Senior trip moved to Guy’s house
By Samantha Ryba Editor-in-Chief
While past senior trips have typically taken students to lively cities such as Baltimore and Atlanta, this year, because of limited funds, senior trip will take place at none other than Flatbush’s newly acquired estate, Mr. Guy Ben-Shushan’s house!
Conveniently located next door to the school, on East 17th Street, this destination will offer students the unique opportunity for meaningful volunteer work in a familiar community setting.
While Mr. Guy Ben-Shushan’s house is used daily, only for simple operations like minyan and extra-time testing, its finishings are undeniably—unfinished?
The dim lighting gives people a headache, and the whole place has a vaguely odd smell that no one can quite place. It’s also a tad cramped, which makes everyone miss the beit midrash even more. The floor is made of a fake hardwood vinyl that manages to be both noisy and commercial-looking. After all, nothing says Hiddur Mitzvah like a bunch of creaks coming from the floors.
The door also takes forever to close, and when it finally does, it makes a crazy loud sound that never fails to startle those praying. Additionally, the house is always freezing. Not that it matters much, because students are forced to cram together during minyan, standing elbow to elbow, which definitely generates heat.
Though the house is overflowing with
Flatbush offers valet parking for students
By Bobbi Salama
Photography Editor
No parking? No problem!
A recent crash on East 16th St. and Avenue J that left four seniors’ cars in desperate need of repairs has inspired a new policy at school: valet parking for students who drive to school. Just pull up right in front of the school’s main entrance, toss your keys to the valet, and head right inside with no need to worry about circling the block, feeding meters, or alternate side parking.
“This is the best thing that ever happened at Flatbush,” said one excited se-
Faculty Freshman: Page 2
D’var Torah: Page 4 Ask Meryl Streep: Page 6
nior. “One day last week I spent 25 minutes looking for a spot, only to finally find one on the dead end and 10th. But by then, I was already late for minyan and now I only have one more day before I go over the residency limit!”
Starting March 3, valet parking is open from 7:30-7:50 each morning, located in the same line as carpool dropoff. The valet company, Early Bird Parking Grp., said they will pay any tickets received from parking by a pump, and will split the cost with the driver for any metered parking.
“It’s really just our latest trick to get
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a certain construction-esque charm, it is in dire need of help from Flatbush’s highly skilled seniors to turn it back into a pristine estate.
Homeowner Mr. Ben-Shushan says he’s looking forward to the renovations, but quite apprehensive about putting the fate of his home in the hands of teenagers.
“If the house falls apart, it’s not my problem. At least I’ll get money,” he shared.
Contrastingly, Rabbi Joseph Beyda is extremely excited for this opportunity, especially given that the trip is budget-friendly—a major consideration for Flatbush in 2025. “It’s a win-win! Seniors get to engage in a formative experience and the YOF saves money,” Rabbi Beyda said.
Rabbi Galpert added that availability
of kosher food is always a major consideration when selecting senior trip destinations. “This location is close to several kosher restaurants,” he explained. “In that respect, it’s much better than Baltimore.”
The seniors have received a long list of tasks they must complete on this volunteering journey, including installing a new heating unit, replacing the windows that the senior boys’ minyan broke recently, and redoing the Feng Shui, per Mr. Ben-Shushan’s request. “I learned about it during my trip to Asia after the army,” he shared.
Though the trip will be fun and exciting, there will undoubtedly be lots of work to complete and lots of opportunities for chesed.
Mr. Katz caught embezzling from library
By Olivia Shamayeva Junior Editor
A shocking library scandal has rocked the high school, leaving students and faculty bewildered. Books have been mysteriously disappearing, and the evidence points to the most unlikely suspect of all – our very own librarian, Mr. Katz.
“Just yesterday I went to check out Pride and Prejudice for AP Lit,” senior Eliana Ashurov remarked. “To my surprise, there were no copies left, so I thought about getting Jane Eyre instead. When I requested that, it was also missing. I had a feeling something isn’t right.”
Other students have noticed strange occurrences as well. Junior Emily Tarrab recounted, “I saw this book in the library yesterday, and I was considering checking it out. But, when I came back the next day, it had vanished. I asked Mr. Katz about it, and he quickly said, ‘We never had that book in the library.”
The English department, led by Ms. Bloom, launched a full-scale investigation. At first, Ms. Berenstein, our other librarian, refused to betray her long-time colleague. However, after intense questioning and a bribe of a fancy bookmark, she cracked, stating “From what I’ve been seeing, things in the library have been
disappearing more than usual.”
After hours of reviewing security footage and interrogating witnesses, the English department discovered a shocking pattern. “Every morning I see Mr. Katz enter the building with an empty backpack, and leave with it suspiciously full,” Mr. Hofstetter reported.
It turns out that books have been slowly disappearing from the library shelves for years. But how did Mr. Katz avoid detection for so long? “His plan was genius in its simplicity,” Ms. Bloom
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A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Vol 58, Issue 5
Mr. Katz caught in the act
Seniors now have to make sure to bring cash so they can tip the valet
RabbiGPT? Prag caught writing letters to AI
By Elliot Cohen Junior Editor
In a teacher’s meeting earlier this year, teachers were lectured about the positive uses of Artificial Intelligence. This lecture was taken to heart by most teachers, many quickly installing the ChatGPT app on their phones in order to have quick conversations and to find solutions to questions throughout the day. This however, was a roadblock for one beloved teacher: Rabbi Prag.
