In Fashion - March 2023

DOXA

Dear Readers,

As a member of the CMU body, I am confident that you have been given several opportunities to assess your clothing choices. You may have been asked to ponder questions like where did you buy your clothing and does that change how you interact with it? Often these questions can overshadow other aspects of your clothing such as what your clothing says about you (if you are wearing Blundstones, a Patagonia sweater, and a Nalgene attached to your belt with a carabiner, you’re wearing CMU Basic). But does basic have to be a negative thing? Clothing can shape how you interact with your environment and give strangers information about yourself. ‘Basic’ says that you fit with the values of this community.

The writers of the Doxa have taken it upon themselves to examine their wardrobes (and a prof’s!) to understand the interactions between clothing, their owner, and environments. As the reader, you have been given the opportunity to interact with the Doxa through a hypothesis and becoming a local stylist; read on to find out more!

When you come across a copy of the Doxa, feel free to take it home with you and connect with your inner child.

Your Stylin’ Editors,

Mike and Katie

Fashion Through the Ages with Grace and Miriam

by Grace Siemens

Fashion is an integral part of growing up. Learning to express oneself is a journey we all undergo and survive. In this picture essay we will outline and work through our own personal explorations with fashion and reflect how they encompass the broader social trends.

Learning Through Layers (Miriam, 2003)

Young Miriam was bold and fearless. They expertly layered turtlenecks, baggy shirts, and patterned vests, knowing that a hat completes every outfit. If we are being honest, this was likely their peak. This outfit truly represents the turn of the century. Showing newfound fashion bravery and the truth that as long as you are confident, everything goes together.

A True Canadian (Grace and Sister 2009)

Fashion and jean jackets have had a rocky relationship, forever on again off again. However, circa 2009, with help from crimped hair and ballet flats, denim jackets were ever present in every fashion forward closet. 2009 made the Canadian tuxedo cool again and for that we will forever be indebted.

Watermelon Core (Miriam, Grace and Friends, 2009)

Picture this. It’s summer 2009, you reach into your closet and pull out a t-shirt – the hottest pink you’ve ever seen. You think to yourself, “What will pair well with this?” Naturally you reach for your bright green leggings. This really is the colour scheme of the year.

Screaming Early 2000s Core (Miriam and Grace, 2010)

Coming off of our experimentation with colour, we were confident we knew how to strut our style in the streets. Nothing says style like knock-off Costco Uggs, a cropped tank, and low rise jeans. Whether walking in the summer heat or chilly fall air, we knew just what to wear.

Pretty in Pink (Miriam, Grace and Friend, 2010)

2010… when Disney Channel was all the rage, our iPod Nanos were filled with Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift, and we were all ready for our paparazzi shoot at any moment. Whether pairing a snazzy beanie with a flowy sundress or a graphic tee with a striped long-sleeve, the start of this new decade is one remembered by all fashion enthusiasts.

Still Learning Through Layers

(Miriam, Grace and Friends, 2007)

Trying to keep warm and keep up with the hot new trends is a challenge that we have mastered. Nothing screams fashion more than hot pink camo or cuffed bell bottom jeans. The smiles may be forced but the style comes naturally.

We’re Doing…Something (Miriam, Grace and Friend, 2015)

Everyone goes through awkward stages. Often newly found independence leads to questionable decisions. No longer under our Mother’s guiding hand, we took matters into our own hands, experimenting through long socks, square glasses and athleisure. 2015 was a year of bold new beginnings, ones that thankfully drew to a close.

Delmar’s Tie Collection

by Kayden Brown

At this time last year I became fascinated with the idea that Delmar Epp (Associate Professor of Psychology at CMU) had a rather strict tie rotation. In order to test my hypothesis I employed the help of a few other students to track the ties that Delmar wore to the university each day. We compiled data (rather inconsistently) for over two months and much to our surprise, never spotted the same tie twice. In my mind, I expected a person like Delmar to have somewhere between twenty and thirty unique ties which function within a strict rotation schedule. The goal was to write a Doxa article that predicted Delmar’s future tie decisions throughout the year. It became apparent quite quickly that Delmar had many more than two months of unique ties. To this day I still have not seen any of the ties we recorded in those two months again.

