VISIBLE MAGAZINE Created by Sammy Noelle Photography by Sammy Noelle & Jonathan Sisk Written Pieces by Des Dare Barragan & Sammy Noelle 001
Rehumanizing your city through the art of telling stories 002
TABLE OF AboutCONTENTSPage004VisiblePage007 Part Of The Process featuring Kara Lee of The Well Community for Women Page 015 Behind The Brand featuring Benjamin Edmonds & Adelyne Marie of MOSH Hair Studio Page 023 SD Sonics featuring Michael Pinning Page 029 Rebuilding featuring Amanda Moon Ellevis Page 036 Common Strangers featuring Zac Freeborn Hill Page 043 “Encinitas” by Evan Denton Page 044 “Summer Seated” by Des Dare Barragan Page 045 Trending In SD with Mita Aquino Page 067 Something About A House Show 003
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WHAT IS VISIBLE?
a locally based magazine intended to highlight the human beings that live, love, create, and work in the city. WHY VISIBLE? we all crave to be seen by others as a way to find real and tangible connection, where one is known deeply and fully. Visible Magazine started to rehumanize a city, to breathe life back into a city by shedding light on stories of the human beings we pass by every single day. WHO IS VISIBLE? a team of individuals who really love their city and really love people.
I can’t believe that it’s been almost a year since the drop of our first Issue of Visible Magazine. If you told me a year ago that we’d have featured forty humans living their lives in the city of San Diego, I’d be floored. And I am.
I hope that reading about the journeys of these people and seeing the beauty they’ve brought into the world brings you a feeling of warmth and joy. A feeling of being seen right where you are. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for supporting what we do. The Visible team and I are left encouraged with each read you take through one of our magazines and each person who allows us to share their story with you. Thanks for investing in us. We hope you enjoy this issue and that you’ll join us in using your voice to make others visible.
SAMMY NOELLE // IG: @sammynoelle Editor-In-Chief
So, here we are, at the release of Issue 004. An issue that is packed with volatile waves and calm, still waters that make up the stories of our six beautiful featured humans. These stories are filled with heartache paired with healing, and every single one ends with a message of hope and strength. These stories show the complexity of humanity and what can come from choosing to be present in your life, craft, city, and world.
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@desdareIG://BARRAGANDAREDES LEAD WRITER SOCIAL MEDIA / COMMUNICATION STYLIST @sabroondsIG://ROUNDSSABRINA @aquinomitaIG://AQUINOMITA NICE TO MEET YOU AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT! To stay connected, follow us on Instagram @thevisiblemag and share your Visible moments with us #VisibleSD THE VISIBLE TEAM INCLUDES scan here to learn more about our team 006
007 FEATURING KARA LEE of THE WELL COMMUNITY FOR WOMEN Written by Des Ddare Barragan & Sammy Noelle PROCESSTHEOFPART
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The story of The Well begins at Chick-fil-A in 2018, with two moms meeting for the first time. With a need for community and friends for her son, Kara met co-founder Kristen.
Kristen and Kara continued talking and discovered they were both from Houston. Kristen had moved to San Diego with a distant cousin of Kara’s and her father attends the church Kara had worked at for 12 years. The links in their history were undeniable! The next week, Kristen and Kara met again and by the end of their hang-out Kristen had invited her to join in on the project that would become The Well.
“I said, what is it?” Kristen explained it was a co-working space with childcare. “I was like, ‘What is that?!’” Kara laughs, “Literally didn’t know!” “It didn’t make sense for me to say yes, but I did.”
Kristen later moved with her family to Idaho and Kara now heads the organization with a team of 12 volunteers and employed childcare workers.
The Well Community for Women is a 501c3 non-profit organization and San Diego’s first co-working space with childcare.
Kara expresses how this was something so out of her comfort zone but that God had brought her to a place in life where she was ready to embrace what was next. Despite feelings of inadequacy, Kara realized a desire to use her creative background to gather women and children and excite them to live in a happier world where all members of the family are being filled. Kara was on board with the project and began what she describes as the most challenging but rewarding three years of her work life.
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Walking into The Well, we were met with a sense of refreshment. Focus and friendship filled the room, and we were greeted with a sparkling smile and big “hello!” that came from Kara Lee.
Nestled in a local shopping center in the heart of La Mesa, you’ll find The Well Community for Women. Neighboring everything from corporate shops to small specialty boutiques, The Well is a suitable name for this oasis amidst its crowded surroundings.
010 Kara shares that her life has been marked by hard seasons and trauma. She quickly learned to use lying as a defense to protect those who hurt her out of fear of what may happen if she didn’t. This continued as she got older. In junior high, Kara was bullied daily by two boys who would echo death threats and destructive comments about her appearance, worth, and identity. Her dad was unaware of what was happening and Kara thought it was a secret she had to keep. Miraculously, Kara’s dad caught the two bullies in the act and brought their torment to an end.
Upon meeting Kara we saw the joy and light exuding from her soul, but as we sat and spoke with her about The Well, we also encountered the depth and realness she holds. We couldn’t help but want to learn more about the road that led her here.
“So my whole life I’ve worked with children and probably because of what I went through. And I do speak their language, they sense that I’m safe,” says Kara.
Being a co-working space, The Well creates a place for women from different professions and employment to work adjacent to one another. At one desk you may meet a mom working on a selfstarter project for Etsy, and at another desk a part-time service rep for a large company. Maybe a writer next to her, a homeschooling mom drafting a curriculum next to her, or a freelance lawyer hammering out a case across the room.
The Well is a unique space where moms have the flexibility to work with immediate access to their little ones. With windows in everyone’s room, moms can see their children at any time and can choose to join in on the childcare activities throughout the day.
“We’re not a licensed daycare and we really don’t desire to be one, because the idea of this is to be near your child.” The Well is for the woman who still wants to parent in-person while working.
Through childhood, Kara has kept the seven-year-old version of herself alive inside. She chooses to remember what it was like as a child, which gives her perspective to better meet the needs of the little ones she comes in contact with every day.
Kara shares that behind the scenes it wasn’t always the most loving and supportive situation. In short, things weren’t necessarily as they appeared.
“And then I did acting my whole life, I had an agent in high school and did all kinds of performing. Did all that, but never felt good about pursuing myself and going to auditions, just living for me. It didn’t ever compute, it never felt right. Then I started working at this church, and I found the spotlight, but it never felt right.”
Something they say often at The Well is, “Refresh women, refresh their world.” Kara elaborates, “If we’re happy and we’re getting our stuff done and we feel like we still have an identity outside of just our children, it makes us a holistically better person,” states Kara.
The Well is a no-drop-off program with a child-watch model, meaning the care of the children becomes a shared responsibility between the mom and The Well’s childcare workers. Moms at the Well still take sole responsibility for certain needs like diaper changes but have the ability to step away to get their other work done. They know motherhood is a full-time gig, but The Well is making it possible for women to pursue their dreams as a mother and an individual.
“[The Well] gives women the opportunity to live their dreams still, and be a really good mom”.
Kara explains how real mom-guilt can be and how challenging it is for a parent to leave their child in the sole care of another human.
“I also have a very sincere, deep heart for the church and for what it’s become and what I think it should be. And I feel like we’re all kinda moving towards our authentic purposes and not pretending anymore. I think I pretended for 12 years at that church, all for the sake of being okay, and there wasn’t a safe space to share I wasn’t when I wasn’t”.
Kara expands, “I want to be a place that’s open and loving to anyone who walks in, and also safe! A lot of women have been hurt in this world, I want to create an environment that they feel safe in and feel like they can be their authentic self.”
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“There’s just a lot of pain, but in spite of it I had this child-like faith and joy that God gave me, and I share my story when He tells me to. And it’s why I think I’m here (at The Well) too, I love to share what I’ve come through and overcome because it gives them all hope.”
Something that really stood out to us is that Kara extends this same passion to her volunteers and staff. Humans can be hard, and Kara is intentional about creating a culture where her team takes the time to learn from one another.
Someone’s gonna understand. We had a girl recently who had a miscarriage and was very open about it on social media and shared a lot, and I was able to sit with her, comfort her, and share my story of losing multiple babies.” Kara describes the freedom that comes when you find someone who’s had a similar experience.
