TAKEAWAY THEIRCAPS ANDGOWNS ANDWHO ARETHEY?
JOCKY
EDITORS
Mark Hebdon
Rick Stine
ASSOCIATE EDITOR
Nancy Atwell Jones
ART DEPARTMENT
Kathy Edwards~Editor
Kim Covington
PHOTOGRAPHY DEPARTMENT
Thomas Reed
John Bruce
David Nufrio
WRITERS
Francis L. Lloyd, Jr.
James M. Kirsh
Janet Moore
Betsy Skinner
Sean Finnell
Patti Nolan
Sophist Moderno
Roderick Howard
Elizabeth Simpson
Nancy Mulvihill
Rachel Saunders
John Curtin
William Mosley
James Mackey
Jefferson Myers
Bonnie J. Axtell
STAFF
John Edmundson
Leslie Stine
Arthur Lumsden
Tessi Green
Thomas Wa1sh
Scott Strickler
David McGrann
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Omar Mardan-Assistant Managing Editor of The Richmond TimesDispatch
Edward Swain-Chairman of the Journalism Department
Gus Dietz-for his willing cooperation
Gary Martindale-for helping us get out of a bind
BIRTHATAGEONE
This is not a literary magazine. It is a "self-described 'absurd, satirical ' magazine" of no artistic value.
The fact that this magazine has no artistic value is a regrettable circumstance for several reasons.
First, The M essenger Lampoon is the newest publication on campus. Because the magazine lacks tradition, it follows therefore, that it does not possess established respectability in literary circles. The magazine has no breadth. It is limited to satire, which in its scope, casts aside literature.
Secondly, for reasons supposedly only known by the Board of Publications, two "very qualified interested applicants" for the position of the editor of The Messenger were left in the dark concerning their eligibility. The truth of the matter lies in the fact that the current editors not only bribed the Board of Publications, but threatened the opposing Westhampton applicants with rape. These off-color practices ar e enough to demean the respectability and artistry of any publication.
Also, the Board of Publication's decision that interest in the literary magazine was declining in recent years, was an ingenious device, if we may say so, as a means of our creating an expedient solution to the illusion intended. This action further necessitated our disposal of numerous cartons overflowing with manuscripts, awaiting potential M ess eng er publication.
It seems that because trends of interest in literature continually come and go , this new publication will no doubt infect not only the University's artistic outlets, but also sever the continuity and tradition of The Messeng er, perhaps forever. Although this new publication lacks artistic character, it does possess visual handsomeness, extending beyond " cheap paper stock and staples".
Yes, we confess to the murder of The Messenger. The birth of the Mess enger Lampoon not only commits itself to th e suppression of literary creativity and to the defamation of artistr y, but also lends itself to the supportive cause of good old American qualities: BIGOTRY, DRINKING , GAMBLING , WENCHING , MOBBING, LYNCHING, ETC.
We are now in the midst of Second Wind. Second Wind is a natural phenomenon which occurs half-way through any intended action. Look at the facts:
First, Second Wind makes its mark in the sports world. The runner is a prime example. From the Olympic competitor to the afternoon jogger, the consequences of Second Wind are felt . When that moment hits , the athlete's drive to success is revitalized, wiping away his once dismal outlook.
Second Wind is experienced in the life of the musician as well. The drive to perform that final encore is attributed to the artist's need for self-fulfillment, persona l worth, recognition, and dedication to his art.
The concept of Second Wind can also be applied t o the student. For th e freshman, Second Wind provide s an opportunity to regain lost momentum or even to establish momentum that one did not have in the first semester . It provides the opportunity to renew one's goals or t o plan new ones. Second Wind enables the freshman t o correct his mistakes of the past. In other words, this is the time to clean up your act.
For sophmores and juniors, it is not too late to begi n experiencing the effects of Second Wind. But first, certai n questions must be resolved: Who am I?; What's in store?; Is brown-nosing the only successful answer ? Don't worry, college will provide the answers. And b esides, your faculty advisor is always at hand to light th e way.
As for the seniors, if you haven't experienced Second Wind by now, forget it. It's all over.
In an attempt to ease the burden of academic life, we at The M essenger Lampoon have compiled this issue of S econd Wind for you to use at your discretion. It is an alternative to conventional college reading material, providing a new perspective within the U of R college experience.
-M. H.
-R. S.
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
EarlyAdmissions
Jerry "Bud" Anderson Undecided Practical jokes; drinkin' beer; ridin' around "Have a brew on me.''
Wilmaleeta Jones Business Administration
Billy D. Williams; John Wayne movies "It 's going to be a real cha!lenge learning to put up with white people.I)
Marrieta Lovemore Cultural Awareness Art; Music; Life "I love the act of living."
Tarzan Tarzannadanna Performing Arts Nude dancing; speelunking; and basic climbing "I love men who can show me a new way to do the ordinary."
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote: Name: Major: lnterests: Quote:
Arnold Bicep Foreign Relations Sun bathing; Skinny dipping "Yes it's true that I can bench-press 6 women."
Rod Klondyke Meditation Woodstock; sit-ins; smoking grass "Peace."
Nita Oedipus Psychology Youn"!;er men: Freudian psychology; phallic svmbols "My son's friends aren't around an, more since he went away to sChool."
Tony Tremor Night Club Mailagement Hustling; boogying; and just plain getting down "I'm so good-'ooking; sometimes I just can't stand myself."
1978 Facebook
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Robert "Dixie" Freelander Fake French Accents Telling stories about my native country "Thees ees a beoutiful countree and thee wemen are beautiful too.
Wanda and Wendy Hipjoiner Dual exhaust system maintainence Three-legged races; double dating; double features "Lord help the sister that comes between me and my man."
Sister Sarah Savior Brotherhood Seeing the "Exorcist" and the movie version of "The Bib'e" "Give me your heathenistic slobs and I'll show them the light for a S buck contribution."
Vic Vitalis Cosmoto logy Arnold Bicep "Gee, your hair smells terrific!"
Name: Major: Interests: Quote: Name: Major: Interests: Quote:
Name: Major: Interests: Quote: Name:
Major: Interests: Quote:
Hollie Humble
Crock-pot cooking
Being kind to animals and old people
My hope chest is just about full and my daddy keeps telling me that I'd make some luch man a wonderful wife. I think he's right."
Lawrence B. Lizard, III Pre-Law Fraternities; Bill Deal and the Rhondells "I wanna know-oh-oh, will ya be my girl?"
Jo,·ce Sisters
Computer construction and Nuclear Medicine
Anythin?; that is hard for normal people to do "I just lo ve being brilliant."
H. Waldorf Randolf Wickfield, III
International Corporate Finance and Banking IBM · GM · and Lloyds of Lond~n "I'm rich and you're not."
Greetings to all of you out there! In this issue of "The \Vesthampton Wench", I would like to address myself to a problem that is bothering me and I know is bothering you. I don't want to sugar-coat this whole thing, so I'll come right down to it. As all of you have probably noticed, there is an extremely tragic lack of men at the University of Richmond. Oh, there are males on the other side of the lake, but the boys over there leave much to be desired. Yes, this is what I'm getting at-where are the men? If we were a Jewish institution, any males over thirteen could be considered "men". However, most of us are not Jewish, so that unfortunately, we are stuck with what we've got.
