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TABLE OF CONTENTS
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keith romack publisher
6 OUT N ABOUT PHOTOS
Kara
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Lisa romack Sales Director
10 OUT N ABOUT PHOTOS
READ THE MAGAZINE ONLINE go to facebook What’s Up Xtra Magazine TO ADVERTISE CALL 773.213.4597
12 WHATS ON TAP 12 ask the wino 13 BOOK REVIEW
The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2014 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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diane serbentas photographer
14 BARTENDER OF THE MONTH 15 horoscope
ted phillips photographer
16 OUT N ABOUT PHOTOS 17 CHESTER THE SOCK MONKEY 18 live music corner
Front page photo taken at CC Grove
Robert Christiansen Column Writer
21 puzzles
Joliet Dave Contributing writer lauren strec contributing writer
22 TALES FROM THE CHRIS CHECK OUT
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Surprise For Danny After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
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Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true. Leon J. Suenes, Cardinal who helped modernize the Catholic Church You can always find the sun within yourself if you will only search. Maxwell Maltz: Author of Psycho-Cybernetics
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."
Dumping Allowed The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," replied the man. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: Fine For Dumping Garbage." FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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News & Stuff
Kudos for Coffee It's not big news that drinking two to four cups of coffee a day has a number of health benefits. Researchers have already proven it reduces the risk of Parkinson's disease, type 2 diabetes, liver cancer, Alzheimer's disease and dementia. But, new studies published in the Archives of Internal Medicine show that caffeine is linked to a lower risk of stroke, skin cancer and depression. The researchers say caffeine may be the key protective ingredient, since decaffeinated coffee consumption was not associated with the benefits in these studies.
Dog Days of Summer, Who Knew? Ancient peoples suffered during July 3 through August 11, the famed Dog Days of Summer, as heat and humidity made daily life miserable. The Romans associated the hot, sultry weather to the star Sirius. They called it the Dog Star because it was the largest and brightest star in the constellation Canis Major (Large Dog), and because that's what the Greeks called it. Dog Days were considered to be an evil time when "the sea boiled, the wine turned sour, dogs grew mad, and all creatures became languid; causing man burning fevers, hysterics and phrensis," according to Brady's Clavis Calendaris, published in 1813.
Dietitians at Weill Cornell Medical College say coffee contains other healthy ingredients that may provide defenses against multiple conditions. It is rich in antioxidants that can protect against cancer, heart disease and other chronic diseases. But they can't just say its coffee that makes people healthier because there are so many variables. The depression study included 50,000 women at about 63 years of age. Those who drank four 8-ounce cups of caffeinated coffee daily were 20 percent less likely to become depressed. The cancer study found that drinking about four cups a day was associated with the lowest risk of basal cell carcinoma, a type of skin cancer. A stroke study, reported in the American Journal of Epidemiology, didn't pinpoint how coffee affected the brain, but three to four cups a day protected it from stroke. Drinking more than that did not increase protection. So go ahead and splurge for that $6 latte on your way to work, it just may save your life.
Sweet Dreams It is a proven fact that insomniacs who exercise sleep better. After 16 weeks of walking outside or on a treadmill for 30 minutes, insomniacs slept an extra 75 minutes per night, more than other nondrug therapies. They walked four nights per week, according to a study reported in the journal Sleep Medicine. The improvement is likely because exercise improves metabolism and decreases inflammation, both of which enhance sleep quality. So, get off the couch and walk the dog, go for a bike ride or chase the hot neighbor. Whatever method you fancy in a few weeks you’ll be getting all the shut-eye you need!
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Early NFL Draft Entries Rise
South Carolina's Jadeveon Clowney was the number one pick overall in this year's NFL draft, one of 98 college underclassmen who received special eligibility.
The 98 students granted special eligibility is a record in the NFL. In 2013, there were 73; 65 in 2012, and 56 in 2011, according to USA Today sports. Also granted eligibility was Texas A&M Quarterback Johnny Manziel, Clemson Wide Receiver Sammy Watkins, and Southern California Wide Receiver Marqise Lee.
