The Wrath of DisneyCo

The Wrath of DisneyCo Featuring the Church of Mickey

By Christopher Parisi Abstract: The Wrath of DisneyCo is an original short story about a girl trying to survive in a dystopian future where Disney rules the world alongside the Church of Mickey, in which Mickey Mouse is worshipped as a god (Praise be unto him). It is a satirical piece with themes that include and corporatism and religion.

The year is 2569. Earth Company, formerly known as DinseyCo rules the world and much of the galaxy with an iron fist. It leads humanity with the help of the Church of Mickey, the true origins of whom have faded from a cartoon into a God through centuries of propaganda. Earth Co is led by Chief Goofiness Officer Donald Doofus, for he is the Earthly vessel of Mickey (Praise be unto him).

Chapter One: Mulani, now 25, was always a bright girl. After attending Pluto University, she was able to land herself a corporate job as a programmer at one of DisneyCo’s many branch offices. She was so bright, in fact, that she was able to bypass the military service mandatory to nearly all citizens. She was completely untouched by the world outside of Mickey’s light and had no desire to change that. Despite her father’s wishes, she would not live up to her namesake, Mulan.

These days, nearly all children are named after Disney characters due to the generous discounts it entails for their parents. Of course, generous is a relative term. Earth Company is as conservative with their prices as they are liberal with their firepower, but every DisDollar® saved made all the difference for her family. Mulani’s family, the Nobody’s, wasn’t poor in terms of currency, but they severely lack connections of any kind. Mulani is cursed to not know or be related to anyone remotely important, despite being a talented programmer here in New Mickey City. But it was time for the annual evaluations at work. Mulani had been working her goofin’ ass off the past year, and she was hoping it would pay off.

In her excitement, Mulani only just realized that if she left now, she would arrive at work 2 hours and 12 minutes early. Earth Company policy only mandated that workers be 2 hours early. As much as she would relish being early, she decided to instead fortify her spirit with a brief prayer. She walked to the corner of her house which encased a shrine to the Lord Mickey.

She bowed respectfully and kneeled dutifully before the mouse-shaped effigy. She made the sign of the holy trinity by placing her middle finger first over her heart, for Mickey loves us, then on her forehead, for Mickey guides us, and then over her wallet, the most important of all. She then recited Mickey’s prayer, which has been ingrained in her mind from childhood.

Our Mickey, who art in Disney World.

Enchanted be thy mouse ears.

Thy Magic Kingdom come.

Thy wrath be done in Earth, as it is in the Clubhouse.

Give us this day our daily paycheck.

And forgive not the non-believer, but instead shoot them with a really big gun.

And lead us not into laziness, sick days, and vacation, but deliver us hard work.

Praise Mickey.

She walked into the termination evaluation room and sat down in the large chair, which much resembled the living chair in fifth remake of The Beauty and The Beast. Sensing movement nearby, the chair greeted her with a digital smile. Mulani grinned, knowing the code she helped program was operating perfectly. The chair was marketed as The BB5 ‘Living’ Recliner with Ass Detecting Dual Deluxe Butt Warmers, Ass-Master vibration powered by an 8 Cylinder Engine, Smart-Tech Integration, Jumbo Cup Holder and ‘Real Life’ Emotions. Earth Company made thousands of these animatronic chairs, thinking people would love to have a living piece of their childhood in their own homes. They were wrong, the BB5 flopped. It turns out people don’t want goofin’ butt warmers and smart chairs. Everyone was content with the wooden chairs they already had. When asked about the BB5 chair in a press conference, C.G.O. Donald had said “Every Earth Co product sells hugely. You have no idea how well we sell. Billions and billions. We sell the best. We are the best. I am the best. Praise Mickey” And so, the BB5 was quietly swept under the rug, along with the plan to infect every house with termites to force people to buy new chairs. Desperate to find use for the failed product, every Earth Co office building found themselves with a few of the flopped seats.