Please, don't despair, oh wenches of Westhampton! I have a plan that might help us out of these troubled times. First of all, don't let a boy touch you until you know for a fact that he can speak and write in coherent sentences. Now, don't despair. It may take a lot of hunting, but I'm sure there is one male out there who can meet this first criterion. Second, if you happen to be locked in a (pant, pant) passionate embrace with a male and he remembers that the only other time he kissed a girl was in 1967, and the girl turns out to have been his grandmother-leave!
This reminds me of a joke: How can you tell if a Richmond College boy is kissing you? He will be holding you in one arm and his directions in the other!!
Seriously folks, vve must not allow this to go on any longer. You may be asking, what choice do we have? Well, for some there are the law students, but it has been said that they spend more time studying their briefs than anything else. Then, there are the graduate students, but what is a grad student except someone who wants to spend the rest of his life in school? We must remember that we are the wenches of Westhampton, and in the great traditions embodied in this institution, we must find some men! Therefore, here is my final proposal: forget all about men and devote all your time to your studies. In this way we can all become worldly wenches. Meanwhile, if a miracle occurs and suddenly we find that the males "over there" do become MEN, we can take the appropriate sort of action.
This reminds me of another joke: How do you break a Richmond College boy's finger? ,Punch him in the nose!!!
In conclusion, let me say this. All is not lost. There is hope behind every drop of rain that falls and every cloud (even if it is over Richmond College) does have a silver lining. I'm almost positive every one of those boys has a mother who loves him dearly. I know that is not much consolation, but it is the best I can offer in these trying times.
I'll leave you with one last joke. Have you heard about the man that went to Richmond College? No? Well, neither have I!
I'll be back next month with another issue of "The Westhampton Wench", when my topic will be "ls there life after Westhampton?" So until then, stay happy and come by and see me sometime. I just love getting to know each and every one of you .
THE RICHMOND RAKE
Now that it's springtime, a young man's fancy often turns to thoughts of love. I'm sure you men have undoubtedly noticed the feminine beauties strolling upon the campus grounds You may also have noticed the Westhampton girls, who unfortunately, may be your only bet this semester for romance at the University of Richmond. It doesn't take a fool to realize that the campus is flooded with them. The strange thing about Westhampton girls is that many of them are black and blue. It's not really all that strange when you consider the fact that so many of them have been touched with ten-foot poles.
In any case, men, we must hold some pity in our hearts for these creatures. Westhampton {s our sister school so we must show them some consideration . I know it's not easy, but we must understand their situation. Being a Westhampton girl is not an easy life to lead. In fact, one Westhampton girl recently told me that on the day of her birth, in the delivery room, the doctor took one look at her and slapped her mother. To say the least, this is starting out life on the wrong foot and you would be surprised to find out how much these girls have in common with one another.
Since it is springtime, and we are young men, it is then inevitable that our thoughts ·will turn to love . We must learn to make the best with what we have. There are certain things that one should know, however, when initiating a romantic nelationship with a Westhampton co-ed .
While crossing the Bay of Pigs on your way to pick up your date, you should remind yourself that it will be to your benefit not to cuss around her. In most cases, she is probably very used to hearing profane conversation whenever she goes om anywhere. But she will be all the more appreciative toward you if she feels that you do not express the need to cuss her out. In the same light, you must remember that you should not become offended if, at Phil's, someone tells you that your date's face is enough to make a train take a dirt road. She's used to it and you must learn to live with it if you are to carry on this relationship. I once heard, during a parent's weekend, a distressed mother tell another that when her daughter was young, she had to tie a bone around her neck in order to get the dog to play with her. It's a pretty dismal situation, I know, but a little optimism can do wonders in your relationship.
If perchance, you should fall in love with a Westhampton Woman, then bless you, you're a saint. In most cases, once you're married, you will find yourself jumping at the opportunity to take out the trash instead of your wife. In spite of this fact, some men have become very successful in their relationships with their wives. Look at Rodney Dangerfield for instance. He became famous with his one-liner, "Take my wife . . . Please!". Ethel Dangerfield graduated from Westhampton College in 1940. There is hope for some.
We, as Richmond Rakes, must keep an open mind when dealing with Westhampton College. As they say, beauty is only skin deep. So, check them out; since the weather is getting warmer, head on over there You will probably find at least one you like grazing on the "resthampton green.
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COLLOQUIUM PROGRAM FOR FRESHMEN
102 "Life, Death, and Reality" (3)
This course will explore all aspects of this topic.
103 Who's Who" (3)
An in depth study of the Brit 'ish rock group; the backgrounds and family trees of the band members and who was responsible for their name.
ART
220 Natural Sculpture ( 3)
Three-dimensional projects through medium of erosion sludge. Students choose spot near Science Center to express themselves through mud sculpture.
225 Egyptian Methods ( 3)
By special request, the Industrial Plant Faculty will instruct Middle East styles of stacking coal and why they prefer this method to that of the Myan Pyramid technique.
240 Modern Maybelline (3)
Principles and application of cosmetics to accommodate any situation , plus individual emphasis on creative color expression.
ASTRONOMY
103 Getting High (3)
A cosmic continuation of Astronomy 101 by incorporating chem'ical and musical exercises into the study of the galaxy.
BIOLOGY
248 Practical Nutrition (4)
Practical analysis of nutrients and their physical properties. Lab work required will delve into nutritional levels of the various meal combinations offered at the campus dining facilities.
260 Flea Strains and Behavior Patterns (3)
Identification, classification, and relationships between the various flea species found on Pierpont, Spacedog, Bert, and Ernie .
315 Selective Genetics ( 4)
An analysis of experiments leading to the discovery and development of the superman. Lab work includes cloning, embryo transplantation and human sterilization. Prerequisite: Genocide 201-202.
CHEMISTRY
311-312 Fundamentals of Alchemy (8)
The principles of Alchemy, including the study of the elements and their properties. Lab work includes the making of gold from coal and creative ways of making valuable gems from useless text books. This course is designed for the serious-minded student who plans to go on in a money-making science. Prerequisite: Principles of Magic and Witchcraft 103-104.
CLASSICAL STUDIES
115 Heiroglyphics: An Introduction (3)
Cave selections and a survey of scrolls and tablets complete this introductory review of early grammar and ancient writing.
EDUCATION
220 Teaching Techniques (3)
An introduction into the various teaching techniques found prevelent in American school systems. Emphasis will be placed on such methods as: animated teaching, monotonal digression, and favoritism in the classroom.
ENGLISH
366 Advanced Oral Practice ( 3)
Informal advanced conversation course which the English major must take in compliance with rhetoric proficiency requirements. The course will delve into the various aspects and techniques involved in cocktail party articulation.
GEOLOGY
115 Geology of Newark, New Jersey (4)
A general course dealing with basic geologic principles, using various geologic areas and features of Newark, N. J. as examples. For non-majors only. Lab required.
298 News Interpretation (3)
Designed to provide students with techniques for intelligent reading of daily newspaper and weekly news magazines. Daily assignments include headline interpretation and caption analysis.
PHILOSOPHY
252 Elementary Intuition ( 3)
Why logic means absolutely nothing and intuition is absolute. Abandonment of all rules and techniques for clear thinking and decision making. Prerequisite: Failing grade in Elementary Logic 105.
