I L L U S I O N S
Aqua Shadows
12-26-20
Anxiously thinking Manifesting and dreaming Finding the art Of these thoughts as they creep in
Of a similar mind Living life by design Yet in comparisons view Much further than I
Traveling the same path Moving slower trying to pass But how I’ve stumbled would you laugh Or would you take my hand to grasp
A million dollar mind Playing catch up with time Are you here for the rise Or in your shadow would I lie?
Just a dream
2-6-21
I’ve been visiting somewhere
Where I dream with my eyes open It’s a magical place I see all my heart has spoken My mind creates this place Time doesn’t exist nor does space As if from all my fears It’s my only escape
I can’t bring to life this place It’s too sacredly made I don’t want to ruin I don’t want it to fade In my imagination I can’t be hurt I can only be and things flow like the seas
Within this dream
I met a friend I can keep They make me laugh and smile And wipe me off my feet
Gentle and sweet Like our favorite ice cream And so that’s what we eat Before we walk with the trees
I run wild and free There are no futures in dreams Only everything is as it seems Unlike reality it can’t hurt me
One day my friend will vanish
May or may not say goodbye But I won’t have to cry Knowing it was all in my mind
And so I’ll create another one maybe they’ll visit again Or maybe I’ll stop dreaming once it’s been too many friends
Anx
4-2-21
Crippling anxiety
Replaying past varieties
That talked about a life with me That I let love but loved to leave
It inconveniently talks to me Asks if you have second thoughts of me Like is this just another breeze When I see us so I plan for we
Like is it true, could it be possibly But once upon a time I was naive to think How all the stars aligned supposedly But different directions they would see
Dear anxiety, look what you’ve done to me Reminding me the costs of my vulnerability No sleep, playing hide & seek with my peace Both afraid to love and afraid to let it be
The scars on my heart can’t be yours to keep Prayer, presence prelude the benefits to reap Like when my heart rests with one beside me When I’m fully seen and I can finally breathe
Forever 21
4-4-21
Womanly enough
Who would’ve thought it’d be tough To share the energy Of such an available touch
Violated though didn’t speak up Recent rejection a little rough Frustrated when my own hands Stopped pleasing me enough
More than 365 The body’s cries intensify Trying to remember the feel Rewind, ‘19 was the last time
Another year has just begun Growing a new trust and love And long over due vibrations To feel forever 21
Because I heard your heart beat I know the chords we would play And if I let my soul speak You’d swim sound waves I’d create
If I never loved again I wonder the patience I could take Perhaps it’ll soon be you to choose How many barriers you want to break
Butterflies
4-23-21
Empty lane you took up space Creating lives one in the same Mirror mirror beyond the fame I see myself that overcame
Purity shines through the soul of your eyes The windows of your existence Breathing together with mine
No room for worry I’ve worn out my fright Knowing it’ll be you To hold me at night
When my physical dies I’ll send butterflies I’d speak to you gently You’d hear with your mind
Tonight I close my eyes Calling heavy upon the skies Asking after your purpose completes If they would grant me some more time
I’m not sure where I am In your unknown timeline But you came just in time To be my forever my sunshine
Floating: May Waters
5-4-21 Simple could we make it Or promise would we flake it A long journey it’s been Tiredness starts to awaken
When I feel it coming Things which I’d been running Because I swore never again To let hope lead to nothing
Last time I cried to the sky Asking the same why I’d proved myself enough So I thought, hadn’t I? Found by a bit of luck Just as I’d given up Both good and true That I let myself trust So I won’t have to think twice When reality catches up to dreaming Of the things worth keeping That give me something to believe in
Bracing for the waves
The anxious voice got to screaming As one inconsistent thought Lead the way to the deep end Where I always found myself Constantly sinking Between imagination, intuition, and just wishful thinking
Like will it be one September to remember Or will the cold come early like ‘19 November
Constellations
5-9-21
I want to go away with you Travel up and see the stars Explore the peaks of mountains That haven’t been traveled far
I want to flow with our waters The waves that carry us to sleep Bring me up to gasp for air Before taking us to the deep
Our charge is electric Every time we meet The plug meets the outlet God conscious energy
Your eyes they tell it all Of love we started to fall Let us feel each other’s souls
I bet they’ll feel it through the walls
The Occupant
5-10-21
Occupying my mind Keeping busy to pass time Then the truth starts to unwind This is something hard to find
Like somehow you let me in I got to look deep within Like side by side I should reside Otherwise it won’t feel right
The space still a little loud Staying quiet when I’m proud The punishment kicked me out A relatable world I had found
Though we’ve release the guilt This temporarily has revealed How parts of me will search for you Craving the home that was built
Lead the Way
5-10-21
A purposeful discovery Was the beautiful part Like looking in the mirror At such beautiful art How I knew who you were And why you were were sent In the middle of conversation I suddenly felt it
And they never let me down
