LEFTOVERS:
A UR Tradition Since 1978
Founding Fathers: Mark Hebdon and Rick Stine
YOUR APATHETIC STAFF:
Editor-in-Chief: Nancy Atwell Jones
Executive Editor: John Kristian Offerdahl
Assistant Editor: Mark Hamilton Sloan
Writers:
John Kristian Offerdahl
John G. Clarke
Kathy Gear
Jose Zuniga
Karen Hagen
Chris Vieth
William Casada
Jeffery Sweet
Advertising: Karen Hagen
Joan von Davellaar
Cartoonists :
Dave Hagen
Rosie McGuirk
Models: Karen Hagen
Emily Hines
Colleen Murphy
Sam Chambliss
John Kristian Offerdahl
E. Bruce Heilman
the Stools
Photographer: Mark Hamilton Sloan
Correcting Tape: Barry Gabay
General Staff: Tom Carter
John Logan
John Simmons
John Van Dyke
Token Sex Object: Jose Zuniga
Token Sexist : Nancy Atwell Jones
Cosmic Consciousness Raisers : Kathy Gear John G. Clarke
Alternates: see "Replacements"
Replacements: see "Alternates"
Moral Advisors: Lorenzo Simpson Granny
Ins pirations: E. Bruce Hailmann
Pete Bink
UR (just for being)
Staff Idiot and General Nuisance: John Kristian Offerdahl Cook: Mark Hamilton Sloan
Johns: Clarke Logan Offerdahl Simmons Van Dyke
Sympathy by: Logan Scruggs
Special Thanks to: Mr. Edward "Big Ed" Swain; Mr. Omar Mardan; Mr. Gus Dietz; Bogart's; Faris' Market; Coca-Cola; Cigarettes; Jack Daniel's; Goodyear Tire and Rubber Co.; The Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Co.; and Morn and Pop.
Special Apologies to: Ourselves; Each Other; People in general; and Mom and Pop.
Extra Special Thanks to: Dr. Rub.er.L.Alle_y ~ nd William Christopher. --
' © Me,senge,, 1979
AN OBSEQUIOUS PROPOSAL
NANCY ATWELL JONES
You've already read everything else in the magazine, right? Letters from the Editor are always boring and so, after reading the rest of the material, you decide that this letter might, actually be funny. I'll bet you're really hoping for this. You probably heard that this is a magazine designed to be funny-to add a polite chuckle to your dull life, so to speak. Well, if you think this letter is going to b e funny, forget it. I'm sick of humor, I'm sick of writing, and most of all I'm sick of this magazine. Do you realize how hard it is to be funny? I'll bet not. Let's run a little test. When I say go, you say something funny. Ready? On your mark, get set, go! Tick tick tick tick tick tick . . . haven't said anything funny yet, have you? ... tick tick tick tick tick tick tick Buzzzz. Time's up. Alright, you didn't say anything even slightly humorous. In fact , all you could think of to say was, "Duh, funny? Well, uh, I heard something funny once, but .... " Quick, aren't you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you, but now you know how hard it is.
By now you're probably asking yourself, "What is this chick's problem?" Well, I'm not going to tell you. You have a brain, figure it out for yourself. I'll give you a hint-it has something to do with me and my space. Figure that one out.
This magazine was founded in 1978 by two bright and attractive young men; Mark Hebdon and Rick Stine. They were the power behind the pursuit of humor. They had a dream-a dream in which every person could laugh, laugh right out loud if they wanted to This heroic pursuit triumphed over administration, professors, and even over an incompetent editorialist. But, they had no use for fame, fortune, liquor, or loose women; they just wanted a good laugh. Their propriety and sense of
good taste are models for us all and don't you ever forget it! !
But, all standards of good taste were left behind in this magazine . I have a motto, "Good taste is only fun when it's forgotten." Or, as Neil Young says, "Rust never sleeps." Profound thoughts, aren't they? I like to keep them in mind as daily reminders to the key of life . I think you should, too.
I wanted a magazine with CLASS. Nothing K-Mart about our humor. No pink flamingos for me, no sir . I know who'll be reading this-Iwant to save my own neck.
If you know anything about writing, you'll notice that this letter makes absolutely no sense: there is no rhym e or reason, no logical deduction, no comprehensible ideologies . That is what life is all about . And, if you kno w anything about life, y ou know something about humor And, if you know something about writing, then you know something.
I hope none of you are disappointed in this letter. I told you it wasn't going to be funny and I was right.
• But maybe , what with this being a humor magazine and all , I should give you at least one joke. Here it goes:
ME:
YOU:
ME: Did you hear that the Pope has a new theme song for birth control?
No, I didn't hear that.
Sure, it's "I Got Rhythm!"
vVell, like I said before, a little humor goes a very short way.
That's it for the letter. I hope you enjoyed it, even if it wasn't funny. I must sky now, got lot's of things to think about, and at this point, being funny is the least of my worries.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
You have titled this magazine Apathy. But what is this term, this emotion or lack thereof? ,vell, I'll try to explain.
The last year is a good example A whole lot has happened to me, elections, rejections, classes, passes ... the list goes on forever. Well, at least for 365 days. Some people really try to get involved in everything, but I don't; I don't have the time.
The last year has really taught me a lot , I can prove that. At this time last year , I was exa ctly two semesters , that's 33 hours, further from graduation than I am now.
Graduation: that is a frightfully wonderful term. Th is is my year to graduate if I can just keep making it to class. In only a few short months , I will spend a hot, sunny day ,.vearing black wool so that I can receive a white sheepskin. Education doesn't matter, only the diploma. It symbolizes that one is fully prepared to emerge from the sixteen years of warm, lush fantasy into a lifetime of cold , cruel reality. Personally, I've enjoyed the fantasy.
Sixteen years is an incredible amount of time. Hell, that's almost as many years as the average person spends asleep
Every year , we talk about all of the things that are wrong at this University. W e decide that the dorm policies are no good. In the four years that I have been here , I've often heard that. However, the regulations are the same as when I came here. The wrestling team, a group of winners , was unable to get scholarships because "Big Jim" used them all up. And did he win? Do you know what I did about it? I moved off campus and stopped getting drunk at the football games.
The last year, my senior year, I have been quite busy. Fratern ity brothers have been married, I've gone on dates, and I've seen MA SH every afternoon at 3 :30, every Monday night at 9 :00, and every Thursday night at 11 :30 I've even made it to about 50% of my classes. That was the hard part, the classes.
But I guess that when you really come down to it, the classes_ are the part that counts the most. After all, if you don't pass your classes, then you can't graduate. And that's what it's really all about. Look to the future, right? I try to, but even so, the memory of my frst day at the University is still fresh in my mind. My parents threw my suitcase out of the car, shook my hand, and left Richmond forever. I walked up the stairs of Robins Hall to my gray room with the streetlight two feet from the window. ( My roomate bought
a shade.) I was excited as I was entering a new phase of my life. I came here from a private high school where I had a high "B" average. I was a sturdy, 230 pound high school wrestler; cheerful and confident. I was ready to tackle the problems of the world.
Now things have changed. I am leaving a private college with gentleman's "C's " I am frail from the school food, a 170 pound backgammon player ; gloomy and insecure. I'm not even ready to tackle the problem of whether to shake or stir my martini. But I'm leaving, Dear Editor, I'm leaving ....
Sincerely,
John K. Offerdahl
Dear Editor,
Over the past several months , I have observed the staff of this magazine to be in violation of several important policies. To begin with , your margins are ¼ of an inch too wide. This is in direct violation of Marginal Control Regulation 1365B :27. Further, you have distributed your magazine without first obtaining a Distributor's License, which can be obtained by filing form 1863 in quadruplicate. Finally, you have contributed to the open-mindedness of the student body of the University.
Due to the seriousness of these charges, I feel that I must inform S.M.U.T. ( Editor's note: S.M. U .T. is the Satirical Magazine Underwriter's Transgressional authority) , who will handle the problems from here.
Sincerely, Max Vest
Dear Editor,
I'll tell you this if you promise not to tell ayone who told you. My husband's name is Earl. He hates it. Please don't let him know that I told you this--he will cut off my allowance for a week.
