A LITTLE BIT STRONGER (7 Skills to help dial up your resilience)

A N EXT ACT C OAC H I N G WO R K B O O K

IM AG E C O URT E SY ALEXA N DE R PO P OV / U N S PLAS H

A LITTLE BIT STRONGER 7 skills to help dial up your resilience

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So here we are...

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Hey Friends Hands up who thought things might be better by now?

Life can bring all kinds of stressors, including a once in a 100-year pandemic as it turns out.

COVID-19 is seriously testing us, not only as an industry but, as people, the humans who operate in the music industry. And we’ve been hit hard.

So first up, I want to acknowledge that each of us is processing the curveballs of COVID differently. And I want to encourage you to reach out and seek professional help from your doctor or other qualified mental health provider if you need to.

Even though it’s not a new thing, suddenly the word resilience is EVERYWHERE. While we accept that it’s not possible to avoid misfortune and challenges in life, often we don’t think about resilience until we’re faced with a setback.

But the reality is, we’ll be faced with setbacks even after COVID has finally left the building.

So how we can be there for ourselves to help us through adversity – now and beyond COVID? Professor Rosabeth Moss Kanter of Harvard Business School wrote an article that was headed: “Surprises Are the New Normal; Resilience Is the New Skill” And it’s true, resilience is a set of skills that can be developed. But it’s an ongoing process.

Like building a muscle, increasing your resilience takes time, practice, and self-compassion.

This little workbook is designed to get you thinking about your resilience. It contains some skills and coaching tools that might help you improve your ability to bounce back.

It will invite you to look at your previous coping mechanisms and spot your strengths and personal values, so you can apply them to help you cope with every day – and not so every day - challenges. At the end is a resilience plan that you can work through.

Hopefully some of this info will help you adapt to setbacks with greater ease and rebound a little stronger.

Oh yeah, and F.U virus.

Coach Viv XO PS. Important info & disclaimer - I am a coach, not a doctor or psychologist. The information presented is from a coaching perspective and general in nature. It does not replace professional psychological and medical advice.

Support Act Wellbeing Helpline 1800 959 500 24 hours a day, 365 days per year within Australia Support Act dedicated Helpline for First Nations artists, crew, and music workers 1800 959 500 (Option 3) between 8am – 6pm AEST Monday to Friday Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 Lifeline 13 11 14

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What is this thing?

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What is resilience and how do we get more of it?

Let’s start with a couple of definitions: ‘The process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, and even significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stresses.’

AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

‘Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes.’

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

Resilience is a skill made up of a set of skills that allows us to cope with challenges with greater clarity and agency. These skills can help you face challenges and difficulties in life, which can help you feel better and cope better. Resilience increases our capacity to recover from and adapt to difficulties. To rebound – bend, not break.

Image by Jon Tyson

Resilience isn’t about pretending that COVID-19 and other setbacks aren’t happening or that everything is ok. It’s also not about avoiding obstacles or resisting change. It’s not about cheery optimism, toxic positivity or burying our feelings. Resilient people understand that setbacks happen and that sometimes life is challenging. Being resilient doesn’t eliminate stress or erase what’s going on around us, but it can help us manage when everything keeps changing.

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Ditch those resilience myths —

MYTH 1 You were either born resilient, or you never will be. People might think that we only have certain reserves of resilience, that we have an inherent resilience that we’re born with and that’s that. But we know that resilience can be developed like a muscle.

It’s possible to strengthen our resilience intentionally and focusing on this can make positive changes in our life.

MYTH 2 Resilience only helps in times of difficulty.

This belief is false because the skills involved in resilience can positively impact all areas of life, always. Resilience skills can improve relationships, motivation, and drive, regardless of good times and bad.

MYTH 3 If you’re resilient, you won’t have problems, stress, or difficult emotions. This is a common misconception, but unfortunately, life doesn’t always go to plan. It ebbs and flows, and we can’t always control it. Being resilient doesn’t mean that you won’t feel any emotions.

MYTH 4 Resilient people are so self-reliant and tough that they don’t need other people.

Resilience is not about toughing it out or going in alone. In fact, being able to reach out to others for support is a key factor in helping to cultivate resilience. Resilient people have strong social networks, connections with family and friends, and other resources they can call upon in time of need.

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Skills to build resilience —

Life is rarely perfect (as we’ve discovered) – it’s sometimes messy and chaotic. The skills listed below aren’t a complete list of course but when you practice the skills that go into being resilient, you’ll notice positive changes in your life. Bouncing back from adversity doesn’t mean that things will just get back to normal, but with resilience your perspective might change.

SKILL 1: FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL It’s natural to want to try and control things.

