Refocus: Positive Parenting Concepts

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L I V E W O R S H O P A L S O A V A I L A B L E

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DEDICATION

It is with all praises to Allah (SWT) that this work is dedicated for His sake to all parents and their children. This is a parent-to-parent resource and I pray that Allah provides the best of it and protects from any harm in it. May your children grow to be healthy contributing members of society and may they always be counted amongst those who are pleasing to Him and their parents…Ameen!

Aisha Al Hajjar Mother of Eight & Former Foster Mother

COPYRIGHT & PUBLISHING

©2020 Aisha Al Hajjar, All Rights Reserved.

Published by AMANI Inc. Delaware, USA

First published on Flip Snack June 2020

(All writings are the original work of Aisha Al Hajjar and are based on her personal research, experiences, and opinions.)

For more information: www.amanibirth.com or amanibirth.online

I Battle of the Wills

II Basic Principles

III What is Discipline?

IV Prison or Gold Mine?

V Goals and Habits

R E F O

POSITIVE PARENTING CONCEPTS

VI The Consequences

VII Setting Limits

VIII The Commitment

IX Building Trust

X Cause and Effect

XI Refocus

Stage I: Battle of the Wills

Five Steps to Positive Parenting

Having babies is blessing from Allah (SWT). Raising them, however, is a serious charge of responsibility

Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar: Allah's Apostle said, "Surely! Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charges: The Imam (ruler) of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects; a man is the guardian of his family (household) and is responsible for his subjects; a woman is the guardian of her husband's home and of his children and is responsible for them; and the slave of a man is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible for it. Surely, everyone of you is a guardian and responsible for his charges."

There is no doubt that parenting is a full-time responsibility which takes a lot of care and patience. But we all lose it on occasion; some parents so often, that losing their patience becomes the norm, audtho’billah Many times parents inadvertently set up a system of inefficient discipline habits that turn the home into a place of battle, battle of the wills.

As a mother of eight and a former foster parent of dozens, I’m often asked about parenting. I also facilitate positive parenting workshops and lecture on the topic of positive discipline for foster parents and social workers in the United States.

S E T T H E F O U N D A T O I N
Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Book 89: Volume 9, Book 89, Number 252
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Stage I: Battle of the Wills

The trouble is that most of us think of discipline as punishment rather than training for the future. Rarely do we stop to evaluate our parenting goals or to discover what motivates our children. However, it’s never too early or late to start.

Looking at the big picture, most Muslim parents will agree that we want our kids to grow up to be practicing believers in Allah (SWT) who can function in society and provide for themselves and their families, insha’Allah. But how do we reach that goal when there are so many insignificant daily battles getting in the way?

The most common complaints from parents stem from the children’s lack of motivation and responsibility with household chores and study (school and/or deen), as well as overall respect of parental authority So let’s look at the steps you can take as parents to get things on track:

Five Steps to Positive Parenting

1) CHANGE

2) UNITE

3) LOOK FORWARD

4) CONSISTENCY

5) POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

1) Change

Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves.

[Qur’an 13:11]

Realize that nothing in our homes will change until we, as parents, take steps to change. However, we are functioning (or not functioning) will continue until we commit to making the effort to improve it.

2) Unite

“And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allah (SWT), and be not divided among yourselves…”

[Qur’an 3:103]

We must commit to united parenting. Parenting in a two-parent household takes teamwork. Both parents must be on the same page and absolutely must agree not to undermine each other Parenting styles must be worked out away from the children and any disagreements about parenting issues must be discussed in private and never in the heat of a moment or in front of the children. The parents must have a united front or the entire family unit will not function well.

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Stage I: Battle of the Wills

3) Look Forward

“ and let them pardon and overlook Would you not like that Allah (SWT) should forgive you?…"

[Qur’an 24:22]

Allah (SWT) is merciful. He does not hold grudge on the repentant Deal with your children's mistakes and let them go Do not bring bring up past issues. Forgive and move on. Let each day start anew.