My imagination ran wild with questions about Delmar’s ties. How many does he really have? Has he counted them all? How does he store that many ties? How does he decide which tie to wear amongst such a large collection? As a result of these questions, I am starting the Delmar Tie Pool, in which anyone may submit their guess of how many ties Delmar has and how he organizes/stores them. To level the playing field and provide a benchmark, my prediction is Delmar owns 180 ties and stores them in an old-school iron-clad wooden chest. To enter the pool send me an email with your predictions at BrownKA@student.cmu.ca. By the publication of the next Doxa I will ask Delmar details about his collection and publish the results of the pool.

The Inaccessibility of Ambiguous Academic

Lexicon: A Personal Tale

by Jenica Sul

The following piece was written to accompany “The Inaccessibility of the Ambiguous Academic Lexicon,” Jenica Sul’s final essay for BTS-2200 - Reading the Bible as Witness to Liberation. Jenica’s essay can be found on the Wittenberg Door, near South Reception.

I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, also known as ADHD. This affects much of my life, but the thing I struggle with the most is, without a doubt, reading academic writing. As a university student, this particular struggle seems to dominate much of my life during the school year, but there are definitely points at which it is significantly more difficult to get through academic readings than others. Some pieces of academic writing that I have encountered hold my attention perfectly well, but with others I find myself being distracted by other things in my mind for more than half of the time I spend on a reading.

This has nothing to do with my overall ability understand the words on the page in front of me. Before I reached kindergarten, I was reading with surprising competence. My father tells a story sometimes about how by November of my kindergarten school year, I had accurately sounded out and understood the word ‘consequences’. By third grade, I was assessed as having a tenth-grade reading level. In high school, I was the only student in my grade who was excited every year when we reached the poetry unit in our English class, and it was that reason that inspired me to pursue a minor in English at university alongside my Psychology degree. I have always had a deep fascination with language and the multiple, complex potential meanings that can be conveyed by individual words. If anything, the fact that I struggle so immensely with reading academic writing should be a shocking fact, given my personal history with reading and language in general.

I have known for years that I struggle with focusing on academic reading, but I was only able to officially name that difficulty as being connected to a larger disorder that I have as of June of 2022. I had suspected that I may have ADHD since sometime around 2015, and did nothing about it for a while, assuming that it was more likely that my struggles were either an experience that everyone was having behind closed doors or that I would grow out of them in my adulthood. When I did finally bring it up with my doctor, getting an evaluation to determine whether I had ADHD took about two and a half years due to various complications, during which time I was unable to access the medical and educational supports that a diagnosis would have provided me. With these supports finally in place as I entered my fourth year of university, I found reading academic writing to be much easier than it had ever been.

It was when I picked up a course text that made it feel like my medication was no longer helping with my reading all of a sudden that I started to wonder what was really at the root of what was happening here. This text, which the professor for the course openly admitted was probably closer to a graduatelevel reading, had my mind trailing off around three times per sentence. The complexity of the language being used seemed to entirely derail my ability to read. When I was managing to understand what I was reading, it was because I was moving through the text at a speed that one might expect to move at whilst teaching a child to read, except I was both the child who could not process the information and the adult who knew the meanings of all of the words and who knew how to break down the sentences in such a way that the child could start to understand them. It was an experience unlike any I had ever had with reading before, and I find it to be a difficult experience to fully explain. I managed to get through the first page of this book in the same amount of time that it usually takes me to read ten, and, while I had understood what I had read once I slowed the process down, I knew that there was no logistical way that I could read the entirety of this book.

It is not a good feeling to have to admit to a professor that you are incapable of doing something that they have expected to be a reasonable request. I felt lucky that my professor was understanding and accommodating to my needs once I explained what was happening. He even encouraged me to write my

final paper for the course on the topic of the difficulties that neurodivergent people (those with ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, specific learning disability, and various other neurological conditions) have with reading, and I was happy to take that opportunity. Had I not, by this point, had an ADHD diagnosis under my belt, I am not sure I would have been able to justify bringing it up to the professor at all. The certification that my difficulties with attention are greater than a neurotypical student’s was necessary for me to feel as though I was allowed to voice that difficulty. In my three prior years of university, when I encountered difficulties with concentration, they felt like they were not justifiable since my doctor did not agree with my concerns. Typically, I ended up feeling as though I was simply not trying as hard as my peers, that I just needed a better work ethic, and that I deserved any reduced marks I was receiving as a result of my attention difficulties.

