8
MUET 21 JUNE 2017
Essay by EVONNE MOK LI SUAN, 19
Tunku Abdul Rahman University College, Kuala Lumpur
INTRODUCTION
STUDENT ESSAY AND TEACHER ANALYSIS
WINNING ENTRY RM50
Essay title: Social media has become a weapon for cybercriminals to find and exploit their potential victims. Do you agree with this statement? Discuss.
Information technology has evolved and developed tremendously throughout the past decade which represents a significant breakthrough in the history of human. The usage of Internet use is so widespread that it has become a necessity to almost everyone. Scenes of people chatting, messaging or surfing the Internet using electronic gadgets such as mobile phones, tablets and laptops are not uncommon very common. Other than enjoying the basic functions of contacting family and friends, people are also fond of using social media. Social media is very useful to human beings but on the other hand, it comes with a lot of risks hidden as it provides a place for cybercrimes to happen. I strongly agree that social media has become a weapon for cybercriminals to seek and exploit unsuspecting victims.
BODY
It might be better if the introductory sentences can directly address the issue at hand, which is social media becoming a weapon for cybercriminals.
This sentence is not very clear.
A good, clear stand but the introductory paragraph can be improved by having a thesis statement that incorporates all of your main points.
First and foremost, the personal data of social media users risk being hacked and leaked. To register for a social media account such as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, the user has to provide personal information like his email address and contact number. Those Users who use simple passwords for their social media accounts are the ones who are most likely to be victims. There could also be a virus attacking Viruses may attack users’ computers where anti-virus software was is not installed. It happens This may happen when an unknown application was being is downloaded. Users who use public Wi-Fi to log into their accounts run the risk of being hacked, as well. Hackers might hack into social media users’ accounts to get personal information for illegal purposes. The leaked information may cause trouble and danger to the users. For instance, the WannaCry ransomware recently invaded many countries and threatened computer users from all over the world is one of the software that attack users’ computers. Such software usually exists in various forms so they are unnoticeable.
The topic sentence for this paragraph can be significantly improved if there is a direct link to the topic. For example, how do the cybercriminals inflict harm on social media users by hacking or leaking their personal data?
Furthermore, the usage of social media use is a worldwide phenomenon and people can communicate freely and unhindered with each other. There are so many functions being featured in social media applications such as photo and video sharing and even broadcasting live broadcasting. Anyone can have access to those shared information unless the user sets his privacy settings and only allows those who are his friends or followers to view the content. Unfortunately, not many of them are aware of the importance of this action. Some parents like to share photos and details about their children such as which schools they are studying at and which tuition centres they are attending. It is very risky to expose one’s location or schedule on the Internet. The fact that human trafficking syndicates or kidnappers are targeting those who share personal lives of themselves and their family members on social media is undeniable. What makes it worse is that people can share one’s photo or video and make it viral just by a touch of their fingertip.
The topic sentence should deal with the central issue right away.
In addition, there are a lot of many conmen and syndicates who use using social media to prey on unsuspecting victims. For instance, they target people and add them as friends on Facebook. They chat with their targeted victims and gain their trust gradually. Most of them are sweet talkers and the victims are likely to fall into their trap. Once the relationship has stabilised, the syndicate will start creating some excuses to extract money from the victims. They might ask them to pay some fees in order to get a parcel filled with presents from overseas or “seek some help” from the victims stating that they have some financial problems. If the victims refuse to pay, the syndicate will show their true colours and worse comes to worst, they may resort to blackmailing. Some syndicates use clickbait such as pop-ups or advertisements stating that the users will get lucrative prizes if they are able to answer a few simple questions. Most of them exploit the victims’ greediness, gullibility and sympathy to their own benefit.
Good support provided for the main point here. However, the topic sentence can be improved by making it more specific. The example given can be incorporated into the topic sentence for better effect.
CONCLUSION
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Review by MAWAR MUSTAFA
In conclusion, social media has a lot of many advantages yet it has begun to turn into become a tool for cybercriminals to commit various cybercrimes. Cybercriminals have become more sophisticated in committing their crimes. It is a global issue that demands the attention of every social media user. Social media users must keep themselves safe. The government must take drastic actions against those cybercriminals to stop cybercrimes from happening and in the meantime, raise the public’s awareness. Actions such as downloading anti-virus software and updating one’s computer system into with the latest version could keep the user’s personal computer more secured secure. If all parties are willing to pay more attention to this issue, the cybercrime rate can certainly be contained to a large extent.
This paragraph is full of generalisations and lack specific details. For example, what exactly are the “illegal purposes”? “The leaked information may cause trouble and danger to the owners.” What sort of trouble are you referring to here? Provide specific information here and link it directly to the topic.
This could be placed at the start of the paragraph. It would function better as the topic sentence.
This is a good way to conclude the essay – by offering some solutions to the problem. The conclusion can be vastly improved, by adding in a restatement of your stand and a recapping of all your main points.
Overall feedback: On the whole, it is a good effort from the writer to address the topic. However, at 770 words, the essay is a little too long. There are also too many general statements throughout the essay. These should be supported with specific details. There is room for improvement with regard to the organisation of the essay.