Why I Can’t Accept the Apology

I found out that a staff member of CMU changed my gender markers on my transcript without my consent or request, and I found out the hard way. I was about to send a digital copy of the transcript to my parents in order to access funds to begin paying off my student loans when I saw that, instead of the usual “Miss” at the top of the page it had been changed to “Mx.”

I saw my life flash before my eyes, saw the future of being outed to my family who, up to this moment, are unaware of my identity as part of a group they hate. I couldn’t handle the thought of this happening now of all times, in this way of all ways. So I lied. I covered up the situation, saying I didn’t know what happened. I’m not a good liar; I don’t know if they believed me. For now, I’m “not out yet.”

CMU Registrar’s Office and the person responsible have apologized to me. But it’s more complicated than that, and I want to explain why. I want this situation to be transparent to all staff, faculty, and students. I want to be able to clearly say what I mean to say.

If it is university policy to not make changes to a person’s gender markers unless specifically requested, what exactly took place to make this person feel like it was okay to break protocol in my case? It was suggested that because I had answered one question of a fillable form with they/them pronouns that this person thought it would be helpful to change it on the transcript, an unrelated document. I don’t take that as a good enough reason.

I believe some large assumptions were made; assumptions that existed subconsciously before this incident even happened:

1. That using they/them pronouns exclusively indicates a person is nonbinary and necessarily will also use other honorifics and markers associated with nonbinary identity – such as Mx.

2. That a person should be or logically must be out in the same way in all areas of their life.

3. That a person does not need to be informed of changes to their gender markers.

In this situation, part of what is so painful to me is that my identity became something that other people handled without me. It was supposedly common knowledge – but it was not known to me. I hate the thought that someone thinks they know more about me than I do – more about what I want, what I need, especially when I have gone through so much to try to find my identity. I wish that everything to do with my gender starts with me. I want to be in control of who I am, just like anybody else. This situation took that away from me.

It discourages me, thinking that there will always be people making assumptions about me, even if they say they want to be helpful. I already know that people assume that I am a woman based on my hair, my clothes, my face. It hurts to know that people are also making assumptions about the type of nonbinary person I should be. Like I should be the type of person who doesn’t mind it when my gender is changed behind my back, or the type of person who is proudly out in all areas of my life.

It’s disheartening to think that some people don’t believe or simply forget that there is any reason for someone to remain closeted currently. Where I come from, coming out or not coming out remains a huge decision with uncomfortable, hurtful, and far-ranging consequences for all areas of our lives. It is a decision that can take years to make, and has cost people their families, their mental wellness, their financial and physical safety. It might be 2023, but it’s not the same 2023 for everybody. I could just as well ask why I should have to explain transphobia to university staff in 2022/23.

I don’t accept the apology because deep down, I don’t think we are looking at the situation the same way. I don’t think the apology addresses what I really want to know.

I want to know why CMU has a staff and faculty culture where it can ever be assumed that consent regarding gender is unnecessary. I believe consent, in all areas but especially identity is essential and should be a given. Why wasn’t it?

In spite of this person’s intention to be helpful or to make things easier for me, it has completely destroyed my trust for CMU as an institution. I don’t trust CMU to hold a truly safe environment for me as a queer person and I worry about others as well. The promises to make changes in the future don’t mean much to me because I believe that unless there are fundamental changes to accountability and culture within CMU’s faculty and staff, promises of change are all talk. I’m tired of talking. I am so tired.

RASPBERRY BERET – PRINCE

POV: its summer and you and your friends are jammin’ to this on your way to the nearest thrift store

BLUE SUEDE SHOES – ELVIS PRESLEY

I triple dog dare you to step on his blue suede shoes… see what happens.

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN’

HEAD OVER HEELS - ABBA

From “Dancing Queen” to “Waterloo” and everything in between, ABBA’s just has a way of making you feel good

YOU’RE SO VAIN – CARLY SIMON

I had always thought she was saying “your scarfit was apricot” and I never knew what that was. It’s actually “scarf.

MARY JANE SHOES – FERGIE, RITA MARLEY, I-THREE

Shoes are a powerful thing. Yup, they really take ya places. MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! – SHANIA TWAIN

I hope Frank was proud, because he should have been.

OOGUM BOOGUM SONG – BRENTON WOOD

I can’t un-see Don’t Worry Darling when I hear this song. DIAMONDS ON THE SOLES OF HER SHOES – PAUL SIMON

A classic. A must. Had to do it.

Fun fact: this song features guest vocals from the South African male choral group Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

PURPLE HAT – SOFI TUKKER

A song for when you’re getting ready for the club.

ABOUT DAMN TIME - LIZZO

You already know. Lizzo killin’ it as always. Pretty boss that she plays the flute too not gonna lie.

S.L.U.T. – BEA MILLER

Please consider this song the playlists anthem. Thank you.

KIWI – HARRY STYLES

Hahaha, Styles… get it?! Okay fine, he actually played it live at the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

GOODBYE – WHO IS FANCY?

Don’t change for others honey, you know who you are.

ARC-EN-CIEL - GYÖRGY LIGETI

A gift from Cheryl Pauls, to you.

DRIVING MYSELF HOME – ROSE BETTS

I feel like lots of people have been going on first dates lately, so this one’s for you.

THE DRESS – DIJON

Warning: this song will, in fact, be stuck in your head for at least a week after this.

MATERIAL GIRL - MADONNA

This was probably one of the first five songs that popped into your head when you thought ‘fashion’.

YOU BELONG WITH ME – TAYLOR SWIFT

Taylor’s Version or else.

MADE YOU LOOK – MEGHAN TRAINOR

This song is like the ‘same word, different font’ of About Damn Time. Yunno?

3 OUTFITS – TAI VERDES

You gotta get you someone that will wear your crochet.

BOYFREN - LOVELEO

“Bet you think your boyfriends cool ‘cause he’s got nice clothes, wonder who he saw wearin’ those? Me.”

RED DRESS – SUN ROOM

“Let’s go to the beach beach, Ninki Minjaj.”

THE RIDDLE OF THE MODEL – SING STREET

I dare you to watch the movie.

GOLDEN G STRING – MILEY CYRUS

Not what you’d expect, but when has queen Miley ever been predictable?!

PIN-UP DADDY – RETT MADISON

I put this one last for a reason. On this note, I leave you. Be blessed and slay, cmu.