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The Boomerang | Summer 2022
Don't Look Back in Anger by Monserrat Martinez Medellin When all graduating students were informed we would need to provide baby pictures for the commencement ceremony, I immediateO\ IHOW« FRQÀLFWHG %DVKIXOQHVV DQG DQ[LHW\ intertwined with nostalgia. I did not care ZKHWKHU WKH SLFWXUHV ZRXOG VKRZ \HDU ROG PH XJO\ FU\LQJ RU ZHDULQJ ULGLFXORXV RXW¿WV But still, I felt a tinge of embarrassment, and looked back to realize that I had rarely shown those kinds of pictures to my close friends.
PLGWHUPV DQG ¿QDOV ZKHQ HYHU\RQH¶V QRVHV are stuck in a book and you can feel your eyesight deteriorating amidst the bright lights in Voltaire.
I reminisced a lot when looking at these pictures. I thought about the cramped apartment we lived in before we moved into my childhood home, about that particular vacation to the beach, and about the featuring relatives who have since passed away. Seeing that younger version of myself made me feel melancholic. I pictured her standing next to me, as if she were a person completely separate from myself. As strange as it may sound, I felt envious of how peaceful and content she looked in the pictures. She wouldn’t have to worry about DFDGHPLFV DQG EXGJHWLQJ IRU DQRWKHU years. She also hadn’t experienced the same solitude and grief as 20-something-year-old me had. I felt remorseful for resenting her over all the distress she hadn’t experienced. , UHPHPEHU WKH ¿UVW ZHHN RI XQLYHUVLW\ EHfore lectures started, when our concerns were how late we would stay out partying or how we would decorate our rooms. It’s so enticing to unearth those memories during
your needs and restricting your social life become easier once you adopt a punitive attitude toward who you perceive to be culpable — yourself, and any human fault you may have been taught to scourge. So when I looked at my wide-eyed toddler self in the pictures, I thought of that: of every degrading comment I had directed toward myself. If she were standing in front of me, would I be able to call her all the insults I had called myself? It took a while to get out of that weird funk. I recognize that it is incredibly hard to disassociate your self-worth from your con-
At the same time, we should recognize the value in appreciating blissful moments whenever we experience them, completely as they are. It’s a process of self-forgiveness and self-care, of allowing ourselves to bask in our happiness not because we have exhaustively worked to earn it, but because we intrinsically deserve to feel at peace without there being any caveats. With the semester ending and giving way to a promising summer, I encourage anyone to welcome a compassionate version of themselves as they learn to let go of the critical, deprecating one they might’ve internalized over the years. Easier said than done, but cut yourself some slack. And if not for me, do it for the wideeyed, chubby-cheeked toddler version of yourself staring back at you next time you’re browsing through old photographs.
Illustration © Monserrat Martinez Medellin
tribution to your community or academic performance. It is even harder when the expectations of your family and friends are at play, too. What I can tell you is that it is one of the most compassionate acts to rejoice in 'XULQJ WKHVH VWUHVV ¿OOHG WLPHV LW EHFDPH others’ success, but you owe it to yourself to second-nature to penalize myself over what celebrate your growth and accomplishments I perceived to be failures. It became so easy as well. to call myself ‘stupid’ when I embarrassed myself in a social setting, or to intentionally Fostering self-kindness in the process of deexacerbate the culpability I felt whenever I taching yourself from a system that simulI texted my mom for her help, and she quickly prioritized rest over productivity. Was deny- taneously nurtures your skills and the comVHQW PH ¿YH GL̆HUHQW VFDQQHG SKRWRJUDSKV ing myself the right to eat dinner really an pulsion to discredit them can be extremely In one, I must be around three years old, DGHTXDWH SXQLVKPHQW IRU P\ LQDELOLW\ WR ¿Q- rewarding. Feeling like you’re falling behind showing the proudest of smiles as I climb ish a PowerPoint presentation? Neglecting is not unthinkable in a place where virtualover a couch. Another one shows ly every other student is thriving me sneakily trying to eat a chocolate amongst friends or helming 37 bar and getting caught in the act. committee events. 2Q D GL̆HUHQW RQH , DP VLWWLQJ RQ D IHQFH ÀDXQWLQJ D SDLU RI RYHUVL]HG To success-driven people, like so khaki shorts, tropical scenery in the many of us, feelings of inferiority background. are disorienting. But sometimes, as comedian Conan O’Brien said In all of the baby pictures, I quickin his Dartmouth graduation adly observed a few things: one, my dress, “it is our failure to become wardrobe displayed striking 2000s our perceived ideal that ultimateLQÀXHQFHV WKDW , DVSLUH WR UHFUHDWH O\ GH¿QHV XV :KLOH LW ZRXOG EH today. Two, my parents had an unideal to be able to rock a mullet canny fascination with cutting my instead of a bowlcut, maybe the hair into a bowlcut. Three, I look the PXOOHW VLPSO\ LVQ¶W PHDQW WR EH« happiest I have ever been. and that is okay.
