Whats Up Xtra Magazine Southwest May 2014

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FLASHBACK PHOTOS PUZZLES LIVE MUSIC CORNER JOKES BOTM CONTEST ASK THE WINO... LA LA LETTERS

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Izzy’s & American Legion Post 1080 Presents

A Meatloaf Cookoff Benefit for disabled and homeless veterans.

Where: 507 THEODORE ST. JOLIET When: Saturday May 17th noon to ??? $10 to Enter Contest and $5 to Eat

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Rules and Regulations provided when you enter

Domestic Cash prize for 1st, 2nd and 3rd Bottles Raffles / 50/50 / Music Additional parking with shuttle service at St. Joe’s Park grass area.

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MAGAZINE

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Zee’s 7958 W Belmont 1 WHATS UP XTRA

keith romack publisher

8 news and stuff

Kara

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10 OUT AND ABOUT PHOTOS

Lisa romack Sales Director

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READ THE MAGAZINE ONLINE go to facebook What’s Up Xtra Magazine TO ADVERTISE CALL 773.213.4597

13 HOROSCOPE 14 Featured bartenders 15 BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2014 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.

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diane serbentas photographer

22 are you smarter than chester 24 la las love letters

ted phillips photographer

25 Sudoku and crossword puzzle 26 live music corner 28 tales from the chris

Front page photo taken at Zante Lounge Orland Park

Robert Christiansen Column Writer

30 OUT AND ABOUT PHOTOS

CHECK OUT

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GO TO FACEBOOK TO SEE & TAG YOUR PHOTOS

Joliet Dave Contributing writer lauren strec contributing writer

We are always on the lookout for dynamic writers, photographers and sales staff to contribute to our publication If you are interested in joining our team or interested in advertising opportunities contact us at 773-213.4597 or email: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM


Friday & Saturday $5 Premium Margarita’s

Monday $5 Pizza & $1 Drafts

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Car Maintenance A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

Thursday $12 Buckets

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Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others. Jack Kornfield, American author, teacher of Buddhism

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, neither."

Taxi Service Three drunken guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. He told them. “We are here.” The first guy gave him money & the second guy said "thank you”. The third guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But he asked "what’s that for?". The third guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!". FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE

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News & Stuff

Beer Drones

Just when you thought drones were just evil tools of the CIA, a clever marketer for a Minnesota beer company brewed up an idea to use a drone to deliver some cold ones onto the ice for deprived and lonely ice fishermen. To the Federal Aviation Administration that did not sound like a mission of mercy and it pulled the plug on that plan.

Facebook Tip Shutting down Facebook videos Facebook videos are now playing as soon as you scroll over them. How annoying can that be? According to gizmag.com, there is a fix for this in the browser Google Chrome. In the latest version of Chrome, open a new tab. In the address field of the new tab, enter the following: chrome://settings/contentExceptions#plugins

The U.S. is the largest producer of drones, but the U.S. seriously lags behind as a user of drones. There are serious reasons why the FAA is moving slowly on approval of commercial uses for drones, which have been effectively banned in the U.S. For one reason, the U.S. has an extraordinarily complex and busy airspace, forcing the FAA to move methodically, and slowly, to more drone approvals.

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Last fall, the FAA certified two commercial drones to work in the Arctic to gauge ice pack and whale migration, projects of ConocoPhillips.

It's a way to stop smartphone users from becoming their own jokes or disasters. For example, Joe’s walking down the street while texting and trips on the curb he didn’t realize was in front of him diving head first into traffic.

Thousands of commercial uses exist in industry and farming: Mapping, aerial field fertilization, more romantic uses such as taking aerial shots from the air for the movies. And, you know, for delivering beer. Overseas, drones are already being used on work sites in remote areas that have typically required manned aircraft. Mining companies use drones and 3-D maps of mines that software uses to calculate how much material has been removed. A Swiss company uses them to measure gravel pits, quarries and landfills. They say it's fast and efficient. The drone heard round the world came from amazon.com's proposal to use them for package delivery. But that might take years to come about.

Edible Packaging?

Transparent Texting That's what Apple's patent application calls it.

Transparent texting tries to fix this by taking the text and placing it over live video pictures of what is in front of the users. "A user who is walking while participating in a text messaging session may inadvertently collide with or stumble over objects in his path because his attention was focused on his device's display instead of the path that he was traversing," according to the patent filed in the US. A study by the University of Buffalo found recently that texting and walking results in more injuries than driving and texting. However distracted driving injuries are more severe and often deadly. Another option, text when you’re sitting down.