POLITICAL SCIENCE
369 Illegal Thinking (3)
Designed for all students who wish to learn more about the law and how to bend it; how lawyers and judges can be bribed, and how plea bargaining really works . Prerequisite: Police Record.
319 Ugandan Political Conflict and Public Disorder ( 3)
A case study of V.D. and how it is tearing through Uganda, as well as Idi Amin's valiant efforts to nip it in the butt.
PSYCHOLOGY
351 Plant Psychology (4)
Studies in the Psychological processes occurrmg m plants, considered 'in relation to the growth and development of the plant. Lab required.
RELIGION
101-102 Applied Religious Persecution (3)-(3)
The first semester is a study of historical persecution with an emphasis on 20th century modes of persecution. The second semester includes field training in torture, terrorist bombings , and burnings at the stake.
SOCIOLOGY
202 Welfare Fraud (3)
Structural examination of the American welfare state so as to determine the most expedient means to beat the system. Emphasis on collecting welfare while on unemployment and the G.I. Bill. Prerequisite : Failing grade in Ethics 202-203.
205 Facade Development (3)
Introduction into facade condition1ng. Course is designed to delve into all aspects of the facade: origins, techniques, etc . and its relevance to the university structure . Students are encouraged to perform out of class assignments. Lab . required.
SPEECH
215 Let's Communicate (3)
A course geared toward the mute speech major, with heavy emphasis on mannerisms, facial expressions, gestures and eye contact with audience .
BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION
305 Accounting ( 3)
Intermediate Embezzling: Advanced level consideration of financial juggling Preparation and analysis of corporate financial statements so as to discover easy holes in the system. Prerequisite: Criminal Math 117 .
350 Finance (3)
Campaign Finance for Fun and Profit : Forms of campaign organization financing that allow for kick-backs and general techniques in budget manipulation .
320 Marketing (3)
Fundamentals of the Black Market: Movement of goods and services from producer to underworld to consumer without detection Analysis of the best marketable investments and avoidance of stake-outs Also strategy development and evaluation of good defe n se lawyers.
An Ode on the Distant Prospect of a Richmond Graduate
I
Ye aspiring tow'rs, nobly old, Which teach us paths of right, I beg ye bend your spires so bold, And hearken to my plight. I have spent my youth in your care, Reaching for what the mind may dare,And now, as I prepare to leave, Fashioning a stance for the world, Still fearing the banner unfurl' d, I ponder 'neath your eaves.
II
I gaze upon the blithe freshmen, M em'ry full of their joy: Ignorant of the fearful den, The traps both wild and coy, That await them outside your gate, That will clutch them ere day grow late, They laugh, and shout, and dance, and sing. Ah, let them celebrate their life,Why kill w ith knowledge of sad strife, A dark, devilish thing?
III
Yet still I gaze upon your heights: No reply comes to me.
I walk the stillness of your nights: Can a reply ever be?
I mustn't reveal the future aches, The doubts that lie beyond these lakes. For I have learned, in your mob, That ignorance is often bliss. But please, if you can, answer this: Where can I get a job?
-F. L. L.
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CommitteeAnnouncesRevisionof CollegeBoardTest
PRINCETON, NEW GUERNESEY (BP)-The Committee for Administration of Scholastic High Ineptitude Tests and Other Relevant Inquisitions (CASHITORI) announced today that the Scholastic High Ineptitude Test will be revis ed immediately due to increasing low scores by American high school seniors.
The Scholastic High Ineptitude Test, better known by its popular acronym, is designed to "weed out the goats from the sheep ," in the mixed metaphor of committee chairman Vlad T. Impaler. Given to all high school seniors in March each year, the test singles out the most inept students, who are then enlisted in the military. The rest are allowed to enter the college of their choice.
Increasingly low scores in the past few years have diminished the number of college freshpeople, according to the CASHITORI report. The revised test should alleviate this situation "The Pentagon is screaming a little," said Impaler, "but we want to keep our collegiate clients happy." Some excerpts from the new test are given below
READING COMPREHENSION
DIRECTIONS : Read the following passages slowly, maybe two or three times if necessary, so that you understand them completely Then answer to the best of your ability the questions following the passages.
( 1). See Jane run. See Dick run after Jane See Spot chase Dick.
Dick is:
(a) . running after Jane . (b). running in front of Spot.
( c) . between Jane and Spot.
(d). don't know .
(2). See J ane run across the street. See Dick run after her. A car is coming. Watch out, Dick! Dick 1s.
(a) . dead as a doornail.
(b). miraculously saved by Superman.
( c). the former star of "Leave It to Beaver". (d). Go to next problem.
A
portionfrom:The Canary'sCathouse or I Eat at Joe's
tSince my style in the past has been to bore my reader(s) with unnecessary material throughout the first fifteen pages of each novel, why should I change now? But I will. Do you know why? Of course not I will change my style because I exemplify the clever 20th century novelist who sells not only garbage to the public, but to my publisher on occasion. But don't confuse me with Harold Robbins . I at least reveal some sort of message. So it goes
tAll of the following happened, sort of. The war parts are somewhat true except that I changed all of the names , places , and things that occured. And besides the fact that I never really participated in a war ( except when 1 collected the foil chewing gum wrappers for an ammunition factory) , the following facts ought to be partially p l ausib l e. Hi ho.
tListen: Kilgore Trout was a two -bit writer If you found a real smutty looking store, and if you had the patience to wade through all the crap on the shelves, theodds are that you could find one of Kilgore's books. Kilgore's books were never smutty. Just the covers were . Kilgore was broke Kilgore was now standing in one of those stores looking for one of his books. So it goes.
' Somewhere across the universe stood Billy Pilgrim m a place called Dresdin Billy was staring at blown-out babies brains. There had been a war. Billy felt sick. He had a weak stomach. The men in Billy's brigade called him a pussy. This made Billy feel even sicker. So it goes.
tElliot Rosewater is a millionaire. Right now he is playing with his Tonka Toys on the floor of his Michigan mansion. He is a victim of society. He likes the fire trucks better than the police cars because the fire trucks have ladders. Elliot Rosewater wants to go to Tralfalmadore. He knows that he has the money to get there. He just doesn't know where it is Poo -tee-weet, said a bird in the window sill. So it goes. -K*rt V*nneg*t jr.
( 3) A good question the reader may ask himself upon completing this excerpt is:
(a). how does this guy eat if his total income is from his novels?
(b). I wonder if the food is better at Joe's than in the refectory?
(c) how much time is left in this exam?
( d). I don't really want to go to college, do I?
T'was in a restaurant they met, Romeo and Juliet
He had no money to pay the dept, So Romeo-ed what Julie-et . -Sh*kespe*re
( 4). After reading this clever ditty, one can assume:
(a). nothing
(b) Romeo was broke
(c) . Juliet wasn't a liberated woman because she should have gone dutch
(d). Even Sh*kespe*re had his bad days.
The woman walked into the room and see·ing the man made her breathe quick, little gasps of air . Her eyes grew wide as the man met her stare. "I thought that you'd never come back " , she said. "You haven't changed a bit." " You were always one for words Gladys", he said. She f ell onto the bed in the middle of the room, and sank into t he safe comfort of its down. Her dress fell off her shoulders r evealing a mountain of bare skin , white in its unsung purity. "Come here you little buckaroo", she breathed . He slowly unbuttoned his shirt and threw it onto the chair beside the bed Her eyes lavished his body as he drew closer to her, and finally fell onto the bed beside her ...