Additionally, find forgiveness for yourself. Avoid blame and beating yourselves up over what’s past. If you feel your parenting has been ineffective or you have been parenting out of anger, don’t lament. It’s never too late to make positive changes.

crumpled up on the floor still has its value, so do our children Regardless of how we ’ ve “messed up ” ‘til now, our children still have value and are worth the effort to pick up and move forward to better days.

4) Consistency

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah (SAWS) said, “Take up good deeds… the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.”

Source: Sunan Ibn Mājah 4240Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani

It cannot be overstated that consistency is the key to parenting. If you find your kids don’t listen or respect when you say, “No,” I’d venture to bet that you ’ ve been an inconsistent parent It takes absolute resolve, but when you make a determination about something; do not waiver unless there is valid reason to do so.

A child whining and driving you nuts is NOT a valid reason to give in. In fact, if you or your spouse are guilty of doing this, you are guilty of creating a whiny brat that never respects your word, istagfir’Allah

5) Positive Discipline

Verily, Allah has recorded good and bad deeds and He made them clear Whoever intends to perform a good deed but does not do it, then Allah will record it as a complete good deed. If he intends to do it and does so, then Allah the Exalted will record it as ten good deeds up to seven hundred times as much or even more If he intends to do a bad deed and does not do it, then Allah will record for him one complete good deed. If he does it then Allah will record for him a single bad deed.

Begin to think of discipline as training for the future rather than punishment of the past. We do this by determining our parenting goals, children’s motivators, and looking for ways to use those motivators to attain the goals we want to achieve.

Set the foundation take these five steps today!

Source: Sahih Bukhari 6126, Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi
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Stage II: Basic Principles

Establish Family Meetings

Allah (SWT) has prescribed many duties on the believers with regards to the rights of others upon us. A search through Qur’an and Hadeeth reveals many ayat and narrations of the Prophet Mohammed (SAWS) in regards to the parent/child relationship. We are fortunate to have such instruction at our fingertips, alhamdulelah.

It has been narrated by the authority of 'Amr bin al` As that The Prophet Mohammed (SAWS) said, " He is not of us, who is not affectionate to the young, and respectful to the elders".

It is obvious that our children deserve affection from us and that we expect respect from them. In order to establish these basic human principles of the parent-child relationship, it is important that we clearly define and communicate what is guaranteed to children (their rights over parents), and what is expected of them (the parents’ rights over their children).

With regards to positive parenting, we should also consider what motivates our children. This facet is essential in positive parenting.

As an important step to communicating expectations, I recommend parents start with a family meeting. During this meeting discuss Rights, Responsibilities, and Privileges. Even very young children can understand simple explanations of these concepts

It’s important to let children participate in the meeting and give input. A child is more likely to respond to change if they are included in the process of making it

Basic Principles

1) RIGHTS

2) RESPONSIBILITIES

3) PRIVLEGES

wild
Tirmidhi and Abii Da `
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Stage II: Basic Principles

Rights are g have a right to expect, regardless of their behavior, no matter what they do. Their rights should include basic things like food, clothing, shelter, opportunity for education, privacy, and love of parents It should be clear that the child has these basic rights no matter what!

g g do. They often mistake privileges for rights. These are things to be earned. This could include toys, television, computer time, games, outdoor activities, sports, telephone time, snacks and desserts, etc Be sure to let your children help to build this list. The bigger the better, these are your children’s ti t

Responsibilities are the things children must do in order for the family to function well. Responsibilities could include things like chores, study, pet care, caring for younger siblings, prayer, personal hygiene, respect for parents, or anything else that you need/want your children to do. This should be customized to your family. If your children constantly battle you about getting ready in the morning, then you’d want to be sure to get this on the list Be sure to include things they already do well along side things that need improvement.

your children’s mething to work with on plan. You’ve also p p terms of what’s guaranteed (rights), what’s expected (responsibilities), and what must be EARNED (privileges). Understanding the difference between the three categories also helps children feel secure in their rights and less demanding of their privileges

Clearly communicating these expectations is a fundamental step in making real changes to positive parenting.