Stoneyfield, the environmentally conscious organic yogurt maker, recently said it will ultimately eliminate the plastic yogurt container. Instead, it's now offering Frozen Yogurt Pearls at Whole Foods grocery stores in Boston. The product comes in a flavored, all-natural skin, like the skin on a grape. On the inside will be frozen vanilla or chocolate yogurt. The edible skin will be flavored like peach, banana, coconut or strawberry. Co-founder Gary Hirshberg says that if the product is successful, he hopes to use a version of it with his company's organic yogurt and other products.

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Every Wednesdays Open Jam hosted by New Orleans Beau and the Big Easy - 8:30 til 12 Karaoke Every Sunday - 8 til close

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Breaking Bad

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Rock This Way

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Double D and the Sensations

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Under D Influence plus Special Guests Breaking Badd and The Getty’s Band

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Two awesome female singers Classic Rock

Long awaited return - These Guys Rock!

Aerosmith Tribute and a lot more

Great music from the 50’s and up

Three rockin’ bands for the price of none

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Righteous Hillbillies

Southern Rock at it’s best!

Karaoke

Come out and celebrate Jessica’s Birthday. You won’t want to miss this one.

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30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself Credit: marcandangel.com

#1. Start spending time with the right people.

#16. Start cheering for other people’s victories.

#2. Start facing your problems head on.

#17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations.

#3. Start being honest with yourself about everything.

#18. Start forgiving yourself and others.

#4. Start making your own happiness a priority. #5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. #6. Start noticing and living in the present. #7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. #8. Start being more polite to yourself. #9. Start enjoying the things you already have. #10. Start creating your own happiness. #11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. #12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. #13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. #14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. #15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself.

#19. Start helping those around you. #20. Start listening to your own inner voice. #21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. #22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. #23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. #24. Start working toward your goals every single day. #25. Start being more open about how you feel. #26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. #27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. #28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. #29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. #30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.”

Solving Math Problems The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

“There is only one boss. The customer. And he can fire everybody in the company from the chairman on down simply by spending his money somewhere else.” Sam Walton, founder of Walmart

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Illinois, and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthing but my earrings."

Fine For Dumping The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'" FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE

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What’s

On Tap

There's obvious benefits to tending bar: fast money, short hours, hookups on drinks, and the ability to sleep until noon on Monday. We're vampires in that we stay up all night, drinking blood(y marys) and feeding off others' energy. But the benefits aren't limited to money and liquor, and sometimes the best things in life are free, like getting eyes from a by Ashlee Schultz hot stranger or the learned art of social engineering. Bartenders hack into lives with the perspective of a fly on the wall, witnessing first dates, girl fights and ex-army buddies reliving the glory of past times over a couple pints of Budweiser. Tending bar is like gallivanting around a party in an invisibility cloak, unintentionally eavesdropping on conversations, learning what those around you believe in and what they're afraid of. These tidbits of information translate to life outside the bar, and there's a lot to learn from a few drunken slurs. I got my first gig as an undergrad in art school. Far from the party type, my friends and I went to punk rock shows on the weekends and drank 40s in alleys instead of the bar. I wasn't shy, simply comfortable in my discomfort with regard to socializing and preferred to keep my friends where I knew them. The manager who'd hired me, Scott, picked up on my lack of social enthusiasm pretty quick, and, like any good bar manager, challenged it. "Go stand by that group of guys and talk to them for five minutes," he said, pulling up the clock on his iPhone. "If you come back here before the time is up, don't bother coming in for your next shift." I doubt he would have fired me, but because I liked my job, I put my tail between my legs and sulked over to the table. "He... hey guys. How's it going?" I asked, descending into my personal five minutes of hell. Turns out, I didn't burn alive as I hung around them awkwardly, the way cigarette smoke lingers on a stale, windless day. I can't remember their names or what they drank, but I know we exchanged a few quips and easy laughs. As I crawled back to my boss, face red and eyes lowered, I realized the golden rule of human interaction: everyone wants to feel connected. People crave closeness; it's why they go out in the first place. It doesn't matter if one of you is in uniform, or if one of you is slightly intoxicated. Truly connecting happens when people engage in a vulnerable and conscious way. It goes a long way to be able to talk to anyone about anything. All you have to do is ask the right questions. Mirror their movements. Stop talking about the weather because the weather doesn't give a damn about you.