When I started researching the connections that have been found between ADHD and reading difficulties, I was disappointed at how few pieces of research I could find on the topic. As something that is so prevalent to how I function in my day-to-day life, it felt like something that should have been a more pressing issue to psychological and neurological researchers. I kept digging nonetheless, and the research I did manage to find allowed me to finally voice something I had experienced but could not up until that point name.

People with ADHD have difficulties with executive brain functions (Geyer 2021, 24), namely selective attention (choosing what to pay attention to) and inhibitory control (blocking out things that are distracting) (Reisberg 2022, 172). These are things that everyone struggles with sometimes, but these struggles are significantly more intense for people with ADHD. In reading a piece of complex academic writing, my inhibitory control and my selective attention are challenged whenever I encounter a word that could have multiple potential meanings (Holmes et al. 2020, 1456). This is because, as I encounter such a word, I begin to think about these multiple meanings (inhibitory control) and then find it very difficult to return my attention to my reading (selective attention). I am then more likely to continue to be distracted by other pieces of irrelevant information that are somehow connected to the irrelevant word meanings that I could not help but consider.

When I put these pieces of research together in my paper, I felt a genuine release of tension in my body. I not only understood my own difficulties fully for the first time in my life, but I could put it into words that were backed up by empirical data. For years I felt as though I was not capable of being a university student, yet I also knew that I had a high capacity for and interest in learning. Upon writing this paper I realized that, ironically, some of my difficulty with reading was coming from the fact that I had such a deep love for and understanding of the English language and its complexities.

It was cathartic to finally understand the roots of my struggles, but it also made me extremely frustrated. Why, in writing that has the express purpose of educating and of sharing knowledge, was there this wall of complex language being put in front of me? If it is expected that some people who encounter these texts have brains like mine (and that should be an expectation; I can personally name many friends of mine who are current post-secondary students that also have ADHD, and even more that have other neurodivergencies), then the inclusion of excessive amounts of overly-complex language in academic texts becomes, at best, negligent, and at worst, exclusionary. While it impacts those of us who have diagnoses and who have supports around us, it is having an even more widespread impact on people who do not have or can not receive these diagnoses, and the barrier to education for those people becomes even greater.

I know that this is a large, systemic problem that is not in the hands of a single institution, but I believe that it is an important one for the faculty of CMU who are assigning course readings, as well as all students who aspire to one day produce academic writing or to become instructors themselves, to keep in mind. If something you need to communicate can be simplified without losing any important, nuanced meaning, it should be simplified. There is no reason for information to be hidden behind walls that can be dismantled by a single editing session, and to choose to keep building those walls despite knowing the damage they are causing is to contribute to the elitist gatekeeping of knowledge.

Presidential Fashion

by Kyla Willms

and Hillary Jorgensen, drawings by k.w.

As the Doxa team was coming up with a theme for this issue, we discussed what fashion is like at CMU. One person came to mind in this conversation: CMU President Cheryl Pauls. We recognized Cheryl instantly as a CMU “fashion icon.” Hillary Jorgenson and I wondered what it could be like to interview Cheryl, as a woman in a position of power; how does style contribute to or not contribute to her every day? Does Cheryl’s eclectic fashion taste connect with the inner workings of CMU? We thought we would find out by interviewing Cheryl on her fashion philosophy, where she shops, and how she thinks about her own style.

Hillary Jorgensen: Where have you found inspiration for your style?

Cheryl Pauls: So, I have no idea. There would be two things to consider, because there’s something different between style and the clothes in your closet, right? So, clothes in the closet … I like searching for gems. Just like searching in the library, I like to search for gems. So either second hand or just last call Winners kind of thing. Whatever store emerges. But the inspiration will be I found a gem on that rack that I didn’t necessarily know I was looking for. Which is also scary because that could mean you are buying all kinds of things you don’t need. There’s something that’s kind of terrifying in that admission.

HJ: I think everybody who thrifts understands that’s just the reality of going thrifting – you always come across something that’s so unique and you just have to get it, but do I need it? I don’t always know.