Although confident, it just occurred to Mulani that she may be punished because the chairs hadn’t sold. But that wasn’t her fault, she did her job perfectly. Now nervous, Mulani sat down across from her supervisor. She was made even more nervous by the fact that this was the first time she had ever seen her supervisor in person. The supervisors preferred to interact with their subordinates through drones that let them keep tabs on hundreds of workers at once.

Even discipline was handled remotely. Every few hours when someone did something wrong, the paintball turret on the ceiling would let out a loud “POP!” followed by words of shame in a re-created voice of the Lord Mickey himself. Those words ranged from a mild “You’re going to have to work harder to be in Mickey’s Clubhouse.” to the most severe “Mickey is disappointed in you.” The paintball impact was not only painful, but served as a mark of shame on the afflicted.

For the remainder of the week, the victim was to be shunned by all other Earth Company workers, and everyone worked for Earth Company. They were also barred from participating in group activities, such as the hourly prayers to Mickey, though they were expected to pray on their own. At one point, the afflicted’s spouse was expected to act as though they were not married. Though this last rule was revoked when several married workers got themselves paintballed on purpose, claiming they “Wanted to get that bitch off my back for a week.” Mulani hadn’t been punished all year, so she was confident. Supervisor Grothel was staring at her data pad, and never made eye contact with Mulani.

“Mulani Nobody. Fired,” Grothel stated with disinterest.

“But I got 5/5 Mickey Mouse Ears on all my Clubhouse evaluations!” Mulani gasped, nearly forgetting to add “Praise Mickey” as she had said the Lord’s name aloud.

“That doesn’t matter. You failed to join us for prayer last week,” Grothel snorted, finally looking at Mulani.

“But I was goofin sick! People miss group prayer here and there all the time. I make up for it in my off hours!” Mulani retorted.

“Unfortunately for you, the Assistant to the Semi Regional Chief Coding Advisor, our boss, was there that day,” Grothel explained.

“So he was upset I missed one session of prayer?” Mulani questioned. Supervisor Grothel groaned, and continued explaining.

“He is the 2nd cousin once removed of the local Deacon of the Church of Mickey. Praise be unto him,” Grothel begrudgingly clarified. “If the deacon knew that his 2 nd cousin had an employee that wasn’t faithful, he would be finished. For damage control, you are terminated with a cause of infidelity to the church. Your belongings are already at the curb,” Mulani let it sink in. Everything she worked for was goofin’ gone. The only way she could ever work a legitimate job again and remove this tarnish from her record, was to serve with the Earth Company military and fight for the glory of Donald and Mickey. Mulani revulsed at the idea. She was a coder, not a fighter for Mickey’s sake!

Chapter Two: Now unemployed, Mulani knew she would not be welcome at her parents’ house, and since it was only noon, she decided to walk directly to the recruiting station with a surprising spring in her step, for someone who just got fired and shamed. Unfortunately, she would have to pass nearby the “Blaf” neighborhood, though she knew it was better described as a ghetto.

The “Blafs” or “Blasphemers” were those who rejected Mickey. To make matters worse, the far side of the street was undergoing maintenance, so she would have to walk right along the 200 micker long Blaf perimeter fence, and take the very real risk of becoming unclean if one of those unholy abominations touched her. She could take the long way around, but that would add an extra hour to the trip, and timeliness is Mickeyness. She saw the inward facing barbed wire and covered her ears to insulate herself against the inevitable cat calls she would get from the heathens behind the fence. Now sweating, she began to speed walk past the barbed wire fence.

Almost immediately, a skinny man grinned as he saw her and shouted “Hey there, have you ever heard of a free market economy? Earth Company used to thrive on it once upon a time” “Mickey protect me” Mulani murmured. Another underweight, significantly paler man pressed up against the fence and screamed “workers who unionize have power of their employers.” After that, A bald man called out.

“You can find happiness without material goods.”