How does a Rabbi who refuses to use a smartphone use AI?
Months after this meeting, Mike at security flagged down multiple handwritten letters, addressed to Rabbi Prag, from ChatGPT’s headquarters in San Francisco. Upon further questioning, Rabbi Prag opened up. He claimed that due to his phone being “b’emet useless,” he needed to find a way to contact Artificial Intelligence. Using an address which he found via a beloved community leader at his 7:30 class at Shaare Zion, he began sending handwritten letters to ChatGPT. We were able to find each of Rabbi Prag’s letters to the AI. In his first, he introduced himself. Alongside the introduction, he included his classic story about the woman from Colombia who was half Jewish, attended a synagogue, and said, “This is where you pray? It is like a social hall compared to my church!”
The AI responded with a simple and humble introduction of his own. The AI then found the story which Rabbi Prag was talking about, and confirmed its validity, giving the woman a name and giving the story a proper year. It was at this point that Rabbi Prag was hooked. He began sending daily messages to the AI.
When the postal service went on strike for a few weeks, Rabbi Prag began asking ChatGPT his queries by sending carrier pigeons.
At one point, the AI had asked a question about a Gemara to Rabbi Prag, which he answered, but to his dismay, the AI responded with “Ah, that is a very HN/HR answer!” Rabbi Prag was furious, but also impressed. How was it possible that these letters had already learned so much about him? Rabbi Prag explained that this AI had impressed him so much that he was now invited to first period in room 325.
Faculty Freshman: Jesus and Alex from Chock
By Olivia Shamah Junior Editor
Long beloved as master baristas, Chock Full O’ Nuts’s very own Jesus and Alex have recently joined the Flatbush family. The duo teaches an elective class, open to juniors and seniors, about the intricacies of coffee making and bagel assembling, called Chock 101.
Unlike other classes, this class is a hands-on course that covers everything from how to manage Chock during a Friday lunch to how to cut a bagel into eight perfect slices. Because the Flatbush campus doesn’t have the necessary equipment for the class to be taught properly, Chock 101 is taught across the street in the actual Chock store. Students are able to experience life behind the counter during ninth period every Monday through Thursday while being mentored by the legendary Alex and Jesus. They are even allowed in the back room to practice using the ice machine and take the
baked goods out of their packaging.
“Teaching is my passion,” Alex shared. “I always wanted to pass on my knowledge of running the cash register on to the students that I see every day. They mean the world to me.”
Alex and Jesus have been tag-teaming the Chock establishment for over 10 years now, and Flatbush students have been a huge part of their lives since the beginning. “I dreamed of working in Flatbush ever since the first time someone ordered a red drink,” Jesus said.
Their dreams of teaching at Flatbush finally came true last spring, when Rabbi Beyda proposed the idea while picking up his daily yellow drink and double chocolate muffin on his way into school. “I wanted to show them how much they mean to both me and the Flatbush community, and this felt like an appropriate and respectful way to give back,” Rabbi Beyda shared.
The next thing they knew, Alex and Jesus were giving a model lesson at Craw-
Bird Flu Strikes YOFHS
By Caroline Palacci
Entertainment Editor
“Where did all the birds go?!”
For the past few months this has been every Nurse Fayge fan’s top question.
Ever since anyone can remember, Nurse Fayge has had her colorful buddies lined up on her desk. Some were even seasonal! Everyone knows the backstory: Nurse Fayge’s daughter collects the birds and they’re a tribute to her Hebrew name Zipporah. But where have they gone?
As bird enthusiast Sally Kada recalled, “Whenever I go to nurse Fayge’s office I walk in and I’m like ‘where did all the birds go?’ and she just says, ‘they’re gone’.”
Well this just in: exclusive intel has told us what’s really happening. “Same reason egg prices are up; Bird Flu,” revealed a reliable Fauxnix source.
It started with sniffles from the little white bird with the pom-pom hat, then
ford’s, where they demonstrated to a crowd of students how the famous red drink is made, then allowing them to follow the instructions to make their own red drinks.
“It was one of the best model lessons the school has ever seen,” explained Rabbi Beyda. “We hired them on the spot.”
In their free time, Alex and Jesus love playing tennis on the rooftop tennis courts. “Ever since we got our ID cards, we go up there every day after work, rain or shine, to play tennis,” Jesus shared.
The two will be appearing at the US Open next summer, having qualified for the men’s doubles tournament.
Additionally, Alex enjoys playing the popular video game Block Blast during his breaks. “It gives me the opportunity to unwind and relax after the breakfast and lunch rush,” he said.
sneezing from the plump bird with the messenger hat, and now it’s a full-fledged epidemic. Nurse Fayge, using her medical expertise, has ultimately decided that it’s time the birds get on bed rest so they can recover. For that reason, the birds have been cleared out.
It is said that the birds receive their daily medicine and are making a steady recovery, yet they are all unbearably embarrassed by their predicament. They have up until now refused to even allow Nurse Fagye to disclose the nature of their illness to the public. So what changed? The birds have become inspired from all the TV they watch on bedrest to advocate and spread awareness for the Bird Flu and its survivors, believing in the motto “Someone’s gotta do it.”
It is unknown when or if the birds will return to Nurse Fagye’s office, but we commend their bravery in facing this disease. Refuah shelaimah to all of our feathered friends!