CP: Right, so you get it. So, finding gems. Finding a library book and finding an item of clothing can kind of be the same thing for me. In terms of style, I certainly don’t read fashion things or have any sense of that. I mean occasionally maybe I like what a person’s done with their style, but it’s not like I’m trying to emulate somebody else. So, if anything it would be more about the intentionality, because I figure out my clothes at night. So, when I’m doing that, I sometimes try to put some combination together that I haven’t done before just for the fun of it. I just try combinations and see if they work. As far as colour combinations in style, it might be that you see a painting, or you see some natural phenomenon, or some sort of plant life or whatever and think, “Oh, I like the way those colours work together! Maybe I should try those colours together and see if they work in clothing.” It would be the colour and shape of things I would be interested in.

HJ: Could you elaborate more on what you mean by shapes and getting inspiration from your environment?

CP: I kind of play off the symmetry and asymmetry thing, like even how far do you push the asymmetry? I’m interested in asymmetry. And how often do you have earrings just in one type? How many people are going to tell you, “You wore the wrong two earrings”? The other

shape aspect would be about patterns in things and shape in fabric. I don’t think I’ve played radically with the lengths of things or arms that go way down to here, though.

Kyla Willms: What’s something you tell yourself when you’re getting ready for your day? What are you thinking about?

CP: As I figure out my clothing the night before, I need to release the day, so I just need to think about colour and shape and what might fit together. I’m not thinking about other things, it lets focus on something that’s fun and playful.

HJ: Where do you like to get your clothes?

Cheryl kindly took this moment to pull out some pieces she brought from her closet that spoke to this question. Some examples are drawn alongside this article.

CP: So, I bought these directly from artists – I like buying directly from artists when I can. I’ll do the thrifting thing, but if I’m going to spend money, I’m going to spend money on the artists that made the things.

Describing the bag and coat from Croatia as pictured, Cheryl comments: These were from someone who has just

a tiny shop, almost like a kiosk, and she was the sewer and designer herself. I love to do that – I don’t necessarily do that that often, but I like that.

pieces longer?

CP: Okay, so this will get into the later question on philosophy, because of how I try to deal with the thrifting and overconsumption. I really am trying to think about how I have a responsible amount of clothing and can use it up before I die. What’s someone else actually going to want? Well, this is my mother-in-law’s dress. I wish it would have been passed on, because people from every decade would’ve found this amusing or worn it for something else. You want to actually see what are pieces that, for whatever reason, will have some interest for others. Also, what can you wear out enough? What can become sleepwear? Things like that.

KW: Do you have a fashion philosophy?

Cheryl then broke down the outfit she wore to the interview: a mid-length lavender purple dress, with purple tights, purple heels, and the Croatian jacket that had intricate, colourful, flowery details.

CP: The purple dress that I have on underneath, I got this at a high-end store that had a last call at Portage Place when Portage Place started to realize their regular high-end store was over. So, I got this dress there. That kind of combination is probably the most common.

When I bought fabric because someone was sewing my wedding dress, I just found these cool fabrics and got someone to sew these two dresses. It’s just this [2 nice dresses made with colourful patterns]. The designs are what attracted me. [Pulling out a blue dress from her bag] But this is a dress that my mother-in-law made for herself in the late 40s or early 50s. I just think it’s so much fun! I mean, look at all this detail, it’s totally hand sewn. It’s hard to know where to wear this, because if people don’t know you, they might wonder: why are you wearing this? But if I go to a Christmas party where everybody knows me and I can tell this story that this is my mother-in-law’s dress from the late 40s, then it’s fun to wear, right?

Cheryl then proceeded to pull out a navy blue jumper that connected to the high school that both Cheryl and Kyla’s mom went to, as it was part of the older uniform

CP: This is my oldest item, and Kyla, you’ll get this, this is my Eden jumper. We used to have to wear a uniform. Just so you can feel it, it’s polyester. You had to wear things under it, but now I wear it as a summer dress and it’s totally fine. It works! I wear it and I just think it’s funny. Anyway, I’m not actually a “keeper” type of person. I’m a little more streamline. My mother-in-law wasn’t, and this is why she still has these kinds of dresses. But I did hold onto this jumper because it’s funny.

