arms, student advocacy groups have turned out in force to protest the new system, arguing that the new charges disproportionately affect struggling students. Abby Jensen CC ‘17, spokesperson for CCSC, denounced the new system: “This is what happens when Big Tutoring is allowed to pay off administrators. The system is broken.” Indeed, a consultation with CUIT following the announcement revealed a sudden spike in searches for sources of supplemental income for students: the number of people looking up “how to become an egg donor” and “Mexican kidney cartel” doubled late Monday afternoon, while, “how
to sell self into sex slavery” has also skyrocketed.
Other opponents of the new system have claimed that charging for access to public spaces prevents low-income students from bonding with their community. However, in an uncharacteristic display of foresight and compassion, the University has assuaged such concerns by announcing the “Social Stickers” program, in which disadvantaged students will be issued large badges, labeled “POOR” in large red letters, that allow them discounted access to Lerner and dormitory lounges.
Despite these arguments, however, some have welcomed the new provisions. “I think it’s fantastic that this school has elected to stop subsidizing laziness,” Ryan Blake CC ‘19, a member of Columbia University College Republicans, said. “I think if you can’t just get partial
derivatives on your own, you should pay up. When I don’t get things, I just concentrate a little harder. I don’t see why hard-working students should be forced to brunt the cost for kids who just want to be spoonfed their education.”
Meanwhile, other students have decided the implications of the new plan aren’t so bad after all. Said George Harrison CC ’20, “At first I was afraid I might have to get a job to pay for my study sessions at Butler, but then I realized I can put it all on Pop Pop’s card anyway—and to top it all off, all these “historically disadvantaged” students will be bringing down the curve.”
As of press time, the Public Safety was investigating reports of TAs being abducted and forced to provide free tutoring, warning anyone “who’s ever opened a Calculus textbook” to stay vigilant.
What Has He Become?
Student Switches
CC Sections after Only Getting 98 on Midterm
By YI WANG Aboriginial Skeptic
HAMILTON HALL - In an unprecedented show of defiance, Erica Stoneberg CC ‘19 announced to anyone who would listen that she was switching Contemporary Civilization sections during registration this week.
Stoneberg cited various reasons for her big decision. “I felt that my current professor doesn’t allow his students the intellectual freedom that many others do. In fact, he only calls on me around four times each class and cuts me off after about two to seven minutes of speaking.” Stoneberg also stated that she felt her grade was too low on the midterm, only having received a 98 on the essay portion.
“I’m excited for my new professor,” continued Stoneberg. “I read on CULPA that he only gives A’s and A+’s, which is exactly the learning environment I’m looking for.”
FroSci Student Calculates How Long Into Conversation With Mom Can He Ask for Money
By NICK RIBOLLA Proud to Be In ADP
CARMAN HALL - Demonstrating the power of the Core in action this Friday, Art History major Sam Broadbent CC ‘20 told reporters he was able to calculate exactly how long he had to stay on the phone with his mother before asking for more money applying the back-of-the-envelope calculation skills he learned in Frontiers of Science.
Broadbent, during 35 minutes of sustained pleasantries,
reportedly could not believe how unreasonable the guy at the toll booth on the way back from Jersey had been either, and agreed that the new teak furniture was “so Dad”—before requesting that his mother deposit money into his checking account.
“Using what I gained in FroSci I could easily estimate the amount of time I’d have to stay on the line before popping the Q,” said Broadbent. “As I’d been taught, I quickly identified and began measuring variables, such as the num-
Student Cons Parents Out of $250,000 to Support His Art History Habit
By MAX ROSENBERG Can’t Take a Hint
ENGLEWOOD, NJ – According to multiple reports, Hannah Dimon CC ’17 conned her parents out of an exorbitant sum of money to pay for her art history habit. The scam, which spanned the course of several years, cost her parents over $250,000 and involved Dimon posing for years as a hardworking student.
“We were under the impression that she was striving to get an education that would actually better her future,” her father said. “It just broke my heart when I visited her in that cockroach-infested den on 114th street and realized the kind of life she had been living all along.”
Dimon’s father found her surrounded by all sorts of sordid paraphernalia, including $300 textbooks, Warhol prints, and museum tickets.
“The worst part is that she was so smug, like she had done nothing wrong,” Dimon’s father said. “She swindled us out of a quarter of a million dollars but was unrepentant, insisting she was ‘learning how to learn.’”
After learning about her problem, Dimon’s parents placed her in an intensive rehabilitation program at Columbia’s School of Engineering and Applied Sciences.
ber of times my mom said, ‘Mary from the PTA is an insufferable witch who can’t tell hummus from baba ganoush.’ These variables were crucial to my gauging her willingness to give me money in as little time as possible without seeming rude.”
“We at the Department couldn’t be happier,” said Roosevelt Montás, Director of the Center for the Core Curriculum. “This is exactly the kind of extracurricular demonstration of back-of-the-envelope calculations we want our students to employ.” Montás says arts students have also reportedly used the Core’s science requirements to find the maximum surface area of a mole before it needs to get checked out, and to estimate the number of empty wine bottles that can fit into a 100 square foot John Jay single. At press time, Broadbent’s mother expressed surprise that it took her son more than 30 minutes to ask for money this time, before staring blankly at her credit card statement and taking a long sip of red wine.
By NICK RIBOLLA