Clearly Communicate Expectations, A Foundation of Positive Parenting!

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Stage III: What is Discipline?

The Positive Parenting Perspective

C O N S I D E R Y O U R P E R S P E C T I V E

When I think of positive parenting I think of parenting from the perspective of love and mercy for our children. There are many hadeeth and examples from the Prophet Mohammed (SAWS) of his mercy and care with regard to the children in his life. One such example is this:

Merriam-Webster defines discipline as:

1) PUNISHMENT

2) INSTRUCTION

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle kissed Al-Hasan bin Ali while Al-Aqra' bin Habis At-Tamim was sitting beside him. AlAqra said, "I have ten children and I have never kissed anyone of them," Allah's Apostle cast a look at him and said, "Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully."

In order to understand the concept of positive parenting we have to explore our perception of discipline Let's take a look at what the modern dictionaries have to say about the meaning of discipline.

3) A FIELD OF STUDY

4) TRAINING

5) CONTROL GAINED BY ENFORCING OBEDIENCE

6) SYSTEM OF RULES GOVERNING CONDUCT OR ACTIVITY

Most of us don’t look past the first line. We see discipline as punishment. I prefer to dig deeper and I find the American Heritage Dictionary definition even more revealing:

Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Book 73: Volume 8, Book 73, Number 26
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Stage III: What is Discipline?

Discipline: Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

Adjusting our perspective of discipline from “punishment” to “training” is much more in line with the mercy shown by the Prophet (SAWS) to the children in his life. This shift in our focus can make the difference between constant struggles with our children and family harmony.

Let's examine these examples:

Family A has two children who seem ungrateful, constantly whine, and rarely obey their parents. The mother finds herself exhausted from chasing behind her children and feels all she does is nag them to get things done Often overwhelmed, she finds it simpler to do everything herself and resents her children’s disobedience.

Family B has four children who are gentle, polite, and self motivated. They rarely argue and usually do things the first time asked. The mother is calm, confident and at ease in her parenting. She humbly shrugs off comments exclaiming, “How do you do it with so many kids!?!” from other mothers in the “Family A” group

So what’s the difference?

Family A

The parents are not united, often undermining each other’s authority. The parents are inconsistent and often change their decisions. They tend to give in to their children’s whining. They may give up and just do things themselves, rather than insisting the children fulfill their responsibilities in the family.

The parents view discipline as punishment and find themselves yelling, arguing, threatening, and punishing their children on a continual basis They are at a loss as to how to manage their family and feel like parenting failures.

Family B

The parents are united and one parent never reverses the decision of the other.

The parents are consistent. They never change their decision unless there is a material change in information or real reason to do so (whining is not a reason). They expect their children to fulfill their responsibilities and teach them their role within the family.

The parents view discipline as training They take time to define their parenting goals and discover their children’s motivators. They implement a positive parenting system that works and stick to it. They are confident parents and it shows

Family B’s parents foster the behaviors they desire in their children. Their children understand the difference between rights and privileges and know what is expected of them. They also have a system in place that is consistent and clear. The children in Family B know what it takes to EARN their privileges and are motivated to do so.

Adjust your Parenting Perspective!

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Stage IV: Prison or Gold Mine?

Is Your Home a Prison or a Gold Mine?

“Is your home a prison or a gold mine?”

That is, do you constantly find yourself yelling, threatening, punishing, and taking things away from your children (like a prison)? Or do your children obediently respect your requests and get rewarded for it (like a gold mine)?

This question hits many parents like a ton of bricks. Let's take a journey to redefine the way we parent and train our children

The character of a believer is to be grateful and respectful of what has been provided us by Allah (SWT). Islam also teaches us that good deeds are recorded and rewarded Positive parenting techniques should be modeled after these principals.

And...your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will increase you in favor...'