KW: I was just about to ask, do you feel like you hold onto

CP: Okay, I’m not critical of anyone who wears jeans. But I don’t wear jeans. And it’s because jeans have taken on a moral authority that they’re the grand equalizer. Dress them up, dress them down, they fit everywhere. So, good on them, their marketing worked. But there’s the moral part of it, that somehow, you’re an elitist person because you’re not wearing jeans because the jeans are the grand equalizer. That bothers me. It’s not that I’m saying that people are thinking that, but I just thought, how can an industry claim to do that? Because you can wear jeans everywhere, the implication is that there is nothing else you can wear everywhere. So, I’ve done mocking things about this at times like worn dress skirts and a jean shirt, trying to point out how stupid it looks to do the opposite. Part of this also connects to where I get my clothes and considering the issue of local clothing. [Cheryl proceeds to pull out two pairs of jeans] The only two pairs of jeans I have are so old that they are made in Canada! I have blue jeans and they’re totally fine, but you know, they’re not even worn out. And these old purple ones are more worn out, but they’re much older. It’s not like I was intentionally buying things that were made in Canada at that time, but that’s what I’m trying to do now more. That’s a hard thing.

Another part of my philosophy is that it doesn’t take any longer to put on something that’s a little out of the ordinary than something ordinary, so why not just do it!

Another thing, often the bizarre colours are cheaper. My kids hated this. I would find these cool coloured pants and they’d be like, “Mom, I want black or blue.” But that’s the part of it, that they’re cheaper. Like these purple shoes –they are actually comfortable, they’re sensible shoes, and they’re well made. But they’re way cheaper than a black shoe, so things just kind of evolve for different reasons. This part started with an economic care that kind of drove these things, and then you try adding the ecological concern of how different fabrics will decompose.

The other aspect is walking the edge of a bit of art, but

not so much that its distracting. And this applies for performance, or everyday life, or in my role right now. You don’t want to get up on stage and your dress is so much the centre of attention that people don’t listen to what you’re playing, or, when I’m speaking in public, the clothing makes people ask, “What are you doing?”

I love the fact that the most radical colour I have is my snow pants. And the reason my snow pants are my most radical colour is because they were so cheap. I bought them thinking Nic or Will [Cheryl’s children] would wear them, but they weren’t interested in them. So, this is [Cheryl pulls out a pic of the snow pants where her bottom half almost disappears into the warming room at the Forks as it is painted the same colour as the snow pants]. We were walking out there, and I disappeared! You know I get confidence from those snow pants. They are by far the most neon crazy colour of anything I have, and they were unbelievably cheap, and they are really good snow pants. But the thing is, they’re warm, they’re safe, they’re colourful. You know what I mean? They’re doing these things all at once!

Anyway, that kind of a neon colour, I’m not going to be wearing anywhere else. So, it’s about watching the edge, or trying to watch the edge of having some artistry but not distracting from your purpose of being somewhere. You’re not there to make fashion statements, we’re there to do something else. And clothing is still serving a purpose. We wear clothing – you might as well have fun with everyday things you do. But that’s that. That it’s not distracting and that there is room for everyone in the room, there’s not this huge attention to yourself.

And on the distracting note – oh, this was very funny actually. I was in a meeting once, and I made some sort of comment about more with less, less with more and less is more. I was pointing to the need for less is more in paying fair trade, and those kinds of things. Brian [Cheryl’s husband] and I talk about this a lot in terms of the jazz improv he does. Often fewer notes is more – more effective, it’s an aesthetic thing, it’s a beauty thing, and so on. Anyways, I was trying to make this comparison across these three, because we are still in a “more” culture, whether it’s more stuff or whether it’s people thinking, “We’ve got to work harder, we’ve got to be smarter.” I used this analogy that I decided to wear certain earrings and no necklace, right? And these people at the table look at me like, “We have hired a president here who uses analogies of putting on her jewelry to think about her role.” That was a bit much, but it was funny. They were thinking, “Okay, this is weird.”

KW: That’s bringing a new perspective into the room, eh?

CP: There was something in that, it’s that fine line of less

being more. What you’re actually after aesthetically that could help in other things.

There was a time that I was preaching in a very conservative church made up mostly of older people. So, a place where it’d be rare that a woman was preaching. And these women, these older women, came up to me after and it was kind of this combination of, “I like your suit,” and “I like what you say.” It was as if they felt invited in by just a few words and partially it was just paying a little bit of attention to the aesthetics of the aspect that connected to the words.

HJ: What song do you think best expresses your style, fashion philosophy, or just makes you feel very confident in yourself?

