Jokes of the Month

The Assassin President Trump is walking across the White House lawn to his helicopter when an assassin jumps out with a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" The assassin took careful aim and shot the president dead. Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse when you saw the assassin?” The agent replied, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

The Jumper Jack sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10 o’clock late night news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed 30 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 30 dollars to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and I knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.

The Gardener Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the our gardener wants to buy Mom." The Lamborghini An employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss, “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!” The boss looks the employee in the face and says, “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime and you do your absolute best then maybe...” The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says, “Yes...” The boss looks into the employee’s eyes and says, “Then maybe... I’ll have another one next year.”

The Budweiser Campaign Two Budweiser executives want a new brand image so they ask for an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer, 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this day our daily Bud'. The Pope is appalled. 'But this is sacred, infallible scripture! We can't possibly change the words around like that!' The executives realise this is a big obstacle but they reassure the pontiff that Budweiser will pay handsomely, to the tune of 50 million dollars. 'It's out of the question!' the Pope protests. 'These are the words of our Lord himself. If we change them, it would be blasphemy!' So the offer goes up to 70 million. After half an hour of wrangling, the Pope begins to relent. The Budweiser offer is now one billion dollars, and he thinks how nice it would be to pay off all the Vatican debts, and get his apartment completely refurbished. 'Look,' he says, 'I'll need to discuss this with my senior cardinal, please excuse me for a minute’. He takes the cardinal to one side and whispers, 'Luigi, remind me, when does the “Wonder Bread” contract run out?'

...and next...

The Destination A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean at the harbour. But just before she threw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.” With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her some food, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain says. Then she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferr y.” The Very Young Wife

Bill, a 65-year-old extremely wealthy widower, s h ow s u p a t th e C o u n t r y C l u b w i th a n astonishingly beautiful and very sexy 25-yearold who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bill’s arm and listening intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all awestruck. When she had gone to the loo they ask, “Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?” Bill says, “I lied about my age.” His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.” The Problem An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

IQ A pub bought an intelligent robotic barman and a guy came in for a drink. The robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130", so the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on, as he gave him a beer. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "110", so the robot started talking about football, dirt bikes, formula one race cars and so on as he poured his drink. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came into the bar and as with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot said to him, "So, how are things in Donald Trump land these days?"