Jokes of the Month The Assassin
The Lamborghini
President Trump is walking across the White House lawn to his helicopter when an assassin jumps out with a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" The assassin took careful aim and shot the president dead. Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse when you saw the assassin?” The agent replied, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
An employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss, “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!” The boss looks the employee in the face and says, “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime and you do your absolute best then maybe...” The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says, “Yes...” The boss looks into the employee’s eyes and says, “Then maybe... I’ll have another one next year.”
The Jumper Jack sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10 o’clock late night news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed 30 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 30 dollars to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and I knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money. The Gardener Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the our gardener wants to buy Mom."
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The Budweiser Campaign Two Budweiser executives want a new brand image so they ask for an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer, 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this day our daily Bud'. The Pope is appalled. 'But this is sacred, infallible scripture! We can't possibly change the words around like that!' The executives realise this is a big obstacle but they reassure the pontiff that Budweiser will pay handsomely, to the tune of 50 million dollars. 'It's out of the question!' the Pope protests. 'These are the words of our Lord himself. If we change them, it would be blasphemy!' So the offer goes up to 70 million. After half an hour of wrangling, the Pope begins to relent. The Budweiser offer is now one billion dollars, and he thinks how nice it would be to pay off all the Vatican debts, and get his apartment completely refurbished. 'Look,' he says, 'I'll need to discuss this with my senior cardinal, please excuse me for a minute’. He takes the cardinal to one side and whispers, 'Luigi, remind me, when does the “Wonder Bread” contract run out?'