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What’s On Tap We all want to believe in karma, that the wrongs will someday lead to rights and that our struggles will balance out in the end. Often, we try to prove that there’s a universal law that governs us, guiding our lives with a soft, invisible hand, but the truth is we’re not sure, and the longer we live the less it matters.
by Ashlee Schultz
What matters is the energy we put into getting what we want. There is no perfect equation of “X amount of hard work equals X amount of payoff.” But we cannot fail if we never stop working toward our visions of success or love or happiness, however they may vary. We cannot waste energy on wishing for someone else’s misfortunes in the form of karma, because there’s a lesson in our struggle and it isn’t that someone else is deserving of something terrible. In wishing bad luck on someone, we’re giving our power away. Steal it back. You probably aren’t going to wake up tomorrow to a clear sky and declare, “today is the day of my lucky break!” but you can wake up and declare that you will be truer to yourself by being conscious, by paying attention to your words and actions — for you, not for someone else. You have to make decisions based on what it is you want. What do you want? Why? What would you with your life if money was no object? Do more of that. Patterns repeat themselves until an adjustment is made. Time is cyclical; we experience beginnings and ends and if we pay close enough attention to our feelings, we can pinpoint exactly where we are in a cycle. But a problem ain’t gonna fix itself – it’s up to you to learn the lesson presented by a situation, and then twist the necessary knob to adjust it to your liking. Brace yourself for a wild ride, because you’re taking it alone. You can’t wait around for some invisible force to save you. Maybe you are your karma. Follow me on Twitter: @ashleeschultz
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ASK THE WINO... Wino: Johnny Knockers Likes: Mariachi bands and wearing women’s shoes Dislikes:Tight under wear and loose dogs
Travis the Air Traffic Controller asks: I am under an enormous amount of stress each day at work and I a dear friend of mine recommended I utilize meditation techniques to help relax. I’ve tried it a couple of times but find it difficult to sit still and clear my mind for any length of time. Have you ever used meditation? Wino: I find huffing paint thinner during a manic episode helps me a great deal. I’m not sure how easy it will be to sneak in liquids through airport security but might I suggest soaking a tampon overnight and sticking it up your ass before work as an alternative. Lydia the Youth Pastor asks: Why can't we all live in a spiritual-based-society where everything is fair and people help each other? I think if more people got more in touch with their higher power we might all live in peace. Any thoughts? Wino: Jesus Christ woman, you sound more like a damn hippie than a youth pastor. Look, most people don't want to give up what they have, but if you do, I need a new a liver. Don't worry, after a pint, a few doobies and a tub of ice you won’t feel a thing! Everly the Yoga Instructor asks: I’m thinking about using eHarmony or Christian Mingle for some online dating, but there’s disturbing stuff in the news right now and I am concerned about venturing out into the world of E-dating. Do you know of any alternative sites I might try? Wino: Look no further, I have collaborated with the folks at Christian Mingle to create WinoThumpinNHumpin.com. It’s good for all your spiritual and nookie-related-needs and I’ll even be your first date so long as you pay for a good steak dinner and a sixpack of PBR’s. P.S. Don’t worry, it’s not case sensitive. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
BOOK REVIEW
“Hooked: A Guide to Building Habit-Forming Products” Looking to increase sales? Here’s a little advice on how to make customers buy your brand out of habit. In “Hooked: A Guide to Building Habit-Forming Products”, author Nir Eyal first introduces readers to the "Hook Model”, a four-step process to build customer habits. Through consecutive hook cycles, successful products reach their ultimate goal of bringing users back repeatedly and without huge advertising budgets. He writes his guide for product managers, designers, marketers, startup founders, and people who want to learn about consumer behavior. These behaviors include creating user habits that stick, steps to build products that people love and behavioral techniques used by companies that have made their product a consumer habit (Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest). Eyal has taught at Stanford Graduate School of Business, has had two successful start-up companies, and has had his work appear some of the most prestigious publications. wer Shira Abel, CEO of marketing agency Hunter & Bard, says that in Eyal's blog the author Reviewer claims to have gone through the School of hard-knocks, but she thinks he's had a life doing what he loves and is brilliant at: building good products. Eyal's co-author Ryan Hoover has worked with several start-up companies and is the co-author of Product Hunt. While the main targets of “Hooked" are products that a consumer could use every day, it's also about where to give a variable reward and how to pull people back to your product through triggers. “Hooked: A guide to Building Habit-Forming Products” by Nir Eyal and Ryan Hoover, CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 168 pages.