( 5). This passage reveals that:
(a) the world was not created over night. (b). good things come to those that wait . ( c). whoever wrote it is a pervert.
( d). the best place to buy milk is at a dairy.
( 6). The sty le of this passage 'is:
(a). fluid.
( b) chaotic.
( c) erotic.
( d) . non-existent .
( 7) The author is :
(a). Too -Loose La Tree.
(b). a cunning linguist.
( c). my mother.
( d). your mother.
It couldn't be true after all this preparation. The long dr ive, securing money , and leaving behind all that work t o make this trip had be en futile. Now he was being told t o leave. It wasn ' t right. They were perfect for one a nother and now, because society dictates it, they must p art.
He knew , the moment he saw her, that she was for him. Amidst the clouded haze of straining bodies and blaring n oise, he struggled to reach her She was angelic Her long , golden tresses tumbled gently over the soft curves of her shoulders to rest upon her warm bosom . The light reflecting from her hair produced a radiant glow about her face , highlighted by the two limpid pools of blue
He had to reach her. He had to let her know that he
was there. Together they could make it. But they had to get away from this place.
They sought refuge from the crowd in a tiny room tucked away inside one of the large buildings on the grounds. Here, in the early hours of the morning they could be alone With a sigh of relief, she embraced him. Her world was now complete.
No sooner had the lights been dimmed when a knock was heard at the door. It was the authorities . He was to be escorted away . This was the law and all must obey . She shed a solemn tear when he kissed her one last time. As he followed them away, she closed the door to the room and cast herself upon the bed . The tears began to flow now as she gave way to uncontrollable grief. Her world was shattered.
( 8). This statement is trying to reveal:
(a) . that one must make the decision between civil obedience or disobedience.
(b). that to save time, money, and trouble, stay at home and work.
(
c) . that you ought to get to Mary Washington earlier next time.
(d). how should I know; I'm a senior and I'm going to graduate.
SENTENCE COMPLETION
Directions : Each of these sentences has one or two blank spaces. The blank spaces are supposed to indicate that a word is missing You are to choose one word or set of words that best fits the meaning of the sentence .
(9). To-·--- ------a University is not the same as ------------it.
(a) . attend .. . enjoying (b) enjoy ... attending ( c). bomb . . . kissing
( d) . boil . . . eating
( 10). I was walking down the street when I saw a -------------playing with his -------------
(a). boy .. . dog (b). clown .. midget ( c). police officer . . whistle ( d). elevator ... button
( 11) Because of the ambiguity of this exam, I will -------------
(a) . never go to college (b). never amount to a hill of beans (c) probably go to Virginia Tech
ANALOGIES
Directions : Each of these questions consists of two words that have a simple relationship. Choose the pair of words that are related in the same way.
(12). DING:DONG : :
(a). pmg:pong (b). smg: song (c). hunky:dory ( d) . funky: story
(13). CAMPUS POLICE:EFFICIENCY::
(a). football:fumble ( b) . keystone: cops ( c) rinky: dink (d). pam:ass
(14). ARA :FOOD::
(a). back door: trots (b). casserole: afterbirth ( c). chicken: lips (d). jock:rot
(14a) . WANDERING JEW:PIERPONT::
(a) . basketball:scrambled eggs (b). rain:pinball ( c). mountains: mole hills (d). santa claus:hair brushes
MATHEMATICAL COMPREHENSION
Directions: Read the following passages pertaining to that honorable science of mathematics and see what you can get out of them.
(15). A and B want to go to City C, which is 48 miles away. They will travel at 48 miles per hour. They leave at noon . A and B will arrive at City C:
(a). at 1:00 p.m.
(b) one hour after they leave.
( c). after two hours less one . (d). not quite sure.
(16) The symbol(=) in a mathematical equation means:
(a). "is equal to."
(b). "is not equal to ."
( c) . "pass except on solid line."
( d) where do you people get these questions?
( 17) . The decimal system is:
(a). a system of measurement based on 10. , (b). a system of measurement based on 2 x 5. ( c). what the Russians will use to decimalate us.
( d). Please let me leave now .
SPECIAL SECTION FOR STUDENTS INTENDING TO GO TO THE UNIVERSITY OF RICHMOND
Directions : Complete the following sentences with the best possible choice.
(18). The University of Richmond 1s the university that is becoming:
(a). THE university.
(b). the UNIVERSITY.
(c) . ThE uNiVeRsltY.
( d) . Virginia's number one consumer of mobile homes.
(19). Our Time in History:
(a) is always now.
(b). lasted for a couple of months during the Civil War.
(c). is anytime an Anonymous Donor gives us a lot of bills.
( d) begins two minutes after you graduate
SEND AN OVER-PRIVILEGEDCHILD TO CAMP RICHMOND
Do you know an over-privileged child who is missing something out of life? You can make that child very happy by sending him or her to beautiful CAMP RICHMOND. For the low, low price of only $4,525 a year, a lucky child will be able to experience all the joys of camp. We offer gourmet meals ( cooked right on the premises), arts and crafts, sports ( to keep your child healthy and happy) , and of course, your child may wish to take one of the many educational courses offered too. In addition to all of these offerings, CAMP RICHMOND is located in Richmond's beautiful West End. We even have a lake that divides the boys
from the girls! But that doesn't mean they don't get together for a little fun and games now and then! So, if you have a child, or know of one, that you would like to make happy, send for our free brochure with color pictures and descriptions of what we offer. Or, you can call toll-free by dialing 1-800-285-6000.
: Yes, I would like to make a child happy! Please send your : free brochure to
Saint Alphonsus Ligouri Orphanage
1506 Phoenix Park Drive Richmond, Va. 23223
My Candidate
Scenario: A Contest To Select the "Greatest Person m History"
Greatness is too often confused with genius, but they are mutually exclusive. Genius is, after all, nothing more than an accidental union of high fidelity genes. But rolls of the genial dice over thousands of years have produced only a handful of geniuses, none of whom have fathered another, and none of whom have been understood. Society and nature culls them out like any other anomalties of the production line.
This election, therefore, must reserve the mantle of "Greatest Person in History" for an average person who has distinguished himself among equals. We must confine our nominees to the mediocre, who are the real people. We must exclude the gifted, the kind, the compassionate, and tolerant, and settle on the same kind of ruthless and opportunistic person we have traditionally elevated to positions of power and glory through consent or apathy.
Will we find such qualifications in a single political, military, religious, or intellectual leader? It is unrealistic
A man was causing a disturbance at the student commons and was asked to leave. When he failed to do so, the campus police were called, who once again asked him to leave. And he did.
A senior at the Business School w.as found to have 16 pounds of marijuana in his possesion. When asked what he was doing with the illegal substance, the seior explained that he was doing an experiment in supply and demand.
A panty raid occured last Thursday night and no panties were stolen. However, it has been observed that a number of Westhampton students have begun practicing the "no-bra" look.
A man exposed himself to a Westhampton student behind South Court last Wednesday. The co-ed was reported to have told the flasher to "put that silly thing away." This he did, then got into his car and drove off.
The famed North Court Dancer once again made an appearance, this time in the Student Commons. A student observed that while the
to think we can find them all in one mediocre person who has nothing to set him above all others.