“No! Lies!” Mulani cried. But the beratement continued as a thin woman reached out of the fence with a bony hand and unkempt nails. Mulani dodged the grab by removing her hand from her ear as the woman was saying “Life with full equality and workers’ rights is communi-” The woman was cut off as Mulani, recognizing one of the most unholy swears, screeched incoherently attempting to drown out the sound as she sprinted ahead. Winded, Mulani took in a breath, and another dirty Blaf, this time, a young man about her age, took the opportunity to say “Mickey isn’t real.” At this, Mulani snapped. She skidded to a stop from a full sprint, wound up her right arm, and punched the filthy Blaf square in the jaw. The blaf fell to his knees, clutching his bleeding mouth. Mulani recoiled, both from the pain in her knuckles, and the realization at what she had just done. Near the end of the fence, she sprinted for the corner, and once she got there, she clutched her right wrist. She wanted to grab her hand, but she knew her hand was now contaminated and didn’t want the taint to spread to her other hand.

She was so ashamed. She let her anger and zealotry get the better of her. Of course, that gutter rat deserved a punch in the jaw, but by touching one, she had contaminated her hand, and herself by extension.

“Don’t panic,” She reassured herself. “I just have to get to a Company Hospital and get this amputated. I should have enough saved up that I’ll only be in debt for 6 years afterwards.”

But then she realized that being one handed would disqualify her from service in his Goofiness’ army. “Unless…” she whispered, and looked behind her, toward the blaf district and saw no road workers doing maintenance, and then above and saw no drones overhead. She concluded the only witnesses were the Blafs, and no one will listen to them. “But Mickey is always watching,” she countered. “But I want to serve Mickey, and I can’t do that with one hand, or that goofin tarnish on my record,” She again argued to herself.

She made her decision, dusted herself off with her left hand, and began walking towards a nearby coffee shop in search of a washroom, her right-hand swaying just a little farther from her body than usual. Just above the door of the coffee shop was the name: Earth Co Coffee, along with a picture of an animated Donald Duck enjoying a hot cup of coffee. Entering the coffee shop, she knew only customers could use the bathroom, so she grabbed a synthetic banana from the shelf beneath the main serving counter with her left hand. She looked into the camera and knew the funds were already deducted from her account as the facial recognition software did its job. She was three mickers away from the sweet relief of the washroom when a man she recognized from work stood up from a nearby table. “Mulani? How’s it going?” Buzz asked, extending his right hand in greeting. Mulani started sweating. She couldn’t shake his hand, not while she’s contaminated. Buzz was a good man, a company man with a future ahead of him. But what was she going to do? Not shake any hands for the rest of her life? That’s ridiculous. She settled on washing her hand first. But how would she get out of this interaction without raising suspicion? She worked with computers, not people.

“Goof it,” she whispered.

“Excuse me?” Buzz inquired with a raised eyebrow. Mulani froze, only now realizing she said that last part out loud. Is that all she said out loud? How much does he know? Mulani

collected herself, realizing at least 10 seconds have gone by, which is well past the threshold of socially acceptable delays.

“Uh…I shouldn’t shake… I’m sick… Achoo…” Mulani improvised with a very unconvincing fake sneeze.

“Right,” Buzz cautiously agreed, stowing his hand in his pocket. “Feel better,” he added halfheartedly, actually under the impression that she just hated him. Mulani dashed passed him into the bathroom. Hesitant to wash her right hand with her left, she just placed her right hand under the soap dispenser and the faucet repeatedly. The soap dispenser was of course counting her every use so she could be billed as she left the washroom. Eventually she decided if she was going to commit treason, she shouldn’t half ass it, and began to thoroughly wash both of her hands together. She left the bathroom and the coffee shop, mindful of the hefty soap bill she just racked up and continued her way to the recruiting station.

She finally made her way there, and noticed around the recruiting station was a decently sized training area, and took note that the fence on the barbed wire was facing inwards, as if to keep people in. She walked inside and it was glorious, everything she thought it would be. There were motivational posters on the wall, saying things like “Mickey wants you!” There was also a solid gold two micker tall idol of Mickey in the middle of the room. It looked brand new. She walked up to the desk. It had a nametag labelled Hercules. It was occupied by a man with his feet kicked up onto the table and appeared to be snoring. She stood at attention and proudly said “I want to join his Goofiness’ Army, sir.” Hercules, startled, woke up.

