I Spent Half My Life Feeling Shame For Being Asian In America. Here's What Changed.（我之前以身為亞裔而感到羞恥）

我花了半輩子在美國為身為亞洲人感到羞 恥。事情的改變由此開始。 Grieving for my grandparents and my culture shifted something inside me. 為祖父母哀吊的過程中觸發了我內心對自身文化的一些反思

作者(英)：Allison Lau Guest Writer（客座作家） www.linkedin.com/in/allisonjlau 譯者(中)：Paul T. Wu www.taplink.cc/paultsuyen

（納維耶·洪達爾）

“Your daughter might have to be held back a year. I think she might be retarded.” 「你女兒恐怕要延遲一年了。我想她可能患有智能遲滯。」

My horrified Chinese immigrant parents gasped as my preschool teacher unprofessionally vocalized her concern that I wasn’t singing my nursery rhymes as well as the rest of my peers. 聽到了幼稚園老師為我的擔憂做出了如此 違反職業行為準則的評語，我的父母為此 感到驚訝。當時不只我沒有唱那童謠，其 他的同學也並沒有唱。

“If I advance her to kindergarten, things will have to change at home.” 「倘若我讓她提早上幼稚園，那麼許多家 內事務都必將改曲易調。」 The following year, I began elementary school and started to learn English intensively as Mandarin took a backseat. I began memorizing lyrics of pop songs, boy bands, whatever was going on with Britney Spears, as well as the lineups of MTV, Nickelodeon and the Disney channel just to take part in conversation. But over the years, it became much more than that. 隔年我初入小學，起初由於在家都講中文 的關係而使我開始強化對英語的學習。為 了能參與話題，我不只開始背下諸如許多 流行音樂的歌詞、男孩團體和任何關於小 甜甜布萊尼的一切八卦，還有跟音樂頻 道、尼克兒童頻道和迪士尼頻道裡相關的 所有出演陣容。但幾年後，事情演變的比 以往更加複雜。 There is a private hell that comes with being a first-generation kid. Growing up smack dab in the heart of Silicon Valley, California, my small suburban town — San Carlos — was predominantly Caucasian, nearly 80% to be exact. From first through fifth grade, each day was a marathon as I sat through classes with my peers and attended supplemental speech therapy — primarily to learn the “th” phonetic — which was nonexistent in Mandarin.

初代移民者的孩子都會有一些事情是他們 寧死也不會想去經歷的。生長在一個均為 白人的加州矽谷的最中心地帶，一個名叫 「聖卡洛斯」的郊區小鎮裡，擁有將近百 分之八十的白種人。從小學一到五年級， 我每天在學校裡過著跑馬拉松似的日子在 學習，以及參加口說正音班去針對我發不 出[ð]的音節──即在華語裡沒有的音。 “Th-uh, not suh. Though, not zough. Then, not zen.” I’d repeat these hundreds of times a day like my life depended on it. 是唸「Th-uh」而不是唸「suh」。是 「Though」而不是「zough」。是 「Then」而不是「zen」。我會一直不斷 的重複這些生詞，仿佛我是在為這些生詞 而活似的。 While most of my classmates ended their days with sports or dance, I went home to repeat everything with my mother and teach her vocabulary that she didn’t already know. I’d build more and more confidence to speak, but then every so often I’d watch in horror as a classmate would mockingly pull the corners of their eyes and felt all my progress unravel. 當大部分的同學放學後各自都去運動和跳 舞時，我必須回家去重複那些練過的生 詞，並且還得教我母親那些她不懂的單 詞。當我已經開始在講話上建立好了信 心，然而卻往往會因為同學的恥笑── 對著我將眼睛往上拉扯──而感到意志消 沉。

“While most of my classmates ended their days with sports or dance, I went home to repeat everything with my mother and teach her vocabulary that she didn’t already know.” 「當大部分的同學放學後各自都去運動和 跳舞時，我必須回家去重複那些練過的生

詞，然後還得教我母親那些她不認識的單 詞。」

進了一個絕域之地，再從裡頭完善地被送 回到了現實生活中的家。

In grade school, I would stockpile brown paper bags from crafting classes to hide the bright pink “Thank You” bags in when my mom would pack my delicious, but “fragrant” homemade lunches. In addition to learning coursework, speech and English, I’d quietly observe the mannerisms of my peers. And whether it was slang, comedic timing or how to be a good friend, I became obsessed with the unabashed personalities of my gregarious classmates as I remained in my private quarters and bonded with the more compassionate wallflowers.