After due consideration of all the "input", will we have to confer our honor upon an "ad hoc" committee in order to guarantee the embodiment of mediocrity? This is always the safe and acceptable procedure, as the consensus of small minds has muddled us through the long voids when we have had no genius to entrance us with awe.
Do not dispair! Another committee is not necessary to fulfill our standards, because I, Sophist Moderno, am pleased as punch to place in nomination the perfect example of the most ordinary of men who has risen to meet all our qualifications. Gentlepeople, I give you Idi Amin President, Commander of the Armed Forces, Field Marshall, Doctor, Conquerer of the British Empire, Conquerer of Africa and Uganda in particular, etc., and perhaps most importantly of all, Dada!
-S. M.
masked lady left nothing to the imagination ( except her face), the entire exhibition was "flashy but not gaudy."
A quarrel was heard in the court yard of North Court. Security was called and when they arrived the argument was over.
Two dogs were fighting in the Dry Dock area of the Student Commons. The fight was stopped.
A person driving too fast, drove his car down the Greek Theatre steps behind North Court at 11: 30 p.m. The driver was severely injured and was questioned until the ambulance arrived at 1:42 a.m.
A loud party was heard in Mash Hall last Saturday night.
A room in Jeter Hall was broken into and a number of items were stolen. An investigation into what was stolen is now pending.
On Sunday, no incidents were reported, so the security staff spent the day learning how to toss a frisbee. It took them all day.
-N. A. J.
Imagine
Autumn-the music and revelry of nearby college fraternity parties
Winter -the 'invigorating walk through the rain, snow, and ice storms to nearby dining facilities
Spring -sitting in lawn chairs beside decorative pink flamingoes on lazy a~ternoons
Summer-relaxing in air conditioned rooms of unexpected size and decor
Imagine ... year-round enjoyment in a total-living community
Nestled among the pines in Richmond's exclusive West End, Mod City Acres offers the availability of recreational and cultural facilities, plus many modern conveniences at rates that you can afford. You get all this:
-air conditioning and wall-to-wall carpeting -a certain amount of privacy -walk to shopping center and major Southern University -over-night hook-ups available -and much, much more!
Perfect for the growing family! (wife and children may visit Sun./Thurs. noon-midnight, Fri. & Sat. noon-2 a.m.)
Write today for details and we will send you, at no cha.rge, this gift-TRAILER PARK MANAGERS I HAVE KNOWN, by Lowell Thomas, a deep and moving insight into the lives of trailer park managers, normally a $9.98 value, but yours absolutely free as our gift.
Not just a trailer park .... It's a way of life!
Write today! Now available!
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Trailer Park and Overnight Camping
FOR THE DEFENSE
"Send him in Miss Jones," said the toneless voice over the small, white intercom on the desk. 4-22 shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "You may go in," said the woman at the desk. 4-22 stood up and headed down the long hallway. He was a tall, slender man with steady, steel grey eyes. 4-22 pulled out his wallet as he approached the huge security guard at the end of the hall and handed his identification packet to the man. "O.K." was all the guard said as he put the packet back into 4-22's hand.
"This is it," he thought as he twisted the brass knob on the heavy mahogany door. Behind this door, a decision had been made concerning him and the future of his men. He hesitated a moment, pulled open the door and entered the room. Immediately , he felt the heavy presence of power. Power that seemed to surge from the dark oak paneling and the thick brown carpeting. Several large black leather chairs were arranged around a long table. Seated in these chairs were the members of the Advancement Council who waited in silence as 4-22 entered the room. There was a lawyer, a financial consultant, the chairman of the board of a large medical supply firm, his son , and the President. Any decisions made by the council would be en-
forced to the letter by the secret police.
"You may be seated," said the President. 4 -22 seated himself on the stiff, wooden chair facing the long table.
"As you know," continued the President , "we have made some major changes in our defense strategy. We want to be known as a major power. We will accomplish this by attacking from the top and knocking off all opposition . This is not an easy task. We must transfer all our liquid assets into the defense budget so we have discontinued funding in education, housing, food, health and other areas within The Organization. You have lost a great many men in training and combat. In the future, any men unsuitable, for our purposes, will be discarded and new men brought in to replace them. Our new recruits must be the best men available. We must offer them whatever it takes to get them. We will not tolerate the medio crity of the past. It is of paramount importance that we are feared and respected by all who challenge us."
The President paused a moment to look at the others seated around the table and continued.
"Unfortunately, I must inform you, 422, that the council does not feel that it can place the responsibility of attaining this
IlUTINGCLUBSPEDRl
respect upon your shoulders. We must relieve you from your post as Director. Do you understand?"
The words were razor sharp and 4-22 felt stunned by the attack. He swallowed hard and spoke.
"But the strategy we've implemented hasn't been completed. My men still have two more missions."
No one spoke. It was as if he h ad said nothing. 4-22 felt his face flush His muscles tightened and his jaw became rigid. He knew that he must answer them civilly, but the words burst from his mouth before he could check them.
"Is this the thanks I get for the work I've put into the organization! You lousy ... "
"4-22 !," roared the President , "it is not your place to question the motives of the Council! Nothing more needs to be said. Good day."
As 4-22 left the office, he felt a tightness throughout his body, like a rope pulled taught to the point of snapping. His mouth was dry. As he approached the water fountain, a tall, muscular young man, rounding the corner, bumped into him The big fellow suddenly recognized him. "You O.K. coach? You look a little peeked."
RAY GREASER-8 p.m. in the multi-purpose room MARCUS WELBY, M.D.-8:00 p.m. Science Center of the Student Commons 3/4/78. room 100 4/28/78.
The Boatwright Lecture series is proud to present UR's own version of the deceased Elvis Presley. Mr. Greaser, whose resemblance to "The Pelvis" is remarkable and heart-warming, will lecture on how he feels about show business. His presentation will include a slide show depicting the life of "Ray the performer" and "Ray the man." Mr. Greater will discuss how he feels about being famous and if it has improved or destroyed his love life. For the show-biz hopeful, Mr. Greaser will answer questions on how one gets "psyched" for a performance. After the presentation, the generous Mr. Greaser will be on hand to autograph the towels he uses to wipe off his brow.
Do you want to go to :Medical School but don't have the grades? UR graduate, Marcus Welby, has found the answer. His lecture will be an introduction to his six week course, "Brain Surgery, Obstetrics and Psychiatry without Organic Chemistry."
LASSIE-2 p.m. on the Westhampton Green 4/30/78.
The renowned dog of stage and screen will be introduced by UR's own Pierpont and will speak on the topic, "Its a Dog-Eat-Dog vVorld Out There". Lassie's manager does want it understood that the topic is no reflection on Lassie's own eating habits, who personally prefers Alpo liver flavor.
THE SEX PISTOLS-3 p.m. in the Campus Security MARGARET TRUDEAU-8 p.m. in the Robins office 3/18/78. Center Arena 4/30/78.
The Sex Pistols will lecture on whatever they want when they arrive at the University. It has been rumored that possible topics might be: "England, Why I Love Her" or "Good Taste and Raunch". The latter lecture, if chosen by the Pistols, will be accompanied by a live demonstration. Call them mad-cap, folks, but that's the way they are.
LARRY FLYNT-6 p.m. in the multi-purpose room of the Student Commons 4/2/78 .