Many of us use up a lot of emotional energy focusing on the things over which we literally have no control or can’t influence. My Spheres of Influence is a framework that puts us back into focusing on the things we can control – our words, actions, behaviour, habits, and our reactions to our thoughts. We can also control how much news we consume, how much time we spend on social media, how often we exercise, what we eat and so on. Unfortunately, we can’t control a pandemic or the lockdowns and restrictions that come with it.

Viewing problems through the lens of our spheres of influence helps us to invest our energy into aspects of our life over which we have control.

It’s simple but powerful. It’s also liberating when you realise that you don’t have to use precious emotional energy trying to change the unchangeable – be it a situation or a person.

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WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL

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WHAT YOU CAN INFLUENCE

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EVERYTHING ELSE OUTSIDE OF YOUR CONTROL AND INFLUENCE

Try this tool. The idea behind My Spheres of Influence is that there are three distinct areas we can sort the comings and goings of life into: 1. Things we can control 2. Things we can influence 3. Things we can’t influence or control, either right now or at any time

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Skills to build resilience —

When we feel like there is nothing within our control, there is usually at least one thing that we still have direct control over - our words, action, habits, attitudes, reactions, and behaviour.

Even when under pressure, we always have that.

Sometimes we also have the ability to influence. We can try and influence people to move in a certain direction. While we can’t control others’ attitudes, reactions, or behaviour, we can offer them support, suggestions and guidance, or provide evidence to help them make good decisions.

The final area relates to things over which we have no control or influence. This is the largest area since the majority of what happens in life is not under our direct control.

This framework is to help you recognise and accept that there is much we cannot control. Instead, we can choose to focus concentrate our energy on our sphere of influence.

Use this framework to identify what is within your control, what is in your sphere of influence, and what cannot be controlled AKA EVERYTHING ELSE.

SKILL 2: CHECK PREVIOUS RESILIENCE Chances are you’ve overcome a setback in the past. One way to build resilience is to draw on your learnings from past experiences. Your previous response to tough times can give you clues into your coping and support mechanisms.

What did you have to overcome?

How did you do it?

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Skills to build resilience —

What or who helped you?

What skills and other personal resources did you draw on?

Even if you’ve had difficulty coping with adversity in the past, you might be able to recognise in yourself some coping methods that you know DON’T help, like spending too much time on social media or news sites, comparing your progress to others’, or trying to numb your feelings with drugs or alcohol.

SKILL 3: KNOW YOUR STRENGTHS! One way to build resilience is to tap into a strengths-based approach to working through obstacles.

Without even realising it, many of us have leveraged our personal advantages, our natural abilities of thought, feeling and behaving to get through shaky times.

What personal strengths have you leaned on to get through Covid and previous adversity?

Courage, Determination, Compassion, Flexibility, Communication, Connector, Optimism Curiosity, Persistence? The great thing about our strengths is that they’re always with us - in regular times or otherwise.

Click here to do the free Character Strengths profile at VIA Character Institute.

What did you discover? What are your unique strengths and how can you use them daily?

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Skills to build resilience —

Which ones could you dial up to have a positive impact on your coping ability?

Which strength do you use with other people, but perhaps forget to use on yourself? (empathy, compassion etc)

Links to resources Coping with coronavirus www.viacharacter.org/topics/articles/coping-with-the-coronavirus-a-strengths-perspective How character strengths help www.viacharacter.org/topics/articles/how-character-strengths-help%20us-through-trying-times

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Skills to build resilience —

SKILL 4: STOP COMPARING (REALLY, STOP!) I know, I know. It’s tempting. We’re all spending more time than ever online so it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole. We’re looking at our peers who have seemingly been able to leap into action and pivot. But each of us reacts differently to stress and setbacks. Some people bounce back fast while others tend to take longer. There’s no one way.

Developing resilience is a very individual process. What works well for one person may not necessarily work for another. And it’s not linear either.

If your mind starts to compare, ask yourself:

How does this help me?

Does this move me closer to my goals or further away from them?

Can you compare yourself to yourself?

(We often fail to recognise and acknowledge how far we’ve come, the progress we’ve made) Time to focus on self-compassion. Not comparing.

TOOLS TO HELP Reduce time spent on social media if that’s where you find yourself comparing. Ask if it’s helpful or harmful? Know your personal values, priorities and goals and focus on those.

SKILL 5: BUILD A POSITIVE COMMUNITY We’re not hard wired to go through something like this alone. Increasing resilience means building a strong support community. When we’re going through difficult times, it’s hugely important to hold on to a supportive community, no matter how small.

You don’t need to have many people in your support group, but it’s important to reach out and make new connections when needed. Or rekindle old ones.

Other people can serve as our sounding boards, cheerleaders, and supporters when we let them in.

Try these techniques to build your community: Look at your community; at the people around you and examine your relationships with them.