At night, after homework assignments and reconstructed lessons, my family and I gathered around the TV in crazed anticipation of our trashy Chinese soap operas that all seemed to feature some variation of a doeeyed protagonist, caught in the center of an agonizing love triangle with two mediocre men. I’d then fall asleep in my mom’s arms as she read me stories about karma, reincarnation and the importance of living a purposeful and altruistic life.

在小學時，我會拿上工藝課用的咖啡色紙 袋來遮擋我母親給我準備的粉紅色午餐 袋，上面不但寫著「謝謝你」，而且還散 發著一股「香味」。除了學校主要課程， 對於口說和英文我也會靜靜地觀察著同學 們的說話方式。不論是日常俚俗用語，還 是對幽默節奏的掌握，又或者是關於如何 做個好朋友，我是又癡迷於那些天真爛漫 及善於交際的同學們，同時又依然宅在寢 室裡與一群和善內向的壁花們結識。 Some days when the pressure felt too immense, I’d keep my head down without uttering a word and count the hours until I was able to free myself of all speculation, bullying and conformity. And as soon as my mom or dad picked me up, I stepped into a portal — greeted by melodic, sentimental Chinese pop songs blaring out of the car like an ice cream truck — that transported me far away and returned me back to the little rituals that managed to remain intact at home. 某些時候當我處在極度壓力下，我會將頭 擺低，一言不語，並開始算起時間來，使 自己擺脫於所有基於猜測、霸凌和從眾心 理的負面情緒。當父母親來校接我時，開 著一部充滿著華人流行音樂旋律的車，極 像台冰淇淋卡車。那種感受彷佛自己被送

傍晚時完成作業並溫習完功課後，家人和 我會迫不及待地聚在客廳內，等著看那些 百無聊賴的華語肥皂劇。劇中總是圍繞著 關於一個有著一雙迷離電眼的女主角與兩 個貌不驚人的男子所發展出的三角戀。我 會躺在母親的腿上，邊聽她述說故事邊睡 著。故事都是關於因果報應、輪回、人生 的意義、價值及其重要性。

“When friends came over, I swapped my Mahjong tiles with unsuspecting Monopoly and Candyland centerpieces.” 「當朋友來家做客時，我會把一整排的麻 將都收起來，巧妙地換上大富翁和糖果樂 園的桌遊。」 But when friends came over, I manically expunged my room of all items indicative of culture like it was a crime scene. I pulled out my bin of Disney princess dolls and crammed Totoro and Hello Kitty into the darkest depths of my closet, praying that Toy Story wasn’t based on a true story. Goosebumps, Nancy Drew, Lemony Snicket, and multiple volumes of Harry Potter inconspicuously hid my collection of translated Buddhist fables.

Mahjong tiles were swapped out with unsuspecting Monopoly and Candyland centerpieces.

然而，朋友來到家裡做客時，我就把所有 能代表文化的物品一概移除，猶如房內成 了犯罪現場的感覺。我把一籃的迪士尼公 主公仔都取出，再將龍貓和凱蒂貓塞進最 暗的衣櫥角落裡，祈禱它們別像玩具總動 員那樣自己跑出來。《雞皮疙瘩》系列小 說、少女偵探《南茜朱爾》系列小說、雷 蒙斯尼奇的冒險小說和哈利波特系列的小 說等，該書籍都替我擋住了那些我所收集 的英文版佛教寓言故事書。麻將牌被巧妙 地換成了大富翁和糖果樂園。

