Children Should Be Called Larvae: A Convincing Argument

Children Should Be Called Larvae: A Convincing Argument

By Christopher Parisi, Exobiologist studying ‘intelligent’ life on planet Earth Human children should be referred to as larvae because they share many characteristics of larvae from other insectoid species. they are loud, helpless, sticky, gross, mean, and manipulative drug addicts.

Their helplessness is only matched by their loudness.

Children spend the first several years of their lives completely helpless. They are entirely dependent on their up bringers for food, protection, and entertainment. The poor caregivers must dote on the creature’s every desire or suffer its fearsome shriek. Some legends say this shriek has the ability to break glass windows and marriages alike.

The larvae does not have the capacity nor the decency to tell adults the reason why it’s shrieking. The adults must guess what the Hell is the matter with it.

Initially, the human larvae is so helpless it is unable to even burp on its own, and must be smacked to encourage gaseous waste.

Compare the human larvae to a baby shark. The baby shark emerges from the womb already a hunter, having killed all of its siblings in the womb, and is fully capable of surviving on its own. The average newborn human larvae has not even begun to plot the death of its enemies. Truly a disappointment. At this stage, the human larvae is indeed incapable of even locomotion, requiring its parental units to lug it around everywhere.

After several years of being carried around, the larval form is capable of wobbly locomotion and equally wobbly speech. The humans refer to this form of larvae as “toddlers”. In this phase, a new problem emerges; their hands become sticky. There are only theories on exactly

how they become sticky, as scientists are fairly certain they do not produce the stickiness on their own. The last research team sent to find out did not return. The search & rescue team discovered only their notes as they were surely devoured by the beasts. The notes pointed out the larvae’s unnatural affinity for a drug they refer to as “Kandy”. It is a drug because it seems to not only have very poor nutritional value, but also causes a high, and is incredibly addictive.

This Kandy is believed to attract the larvae, and adults who exhibit larvae like behavior because it is very sweet due to its richness in the compound known as “Shooger”. It is believed that early in human evolutionary history, shooger was very rare, and the larvae of today are stupid and can’t tell they live in a post scarcity society. Another reason one would think kandy should be avoided is it causes psychotic rage when consumed in large amounts. The adult humans refer to this high almost affectionately as a “Shooger Rush”. This psychotic rage increases the larvae’s already high metabolic rate, and it will run around destroying objects. This high is often short lived and ends in a sudden crash. A common misconception is that adult humans do not crave shooger. They are just better at hiding it. Most of them, at least.

In addition to being sticky from shooger, this stage of larvae has no shortage of bodily fluids smeared all over to them, adding to their grossness. At this stage, they put their sticky gross hands on everyone and everything. These larvae have no sense of boundaries and will happily smear their sticky fluids all over everyone. Despite having opposable thumbs fully capable of tool use, they prefer to clean their faces by smearing their hands on it, adding to the grossness of their hands.

Additionally, while in this stage of development, human “toddler” level larvae display a contradictory amount of stupidity. They are able to

form words and sentences, indicating higher reasoning, but their decision-making is nearly suicidal. Once, a larvae was observed playing inside of a cooking receptacle. Once its parent discovered this and removed the larvae, it executed a prolonged screech because it “wanted to be a chicken.” Astoundingly, the parent did not seem the least bit surprised with its larvae’s lack of judgement, just tired. It is quite frankly a scientific marvel that this species has not died off and puts to rest the inquiry as to why humans with larvae have the highest recorded stress levels among all Earth mammals.

Unlike most other Earth mammals, in the later stages of larvaedom, human children become very mean to their own kind. They exchange verbal insults on a regular basis. These insults aren’t particularly clever, but they are brutally, cruelly honest. A child will have no qualms with going up to a complete stranger and saying they look ugly. Unlike most adults, larvae have no filter. They will not hesitate to speak their mind, much to the detriment of their parental units.

They have no problem speaking, but can’t stand working. A case could even be made that human children are not even worthy of the title larvae. Many insectoid larvae add to their colonies in some way.

Earth bee larvae, for example, produce a sweet food item when fed pollen. When human larvae are fed pollen, they produce only tears.

Human larvae are quite simply leeches for nearly twenty Earth revolutions. In fact, 200 Earth years ago, semi-mature larvae were permitted to work in factories and farms. However, the humans seem to have been tricked by the larvae into taking a step backwards, enacting laws preventing larvae from being productive members of society.

This leads to my final point; human larvae are manipulative.

Human larvae are capable of convincing adult humans of behavior they would otherwise avoid. It is believed this is accomplished through

pheromones. When a larvae desires something, such as kandy, they will release the pheromones onto the adults, who attempt to resist it. It is uncertain why the pheromones are only sometimes successful, but it is speculated that the larvae accompany the pheromones with facial cues the humans refer to as ‘cuteness’. They emphasis their large, circular eyes to bend adults to their will. This is a powerful phenomenon, as human larvae can even use this to convince adults to adopt the young of other species, usually other creatures with the cuteness trait. For this reason, cuteness is believed to be part of a greater hive mind connected all Earth larvae.

Moreover, once per year in autumn, the usually disjointed human larvae use their collective cuteness to force adults to give kandy away for free at their doorsteps. This particular day in autumn also showcases the larvae’s stupidity. They scare adults into giving them candy by dressing up in costumes. They also attempt to wear masks to hide how much kandy they consume, but the parental units always seem to keep track of their individual larvae.

Some scholars would argue that in order to be considered larvae, the organism must pupate before reaching their adult form. Although not outwardly apparent, this is quite true of humans, taking place in what they call their “teenage” years. Although they do not form a physical cocoon, they absolutely form an emotional cocoon, often barring others from their feelings. Additionally, they form bubbles on their faces during this stage, and there is a ritual around their destruction. At the teenage stage, the humans begin exhibiting dimorphism, half of the population look, sound, and act differently than the other. They rarely seem to understand eachother. Most foreign, one of these halves begin bleeding regularly. This was initially thought to be some fatal disease, but when our undercover operative asked a human who did not bleed, they seemed completely clueless, almost as if they

were unaware of the phenomenon, or didn’t really understand it. The human pupation process seems to be just as confusing for them as it is for us.

Human children should be referred to as larvae because they share many traits with the larval form of many insectoid lifeforms.

Human children are loud and helpless, screeching for their every desire.

Additionally, they are sticky and gross, as they are always covered in bodily fluids. Also, they are stupid and mean, using limited intellectual functioning to hurt others. Children are leeches on human society, taking from others, namely, the poor souls who birth them. Lastly, they are manipulative, using pheromones to deceive adult humans.