CP: György Ligeti etudes, specifically Book 1, No. 5 and 6, Arc-en-ciel and Automne à Varsovie. It’s some of the most colorful music ever, definitely the most colourful thing I can pull out of the piano. They just come to life with a rippling abundance of colour and energy. They’re almost like taking a walk through the forest, the colour, the movement of everything around you, the wind blowing at different speeds, it’s all there. That’s what this music is, an abundance of color and movement.

KW: Is there anything else you wanted to include or touch on that we didn’t cover?

CP: My sister and I challenged each other to a “buy nothing” year once, and we had to check with each other if we needed to get something. I only ended up buying one bathing suit, because at the time that was something I actually did need. Overall, I would say when it comes to fashion, have fun with it. Also, I try to have abundance, but also avoid the excesses and all the problems around consumerism such as overproduction, overconsumption, et cetera. Those kinds of things are important in all of this. My main burden on the topic is more this environmental aspect than the connection between clothing and how we think about the human body. So, I’m comfortable taking part in fashion while also being conscious of the impact on the environment and human bodies. I think the human body matters, and we can celebrate that without the excess. There are so many complicated factors of fashion, but overall, the biggest concern for me is the ecological footprint and treatment of people. Partially, I would be totally happy to be collectivist about it and just have big closets that we could all choose from together rather than everyone needing to buy their own clothes. I think that putting clothing together is fun, but it doesn’t have to have this ownership and consumerism about it.

HJ: I wonder, do you find that you consume more because you wear more unique pieces? I feel like that’s what I’ve

sort of found with my own style. I have a lot of items that are just so unique that there’s really only one way to wear them where it will look good. So I have found myself buying more than I need just because there’s less mixing and matching that can be done. It’s like there’s a really weird line there that you have to ride between being unique and not overconsuming.

CP: Yes, exactly, and I do think that that’s a tough line and something I struggle with. Basically, clothing’s just gotten too cheap! I’ll be the first to say that I have too much clothing, but what I’m trying to do is work at the angle that the unique pieces don’t force overconsumption and color combinations with unique pieces work. But yeah, I definitely have too much clothing!

KW: I’m there with you. It’s kind of what we’re socialized to do anyways.

HJ: Yeah, and of course we rationalize all the time too. If I’m at a thrift store, I often make the argument like, “Well if I don’t get it, it’s probably gonna end up in a landfill somewhere, sooo...” So that doesn’t really help either, but also it kind of does.

CP: But also it kind of does, right, like it’s a temporary solution, so how is that not only a half way transition plan thing that will actually like get us to a different place? I just paid more money to fix a zipper than I did for the actual thing, so starting with something like the cost of repair might be something. The majority of people would just toss the item and buy something new that costs less than the repair. So, to commit to being okay with paying more for repairs and keeping the clothes you already have is a big deal. And that’s just one step. Oftentimes, though, putting together an outfit for me is like putting together a program. It’s very intentional for me, and there’s a lot of things to think about when I do that.

KW: Yeah! I sort of assumed that picking an outfit would be an intentional process for you, but I wasn’t sure. That’s so fun.

CP: Yeah, well, what’s intentional is me mostly picking out my outfits the day before. Because life is hard, and sometimes we get stuck in ruts and things can get boring, so how can using clothes kind of get you out of both?

Cheryl’s thoughts were insightful on the meaning behind the clothes we all choose to wear every day. What are we living into with our clothing choices? What stories do we like to tell? And how does our consumption tell a certain story of “more” or “less”? Overall, Hillary and I were very thankful to Cheryl for agreeing to do the interview with us. It was a beneficial conversation of rethinking those everyday practices in our lives that often go untouched or unnoticed.

Boko Maru

by Cheap Bastard

“Ste-step, ste-squelch, ste-step, set-squelch, etc., etc.” — My Shoes

I don’t skate but I wear Vans anyways. They are destroying my feet with comfort, but I don’t mind my pigeon foot walk I have, degrading my foot arch to a flat rotting plank. I guess it’s only fair it ruins my feet, as I tend to ruin them.

I’ve had the pair I wear today for a year and a half, but I wear them all season ‘round on street terrain. In the fall a hole appeared, and I sewed it shut.

They squelch nowadays. The rubber on the starboard of the right shoe will squeak, squelch, and squawk when wet and walking. A buddy of mine called me a “cheap bastard” but I remind him I do have another pair. My sentimentalism prevents me from using them.

You can see the soul of the shoe before your sole is cradled by the shape of its body. It walks you through things. They have been with me on in crisis and bedlam. They have crossed terrible and amazing boundaries. Angelic, holy and damned.