Little Johnny Teaching Class L
ittle Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act but a habit. Aristotle, Greek philosopher and scientist Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true. Brian Tracy, Expert on personal development and business training
The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.” Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.” The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?” Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.” “Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…” Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on Little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.” FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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who’s your favorite bartender?
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Any bartender is eligible: Go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine. ‘Like’ the page and ’Like’ or Comment on the bartenders photo or comment on a bartender you’d like to support or TEXT ONLY (NO PHONE CALLS FOR VOTES) @ 773.213.4597. The winner who receives the most votes via text & facebook will receive a 4 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends. Rules on bottom of page.
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Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 213.4597 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote by hitting “like” on the bartender’s photo .
*The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM 14 Only two votes are counted per person one via text and one via facebook. Voting polls close on July 20th.
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JULY HOROSCOPE ARIES: Your thinking has more clarity now than ever before. It will come in handy with any project you have to tackle. Listen to experts because they know their stuff.
LIBRA: If it seems as if this month is devoid of inspirations, continue to live and work in a practical way. Take a long weekend, relax by water and feel the new ideas.
TAURUS: Though you dislike changing your ways and routines, take heart. Learn to get in step with the new procedures so they won’t upset your apple cart.
SCORPIO: Watch for good opportunities that will come your way. A new status will allow for more freedom in your work. Co-workers will help out when needed.
GEMINI: The second half of 2014 will add good luck to your previous efforts. And your rational thinking about your work will bring great returns several times over.
SAGITTARIUS: Even if others seem to dominate, your input is appreciated. Remember that they may not be as expressive as you. Speak up at important moments.
CANCER: This month could like a song with few troubles involved. Your status in life is improving, but you have to recognize it. Times of peace and tranquility will come.
CAPRICORN: Your financial instincts have served you well in the past, but seem to be a little rusty now. Manage well but skip huge purchases. No new car this year.
LEO: Because you are taking better care of your health, your energy is high now. But it’s important to maintain a balance between work, pleasure and personal relationships.
AQUARIUS: July is a great time for home improvement projects, and doing even a small one will bring hugs and kisses from your loved one. Plant flowers or paint.
VIRGO: The first half of 2014 has had positive effects, and the second half could be even better. Some problems will crop up, but you can handle them. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
PISCES: The 4th of July weekend is a time to put work concerns into the background. Rest, enjoy yourself and meet new people at a party. You could make new connections. 773.213.4597
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The Lighter Side Then And Now
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”?
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
We're All Good
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
2. In which Coen Brothers movie did John Goodman play Vietnam vet Walter Sobchak? a-"The Big Lebowski," b-"Barton Fink," c-"O Brother, Where Art Thou?," d-"Fargo."
Water Formula Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Little Johnny replies, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O!!" The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
Fast Drinker A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
1. "Good Ol' Boys," sung by Merle Haggard, was the theme song for what TV show? a-"B.J. and the Bear," b-"The Dukes of Hazzard," c-"Our House," d-"Carter Country."
3. What is the name of the attorney played by Julianna Margulies on "The Good Wife"? a-Susan Rakoff, b-Anne Osborne, c-Caroline Julian, d-Alicia Florrick. 4. "Good Lovin'" was the first #1 song for what band in the 1960s? a-The Rascals, b-Paul Revere and the Raiders, c-The Turtles, d-The Troggs. 5. What poet wrote that "good fences make good neighbors?" a-Robert Frost, b-William Dean Howells, c-William Carlos Williams, d-Ezra Pound. 6. What European explorer discovered the Cape of Good Hope? a-Jacques Cartier, b-Bartholomeu Dias, c-John Cabot, dHenry Hudson. 7. What TV clown spoke only once on TV, during the final telecast of Howdy Doody's show, by saying "Goodbye, kids"? aCliffy, b-Bozo, c-Clarabelle, d-Krusty. 8. "Different is good" was a slogan used to promote what fast food chain? a-Wendy's, b-Domino's Pizza, c-Taco Bell, d-Arby's. 9. What detective was introduced by John D. MacDonald in the 1964 novel "The Deep Blue Goodbye"? a-Thomas Linley, b-Peter Wimsey, c-Travis McGee, d-Nero Wolfe. 10. What actor was the subject of Gene Fowler's 1944 biography "Good Night, Sweet Prince"? a-Errol Flynn, b-John Barrymore, c-Glenn Ford, d-George Sanders.