Sincerely, Betty Heilman
Dear Editor,
Having checked our records, we find that there is no, repeat NO, MessengerLampoon registered at the University of Richmond. Further, we find that you have been attending classes here under assumed names so as to better perpetrate this fiendish plot to rip-off the University. You will be expected to be off campus no later than 12 :00 noon on Monday, April 8.
Sincerely,
The Office of the Registrar
Dear Editor,
I would like to share one of my favorite recipes with you. Into any pre -prepared pie crust, add a bowl of cherries, a spoonful of sugar, an ounce of prevention, a pound of cure, peaches and cream. Bake at 350° for thirty minutes. After it cools for about ten minutes, frost with preserves. You now have a wonderful, homemade humble pie. Easy, isn't it?
Sincerely, John Travolta
Dear Editor,
My hair is golden yellow , my dress is ,baby bl ue , and there are funny little bags under my eyes. They weren't there before I married Lee. He lines me, defines me, and sets me on track.
Sincerely
Farah Fawcett-Majors
Dear Editor,
Your magazine is three weeks overdue. At the overdue rate of five cents per day , you must pay one dollar and five cents.
Thank you,
The Library Staff
Dear Editor,
All of the stories that you may hear about me are probably true. People just never seem to like me. All of the nasty things that 1 do are done only because someone tells ME that I have to do it but I must admit that I do enjoy enfo;cing rules. After all, it is my job. Please don't hate me.
Sincerely, Stephanie Bennett
THE 1979 UR GUIDE FOR ENTERING FRESHMEN
Welcome to the University of Richmond. We, the Administration, are pleased that you have chosen to attend our school. We sincerely hope that you find your next four years to be as enjoyable as they are enlightening.
This guide has been prepared with YOU in mind. We realize that you are entering an entirely new lifestyle. This can cause you a great deal of stress; stress that can lead to such serious problems as drug addiction, alcoholism, bedwetting, and thumb-sucking. We hope that this guide will help you to better understand and cope with the stress of college Iif e.
YOUR FIRST DAY AT THE UNIVERSITY
The first day away from home can be a very traumatic experience. You are miles away from your family, your friends, and, most importantly, your dog. Your high school swe etheart is at his or her new college where he or she is likely attending an orgy or othr social function with some person that he or she has just met.
However, the first day at college can provide you with a very special opportunity. The upperclassmen have not yet returned, and so everyone on campus is in your class. This is an excellent chance to get to know them. We urge you to be aggressive. Walk up to a fellow freshman and say, for example, "Hi, I'm Jim Slabinsky from Boise , Idaho. I hope to be a scatologist. Do you have any good shit?"
YOUR ROOMMATE
We have carefully selected your roommate in the hope that the two of you will be able to get along with each other. However, you must remember that it is likely that he or she is as lonely and depressed as you are. Do not be shocked if your roommate throws temper tantrums when you walk into the room during the first few days. This will soon pass . As well, he or she may contemplate suicide for a week or two. DO NOT WORRY, he or she will get over it.
YOUR RESIDENCE HALL
The residence hall is the center of your life at the University of Richmond . It is here that you will meet your first new friends.
Each hall has at least one Head Resident. His or her job is very important. He or she is there to counsel you, to enforce dorm policies, and to keep the hall running in a smooth, orderly fashion. He or she has been specially trained to handle most problems that will arise during the coming year.
Bathrooms are located at convenient places in the hall. These are an essential, and yet frightening, part of your dorm life. You are used to having a private bathroom,
and so you may feel nervous about using your dorm bathroom. For the first time in your life, you must take a shower in the presence of other people. Do not, repeat DO NOT, be afraid. These other people are as nervous as you, and will do their best to avoid confrontation
The major complaint about the residence halls is the problem of dust. For some reason, the halls tend to collect dust. We have hired a full staff of maids to try to keep the problem under control, but you would be wise to buy a broom for your room. As well, should you suffer from allergy problems, we suggest that you buy several surgical masks to wear when in the hall.
THE DINING HALLS
We realize that you are used to home-cooked meals, or lavish dinners at your country club. The staffs of the dining halls at the University of Richmond strive to reproduce food of this quality for you while you are here. Every meal that is prepared is hearty and well balanced, and there is a great amount of variety in the meals served. We feel that it is essential that the student receive a good meal so that he or she will be better able to keep up with schoolwork. We urge you to attend all meals, and we hope that you find them to be an enjoyable break from the daily routine.
FRESHMAN REGISTRATION
We have found that registration for classes can be a frustrating experience By the time that you get to register, all of the good classes and times are closed. The convenient schedule that you have planned for yourself is ruined.
You will likely have to re-work the entire schedule, which takes at least an hour. You must then find your advisor to approve the changes, which takes at least an hour. Finally, you go back to the class lines, only to find that many of the new classes that you have planned closed while you were re-working your schedule.
To avoid all of this stress, we suggest that you plan a schedule that is poor to start with. Plan to take classes that you feel nobody else will want to take. Be sure to schedule early morning and late afternoon classes.
YOUR FIRST DAY OF CLASS
The first day of class at any university is always a fairly traumatic experience. You walk into Ryland Hall room 215 for Freshman English. It is 8 : 10 am, and you are probably hung over. In surveying the room you see 24 other people all in roughly the same condition. (Usually, there are one or two people that are not.) You know none of them, and so you take a seat by the door.
At 8 : 15, your professor arrives. He is short and bald,
wearing a green plaid jacket, brown plaid pants, a pink shirt, a red and yellow striped tie, and tennis shoes. He says, with a scowl of contempt, "Good morning. I am Dr. Ducksterman. During the semester, I hope to get to know each and every one of you very well." He then pulls out his class roll and mis-pronounces every name on it.
It is best to take all of this in stride. After a few weeks, you will get used to the eccentricities of our professors, and come to actually feel comfortable in some
of your classes.
We sincerely hope that this guide will help you to avoid the problems of college life, and thus easily adapt to the University of Richmond. The years that you spend in college are the best years of your life, and with that in mind, we feel that it would be a sin to spend them in misery. The student who acts in a serious, studious, and sensible manner will rapidly learn to overcome the stress of college life. GOOD LUCK!
-J.K.O .
Diseo vs. Jnstiee
By Kathy Gear
Virginia has long boasted of her political contributions to America. Beginning with the Father of Our NationGeorge Washington, important political leaders such as the Father of Our Constitution-Thomas Jefferson and the Father of Freedom-Patrick Henry, have guided Virginians as well as all Americans. Maintaining the tradition, Virginians have sent to the Nation's Capital in more recent years, the Father of Congressional Junkets and the Husband of Elizabeth Taylor.
Speculating in the upcoming gubernatorial race in Virginia, it is not hard to imagine a power-packed political duel between the Father of Disco and the Father of Justice. John Travolta and the Circuit Rider display the courage and vitality, as well as the political cunning necessary to reside in the Governor's Mansion.
John Travolta, as a newcomer to Virginia, has a slight edge in the race due to his recent movie and television successes. The Father of Disco's new style of political hustling, notoriety, and relative wealth constructs for Travolta the equivalence of an incumbent's advantage. It is obvious that the campaign staff for Travolta will be stressing image rather than issues or party affiliation; portraying the teen-age idol as the All American Boyoutfitted in sequin jeans and silk shirt.
Travolta's liberal image and policies will decidedly "rock" his dream of campaign success in conservative Virginia. To combat the conservatism, campaign workers hope to unite specific groups under a guise to insure that "Travolta Fever" is a contagion. The character of Vinnie Barbarino will likely garnish votes from the young and senior citizens for John Travolta, as well as black and other minority groups. In addition to these target coalitions , who comprise a large segment of the viewing audience of Welcome Back, K ,otter, urban voters will keep in step with the Father of Disco's campaign.
"John has Virginia Fever" is one campaign slogan being shuffled around at Travolta headquarters, but staffers are hopeful that costs of the campaign can be minimized by using the Travolta promotional t-shirts, buttons and posters already in circulation. The Father of Disco's platform ranges from concern with the increasing cost of
white linen suits to a statewide health and dance insurance plan.