14:7]

Referring back to Stage III, consider your children’s motivators (privileges). Once you have done that, you have something to work with to create a family action plan. You’ve also set up expectations in terms of what’s guaranteed (rights), what’s expected (responsibilities), and what must be EARNED (privileges).

Now set up standards and minimum levels of behavior. What I find most parents struggle with is household chores, study, obedience, and overall respect for parental authority.

With this in mind, let's begin by making a list of specific responsibilities and assigning a value to each item on the list

F O C U S O N T H E P O S I T I V E
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Stage IV: Prison or Gold Mine?

Consider giving higher value to things that seem more difficult or time consuming to the children as well as the behaviors you feel need fostering in your children. We call this a “point system.”

Children enjoy recognition (as do adults) and feel valued when their contributions are noticed. As they tend to be visual, it is usually effective keep a whiteboard and record each child’s fulfillment of his/her daily responsibilities. Simple tally marks equate to “points earned” for desired behaviors or chores Be sure to keep it flexible, on a month-by-month basis, and assign “extra credit” for the behaviors you feel need extra work.

For example, doing things the first time I ask is important to me. I award my children three extra points for doing any chore the first time I ask. Even more valuable to me is self motivation. I award five extra points for doing any chore without being asked

These “extra credit” points are amazing! Children actually look for things to do. Rather than stepping over a mess, they rush to be the first one to clean it up! What a blessing this is! Rather than nagging and complaining, you simply smile and mark points on a board.

Next is to assign a value to privileges Children should understand that each day is a new start If they want to enjoy their toys, television, computer, telephone, bike riding, games, snacks and desserts, etc. they have to earn a certain number of points first. Simply making the shift from considering these things as “rights,” to understanding they are “privileges to be earned,” will encourage your children to be more grateful for them, insha’Allah.

It's suggested to also make some things a required minimum For example, no privileges until homework is done, or no computer time until the living room is cleaned up (regardless if they have enough points).

These recognition programs can work with any behavior modification you wish to foster. Brushing teeth, potty training, daily salat (prayer), etc. are good candidates. Younger children often do well with star charts

Other parents who have tried this positive parenting system testify that they are amazed at how much their children can do. In fact, a mother of a five year-old was shocked at how much her son was capable of doing on his own, masha’Allah.

Obviously what works in each family will vary. The key is focussing on work and good behaviors and the concept of earning privileges When children are focused on positives, you'll find a great reduction in negative behaviors.

It takes consistency on the parents’ part to follow through and focus on good behaviors. However, this is so much easier than constantly battling and getting nothing done.

Focus
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on the Positive Today!

Stage V: Goals and Habits

Set Goals for Your Children

F O S T E R G O O D H A B I T S

As parents it is important that we have goals for our children This includes longterm as well as short-term goals. Fostering good behaviors in our children should be short term goals that turn desired behaviors into habits. As children grow, they should be included and considered in the development in long-term goals

Typically it takes about a month to form a habit (good or bad). Consider the month of Ramadan: Muslims are encouraged to increase their good deeds Allah (SWT) gives the blessings of this month to focus on Islamic goals and work towards forming habits that increase our rewards on the day of judgment, insha'Allah.

O you who have believed, decreed upon you is fasting as it was decreed upon those before you that you may become righteous.

One way to encourage positive habits in children is to set goals Older children do well with monthly goals, whereas younger children may need weekly or daily goals.

Provide rewards for reaching goals, but keep it simple Goals can be incorporated into the "point system" described in the Prison or Gold Mine section. Tracking behavior and having children earn privileges, becomes a habit and specific goals can be included.

In a point system, you can set a number goal. If achieved, reward the children with things you would give them anyway. It may be as simple as letting them select their favorite meal for the coming month’s Fridays or a shopping trip for clothes you would have provided any way. Young children may enjoy a trip to the local fast food chain. Rather than doling out cash or allowances as a “right,” turn it into a “privilege” earned by reaching goals

Be careful not to over reward or make promises you can’t keep Keep it simple and modify behaviors The aim is making good behavior habits. Modify the program on a monthly basis to keep things fresh and to concentrate on areas needing improvement.