“I became queen of the double life.” 「我開始過起了兩種完全互異的人格的生 活。」 Slowly but surely, after years of engineering a convincing image, I found my own voice and finally felt like I had my footing to interject in conversations without social anxiety. The feeling of making my classmates laugh at something other than my accent or accidental responses in Mandarin became my fuel for developing my American identity, but in turn, caused me to rapidly neglect and erase my cultural heritage. 時間慢悠悠地，這種積年累月下來存在的 矯揉造作的風格使我尋到了一塊立足之 地，並最終讓我能毫不擔憂地與他人進行 社交。除了自身的口音和不經意地會說出 中文字之外，逗同學發笑的感覺成了我發 展自我認同感的一個動力──即作為一名 美國人。然而與此同時，這也使我快速失 去和忽略了自我根源認同感。 Over the years, I found snappy comebacks to the dreaded, “Where are you from, where are you really from?” question; “my mother’s womb” was my favorite and evoked the most eye rolls — but I never failed to realize that I would always be seen as an Asian female before being known for my character, personality, or anything else. At some point,

after years of conditioning, my Asian identity became an afterthought as I feigned a sickeningly-perfect valley girl accent and proved to myself that my California-girl identity could successfully take the helm. 多年以來，我學會了使用一些敷衍的回答 技巧以用來針對那令我反感的問題：「你 是從哪裡來的？你到底是從哪來的？」我 會說：「從我媽子宮出來的」並且翻個白 眼以作為不屑。然而，我卻沒意識到在別 人對我的背景有所瞭解前，怎麼樣我都只 會被看作為一名亞洲女人。經過多年的熏 陶，我對自我認同感在某方面開始了一種 反思性的思考，特別是當我裝出一口既做 作又逼真的山谷女孩式的腔調時，那仿佛 是證明了自己作為正牌加州女孩的形象標 志。 In my mind, this path of assimilation was what my parents had been pushing me toward ever since my education took a turn when I was 5.

They never recognized their actions, or mine, to be motivated by shame, but rather, it was the drive to succeed — and assimilating was what it took. I grew to love this version of myself and took pride in being surrounded by American friends while still having a soft spot and deep understanding of the immigrant narrative. 在我內心，這條文化融入的道路正是從我 五歲入學時開始起的。我認為那是我父母 親在當時對我所造成的影響。他們從不承 認這些行為都是由於感到羞恥而做出來的 行徑。反之，這些行為全都成為了我成功 融入當地文化的一個動力。我成長於喜歡 這種版本的自己，並且驕傲於圍繞在一群 白人朋友間，同時依然對移民敘事情有獨 鍾且也百般理解。 In college, speaking Mandarin became so rare that it was like pulling out a magic trick if my friends and I happened to be dining somewhere I could place orders or specify dietary restrictions in my native tongue. But

even then, oftentimes servers would come running to my rescue — forks in hand — when they saw noodles landing in my lap from how poorly I attempted to use chopsticks. To some extent, I enjoyed straddling the line of gray area to avoid being grouped into any archetype — confusion was my greatest preventative measure for avoiding racist stereotypes.

我逐漸意識到自己其實根本不屬於東西方 的任一方，這成了我作為第一代美國人感 到最困惑的地方。在我生長的地區裡，與 朋友一並乍看之下我就是那個擁有異國背 景的人，而在我父母的國家裡──台灣， 我看起來和感覺都格格不入，充其量就只 是一個會說國語的六歲孩童。

在大學，講中文成了一種很不常見的行 為。因此當我和朋友一起吃飯時，我用母 語點餐並且能敘述自己的餐點裡應該放與 不放些什麼，這對他們來說就像是在變魔 法一樣的驚奇。但是即使那樣，由於我嘗 試使用筷子的能力極差，以至不經意地會 將麵條落在我的腿上，而當服務生看到該 狀況時，便會手持叉子上前趕來營救。某 種程度上來說，我喜歡立於中庸狀態之上 去避免讓人感到我是屬於該典型的亞裔族 群──即刻意裝傻來做為防範種族歧視與 民族刻板印象的手段。

The longing for relatability became most reflected in my love life, of all places. Whether coincidental or an inadvertent pattern, most of the people I’ve dated in my 20s have either been immigrants or first gens with backgrounds differing from my own. I’ve found that the comfort of being with someone who intimately understands the clash of cultures makes me feel less alone on my journey, and learning about new backgrounds also provides the challenge to acknowledge and embrace differences. Of all the things that’ve stemmed from this valuable experience, I’ve come to truly understand the depths of identity and the way it’s had a role in shaping each person I’ve met.