Travolta certainly has age, money and exposure in his corner of the political stage, as well as a good profile to make a serious candidate for the Governor's seat .
Opposing Travolta in this political tango is an old face familiar to Virginia, especially to late Saturday night television viewers-the Circuit Rider from Hobbs Creek, Virginia This man and his faithful horse, Justice, ride through their Circuit delivering "The Word" to rural Virginia. The exposure that television lends to the Father of Justice's preaching will contribute highly to his campaign.
The Circuit Rider will have no trouble in congregating votes from the rural areas of the state. An influential segment of Virginia, the clergy, will in all likelihood be beneficial to the Circuit Rider's bid for office. Conservative groups are rejoicing at his announcement to seek the Governor's seat. Virginia politics is undisputedly more conservative than most other states and the Circuit Rider will find a large supporting congregation of voters. The middle aged voter will tally strongly for him. The image of a conservative, serious, conservative, honest, conservative, and hardworking preacher will be stressed by the Circuit Rider's campaign staff. Moral issues, such as abortion and euthanasia, will be the sermons most often heard. The campaign will be satiated with conservatism.
"Justice Brings What Virginia Needs" is one slogan the Circuit Rider will use in his campaign. All posters, buttons, and gimmick items will not only have a picture of his faithful horse, Justice, but a cross, daisy and / or pretzel-the tools of the Circuit Rider's message.
With past Virginia Elections, conservatism has appeared to be the key to victory and the Circuit Rider will undoubtly benefit if the trend continues If Travolta can unite all the liberal forces and voter turnout is heavy, a liberal Virginia governor is a possibility No matter what the election outcome is, there is no doubt that this Governor's race will be an exciting and history-making experience for Virginia.
POINT
By Chris Veith
Fraternities, John, are a problem and the solution has no limit . The most difficult problem that faced me in pr ~paring this report "vas just exactly where to start. Having overcome this obstacle, I can now put before you the facts that my associates and I have gathered I might add that 1 will stick solely to the facts. No rumors, no slander-just good clean reporting I know that rumor has it that these discussions are planned, and that you and I are good friends off the job. But let ' s dispose of these false assumptions right away and let it be known that we can't stand one another.
Fraternities have withstood the rise of inflation and the devaluation of th e dollar to remain a prominant component of the economic system It is the Fraternities' view that by bartering goods or exchanging currencies, they can guarantee the procurement of a loyal and trustworthy friend. Finances are an intrinsic part of any fraternal operation. One fact that we discovered seemed to indicate that the acquisition of brothers is directly tied to the fluctuations of the stock market. Fraternities saw their greatest decline in membership in 1930, one year after the Great Crash. A decline in purchasing power o f the dollar , or a decline in the amount of dollars in circulation , has often left many of the Fraternities short on membership
M ost "Frats" o ffe r the same standard contract to perspective members with an option clause included. Monopolizing the market prices remains a fairly constant practic e from one frat e rnity to the next. For about $2 50 00 a year y ou can purchase not just one friend, but an entire crop of them. In one buying spree, the purchas e r may obtain up to fifty friends who can be looked upon as actual " brothers " However, choices have to be made. Some " Frats" offer you quality, while some boast of their quantity . Som e will offer highly recruited members a four year , no-cut, guaranteed contract with a purchase option aft e r th e fourth year.
For sheer wanton lust, the Fraternities may be the answer to aspiring young Lotharios For a marginal price, one may purchase the use of a phone book that is loaded with girls said to have " Pot ential." Many of them have not yet reached puberty. A good portion of them are out-of-towners. And even in that rare instance where actual contact is made, it is often discovered that every oth e r brother has asked her out for the evening. So, John , if you pardon the expression, Greeks and girls go hand in hand
My colleagues and I went so far as to invite ourselves
to a "Fraternity Festivity." It was bad, John, real b ad . I was bored. Maybe I chose quantity over quality or ju st went on a bad night. But to insure our findings, w e visited a number of parties in the course of our inves tigation. We were unable to discover one "quality" par ty . Throughout our evenings at the Fraternities, we snoop ed about to try and discover people enjoying themselv es. But , lo and behold, our search proved fruitless. We so on discover that we were witness to a small scale mon eymaking operation. We paid our money at the door a n d then bought a beer. This was quaffed for a period o f one-half hour. No more was offered and immediatel y a procession towards the exit formed. Looming beh ind the unsatiated revelers lurked the beaming "Frat" officer s, clutching in their sweaty palms the glories of a w ellpublicized party.
Money, it comes down to money, of course. Eith er you have it or you don't. Cash talks, the other st uff walks. Fraternities are breeding grounds for those wh o see their lives being guided by the dollar. These inst itutions feed on the apathy at every college campus in America. These mini-corporations attempt to hide th eir actual intentions behind the false rumors that they spr ead throughout the colleges. Cloaked in secrecy, they h ide their inner workings from th e public at large. The use of secret codes, passwords, and the infamous paddle ar e all tools of the organization to insure secrecy .
The initiation experience that each new member is pu t through is designed to develop loyalty and discipl ine. New tactics have been adopted over the years that h av e enabled the "Frats" to separate themselves complet ely from the rest of the student body. Through a care fu l selection process, Fraternities guarantee their continu ed existence By keeping prices up, they have effecti vel y insulated themselves from an influx of lower middle-cl as s whites and , of course, all Blacks The question, John , is how to eradicate this problem.
As I see it, we can either wait for another depressi on , or we can act immediately. By demanding a full di sclosure of financial investments and the amount of re ad y cash, we will be able to better understand the inner wo rkings of these societies. I demand that students be informed of the actions of these ruthless exploiters of flesh It is time to bring the facts out in the open The pad dl e beatings, the blackballing, and most of all, the prop aganda should be disclosed. The facts are clear, ou r options numerous, but time is running out. Either we destroy them now, or we can suffer the consequences a nd have only ourselves to blame.
COUNTER-POINT
By John Kristian Offerdahl
Chris, how dare you be so bold as to openly attack one of, if not THE most important components of the university system? I am appalled at your utter lack of sophistication and objectivity. Your ignorance outshines the Star of Bethlehem!
This magnine strives to be objective, candid, and supportive of free speech, but your paper makes this difficult. Above all, we attempt not to insult the intelligence of every student, faculty member, and administrator in your air of erudition. Let's be honest, Chris, you blew it!
Your use of huge corporations as symbolic for Fraternities is interesting. This is rid iculous, Chris. While there is the aspect of dues to pay for parties, bills, and other expenses, a Fraternity operates as a chiefly social organization.
True, it is rather expensive to be actively involved in a Fraternity. However, this expense does not buy brotherhood. Brotherhood is not a consumer product, but rather a bond that is deeper than friendship and can only be earned through the respect and admiration of others. Chris, I doubt that a person as shallow as yourself could ever feel this type of bond.
The pledge period is a time when the initiate is able to learn and appreciate the order of Fraternity life. During this time, the pledge sees the special bond that exists among brothers; the faith and honesty that is apparent every clay. He learns that he can talk to a brother with the security that that brother will share in his joy or give sympathy.
The Fraternity, Chris, is an important learning experience that none should miss. A brother learns the ideas behind group organization and funding. More importantly, a brother learns about people. The brotherhood is made up of people from all social, religious, and ethnic backgrounds. Yet, these people, all with individual tastes and ideas, learn to understand each other and work as a Whole.
Chris, you make a common mistake in your look at the Fraternity system. You see Greeks as wild, potsmoking, beer-quaffing thieves. What a Joke! The Fraternity stresses academic achievement above all else. It is very rare that a Greek will consider even opening a beer before all schoolwork is completed.
I must say that I have pity for you Chris. Your insinuations that Fraternity women are prostitutes and fantasies shows you are insecure and sexually frustrated and / or inhibited. You seek pleasure, and gain only vicariously by transferring your erotic thoughts upon the
Greeks. Try, if only for a moment, to look at reality. Fraternity women exist. A woman has no need to approach a Fraternity offering herself. We Greeks will accept her as a friend, someone who is interested in the Fraternity and will contribute to its welfare. We look for inner beauty, Chris, do you know what that is?