Mr. Flynt, former publisher of Hustler magazine and convicted pornographer, will lecture on "Smut and the Arts." He will attempt to distinguish between the naked human body as seen in "The Nude Woman" by Picasso, and those works in his own magazine . Note: MUST BE OVER 21 TO ATTEND.
BARBIE BENTON-7:30 p.m. Keller Hall reception room 4/25/78.
Hugh Hefner's walking, talking, fun-loving "Barbie Doll" will speak on, "The Easy Way into Show Business". Says Hefner about ex-bunny Barbie's rise to stardom, "Barbie has a great bodyif you watch her sing and don't listen - you'll love her show!"
The estranged wife of Canada's Prime Minister will speak out on what it is like to be married to a famous man. Ms. Trudeau will also discuss her new identity as a high -class groupie and what Mick Jagger's favorite dinner is.
ELIZABETH TAYLOR
W ARNER-9 p.m. in the Camp Theatre 5/2/78.
Mrs. Warner will speak on the state of Virginia and the best way to catch and keep a husband. Afterwards, she will perform a one act, one woman play, written especially for her entitled, "The Two of Us."
BERT
LANCE-1:30 p.m. Dennis Auditorium, (School of Business) 4/20/78.
Mr. Lance will speak to SBA juniors on the subject of management in the area of money and banking. Lance is coming to speak in the Business seminar series by invitation of long time friend David Robins. Robins said that he and Lance will give a short talk to SBA students on how to balance a checkbook. Lance will also speak with University student leaders on how to reorganize the now defunct student loan system, allowing for such benefits as a free trip to l\1exico for those involved in the program. The public is invited to attend.
UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICE GUIDE
NEW POLICY:
As of 1978, due to the combination of the increased student population and rising medical costs, the University has instituted a "SICK-TICK" program. At the beginning of each and every semester, students will be issued a ticket book entitling them to a variety of infirmary services. Each ticket book entitles the registered student to the following:
3 examinations for upper-respiratory disorders
2 athlete's foot treatments or 1 ace bandage
3 throat examinations ( throat spray included)
1 epidemic ticket (good for treatment only in the case of nationally recognized epidemics)
1 $2.00 cash certificate for Robins Pharmaceuticals
6 Band-aids
CONDITIONS:
Transference of a ticket book will result in permanent suspension of services provided for both parties. Students are limited to three disorders per visit. Careful consideration has been employed in selecting services rendered. Students experiencing difficulties beyond this realm are advised to seek assistance at the University Center for Psychological Services.
GYNECOLOGY:
Despite the fact that the University includes a women's college, the caliber student attracted by this institution should not be susceptible to gynecological problems. Also, due to the fact that the population of married students on campus is decreasing, the University administration sees no reason to engage the services of a licensed gynecologist. Concerned
students experiencing difficulties within this speculum should keep it quiet and go elsewhere for help ( please be discrete).
WONDER DRUG AVAILABLE:
TRY-A-MEDICINE: Developed with the U of R student in mind. A miraculous combination of every FDA approved pharmaceutical is available. It is packaged for you into one compact yellow tablet. TRY-A-MEDICINE is non-habit forming and available without prescription at the indiscretion of the student on duty.
CONTRACEPTION:
You don't need it. We don't have it.
COMPARATIVE THERAPY:
The University is applying a new technique in rehabilitative medicine which enables ailing students to observe healthy students. It has been noted that when ill students are exposed to a partying atmosphere, their condition tends to subside. This new therapeutical technique was accidently discovered when the housing shortage necessitated the annexation of the infirmary facility.
NUTRITION COUNSELING:
It has been established that this service is unnecessary, because of the recent recognition of superior nutritional standards in professional food preparation on campus. The prestigious award bestowed upon the University food service by the Greater Henrico Cholesteral Society indicates our complete professional confidence that every student receives a well balanced diet of starches, fats, and unknowns.
-J.M. K.
I hair (or In,.:.
EDITOR'S NOTE: The university that is becoming THE university put itself on the map once again this past summer when the writings of David Crowley were discovered in a mattress in his apartment in Paris. Crowley, RC '71, was an English student who went on to make a name for himself after publishing several poems in Christmas cards. Dr. John Malthusen, chairman of the Richmond College English department, told us, "I do not intend to steal any of Mr. Crowley's thunder, but I must go on the record as saying that we here at Richmond were the first to recognize his literary worth." David Crowley unfortunately passed away last year while cleaning his .25 caliber pistol in his apartment, but the discovery of his manuscripts makes his stay at UR and his tragic end worth all the bother. The Messenger Lampoon is proud to publish an excerpt from his forthcoming novel here:
Call me Crawley.
Ten thirty-seven. Ten thirty-seven. It is always ten thirtyseven. I looked up at the sun, and for a moment could see nothing. Then I pulled open the door, and walked back into my dormitory.
Henry Dartmouth Montcliffe III was sitting at the bottom of the stairs. Henry didn't look like a Henry Dartmouth Montcliffe III, especially since he was smoking a joint. His roommate got along fine with Henry, except that every time Henry started to think about, talk about, or put a match to marijuana, his roommate chased him out. The roommate was very religious, and wore a large wooden cross around his neck to make public the fact that he was, as he put it, saved. He was very intelligent in an irritating way, and so had very high grades in every class but Physics 201, where he had vehemently decried the "big bang" theory as heresy.
"You look depressed," I said to Henry Dartmouth Montcliffe III. "What's the matter?"
"My goddamned parents sent me a box of goddamned clothes," he replied. I waited for an explanation while he took a long inhalation, curious as to why he and the Deity objected so much to the gift. "They're all sweaters and striped shirts and shit like that."
"And?" I asked, halfway knowing how he was going to continue.
"Crawley, man, the goddamned people that make these clothes are all part of the military-industrial complex, y'know? I mean, goddamn, man, the bread they take in for these things goes eventually to the big guys in Washington. They all work together, man, y'know ?"
"Yeah," I said, walking down the hall. Henry's roommate was peeking anxiously around his door, fingering his cross. He was sure Henry's habits and speech would land him in Hell, where everything was put to the torch except marijuana. Once he had met me coming out of the room on Sunday morning. "Ah," he said, "I see someone else on this hall is wise enough to get up for services." No, I answered, unpleasant at that early hour, I was just going to the bathroom. Later, he had begun to ask me, with that earnest look, about the state of my soul. "Ask not about the state of the sole," I said, ".but about the foot within." This time, to avoid the same joke, I walked quickly down the hall.
Beach Boys music was blaring through an open door. Oh well, it was better than the Platters. George Bunt stumbled
out of his room, trying to tie his brown deck shoes, buckle the striped belt on his khakis, and drink a beer at the same time. His girl friend was in the room, dancing around, waving her arms in some indeterminate rhythm, sneaking glances at the mirror, and laughing in her idiotic high pitch when she caught me looking at her legs. "Come on, Georgie," she screamed, "we'll be late for the party!"
Georgie had come to my room once, when he first started to date Susie. He didn't like taking her to the fraternity, because she had gone with three of his brothers before meeting him. He would always be loyal to the brothers, he explained, .but now his new romance ,vas presenting him for the first time with the terrible dilemma of conflicting affections. The adviceseeker talked on for twenty minutes, then summed up his sentimental biography by pronouncing, "Well, I guess you just have to accept these problems and smile, when you're in love." My laughing became uncontrollable at that last word, and George never said much more than "hello" to me after that.