Set Goals and Foster Good Habits!

[Qur'an 2:183]
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Stage VI: The Consequences

Consequences for Misbehaivor

In Islam there is a balance between Allah (SWT)’s mercy and HIS wrath We are promised fair judgment where our good deeds will be weighed against bad. Our faith is a balance between our trust in Allah (SWT) and our fear of HIS punishment.

Ali (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: When the Messenger of Allah (SAWS) was in Salat (prayer), he used to supplicate towards the end of prayer after Tashahhud and before the concluding salutations: "O Allah! Forgive my former and latter sins, which I have done secretly and those which I have done openly, and that I have wronged others, and those defaults of mine about which You have better knowledge than I have You Alone can send whomever You will to Jannah, and You Alone can send whomever You will to Hell-fire. None has the right to be worshipped but You."

[Muslim] English book reference : Book 16, Hadith 1424

'Although a positive parenting model should be focused on the good behaviors, we cannot simply ignore the bad. Fortunately, however, when we spend our time focusing on desired behaviors there are less of the undesired behaviors to deal with, alhamdulelah

It is important that children understand what behaviors are expected. As much as possible, these should be clearly communicated in advance Included in this are consequences that can be expected for misbehavior.

Most misbehavior can be dealt with as a minor blip in the positive parenting plan Start with a warning program in which children receive a verbal warning upon first occurrence, a written warning the second time (an “ x ” next to their name on the whiteboard), and a consequence on the third or subsequent event.

P U N I S H M E N T I N P O S I T I V E P A R E N T I N G
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Stage VI: The Consequences

Certain misbehaviors, however, fall under “ zero tolerance ” These are things considered "major misbehaviors " These are related to human safety and preservation of property. For example, there is “ zero tolerance” for hitting, biting, or anything that hurts the child or others Similarly, there is “ zero tolerance” for destruction of property.

These “ zero tolerance” offenses result in swift action. In addition to loss of points, time-outs or grounding are usually effective in these cases

It is not my place to condone nor condemn a physical parenting strategy, however, I do not advise spanking or hitting children. In fact, consider that children will mimic what we do. If we resort to hitting when we dislike a behavior, our children will likely do the same, audtho’billah.

It is also important that consequences fit the behavior Punishment should not be overly harsh or long and drawn out. The most effective consequences are ones that are associated with the act committed. If a child leaves a mess for example, the consequence might be cleaning up that mess. If they slam a door, the punishment might be to gently and quietly open and then close the same door twenty times. Linking the consequence to the behavior ensures the punishment is equitable, relevant, and just

A well-established "point system" can also easily serve its own consequences. For example, if the child gets points for cleaning up and he fails to do so, he loses opportunity to earn those points, yet still will be held accountable for the responsiblity of cleaning up.

Additionally, it’s important to start fresh each day. We should not harbor yesterday’s behavior in today’s parenting Children should experience your mercy and forgiveness and past mistakes should not be harped on. As each day starts anew, children should feel confident in their ability to do well and secure in your mercy and love for them Remember too that none of us are perfect and that Allah (SWT) accepts and loves the repentant.

Allah's Apostle (SAWS) said, "Every son of Adam sins, the best of the sinners are those who repent."

The beautiful thing about parenting from a positive perspective is that good behaviors become habit, bad behaviors diminish, and our relationships with our children become more fruitful and enjoyable. I pray that Allah bless your family and provide the readers the best of this advice in their individual family situations

Set Reasonable and Just Consequences for Misbehavior.

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Stage VII: Setting Limits

Setting Clear, Reasonable, Enforceable Limits

It’s important that we set limits with our children. We are reminded in Qur’an to not spend in excess nor be miserly. Moderation is key.