Follow me on Twitter: @ashleeschultz

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ASK THE WINO... About America

Wino: Willie Mason Likes: black licorice, toothpicks, back rubs Dislikes: cats, car alarms, Satan Drink of choice: Popov (100 proof)

Jason, a commercial printer asks: Should responsible Americans be allowed to own firearms?

Wino: Shit! It don't matter to me none...I can't get one anyhow. But if I did get one, I'd walk right up to that devil Wilford Brimley and shoot him in the goddamn eyeball! I tell you what!!!

Suzanne a student asks: Where do you see America as a nation in 10 years?

WIno: Shit. I can’t see into the future. Who do I look like…some kinda voodoo witchdoctor?! I’m a simple man, and I like simple things…like lollipops in my mouth and butter in my ass!

Katie a bartender asks: America is country with a lot of problems. Lots of sick people don’t have access to medicine and the public school system is a mess. How can we expect to fix anything? Wino: I’ll tell you what they need to do. They need to run these goddamn gypsies outta town. Just last week, some gypsy hell-demon stole my man-parts while I was sleepin’. Now I gotta squat like a whore every time I take a piss. That ain’t no way to live. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM


The Nightmare Birthday Gift!

Happy Mother’s Day

Its Jim's birthday, so his wife decides to surprise him, she takes him to a Strip Club. At the club... DOORMAN: Hey Jim! How are you? WIFE: How does he know you?

Sunday May 11, 2014

JIM: We play Golf together! BARTENDER: The usual beer Jim? WIFE: And how does he know you? JIM: He's on the Bowling Team! HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jim? The Wife storms out... dragging Jim with her, into a taxi! TAXI DRIVER: Hey Jimmy boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel? Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... the power to choose, to respond, to change.

Monday May 26, 2014

Stephen Covey, consultant, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

MAY HOROSCOPE ARIES: This summer and fall, you'll notice that digital communication makes your persuasive abilities stronger in an exciting new way. You communicate more effectively.

LIBRA: When your world seems beset with problems, stop and take a deep breath. Tackle them one by one if possible. Solve an "easy" problem first so you can see progress.

TAURUS: In days to come, your intellectual energy creates success. Your creative abilities will be at their apex, helping to find solutions with ease.

SCORPIO: Travel, be it for fun or for work, will take up a lot of your time this year. So keep a suitcase packed and ready for when good fortune knocks on your door.

GEMINI: You may have to work hard for it, but your summer and fall will be dominated by making strong connections in one area your life or work. It has been lagging.

SAGITTARIUS: The stars predict that your summer will be lucky, busy and productive. It could be that a new product or innovation will put your work in the spotlight.

CANCER: Soon, you could become more involved with a family elder or a parent. It could be challenging, but your view of him or her could change enormously within days. LEO: A new perspective is a fine thing, but in time it loses its edge and becomes something you take for granted. A relationship could be like that. Refresh your enthusiasm. VIRGO: Financial surprises can knock your finances off track. To get fewer surprises, make a calendar that shows when to pay taxes, vacations, insurances, birthdays, etc.

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CAPRICORN: At this lucky time, you will achieve a boost in forging new understandings with business contacts to the point where transactions are conducted more smoothly. AQUARIUS: When a person is gloomy, things go wrong. When a person is cheerful, things go right. Direct your energy toward the bright tomorrows you want to create. Smile. PISCES: You care passionately about justice and take a stand against prejudice. This month ask yourself honestly about your own prejudices.

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who’s your favorite bartender?

WIN MOS S P T VO TO ART TES Y 24 FR FOR IEN U DS P

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Any bartender is eligible: Go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine. ‘Like’ the page and ’Like’ or Comment on the bartenders photo or comment on a bartender you’d like to support or TEXT ONLY (NO PHONE CALLS FOR VOTES) @ 773.213.4597. The winner who receives the most votes via text & facebook will receive a 4 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends. Rules on Page 21

Bianca Dirty Sock

9300 S Roberts Rd, Hickory Hills

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5805 W 87th St Oak Lawn

Katie X’s & O’s 7801 W 79th Bridgeview

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Grace Durbin’s 5406 W 79th St Burbank

Monique Pete’s Krash 7122 S Harlem Ave Bridgeview

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APRIL BARTENDER OF THE MONTH x

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LAURA ZANTE LOUNGE 8888 W 159TH ST ORLAND PARK Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 213.4597 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote by hitting “like” on the bartender’s photo .