If you see a dead man’s shoes, you’ll see it too. Placed neatly despite being worn with a life span that surpasses its host and both lays prim and idle on the ground,

One above; one below.

The biography of a man in scuffs and wear.

So, I keep my old shoes when I can no longer walk in them and hang up the holey vessels and see the lives I once lived, the pains, the joys. I look at my shoes under me and say thanks. They squeak back to me as I walk away, them and I.

Why I Can’t Accept the Apology

I found out that a staff member of CMU changed my gender markers on my transcript without my consent or request, and I found out the hard way. I was about to send a digital copy of the transcript to my parents in order to access funds to begin paying off my student loans when I saw that, instead of the usual “Miss” at the top of the page it had been changed to “Mx.”

I saw my life flash before my eyes, saw the future of being outed to my family who, up to this moment, are unaware of my identity as part of a group they hate. I couldn’t handle the thought of this happening now of all times, in this way of all ways. So I lied. I covered up the situation, saying I didn’t know what happened. I’m not a good liar; I don’t know if they believed me. For now, I’m “not out yet.”

CMU Registrar’s Office and the person responsible have apologized to me. But it’s more complicated than that, and I want to explain why. I want this situation to be transparent to all staff, faculty, and students. I want to be able to clearly say what I mean to say.

If it is university policy to not make changes to a person’s gender markers unless specifically requested, what exactly took place to make this person feel like it was okay to break protocol in my case? It was suggested that because I had answered one question of a fillable form with they/them pronouns that this person thought it would be helpful to change it on the transcript, an unrelated document. I don’t take that as a good enough reason.

I believe some large assumptions were made; assumptions that existed subconsciously before this incident even happened:

1. That using they/them pronouns exclusively indicates a person is nonbinary and necessarily will also use other honorifics and markers associated with nonbinary identity – such as Mx.

2. That a person should be or logically must be out in the same way in all areas of their life.

3. That a person does not need to be informed of changes to their gender markers.

In this situation, part of what is so painful to me is that my identity became something that other people handled without me. It was supposedly common knowledge – but it was not known to me. I hate the thought that someone thinks they know more about me than I do – more about what I want, what I need, especially when I have gone through so much to try to find my identity. I wish that everything to do with my gender starts with me. I want to be in control of who I am, just like anybody else. This situation took that away from me.

It discourages me, thinking that there will always be people making assumptions about me, even if they say they want to be helpful. I already know that people assume that I am a woman based on my hair, my clothes, my face. It hurts to know that people are also making assumptions about the type of nonbinary person I should be. Like I should be the type of person who doesn’t mind it when my gender is changed behind my back, or the type of person who is proudly out in all areas of my life.

It’s disheartening to think that some people don’t believe or simply forget that there is any reason for someone to remain closeted currently. Where I come from, coming out or not coming out remains a huge decision with uncomfortable, hurtful, and far-ranging consequences for all areas of our lives. It is a decision that can take years to make, and has cost people their families, their mental wellness, their financial and physical safety. It might be 2023, but it’s not the same 2023 for everybody. I could just as well ask why I should have to explain transphobia to university staff in 2022/23.

I don’t accept the apology because deep down, I don’t think we are looking at the situation the same way. I don’t think the apology addresses what I really want to know.

I want to know why CMU has a staff and faculty culture where it can ever be assumed that consent regarding gender is unnecessary. I believe consent, in all areas but especially identity is essential and should be a given. Why wasn’t it?

In spite of this person’s intention to be helpful or to make things easier for me, it has completely destroyed my trust for CMU as an institution. I don’t trust CMU to hold a truly safe environment for me as a queer person and I worry about others as well. The promises to make changes in the future don’t mean much to me because I believe that unless there are fundamental changes to accountability and culture within CMU’s faculty and staff, promises of change are all talk. I’m tired of talking. I am so tired.

RASPBERRY BERET – PRINCE

POV: its summer and you and your friends are jammin’ to this on your way to the nearest thrift store

BLUE SUEDE SHOES – ELVIS PRESLEY

I triple dog dare you to step on his blue suede shoes… see what happens.