You are a shallow, arrogant snob indeed if you could not, out of eleven Fraternities, have fun at any one. Why couldn't you? Are you a wallflower? Are you afraid of people? I think that you just spend too much time being your usual, insulting self to notice a good time. Your nefarious air spreads faster than Hollywood gossip .
The Fraternity, in opening its doors to the school, is showing its desire for friendship with all students; be they of another Fraternity or independent. We use our clues to buy beer or liquor and hire a band so that all can escape, if only for a short while, the grind of academia. And how are we thanked? I'll tell you how! First, a vast hoard of self-satisfied people get drunk at our expense, in short, they freeload. When they are drunk enough , they begin to criticize the band. Soon bored of this, they attack our little sisters out of hatred, or start fights with the brothers. When the party ends, these slobs leave the brothers to clean up the mess!
Chris, I loath your ignorance. It is as vast as your intelligence is narrow. You dare to demand that Fraternities reveal their secrets to the student body. This is like asking a Nun to sacrifice her virginity for the sake of your own satisfaction.
Destroy the Fraternal system, Chris? I believe that you would find that Americans would rather abolish baseball, hotdogs, apple pie, or Chevrolet. For well over a century, the Fraternity has stood as a symbol of achievement and success at the American university, and also as a symbol of pride and comradery to its brothers even years after they graduate.
Arguments such as yours, undermine the basic ideas of democracy and the American way You, Chris, as all G.D.l.'s are quick to find fault in a system that is far above your head-you are not a part due to your own choice, and yet you feel qualified to offer criticism.
I know that self-exclusion can be painful, Chris. Your argument makes this obvious. You have begun to hate yourself for refusing the extension of brotherhood, and are unable to accept the guilt. Thus, you transfer the guilt and hatred to the Fraternities. One day, pal, your castle is going to collapse. Well, look, I know of a good psychiatrist . . .
A STORY
By Jose Zuniga
He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and Johnny prepared to step into the drugstore; his every step took hours, his heart pounded like the whole of Lambda Chi was dancing to "Hey Baby " up and down his arteries.
It couldn't be this hard, he thought. In fact, an hour ago , while he sat around the keg with some friends, the whole idea of going out to buy a box of ... of . you know, an " insurance policy" seemed so easy. Of course, his friends were all older and more experienced, being the sophmores they were.
The air was still cool in the store and the neatly stacked shelves were poised and waiting. A silence enveloped him There was a camera focused on him, its red light flashing.
"They know, they know," he thought. The camera was reading his deepest secrets, hanging them out for inspection like yesterday's laundry. That kindly, whitehaired old man behind the counter was probably laughing in malicious contempt behind his little glasses. Johnny would have run madly out of the store had he not felt so terrified and conspicuous
Seconds later, Johnny got himself in hand and jerkily walked in He smiled grimly at the counterman who had turned to look at the pale-faced kid cringing at the door like a scared rabbit Casually he walked around the shelves. He looked very cool, except for the glazed look in his eyes and his tendency to walk into walls and shelf co rners After ten minutes of walking around, he collected enough guts to approach the counter. He glued his eyes alt e rnately to the funny little boxes in the display case, (they'd been described to him), and on the beady eyes of the counterman, who stared at him with such amusement that he seemed to know what he wanted.
Of course Mr. Jones knew, he'd seen the symptoms before : the look of intense guilt, the attempt at casualness , the head pulled down deep into the jacket collar Mr. Jones thought to himself, "Yup, five-to-one I know what he wants. Here he comes now, he finally made up his mind."
He really didn't care what people bought, but he did get a kick out of kids buying "protection." He smiled, and waited to see how this kid got around to the subject. Johnny reached the counter and held on to it for support. He closed his eyes for a second, opened them to glance at the plainly grinning Mr. Jones. He stuttered , " I , ah ... I, ah, um ... hot isn't it? Ha, has,
I ... "
Three minutes later, Johnny was standing outside the store looking at the two tubes of toothpaste he'd bought . Already he could hear the hilarious laughter of all hi s friends back at school. So, with a despaired shake of his head and a deep breath, he plunged back into the store .
Mr. Jones, meanwhile, had expected him. As a matter of fact, he'd been timing him.
Once at the counter, Johnny mumbled, " .. wanna bo x of ... "
"What's that you say, young man?"
"SPARTANS," he shouted . "I wanna box of Spartans."
"Oh, oh, why certainly, young man, let's see."
By this point, Mr. Jones had enjoyed himself so much that he had to get one more dig in . He shouted acros s the store, "Martha, whassa the price on these Spartans? "
A woman poked her head out of the back office and yelled, "What?" just at the time Johnny started to melt into a puddle on the floor
Enough was enough; Mr. Jones sold Johnny th e precious box and watched him stumble away. Onc e Johnny got over his mortification, he started to feel that he had entered a new phase of his life And that wa s the end of the story.
However, for those of you who are interested in this sort of thing, I will show you three probable results of all this excitement:
1. Two soaking wet figures rushed through Freeman Hall cursing . They stopped at a corner and looked around in frustration. "If I ever catch that jerk who's b e en tossing water balloons, I'll kill him," growled one. Fifteen feet away and around the corner, Johnny smirked , "Those weren't balloons, chump." Yuk.
2 The attic was hot and stuffy and John wiped the sweat from his wrinkled brow. He hated it when his wife made him clean up all this . Still, there were some interesting things, like his first box of Spartans he'd found in an old chest With a chuckle, he remembered that he never knew quite what to do with them.
3. Friday night and Johnny had a date who lived off campus. As he drove to pick her up, he thought about what a drag it is to have to go all this way, but soon he was there. He got out of the car, went to the door and knocked; paying no attention to the name "Jones" on the mailbox.
PARTICLE POPPING
By Dr. Okee Fanokee Dr. William "Space" Newtonstein
Like any other cosmic experience, elementary particles are not to be taken lightly. With the development of the old Baryon particles into the new "strange" particles, fantastic new energy levels have been obtained. Imagine walking down the street and someone shouts, "Hey man, wanna buy some outrageous omega plus ( n+) particles?" Now who, in their right mind, would buy stuff of unknown origin? One just doesn't know how to handle a situation such as this. Onward . . .
Quark Family: As expert users, we are constantly plagued with letters from all kinds of folks on this new family of particles. Anyone who has been a consumer of elementary particles in recent years knows that the entire situation has grown totally out of hand. We receive letters every clay with lines like "Hey man, like what kind of buzz is a charged Lepton-up like?" or "What's the maxi-buzz potential for an Anti-Sigma?" In response, we recommend for the casual consumer a charged-up 1500 million electron volt dosage of the Quark family for a comfortable flight. For those who prefer the "total buzz," eat what you want, but remember our motto "Don't fly any higher than you want to fall"-it's your flight.
The new charmed Sigma Max ( figure 1) is the newest member to the Quark family. Of the four members of this family, the "charmed" particle is the smoothest. Like a fine bottle of wine, these "charmers" put one on automatic pilot. They're great for the week-end user who enjoys a Saturday afternoon flight with no jet-lag; similar to a glider flight-long, quiet, and smooth. Don't buy a Quark until you know exactly what it is that you're dealing with. ,ve've had reports of freaks who sell air molecules for fun and profit. Also, one should never purchase negatively charged Quarks-don't say we didn't warn you.
Anti-Baryons, Mesons, and Baryo.ns: A family of particles well established in the marketplace. Rumor has it that a group of bored scientists were sitting around and decided to smash two protons together. The rush they caught was so intense that it took them two years to remember their former occupations. If involved in particulate pleasures, make sure of the origin of your purchase. If some fool comes up to you and tells you that he made it in his closet, save your particulate pennies. Pure particles are made in Syncrocycletrons, not closets. These Syncrocycletrons may be purchased from several mailorder department stores, however, they are very expensive and require a minimum of 105 square acres of open land. We should perhaps note here that these particles are known as strongly interacting particles. One should exFigure 1.