He somehow tied his shoes, buckled his pants, and spilled just enough beer to appear fashionably sloppy, and they walked out. Susie had one hand on George's arm, but the other still waved about in the same private rhythm. She looked over her shoulder at me and said, "You don't party enough, Crawley." I smiled and gritted my teeth at the use of the noun as a verbal, and walked into my room.
Jack was standing by his desk, one hand on his ledger, staring out the window. He turned around and faced me, and said, "Mom died today. Hell, maybe it was yesterday." I didn't know what to do; I muttered my sympathy, and asked when he was going home for the funeral. Immediately I felt a twinge of guilt, because I was already looking forward to having the room to myself. Then he said he 'A'as staying. "Why?" 1 asked, almost revealing my impatience.
"Well, I figure that in my future career a lot of times people will die at inconvenient times, and I have to get used to it. Besides, she won't notice that I'm not there. It was more important that I saw her while she was still around."
He sat down and started at his books. "I've been trying to calculate the funeral expenses for Dad. I figure if I help him along a little bit-on a prorated basis, of course-we can save a little money on taxes at the end of the year. Hell, that's only fair, right?"
I nodded my assent to the theory of fiscal support for funerals of mothers, but I still didn't know what to do with my body, so I stood stupidly in the middle of the room. Suddenly Bruce Jenkins, the only fellow I knew on the football team, burst into the room. Rumors were going around that Bruce had been caught doing something illegal, running dope or stolen stereo equipment or something, and that somebody in the administration was taking care of it. I liked him whether he had done anything wrong or not, because he was so naturally himself, totally devoid of artifice.
"Hey, Crawley, the Dean wants to see you," he said, pounding me on the shoulder. "I was just in to see him. You know, he ain't such a bad guy."
I walked to Dean Smithson's office, straight to the door which he made a point of proclaiming always open. "Crawley," he shouted, ever exuberant, "what's all this about you wanting to transfer?"
HELPFUL HINTS FOR THE COLLEGE STUDENT
Helpful Hints for the College Student # 1 How to do Laundry
Laundry day is a day that all college students fear. In an- effort to make laundry more enjoyable to the college stud,ent, here ar.e some helpful hints on how to do laundry.
1. Shove rank socks, B O.'ed shirts, stained sheets, and shorts into large carton.
2. Select a detergent. Guys will buy something cheap, something that no one has ever heard of before (Duz, Sail, Oxydol, A&P Brand-total cost of $.59). Girls will spend a fortune on the latest detergent, bleach, bleach substitute , liquid fabric softener, dry fabric softener (Dynamo , Clorox, Snowy, Downy, Bounce -total cost of $54.9 5). NOTE : DETERGENT SHOULD BE PURCHASED BEFORE DOING LAUNDRY!
3 Lug your bundle of clothes down the stairs like a frowsy, brow -beaten washer woman.
4 Hope like hell that some machines are available.
5. Decide upon hot water/hot rinse, warm water/cold rinse, cold water/cold rinse. This is especially important for girls, who care about clothes. Guys skip to number 6
6. Guys: Pour in the soap until it "looks right." Start machine (s). Girls: Measure detergent, bleach, etc accurately.
7 Hike back upstairs to read chapter of Soc., Psych., or some other garbage you read only on laundry day.
8 After half an hour of wash time, rush downstair s and pray that some big slob hasn't yanked your clothes out of the washing machine and tossed them around the laundry room like he was in a Samsonite commercial.
9. Threaten dryer with mechanical injury if it turns out to be a dud since you only have
one quarter left and nobody bet ween you and the Payments Office will give you a quarter for two dimes and a nickel.
10. Climb up the stairs and try to get in another chapter of reading.
11. A) decide that shirt coll ars and pants pockets will always come out damp, or B). punch out dryer's lights
12. Guys only : Try to look cool as a cute girl passes you on the stairs and you notice that your jock strap has fa ll en off the top of the laundry pile. When she accidently kicks it down the stairs and then returns it with a smile, accept the favor graciously. Check the label to make sure that the jock strap is not a "small", since she is now laughing hysterically if she saw that it is.
13. Vow never to do laundry again.
Helpful Hints for the College Student # 2 How to writ.e a term paper.
Writing term papers is something that all college students fear. In an effort to make term papers more enjoyable to th ·e college student, here ar.e some helpful hints on how to write terms papers:
1. Get an extension if at all possible.
2. Do not begin until midnight, the night before the paper is due.
3. Decide on a subject you have done before. State capitals, snakes, and Mount Vesuvius are your best bets.
4. Find a book on the subject.
.5 . Change the words around, adding your own personal flair, if you have one.
6. Compile a bibliography.
7. Type all through the night. The hell with your roommate.
8. Read over the paper, adding footnotes here and there.
9. Hand the paper in at the last possible minute.
ACROSS
10. C ut your classes the next day and sleep all day. You deserve it.
Helpful Hints for the College Student #3 How to throw a keg party.
Having keg parties is something that all college students fear. J,n an .effort to make keg parti!es more enjoyable to the college student, here are some helpful hints on how to hm,1ea keg party:
1. Forget the party and freeload off someone else if possible.
2 If not, find someone who has done this kind of stuff before, i.e., big brother, big partier, big alcoho l ic
3. Order keg(s).
4. Pick up kegs Suggest that you drive; that way you can say, "I drove, so you guys have to carry the kegs.''
5. Steal trash barre l ( s) from other dorms.
6. Check ice machines in Freeman, Robins Center, and Grey You will never find ice in any of these machines, but it beats paying 85 ¢ a bag at 7- 11 if you don't have to.
7. Pack the keg in ice, inside of a trash barrel. Send out call for someone who knows how to tap keg.
8. Tap first keg at one o'clock in the afternoon , rough ly seven to eight hours before partytime. What the hell, you paid for it, right?
9. Expect to see people you've never laid eyes on before. Everyone is your friend for as long as the beer holds out.
10. Watch people vanish into thin air as keg runs dry
11. Throw out last remaining couples who are trying to make out on your bed.
12. Take about five aspirins and go to bed. Swear that you will bomb Boatwright Tower if the bells play tomorrow morning.
3. what you get after eating the cafeteria food 4. student housing (s lang) 5. hear no ..............
fun
7. we have no academic .................... at UR 8. name of gas station 9. preppie 10 social disease
11. non-social disease
12 minoritv
13. slang term for silver lining
14. tuition increases are a bag of (HINT: nasty word)
15 32nd state
16. state Uni, ersity in Va.
17. bio logical term
18. longest word in the dictionary
19. favorite food
20. name of Rov Roger's horse
21. name of Ro~- Roger ' s 32nd grandchild
22. dirtiest joke you ever heard
23. see #127
3I. what Mary Poppins did to the chimnev sweep
92. I'm an old ................ .. hand
33. de scribe the Sex Pistols (HINT: another t\irty. word)
35. Im rnto
41. Larr y Flynt
PARKING
Plans for construction are now underway in an effort to resolve the parking dilemma now being experienced at the University of Richmond.
The past parking situation has given rise to the increase in campus unrest among University members.
Riots have occurred frequently in X lot forcing the campus police to neglect important concerns.
"I'm mighty tired of being called in at all hours of the night to settle these disturbances. This wasn't in my contract," said Director of Security, Robert C. Dillard.