With safety being a theme throughout Kara’s life, we asked her when she first felt safe in the world.
Kara described the differences between Texas and San Diego cultures. Her experience in Texas was immersed in performance and upholding appearances and religious traditions. The Texas culture she came to know was extremely friendly but also lacked privacy and empathy for another’s life story.
Kara’s heart for The Well is deeply rooted in her personal experience. After navigating trauma, bullying, church hurt, health concerns, multiple miscarriages, and marital redemption, she has fostered The Well community to be a safe space where women can share their whole story, even the parts that can be more challenging to process.
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“I definitely felt safe in my home, my parents are awesome!”
Kara explains that the generation that raised her wasn’t one to talk about things. “Everything got swept under the rug. The whole baby boomer generation wasn’t vulnerable. So, if something was wrong, I would hear, ‘don’t say that, you’re okay. Chin up. Just move forward and you’ll be okay.” Plus, I’m from Texas.”
“Because I was so visible and so out there in the open, I feel like everybody felt like they knew me really well and so they could then weigh in on my life”.
Moving to San Diego, Kara recalls opening up to a new friend with her whole life story and was surprised when she later learned that they hadn’t shared the story with anyone else, not even their own husband.
“That, I’d say, is what I found to be the theme of my San Diego time. People would tell me, it wasn’t their story to share.” Kara had never heard that before, because growing up in Texas, everything was everyone else’s business. “I grew up in a place where my story was everyone else’s news.”
For Kara, San Diego has been a home where she can simply exist with her family and heal, it has been a balm to her soul. Although, she did tell us that she misses how friendly people are in Texas!
“My heart for the world is to be like, ‘we’re not okay all the time.’ This needs to be a place that you can come to, and you can fall apart and know that someone’s gonna catch you.
“We’re empowering women in the sense of business but we’re also empowering people in their stories,” says Kara. All while their kids are thriving and having the time of their lives in the rooms next door.
With a wonderful team filling in the business pieces, Kara also describes the teeter between the creative and relational aspects of her role, versus the many necessary tasks that she doesn’t feel gifted in or called to. Sometimes we get the opportunity to do exactly what we dreamt of doing, and other times we find ourselves in assignments that don’t appear like an exact fit but have such great purpose in our lives and in the lives of others. Kara’s transparency encourages us to persevere and gives us hope that nothing is wasted.
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This is Kara, the woman behind The Well.
“To me, sometimes it doesn’t make sense that I’m running this place. But it makes sense that I am the advocate and the ambassador for it because I can tell the story and I love it.”
Wife, mom, daughter, friend, music major, classical singer, actress, writer, business leader, Jesus lover, overcomer, worship leader, advocate, dreamer, new age Mr. Rogers.
The refreshment The Well offers isn’t just for members but begins at the core of Kara’s team, and this is a direct reflection of her leadership.
“I want to create content for children that teaches them good things. I want to teach these values that are biblical principles that are not preached. I pretty much want to be the next Mr. Rogers!” Kara continues by sharing her dream of a holistic approach to family, where men, women, and their children are sharing their authentic stories and continuously learning. This is just a part of the future envisioned for her and the Well.
“We do a lot of StrengthsFinder stuff here to keep our team in unity. We do really work hard for that peace, and we’ve really, really worked for our friendship. We guard that relationship by just checking in with each other weekly.” Kara elaborates how bringing everything to light during weekly check-ins is a vital part of bringing security to their culture. “We keep this culture safe by being safe for each other.”
We asked Kara how we can help at The Well, and she reported that funding is their greatest need. All are welcome at The Well and their team works hard to meet each woman where they are emotionally, spiritually, and even financially.
As her final thoughts, Kara left us with this note: “It is so important to me for my kids to know that not everyone looks like them or has the things they have in every single person in this world has a story. They will have a story one day too, and God has called us to steward our stories well. Stories impact everyone. It’s, in fact, the best way to teach children and grownups alike. And we can use them to impact other people’s lives. I want my kids to see the value in this because I want them to love people above anything else they do in this world.
Donations can be made on their website | https://twcfw.org
The Well offers monthly memberships and alternative payment options like minimal trade service agreements for volunteers. An example of this arrangement is a woman who volunteers her skills in branding in exchange for a free day of workspace with childcare. In addition to coworking space, The Well hosts weekly enrichment events like worship nights, mommy-andme classes, strengths finder classes, homeschooling 101, women’s marketplace, and storybook workshops for the kiddos! The Well is also partnered with other local non-profits such as GRACE (Girls Rising Above Child Exploitation) and We See You San Diego, with the shared goal of supporting families in need. Not only are Kara and The Well taking steps to help families, but are also calling families to come together in order to serve the people of their community. Through their multiple partnerships, Kara hopes to bring a handson experience to kids and adults alike as they look around at the needs of people and do their best to meet them. In order for The Well to continue its pursuit of making a difference in the lives of mothers, children, and entire families throughout San Diego, funding and childcare help are a necessity. If you are interested in donating to supporting The Well or just love spending time with babies and toddlers, go to The Well’s website listed below.
As my role model, Mr. Rogers says, ‘Frankly, There isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love once you’ve heard their story.’” Follow Kara and The Well Community for Women | @thewellcommunityforwomen | @thewellcommunityforwomen
BEHIND THE BRAND FEATURING ADELYNE MARIE AND BENJAMIN EDMONDS of MOSH HAIR STUDIO Written by Des Dare Barragan 015
“I think that was the idea, of just having a place where people can come together and just be themselves. If you’re going through a hard time, we’re going to be here for you. If you’re up and dancing, we’re gonna dance with you,” says Addy. Ben adds, “Four letter words are powerful and they carry a lot of weight in a small pronunciation. I think MOSH has a similar kind of effect where you say one word and there’s a flood of ideas and imagery that comes to mind just like a lot of four-letter words.”
“The more time you spend with an individual the broader the vision and interpretation of their life is, and you start to respect them more and more. So MOSH, an originally four letter word, on second thought a four-word phrase, and on third thought a lifetime of experience inviting our community to come and be a part of our lives.”
At first introduction, Addy and Ben are as cool as the name of their hair studio.
Addy donned a summer dress showing off her velvet strapped heels paired with some hot pink lipstick and a choppy layered haircut. Ben’s hands were dressed in eclectic rings, accompanied by a top hat and an opened button tee. Hospitality filled the room, as Ben opened the door for the Visible team, and Addy ran to the back room to make us drinks, they both checked to ensure our team was comfortable. The cool vibe and welcoming demeanor were a prelude to their life stories.
“We saw a thousand heads of hair dancing in a crowd, and we didn’t know anybody individually. It was a bunch of very unique individuals gathered in one place to try to enjoy the experience of life”.
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Where did a name like MOSH come from? Addy explains how during the pandemic they were watching television and a punk rock video came on with people just moshing it out.
This is MOSH, a South Park hair studio founded and built by business partners and fiancés, Benjamin Edmonds and Adelyne Marie. MOSH. A single word that captures vibrant imagery of an individual’s expression and loving community.
“We were talking about names and we had this long list of names. And I said, what about Mosh? Just like heads of hair and all this individual expression. And he said, ‘I love it! But people might think we’re too violent, we’re not violent Thispeople.’”led Addy to dig into the etiquette of a mosh pit. She discovered that in a mosh pit everyone comes together to form a sort of family. If you fall someone will pick you up, and you’re encouraged to dance to your own beat without rules or requirements. This display of community was one that really hit home for the couple. Being the wordsmith he is, Ben brought a dual meaning to the name, suggesting that MOSH also be an acronym for Masters Of Sexy Hair. That was it!
“I said no, hair is going to be my backup, this is my backup plan”.
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Addy tells us that she had loved doing hair since she was a kid. She was known for doing her sister’s hair and mom’s hair, and whenever there was a local event she’d be asked to style hair.
This was at just a year old! Addy’s parents saw an opportunity and used the play scissors as a bartering tool to motivate little Addy to sleep in her own room. She took the scissors and has slept in her own room ever since!
Addy: spontaneous, off-the-wall, caring, always learning, reliability met with just the right lack of discipline. She grew up in the small town of Shafter, near Bakersfield, or what she describes as the hot pit of California.