*The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service.

Only two votes are counted per person and voting polls close on May 20th.

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It’s 2014, Where Can I find your App?

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For info, call 773-213-4597

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One Liners...

Why was the soldier pinned down? He was under a tack. My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records… …until I got kicked out of the library. Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder. What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede. Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s son? His son, he’s a little Bigger.

What do you call someone that doesn’t fart in public? A private tutor. I was going to buy a pocket calculator… …but then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have? I want to give a special thanks to sidewalks… …for keeping me off the streets. Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating? They’re in a stable relationship.

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What font is alphabet soup in? Times New Ramen.

I went to a zoo, and the only animal there was a dog… …it was a shitzu.

What rock group has four members who don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback. I can see 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision. To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. You will pay, you have my Word. Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber. They told me my blood was Type-A. But it was a Type-O. What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison. What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down some stairs? A condescending con descending.

I met a girl at a soccer game… …I think she’s a keeper. Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it! Went to the opticians the other day, guess who I bumped into. Everyone. I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator. I’m taking this sh** to a whole new level. What did the angry doctor say? I’m losing my patients!

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

Just saw the Lego movie… Seemed a bit pieced together to me.

What’s the difference between a Greyhound depot full of old people and a crab with big boobs? One’s a crusty bus station, and the other’s a busty crustacean.

So I used to be addicted to soap… …but I’m clean now.

What did the farmers wife say when he told her he was afraid to grow vegetables? JUST GROW A PEAR!

I don’t trust graphs… …they’re always plotting something.

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I put my root beer into a square glass… …now it’s just beer. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bedtime.

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Registration 8:30 am Sullivan’s, 4660 W. 147th St, Midlothian $5.00 Breakfast 8-9AM

Raffles * Door Prizes * FREE Bike Show * Run Pins to First 700 Bikers * Live Music and Food at the post-run party

Walk-Ins and Non-Run Participants are invited to the Post-Run party at Sullivan’s, 4660 W. 147th Street, Midlothian starting at 1:30 pm $15 entry fee donated to Park Lawn * Food, Live Music and More! Post run party is open to all 2 wheels and 4 wheels – RAIN OR SHINE!!

Park Lawn’s mission is to provide services that promote independence, choice and access to community living for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities. 708-425-6867 * Park Lawn * 10833 S. LaPorte * Oak Lawn, IL 60453 www.parklawn.com * facebook.com/parklawncharity FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE

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After a scuffle, the manager pinned the thief against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than 10 items."

Two Caterpillars Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get me up in one of those things."

Putting Up With Jocks The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire history department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered, "look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he said. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

A Slice of Pie 1. What toy was based on empty pie tins thrown by Yale University students? a-Hula hoop, b-Frisbee, c-Yo-yo, d-Super ball. 2. In 2000, who had a hit with a cover version of the Don McLean song, "American Pie"? a-Lady Gaga, b-Fergie, c-Madonna, dFiona Apple. 3. Who starred as a pregnant, pie-making waitress named Jenna in the 2007 movie "Waitress"? a-Keri Russell, b-Lea Michele, c-Ashley Johnson, d-Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. 4. How many wedges fill the pie piece in the game of Trivial Pursuit? a-4, b-5, c-6, d-8. 5. What letter follows pi in the Greek alphabet? a-Upsilon, b-Rho, c-Sigma, d-Zeta. 6. The Pie Hole was the name of a pastry shop on what TV series? a-"Men in Trees," b-"Pushing Daisies," c-"Northern Exposure," d-"Wonderfalls." 7. "I Think I'm Having a Relationship with a Blueberry Pie!" and "My Granddaughter Has Fleas!" are compilation books of what comic strip? a-"The Family Circus," b-"Marmaduke," c-"Garfield," d-"Cathy." 8. What actor played dimwitted jocks in the movies "American Pie" and "Election"? a-Chris Klein, b-Ashton Kutcher, c-Matthew Bomer, d-Chris Pine. 9. Tamara, the Queen of the Goths, is served a meat pie made of the flesh of her own sons in what Shakespeare play? a-"The Tempest," b-"Titus Andronicus," c-"Coriolanus," d-"The Winter’s Tale." 10. Which character on "The Big Bang Theory" was nicknamed "Moon Pie" by his grandmother? a-Howard Wolowitz, b-Sheldon Cooper, c-Rajesh Koothrappali, d-Leonard Hofstadter.