Do they need to be closer? Do you need to reach out to more people? Are there any toxic vampires you need to let go of? Has your community got each other’s backs?

Can you strengthen your connections?

Are there ways you can open up? Bonding with friends is important, and you can do so by inviting your friends to get involved in things you’re interested in. Doing things you enjoy with the people you care about is a great way to build a stronger connection.

Allow time for conversation. Actively listen to your friends by responding to what they have to say.

By getting to know your friends better, you’ll allow them to get to know you better.

Join a group. You can find local groups of people who are interested in things you love. Engaging with them frequently will give you a group of people that you can confide in and rely on.

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Skills to build resilience —

SKILL 6: LIVE YOUR LIFE BY YOUR VALUES Knowing what’s important to you can help light the way when you’re not sure what to do.

Knowing your values helps because they give you a framework for how you would like to live.

Working with your values helps you travel forward with a sense of purpose that will help during times of stress, confusion, and decision-making.

Before you make any big decisions, pause for a moment, and consult your values. They often offer a stronger perspective.

For example, if you value community, you might reach out to build one with like-minded people.

Or if you value education, you might take a class at a local community college or read interesting books. By knowing your values and how you can enact them in your day to day life, you are moving towards consistency and meaning in your life.

Follow this process to determine your values: 1. Begin by making a list of ten values (aka things that matter most to you). It could be honesty, loyalty, integrity, family, community. The list is endless and there are literally no wrong answers!

2. Next, shorten that list to 3 - 5 top values and think about how they apply in your daily life.

3. When you’re thinking about your values, try to visualise what they look like in action. It’s one thing to value kindness, but it’s another thing to use that value to help you be kind when you don’t want to be.

4. Write down each value and put them somewhere where you see them each day.

5. Refer to your values frequently and check in with yourself to see if you’re living up to them. How can you bring yourself back to your values?

Below is a link to an online values exercise by the Values Centre. Register for free to complete. www.valuescentre.com/tools-assessments/pva/

SKILL 7: SET (SMALL) GOALS I hear you thinking ‘Seriously. What’s the point?’. By setting small goals and recognising your progress towards them, you can develop a sense of personal agency. The ability to make and carry out realistic plans helps us play to our strengths and focus on achievable goals.

Small, short- term goals can help lay out a roadmap for next steps. Achieving even the tiniest goal has a positive impact on our wellbeing. If a goal seems impossible, think of it like this: What’s the smallest plan I can make that will have the greatest impact on my life right now?

Remember: Goals in and of themselves don’t create motivation! Tap into WHY the goal matters in the first place. Identify small things that are achievable — a walk everyday, phone call with a buddy or some dedicated time away from your newsfeed.

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My resilience plan —

What and who are my SUPPORTS? What are the things or people that help keep me upright? List them here. Be specific.

What gives me COMFORT and HOPE? Old sayings, favourite lyrics, music, book, movie or television series. Write them here.

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My resilience plan —

What are my STRATEGIES? What are things that keep me moving in a forward direction? Write them here.

How can I move forward from here?

How can I break this problem down into smaller steps?

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My resilience plan —

FINALLY... 3 GOOD THINGS This is an exercise that was created by the founding father of positive psychology Martin Seligman.

Three Good Things helps us shed our negative bias in seeing and remembering events.

It’s a simple exercise that invites us to view things in a more positive light and helps us cultivate gratitude and increase optimism.

Each day for at least two weeks, write down three things that went well for you.

These can be small things, everyday events or bigger successes. To make this exercise part of your daily routine, try it every day with house mates, your partner, friends, or family members. If writing things down isn’t for you, do the same exercise but say it out loud.

Image by Jon Tyson

This subtle shift of attention can help you tune into the positive things in your life, no matter how small they seem.

I hope you can celebrate the small wins.

With care and solidarity, Viv XO

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About me

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I’m Viv, an accredited personal coach with over 25 years in the Australian music industry. I specialise in helping people in the music world set boundaries and manage self-doubt, self-care, perfectionism, procrastination, and impostor syndrome. I help people uncover their strengths, skills and values and set realistic goals for life and work that are aligned with those values and strengths.

Photo by Kate Holmes

I offer a confidential 1:1 and small group coaching service with zero judgement, plenty of empathy and a lot of music industry insight. I use an array of coaching tools and exercises to help you understand yourself more deeply and identify limiting beliefs that aren’t serving you.

I’m currently a Counsellor-in-training and plan to focus on helping people in the music industry manage their problems in life.

Reach out For more info on me and my services please visit www.nextactcoaching.com.au Click here to set up a free 20-minute call to ask how I can help you.

Select Option # 3 ‘More About My Offering’

All images courtesy @UNSPLASH

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