By the young age of 12, Addy knew she wanted to move away and see the world. At age 18, she graduated high school, began working full time as a payroll manager, and was attending night school en route to becoming a neurologist. Despite her fascination with the brain and how it works, Addy found herself drained and miserable. She began acting out and rebelling against the childhood values that had been instilled in her.
“My mom looked at me and she was like, ‘What’s going on, what’s wrong, this isn’t like you, you seem so unhappy.’ I was like, I am, I don’t know what I’m doing. She’s like, ‘Well, what do you want to do?’ The first thing that came out of my mouth was, I want to chop hair! And she’s like, ‘Well there you go, you have to tell your dad.’”
Dad really came around and with his support, Addy enrolled at the Paul Mitchell school for cosmetology.
“The second I walked through the door, and I saw everyone there, I was like these are my people. So many different types of people, tattoos, crazy hair, and I thought, ‘that’s what I wanna do!’”
Unable to complete college himself, it was Addy’s father’s dream to put all his children through school. He wanted Addy to finish school and then pursue hair, so she’d have a degree as backup.her
“That’s just what I did, and I grew up around it but I didn’t really think of it as a career per se. It all makes sense when you start going backward in my life. When I was a little child, my mom and dad went to Costco and I was with them and I saw this pair of play scissors and I was like, ‘I want them, I want them!’”
At age 21, Addy put her beloved scissors to use and began working at a salon in West Hollywood. That’s where her story with at the time co-worker, Ben, began.
Ben grew up in the coal region of Pottsville, Pennsylvania. A town with the oldest brewery in America and once bustling with business, Pottsville faced a rapid decline which left empty silk mills, empty warehouses, and a population of about 10,000 people with little opportunity. Two hundred dollars in hand, two suitcases to his name, and with no destination in mind, 18-year-old Ben left his hometown.
A curious seeker, Ben enjoys establishing rhythms in life. The intentionally slow pace that ensures all around him are treated with respect is juxtaposed with an internal frenzy to live in the things that will continue to matter decades from now.
“A lot of times I have to forget about the future as well. Right now is all that I have, what does living right now look like? Every time I cut somebody’s hair, it forces me to slow down and say, ‘All right you’re in front of me right now, I can’t think about who I am or what I want to be, who I’m trying to become.’ I have to say ‘who are you and how can I help you become who you want to become? What are your wildest dreams? What do you want to think of yourself as? And how do we make that into a haircut or an interaction.’”
A mighty survivor, he had the gift of life and remained steadfast in pursuing it. At age 24, Ben began work in the salon where he met Addy.
“I was hitchhiking and a car dropped me off in the middle of a three-foot blizzard, and I had an infection with red streaks up my arm and I stumbled into the hospital. The Doctor’s jaw dropped when he saw me. He said, ‘We have to amputate your arm right now!’ So they threw me on a gurney, cut my clothes off, put a gas mask on, and knocked me out. I woke up and I still had my arm!”
Addy and Ben’s love story began with a first date at the screening of Edward Scissor Hands in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. After five years working at the salon in LA, the couple had a longing for adventure, bought a van, and moved to Mexico. They traveled, lived life on the road with their dog, and made a living doing hair for weddings. On July 4, 2012, the couple crossed the border to San Diego. Clothed in dirt, two-week-old sweat, seawater, and body odor, Addy and Ben headed to Golden Hill to use a friend’s shower.
Little did they know then, that they were gaining skills they would bring into opening their own hair studio. During those first years in San Diego, Addy explored jobs in teaching chess to kids, administration, and competitive ballroom dancing. Ben overcame his fear of men’s cuts, obtained his barber’s license, and started working for his first barbershop in Normal Heights.
“You couldn’t carry a couch up there, you couldn’t carry a bed up there so we bought pieces, and we’d build furniture up in the room just to create a little home safe space. So we built a bed, we built some little shelving space with cinder blocks and boards, and it was kind of our first experience with building everything from nothing”.
Addy recalls, “Our original intent was to go up to Portland or Washington, somewhere up the coast and we ended up just staying here and we never Initiallyleft.” a pit stop, San Diego became home for Addy and Ben. They were offered rent-free living in the third-story sunroom of a friend’s home on 25th and A Street. The sunroom sat at the top of a spiral staircase, making it impossible to transport furniture.
“After that experience, when I had both my hands and both arms, I said, ‘I have to do something with my life.’ So I put myself through beauty school and after I got through beauty school I moved up to Los Angeles and worked my damndest to try to get a job.”
“I originally joined a religious institution in Texas for a year and lived in a community on 400 acres. We were trying to change the world for the good, but it started to get a little twisted. Conspiracies started happening, the FBI warranted for arrest, and all of a sudden MSNBC did a private investigation and declared it a cult. So I spent my first year after high school in a cult. When I left, I bought a ticket to San Diego and I moved here with little to Bennothing.”explains that he knew there had to be other ways to live than what the cult believed. After moving to San Diego, he made some friends in Oceanside and spent time unlearning and trying to neutralize his cult life by working at a local bar and a coffee shop, and acclimating to society. By age 22, Ben was back on the move and confronted with a near-death experience.
After a six-month long break from cutting hair due to an injury from a motorcycle accident, Ben was determined to work within walking distance of their home. Just two blocks away was Tiger Eye hair. Ben hit it off with the owner and was hired onspot.the
Despite her great success in ballroom dancing, Addy shares how taxing it was on their relationship. With opposite schedules, the two became ships passing in the night. Addy always knew she would go back to cutting hair, and so she did. On Ben’s word and a quick vetting from the owner, Addy was given a spot at Tiger Eye.
“We went to work later on that day and our phones are ringing and I’m in the middle of a haircut, and he had just finished up,” states Addy. “The landlord was like, ‘hey I have someone who’s ready to sign, it’s now or never, you have five minutes to tell me why you think I should give it to you guys instead.’”
“The news started saying, ‘You’re going to get it from your hairdresser. You’re going to get it from your barber. That’s the most dangerous place to be, that and the gym.’ It came crashing down, and out of respect and dignity for human life we said let’s take two weeks off, two weeks turned into four weeks, four weeks turned into three months.”
Addy and Ben shared how much they loved it at Tiger Eye and thought they would be there for as long as they could, but March of 2020 hit and the world as hairdressers knew it began shutting down.
Ben continues, “We hadn’t even confirmed that we were going to start our own salon. We were just kind of aimlessly wandering again, looking for the next chance at life. When they called me I was like, I should really talk to Addy to make sure she wants to do this.”
But there was no time, the landlord wanted the answer on the spot, and Ben went for it! The Wednesday morning before Thanksgiving, Addy and Ben walked into 3020 Juniper Street with their first month’s rent.
“We waited 48 hours for the callback and then we had five minutes to say do or die! And we went for it, we just did it” Ben and Addy chime together.
“The whole hairdressing industry took a catastrophic shift. It was one of those nobody saw it coming, and hairdressers just stopped working for a few years. So people that were close to retirement retired early and people with big salons shut the big salons down. You see everyone going to these small little studio units, or little two-chair, four-chair salons. Being in a 15-person room for an hour at a time was a no-go. It was a major shift, and it gave us the chance to become business owners. If it wasn’t for that I think we would have been very happy working at our previous salon for a long time”.
Addy and Ben were faced with big decisions for sustaining their livelihood during an unexpected pandemic. They started looking around for spaces to rent and one Sunday while enjoying a croissant at Mateo’s, they spotted a for rent sign across the street. The couple had made an attempt to purchase a property off of 30th when they first moved to San Diego, so they thought there was no way they could afford South Park. Yet, they still inquired and a few days later went to view the space.
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Addy describes how she wanted a brick wall to bring in a bit of Ben’s east coast background and a New York loft feel. They couldn’t afford a full brick wall so they improvised by hand cutting little bricks to line the bottom of the main entrance.
From there, step-by-step decisions were made as they were discovered. Everything was back-ordered due to the pandemic, so things like one-of-a-kind Spanish tiles and affordable wood were hard to find. The couple went back and forth to Home Depot, Lowe’s, and specialty stores gathering the best they could, and oftentimes the last items in stock. They’ve become researched experts in types of wood from pine to canary wood and aromatic cedar characterized by natural pesticides and sun-sensitive color. Sometimes they chose to splurge and other times they took the DIY approach.
