Avoiding Conflict in Your Marriage

A ‘Harsh Start-Up’ to a conflict involves using criticism and blame to make a point. This kind of startup is ineffective and may affect the supportive functions of relationships, negatively affecting trust and commitment and causing others to question the motives, capabilities and sincerity of those involved while the real issue remains unresolved. Incidentally, the development of conflict resolution skills helps minimize these detrimental outcomes.

To the contrary, the ‘Relaxed StartUp’ represents a gentle opening to a conflict conversation. When approached in a non-confrontational manner, conflict can be constructive, improve communication, lead to the resolution of problems, provide opportunities for self- expression and refine interpersonal collaboration skills.

A softened start-up is about complaining without blaming and encourages non-judgmental language and facial expressions that imparts respect for others. A gentler startup diffuses tensions, reduces cruel communication, protects both parties from feeling attacked or defensive and likely encourages the same communicative behaviors in the other person. This particular start-up will help you approach potential conflict conversations in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way, preventing tension escalation and potential damage to relationships.

By approaching probable conflicts in a non-threatening, non-confrontational way, we can alter the path of conversations, prevent escalation and protect both parties from feeling attacked or defensive.

When verbalizing softened start-up statements, clients should focus on their feelings, needs and “I” statements as much as possible. Clients must also be mindful not to turn an “I” statement into a “You” statement that blames the other person. “I” statements must not be used to mask criticism. For example, a statement like, “I feel like you never help me take care of the children,” is still a harsh start-up because it blames the other person.

You should focus on the facts of a situation and avoid exaggeration that depicts the other person in a negative light. After you’ve initiated your softened start-up, follow with a question such as, ‘How do you feel about what I just said?’ to show that you are open to discussing the issue and to listen to what the other person has to say. Remember, whether it’s in your tone or how you’re addressing someone—It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!

For any other tips, marriage, relationship or other counseling questions, please contact me at info@ iforeverwill.com; visit our website site at iforeverwill.com or call 832 900-0341.

Hello Lovely,

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Mrs. Teri. I am a National Board Certified Christian Counselor. I offer this platform as a safe space to ask and receive.

Please submit your questions to: Askterilynn@gmail.com

Question 1: What does it mean when things are going good in your relationship and then your mate starts spending a lot of time on their phone and not engaging and distant? Is it a Red FLAG that they’re Cheating?

Hello Lovely!

Possibly. However, not hands down definitely. If your partner is ignoring you or isolating themselves w/ their phone, then the obvious is Yes, you have a RED FLAG!

This does not necessarily mean that, they are having an affair. It is however, an indicator that there is an emotional disconnect/ emotional distance.

This is a good time to check-in and apply the love languages. For example, if your love language is quality time, then lead with a plan (cook together, movie night pizza & popcorn or game night w/ a slammin throwback playlist, etc.). Try opening a non-threatening discussion opposed to negative statements,

“like you’re always on your phone!!!” Replace it with: “I look forward to having you All to myself, it feels good to have your attention when we’re together.

*Make the most of your quality time at home together (i.e. home improvement projects, cooking together, hobbies for two, playing games) or date night activities-bowling, poetry, etc. cooking, movie night w/ popcorn and cozy blankets for a fun night-in).

This is putting forth an effort which is, what I call, “sowing what you want to see.” A satisfied, encouraged, partner doesn’t make time to stray when they are living a full, meaningful life. If it continues, you may need to prepare yourself to make some changes. Blessing’s & Hugs to you, you GOT this!

Question 2: What is the best way to end an argument if we can’t seem to agree?

Hello Lovely, STOP!! That’s right STOP and simply say “I do not want to fight with you. I am doing my Best to live happy.”

Right then and there, be Honest and admit, if warranted apologize for the part you may have played, in the disagreement escalating. It’s liberating and its a concious cleanser to call out your own toxicity.

Wait for your partner’s response and if received, agree to RELEASE it & Refresh!!

This is a great method to keep your arguments from contaminating your environment.

Next, I suggest in a loving way that you both pray on it together and wait for an answer, that provides the best approach to manage the situation.

It’s important to make peace with yourself, your people and situations. This energy draws clarity, solutions and the opportunity to thrive in healthy spaces.

Blessing’s & Hugs to you

Question 3: How can I make myself stand out and be memorable? I have a friend and every time we go out people always recognize her and greet her with smiles, like they’re really glad to see her. I want that feeling when people see me.

I Love it!! A Social butterfly in the making.

Hello Lovely, Let’s begin with self!

Reflect on the following: How do you feel about you?

Are you pleasant and approachable? Do you feel good about yourself? How are you leading ie, (rbf) mean face, bored, anxious or spaced-out? Do you enter a room w/ wallls UP (boundaries)? Once you’ve checked your spirit that, will dictate the Energy/ Vibe you give when you arrive & what you’ll attract. Chose to lead with Joy and Peace in the moment, network or be pleasantly, social, not fake, just organically be good in that space.

If you like people, people will most likely, like you. Simply because, they feel good sharing their space with you. When you approach people, make eye contact and smile. In conversations listen to understand, this makes one feel good and cared for.

Observe and respond with validation and encouragement. Ask questions that are genuine, and be positive and sincere in your response. That, is the moment when you are organically connecting.

When you exit, express pleasant, genuine gratitude for the meeting, exchange numbers or Not, but, give a sweet goodbye such as, it was nice talking with you/ meeting with you and take care.

Teri and her husband, Tory are the Founders of “I Forever Will“. They are Purpose-Driven Marriage/Relationship Therapists and Radio/ TV Personalities.

For Couples/Individual Counseling: iforeverwill.com or askterilynn.com