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have, pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Long Password During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento. When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Because they can hold up traffic. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
6-b, Bartholomeu Dias 7-c, Clarabelle 8-d, Arby's 9-c, Travis McGee 10-b, John Barrymore
How do you know policemen are strong?
Answers
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1-b, "The Dukes of Hazzard" 2-a, "The BigLebowski" 3-d, Alicia Florrick 4-a, The Rascals 5-a, Robert Frost
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LIVE MUSIC
The time is here for Kirk Kamminga & Cold Creek Road By: Joliet Dave
If hot, blues tinged southern fried rock is your thing, then looked no further than “Time is Here” by Grayslake based Kirk Kamminga and Cold Creek Road. The newest release by the band is a generous slice of no nonsense, blue collar Americana steeped in traditional styles found everywhere from the swamps of Louisiana to the Mississippi delta, through the gritty streets of Chicago and Detroit, the plains of Nebraska and straight through the heart of Texas. Leading the pack is Kirk Kamminga, an exceptionally talented guitarist reminiscent of Stevie Ray Vaughn and Eric Clapton with a vocal style delivered with enough whiskey tinged bluesy angst that effectively delivers the proper emotion for the story he is telling. Coming from a musical family (his Grandmother was an opera singer and his Mother was a singer with jazz saxophonist Boyd Raeburn in the 1940’s), Kirk went on to play guitar with a bevy of Chicago blues legends like the “Big Chief” Eddy Clearwater and Melvin Taylor among others. Rounding out the band is keyboardist Joey Banks, bassist Nicko McCurley, drummer David Eubanks and saxophonist Rogers Randle Jr. Also appearing on “Time Is Here” is fiddle player Hannah Watson, currently with the band Suburban Cowboys. Without a doubt, this band is tight, not just in the studio but live as well. I had the pleasure of catching a scaled down three-piece version of the band on a double bill with Chasing Amy at Marty’s Place in Crest Hill back in May. Besides the outstanding fretwork and soulful vocals by Kirk, the rhythm section of McCurley and Eubanks was on fire, slamming down well-executed runs and fills and keeping the sound full. As a frontman, Kirk is an entertaining performer with a sly sense of humor, pulling you into his world and making it seem like you and the boys are sitting around a bonfire swapping stories over a few cold ones. Kamminga is indeed a storyteller as well, much in the manner of other Chicago area performers like Pete Berwick and Spotted Joe Pye. Each of the tunes on “Time Is Here” is a story most can relate to in some fashion, not unlike the country artists of years ago before it all became about pickup trucks, beer and dirt roads. While there is no filler on this CD, the cuts that stand out the most include the opener “Where Jesus Left His Shoes”, the smoky “Take Me Away From Here”, a tale of a femme fatale, the up-tempo shuffle “Big Bad Wolf”, “Cryin’ To The Sky” and “The River”, which you'll want to crank while sailing down the highway with the windows down. Other tracks rounding out the disc are “Let It Ride”, “Eyes of Magic” and “Hell on Wheels”. The production on “Time Is Here” is crisp and punchy, well executed by engineer Chris Radostits of Cinnamon Sound Studio in Aurora (http://www.cinnamonsoundstudio.com). At the time of this writing, the CD is only available through the band at live shows, but will be available soon at their reverbnation page at http://www.reverbnation.com/kirkkammingaband. Individual tracks are available there now for purchase. You can also catch up with the band at www.coldcreekroad.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/kirkkammingaband. Kirk Kamminga and Cold Creek Road will next be performing at George’s Club Highway in Kenosha, WI for a pair of shows on August 8th and 9th.