Addy explains, “We’d worked together but he was always at his chair with his client, I was with my chair with clients, we’d hang out, have lunch together. Actually having to make every single decision together. At times it was great and other times I was like oh my gosh what’re we doing, what’re we doing, why are we doing this? And then you remember why you’re doing it.”
Ben recounts, “We freshly painted the walls, we don’t have the right tools. I have a table here with my knee up on it and I’m using a diamond cutter to saw the bricks off and it’s spitting red dust everywhere, all over our fresh walls!”
Ben found a piece of mesquite wood from a lumber yard, old sewing machine drawers, and matching mirrors to piece together his original barber station. Every little square foot was gold, so they cut the legs off desks and mounted what would become three hairdresser stations. With only 60 pieces of a rare Spanish tile, Ben implemented precision and patience to design the custom tile work that frames the small nook above their two shampooing bowls. And when the tile cracked, they rolled with it!
The COVID-19 pandemic propelled many into unforeseen roles. There has been much pain and loss but also new dreams and priorities set in motion.
“We didn’t have a plan. It was overnight we decided to become business owners, and we thought, there’s gotta be a class! There’s no class, there’s no education. For us it was like you gotta start building this because the rent’s taken every month!” declares Ben.
Addy’s hunger for learning came into play as they were launched into studying things they never knew you would need to know. For about a year they set aside their scissors and clippers for blueprints, paper, rulers, and pencils.
Addy and Ben encountered sound curfews, powered through loud and long days of construction, navigated the pandemic world with their neighboring businesses, and worked hard to ensure everything was secure and placed with purpose.
“And that’s the thing, order of operations, you don’t know that until you realize, ‘We have paint let’s paint right now,’” states Addy.
Every single piece in the room was a decision made in partnership.
Addy and Ben tailored custom works, like the welcome mat of 70’s retro penny tiles that are meticulously laid across 54 and a half inches, and spell out the greeting, “Come Get Some.”
Ben & Addy began with what they knew, “We knew there were old tiles in here, we knew we wanted to get the floor out of here, we knew we wanted more than one chair. We need at least a chair for me and a chair for her, then we had the thought ‘Can we make this profitable as opposed to just barely getting by and adding two more?’”
“Because we built our first room in the sunroom, we had some experience in painting and sanding and working together. Eight years later we’re able to transfer that into building wooden stations.”
Succeeding the legacy of the salon owner before them, Addy and Ben desire to care for their community through love, deliberate interaction, and a little mosh pit etiquette. Follow MOSH Hair Studio Instagram | @moshhair Book your next cut at www.moshhairstudio.com 022
“We feel very fortunate to have the chance to create our little corner in San Diego, that we were able to put together in our own unique taste and perspective, and then just open our doors to the people in the community that want to support us. There’s a million and a half people that live here and we just need a few hundred to make a livelihood, so hopefully, we find our people in San Diego that come through, or people traveling through, and we get to share a moment of their lives and make them feel loved and beautiful and handsome. At the same time, we get to live our life.”
Addy and Ben have accomplished a trendy space that invites people in, no matter who they are. Spanning from computer engineers to punk rockers, bartenders, coffee baristas, attorneys, parents, and babies, MOSH is a home that welcomes all in. Ben unveils, “We get such a unique take on the society we live in because there’s somebody from each niche of life that comes in here and creates such a broad perspective of how people all get along, and how they make their livelihood. For us to be able to be there for them before every first date, before their weddings, before their job interviews. They always come to get their hair done right before a life changing event.”
This statement was a mind-boggling revelation. Our hairdressers get to share in some of the most memorable and monumental stages of our lives. Beyond industry and business, humans like Addy and Ben seek to be intertwined with the personal stories of their community.
023 SD FEATURINGSONICSMICHAELPINNING Written by Sammy Noelle
Thanks to Kat’s unabashed and loving honesty, Michael made the decision to retire from his college experience and began, as Michael says, “playing the game” of building a career for himself in the music industry. In his newly-found “dream-chasing” era, 20-year-old Michael began to write his own music, and he never looked back.
It becomes immediately apparent how integral music has been in Michael’s life. He grew up in a musical family, including his 2 uncles, Peter and Jim, who have been touring with Jimmy Buffett for over 30 years. While he was surrounded by music his whole life, the catalyst for Michael’s musical passion was brought on during a family reunion when Michael was 11 years old. After an evening of instruments being passed around to different family members, one of them being Michael, his dad asked if he wanted to try playing guitar. Michael’s response: “I don’t know, sure. I tried sports, don’t like sports. Tried all these other things, don’t like those.” Cue Michael’s pursuit of what would become a lifelong purpose. During his middle school years, Michael states that music was the only thing he cared about. This is the era he refers to as his “emo” phase, filled with a tone of hopeless romance and heartbreak when it came to his musical tastes, even edging into hardcore and metal at times. And though his chase after being the next Blink-182 with his friends didn’t stand the test of time, his passion for music and what it could do for himself and others sure did. It was in the midst of his time at Concordia University, where he was pursuing a career as a youth pastor, that a new tone was established in Michael’s musical taste. The completion of Michael’s program guaranteed a job for him, and yet, a part of Michael felt an echoing uncertainty about his college career. He shares that he never experienced the assurance within himself that Concordia was the right path for him, especially when it seemed like music was all he could think about. Feeling stuck with a decision that would affect the direction of his future, his best friend at the time, now wife, Kat Pinning, brought the first push he needed to step onto a new path of pursuing music full-time. He recalls a conversation he had with Kat when he was home for Christmas break one year (he found himself spending more with Kat’s family than his own) when Kat suddenly said, “Do what makes you happy. You’re passionate about music, so why are you not doing that? You should be doing that.” From that point on, Michael knew music was a dream he needed to invest in.
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It’s late morning on a sunny Thursday as Michael Pinning walks through the doors of Dark Horse Coffee in South Park to meet us for his interview. He’s intentionally dressed with an understated yet distinct feel to his attire and carries an authentic but effortless smile on his face as he greets us. A few minutes later, with a cold brew coffee in hand, we sit down to hear about the journey that makes up Michael Pinning’s story.
Flashforward to present-day Michael, a worship pastor at Restoration Church, happily married to his best friend with two dearly-adored pups and living out his dream as a songwriter and musician. From his unexpected Ramona roots to now, the heartbeat of Michael’s music has shifted from hopelessly romantic to hope-driven inspiration for himself and those around him. Rather than the hopeful dissatisfaction he had experienced in high school and college, he had a newfound hope, one of contentment with the here and now.
In his own words, Michael describes the shift in his songwriting and musical taste throughout the years: “Currently I feel like I’ve finally hit a place where rather than looking to the future, a lot of what I’m trying to write and what I’m drawn to is what’s happening now and how complex it is to be human and how real that is. But also I don’t want to leave it at a point of, ‘Hey life sucks,’ I really want it to be, ‘Hey this is really hard, but know that either you’re not alone or it will get better.’”
When we asked Michael about the role that Kat played in his creative journey since then, it’s clear that the conversation over his Christmas break was the first of many times Kat’s perspective would aid in his decision-making. Michael praises the strengths of his wife and the role they’ve played in his creative endeavors, saying, “Since that moment, she’s always been a sounding board for creative ideas, and in any moment of self-doubt, she’s always the first one to tell me, ‘No, I believe in you wholeheartedly and I would not lie to you. I’d tell you if you sucked!’” Michael laughs, “Her honesty is one of my favorite parts about her.”
The past 12 years have brought Michael’s writing process into an evolved place with less rigidity, but more consistency. He explains that sometimes a song is birthed from time spent journaling, and other times he’ll sit down in his home studio and begin building a track, see what emotion that track exudes, and build in his lyrical content from there. He shares, “It’s become a lot more methodical. Now I’m trying to push myself to just do it, rather than wait for inspiration. Because, throughout the process, something will spark, and I’ll be inspired to write it.”
In poetic summary, Michael shares that there is a hopeful thread infused through all of his music. “That’s a big part of what I try to do, is weave hope into whatever I’m Michael’swriting.”