[The servants of Allah are…] Those who, when they spend, are not extravagant nor miserly, but hold a just (balance) between those (extremes).

[Qur'an 25:67]

Moderation should apply to how we spend our time and rule our homes, as well as our monetary resources.

With this in mind, set limits not only on behaivors but also on the rewards you offer your children. You should keep the rewards simple and limit them to things you would provide for your children one way or the other any way.

Children should not become accustomed to huge rewards nor should you find yourself competing with past rewards.

At no point should you be increasing to bigger and better things each month

Additionally, as children earn their daily privileges (toys, games, television, computer time, snacks, desserts, etc.) they should understand that there is still a healthy limit on these indulgences and activities There must be a balance between work, play, healthy eating, rest, and study.

There is no set guideline as to where these limits should be Each family must evaluate their goals and determine the limits that work best for their children. The goal is not to set up a system where children only behave or are motivated by rewards. Here too there must be a healthy balance and thus why it's important to reevaluate where you ' re focussing your attention each month. Remember, developing habits and removing that item from the reward list and focusing on something new to develop works best.

Set Clear and Reasonable Limits.

S E T L I M I T S O N R E W A R D S A N D B E H A I V O R S
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Stage VIII: The Commitment

Commit to Follow Through

Y O U R C H I L D R E N D E P

When we implement a positive parenting plan in our homes we must be committed to it. It’s important that we focus on the long-term goals of forming good Islamic character and positive behavior habits in our children. In hadeeth we are reminded that the Prophet (SAWS) valued consistency in good deeds:

Narrated Masruq: I asked 'Aisha what deed was the most beloved to the Prophet? She said, "The regular constant one. "

Additionally, we should consider our positive parenting as a series of steps We should expect to train our children bit by bit. Change does not happen overnight. It takes time, consistency, and commitment.

Additionally, some children will resist change They will push the boundaries until they discover where they really lie. They will attempt to break you and may look for

E N D O N Y O U

your weaknesses. You must be committed, solid, unwavering. Wishy washy parenting simply gives your children control. Not to mention, kids crave dependability and thrive with clear boundaries You must earn their trust by being consistent. If you start something, commit to it, follow it through, and be true to your word.

Tested Tip: If you are the parent who gives in when the children drive you nuts, create a verbal "shield." Words like "regardless" or "nevertheless" work well when you child starts in with "But Mom!" When kids try to negotiate, use your solid and repetitive shield This will teach them that there's no point to play their manipulative games and they will quickly learn that it's easier to submit than to face the shield.

Commitment Allows Kids to Trust and Depend on You.

Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 76, Number 468
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Stage IX: Building Trust

Parenting the Very Young Child

B U I L D T R U S T F R O M T H E B E G I N N I N G

Trust is the basis of all relationships and I'm sure all parents want a trusting relationship with their children. When you build trust with your child you make a solid bond that allows them to feel safe coming to you in good times and bad It also means that you will be able to trust them. A child should always feel safe within his own family. In fact, we all should.

Many people don't realize that trust buidling begins very young It is also a huge part of discipline. “At what age should I start discipline with my child?” The answer is at birth!

Discipline is rooted in trust An infant whose needs are met quickly will most likely be calmer, more patient, and more obedient as a toddler and that demeanor will carry throughout his lifetime, insha’Allah

Trust is also a huge part of religion. Our ultimate trust is obviously with Allah (SWT). This ultimate trust also needs to be taught and instilled in our children.

"If you put your whole trust in Allah, as you ought, He most certainly will satisfy your needs, as He satisfies those of the birds They come out hungry in the morning, but return full to their nests."

(Tirmidhi)

We have been given charge over our babies and it’s our utmost duty to Allah to satisfy their needs By doing so, we instill a sense of trust in our children that will be the foundation for how they interact with the world around them.