“Alright,” Hercules droned, still waking up “All you have to do is recite your Oath of Allegiance and you’re in.” Mulani thought it was strange that she didn’t need a doctor’s exam, resume, or work history. Surely they already have that info on file and could have pulled it up when the cameras saw her walk in. But this guy was sleeping, so how did he know? She put that aside for a moment and began reciting her Oath.

I pledge Allegiance to the DisDollar of the Corporate Entity Earth Company and to the Board of Directors for which it stands, one corporation under Mickey, insufferable, with paychecks and justice for most.

“Congratulations private,” Hercules deadpanned, pulling a helmet and set of fatigues from under his desk. Mulani noticed the mickey ears on her helmet were just little nubs compared to the recruiting sergeant, though the mouse ear camo patterns matched his identically. “A transport will arrive to take you directly to the front lines in 30 minutes. Due to budget cuts, you will not be trained.” Mulani spared a glance at the new gold statue and began to question her decisions when she saw the front door slam closed as Hercules pressed a button on his desk.

Chapter Three:

Mulani’s first few weeks in the Disney Company Army were interesting at the least and enlightening at the most. She was deployed to the nation state Whateveristan. Mulani and the other new recruits had no idea there were places that weren’t owned by Earth Company.

Equally shocking, this entire group of people were completely unaware of the light of his Lordship Mickey. An entire nation of blafs. Only then did Mulani understand why she was needed there.

She was polishing her shoe polish bottle before bed one evening when Earth Company’s most elite power armored shock troops walked by. She recognized them from the propaganda posters back home. This was Mickey’s Trinity. The squad leader, Captain Bloodstain Mattias stood three mickers tall in his power armor and bore massive Mickey Mouse ears on his helmet.

His entire armor embodied the Lord Mickey, including black carapace, yellow boots, red pants with two white buttons, white gauntlets, and a thin wispy tail that doubled as a flexible camera optic. His visor was up, so she could see his war grizzled face. He was covered in scars and plasma burns. He looked just like the poster of him she had in her bedroom, plus a little grey in his hair and a few more scars. He had a burn in the shape of Mickey Mouse ears on his left upper cheek. The legends say when he was surrounded and outgunned, he branded himself in an act of faith, and by the grace of the Lord Mickey, he survived. Mulani, pulling herself out of her girlish wonder at her heroes decided she had to meet them. She stumbled getting up.

Mattias noticed, but tried to ignore what would surely be another bootlicker. Unfortunately for him, she was groveling before him before he could speed out of the room. “It’s an honor to meet you, sir,” Mulani declared to her idol.

“Lookth like you’ve got another fan Cap,” a raspy voice came from a radio receiver of another power armored figure to Mattias’ left. This man was kitted out to look exactly like the prophet Donald Duck, complete with a radio built into an orange beak covering the man’s mouth that distorted his voice.

“Yeah, real pleasure,” dismissed Mattias with a voice as deep and grizzled as he looked.

He began to clunkily step aside the comparatively small girl. Mulani, starstruck, did not intervene. The third and final member of the elite squad, this one’s power armor mimicking the prophet Goofy chimed in on their way out. “Good luck kid, a-hyuk.” And Mickey’s Trinity left, surely to accomplish godlike deeds.

Mulani awoke the next morning to the sound of loud claxons and blaring red lights.

Boots stomped on the ground as hurried soldiers rushed past her bunk room. She learned to sleep in her uniform and boots, so she grabbed her rucksack from under her bed and fell in line with her comrades to find they were all being led to the heli-jet platform. She boarded one of the many vessels along with the rest of her squad, the engines deafened them all. Mulani managed to fasten her seatbelt just before the aircraft rapidly rose. They did not check to make sure everyone is strapped in. The ascent was rough, the soldiers inside all shook violently for five minutes, and it suddenly became gentle, and they floated in their seats. They had entered outer space. Mulani enjoyed her floating state with the other soldiers for several hours, batting a helmet around like a balloon.