Figure
ercize extreme caution when handling Anti-Baryons and Baryons, or Positrons and Electrons together; especially if they are of like chai·ge. If, by some indifference of fate, one should actually ingest one of these potent combinations, have the individual vomit and close his eyes. This precaution should relieve most violent reactions. There are some side effects of particle (ab) use which should be brought to light. We've heard of an individual who reportedly experienced a "cosmic flight" with fantastic colors ending with a strong stretching vortex similar to portable black holes. Don't be fooled by imitations of this family ( figure 2 )-this is the only known photograph ( family portrait, as we affectionately call it) of this particle family. The usual dosage of the Baryon is 1500 mil lion electro-volts of hypers and 1200 of the same for Super-Baryons. The third member of this family is the meson. These boys travel at the speed of light and prove difficult to handle. These are great for week-long brain vacations, but are usually very expensive. Although a Messo-buzz may last several days, several of our friends ( and probably some of yours) like to push it to the limit. These sky-pi lots seem to prefer to ingest the Meson while already buzzed and to dissolve a Meson or two into a quart of tequilla, rearranging their flight patterns somewhere around Tierra del Fuego. One final word of warning about the Meson people have been known to drink Shaeffer ink, eat record albums ( center hole and all!), and generally physically abuse themselves. Keep in mind "it's only a particle."
Photon-Magnetron-Graviton: The final group of particles is the Photon-Magnetron-Graviton group. First off, we wouldn't recommend buying these photons anywhere but Columbia. Photons in America are usually stepped on by local dealers or UPS, rendering them impotent. These particles yield a buzz which lasts for years. There is no known dosage; this all depends on how much of ones existence one wishes to alter. Figure 3 is a recent photo of a Graviton user mellowing out in Aspen.
It should be noted finally, that this report does not advocate the use of elementary particles. The reader should understand the (ab) use, possession, and distribution of these particles. Also we recommend parental consent.
Final word: If one enjoys having fun and eating chemical delicacies, one will undoubtedly enjoy a particular buzz. We recommend that users have plenty of beverages around. We have yet to hear of a particle popper who was able to navigate road signs on the way to the local (planetary) package store.
Figure 3.
FEBRUARY, A TIME FOR RESIDENT INVOLVEMENT
C -1 J
CREATIVE WORKSDISPLAY
· ___/ Monday -Wednesday, February 5 -7
The I.C.E. (Information-Culture-Education)
Committees of the Residence Halls in cooperation with the Head Residents will sponsor a display of creative works developed &)'~the residents. There has been an attemp~ 3 r ¥ to1not define fil)eci fi callj"'what constitutes a creative work (for fear Vi ( · th~~ the definftion might prove to be restrictive.) Certainly, such items~ • , ~Aintings, carvings, literary efforts, photogral2bs, and ~eather wo~k l f~g. -'( S ,... but this list should not be considered to be exhaustive. [)he only '50--r.-~
limitation ~[that the effort j..s to be the resident'~if;,.d[to have been fo...J..~~ Oi,,..(1 created in tlie past or ~or thq evevt .') 1_ 11._ 7 laj C> )r
The work will be displaye~y residence halls in the south w.::tz...t Cl..r of the University Commons. The displays will be reviewed by a group of { three judges1and a fir~ sr-:7,.ond, and third place winner will be select-_ 0 • _ ed. The competition_wfl!f1 b~n a hall basisJ The(award winning halls}U.~ <:lf · r will receive points tm'Mrd the Interha 11 Competition Award ;and .the first _ r ,)..)itc,, place hall will receive a prize. ---·- -r,;,~ ,,o.1..e_~ '--~ ": w Jtc?... s.~rnc,l ~. ;:;:t, mrt t..- ,..,~1 ._;t
f' I would like to encourage~ to be a part of this creative display . .l-: -~ 1,4)7
~ow from records and personal interviews that there are a number of resi- a. n _ , . I dents whose talents and interests should lead them to participate in this f.J.o-{J-07 event. terested.
INTERHALL VOLLEYBALLTOURNAMENT
Monday -Thursday, February 12 - 15 Jrt
r:;;:,There will be a single elimination interhall volleybml tournament. Each f> '-...~hall cafl"'~r as many teams (6 - 12 ~~~,as it wo.uid½ike. Games will
be playe'a i"tt the Keller Hall and Milhis~fr'--Cymnasiwns. Sign up today with your Head Resident. The winning residence hall will receive a prize and ( ;t ~- points towards the Interhall Competition Award.
J
,,. Tuesday • Wednesday, February 20 • 21
The Student Activities Office will sponsor the Spring Blood Drive during this time period. The residence hall for men that has the greatest per-
r r centage of its residents donating blood will receive a prize and points · toward the Interhall Competiti~n Award. .
An Interview With
William Christopher
Many of you may know William Christopher as Father Mulcahy on MASH. With the tremendous help of Dr. Robert Alley, we were able to procure, on very short n otice, a phone interview with one of the most visible characters on television today. The questions were comp iled by the staff of Apathy. We would like to say that t his is a GENUINE INTERVIEW, this is not fake, t his interview really did take place. No matter what else you may read in this magazine, this interview is the REAL THING.
How did you start out?
I always wanted to be an actor. I played in grammer school before I knew it was possible to be a professional. I played a groundhog in second grade and sort of caught t he bug. I really assumed that anyone would want to act, I couldn't assume anyone not wanting to. The idea that you could actually get paid for it, that was slow m dawning on me.
Didn't you play Private Hummell in Gom.er Pyle?
I was in the second, third, and the fourth (season). I wasn't in all the shows, I was just in a few. I played t he same character and that was a lot of fun. It was good experience. Playing Hummell was the first work I really did in television. The first of any size. We want to tell you, we're taping this.
Oh, well, that's fine. I like to talk, really. I would just as soon that you had all these golden words on tapea few nickles at best.
A re you Catholic?
No, Barbara was, my wife. We were married in a Catholic church. Her parents sort of insisted on it, but I was very pleased to get affiliated with the Catholic Church. I was raised a Protestant but I thought, well, if the Catholic Church wanted me I'd be all set to convert.
I was really primed. I had to take instruction so I could be married in the Church, but nobody tried to convert me, I was rather disappointed in that.
Didn't they want you?
Not too much. I went to see a chaplin to give me my instructions. I would sit with him and hope that he would realize that I wanted to know everything about Catholicism. So I would ask him a few questions but for the most part he wanted to make short work of the little sessions he was to have with me. I've actually learned more about what it is like since I started playing Father Mulcahy than I ever did then.
Do you think you're pretty much like the character of Father Mulcahy?
I imagine so. We had a Dinah Shore Show and we were all asked how our characters were alike and I couldn't help kidding and saying, "Well, of course, Father Mulcahy is celibate and I really couldn't do that." The sense of humor that I like to see Father Mulcahy display is pretty much my own . Father Mulcahy is a boxer, that is a nice detail, but it doesn't have to be a part of my life.
What is there about MASH that makes it work?
I think that because MA SH has been able to go into such serious areas and still remain a comedy. MA SH has the life and death situation of the war. The humor can come from the kind of humor that people who are in the war situation have to resort to, and it can be pretty zany and still be believable. It has a framework of reality, like the crazy things they used to do to Frank Burns. Because of the setting, you can believe that these things really happen, that they horse around. One of the reasons is that it's an escape valve. Over and over we allude to the difficulty of living under the conditions of war. The nuttiness is a balance but it seems to come out of a real need. They are real three-dimensional guys who's need drive them to this; it comes out of the real characters, it's not just superficially laid on.
A lot of people have come and gone. How MA SH is able to survive this?
I think that one of the reasons MA SH has done well is maybe because of the new blood that has come into it. I don't know if MASH wouldn't have survived perfectly all right if McLean Stevenson and Wayne Rogers and Larry Li1;wille had stayed on, if there hadn't been any changes, but I think that as new ideas came, it made it possible for the writers to write in lots of new areas and it was a stimulating thing.
Was it necessary for the surviv.al of the show?
In retrospect you might say it was necessary, it certainly wasn't planned. Don't think for a moment that the producers would have had it that way if they had their choice. They were not particularly ecstatic over McLean's decision to leave or Wayne's decision to leave-there was a minimum of fighting over it. Well, there was no fighting over it at all. McLean's was all prearranged and was done without any surprises. When Wayne left, it was a little more of a surprise. When Larry left, everybody knew it was going to happen way in advance. I know when I knew McLean was going to leave, I was pretty upset. As it turned out, it was fine.