Angels talk with no sound The cards told no lies It unfolded on time My favorite thing is your smile The eyes that gazed for a while And maybe your voice That has such a soothing sound 2
The number of years birthed apart The amount of years ago I went just as hard Forward the same number A connection would start Showing me my potential While hearing my heart Like the ambition I had Was never enough If the fulfillment I sought Always came tough Like nothing was worth more Than experience and love
Like If on my deathbed I had reached those milestones I never really had a place To truly call home There would’ve been no family I’d ever call my own Relying on self motivation While being different and alone Money would’ve been spent Paying for resentment For what I couldn’t buy back In abundance you’d replenish it And my eyes water now But I feel so at peace Knowing everything was in order To lead you to me
5-14-21
One of them birthed me
Disappeared after I slept
One of them raised me
And silenced me when I felt A few of them loved me
All of them left And no it wasn’t my fault I took my pieces back that they kept So I started again Very picky with friends Some hardly check in Imagine for a moment People always reveal Your limited importance Are you still here Do you too ignore this Do you hear me
Or do I have to record it We have these followings
Who make us feel heard But when our loved ones speak Do we even hear a word
Words
Eternal Rest
5-23-21
Missing you is a tortured feeling
I don’t want to feel again Rewinding back my awe
The day you reached for my hand
You became a piece of me Took me to see the sand
We slept long in bed And I think of what you said “I have to make you laugh” Before we go to rest Uneasy on both our ends A chaotic life it’s been Then we found each other And could finally rest our heads
4th Quarter
7/5/21
I spoke to Déjà vu
She keeps record of situations
Opportunities asked for That should’ve instead just been taken I remember a cold mist No calls to replace a good night kiss Distant though too near So I fear once you’re amidst Despite direction they didn’t drive Do you read between the lines How I try with these rhymes I’ve traveled through wasted time How many ways Can someone say they’re afraid It won’t be that way; say That which I pray weren’t in vain That somehow I’ll have my way Planted seeds won’t depreciate That I hadn’t made a mistake There’s just sacrifices to make Your cheerleader
But will we go home after the game Does my mind fight you Or struggle adjusting the frame of fame A well known name
The stadium parades After my halftime performance Will you play for me the same And remember my birthday Little things to make my day Take me to to a quiet place Plans you’d initiate Or would you be too busy My head starts to get dizzy
To be continued
7-25-21
Opposite and alike
I; your mind
You; my social life
Something worth living For which I would die
Air signs
Heir family line A holy trilogy
Growing In disguise A rare find together Gods great design
Like you had to find me Like we complete a prophecy
To be told in time One of a kind
8 Dates
7-26-21
1
It was 11/21
I got to know you Only the basic stuff Not much too soon
2 12/16
I was a quick scene Out the city for a while I would be Read me on a cold day over a cold treat As I read you silently
12/27
I said it’d be a while But couldn’t stay away So dance with me Before it rains
3 Happy new year to me 30th January Let’s be kids all day Before I turn 23
4
12th of February
Quick bite before getting ready A birthday coming steady So I return the favors you gave me
5
Sunny March skies Relaxing on the beach
You said you loved me With your eyes In my lap awake from sleep
6
What a bliss 3/21 ends with a kiss Find me once you find this But your favorite thing you would miss
7 3/27 A nice brunch I’m in heaven Scent on your clothes I relish in The brightest day we bask in it
8 June came after the rain How I longed to see your face And undo all the pain Surviving the hurricane
9 & 10
I don’t know when I just know it won’t end We aren’t like them We can give in No need to keep count again
Forever Begins Again
7-31-21
How I wish I didn’t stare at the sky Wondering where you are sometimes If my cries ever cross your mind Like if another you might find Because how it happened In a past life Can I put it past this time Or would I be out my mind And though I replay all that’s been said I can’t help the thoughts coming in my head All the nights spent alone in bed Needing my love’s attention instead
Patiently waiting hence Holding my body hostage then Years went by with needs unmet How I’ve felt imprisoned since Yes I did it to myself But tell me what’s a worser hell Sharing with temporaries Or staying to yourself
Present day I’m struggling Didn’t want to choose Now you’re choosing Show me the plan to the end Prove I won’t end up losing Sometimes it can be all confusing I text a lot Picking up loose ends
Do I overcompensate am I doing it again
What if I didn’t call would you have checked in The anxious loop to forever begins
Supposed to Be
8-10-21
That was supposed to be us Is all I left to write Maybe that’s why It hurts so much inside
How we got here Before we became I Hold it in I tried Today I break and cry
Seeing your new life My heart just don’t feel right I pray never again to be anyone’s sacrifice
Battlefield
8-15-21
Tell me why I write Do eyes care when they read Tell me why you’d leave Just after I said what I need And carry on with life Like leaving was so easy Tell me why come back to you Look what you gave me up to How come others made you choose But I didn’t have to