“In college, speaking Mandarin became so rare that it was like pulling out a magic trick if my friends and I happened to be dining somewhere I could place orders or specify dietary restrictions in my native tongue.” 「在大學，講中文成了一種很不常見的行 為。因此當我和朋友一起吃飯時，我用母 語點餐並且能敘述自己的餐點裡應該放與 不放些什麼，這對他們來說就像是我在變 魔術一樣的驚奇。」 I grew to realize that no part of me fit either identity quite correctly though, and that’s what’s become the most difficult aspect of being first-generation American. Among my friends in my hometown, I stood out as having foreign origins that needed constant explaining, and in Taiwan — my parents’ native country — I looked and felt out of place and spoke Mandarin as well as a 6-yearold, at best.

在一份親密關係裡所持有的共鳴性，是我 所渴求的。而那份渴求竟是在我的戀愛生 活中得到了最充分的體現。儘管是否為巧 合還是偶然，大部分在我二十多歲時所交 往過的對象幾乎不是移民者要不就是與我 有相異文化背景的第一代。我發現與一個 對文化衝突有深刻瞭解的人在一起的那種 舒適感可讓我在自己的人生旅途中不感到 孤獨。同時去學習瞭解新背景，也能挑戰 自己對不同事物有所認知與包容。在來自 於這種寶貴經驗的種種經歷裡，我完全瞭 解了對於認同感那所謂的深度，以及它在 塑造我認識的每個人中所起的作用。 Though my parents made it a point for us to visit Taiwan as a family every couple of years, I lost connection with my cultural roots.

Through the remainder of high school, undergrad, masters, and entry into my career, it became less of a priority to see my family abroad.

儘管家人為了讓我在自我認同感上有所體 會，每隔幾年都會因此而帶我回台，我最 終仍然還是失去了自己的文化根源。剩下 來的時間裡──高中、大學、碩士及入職 生涯──就沒多少機會回台探親了。 Then this past February, I intended to go back to Taiwan to visit my grandfather, but he died exactly one month before my arrival. When I finally made my way to Taiwan, I felt the overwhelming weight of everyone I had lost (my aunt, my grandparents) and brokenheartedly experienced my first trip back without them. Visiting their home — where I had spent so much of my younger years — struck the fault line of guilt, shame and sadness that I had been suppressing for years. 就在今年二月份時，我有意想回台灣去探 望祖父，然而他卻於我回台前的一個月與 世長辭。當我終於回到台灣時，對於失去 了姑母和祖父母我感到極大沉重，並經歷 了一次沒有他們在我生命中的探親之旅， 使我倍感自責、羞愧與哀傷。由於兒時和 他們相處過一段時間，因此這種失去親人 的感覺壓抑在我內心裡甚多年。

As I made my way into the living room and sat in my grandpa’s cushioned armchair, I remembered him sipping tea and telling me his favorite stories about my mother in her younger years. In their old rooms — now used for storage — I recalled memories where I’d perch on their laps as they’d dote on me and shove little pouches of milk candies and pineapple cakes into my pockets before my mom could confiscate them. In all of their display cabinets were two decades worth of washed-out photos of me and my siblings, reminding them of the love they had for us that spanned across time and oceans. 當我走入客廳，坐在祖父的軟墊扶手椅上 時，我想起了他邊喝茶邊講述關於母親的 一些他最愛的青春往事。在他們的老房間 內──現用為儲藏室，我記得一段回憶是 我會臥在他們的腿上，被他們呵護著，然 後他們會在我母親沒收之前先將一小袋牛 奶糖和鳳梨酥塞進我口袋裡。在他們所有 的展示櫃內置放著二十多年的褪色照片， 都是關於我和我的兄弟姐妹。那使他們感 受到他們對我們那份超越了時空和距離的 親情之愛。