Father Mulcahy has,n't gone through all that many changes.
No, I don't think that he has, exactly, it's just that you've seen more sides of him. There are a lot of things that people could say they know about Father Mulcahy because of the shows they've seen that were released the first few years. I have a lot bigger parts and I've seen more. It's not that there are things that havn't been shown. I would like to have MASH show Father Mulcahy more in his office as a priest. I think it would add a lot of dimension and solidity to the show. See him giving mass, giving confession, not necessarily writing shows around these things, or trying to make them funny. You have to be very careful if you're dealing with the sacraments.
How much creative input are you allowed?
I do as much as I can. This is the time when I start to think of new ideas for Mulcahy because we are not shooting now. Everything is pretty well shut down. Our writers will probably be getting together and work on story ideas probably the beginning of next month. I have mad~ a rule of going in and having sort of a story conference with them, just to see what they have cooking for Father Mulcahy and suggest things. There are eight regulars. They do try a balance the year so everybody gets some really good focus. I can't complain, they've
done a good job of giving me some good shows this last year. But, actually, I've made a number of suggestions for things they haven't used. Every week, we sit down with a new show and read it before we start shooting it. When we read it, we go into detail about whether we think a certain line is appropriate. If there are problems about how a certain line is written, we talk about it right away and they are very responsive to the things we say.
Do you feel that you know the character of Father Mulcahy better than the writers do?
I do, in a way. On the other hand, I feel Mulcahy is still a creation, a composite. As an actor, I do want their ideas, too. They will think of things that I might not think of. I might say, on the outset, "I'm not sure I see that." But if I really can't be brought around to see it and I really think it's wrong for Mulcahy, then I have to fall back and say, "I guess in this instance, I think I'm right because I know him better than you." There have been times when I was given something that I wasn't sure would work. I wouldn't, as Bill Christopher, be intuitively be drawn into as something right for Mulcahy. Because I want to take advantage of all those talented people that go to make-up MA SH, I am perfectly agreeable to meet them half-way, or even fall over backwards to do it their way. Another thing I think happens is that as an actor, I feel that the director should be able to exert a lot of his own feelings, too. I think that part of being an actor is to work with the director. Also, the character of Mulcahy seen week after week, is not going to be blown apart because of something I think we should have done a bit differently. It's a learning thing and I think you have to keep yourself open to receive new ideas. It's true of all areas in life, you have to be receptive. You do make decisions and you do have ideas; intuitive or intellectual. But still, if you can keep your receptors open, you have a better chance to do good work and also, I think you have a better chance to be a healthy person. I don't try to separate my acting life from being a healthy person. Life has its ups and downs and its goods and its bads and there has to be more to life than just your career.
What other things are you involved in?
I have a handicapped child and I'm involved in a number of telethons to raise money for children and the handicapped. His particular handicap requires our doing a lot of work with him. He is autistic. We have decided that we will work with Institute for the Achievement of Human Potential, a group in Philadelphia. They have designed what they think are sensible approaches. They are very enthusiastic about their particular approach to helping children like my son, Ned. He's ten years old and I have been through quite a bit. I'm not cynical but I do tend to be conservative. It's very demanding and it requires someone working with him about eight hours a
day, everyday. John is twelve and he needs his share of a ttention and work. John has taught me a great deal. He is an athlete and I enjoy his interests very much, too. I was never very athletic so at least I can enjoy it vicariously. John is involved in working with Ned. Sometimes, we have to hire people because we just can't do it all. We fe el he's come a ways.
I always heard that Robert Young would have people come up to him and give him their symptoms. Do you have people come up and try to confess?
People ask me that a great deal. They seem to think th at I am so much like a priest that people would ask me for my counsel. I don't find that so true. I kid around about it and say that people ask me for my absolution. I have had people ask me if I was ever interested in joining the clergy, if I was ever actually trained for the clergy at one time. Well, maybe I have been asked, by ki ds, if I were a real priest-not because they wanted to confess, but just because they were curious.
A ll the other characters on MASH use their sexuality almost as a release, but there is never any hint at all of F ather Mulcahy's sexuality. !Vhy?
One story line that I have suggested is not where Fa ther Mulcahy is tempted with a laison with any member of the opposite sex, but maybe where one of the nurses, maybe through her needs, develops a closeness with him and gets sort of a crush on him, finds him attractive. I think that's a good story. It is not, I don't think, too difficult to do. So far, I haven't met with any success on selling this idea. I think that our writers have been a little bit afraid of it. I don't feel interested in see ing him falling to temptation. (At this point, John Offerdahl, "the Peanut Gallery," put in the following comment)
Couldn't it also work as well for one of the nurs ,es to have some sort of trouble and come to Mulcahy and Mulcahy run into a pr -oblem with temptatio ;n where he starts questioning whether or n,ot he wants to be in the prie sthood?
You really could do that. That would be a much, much bigger thing. That is an idea that I had not really tried to sell anybody. We. have done a little bit around the area in Father Mulcahy wondering about his own effectiveness, having his faith sort of stretched, not really challenged, but having him having a little bit of a struggle to hang onto his faith. But, the idea that maybe he says to himself, "Maybe I'm in the wrong business," based on the fact that he feels something for a woman. "I'm not up to being a priest." That's an interesting idea that really I hadn't thought about. One thing that sort of
bothered me about Mulcahy is that his family is left out. The Sister Theresa character, she's the only one that you ever hear of. Even the Sister Theresa character is used only as a gag and that kind of bothers me. At least she should seem like a real person and she really hasn't been treated like a real person which means she is less real. Why was the o,nly person on MASH who was for the war such a boob that nobody really cared about anything he said? Was this a moral decision on the part of the producers to fit into the current sentiment against the Vietnam War?
It was not a conscious effort that the producers thought, well, because the sentiment is anti-war, the way to have a financial success is to write an anti-war show. I think it would be a good idea for the show to show, in some sort of clear terms if you could, arguments that rational people of the time, the fifties, felt justified the war. We have long discussions about this, about every time we show a general, we show him as a fool. Every time we show anyone who is in favor of anything at all military, we show them as being less than competent. It would seem to me, from time to time, that it would be much more complete to show the other side because there was another side. We did a show once where Mulcahy was · asked about the war-the first interview show. I improvised a whole section when I was being asked about the war and I played it with Mulcahy getting a bit confused, but with Mulcahy, for the most part, trying to defend the fact that we were there and that we were trying to fight Communism, trying to fight for the right of the South Korean people to make their own determination to have a free, democratic society. Naive as this may sound, there were a lot of people who were not just dummies who believed it and believed that it was possible. In MASH, I think there is a danger to be too one-sided. Again, we are doing a half-hour show and we are not under obligation to show all sides. That is something that occurs to all of us and we've never done anything about that, we continue to show generals as fools.
Do you ever think to yourself, "Wow, I'm on T.V.I"
I try not to, I think that you keep a little steadier head if you don't. Sometimes I do. I always remind myself, ·'Well, if I didn't have the job somebody else would. It might as well be me." I love acting, I love theater work, and all the details of it. I don't suppose you'd make much of an actor if you really didn't want to be in the limelight. I study Greek, I've been reading Homer and people ask me why I do it. I think one of the reasons is because it's lasted for three thousand years or so and it's nice to attach myself to something with that kind of stability, and the second thing is that there is this whole sweep of history and that one realizes that the things you do and say are really pretty insignificant on MA SH.
AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WI1~H GOD
concept: John G. Clarke
writers: John G. Clarke & John K. Offerdahl
God, an omnipotent, everpresent, all-knowing be ing, in having been around since the begining of no thing, is in a unique position to comment upon the st ate of his creation.
God is acknowledged by many to be the sole force be hind the creation of man and his world. He is ge nerally seen as the supreme being of the universe. H e is one of the most colorful characters of this, or any other, century.
A pathy: First of all, God, on behalf of the entire staff of Apathy, I would like to welcome You to R ichmond . It has been quite some time since Your la st interview . Where have You been all of these years?