"The security force has been increased to temporarily control these violent outbursts, however, permanent action must be taken to resolve this problem once and for all," said Controller of University Business Affairs, Herb Peterson, "The University budget just cannot stand the strain of these
DILEMMA RESOLVED
additions to the security force. We just don't have the money."
The proposed plan implemented by the Board of Trustees calls for a revolutionary reassesment of the physical features of the campus.
"Our idea is brilliant," said one trustee member, "This is certainly our time in history."
The most notable feature in the proposed plan is the black topping of University Lake. The new ten acre parking facility will more than accommodate University needs.
"This engineering feat is undoubtedly one of the first of its kind," said Vice President for Student Affairs, William Leftwich.
In addition to black topping the lake, the proposed plan calls for construction of various smaller lakes located about the campus The most obvious locations for the new lakes are the sites of the
old parking lots.
"Instead of being a University with one lake, we are now a University with many lakes," said University President, E. Bruce Heilman, "This is certainly our time in history."
There will be restrictions enforced pertaining to the new lakes. Freshman will be allowed the privilege of using X Lake for recreational purposes. Commuting students, just as before, will be permitted the use of scenic C Lakes. Faculty will be offered the advantages of K Lake for weekends and holidays . At this time, other lake assignments have yet to be made.
"We are pleased with the Board's decision," said Tom Pollard, director of admissions, "This new phase of the University's growth program will add a new dimension to the University's appeal. This is certainly our time in history."
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ...
We are living in trying times. The Angel of Death is up on the University of Richmond. l ,ts deplorable presence is being felt, even now, tampering with the very structure of The University. I speak, of course, of the presence of Rober:t Alley. His behavior is reprehensible. No man of his character should be permitted upon the grounds of this educational institution. He speaks blasphemy and this, my friends, cannot he tolerated. If we are to strive for Truth in the minds of our young then we must dispose of this man, now, before all is lost.
Having lifted this burden £.rom my ches ,t, I must now pose a question. Is ,this University really free from irresponsible, unconstructive, immoral expres -sion? I rthink not; and I know you too will agree with me, once you see the facts.
It has been rumored that ,the President of this University, E. Bruce Heilman, Ph.D., LL.D., D.Hum., held a meeting with a group of students on the front lawn of his home la ,te, some afternoon back. The invasion of this man's privacy, by a horde of intruders having no appointment, tarnishes the name of professionalism. Can we have a man of this •sort, bending backwards ,to meet the demands of an impulsive mob, run ,this school? I should say not.
And what about the deans of students? Dean Mateer, a role model for our young, spor ,ts a beard and smokes a pipe. What kind of example is thi ,s? Dean Benne ,t, too, in her influential position of developing tender minds, behaves abominably. On numerous occasions she has be ,en observed smoking cigarettes not only in public, but on ,the job as well. As for the Business School, perhaps there is hope in the new chosen dean.
It is quite evident ,that the R ,eligion Department ha s failed to meet the standards es:tablished by this Univ ,ersity, these being ,the ultimate preaching of Truth. There can be no other alternative but to close it down. No more can be sa ,id. But what about ,the other departments? Are they lacking ,too? I am afraid ,they are.
The History Department has been known to carry, in i,ts curriculum, courses of instruction in Communism. Did the McCarthy Era not show them the Truth? Russia is ready and willing ,to bomb us at any moment and we are supporting our very ruin by allowing these Reds to educate, no, brainwash our children. This is a disgrace! The English Department, as well, fails mis ·erably in i,ts attempts to instruct. Young students are now reading and being tested on the philosophies of such scum as Joyce, Lawrence, Camus, Solzhenitzyn-the lis ,t goes on and on. If this is not enough, the Philosophy Department encourages young minds to ques ,tion the laws of these United States of America everyday in the classroom.
And since we are discussing the Humani ,ties, let's take a look at the Art Department. Students today are studying the naked human body, the most pr •ecious gift given them by the Almighty. I don't know about you, but I, for one, cannot tolerate lust in the classroom. Such sexual exploitation and perversion -as this must be stopped immediat ,ely.
But the worst news, my friends, is yet ,to come. I cannot tell you how much it hurts me ,to inform you that the
Biology Department is advocating Darwinism. How can they even consider the principles of evolution when we all know tha ,t it is not true? Adam and Eve were not Apes! Everyone knows ·that.
Do not despair of this grim news: there is yet a way to redeem ,the classroom from the forces of diurnal academic exploi ,tation. We must simply close these departments and rid these vermin from ,the premises. In this way, we can flush away this filth, once and for all. In addition, we must seriously consider the advisability of closing down ,the departments of Sociology, Education, Business, and Political Science. We cannot allow s,tudents who have been poisoned by such cynicism ,to receive an academic degree of any kind from the University of Richmond. We have a moral obligation ,to keep these deflowered menaces away from ,the power •structure of our society. This is our only hope for survival.
If this proposal leaves us with very few department ,s offering a wholesome, well-rounded education, ,then so be it. If it would prove uneconomical to operate a campus as large as ours for so few dedicated people, then we must go on living and adapt to Economic Law. l ,t may well be, that the best course of action will prove for us ,to close the doors of the University of Richmond and sell the property to the Country Club of Virginia. This possibility does have its virtues, however. W ·e would not only fulfill our moral obligation to society, but would be aiding the President, of this country of ours, in his courageous s,truggle against unemployment ,in the golf caddie s,ector of the economy. And finally, we will rest as -sured ,that no Jew or Black will •ever set foot on this property again.
A Concerned Trustee
I feel that the time has come for me to speak out against this publication that you laughingly call a magazine. I am, as you will remember, the person who wrot,e the letter to ,the Collegian appr 1opriately titled, "Visitation Seen As Radical Trend." Yes, I think visitation is a radical trend and in the name of apple pie and mom, we should put a stop to all new ups,tarts ,that think they can overcome the powerful base of tradition. And you, Sirs, you are the ones who are helping to bring the American way to a screeching halt! What do you think you are? Do you fancy yourselves the new messiahs who, with a few bad jokes, can change the world around? You must remember that you are not the · President of a University nor are you Johnny Carson. I don't know if this will make the new so-called "absurd, satirical" magazine, but I felt a need within me to protest this radical trend. I don't know, you might even be Communists. I'll even bet you work with the Abbie Kauffman or whatever. You are both corroding the American way of life - namely tradition. If you think you can destroy a fine tradition with one fell swoop, I assure you, you're sadly mistaken and I'll be ,there to watch you fall. So go ahead. BE FUNNY. See if I or any of the other true blue Americans care!
Sincerely,
Nancy Atwell Jones
DOER'S PROFILE
( Pronounced Dew-ars)
E. BRUCE HEILMAN, Ph.D., LL.D., D.Hum.
HOME: University of Richmond, Virginia
AGE: 52
PROFESSION: University President and Professional Fund Raiser.
HOBBIES: Go-cart racing, gourmet cooking and fund raising.
MOST MEMORABLE BOOK: "The Prince" by Machiavelli.
LATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Successfully convincing wealthy people that the University of Richmond is on the way to becoming "The" University.
QUOTE: "He who has the gold makes the rules."
PROFILE: charming, handsome, sensitive. A true leader of men and their purse strings.
FAVORITE DRINK: Chocolate milk.