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN’

HEAD OVER HEELS - ABBA

From “Dancing Queen” to “Waterloo” and everything in between, ABBA’s just has a way of making you feel good

YOU’RE SO VAIN – CARLY SIMON

I had always thought she was saying “your scarfit was apricot” and I never knew what that was. It’s actually “scarf.

MARY JANE SHOES – FERGIE, RITA MARLEY, I-THREE

Shoes are a powerful thing. Yup, they really take ya places. MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! – SHANIA TWAIN

I hope Frank was proud, because he should have been.

OOGUM BOOGUM SONG – BRENTON WOOD

I can’t un-see Don’t Worry Darling when I hear this song. DIAMONDS ON THE SOLES OF HER SHOES – PAUL SIMON

A classic. A must. Had to do it.

Fun fact: this song features guest vocals from the South African male choral group Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

PURPLE HAT – SOFI TUKKER

A song for when you’re getting ready for the club.

ABOUT DAMN TIME - LIZZO

You already know. Lizzo killin’ it as always. Pretty boss that she plays the flute too not gonna lie.

S.L.U.T. – BEA MILLER

Please consider this song the playlists anthem. Thank you.

KIWI – HARRY STYLES

Hahaha, Styles… get it?! Okay fine, he actually played it live at the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

GOODBYE – WHO IS FANCY?

Don’t change for others honey, you know who you are.

ARC-EN-CIEL - GYÖRGY LIGETI

A gift from Cheryl Pauls, to you.

DRIVING MYSELF HOME – ROSE BETTS

I feel like lots of people have been going on first dates lately, so this one’s for you.

THE DRESS – DIJON

Warning: this song will, in fact, be stuck in your head for at least a week after this.

MATERIAL GIRL - MADONNA

This was probably one of the first five songs that popped into your head when you thought ‘fashion’.

YOU BELONG WITH ME – TAYLOR SWIFT

Taylor’s Version or else.

MADE YOU LOOK – MEGHAN TRAINOR

This song is like the ‘same word, different font’ of About Damn Time. Yunno?

3 OUTFITS – TAI VERDES

You gotta get you someone that will wear your crochet.

BOYFREN - LOVELEO

“Bet you think your boyfriends cool ‘cause he’s got nice clothes, wonder who he saw wearin’ those? Me.”

RED DRESS – SUN ROOM

“Let’s go to the beach beach, Ninki Minjaj.”

THE RIDDLE OF THE MODEL – SING STREET

I dare you to watch the movie.

GOLDEN G STRING – MILEY CYRUS

Not what you’d expect, but when has queen Miley ever been predictable?!

PIN-UP DADDY – RETT MADISON

I put this one last for a reason. On this note, I leave you. Be blessed and slay, cmu.

The Doxascope

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Never Settle for less than what you expected, tell them they forgot your spring rolls.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

It is important to learn from your mistakes so that you can predict the outcome when you eventually do it again.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Next time you’re in an argument ask yourself: do you want to be right or do you want friends?

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Just remember that leaving something until the last minute is not a wise strategy, it is still a strategy nonetheless.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

Remember that thing you did when you thought no one was looking? Well, we saw, and we are still talking about it.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)

Have you ever stopped to wonder how Brian Froese got his luscious locks?

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Next time you find yourself at a crossroads, ask yourself “what would Sue Sorensen do?”

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

What is stopping you from booking room M207 and teaching your own lectures?

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

What if there is a being that only you can see that is always standing behind you?

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Do you ever look at someone and just know that there is not a single thought behind those eyes?

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Next time you are overthinking something, just remember you can’t overthink if you are napping.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)

Embrace the intrusive thoughts, get the cat, buy the coffee, run away and join the circus.

Prof Quotes

“How can you call a four-month-old baby racist?” – John Boopalan

“They don’t let me do brain damage anymore.” – Delmar Epp

“I’m not even opposed to eating horse meat

… Where was I going with this story?” – Dan Epp-Tiessen

“Again, I haven’t said that, you haven’t heard it.” – Sue Sorensen

“It reminds me of the time I ended up in the ER on a camping trip – I missed the wood

and hit my shin [with the axe]. Funny thing though, it made a distinct noise … like a xylophone!” – Paul Dyck

“God is better than the ice cream truck!” –Matt Pauls

“Poor woman, hey? Brittney Spears? Going through a lot of stuff.” – Bill Diehl-Jones

“Last time I was in Amsterdam I got hit by a bicycle.” – Karl Koop

‘til next time...