G od : Well, I've been a Ii tle bit of everywhere ( laughs) The last I spent any real time in Richmond w as during the Civil War.
A pathy: As long as You have mentioned war, let's start there. What are Your thoughts on war, death, and the like?
G od: Well, that's a tough question. When I created all of this, I left death out, but I had to change that. N ow death is just a natural part of living, and I p lan to keep it that way.
War is a very tricky thing. I mean, I gave you ev erything that you could possibly want. You have fish that swim, birds that fly, birds that swim, and fish that fly.
A pathy: Not to mention everlasting life.
G od: Right, thanks for reminding Me. Anyway, fr om My point of view, war can be a useful thing. I t saves Me the trouble of plaguing the pagans and such.
War is good in that it forces men to take a step
back and look at where they are going . In a war, things can't get much worse for a man. He must wake up every day and wade through human filth, smelling the stench of wasted physical potential. That makes some men think twice.
Apathy: I thought that was the purpose of Hell.
God: Pick , pick. Hell is as bad as you can get; at least until you get off of the wheel. War is physical suffering, while Hell is much, much worse
Apathy: What is Hell?
God: That is for Me to know, and for you to hope never to find out. Actually, I've never even been there. I am more concerned with those who try to enter the Kingdom.
Those who make it really like it. The Kingdom is like being way, way out there, except rather than just thinking that you are getting there, you are there.
Apathy: That all seems rather ambiguous. People are hung up on answers
God: Ambiguity! Look, its all there, most specifically. All you have to do is look for it.
Apathy: A lot of people feel that they must be dead to really find out ,vhat is going on. Why do us living Bozos have to be kept in the dark so much?
God: Look, I make the rules. You follow the rules, you get the answers. If not, you don't need them.
Apathy: I think that this is a good time to change the subject. You have been around forever, what was it like in the beginning?
God: I'm glad you asked that question. That was a fun time; there were a lot of exciting things to watch, and very little responsibility. I just let Chaos reign for quite a while; there were only clouds of gas, loose particles, and the like.
It was really a mess now that I look back on it. Some things were hot, others were cold. Light was intermittent. It was like there were great clouds of light mixed in with the particles, dust, and darkness. The 'most exciting part of Creation was when the clouds of different types would run into each other. This would often set off a really great explosion. I love cosmic explosions, novas are a blast. Anyway, this would fuse elements together, and often left good trails . I used to really get off on trails, but I was a lot younger then.
Apathy: Last night, I got off on some really great trails myself .
God: I know
Apathy: (momentary silence) WOW! You mean You mean that You really do know everything that everybody thinks and does?
God: Yes, of course But a lot blows right past Me I know that people are sinning and trying to get away with it. Especially during Wild Kingdom, My favorite show. People seem to know that I never miss it, and try to take advantage of that. But everything is recorded for posterity's sake.
Apathy: Let me get this straight. You watch television?
God: Only Wild Kingdom. Everything else is garbage; useless. I've often thought of doing something about that. I could make the atmosphere so that it will not transmit the wave, or something like that . I really haven't decided.
Apathy : W 1hy don't You use the television Yourself? Most people already believe that Walter Cronkite is a Moses, and that You are some sort of Divine sponsor.
God: Well, that really wouldn't be very much fun. Besides, who would believe Me on television?
Apathy : How do You feel about indulgence? In the past, You have been rather strict in the way that You punished over-indulgers. However, You seem to be mellowing.
God: That goes back to your question of Hell, and so I'll tell you a bit about it. Hell is set up to deal with offenders. Hell is a really big place, it can handle a lot of new arrivals each day. However, there are times when there are just too many sinners for Hell to handle. That is when I get really drastic. Hell has plenty of space, if you know what I mean .
Apathy: I think I do . . .
God: I wish everybody did.
Apathy: Are You referring to atheists and Existentialists and the like?
God: Yes, I guess so . These people really tick me off. They say that I never existed, that I am dead, or whatever. They really will get a shock when they die ...
Apathy: That reminds me of a piece of grafitti that I read once. The first line had N eitzche saying "God is dead" in 1938. Under that it said "Neitzche is dead" in r 939, and signed by God .
God: That is pretty close to what almost happened.
Apathy: But aren't you supposed to be a forgiving God?
God: Oh, I really am, you'll see I rarely will sentence a man to Hell for all Eternity, that's just a bad rumor. Anybody who repents will reap his just reward.
Apathy: Well, sir, I guess t1hat we had better get this finished. I have a list here of the four questions that the staff most wanted to hear answered First, what is it like being God?
God: I love it! Of course, there are good days and bad days . I have a lot of responsibility, you know. I hate Sunday the most. I set that day aside for rest, and then along came the Christians. I love the Christians, but they make Me work on my day off so that I can answer their prayers.
Apathy: Do you feel that You have ever made a mistake; I mean, have You ever really blown it?
God: That is a hard question to answer, because I can think of one really big mistake . I wish that I had never created more than one race . As far as I am concerned, all men are alike. I added color only because I was bored. Sometimes, I also wonder if I should have let the birds or the insects take over, but that is another problem altogether.
Apathy: What do You have in store for the future?
God: No comment.
Apathy: Finally, who will wm the fourteenth Superbowl?
God: Well, I don't really pay much attention to football, I try to stay totally out of that. However, I always expect that t::he two teams that play will be the Lions and the Saints
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THE BOATWRIGHT LIBRARY HALL OF FAME
concept: John G. Clarke & John K. Offerdahl
written by: John K. Offerdahl
An issue of current concern at the University of Richmond is the theft of books from the library. This has recently been a major topic at this school, because of the growing interest in the sport. The administration does fro,vn upon the practice, but their support is apparent in that they continue to supply the major items used.
The staff of Apathy decided that it was time for everybody to become acquainted with the sport of stealing books from the library. It is currently an underground game with very few rules. Anybody can enter the game, as it is played against the University rather than against an opponent. There is no required equipment for the game, and is thus inexpensive to play.
HISTORY OF THE SPORT
The sport of stealing books from the library has been around, in various forms, for centuries. While it is an underground sport today, at one time it was a very popular competitive sport. The early Greeks considered it to be an exciting game, and included it in their Olympics. In Athens, it was the chief sport. Aristotle was a great backer of the sport, saying, "The book is the form. In the form, we find perfection. The acquisition of the form is the chief goal of all men. . The stealing of books from the library is the most advanced method of obtaining this goal."
When Rome rose to power, the sport took a turn for the worst. The Romans saw books as evil and vile, and so they built few libraries, and at the same time, they burned many. The Romans drank wine, held orgies, and conquered the world. They had no time for sport. Thus, during this time , the sport fell to near extinction.
It was saved through the efforts of a small tribe of mountain people who took the sport to the barbarians, a group of people known for finding pleasure in stealing. During this time, the sport was in its "Dark Age," as it became at first violent and then rigorously regulated.
The sport was reborn in Venice, Italy in the fourteenth century. At this time, man began to open his mind to innovative ideas, and so, the library became a key point of society again. With these libraries came universities , and the libraries often became tied to the various schools. Due to this, the sport became the rage among the students, as they could thus save enough money for the prom. It continues to be at it most popular on college campuses. \Ve find that there are few students who have not stolen at least one book from the library. However, there are a few students who are dedicated enough to the
sport that they pioneer new ways to steal books.
We of the A pa thy staff wish to here recognize past Universi ty of Richmond students who have, through their ingenuity, excelled in stealing books. The compilation of this Hall of Fame has taken four months of extensive research and thought, but we feel that those who have greatly contributed to the sport deserve recognition.
THE HALL OF FAME
We found that five students have found a technique that deserves our attention. They follow in chronological order as to their years of attendance at this school:
1) Bo A. Constrictor (1924-28)
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 195 lbs.
Modus Operandi: The technique that Bo. A. pioneered has since been intensively studied. It is one that few people are to use, but has been found to be almost foolproof. Bo. A . would enter the library carrying his briefcase. Inside of the case, he kept his pet Annaconda ready for use. After he gathered the books that he wanted, Bo. A. wrapped the snake around his neck, put the books into the briefcase, and walked out the door, no questions asked. Stole 412 books.