Editors-in-Chief: Samantha Ryba, Sylvia Saad
School News Editors: Galiette Mita, Nina Tawil
Religion Editor: Katie Hidary
World News Editor: Victor Shemia
Features Editor: Raquel Gindi
Entertainment Editors: Leah Katash, Caroline Palacci
Fashion Editors: Irene Cohen, Rachael Kopylov
Fun & Games Editor: Margaux Lincer
Sports Editor: Colette Chehova
Business Editor: Emily Tarrab
Photography Editor: Bobbi Salama
Junior Editors: Elliot Cohen, Salomon Dayan, Yvette Dweck, Lili Hanan, Emme Nidam, Olivia Shamah, Olivia Shamayeva
Sophomore Editors: Lyla Ashkenazie, Shlomo Lahav, Sylvia Mizrahi
Design: Carolina Cohen
Faculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter
High School Administration
Rabbi Joseph Beyda, Head of School
Ms. Esther Hidary, Associate Principal
Rabbi Yigal Sklarin, Associate Principal
Dr. Michael Atlas, Associate Principal
Rabbi David Galpert, Assistant Principal
The Phoenix Staff
Mystery of darkened security booth revealed
By Sylvia Saad Editor-in-Chief
Since the installation of the security booth between the front doors of the building, many rumors have been swirling regarding what actually goes on behind those darkened doors. There has been talk of Jose using it as a weight room and Rich being held hostage there, but after further investigation those rumors have been proven false. A Fauxnix investigation revealed that the security guards are not utilizing the room for the safety of the students, but rather as a slime-making ring.
and extremely elaborate. Minions, all just vulnerable children, are being exploited as slime slaves and are forced to knead all types of slime at all hours of the day. No breaks are given. The minions are given banana-flavored slime once a day as their only meal. Many have lost their lives under these dire working conditions, and changes need to be made immediately.
Yeshivah Prep becomes cozy hotel
After bribing an anonymous source, we got into the highly guarded booth and are eager to expose the abuse of power. What we saw is difficult to put into words. Gallons and gallons of glue engulfed the floors of the room, making it difficult to breathe. The room that appears small from the outside is actually multi-leveled
The leader of the ring is not among the security crew, but rather lies in the administration. Dr. Atlas’s suspicious-looking glitter slime in his office should have been the first clue to his complicitness. The once-beloved principal must be named and shamed for his unforgivable actions. The abuse of child minions is extremely unethical and downright evil. The minion population is becoming extinct solely because of Evil Atlas’ actions. Name and shame! Name and shame!
Senior ski trip moved to YOF’s main gym
By Yvette Dweck Junior Editor
Senior ski trip will take place in the Yeshivah of Flatbush gym next year, now renamed the Flatbush Alps.
As many of the current Flatbush seniors may know, the school is making major budget cuts. “We really are looking to save money wherever we can,” explained Rabbi Sklarin, five time speed skiing olympic gold medalist. “The bus to take the students to and from Camelback was just too costly for us to do again.”
The best part about this new arrangement is that the basketball gym is already covered in mountains and hills. While the famous Flatbush flood destroyed the volleyball gym’s floors last year, Flatbush’s luck struck again as their brand new basketball gym’s floors turned into a mountain range this year.
Grace Minyan said, “of course I was upset when I learned that yet another thing was wrong with the Flatbush build-
ing, but then I realized that we have to make the best of things, or at least try to.”
Not only do the Flatbush Alps have the perfect terrain for ski slopes, but they definitely have the temperature. Every room in Flatbush is either boiling hot, or colder than the Arctic. All the faculty has to do is turn the air conditioning on, wait five minutes, and Flatbush will be even colder than Camelback. Then, when they get too cold, students can grab a hot chocolate from Rabbi Sklarin’s office and relax in one of the many overheated classrooms. You really get the best of both worlds in Flatbush.
In addition to the countless slopes on the Flatbush Alps, Rabbi Galpert is planning on building the first ever indoor ski jump. The jump is going to go from the guidance offices, through the mystery construction right outside the guidance offices, and off the gym balcony. “Of course I’m not going to be building this ski jump all on my own,” clarified Rabbi Galpert, “Instead of just getting their
By Yvette Dweck Junior Editor
Now that the new Yeshivah Prep building is finally done, the secret is out: Yeshivah Prep is becoming the YP Inn with Rabbi Setton as the manager. Yeshivah Prep students were extremely confused when they finally moved into their new building and found a dining room, fireplace, and couches. They thought they mistakenly went into someone’s house instead of their school. Then they were informed that their new building was temporary and in a month will be opening as the YP Inn.
Principal of Yeshivah Prep, Rabbi Setton, said, “When we first bought the space behind Starbucks we had incredible plans. We were going to turn it into the most comfortable and interactive learning space. As we continued to renovate the new building, it started looking more and more like an inn, so we just decided to scrap the idea of making a school, and started designing an inn.”
The YP Inn will come with all the amenities anyone can ever ask for. There’s a beautiful electric fireplace with two cubbies on either side. The best part about the cubbies is that they are cushioned, and not just by a piece of uncomfortable wood. In addition, there is an enormous family-style dining table with a wall-mounted table beside it. The wall-mounted table has the most modern high chairs, which could probably be found at a penthouse in the city. In addition to all those amenities, a pool table is on the way.
“We ordered the pool table last on purpose,” said Rabbi Setton. “I wanted
phones taken away for missing minyan, students would get to choose: a day with no phone, or a lunch period spent helping me build this jump.” Rabbi Sklarin even offered to give the senior with the highest jump a week of wearing slippers without repercussions.