I believe there is no such thing as a “spoiled” newborn. Babies have a right to our care and love and should not have to scream to get it. For example, when you see early signs of hunger (sucking, putting fingers in the mouth, turning head with eyes closed to search for mother, etc ), feed the baby (crying is a late hunger sign). Don’t worry about holding the baby too much. If the baby enjoys being held, pick him up. Infancy is not the time for “tough love” or delayed satisfaction of needs

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Stage IX: Building Trust

We are continuously communicating with our children, whether we realize it or not, right from infancy. Be mindful about the message you are sending. Your newborn is learning and experiencing the world right from the start. It is our duty, as parents, to protect them and teach them that they can trust us and thus the world in which they live. We are also building their language skills right from day one, so be sure to talk to your baby!

As an example, try to notice baby's early feeding signs and verbalize to them. Simply say something like, “Baby wants to nurse? Bismillah, my baby,” and put him to the breast before he fusses for it. In fact, baby should not have to cry to feed Crying is a late sign of feeding and an indidcation that we have missed the early cues and thus let him down. (That's not to say your baby should never cry, don't mistake the message, but baby surely should not need to cry for every feed )

Talk to your baby every time you respond to his needs, “Do you need to change? Mommy will clean you all up!” Don’t feel silly talking to a baby You’ll be surprised at just how young they will be able to understand you. In fact, understanding comes long before they start to talk or even crawl, masha’Allah

Talking to your baby and using your tone of voice to convey warmth and reassurance will build trust. Your baby will learn that your speech will be followed by meeting his needs As your baby grows you can begin short delayed responses to his needs as he learns to calm with the sound of your voice. The older the baby, the longer his span of patience will be…so long as this trust has been built up first

Using this model, even small babies learn patience and trust. But the parents must make a habit of talking to soothe the baby immediately before and while responding to his needs A baby who is confident in his caregivers’ response to his needs, will be much easier to parent lifelong.

In fact, the newborn who is confident in his parents' fulfillment of his needs, which means he knows he can trust them, will start to display healthy signs of independnce by age two. By contrast, the baby who has to resort to stressful crying in order to be cared for, or who is left to " cry it out," is more likely to be an insecure and clingy two-year-old.

All of this translates into healthy parentchild bonding and thus healthy adult relationships later on in life You are setting the stage early, so be mindful of the messages you send.

That's not to say that all is lost if you didn't do a good job of this and your child is already growing It just means you now have a lot to make up for. The burden is on you to recognize your parenting shortcomings and work to overcome them from wherever you are today.

Build Trust from Now.

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Stage X: Cause and Effect

Teach "First This, Then That"

As adults, we can look to Qur’an and Sunnah for guidance of the relationship between our deeds and our promised rewards This cognitive understanding of cause and effect is an important part of our deen.

And those whose scales are heavy (with good deeds), it is they who will be successful [Qur an 23:102]

At first glance, this concept may seem too complex to teach to very young children. However, what we often don’t realize is that a simple understanding of cause and effect begins at birth. For example, infants quickly understand that nursing satisfies hunger and mother’s arms soothe fears.

In Stage IX I talked about Building Trust with your newborn. Ideally birth is the time to start laying the foundations of

positive parenting which lead to strong Islamic character.

Many parents don’t realize just how soon they can begin implementing positive parenting strategies with very young children. Honestly, although it’s never too late, it’s much better and easier to do sooner, rather than later.

To really begin a tangible model of positive parenting, we first must determine whether or not the child understands cause and effect. If not, you’ll need to start training on this concept first.

For example, if he wants something you ’ re eating or drinking, ask him to kiss your cheek first. Be sure to communicate consistently with your child, “Kiss my cheek first, then you can have some. ”

At first the child may get fussy or frustrated by the delay or distraction (request for the

E S T A B L I S H P R I V L E G E S E A R N E D B Y R E S P O N S I B L I T I E S P A G E 1 7

Stage X: Cause and Effect

kiss) But after a few times, he will learn to trust the relationship between the request and the reward. As you are consistent with this approach, you’ll notice his demeanor change and he will no longer be bothered by the request and will satisfy it right off, trusting the reward will follow

Keep it gentle and loving, but be consistent. If you ask for a deed in exchange for his request, be sure you don’t give in without him first fulfilling your request and be sure to follow through with the reward when he pays his due.