Answers

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6-b,"Pushing Daisies" 7-d, "Cathy" 8-a, Chris Klein 9-b, "Titus Andronicus" 10-b, Sheldon Cooper

The manager of a grocery store nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

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1-b, Frisbee 2-c, Madonna 3-a, Keri Russell 4-c, 6 5-b, Rho

The Lighter Side A Shoplifter

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SPORTS SHORTS

Champions Tour To Include A Par-3 Course For the very first time, the PGA Tour is sanctioning a tournament that will include a par-3 course. On June 2-8 the Big Cedar Lodge Legends of Golf will feature a two-man team competition on Big Cedar's par-3 Top of the Rock course. Designed by Jack Nicklaus, the Top of the Rock course is about 1,500 yards long, with holes from as short as 70 yards for the second hole to the third hole at 240 yards. The course is located in the Ozark Mountains of Missouri about 15 miles south of Branson. Big Cedar Resort also includes the 18hole Buffalo Ridge course designed by Tom Fazio. The field will include two divisions, for players 50-65 and 65 and older. After rounds played on Friday and Saturday at Buffalo Ridge and Top of the Rock, all contestants will play Top of the Rock in the final round. Top players who have indicated that they will play include Jack Nicklaus, Hale Irwin, Gary Player, Lee Trevino and Missouri native Tom Watson. "I hope my friends and fellow pros will find this to be an enjoyable test of golf, while showcasing the benefits of par-3 golf," Jack Nicklaus said. Tim Finchem, PGA Tour Commissioner said the tournament will encourage people to play par-3 golf. For newer golfers, a par-3 is more enjoyable. "We're bringing not only a golf tournament here, but we're bringing an element of fun," says Tom Watson.

Hypothetical or Reality A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

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La La’s Love Letters Dear La La, I started dating someone that I really like, but I’m not sure how to approach taking our relationship to the next level. Sometimes I feel like let’s keep having fun and whatever happens, happens, and another part of me feels we should talk about where each of us are in this relationship. What should I do? Unsure Anita

By Lauren Strec

Dear Anita, Life is too short, and there are too many awesome people out there, to put yourself through any angst. You like this guy, and you want a commitment. You can’t bury your feelings; your question is NOT going to go away. So, bite the bullet and just ask. It doesn’t have to be some deep, serious convo; it’s a point-blank question. Take a shot of vodka if you need to. Yes, there is a risk of loosing him, but what’s worse: making yourself suffer because you’re always wondering, or not being with someone who is not on the same page as you. Your time is valuable; take charge. Dear La La, I’m a nice guy looking for a long term girl friend. I have been in relationships and have been very nice to my girlfriends and all my friends. However, this particular girl I was dating said she was looking for a nice guy (which is me), and over night she said she meet someone else, it seems that this situation happens all the time to me. How can I find a nice girl that wants to be in a long term monogamous relationship. Nice Guy Tommy Dear Tommy, The term, “nice guy,” has GOT TO GO. Although those words mean exactly that (you are a guy, who is nice), what they actually scream is, “I’m a huge pussy.” Are you nice, or are you just ass-kissing at this point? No one likes the latter; it’s boring and annoying. There’s a lot more to relationships, than just being nice. Relationships have disagreements, opposing opinions, and CHALLENGES. And the best part of sexual attraction is the aggressiveness of someone taking what they want. Make these edits: Be chivalrous, not nice. Change your outlook from “the victim trying to find a girl,” to “the catch who is screening the perfect match.” Stop labeling yourself as the “nice guy,” and instead call yourself the “strong guy,” due to your mental strength/tolerance. Once you take on a side of yourself that is not putting women on a pedestal, things will flow a lot more smoothly.

