~ “WHEN ONE OR BOTH OF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM AN APPARENT LACK OF WHOLENESS, OF ‘NOT-BEING-ENOUGH-NESS’, TROUBLE CAN EASILY FESTER.”
might be said of what we see in the mirror, on our CVs, in our
celebration of seemingly perfect people who are kicking
spouse. Is the glass half full or half empty?
all the life goals and then some, but at the very same time
In her popular book Not Just Lucky, Jamila Rizvi describes the ways in which the inner voice conditioned by society and the messages we have been receiving since childhood affect our
selling us things to make up the shortfall. “Because you’re worth it” the L’Oréal ads say. And how many of us have imbibed that as a mantra?
actions and ultimately our life outcomes, particularly in the
Hitting the shops, the internet, the gym, the fridge, Instagram
workplace; that darned creeping suspicion that we do not
when we are feeling dog awful about ourselves to just get a
deserve our place at the table, even if we have a Master’s
fix of feeling a bit alright momentarily; this is escapism with
Degree or PhD. “My inner voice says things that no polite
unfortunate consequences. Like finishing a 5k run all flushed
human being would ever say aloud to someone else.” And
and victorious, we emerge from the state of immersion
isn’t that right? On finishing my best friend’s Callanetics
in whatever activity it is that keeps us from feeling utterly
class (think ballet meets Pilates and lots of achy muscles
inadequate, only to feel guilty and shameful and stupid and
the next day), I exclaimed to her via a text message, “That
fat, because we know, know, know that these are NOT the
was brilliant! You are an excellent teacher! Witty, clever, full of
things that make us whole. Not the new mascara tube, not
knowledge, a gentle but firm instructor, and so pretty to look
the pretty shoes, not the designer handbag, not the smaller
at!” I would NEVER say such things to myself. But perhaps
bottom, not the Cadburys, nor the Instagram muse …
that’s what girlfriends are for? Or husbands? Filling the confidence gap? I know it’s not just women. It’s men, too.
What does this mean for marriage? When one or both of you are suffering from an apparent lack of wholeness, of
I’ve seen my husband overcome hurdles and fears and
“not-being-enough-ness”, trouble can easily fester. Affairs
inadequacy and push back tears when he was just about
have been had solely on the basis of one partner feeling bad,
on the brink of devastation amid a cyclonic storm of
downtrodden, unacknowledged, unloved, lacking attention,
circumstances only to be delivered the very next day into
and needing to find that something or someone who sees
much quieter waters. He’s mentally much more adept than
them, wholly and wonderfully, for who they are. This may
I at talking himself off a cliff. I’m too quick to give in and
temporarily bolster their self-esteem while the other partner
succumb, like a life raft adrift. But I’m working on it, because
goes about life unwittingly inattentive, or aware but in denial,
I do not want “I couldn’t” or “I can’t” or “someone else will do
of what is going on.
it” or “I wish I had …” to be the message that my daughters receive because I was plagued with self-loathing and the “not being enoughs”.
And if not another person, the void could easily be filled with other things. I’ve been known to hit up Booktopia like a gambler at the pokie machines when I’m feeling unmoored,
The whole world appears to be dead set on reminding us
the idea being that if I can just have that book, hit the button
that we are not enough, through its barrage of images and
so the magical package arrives in my PO Box the next week,