Current juniors are surprisingly excited to have their ski trip in school next year. Junior Barbara Chehabar said, “I was just in Colorado a few weeks ago but I am much more excited to ski in Flatbush. The Rocky Mountains have nothing on the Flatbush Alps.” Additionally, junior Freida Cohen expressed her anticipation for the moguls: “The gym floor is so bumpy, it’s perfect.”
Meanwhile, the faculty is facing a huge predicament regarding the Flatbush Alps: whether or not to let snowboarders on the mountain. Between every period at the Yeshivah of Flatbush there is foot
to give the Yeshiva Prep students as little time as possible to wear it out before the Inn opens.”
The secret got out when the Yeshivah of Flatbush junior Audrey Dweck was mistakenly let into the Yeshivah Prep building. Dweck said, “I was going to pick my friend up for lunch when I was let into the building. The school had talked to me about switching to Yeshivah prep and the new building was definitely a pull.” Dweck started talking to her teachers and the administration about possibly switching to Yeshivah Prep when Alyssa Shamah revealed the big secret to her. “I didn’t want her to switch schools just for the building, only to find out later that it’s temporary and will soon become an Inn,” stated Shamah.
Even though the Inn is not open yet, they are already booked for months. Yeshivah of Flatbush student, Emily Leibowitz said, “This Inn is the best thing to happen to me. I live in Staten Island, and traveling back and forth to and from school every day is exhausting. Now, whenever I want to stay late in school I could just book a room at the YP Inn. I would even be able to go to regular Minyan.”
Athletic teams are also taking advantage of the new Inn. Next year both a volleyball tournament and hockey tournament are going to be held at the Yeshivah of Flatbush with schools from all over the country coming to participate and stay at the YP Inn. Varsity boys and girls volleyball coach Abie Silvers said, “The new Inn is so convenient. Now a team other than the basketball team can participate in a tournament as well.”
traffic in the hallways. It takes ten minutes just to get up the stairs after breakfast. Does the faculty want all of that traffic on the slopes? Do they want snowboarders sitting down in the middle of a trail to fix their bindings? Does the faculty want their skiing students to have to drag their snowboarding friends across the mountain? How about the fact that snowboarders scrape away all the snow, leaving the mountains icy?
Rabbi Sklarin voiced his concern for this issue to the faculty, saying “We really can’t have snowboarders ruining the mountain for us.”
When junior and avid snowboarder Aimee Hidary heard about Rabbi Sklarin’s stance on this issue, she said, “I don’t understand what people have against snowboarders. If anything, skiers are the ones leaving a mess all over the gym with their pole marks.”
Jose inspecting the product
There's nothing like brand new powder
The YP Inn is now accepting reservations
Flatbush offers valet parking for students
Continued from page 1
students to minyan,” Rabbi Beyda admitted. “We’ve outsmarted them yet again!”
Who’s actually doing the parking? A certain 15-year-old boy who claims he can drive any car except, apparently, a Tesla. While this may seem concerning, he has been through a remedial course and is now more adept at driving. “I hit only three cars last week, but two of them were Hyundais, so it doesn’t even count,” he said.
According to Early Bird’s policy, cars can be forced closer together to create an extra spot, and if all else fails, the sidewalk is fair game. Tipping is encouraged.
Finally, students can save their attendance records and simultaneously hand off the parking job to someone else.
“Walking into school at 7:48 instead of 7:55 was so refreshing,” says junior Mercedes Cohen. “I’m finally not being yelled at by every teacher in the lobby for being late, and I can run to Starbucks before school. It’s perfect!”
“I hate parallel parking, and I always wish I could drive without ever having to do that. Since I don’t live in Deal year round, this is the next best thing!” adds Ferrari Haddad.
So far, the system has been working beautifully, although there was one problematic incident when a student’s Cybertruck was mistaken by sanitation workers as a dumpster and was hauled to the city garbage dump.
Mr. Katz caught embezzling from library
Continued from page 1
explained. “He took only one page at a time.”
Sure enough, when the police and Rabbi Galpert raided Mr. Katz’s house, they found thousands of missing books, delicately taped back together.
When confronted, Mr. Katz remained calm and innocent. “I have no idea what you are talking about,” he responded with an unconvincing expression. “The books are exactly where they should be, our students are just particularly big on reading this year!”
Most devastated by the theft was senior Ray Levy. “All I ever want to do is read,” Levy said. “I can’t believe that guy destroyed my favorite thing in the world: books.”
Meanwhile, desperate students have no choice but to turn to other measures in order to keep up with their assignments, such as by reading PDF versions, or even—gasp—going to the public library that’s literally one foot away from
Peekaboo!
the school library.
Rumors that students have been reading SparkNotes and other summaries have not been confirmed.
D’var Torah: Your local rabbi’s Shabbat morning speech
By Katie Hidary Religion Editor
Purim is upon us, a day of simcha, and of Achdut. The Megillah tells us,
“The Jews had light, happiness, joy, and honor.” But what does that mean? Why four different words for happiness? Why not just say, “The Jews were happy.”? And why is the word orah, light, listed first?
But before we answer that, we must first discuss the deep symbolism of Hamantaschen. Three corners, representing the three Avot. Sweet filling hidden inside, symbolizing the hidden miracles of the Megillah. Apricot filling specifically.