2) Arnold Zieffell ( 19 59-63)
Height: 5'7 }~"
Weight: 175 lbs.
Modus Operandi: Arnold's father owned a large poultry farm in northern North Carolina. Once a month, Arnold would drive home to the farm, and pick up about ten chickens. He took these back to school, where he used them to carry out his theft.
When ready to strike, Arnold positioned several friends at key locations around the library, all with a chicken ready. On Arnold's signal, all of the chickens were released, creating a great disturbance. When staff members left their positions to chase the chickens, Arnold would run out the door with his day's take. Stole 312 books.
3 ) Charles Chapman Styles Smythe, III ( 1963-67)
Height: 4'7 ¼"
Weight: 192 lbs.
:vfodus Operandi: Due to his short, squat build, Charles was able to develop a technique that has since never been reproduced. Once a week, for four years, he entered the library with a tuxedo stuffed into his brief-
cont. case. He went to the men's room, donned the tux, and gave his street clothing to an assistant. Charles then gathered the books that he wanted and waddle~ out the door. The librarian, mistaking him for a penguin, would never check his books. Stole 18 7 books.
4) Mary Jayne Campe (1964-68)
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 120 lbs
Modus Operandi: Were there a Hall of Infamy, Mary Jayne would be the first entrant. We of Apathy recognize her efforts in the sport, but feel that her technique reflects the campus turbulence of the period.
Mary Jayne always worked with an assistant, Sally Cybine. Sally's job was to distract the hook check lady by faking a blatant attempt to steal a book. While the lady was distracted, Mary Jayne slipped either LSD or DMT into her coffee. She then would wait for a short while, so that the drug could take effect. Mary Jayne then walked right past the book check lady, her arms full of books, and smiled. [Editor's note: We feel that the technique used by Ms. Campe was quite crude. Modern critics of the sport feel that the use of drugs is unsportmanlike. During her career at the University of Richmond , Ms. Campe ruined the lives of 42 members of the library staff while stealing only 119 books. J
5 ) Sonja Bornkhamm (1973-77)
Height: S'S¼"
Weight: 105 lbs
Modus Operandi: Sonja's claim to fame in the sport comes from her taking advantage of the increasing sexual permissiveness of the 1970's. At one time, any co-ed who became pregnant was frowned upon, castigated, and had her library privileges revoked. However, in the early 70's this practice was dropped. Sonja was the fi_rst student at the University of Richmond to recogmze the possibilities of this.
Sonja always wore a peasant dress to the library, with a large bag strapped over her belly under the dress. As she found the books that she wanted, she would put them in the hag. Leaving the library, she would walk bowlegged and tell the book check lady that she wanted a boy. Stole 1,172 books.
FUTURE OF THE SPORT
We at Apathy find the practice of stealing books from the library to be one of the most popular sports at the university, as well as one of the winningest . Due to this, we look for it to expand into other areas of campus life. Soon, students will he stealing films, tapes, and headsets from the Learning Resources Center; they will be stealing pool cues from the Student Commons; they will be kidnapping their professors.
We hope that as the sport does expand, the students will be careful to retain their amateur status. The books that are stolen should be used by the thief rather than sold for a profit , as with the films and pool cues. Ransom for the professor should cover expenses only. Finally, the use of firearms in these facets of the sport should be strictly prohibited to insure the safety of all participants. Fallowing these simple guidelines , the sport should en joy a strong future at this university.
UNIVERSITY SHORTS
The National Foundation for the Blind has stated that they find no humor at all in the recent moves to replace seeing-eye dogs with seeingeye bats.
Investigative reporters have learned that Mork is actually not from the planet Ork, but rather, he is an imposter from the planet Dork. We are sorry to report this news, but we feel that it is better than allowing the man to live a lie.
A University poll of student activities has turned up some interesting results. An enormous 98% of the student body said that they would favor the formation of a formal organization to make funny faces by pressing their mouths and noses against the lakeside window of the University Commons. When asked how they felt about biting the heads off of live chickens, the girls of Westhampton College seemed to favor the practice while the men of Richmond College favor the overall mangling of baby ducks. The Administration simply said that they thought the students to be sick, and that they feel that all students at the University should be pressed through a garbage disposal and served as breakfast juice We feel that this is a most reasonable decision.
The Center for Psycological Services yesterday announced that there is no longer any drug use on this campus. Also enclosed in their memorandum was the news that alcoholism was the leading factor in determining members of Phi Betta Kappa. When reached for comment on this bizarre release a spokesman for the center said, "We don't .have to know for sure, we are Psychologists."
The Administration announced last week that they finally solved the problem of students setting off false fire alarms. They say that all fire alarms will be removed from the campus, to be replaced by large pails of water.
The Biology Department of the University of Richmond has been {:barged with cat burglary. When neighbors of the University recently began to complain that their cats were missing, Henrico County Police planted undercover agents in the department, and found that the cats were being used in the intro-labs and in Comparative Anatomy. A spokesman for the department stated that they only wanted to borrow the animals, and that they planned to return the cats to their owners as soon as they were finished with the semester.
Last month, the United States government announced the results of tests that they have carried out in a secret laboratory in eastern Arkansas. They found that, contrary to popular belief, there is no connection between the smoking of cigarettes and the use of marijuana in Rhesus monkeys Rather, they found that just the opposite is true. The average Rhesus monkey that smokes one pack of cigarettes per day will stand only a 3% chance of smoking marijuana, while the non-smoking Rhesus monky will consume an average of 12 grams of the substance per day. This finding is not expected to have any impact whatsoever upon the relationship of the use of the two inhalents in humans.
The University Center for Psychological Services has announced that following the end of this semester, it wi ll close its doors to all students. The Center has thus broken a record of fine service to the student body. When asked for comment, Dr. Matt Jeremko said, "Can you b l ame us? There are a bunch of crazies here. I don't mean a little nuts, these people are really wacko."
The Society for the Humoring of Obese Animals held its first SemiHemispherical Conference last month in the Robins Center. It was met by huge crowds of irate environmentalists who felt that the Society would disrupt the balance of nature. The S.H.O.A. was formed so that otherwise upstanding members of the community might put on inflatable shoes and green hair to run around handing out puppy buscuits to over -weight cocker spaniels.
The staff of Apathy wishes to express its sympathy.
The Food and Drug Administration has released findings that there is no food currently on the market that will not cause at least one form of cancer. They have recomended that the consumption of food be stopped immediately. They further announced that the only substance that is fully safe for human consumption is agate, which they feel contains more than enough of the essential vitamins and minerals to keep the average man on his feet.
It has recently come to the attention of Apathy that the latest status symbol to reach U.R. is Brooks Brothers', French-tie back, blue, Oxfordbroad cloth, size 34, shorts ( or "undergarments" as those in the know say).
This status symbol, unlike others, is not limited to those who can afford the $7.95 shorts, but rather to those who can pronounce the entire name five times fast with a mouthful of Johnny Walker Red.
\VIN
!! TOURNAMENT!!
AN ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP FOR THREE TO MIAMI, OHIO!!
RULES OF ENTRY:
r. Contestants must be over eighteen ( 18) years of age.
2 You may only enter once.
3. No employees or families thereof may enter.
4. The entry must be at least 2000 words and clearly written on one ( 1) 3x5 notecard.
5. All entries must include a self-addressed, stamped envelope and must be mailed by midnight, 1979.
EXCLUSIONS:
No Chicanos, No Blacks, no Droids, no Druids, no Asiatics, no Tierra del Fuegans, no Polynesians, no Slant-eyes, no Wops or Diegos, no Honkies, no Nazis, no New-Mathians, no Chinks, no Gooks, no Commies, no Pinkos, no Fags, no Dykes, no Turbans, no Bulletheads, no Porno-freaks, no Lovers of Ancient Japanese Art, no Virgins, no Virginians, no Rednecks, no Truckdrivers or Hippies, no Four-eyes, no Hemopheliacs or Diabetics, no Basketcases, no Tar, no Nicotine, no Cyclomates, no Polacks, no Catholics, no Geniuses, no Idiots, no Smart-asses, and no Shit!
Sponsored by The Society For The Year Of The Educated Mind.