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songwriting journey started in the form of rules and formulas and calculated positivity, but as we dove a little deeper into Michael’s writing process, he says, “I really wanted to be the next Andy Grammer, and I wanted all my songs to be positive and upbeat. And then people only really liked my mellow, sad songs, because they were the only real, authentic things I would write. Everything else was forced.”
“A lot of times the challenging thing is, I’ll say something, but then I’ll think, ‘Well, I don’t want to say that. That feels like too much.’”
About three years ago, Michael partnered with producer John True, and the two have been writing and working together ever since. Michael talks of how the pieces of the process that John has brought into the art of songwriting provide him with scenarios to grow and challenge his ability and end product. For example, they will be working on a track together and John asks Michael, “What emotion does this song make you feel?” Once they come to an agreement on the feeling of the song, John will inquire further, asking Michael about what life experiences he’s had where he strongly felt that emotion. From there, real-life emotions from reallife situations are brought into a sonic space and paired with the instrumentation of the track.
“I’ve learned to be a lot more honest.”
A statement that rings true throughout what seems to be every area of Michael’s life. This journey to honesty is one that Michael describes as a little terrifying. He’s not one to want to rock the boat, because, as he says, “I’m a 9 on the Enneagram, afraid of conflict, would love for things to just be smooth and palatable for everyone.” He elaborates upon this by saying that sugar-coating things in order to make them easier to swallow for others has always been his M.O.
We asked Michael about what helps with his internal dialog when he’s mustering up the courage to speak out with his opinion. “It’s been a long journey. Through therapy, through marriage, through friendships, I’ve found that if I avoid it and in the end, it still comes out, it’s way worse because of all the build-up. So there’s this internal dialog of, ‘It’s going to get there. This will either have to be said or it will be said, no matter what.’ If I hold it in myself, I’ll reach a point where I’ll only be hurting myself because I’m holding back and then I feel like I have to mask myself or put on some sort of air just to keep the peace.”
“So, doing that [being fully honest] in writing, has definitely helped me in real life. Because when I’ve been more honest, it’s been way better received with an emotional response.” Michael summarizes this thought so beautifully and completely, “If people respond that way when I put it out with my art, they will also respond that way in real life and in conversation.”
This is not a thought process that his writing partner will let him stay in. Michael explains John’s response in these moments, “No, you’re going to say that. Because that’s real.”
“Like, okay, it’s a breakup song. Well, I’ve experienced probably one breakup in my life, and currently, happily married!” Michael laughs, and continues, “So how do I write a sad breakup song that’s going to feel honest and real?” John and Michael’s creative relationship is what Michael attributes this new way of writing to.
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Even in circumstances where Michael feels that his current life experiences aren’t matching up to the theme of an in-process tune, he digs a little deeper to find those emotions within himself to write a story about something he may have limited experience in.
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@michaelpinning TikTok | @michael_pinning Listen to Michael’s music on Spotify, Apple Music, and all streaming platforms Check out Michael’s Website www.michaelpinning.com Subscribe to Michael’s YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/MichaelPinning
He gives us more context as he shares about himself a few years back when he was working his previous job at a youth theatre company. “Before I worked at Restoration, during my last few years working for the theatre company, I was just a shell of a person, because I wasn’t being honest with myself, with the people I worked with, with anybody about the things that I felt. I was just trying to appease the masses with all the things I doing.”was
Michael reminds himself as he shares with us, “Take that step of bravery now because it’ll be easier to do now than it is later.”
When asked for something to leave our readers with, Michaels says, “I hope it comes across in my music, but truth and kindness and love will get you very far. So be true to yourself, but always be kind with that.”
A reminder that is hopeful and honest, both fitting words to describe Michael Pinning.
Michael’s new EP comes out on his birthday, September 6th, and we can’t wait to hear it! Be sure to give it a listen, and then another, and again after that, because we have no doubt that it will be music to fill your soul and make you feel seen. Follow Michael on Social Media Instagram |
Without a doubt, Michael’s life is marked by intentionality. From his music to his marriage to his work life and his artistic side projects, there’s not a moment where Michael fails to connect his head and heart to his actions. His consistency as a human and artist is admirable, and the steps he’s made to show the world the value he so clearly brings to it are ones that we find exciting.
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It’s beyond obvious that Michael has put in the work to live out his worth by being bold with his words. “It’s taken a lot of fighting for myself.” This journey isn’t without Michael’s internal fear of disappointing people. However, with reassurance, he states, “If something is damaged because of my honesty, we will rebuild and it will be okay. As long as we speak the truth with love and kindness, it’s going to work out.”
REBUILDINGFEATURINGAMANDAMOONELLEVIS Written by Des Dare Barragan
Amanda shares her history with emotional challenges, including an eating disorder that she carried in secret through most of her adolescence. Her eating disorder was centered on feeling shameful about her body–she constantly thought she was heavier than she was–and placed extreme pressure on her appearance. These feelings were only heightened by the perceived cultural expectations of being a musician and a woman.
“He was the first person who said, ‘I don’t think you’re crazy, I don’t think anything’s wrong with you, I think people just misunderstand you.’ I didn’t have a lot of people in my life telling me that.”
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“Looking back, I’m like wow I did a lot by myself, and I was proud of what I’ve done. We have some pictures and videos that I hold onto but it just felt like I was going nowhere, I was making no progress in life.”
In 2013, Amanda was a young vocalist and pianist, a full-time student, and volunteered at a nonprofit music venue in Northern California.
This is a familiar mentality for many, feeling as though if things don’t happen now, they never will. Amanda found it hard to promote herself and secure a career in music without help, and it was then that she met a man on a dating app who seemed to have connections in the music industry. With smooth talking language, he assured her that what would happen over the course of the next several years was normal. He said it was something everyone in the music industry did, and it was an opportunity for financial security.
“To me, the first thing is identity. Who are you? And even if you don’t know, and you don’t figure it out right away, you start thinking about it, ‘well what makes me, me?’”. Meet Amanda.
Amanda is a Grant Writer and manages social media for San Diego’s Alabaster Jar Project (AJP), a program that offers housing and empowerment for survivors of human trafficking and sexual exploitation. A survivor herself, Amanda recently released a self-help book for survivors of sexual exploitation. This is Amanda’s first published book, but she has written multiple fiction pieces that contain parallel storylines to her personal experiences. In a world of movies like Pretty Women that do not depict stories like hers, writing has served as a creative outlet to process her experience and healing.
“People always ask, ‘why didn’t you leave?’”
“He was pretty abusive, but at that point, I hadn’t seen a lot of it because I was the new one. I was new, so she got all the brunt of the abuse,” Amanda described how she thought the physical abuse would only happen to the other girl, and not to her.
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Amanda explains it all happened slowly over time. Things were taken away, she stopped going to school, quit her job, and moved out of her parent’s house. She tried to leave several times, and although she was not held against her will, leaving would result in her being homeless. At the time, she had nowhere to go and had nothing to her name. That kept her with her trafficker for a long time.
Amanda recalls, “He was the first one to tell me, ‘I don’t think you’re fat.’” Amanda desired acknowledgment, which is a deep human need. For someone else to see you as you are, and love you.
Amanda recounts the first time she tried to leave her trafficker. It was on a trip to La Mesa where she was sent on a train all the way down from Northern California to find that her trafficker hadn’t given her enough money for a cab from the station. He would not answer his phone, and, in a state of panic, Amanda was forced to call her dad for help with money. By the time Amanda walked into the hotel, she was in tears. The trafficker eventually called only to have Amanda wire money back to him. Once she did, he claimed that the amount was not enough and threatened to physically hurt her.
Despite his projected persona, Amanda’s trafficker victimized more than one woman at the same time. She reports that each woman was aware, but they did not get along. In one case, there was another woman that was being physically battered by the trafficker.
“He was what you call a Romeo. In order for his persona to work, there couldn’t be anyone else in the picture.”
“I lived there, and I helped him pay rent. I got a job right away and things were going better. I was contributing with groceries and everything.”
“Something clicked where I was like, ‘I’m just gonna leave, I’m just gonna leave right now and not say anything.’ I just listened to this little voice, ‘you should leave, like right now!’ And I literally, I left right then.”
