COLUMNIST
Avoiding Conflict in Your Marriage A ‘Harsh Start-Up’ to a conflict involves using criticism and blame to make a point. This kind of startup is ineffective and may affect the supportive functions of relationships, negatively affecting trust and commitment and causing others to question the motives, capabilities and sincerity of those involved while the real issue remains unresolved. Incidentally, the development of conflict resolution skills helps minimize these detrimental outcomes.
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arital conflict is an unavoidable part of life. We are, after all, individuals with several and occasional contradictory thoughts, needs and viewpoints. While conflict is inevitable in marriages and relationships, it is also ironic in that it is neither fundamentally good nor fundamentally bad; instead, it all comes down to how it is resolved. How a conflict conversation initiates plays a significant role in the direction of the entire discussion. For the most part, the conclusion of a ‘conflict conversation’ can be predicted based on the first three minutes also known as the ‘StartUp.’
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To the contrary, the ‘Relaxed StartUp’ represents a gentle opening to a conflict conversation. When approached in a non-confrontational manner, conflict can be constructive, improve communication, lead to the resolution of problems, provide opportunities for self- expression and refine interpersonal collaboration skills. A softened start-up is about complaining without blaming and encourages non-judgmental language and facial expressions that imparts respect for others. A gentler startup diffuses tensions, reduces cruel communication, protects both parties from feeling attacked or defensive and likely encourages the same communicative behaviors in the other person. This particular start-up will help you approach potential conflict conversations in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way, preventing tension escalation and potential damage to relationships.
By approaching probable conflicts in a non-threatening, non-confrontational way, we can alter the path of conversations, prevent escalation and protect both parties from feeling attacked or defensive. When verbalizing softened start-up statements, clients should focus on their feelings, needs and “I” statements as much as possible. Clients must also be mindful not to turn an “I” statement into a “You” statement that blames the other person. “I” statements must not be used to mask criticism. For example, a statement like, “I feel like you never help me take care of the children,” is still a harsh start-up because it blames the other person. You should focus on the facts of a situation and avoid exaggeration that depicts the other person in a negative light. After you’ve initiated your softened start-up, follow with a question such as, ‘How do you feel about what I just said?’ to show that you are open to discussing the issue and to listen to what the other person has to say. Remember, whether it’s in your tone or how you’re addressing someone—It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it! For any other tips, marriage, relationship or other counseling questions, please contact me at info@ iforeverwill.com; visit our website site at iforeverwill.com or call 832 900-0341.
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