Savage Love: Full throated

Dear Dan: I’m$a$straight$man$who$ enjoys$the$erotic$“mummification”$ experience.$My$wife$finds$the$process$ of$wrapping$me$in$cling$film$and$duct$ tape$extremely$tedious,$as$it$takes$ more$than$an$hour$and$she$doesn’t$ derive$pleasure$from$it.$So$we$decidA ed$to$invest$in$a$sleep$ sack,$which$will$shorten$ the$process$considerA ably.$I$found$a$leather$ artisan$on$Etsy$who$ makes$them$to$order.$ During$a$video$chat$ about$sizing,$the$artisan$ made$a$reference$to$the$ “lucky$man”$who$would$ be$putting$me$in$my$ sleep$sack.$I$informed$ him$I$am$straight.$He$ apologized,$saying$that$ in$his$experience,$it$is$mostly$gay$men$ who$invest$in$this$type$of$gear.$I$was$ nevertheless$offended$by$his$assumpA tion.$Your$thoughts?

—Got%Extremely%Affronted%Recently Dear GEAR:%First% thought:%If%gay%men%col< lapsed%into%puddles%every% time%someone%assumed%we% were%straight,%GEAR,%we’d% have%to%be%reclassified%as%a% liquid.

Second%thought:%As%a% gay%man,%I’m%sometimes%annoyed%when% people%assume%I’m%straight.%But%it’s%not% an%unreasonable%assumption,%since%most% people%are%straight.%It’s%also%rarely%a%mali< cious%assumption.%Similarly,%GEAR,%since% all%of%the%men%who’ve%commissioned%this% Etsy%artisan%to%make%them% sleep%sacks%in%the%past% have%been%gay,%the% assumption%he%made%about% you%wasn’t%unreasonable.% And%it’s%hard%to%see%malice% in%it.%The%offense%you’ve% taken,%on%the%other%hand,% strikes%me%as%both%unrea< sonable%and%maliciousI%it’s% unreasonable%in%that%you% would%come%crying%to%a% queer%person%about%some< thing%like%this,%and%it’s%mali< cious%in%that%your%reaction%is%so%obviously% rooted%in%homophobia%(so%what%if%some% dude%thought%you%might%be%gay?)%and%yet% you%came%crying%to%a%gay%man%about%it. Final%thought:%Whereas%a%straight% BY DAN SAVAGE

ROMAN&ROBINSON

person%who’s%assumed%to%be%gay%can% correct%the%record%without%fear,%a%gay%per< son%who’s%assumed%to%be%straight%has%to% do%a%risk%assessment%first:%Is%this%person% going%to%freak%out%or%get%violent?%Having% to%do%those%sorts%of%risk%assessments%all% your%life%—%starting%in%childhood%with%your% own%family%—%can%take%an%emotional%toll.% So%instead%of%being%angry%or%offended%by% this%experience,%GEAR,%you%should%be% grateful%that%you%can%say,%“Actually,%I’m% straight,”%without%having%to%worry%about% being%punched%in%your%stupid%face%or% kicked%out%of%your%parents’%house.

Dear Dan: Honest$question:$If$you,$ being$a$homosexual,$don’t$die$from$HIV,$ will$you$have$to$wear$a$diaper$before$the$ age$of$42?$Optional$question:$What$does$ a$prolapsed$rectum$look$like?$I$bet$you$ can$describe$it$without$doing$an$image$ search.

—Sickening%Homosexuals%Are% Malignant%Errors

Dear SHAME:%Honest%answers:%I% know%you%meant%this%to%be%hate%mail,% SHAME,%but%I’m%just%thrilled%someone% out%there%thinks%I’m%not%42%yet.%Also,% I’m%HIV<negative%—%last%time%I%checked% —%but%even%if%I%were%to%seroconvert%(go% from%HIV<negative%to%HIV<positive),%a% person%with%HIV%who%has%access%to% meds%can%expect%to%live%as%long%as%a% person%without%HIV.%Also,%a%person%with% HIV%who%is%on%meds%and%has%a%zero%viral% load%(no%trace%of%the%virus%can%be%detect< ed%in%their%blood)%cannot%infect%another% person.%So%even%if%I%were%to%contract%HIV% after%all%these%years,%SHAME,%I%would% likely%live%long%enough%to%die%of%some< thing%else,%and,%once%I%got%on%meds,%I% couldn’t%pass%HIV%on%to%anyone%else.% And%quickly:%I’m%way%past%42%and%not%in% a%diaper%yet,%thank%you%very%much.%And% while%some%people%think%a%prolapsed% rectum%looks%like%a%rosebud,%I%happen%to% think%a%prolapsed%rectum%looks%like%a% ball%of%lean%hamburger.%And%the%first%one% I%ever%saw%—%and,%no,%I%didn’t%need%to% do%an%image%search%because%it%makes%a% real%impression%—%was%in%straight%porn,% not%gay%porn.

P.S.%If%you%can’t%think%about%gay%men% without%thinking%about%our%poops%and%the% diapers%you%hope%we’re%wearing%and%our% meaty%prolapsed%rectums,%SHAME,%that% says%a%lot%more%about%you%than%it%does% about%gay%people.

On$the$Lovecast,$get$serious$with$ comedian$Cameron$Esposito:$savagelA ovecast.com.

Send$emails$to$mail@savagelove.net,$ follow$Dan$on$Twitter$@FakeDanSavage$ and$visit$ITMFA.org.