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Dear La La, I’m having trouble communicating with my husband. He has his rules around the house and I have mine. I just don’t feel like I need to make the rules black and white. It creates tension when the house rules that we agreed upon are not followed, I should mention there are kids in the household. Should house rules be flexible or black and white? Sue Dear Sue, Sounds like you two need to sit down and re-write your family constitution. You two are a team, so why are there two sets of views? Your husband is living in a fantasy land if he doesn’t believe he has to compromise to set a structure. And that goes for you, as well. There are always variables! What can be flexed, and what should be black and white, needs to be determined by you BOTH. Your current opposing views are going to lead the children to a “just ask mom” scenario, which will then lead to arguments between you two. Have a meeting, and get on the same wavelength ASAP, in order to set both rules AND guidelines that you can both confidently enforce. Dear La La, We all have insecurities, fears, failures, painful memories, and just all around unattractive stuff we’re hiding in the back of our closet. But just because you want to pretend your monsters don’t exist doesn’t mean they’re just going to magically go away. I’m thinking of getting married and want to be completely honest. Am I overthinking my fears? Honest Harry Dear Harry, You realized it yourself: we all have some deep, dark secret shit hidden away. Although your particular circumstances are unique to your life, the overall foundation of keeping things to yourself is nothing unordinary. It’s not a big deal. However, if you are now bringing another person into your life, and the secret(s) are going to affect them, then yes, that other person should understand what they’re about to get into. So, tell your partner about your credit card debt, but keep in the closet that one time you let Fido lick peanut butter off your balls.

Lauren is a spokesmodel for tv, radio, live events, blogging and social media. Connect at Facebook.com/LaurenStrec for tidbits, news and fun photos

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Ashleigh Ashton

live music

By: Joliet Dave

In a world where studio enhanced trickery determines success over actual artistic talent, Ashleigh Ashton is a breath of fresh air. At just 18 years of age, Ms. Ashton is not just a motivational speaker and actress, but a rising star among area singer/songwriters. Stylistically, Ashleigh is a pop artist with undertones laced in modern country. Unlike most in her age group, her tunes are not watered down children songs churned out by songwriters that have watched too much of the Disney channel. Instead, her art displays maturity far beyond her years both musically and in terms of subject matter. At the same time however, she is still completely accessible to her peers. Tackling heady subject matter such as fear of loss and the changes that come with it (“Criminal”) or as on the single “Break In Two”, which deals with bullying, Ashleigh can produce music that touches a wide audience, regardless of age. Clearly her forte’ is ballads, and while the songs are very well written with intelligent lyrics and hook laden melodies, I hope she will churn out a few more up-tempo numbers. “Fall Out Of Love” is brilliant with its use of bass as a lead instrument and made for radio hooks but stands out even more so because it’s an up-tempo island in a sea of ballads. What really sets Ashleigh apart though is that she makes every tune count so there is no filler here. The music business is rife with “songwriters” that use a formulaic approach in order to keep churning out drivel but every one of Ms. Ashton’s tunes are thought out and well written. Normally, it’s the real artists like Pete Berwick, Devils In Angels, Psycho Sister and others that work hard and produce great material yet still get overlooked in the industry. In the case of Ashleigh Ashton however, she is getting the recognition she deserves. Fresh from her victory at the Chicago Independent Music Awards for “Pop Artist of the Year 2014”, a music video produced for “Break In Two” and a co-authored book titled “Break In Two: How I Survived Bullying and How You Can Too” about to be released, Ashleigh is undoubtedly a star on the rise. From her start at age 9 singing karaoke in bars, she has since gone on to perform at festivals in New York and Florida, the Nashville Palace as well as venues around Chicagoland. In 2011 she sang and danced in a nationwide T-Mobile commercial and was a featured performer in the PBS program “Fear No Art Chicago”. On top of all this, she has also been a featured speaker, talking to teens in several high schools and the University of Wisconsin on the subject of bullying, a topic that she unfortunately, knows all to well. While you may expect this young adult to be a diva-in-waiting, she is far from that. Coming from a large family of talented siblings, Dad Michael and Mom Kelly keep everyone grounded while at the same time encouraging the creativity that stirs within their offspring. I first became aware of her three years ago through Facebook and every opportunity we’ve had to talk, comment, share a link or “like” gig announcements, she has always been down to earth and obviously grateful for the success that she has had so far. It’s been amazing watching as she progressed from solo gigs in pizza restaurants to festival stages and video shoots. Ashleigh explained it to me this way, “Every bit of the journey has made me who I am and it has been awesome! I love when my music can be felt and when it makes a difference to someone.” Talent in the house doesn’t stop with Ashleigh however as her sisters Alexa (“Wednesday Knight”) and Kaleigh-Michelle Wood handle guitar and keyboards respectively. Along with friend Jonah Andrews on drum duty, the band is looking forward to hitting stages throughout the summer. When asked what advice she would give to young performers just starting out in the industry, Ashleigh said, “The music business is really all about connections, as anything good in life is and there is no fast and easy way. If you love it, do it and have fun with it.” She when on to add, “Not everyone is going to love you but if you are happy and know what you are doing touches people, that is all that matters.” You can check out the music of Ashleigh Ashton at www.ashleighashton.com or on Facebook. She will be appearing live at the Chicago French Market, located at 131 N. Clinton in Chicago on May 3rd and May 22nd at the F.A.M.E. (Foundation of Artists Mentored in Entertainment) event at Columbia College in Chicago. In between she will be performing for 4 days at the Montauk Music Festival in Long Island, New York May 15th-18th.

