Dear GEAR: First thought: If gay men col- lapsed into puddles every time someone assumed we were straight, GEAR, we’d have to be reclassified as a liquid. Dear Dan: I’m a straight man who Second thought: As a enjoys the erotic “mummification” gay man, I’m sometimes annoyed when experience. My wife finds the process people assume I’m straight. But it’s not of wrapping me in cling film and duct an unreasonable assumption, since most tape extremely tedious, as it takes people are straight. It’s also rarely a mali- more than an hour and she doesn’t cious assumption. Similarly, GEAR, since derive pleasure from it. So we decid- all of the men who’ve commissioned this ed to invest in a sleep Etsy artisan to make them sack, which will shorten ROMAN ROBINSON sleep sacks in the past the process consider- have been gay, the ably. I found a leather assumption he made about artisan on Etsy who you wasn’t unreasonable. makes them to order. And it’s hard to see malice During a video chat in it. The offense you’ve about sizing, the artisan taken, on the other hand, made a reference to the strikes me as both unrea- “lucky man” who would sonable and malicious;; it’s be putting me in my unreasonable in that you sleep sack. I informed would come crying to a him I am straight. He queer person about some- apologized, saying that thing like this, and it’s mali- in his experience, it is mostly gay men cious in that your reaction is so obviously who invest in this type of gear. I was rooted in homophobia (so what if some nevertheless offended by his assump- dude thought you might be gay?) and yet tion. Your thoughts? you came crying to a gay man about it. —Got Extremely Affronted Recently Final thought: Whereas a straight
BY DAN SAVAGE
BOULDER COUNTY’S INDEPENDENT VOICE
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person who’s assumed to be gay can correct the record without fear, a gay per- son who’s assumed to be straight has to do a risk assessment first: Is this person going to freak out or get violent? Having to do those sorts of risk assessments all your life — starting in childhood with your own family — can take an emotional toll. So instead of being angry or offended by this experience, GEAR, you should be grateful that you can say, “Actually, I’m straight,” without having to worry about being punched in your stupid face or kicked out of your parents’ house. Dear Dan: Honest question: If you, being a homosexual, don’t die from HIV, will you have to wear a diaper before the age of 42? Optional question: What does a prolapsed rectum look like? I bet you can describe it without doing an image search. —Sickening Homosexuals Are Malignant Errors Dear SHAME: Honest answers: I know you meant this to be hate mail, SHAME, but I’m just thrilled someone out there thinks I’m not 42 yet. Also, I’m HIV-negative — last time I checked — but even if I were to seroconvert (go from HIV-negative to HIV-positive), a person with HIV who has access to
MARCH 5, 2020
meds can expect to live as long as a person without HIV. Also, a person with HIV who is on meds and has a zero viral load (no trace of the virus can be detect- ed in their blood) cannot infect another person. So even if I were to contract HIV after all these years, SHAME, I would likely live long enough to die of some- thing else, and, once I got on meds, I couldn’t pass HIV on to anyone else. And quickly: I’m way past 42 and not in a diaper yet, thank you very much. And while some people think a prolapsed rectum looks like a rosebud, I happen to think a prolapsed rectum looks like a ball of lean hamburger. And the first one I ever saw — and, no, I didn’t need to do an image search because it makes a real impression — was in straight porn, not gay porn. P.S. If you can’t think about gay men without thinking about our poops and the diapers you hope we’re wearing and our meaty prolapsed rectums, SHAME, that says a lot more about you than it does about gay people. On the Lovecast, get serious with comedian Cameron Esposito: savagel- ovecast.com. Send emails to mail@savagelove.net, follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage and visit ITMFA.org.
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