But what’s the secret to finding these blessings? Perhaps it’s what the Gemara tells us: “
” — “When Adar enters, joy increases.” It doesn’t say joy falls from the sky. It says we must increase it ourselves. this teaches us that true happiness isn’t found in what happens to us, but in how we choose to see what happens to us.
Now, some commentaries say the reason Purim is so joyous is because it represents
, the great reversal. Haman wanted to destroy us, and instead, he was the one destroyed. Life is full of unexpected blessings, sometimes in the form of salvation, and sometimes in the form of bonus desserts.
Now, what was our original question again? Ah yes, why four words for happiness. My friends, the answer is simple: happiness comes in stages. First there is רוֹא, light, the moment we realize things might get better. Then הָחְָמְִשׂ, happiness when they do get better. Then ןוֹשָׂשׂ, deeper joy when we truly appreciate the miracle. And finally, רקִָּי, honor, when the photographer finally gets your good angle at the Purim chagiga.
So as we celebrate this Purim, may we all find the hidden sweetness, flip our own fortunes, and remember that whether life gives us three corners, אוּה
— things can always turn around.
Chag Sameach!
Flatbush debuts AP Structural Engineering and Architecture elective
By Rachael Kopylov Fashion Editor
As a result of the many complaints received by students about the lack of AP classes offered, CollegeBoard announced a new course that will come into fruition next year: AP Structural Engineering and Architecture. This course will be offered as a 9th period elective for juniors and seniors in Flatbush. CollegeBoard also released the curriculum that the AP exam in May will test students on. The course focuses on physics, architecture, and engineering principles. However, unlike most other STEM courses, AP Structural Engineer-
ing and Architecture will focus primarily on labs and “hands-on” work. In addition to the exam in May, students will be required to submit a portfolio of various architectural designs that utilize the structural engineering principles taught in the course. Unfortunately, due to logistical constraints, this project will be done digitally instead of using physical construction materials.
Using CollegeBoard’s new state-ofthe-art simulation software, students will be graded on their ability to virtually stack and arrange blocks in an 8-by-8 block grid, with the goal of making the tallest and most stable structure possible. In an effort to simulate real-world architectural stress, the simulation software will cause a row of blocks to disappear if the student stacks 8 blocks in a row, as this disrupts the airflow of a structure (as mentioned in Unit 1.4 of the AP curriculum.)
Dr. Shahar, the future teacher of this AP course, is ecstatic about the impact that it can make on the world. “I believe that this will inspire so many students to become architects and structural engineers, and make sure that those who do
will understand emotional regulation. It is difficult to watch a whole row of your structure disappear, but it does happen. That is why I am so happy that CollegeBoard included Unit 11, which focuses strictly on how to maintain composure when you lose your streak during the project,” he commented.
Many students are ecstatic about the introduction of this course and intend to take it as their 9th period elective, but many are skeptical as well. “This course seems eerily similar to Block Blast,” one rising junior expressed, “but if I can get AP credit for something I already do, then I might as well!” Neither the Flat-
bush administration nor Dr. Shahar has responded to the accusations that AP Structural Engineering and Architecture is a copy of, or at least inspired by, Block Blast. When asked for comment, a CollegeBoard spokesperson simply stated, “We take inspiration from a wide variety of rigorous academic sources,” before quickly changing the subject.
Nonetheless, these accusations do not appear to hinder students from taking the class. “Honestly, if playing Block Blast can get me college credit, this might be the greatest thing CollegeBoard has ever done,” said a rising senior.
By Rita Setton Contributing Writer
Chani and Crawford’s have long been vying for the most customers at Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School. But their rivalry has taken a new, musical turn.
During lunch periods and breakfast, students can be seen queuing up at both Chani’s stand and Crawford’s. The two are seemingly locked in an endless competition for customers, leading to a buildup of tension and resentment. Francisco, who operates Crawford’s, stated that his stand is “obviously better.” Chani mentioned that she “sells more things and is more affordable, so the school doesn’t need other food stands.”
Inspired by the famous beef between Kendrick Lamar and Drake, Chani decided to release a diss track this week. In fact, it was an entire album. The songs feature a rhythmic beat, with song titles
Entertainment
like “I Won’t Saff You” and “I’m Better.” Francisco declared that “he wasn’t going to take that,” and released a diss album of his own in retaliation. His album has a sinister beat, with song titles like “She
Don’t Know You Like I Do,” “There Ain’t No One Like Me,” and “I Got Carrots.”
The entire school has since been in an uproar. Students can be found listening to the music everywhere—in the Com-
The Very Hungry Caterpillar goes hard
By Margaux Lincer Fun & Games Editor
Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar presents itself as a charming children’s book, but beneath its vibrant illustrations lurks a tale of unchecked consumerism and reckless self-indulgence. Warning: spoilers below.
The caterpillar begins its journey with an innocent nibble of a leaf, only to spiral into a week-long binge reminiscent of the most excessive Wall Street appetites. Each day, the creature’s consumption escalates—fruit, cakes, pickles, even a piece of Swiss cheese—culminating in an existential crisis (also known as a stomach ache).
moderation. But no, Carle dares to suggest that the path to greatness is paved with greed and indigestion.
The moral of the story? Self-destructive overconsumption is seen on social media as an awe-ensuring metamorphosis into a butterfly. One might have expected a more fitting ending— perhaps a tragic lesson in
Carle’s signature college-style illustrations only serve to heighten the book’s deceptive appeal. The bright, textured artwork lulls the reader into a false sense of security, disguising the dark truth hidden beneath the vibrant pages. The tiny holes punched through each piece of food serves as a reminder of the caterpillar’s insatiable hunger in its endless quest for more, much like consumers today, always seeking the next indulgence. Behind the shiny designer bags and overflowing closets lies the same relentless appetite, a creature never fully satisfied, always reaching for more.