I stared at the lifeless kitchen where my grandma once filled with her vibrance as she would stand for hours on end—intuitively selecting seasonings, stirring savory stews while gently handling decadent desserts and chopping vegetables with such swift precision — it was like watching a one-woman gourmet symphony in flow. Her flavorful meals became the foundations of my mother’s arsenal of recipes. 我盯著那廚房看，感受那缺乏了生氣的廚 房。那是一個曾凝聚著祖母的生氣的一間 廚房。她老人家會站在那邊數小時，一邊 構思要使用哪種香料，一邊攪拌著可口美 味的燉肉，同時又會輕巧的端出一些香濃 可口的甜點，並以疾如風的速度切菜，猶 如一場一位女性的個人美味交響曲。她所 做的美味佳餚奠定了日後我母親秘密食材 庫的基礎。

On my last day in Taiwan, we journeyed through lush forests of the rolling Yang Ming mountains carrying bundles of incense, flowers and fruits to honor my grandparents.

“Mom, dad, we’re here to see you — Alliey’s here to see you,” my mother announced with tears streaming down her face as she lit each bundle. With a flood of emotions and the stings of incense evaporating into thin

mountain air, I dropped to her side completely lost in my grief. 在台灣的最後一天，我們帶著一束香、鮮 花和水果，穿進綿延起伏的茂密陽明山森 林，來紀念我的祖父母。「爸媽我們來看 您了，Alliey 來看您了」──我母親邊說 邊點香，淚水就從眼眶流至臉頰。空中參 雜的香味與目光所見的一切，一股情緒排 山倒海而來，使我潸然淚下。我傾向著我 母親完全失控於悲傷中。 As much as I longed for my grandparents, their absence and this shared time with my parents was the deepest reminder that I came from a culture that was not to be forgotten. 就我眼前所見的一切以及祖父母已不在人 世的事實，如同我渴望我的祖父母，皆深 深地提醒了我是來自於那無法被遺忘的文 化根源。 I still wonder what took me so long to return to Taiwan. Was there really no point in the last 15 years that I could’ve taken a week to see my family? The glaring answer that I couldn’t lie to myself about any longer was that for years I associated my cultural background with shame and the antithesis of acclimating to American culture. I couldn’t understand then that preserving my cultural identity didn’t automatically equate to the impediment of being a normal American girl.

In my decision to divide the two, I allowed judgment to rule my life for so many years, and consequently all of my decisions were made out of fear instead of love. 我仍想到底為何那麼久才讓我回到台灣。 難道在過去的十五年裡沒有讓我可以回台 探親的理由嗎？我無法再自欺欺人，因為 很明顯答案就是由於我多年將自己的文化 根源與羞恥連在一起，和由於適應美國文 化的分歧而走上對立面。我當時無法理解 一件事，那就是保留文化認同並沒有與做 為一名正常的美國女孩產生任何衝突。在

我把兩者做區分的時候，我讓旁人的評語 掌控了我多年的生活，並且最後得到的結 果都是源自於恐懼而非出自於親情。 Instead of deflecting questions now, I take every opportunity to explain any component of my culture to anyone who takes an interest, but more importantly, I make the effort to ask my family about their past experiences and the way immigrating shaped their identity. In so many ways, it is all a way for me to reacquaint myself with parts that I left behind and confidently move forward to define — for the first time — what being Asian American really means to me. It took me half my life to overcome this perception of shame and find a way to honor and celebrate my heritage, but in this journey, I know I will be able to continue this beautiful path to reconnection for the remainder of my life. 現在與其要轉換問題，我不如利用所有的 機會去解釋有關於我文化的任何一部分， 去給任何有興趣想知道的人。然而更重要 的是，我會很努力的詢問家人關於他們之 前所有過的經驗以及移民過程對他們所塑 造出的認同感。在很多方面，這是我保留 下來作為重新認識自己的一部分，並自信 地向前跨出第一步，首次定義做為亞裔美 國人對我的真正涵義的一種方式。我花了 半輩子去克服了這種羞恥感，並找到一種 方式來愛戴和慶祝我自己的文化。然而在 該心路歷程中，我知道我將於有生之年會 繼續地走完這條美麗的人生旅途。

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