Claiming he no longer participated in sexual exploitation and that he simply wanted to hang out, Amanda went to meet him. They hung out just a couple of times. Then one day he picked her up from work, they went to his house, and she was exploited again. With pain in her voice, Amanda did not focus on the acts that were committed but disclosed that this took place at his house two weeks after he first texted her, and within another two weeks she was back working in hotels for him. The abuse and violence were worse than before.
“Out of the blue my trafficker found me on social media, he found me on Instagram, and it was like no time had passed.”
“We got in a fight at the Sand Bar, and he pulled me out of the restaurant by my hair and hit me in the face, and there were just people walking by, no one stopped. No one did anything, and I was by myself, and my phone had like 13% and I didn’t have a charger cause he never let me carry anything with me. I thought that was going to be it. I had a friend who had been through similar situations who I knew lived in the area, and I said, ‘I don’t know what to do. Can you come to get me?’ And she came and she begged me not to go back to the hotel.”
Still, she gained the courage to leave that relationship and returned to Northern California with only one suitcase to her name. With limited options, she searched for a home and found a friend who offered to share a studio in Oakland, CA.
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Following this, Amanda found a shelter but it did not provide the depth of care she needed. Leaving the shelter, she began dating a different man and encountered repeated physical abuse which led her to accept that this is just how men behaved. Abuse became normal for Amanda.
“He said to me, ‘You know, I know where your parents live, right?’ And I just hung up.”
As soon as she boarded a coaster to North County, San Diego, she received a phone call from her trafficker who was at the hotel searching for her; she had just missed him.
From there, Amanda began renting a room on her own from a woman she worked with.
We could hear the triumph in Amanda’s voice and see the victory in her smile, she was free.
Determined to retrieve her belongings, Amanda returned to the hotel where her trafficker was waiting. Met with extreme violence, Amanda was badly injured and isolated. No longer employed, she had forfeited her room for rent and had limited communication with her family.
“I knew this time if I was going to leave for good, I had to play it cool, find a moment when he was distracted and go the other way.”
“They didn’t understand and I didn’t know how to explain it to them,” says Amanda.
“He didn’t know that day that my friend had driven to where we were, and she had parked at the Burger King across the street. So when he left to take this other girl home, I just literally came down the stairs, and she was right there, and we left!”
There was only one friend who knew the extent of everything happening.
Amanda informs us that domestic violence shelters are typically unable to house human trafficking and sexual exploitation survivors. This can be a result of having to honor specific funding or a higher risk of gang association and liability of facing a collective of abusers. Trafficking and exploitation victims may also encounter higher levels of PTSD and addiction. With the domestic violence shelters not being an option, there was only one human trafficking shelter in the bay area but it had a poor track record and high turnover rate.
Amanda chose to contact an organization in San Diego, Generate Hope. Though they didn’t have an opening for another three to six months, the founder told Amanda about a brand new organization called the Alabaster Jar Project located in North County, San Diego. Amanda called and moved in a month later.
“The reason why I came back down to San Diego, and stayed in San Diego, is because there were no resources up north.”
“I would text her ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen.’ And then I’d go radio silent for 24-48 hours and she didn’t know what to do.” Amanda’s friend finally told her they couldn’t continue being friends if the same situation was going to keep happening. Her friend told her, “it’s too hard, every time I don’t hear from you I think you died.” Amanda would tell her she knew he wouldn’t kill her, but her friend said, “Sometimes violent people kill people on accident and I would never know what happened.” Amanda admits, “she was right.”
The care of a friend propelled Amanda into the confidence she needed to leave.
Thursday, June 13, 2022, marked six years from the day Amanda left her trafficker. And the very next day was the public launch of her book. A perfect way to celebrate her, as survivors call “freedom-versary.”it,
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“We learn this for two reasons. One, so we know how to recognize it in the future so it doesn’t happen again. The other reason is the chapter “Forgiving Yourself.” When we realize all the ways we’ve been played, we find more empathy for ourselves. At the book signing that was the chapter I read, and honestly, that was the first time I think I actually forgave myself.”
The book is written as a resource for recognizing abuse and is broken down into 15 chapters, each categorized with a practical goal for the reader to achieve. Every chapter has a reading portion followed by questions, formatted for both group discussion and individual journaling. This gives her readers tools to teach themselves.
Exploitation is described by Amanda as a survivor’s guide to achieving independence.
“We do have an emergency plan that you can fill out. Trafficked women often talk about money being a big trigger. What are you going to do if you are triggered about money? What happens when it comes down to the first of the month and you’re struggling to make rent come together? A lot of times with trafficked women, the instinct is to go back to trafficking. So I put in concrete steps to prevent you from doing that. But everything here is self-guided, so they’re going to make their own safety plan, and they’re going to decide what goes on the safety plan.”
Rebuild and Thrive presents daily human decisions from a survivor’s perspective. The chapters address topics such as living with roommates, safe living situations, preparing for a job interview, maintaining a job, dating and healthy relationships, appropriate paths to leadership, and even how to negotiate payment for things like mentorship and speaking
“Theengagements.mainthing is making it your own. You have all these life skills, you have all these things that are built on each other, now what? The truth is you can do whatever you want, you can do anything!”
Rebuild & Thrive also identifies eight common vulnerabilities of abuse and the specific techniques that predators use for human trafficking and sexual exploitation.
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Rebuild & Thrive: Emotional Healing and Foundational Life Skills for Survivors of Sexual
“I feel like you learn better when you figure it out on your own,” states Amanda.
describes her life story as gritty, yet we were filled with hope from the strength and conquering spirit she carries. By sharing her story, she’s created space for others to do the same. This is Amanda’s piece in bringing heaven here on earth.
Like every human story we meet, this cannot be the end of the conversation. We encourage you to sit and stay a while.
Amanda entered AJP as a survivor solely seeking help and has grown into a survivor teaching and leading others in freedom. We asked what that transition looked like for her. Amanda describes how it started with her seeing an opportunity for improvement, and she offered her services to maintain the AJP blog.
Amanda described how perfect the night of the book signing went. Her boyfriend’s jazz duo played music, people were relating to her chapter on self-forgiveness, and she was asked multiple times for photos with her.
Amanda progressed to working part-time as a grant writer for AJP, was able to quit her current job, and returned to schooltime.full
We couldn’t resist asking her how she would answer that “Anow.lot of people don’t like the word survivor, I think it’s really explanatory of me. I’m a survivor. I have a social work spirit but I’m a writer. That’s my trade, that’s what I do for a living and what I hope to do in the future. I’m also a Christian, I believe in bringing heaven to the people around Amandayou.”
Rebuild and Thrive makes room for survivors to choose decisions for themselves, and instills trust in one’s ability to be independent.
“It was the nicest thing anyone did for me, ever,” reminisces AmandaAmanda.noted that when she wrote the first chapter of her book, she didn’t know how to answer the question of identity for herself.
Get your copy of Rebuild and www.linktr.ee/amandamoonellevisThrive
Contacts for Immediate Help: Call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373Text7888HELP to BeFree (233733) Call the Rescue America Hotline at 1-713-322-8000
Follow Amanda on Instagram | @amandamoon_ellevis
When asked for a word of encouragement for our Visible readers, Amanda swiftly responded, “Keep Going”. This article is a glance into Amanda’s story and all that she’s survived. If you or anyone you know, is a victim of sexual exploitation and in need of help, please contact one of the immediate help resources below.
“Before my trauma, I would say I had a pretty full life and I accomplished a lot, and my parents, I don’t think they did a bad job. But because of what happened to me, trauma is so jarring that the first question in the book is ‘Who are you? What do you like?’. And I remember being like, I don’t know, what do I like?”
“I was like, I’ll volunteer, I’ll keep up your blog. And they were like, no, no, no, we’ll pay you! It wasn’t very much, it was 2 hours a week, but it gave me a little bit of hope. I was working at Stater Bros. and it just gave me something to look forward to, so it wasn’t just this endless cycle of working retail, and I had a sense of pride. I do take pride in my work, and I tried to make it look like a formal article, I didn’t want it to be a relaxed blog. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right. It kept developing and I had expressed interest in wanting to learn grant writing, and AJP paid for the courses!”