A masterpiece? Perhaps. A thinly veiled manifesto on the necessity of economic regulation? Almost certainly. Read at your own risk.
mons on speakers, where Rabbi Galpert has to intervene; in the library; and even during class with badly concealed Airpods. “The songs are fire,” commented freshman Miree Levy. They go down like a warm chocolate chip cookie from Francisco.
But it isn’t just the students who are obsessing over the music—it’s the faculty as well. An anonymous source revealed that upon walking into Rabbi Beyda’s office for a disciplinary meeting, Francisco’s track could be heard playing faintly while Rabbi Beyda appeared to be hard at work on his computer.
Some time after the initial release of the tracks, though, both Chani and Francisco realized that they were being slightly petty. Francisco apologized to Chani, who returned the sentiment with a smile. “It’s best to forgive and forget,” said Chani, “and a little competition is healthy sometimes, after all!”
Francisco and Chani will be performing together at next year’s Super Bowl.
Hebrew Play switching to Russian Chani and Crawfords’ beef erupts onto diss tracks Book Review:
By Sylvia Saad Editor-in-Chief
After 55 years of the Hebrew Play being a staple in Flatbush and a memorable tradition, the play will no longer be in Hebrew but in Russian! Due to the high influx of Russian students in school and in the Hebrew play cast alike, it makes more sense for the play to be in Russian.
“99% of the actors this year were Russians who barely speak Hebrew. It only makes sense to accommodate the vast majority,” Sally Shatkes, play director and Russia advocate, commented. “Besides, none of the kids in this school know Hebrew, anyway.”
After thousands of years of Hebrew preservation, it is time to modernize and appease mother Russia. Flatbush cannot fall behind in this modernization process and steps toward Russian integraion must be taken. Luckily, Hebrew has already been a dying language in Flatbush and a burden to uphold. Russian, on the other hand, is flourishing in the aisles of the library and beyond.
Though there have been requests to make the play in Arabic over the years, Flatbush would like to remind you that they are not a community school and they will not appease the wants of Syrian students. The Russians on the other hand? Of course. Especially since they carried the play on their backs this year and threatened to not participate without a language switch.
“It doesn’t make sense for us to learn
a whole new language when we can just speak in our mother tongue,” Joseph from Joseph and the Technicular Dreamcoat commented. If the admin did not comply with their demands immediately, the school would have had to say goodbye to the play, a tradition kept for decades. “We aren’t playing games anymore,” a group of anti-Hebrew protesters screamed from their riot outside of Rabbi Sklarin’s office. Fortunately for them, the principals quickly accepted before more chaos ensued.
As for the students in the audience, reactions were mixed. “I didn’t even realize the play was in Hebrew,” said one senior boy. “Honestly I don’t really pay attention. I just talk to my friends the whole time and then I clap when everybody else does.”
Ms. Shatzkes announced that next year's Russian Play will be The Death of Ivan Ilyich, a delightful comedy by Leo Tostoy about a middle-aged bureaucrat grappling with his mortality as he suffers from a painful illness.
Russian dramas are so much fun! Only a few characters die
Fun & Games
Ask Meryl Streep
Confession: I told my group I’d finish my part of the project last night. I didn’t, I’m just hoping they’ll do it for me.
Ah, yes the classic “academic freeloading,” also known as “the most inconsiderate people ever.” I hope your group members are as forgiving as they are frustrated. And remind me never to partner with you.
Confession: I “forgot” my gym shirt so often, Robyn just stopped asking me to change.
A masterclass in passive resistance. Gandhi would be proud. Your gym teacher? Not so much.
Confession: Sometimes I answer questions in class just to hear myself talk, even when I have no idea what I’m saying.
Truly inspiring. A modern philosopher in the making except instead of wisdom, you’re spewing elegant nonsense (so I guess a philosopher). Keep it up you might just confuse your way to an A.
Confession: I use a drying out ink pen in class just to see how long it will last instead of taking a new one.
Oooooh, someone’s playing Russian roulette. The adrenaline rush when the pen scratches out mid sentence must be exhilarating.
Confession: I say “can you repeat the question” just to buy time, even though I heard perfectly the first time.
A classic stalling tactic. You’re not fooling anyone, but hey, maybe in those extra three seconds inspiration will strike (it won’t.)
Standard of Fabulous
Ms. Erani hits the runway
By Emily Tarrab Business Editor
Only in her second year of teaching at Flatbush High School, English teacher Ms. Rachel Erani has officially announced her departure after receiving an offer from luxury brand Miu Miu to model for their Spring/Summer 2025 campaign. Known for her playful clothing style and personality, the halls of Flatbush will certainly feel the absence of her vibrant presence.
Ms. Erani’s love for all things fashion and aesthetics began back in 2013 while sitting as a student in Ms. Mica Bloom’s English class. Seeing Ms. Bloom’s elaborate hair care routine and bouncy, defined curls every day inspired Erani to follow her lead and become everyone’s favorite and most iconic “curly girl.” But this isn’t what led her to fame.
to inspire new designers and challenge the next generation to redefine what design, creativity, and individuality mean to them! She has successfully reeled in over $2 million in gross profits.