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When You Are Over Sixty- A Husbands Sacrifice A married couple was in a terrible Five Who Gives A S*** accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit…
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit…
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit…
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so." I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit… FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need, every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." 773.213.4597
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TA L E S F R O M T H E C H R I S
Bookends By Rob Christiansen
“You’re my son’s father,” Margaret said. She offered me Entenmann’s crumb cake. I can’t believe she’s so calm, yet she was always calm, most of the time. She had years to rehearse, though, never knowing if or when I might come around. She quickly produced photo albums. He could be my kid. Suddenly I felt proud but then, more suddenly, I feel empty. I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by and right-sidebookend our meet-cute that occurred when I was seventeen and she was twenty-six. Instead, I believe she followed me down Clover Lane that day in her VW as I walked home after completing one or more lawn-mowing jobs. I’m sure now I was on her agenda long before I got anywhere near her pudenda. Having mowed her lawn, Margaret offers me another glass of water and, finally, a seat at her kitchen table. Yet she hasn’t bothered to remove her Department of Motor Vehicles letter. I had just read that letter, much to her chagrin. I’ll deliberately avoid eyeballing it now. The newly filled glass of water she places before me is sweating, and I begin to sweat over my preexisting sweat, dried from my just having been outside working in the filthy heat followed by being exposed to her air-conditioned basic Cape Cod and her cool records playing on her stereo. “Do you want to play word association?” she asks as we sit in these friendly confines. We had gone back and forth having a magical conversation about all these different things and now she wants either to take it up a notch or take it down a notch. Maybe that’s up to me. “I’ll say a word and you say the first word that comes to your head,” she said. “Defenestrate,” she said. “You,” I said. “Extrapolate,” she said. “Me,” I said. “Imbroglio,” she said. “Bounce,” I said. “Mercantile,” she said. “Cat,” I said. “Ebullient,” she said. “Dog,” I said. “Undulate,” she said. “Car,” I said. “Variegated,” she said. “Rose,” I said. “Axiom,” she said. “Seaver,” I said. “Suffrage,” she said. “Kingman,” I said. “Tunic,” she said. “Harrelson,” I said. “Oligarchy,” she said. “Olive,” I said. “Your turn,” she said. “House,” I said. “Houseboat,” she said. “Boat,” I said. “Boathouse,” she said. “You’re not playing fair,” I said, exhausted. “And I’m pretty sure ‘boat house’ is two words.” “You didn’t challenge me,” she said. “And you only answered me with baseball players’ names.” “Maybe I was just warming up,” I said, taking a leap instead of another of tentative steps I’d taken with her until now.
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Our argument segues into an emotional “imbroglio.” I swear Margaret is going to slap me. “Will you lift some boxes for me?” she asks. “They’re in the bedroom.” She literally is playing by the book. (Mr. Mezzepeza assigned it last December. Thank you, sir.) I put shoes from shoeboxes that were on the floor, under a window, into plastic “cubby holes” hanging in her closet. So much for my “lifting” assignment. “I knew what you meant by ‘warming up’,” she said, sifting her scarf. So, she had seen Saturday Night Live where Chevy Chase recited baseball players’ names while having PG, “suggested sex” with Gilda Radner. My “leap” with Margaret following our word association game had paid dividends, but I ended up never having to pay for anything. I have a grown son whom I never even knew existed. “Does he live in Levittown?” I asked, suddenly curious about my legacy here. I had given it up for dead. I’m just a tourist from Chicago. Hometown pride suddenly filled my emptiness. Suddenly, everything hinges on suddenness, here in Margaret’s seemingly unchanged kitchen. “He lives on Gardenia,” she said. My son, as does Margaret, lives in the flower section, as had I…. When I lived here, people who said “flower section” were over thirty and not to be trusted. “What is his name?” I asked. “Sven,” she said. “Today is his birthday.” Today is July 7. I had last seen Margaret on the October 11 when she turned twenty-seven. “7/7 Sven” is alliterative and catchy, like the phone number sung in an Empire Carpet commercial. I mowed Margaret’s lawn on that October afternoon. After I wished her Happy Birthday, she said we had to break up for my own good. I quit mowing lawns and finished my senior year…. of high school. I attended community college five miles away, eventually transferring out-of-state. I made adult mistakes but never the one where the girl became pregnant. In retrospect, I apparently had made that adult mistake early on, and technically wasn’t adult when I made it. The irony crashes down on me, but I find my accidental pun “apparently” uplifting…. In my current iteration I consider myself somewhat of a humorist. Maybe there’s humor to be found in being a father but never a parent. I had accepted Margaret’s Entenmann’s cake offer, by the way. My life had worked out after all. I’m part Norwegian, and now— suddenly—I had a son with a Norwegian name. As it should be. Unless “Sven” is a Swedish name. I’ll ask my father, back at the house, on our “flower section” street. I’ll also tell him he’s a paternal grandfather. It’s too bad that after many years my parents sold the house and are moving to Florida. Margaret’s news will become a gaping wound in our lives. Unless it turns out to be a good thing. I’m in shock. I’d never even listed Margaret as significant other or emergency contact. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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