Tell me was it my fault Had I been a distraction Fights they happen I swore we got past it
To be loved the same Is all I was asking It’ll be worth it in the end That’s what I used to say Please make it go away Pain of the present day Too much to take everyday
“Get a life” you might think But my dream life’s stuck in my dreams I almost came close or a close call it seems If only you knew what depression’s taken from me I wake up and look forward to sleep What more else can I say I fought, prayed, and weeped Tired of feeling this way Months in a war trying to save myself and we So if you ever come back it’s your turn to fight for me
8-16-21
What if we die tomorrow No chance of getting old Would you change your mind What actions would unfold
Would you be at my side Wiping tears I cry Knowing just friends Is not where my heart resides
The rest of our lives But how is it you know Changing already Why you let me go
How old will I grow up With no one I’d let touch Reflecting the brief time I hadn’t had yours enough
Find the lies in my truth
I hope no one compares to you It’s not up for debate If not me then who
At the thought of others’ lust
My stomach finds disgust What free will might do With no such things as us
Us
Blindfold
8-22-21
I think for a while I found true happiness Surrounded with love Which I only dreamt of it
Happily ever after Most important on my list More a reason why To do that and this
Life got a lot better Knowing it was at the end The missing piece of my puzzle I manifested it
Missing you like this Feels like a slow death Breathing got better With every one of our breaths
I replay the memories To feel closer in a way Like a record on repeat All the things you say
All the smiles you gave Light in our eyes Feeling just right For the first time
I wish I could pray To speed up time Loving from astray I’d rather go blind
8-22-21
Wakes mid night
When the air is quiet Everything is still It’s hard to rhyme Describing how I feel
Reality stops for a while in a dark room That’s the harshest times I think of you And all the possibility What could be if we were we If for a moment it was about me If ever you’d cater to my needs
And the night is cold Winters almost coming I toss and turn Wanting to feel nothing
For the joy I craved Laying with your name
As they snuggle too In the home we made
It’s the worst cry To feel this inside Alone in the dark Imagining such a time
Imagine
Someday
10-10-21
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt It’s just not as bad I still think about it
All the hard days I had And the nights that were silent When I had many questions The calls you wouldn’t answer Felt like being neglected
How I fought to survive
When it was hard to breathe Picturing you and her Instead of you and me Seeing families in the store I’ll get triggered some more Tearing up around kids I ask myself what for
But I sleep better now Knowing our love hasn’t strayed I just had to hear you say We’ll be back one day
Off the table
10-11-21
Missing you feels like missing a piece of myself
I know they say it gets better with time But there’s not a day you’re not on my mind Trying to help myself remind Deep love isn’t the blind kind And of all the hats you occupy There’s still a crown next to mine No rush though I shouldn’t wait around But is love completely off of the table My heart holds too much weight for you If it came to it I don’t think I’d be able
I dream of your touch But I won’t say too much Of how the world would stop If we ever made love The sight of your smile Is one I miss much Each moment as us Was never really enough Still we vow to forever Never needing a judge I’d said yes Once I knew what this was Despite what’s been done How I hadn’t made sense of it We are our one And I know that you meant it
Close friends
10-13-21
I’m so used to talking to you
The day goes by I play some tunes I wonder if you miss me too And if this is easy for you to get through I’ve found that this way I communicate Helps me feel not so far away And on a hard day I think of what you’d say That there’s still sunshine Although you made it rain
But eventually my pen will run out of ink Mirroring my mind that can no longer think Because what’s left to say If everything’s been said All the truths I’ve held in my head Feelings I couldn’t express they just Still remain no matter how tough I wonder if you feel me deep enough Like is it equal More do you really love I doubt you could Not that you should But if you asked for my hand I’d tell you I would
Home Is Where The Heart Is
10-14-21
I looked forward to meeting them I wanted us to be friends
I think these days now If you had to pretend Why she calls her mom As if a while she’d been around I never asked but always knew More was to be found The reason you’d suggest I found a place of my own If for them you play house But if it’s really a home
Thirty-One
Thirty poems about you Look what you made me do Some of them are tough Others the best I ever knew
I hadn’t wrote so much before About anyone I adore A few here and there It takes a lot I guess you scored
I started to think it was pointless Looking back at others before Why write out my heart at all If in the end it just tore
Maybe it is maybe it’s not This is my story you’re the plot The right one will appreciate Everything I’ve got
Don’t know how many pens it’d take To change what’s become my fate Then again I don’t negate What beautiful art it makes
I hope that someday we’ll look back To play our movie good and bad And by the time we’re thirty-one We’ll be what we always wanted to become