036 COMMON STRANGERS FEATURING ZAC FREEBORN HILL Written by Des Dare Barragan
“I’m Zac Freeborn Hill.” Freeborn is Zac’s given middle name, which he tells us he did not like growingup, “Not as a kid, I was like, this is a middle word! As I got older, I was like, ‘Wait, actually, this is kinda great,’” he says grinning through his big greenish-blue eyes. “Born free” were words literally spoken over Zac at birth, but it would be a journey for him to identify freedomhimself.for
Zac grew up in Bonita Valley, a town full of horses located in South County, San Diego. He had a stable childhood, raised by both his mom and dad, along with two sisters. Although, as soon as he completed his senior year at Bonita Vista High School, he knew it was time to move.
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“I thought, ‘I just wanna go somewhere where I feel really accepted’” states Zac. Zac was in his freshman year of high school when he began contemplating his sexuality. Without clarity, Zac’s grades began to slip, and he started to isolate himself. He even ceased extracurricular participation in band and running track. Tension rose between Zac and his parents which eventually led to a heated argument with his mom.
Zac shares his utmost gratitude for that friendship and how it has translated into him being strongly devoted to his current community, gay and queer outreach, and to mental health advocacy.
Zac tells us that it was complicated to still feel unaccepted even after moving to San Francisco. He wouldn’t describe his move as a failure, but it was complex. After a refreshing summer back home in San Diego, he returned to San Francisco and lived there for another four years. During the 038
Zac recalls one particular nurse’s visit: “I remember she was there one day and the nurse said, ‘Your son, he doesn’t fit in here.’”
Zac enrolled at San Francisco State University and began studying for a degree in Psychology. Within his first year, he had to move three times, including an unplanned and sudden cohabitation with a schoolmate he was dating.
“A lot of people have that question in their senior year of high school, but for someone who is queeridentified, there’s another layer of, ‘is it okay to be me? What does that mean?’ I was trying to piece a lot of that together. At that point I thought, ‘this is why I want to go to San Francisco, because it’s the gayest place I can think of and surely I’m going to be accepted here, right?’”
“It felt like we skipped like a hundred steps in a very short period of time. Some bad stuff unfolded and we had to live together for the next six months.”
“I remember my mom was really upset and she said, ‘Zac what’s going on with your grades? You’re pulling out of all this stuff.’ We were in an argument about this and I remember, I just shouted at her, ‘I’m gay!’ I just saw red and there was this upwelling of emotion. That was the first time I think I could bring language to it and the only way I think I knew how in the moment.”
“I had one friend who I talked to every day, and I think she’s probably the reason that I’m alive still today. A lot of kids go through this experience and they don’t survive.”
Zac’s mom tried to get the school nurse to be direct, but the nurse danced around the subject until his mom grasped what she was hinting at. Zac believes his mom’s perspective shifted that day, she could now see her son and how he was truly hurting there. In response to his suffering, Zac was transferred back to Bonita Vista for the remainder of high school. It was there that he met someone who was also closeted and struggling with their own mental health. His involvement with this person was very tangled and unsafe, and resulted in great turmoil.
two weeks, Zac transitioned to a religious school at a local church. Isolated and without his community from Bonita High, Zac spent a lot of the school year hiding and striving for the safety of his physical well-being.
Zac continues, “There was a ton of shock for my mom. I felt like she really internalized a lot of the whole interaction. There was a lot of, ‘Oh, how could this happen to me? I had no idea.’ A lot of that language, rather than, ‘Oh, we support you.’ There was less of a focus on me and more on her. My dad was not really shocked. He said he had a feeling, and he was a lot more supportive than my mom Withinwas.”
“What I would do when I was at this particular school was, I would often pretend to be sick and I would go and hang out in the nurse’s office, and I’d be there all the time. My mom would have to come to get me sometimes.”
“I was really just trying to pick up the pieces of who I was, trying to figure out, ‘who is Zac?’”
He laughs, “which of course is not true, but when you’re dating, and you get dejected, you so feel like that! I was the perpetual third wheel, that was so me for such a long time.”
Zac goes on to tell us, “He was really shocked and didn’t really know how to process what I had said. Because you know, I was really direct. It was one of the first moments in my life where I feel like I really just reclaimed my power.”
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With the recurring question of identity in his life and in the lives of those around him, this was a monumental switch for Zac. He found freedom in proclaiming who he is without depending on someone else to agree with it.
After a total of five years in San Francisco, Zac had a strong desire to move back to San Diego and be near family. Upon moving back Zac met Brady, his first official boyfriend. They connected on Tinder, but Brady lived in Bakersfield and was going to move to Seattle before getting the chance to meet Zac in person. Zac suggested trying to date long-distance. They went for it, and were together for about six months, traveling to and from San Diego and Seattle. After six months, Brady decided to move to San Diego and live with his sister. Within a month of the couple being in the same city, they broke up.
almost hear the head shake in Zac’s voice.
“Brady just had this moment where he was trying to figure out who he was. So there was a lot of that common theme for me again. [It] was like everyone was kinda trying to figure that out. Then fast forward, we’re doing this on again, off again thing for like a year and a half
Youafterward.”could
“Eventually we did kind of get to the point where I said no more, and I reclaimed that part of me too because [Brady] wasn’t sure what he wanted. Eventually, I said to him, ‘Our friendship, or what we’ve been doing, has come at a lot of personal suffering.’ So, I told him ‘I think it’d be better if we just parted ways, closed this chapter of our lives, and moved on.’”
Zac shares the story of his first date with Erik, and how upon meeting, they were stunned by how handsome the other was. The setting was Hallmark picturesque, with seats by the fireplace during Christmas time. The two stayed talking for five full hours, and they’ve been developing a relationship ever Zacsince.explains,
Zac declares, “I think just because somebody doesn’t agree with a decision that you make, doesn’t mean it’s a bad Withdecision.”newdetermination,
“There’s no way that younger Zac would believe this, but it is possible. I found a partner who meets me where I’m at and who is wonderful.”
With much time spent reflecting on the ins and outs of his past and present relationships, Zac has realized it’s simpossible to curate a life where bad feelings dodn’t exist. “I struggled a lot with anxiety growing up and for a while, I was really isolated.”
“Our relationship is very candid and honest, and I appreciate that, but I think there was a learning curve for both of us. We found ourselves saying, ‘Oh wow this is how we’re supposed to communicate.’ It was a little shocking but I just appreciated that. I felt for so long in my life I was hiding or I had to hide how I felt.”
“I have a partner who I love very much now. His name’s Erik and he’s just amazing. He’s everything I had wanted in a partner emotionally. He’s really in touch with how he feels, he’s available, attentive, patient, and I feel like I get out what I put into the relationship. Which is totally different than what I’m used to. I did not think I would have a partner who was like Erik, I guess. So it’s really great to be able to say that.”
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Zac reinforced his boundaries every time Brady reached out, and he established the confidence that he needed to move forward.
“I tried really hard with mom especially to get her approval, and I care a lot less about that now. It took a very long time. I remember when I came out I had told her, ‘Oh mom don’t worry, me being gay or queer, it’s such a small part of who I am. You don’t have to worry about that.’”
Due to his anxiety, Zach found himself unable to enter situations that required vulnerability or high risk. As he recalls that season, he states, “If I’m not vulnerable then I’m never in danger, right? I thought, ‘Well, all of these emotions and feelings, whether they’re good or not, color in our lives.’” Zac poetically expresses how he used to be stuck living in black and white, but he eventually found himself desiring to live a life in color. “So I did. It was complicated and scary, but I think that’s just a part of life. I had to learnthat.”
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“Therapy was really important for me personally, but also for my parents. It gave us the opportunity to talk in a space that was mediated and for everyone to feel like they were heard. Dad had been supportive pretty much the whole time, but mom especially needed some time for herself to reconcile her religious beliefs and my sexuality, and balance the two things.”
“It was challenging, there were a lot of moments where I wasn’t sure if she was going to come around. I knew she loved me, but I didn’t know if this was something she was going to be able to move past in our relationship. But eventually, she did. I felt comfortable enough to introduce my parents to my first boyfriend Brady, and they know Erik now.”