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TA L E S F R O M T H E C H R I S

Air Ball! By Rob Christiansen

In LA, I board a NY bound commercial flight whereon, due to rainouts and conflicts in rescheduling, the Dodgers and Mets will play a baseball game. It promises to be just like “Snakes on a Plane,” only different. (I’ve edited Air Ball! since I first scribbled it in the late ‘eighties.)

“This is cool!” I said, buckling myself into a window seat. The girl sitting next to me in the middle seat jokingly advises me not to “hit” on her. We laugh at her pun, and I admire her hair in a Sunday bun, but then she says, seriously, that the third baseman is her boyfriend. It isn’t surprising, then, that the cordoned-off aisle seat is third base. The Mets get last licks because the pilot says so and he has to land the plane. The Dodgers score on a Pedro Guerrero home run that smacks the rear bathroom door. A voice from within the bathroom politely said, “Just a minute.” Mets’ Darryl Strawberry homers down the right field line. The ball breaks a window and vanishes. “That ball is gone!” Harry Caray announced. The game, telecast nationally, features Harry, whom NBC wanted. Curiously, the network had promoted the game as “Must See TV.” “Harry, if that ball were a person, it would be D.B. Cooper,” analyst Tim McCarver said. Harry replied, “You mean it would have been D.B. Cooper, Tim. “‘D.B. Cooper’ spelled backwards is…‘Ray…Pook…Beatty’,” Harry said. The plane’s owner comes out of his private cabin and rants. “Hey, you kids!” he said. “Who’s paying for my window?” Suddenly, Darryl Strawberry is nowhere to be found until...he emerges from his hiding spot—the rear bathroom (someone outside knocking has to “go” real bad). Dodgers center fielder Rick Monday quickly steps in (“I’ll be just a second,” Monday said to the patient soul who has to go real bad) and tags Strawberry. Dodgers manager Tom Lasorda argues with the umpire. “Strawberry is out!” Lasorda yelled. “Not only did he not cross the plate, he wasn’t on base when Monday tagged him! The bathroom isn’t second base! Second base is the kitchen!” Lasorda kicks plane safety instructions on the umpire’s shoes and Dodgers fans go wild. “If that was dirt I’d have tossed you, Tommy!” the umpire said, pointing, but he reverses the call. Manager Bobby Valentine flies from the Mets dugout and counter-argues with the ump. Mets fans roar with approval. “Monday doesn’t have the ball!” Valentine animatedly said. “He can’t tag him!” Valentine hollers through the plane for Strawberry to come up and step on home plate. Strawberry walks sheepishly all the way down the aisle and steps on home plate, which is actually a food tray. His homer counts, but he has to endure a lecture from the plane’s owner, who calls