Phone-pocket skirts take over Flatbush
By Sylvia Mizrahi and Viviane Baghdadi
Flatbush has seen its fair share of trends, but none quite as bold—or as necessary—as phone-pocket skirts. This innovative garment has quickly become one of the most talked-about fashion statements of the year.
Inspired by the rise of cargo skirts and the universal frustration over a lack of useful pockets in women’s clothing, designers have taken things to the next level. Instead of just adding pockets, they removed everything else, resulting in a skirt made entirely out of phone pockets sewn together. The re sult? A skirt that eliminates the need for bags and purses.
“I won’t lie—at first, I thought the idea was absolutely ridiculous. But after experiencing a day without the struggle of dropping everything between classes, I’m convinced it’s pure genius,” an anonymous junior stated.
“The practicality is incredible,” said a junior girl. “I haven’t carried a bag in weeks. I’ve got room for my phone, AirPods, wallet, snacks, and even a fullsized water bottle.”
“I used to lose my phone five times a day,” said one sophomore. “Now, I have 90 different pockets to check before I panic, and it’s a game changer.”
After enrolling at the University of Pennsylvania with a concentration in hair care, Ms. Erani found herself with a lot of time on her hands. She then decided to branch out of the hair space and start her own handmade choker business, launching it on Instagram under the handle @ chokra_crochet_chokers. Impressed by her business tactics, Wharton students often approached her on the way to class, eager to snap a selfie and post it on social media. Her side gig soon gained traction and evolved into a full-time career.
Eventually, in 2017, she took orders from Hollywood stars Zendaya and Emma Stone, who wore her pieces on the red carpet. Her youthful and exuberant reputation, along with her luscious hair, garnered recognition as she grew on social media, leading to L’Oreal and Pantene hiring her to model for their new hair care products at the time. As a result, both their sales increased by 42.6%— which happens to also be the digits of Erani’s birthday (4/26)!
She continues to model hair but remains dedicated to her passion for jewelry making. As the entrepreneur she is, for the past six summers, Erani has run jewelry-making classes for kids aged 6 to 12 in the Deal, NJ, community. In what she calls “Ms. RayRay’s Studio,” she aims
Erani has become a household name in SY homes, serving as a prominent figure of confidence, joy, and empowerment. Hoping to spread this light even further, she became an English teacher at Flatbush, working hard to teach students the beauty of life and literature, and how different perspectives and interpretations shape each person’s creative mind.
With plans to expand the “Ms. RayRay’s Studio” franchise nationwide, luxury fashion houses have taken notice of the vibrant gem she is—a star on the rise. Miu Miu recently shared in a Vogue interview, “We are carefully selecting pioneering, kind-hearted, and empowering young women for our Spring/Summer ’25 campaign. Our goal is to radiate happiness, light, and showcase the beauty life has to offer.”
Miu Miu is the perfect fit for Erani, as she often arrives at school dressed in vibrant pastels and bold shades of pink, topped off with the perfect baseball cap or beanie. She truly embodies Miu Miu’s commitment to femininity and the concept of an “emancipated and conscious woman,” as the living, breathing definition of a “free spirit.” The Flatbush family is excited to see Ms. Erani light up the runway in Miu Miu’s unique, bold, and playful workwear!
According to Flatbush leg end, this new trend was born when a girl in a Central was walking into class and disas ter struck—her phone slipped from the precarious grip of her elbow crease, while her Aquaphor and two lip glosses slipped through her fingertips. She lunged to save them, only to knock over a water bottle, send three pens flying, and somehow disconnect the SmartBoard.
As she stood in the doorway watching the chaos, inspiration hit: the phone pockets that were right next to the classroom door. It was exact ly what she needed— sturdy, structured, and most im portant, covered with pockets. So the next day, she daringly came to school showing off her new skirt made of three phone pocket holders, containing a whopping 90 pockets.
Tsniut-core is trendy and eco-friendly
By Irene Cohen Fashion Editor
If you ever wondered where people around the world got the idea to wear long skirts like Centrals and hoodies on a daily basis, look at Flatbush students. It all started when a group of girls were walking around Ave J for lunch. One passerby saw their long black skirts, fell in love with the style, and spread the word. She publicized the idea that Centrals and hoodies are comfortable and sustainable, and the idea, now being called “tzniut-core,” went viral on TikTok.
In addition to being extremely stylish, the tzniut-core look is both econom-
ical and eco-friendly. This is all thanks to the so-called hand-me-down economy. The staple Central gets passed down sibling to sibling, cousin to cousin, or even through friends. The cycle does not only reduce clothing waste but ensures that the laundry room gets to see a Central pass through generations. This system has been so effective that some Centrals are rumored to be older than the students wearing them.
The sustainability doesn’t stop at skirts. Oversized hoodies are both sustainable and beneficial for the freezing classrooms and have become a staple for students. To avoid the horrific mistake of wearing the same sweatshirt twice, students started underground hood-
ie swaps. Through trading MadHappy hoodies each week, Flatbush students don’t stop saving the world. In fact, this unspoken system has become so efficient that even if someone buys a new hoodie, it’s only a matter of time before it enters circulation.
Long skirts and hoodies aren’t just comfortable, they are a worldwide movement started unknowingly by Flatbush students. This phenomenon shows you can be stylish and be eco-friendly at the same exact time. So next time you slip into your central and oversized hoodie, just remember, you’re not just following a trend, you’re part of a mission.