“I really minimized myself. Then I felt even more ashamed because my mom would go to Bible studies or church groups and people would ask her, ‘Oh you have a gay son, right?’ ‘How do you reconcile that?’ and then she would use language that I gave her. She’d say, ‘Being gay is such a small part of who he is.’”
“I was so ashamed that I did this.” Zac states.
Zac describes how progress in his relationship with his mom has been in the simple things that a straight person might take for granted. Questions like, “How’s Erik?” make all the difference in him feeling normal and accepted by his family.
Saying no to Brady was something Zac had to do for himself, on his own. The transparent communication and vulnerability he’s learning alongside Erik is something that could only be grown within a relationship. We asked Zac if his relationship with his mom has improved, and if so, what steps they’ve taken to heal.
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Zac continues, “But after I had thought about it more I realized being gay or queer is actually like a huge part of my identity. It shapes how I see the world, how I approach the world, and how the world approaches me. It shaped my sense of humor and my social and political beliefs. It shaped all of that. My whole world is built around being gay or queer and I didn’t really even have that understanding.” At a young age, Zac found himself trying to help others process, while he was still establishing what being gay meant to him.
So not in spite of, but in light of our beliefs, lifestyles, and identities may Zac’s story encourage us to seek love and choose to show up for the people gifted to us in this life. Every time we do, something in us is set free.
If you are a young person who has identified as LGBTQ and is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please contact the immediate help resource below. You are loved, and you are not alone.
“That was a big thing, this culture, this gay or queer culture is actually really important to me, it’s a big part of who I am. So I had to learn how to reconcile that for myself and be patient with myself. I said that because I wanted to be accepted and that’s okay, I was so young!”
Follow Zac on Instagram | @zacfreebornhill
Contact for Immediate Help: The Trevor www.thetrevorproject.org1-212-695-8650Project
Through mistakes, misrepresentation, hopelessness, and heartbreak. From Bonita Valley, to San Francisco, up to Seattle, and down to the Port of San Diego. Zac chooses to show up for his younger self and say, “It’s okay.”
043 “Encinitas” By Evan Denton
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“Summer Seated” By Des Dare Barragan Take me to first love. Where the warmth in your presence is like a balm to my soul. Because what was meant for a season, still stings. Like a sunburn in need of some aloe Return me to first love. Where I’m held in the acceptance I long to be told, There’s no accomplishment or resume for this seat that I hold. It’s this purpose, that shouts out from deep in my bones. Keep me in first love. Where kindness melts the ice that has my heart in a choke hold May I rejoice In the rhythms of surrender that heal me whole Staying seated in the summer, lifts me up for what’s to come There is home in every season. I belong, yes me All year long.
When you search “best surf spots in California,” various San Diego beaches rank high among those lists. Big thanks to Woody Brown, a legendary big wave surfing pioneer who played a significant role in growing the surf culture right from our neighborhood of La Jolla (Coble, 2021). Having seen and learned how deeply ingrained the surf culture is in San Diego, it felt necessary to create and style a shoot inspired by it. With more than 30 beaches in San Diego alone, it was difficult to choose one for this shoot, but I settled with the neighborhood of Encinitas. The reason being that Encinitas had the versatility of good surf and various surf clothing brand stores in the area, such as Brixton, Billabong, Vuori, and more.
WELCOME TO Encinitas THE WHY a forward by Mita Aquino
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046 THE MODELS Meet Lauren O’Brien and Rachel Flores, two badass surfers.
047 Top: Oversized Boyfriend Tee (Brixton) Shorts: Wrangler According ToHigh-Waisted Corduroy Shorts (Billabong) Billabong: Shoreline Straw Bucket Hat (Billabong) LAUREN | LOOK ONE
048 Top: Every Day Pullover Sweater (Billabong) Shorts: Levi’s RACHEL | LOOK ONE
049 Top: Jessie Tank Top (Brixton) Overalls: Christina Crop Overall in Medal Bronze (Billabong) LAUREN | LOOK TWO
050 Top: Greetings From Paradise Tank Top (Billabong) Pants: Free Fall High-Waist Pants in Desert Clay (Billabong) Shirt: Know The Way Tank Top (Billabong) Pants: Vancouver Pant in Leprechaun (Brixton) LAURENRACHEL
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053 Top: In The Tide Striped Button-Down Shirt in Avocado Swimsuit:(Billabong)Seea Swimwear LAUREN
049 054 Top: In The Tide Striped Button-Down Shirt in Salt Crystal Bathing Suit: Billabong Swimwear RACHEL
055 Kies Shaper:SurfboardsJohnKies @kiessurfboards 74 Shaper:SurfboardsBashams Factory & Surf Shop @bashamsfactorysurfshop Coble, K. (2021, January 12). Woody Brown. Aloha From Maui. Retrieved August 13, 2022, from https://kullencoble.com/blog/woody-brown/ LAUREN’S BOARD RACHEL’S BOARD RESOURCES
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SOMETHING ABOUT A HOUSE SHOW WRITTEN BY SAMMY NOELLE | PHOTOS BY JONATHAN SISK 057
Take a moment to imagine the ideal Summer evening spent surrounded by people from all different walks of life in the backyard of someone who may still be a stranger as you walk through their back gate. Stringed lights hanging from a two-story deck, gently lighting a circular brick landing. On which local musicians are sharing their melodious stories to a crowd seated on blankets and lawn chairs accompanied by paper plates with pizza slices and canned beer in hand.
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As I think back to that day and the preparation for it, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I was an internal nervous wreck, wondering who would show up, how many people would be in that La Mesa backyard, if the music volume bother the neighbors, would we have enough pizza? Would we have too much?
So, yes, while a bit dramatic, “nervous wreck” is pretty accurate, I’d say.
As our start time approached, our cooler filled to the brim, and Costco pizzas spread across the outdoor farm table, nerves continued to build up within me, and suddenly, it was time to start.
This is a depiction of our first ever Visible event: A Summer House Show. July 22, 2022, was a night to remember. Just about a year into our journey as a team, we put on our first event. With headliner, Hot Moms Club, we put together a laidback house show to help fund their two-week-long tour up the West Coast. We were graced by the chill party music of HMC, as well as the incredible sonic art of Shua, and the moving words of Ethan Rounds. A lineup of the musical features from our first three magazine issues. Pretty insane, if you ask me.
Shua was up next. The way that he sang out his poetic melodies hit me, and I’m sure the entire crowd, to the core. His personality was showcased in moments between each song with every word he spoke, and his stories poured out with each note he sang.
I walked up to the mic with a knot in my stomach and looked at the backyard of people I knew and loved, as well as some folks I’d never seen before, and I was overcome with an air of gratitude. Peace and joy washed over me as I smiled and stumbled through a greeting and note of gratitude to our attendees. Then, Ethan Rounds took the stage.
Ethan’s set was a combination of lighthearted fun and emotional depth. The sharing of his music was more of a look into his mind throughout different seasons of his life, and you could feel the impact of his vulnerability echoing amongst the audience.
Afterrange.we officially ended the night, I stared across the grass, where people were lingering in the human connection with old friends and new. I took a deep breath as I took it all in. Community was being built right in front of my eyes, and that’s the main reason we put this event together. Our heart was for people to find security in a backyard that night, security that made them feel known, loved, and seen by people they may never have met before. Mission accomplished.
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To cap off the night we, of course, had the lovely and intentional tunes of Hot Moms Club. With a contagious and free spirit, their sound resonated throughout the backyard and beyond, bringing a sense of community and safety to all within ear
I left that evening in awe and with a heart full of gratitude. Heavy disbelief was brought on by the fact that humans from around San Diego came together over a night of music, food, and connection. All of it reminded me of the simple but strong fact that people long to be in relationship with one another, and we had the opportunity to create a disarming environment that acted as a catalyst for this kind of connection.
To those of you who joined us for this show, thank you, and here’s to many more nights like it.
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We see you, we value you, we thank you It’s because of humans like you that Visible & its mission to rehumanize San Diego have become a reality. We hope you enjoy your Mag! Don’t forget to use your voice to make others VISIBLE. FIND BYVISIBLEMOREINFORMATIONSCANNINGHERE 064