At this point it becomes easier to transfer this trust to more relevant issues. “Pick up your books first; then you can have your trucks.” Once the concept of “first this; then that” is solidified you can begin to build upon it. Just as was written in the past few Stages of this booklet, you can begin to identify your child’s motivators and set a pattern of earning privileges by fulfilling responsibilities. Many parents are shocked to realize that even children as young as twelve months (or younger) can partake in family obligations.

Keep in mind, however, that young children have very short attention spans. Goals should be very short and rewards almost immediate. Simple star or sticker charts work well with young ones These are notoriously used with toddlers during potty training and other hygiene habits, and remember, in the long run, it is desired habits that we working to establish in our children.

Referring back to star charts, usually the child will be thrilled to see each new star or sticker applied to his chart. A fresh chart should be started each day. Be sure to make a big deal for each accomplishment

Remember the importance of unified parenting and praise him in front of the other parent, who should also support the efforts by praising the child’s achievements.

Ultimately, children are looking for recognition from their parents If that recognition only comes when they do something naughty or bad, then this is teaching a pattern of misbehavior for parental attention. Adjust your focus. Take control of your own household culture Remember that Allah (SWT) says in the Qur'an:

Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves.

[Qur’an 13:11]

As stated before, it's never too late to implement positive parenting concepts into the parent-child relationship. Starting young makes it easier but it's always possible, regardless of the child's age In fact, the older they are, the more they can be included in crafting what this looks like in your house. Including older children in the redevelpment of your family culture also increases the odds of their buy in

Establish
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a Culture of Privleges Earned for Responsiblities Fulfilled.

Stage XI: Refocus

Refocus Your Parenting Effort

It's time to take a breath and refocus your parenting energies As the parent you set the stage and culture in your household. Too many parents fall into a trap where the child's behavior sets the stage and they chase behind and react to it.

Children are looking for your guidance and attention. If the only attention they get is as a result of negative behaviors, you perpetuate an ugly cycle of repetitive negative behavior and exasperated and ineffective parental discipline A family culture where children are in charge and parents are desperate for peace and order is a result of out-of-focus parenting. Refocus on the positive and you will be amazed with the results

Take charge of your household today. Regardless if your child is in the womb or a teen, it's never too early and it's never too late

In this booklet we have covered a lot of

foundational ground. We have explored tips and explored tangible ways that you can refocus and implement a positive parenting strategy in your household. Be sure to share this with other people involved in the parenting of your child, whether that be a spouse, grandparents, household help, aunties and uncles, etc

Please note that changing habits and establishing an effective system in your house will take commitment and consistency. It also requires communication and involvement of your children, especially if they are older. It's important to have a solid plan in place before your first family meeting and to keep unity with any other parenting partners.

May Allah bless your family, provide you the best of this positive parenting advice, and protect you from any harm in it…Ameen.

Join a Positive Parenting Workshop today!

https://amanibirth online

Y O U R C H I L D R E N R E S P O N D T O Y O U R F O C U S P A G E 1 9

https://amanibirth.online/shop/positive-parenting-workshop/

On-Demand Online Positive Parenting Workshop!

Positive Parenting Concepts

Many families struggle with parenting It may seem like the children run the household and the parents chase after them, reacting to their children's behaviors, desperately trying to get the kids to listen.

In this quick booklet, parents will explore tangible strategies to regain control of the household Stragegies to end the battle of the wills Strategies to motivate children to behave and contribute to the family.

You will discover how to set up a family culture of positive parenting right from birth...or to restructure a dysfunctional family culture with older children and teens. It's never too early or too late!

Even if your family is functioning reasonably well, there will be ideas and tips you can implement with your own children. It's quick, it's practical, and it's founded in Islam.

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