The practical invention has people going crazy all over. The popularity of the skirt has soared, with over 100,000 units sold in the past three and a half months alone, despite its high price point. The company’s slogan: “A skirt without pockets is just a fancy
However, not everyone is a fan. “It’s like someone took a pair of cargo pants and forgot to attach the pants,” said a freshman fashion critic. “The other day, I saw someone go into their pocket and pull out a pair of Brunch Slippers. I’m terrified.”
Despite the controversy, the demand for phone-pocket skirts have skyrocketed, with many still eager to try the trend for themselves. The latest maxi-length version is rumored to hold an entire Mishloach Manot, a megillah, a costume mask, and three flavors of Bissli, making it the perfect Pu-
The future is here—and
Coach Theil’s Pilates team makes championship
Gus and sophomore boy get “Freaky Fridayed”
By Colette Chehova Sports Editor
Flatbush Falcons pilates team has officially stretched their way to the top, securing a spot in the Yeshivah League Championships under the coaching of the legendary Giveret Theil. Coach Theil guided the Falcons pilates team through an undefeated season of stretching, synchronized reformer routines, and planking that landed themselves in the championships.
Giveret Theil is a lifelong advocate for strength, tefillah, and Hebrew fluency, which she combined in order to coach these girls to victory. Coach Theil starts every practice with a 10 minute peptalk in Hebrew on the power of tefillah in finding the strength to feed your soul, or neshama. “You cannot just strengthen the core,” Coach Theil explained, “You must strengthen your neshama as well.”
At the start of the season, no one ex-
pected the Falcons to dominate the regular season the way they did. The secret to their success, according to top pilates critics, are three words: “
.” While most teams do routines to upbeat music, Coach Theil repeats these three words in her calming voice and like magic, they win every time.
Opponents struggled to keep up as the Falcons executed effortless swan dives and impossible plank holds, all while maintaining the perfect kavannah.
“I don’t know what’s more intimidating, their flexibility or the fact that they recite Tehillim while doing leg circles,” said one shocked opposing coach.
Now as the championship approaches, Coach Theil strives to keep the players focused on the big picture. “If they win, ןיוִצמְ,” she said. “If they lose, they still walk away with something better: physical strength, a stronger connection to tefillah, and hopefully a good shidduch in the future.”
Sportsman Spotlight:
Elphaba defies gravity for quidditch team
By Colette Chehova Sports Editor
Elphaba Thropp, the rookie seeker on the Flatbush Falcons quidditch team, rose to fame after setting a world record for the quickest time to catch the Golden Snitch. Thropp, who transferred to Flatbush after getting kicked out of Shiz High School, wasted no time before showing her true talents on her wooden broom.
On Tuesday, the whole school gathered in the quidditch arena (the teachers’
parking lot) in anticipation of the game. The whistle was blown at 7:30 and, just 5.78 seconds later, Thropp swooped in on her broom and caught the Golden Snitch signaling the end of the game. Elphaba flew with her hand held high showing the cheering crowd the little golden ball.
On top of her record timing, the stormy sky made Elphaba’s catch even more impressive. “It was sheer determination to catch the snitch before it started to rain. As you know, the rain melts me so playing an outdoor sport is risky,”
By Samantha Ryba Editor-in-Chief
Recently, strange occurrences have been reported at the Yeshivah of Flatbush, leaving students and faculty bewildered.
Last month, chaos erupted when every boy in school received an F in gym on their report cards. Outrage quickly spread among students, teachers, and especially parents, as the grades were undeserved. After a month-long investigation, the shocking truth was finally uncovered.
On one regular morning in February, an anonymous sophomore and beloved gym teacher Gus unknowingly swapped bodies. At first, the sophomore had no idea what had happened to him. But after a week of confusion and strange encounters, he came to a startling realization— he was, in fact, inside Gus’ body. Instead of seeking help from medical professionals, spiritual leaders, or even witches, he made a bold decision: he was going to take full advantage of the situation.
What followed was pure chaos. The student-turned-Gus started hanging out in the teachers’ lounge every peri-
od, handing out failing grades on report cards, and stirring up trouble in detention, which, under normal circumstances, the real Gus was responsible for running. “I saw this as an opportunity for a new experiment, and I took it,” the anonymous boy shared, with no regrets.
Meanwhile, the real Gus also saw this change as an opportunity for fun. Instead of panicking, he decided this freaky swap was a sign he needed to take a break from coaching and embrace the carefree life of a sophomore boy. He racked up absences, played in the gym whenever he wanted, and took full advantage of the luxurious benefits of being a teenage boy. He enjoyed home cooked meals, slept on a queen-sized mattress, and placed orders through his “parents’” Amazon account whenever he pleased. “I didn’t want to mess with magic,” Gus admitted, unbothered by the new changes to his life.
As of now, details on how, or if, the two managed to return to their original bodies remain unclear. But one thing is clear: there is an unknown force walking through the hallways of the Yeshivah of Flatbush.
she stated after the game.
The spectators were astonished. Mr. Rothbort, a quidditch superfan, exclaimed, “I haven’t seen a catch like that since Harry Potter in 2002, and Ms. Thropp beat his record by 1.2 seconds!”
With Elphaba now leading the Yeshivah League leaderboard, the opposing teams are trying to change the rules to prevent future “instant victories” while others are scrambling for different strategies to stop this green seeker.
Shiz's loss is Flatbush's gain
Flatbush Falcons pilates team hard at work
Is it Gus or a student?