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Darryl’s dad and tells him that his son broke his window. “Do you even know your kid plays baseball on airplanes?” the anguished owner asks Mr. Strawberry over a phone that accepts a credit card and is located in the seatback in front of you. Many plays involve line drives to the pitcher’s nose. After a “rope,” as Harry Caray describes each line drive, a plastic breathing apparatus drops down from the overhead compartment and is fixed over the pitcher’s face by a stewardess. Nevertheless, there are multiple pitching changes because pitchers say they can’t see with the mask on. Kirk Gibson homers. The ball damages a meal trolley and ricochets around until it settles under a seat in the last row. A fan sitting in that seat picks up the ball. Some of the passengers— most likely Cubs fans—boo because he doesn’t throw it back. Comedian David Brenner leaves his “VIP” seat and walks the distance. He proffers a Bill Buckner Bobblehead. The guy takes the Bobblehead, gives Brenner the ball, and the crowd spontaneously does the “wave.” “He has a Sports Illustrated magazine on his tray table,” Mr. Brenner tells Howard Cosell in an interview that rides the wave. “The plane is on the cover.” “And there you have it,” Howard Cosell said, sending it back to Harry and Tim. A turbulence delay in the fifth inning hints that the game could be turbulenced out. Even more unnerving, though, are delays caused by batters calling “time” whenever the plane flies over a baseball stadium. McCarver surmises for those watching at home that the players are purists mildly protesting the venue. “They would prefer this game be played on the ground,” he said. During the seventh inning stretch, the co-pilot, obviously drunk, drifts into view and schlepps around the plane. He wears a Dwight Gooden Mets jersey and mumbles, “Gooden is my copilot.” He staggers toward the girl whose hair is in the bun. “Back off,” I advise him. “The third baseman is her boyfriend.” In the ninth, a runner on second base peers into the cockpit. The catcher jumps up and shouts at him. “You’re stealing signs!” the catcher said. A typically heated Mets-Dodgers brouhaha arises, followed by the runner trying to steal third. The crowd gasps. The catcher’s throw is perfect—right on the armrest and the runner is tagged—out by an eyelash! The nailbiter is over, and the third baseman hands the game ball to his girlfriend. I photobomb their picture. (We appeared on the next cover of Sports Illustrated.) The newly minted power-couple go into the front bathroom and presumably join the Mile High Club. When the girl comes out, her hair isn’t in a bun. She violently shakes her head a few times as though she’s a bicoastal actress performing to a studio audience. Her hair is actually long. I think she’s Dyan Cannon. That same evening, the Mets hosted the Giants and the Dodgers played in Philadelphia. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM


MAY: MOTORCYCLE AWARENESS MONTH & NATIONAL BIKE MONTH May is Motorcycle Awareness Month May is National Bike Month Bicyclists are on our roads and city streets again The warmer weather stokes a desire to get outdoors to enjoy the greening of our world. National Bike Month established 58 years ago by the League of American Bicyclists, the observance has inspired the creation of bike clubs, organized excursions, races, and more. The group advocates for the interests of over 57 million cyclists and its 300,000 member affiliates, which include 40,000 individuals and 600 organization associates. Fun, fitness, exercise and transportation are some reasons why adults are taking up bicycling.

Look out for motorcycles. The Pope and the Vatican are interested in motorcycle safety. Last year the Pope himself blessed 35,000 leather-jacketed Harley riders who gathered at the Vatican. Then the Vatican added its holy observations to driving safety by giving its 10 Commandments for drivers. At number 9, the Vatican proclaims it is the duty of drivers to protect the vulnerable party. There is no doubt that the vulnerable party on the road is always the motorcycle. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, motorcycles accounted for just 3 percent of all registered vehicles in the United States in 2011, yet they accounted for 14 percent of all traffic fatalities. According to NHTSA estimates, motorcyclists are 30 times more likely than car passengers to die in a crash and five times more likely to be injured. It is essential to drivers and motorcyclists that everyone uses the turn signal. But according to one study by Response Insurance, a whopping 57 percent of drivers don't even use their turn signals. The reason you ask, more than 47 percent said they didn't have the time. That brings us to the most important safety considerations for the road:

Boomers love it too, it has become the new walking for those who can't undertake the rigors of jogging, especially when the pace is slow and steady and spent leisurely enjoying an hour or two of activity. Since 1960, the League has sponsored Bike to Work Week and Day. On May 16 this year, workers are encouraged to save gas and peddle to the office as a commuting alternative. Bicycle-friendly communities saw an 80 percent growth in commuting between 2000 and 2011, while non-friendly communities saw only a 32 percent growth. Could you bike to work? According to Bicycling magazine, over half our population lives less than 10 miles from work. The average cost of a 14 and 16 speed road bike is between $600 and $1,500. The average price of a new compact car is $17,000$25,000. The number of commuters on bikes is expected to grow as more cities create safe bike lanes and counties and states bike safety a priority. In 1985, the editor of the New York Tribune wrote: "The discovery and progressive improvement of the bicycle is of more importance to mankind than all the victories and defeats of Napoleon, with the First and Second Punic Wars …thrown in."

•Have time or make time. •Wait until the intersection is clear on left hand turns even if you have the right away. •Change lanes safely. Blind spots are deadly for motorcyclists. Both parties, the car driver and the motorcyclist must beware of blind spots. On warm spring days, drivers must check their mirrors and windows long before changing lanes, then use their signals. •Make safe turns at intersections: Drivers must use their signals. •Give some room: Don't tailgate. Don't ride the wheels of motorcyclists. Don't pass too closely. And then remember the number 1 commandment: You shall not kill. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE

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