Page 1

8

MUET 17MAY 2017

Essay by GERALDINE ANN NATHAN, 19 Kolej Tingkatan Enam Sri Istana, Klang, Selangor

STUDENT ESSAY AND TEACHER ANALYSIS

WINNING ENTRY RM75

Essay title: Illegal racing among teenagers is a result of poor parental control and supervision. Discuss.

INTRODUCTION The phrase “ride or die“ has now become a popular saying among some teenagers of this 21st century. Well-known movies such as Street Racer and Fast and Furious have further coaxed influenced teens to perceive that activities such as illegal racing is are not that big of a deal. However, it is crucial that we dictate identify the sources that have become the a major influence to our youths engaging in such activities. Currently, many people are still stuck on the debate Many have debated on whether or not the a lack of parental control and supervision is the main factor contributing to the increasing statistics of illegal racing among our teens today. I, for one, would agree that poor parental control and supervision does play an important role in causing this issue. BODY First and foremost, when parents lack control and supervision, they fail to discipline their children. First and foremost, when parents lack control and supervision over their children, they may not be able to discipline them. We’ve We have heard the popular saying before, “spare the rod and spoil the child“. A regular parent would take actions which are necessary action when their children throw tantrums, and this includes punishing their children or even confiscating items like their mobile phones if the situation calls for drastic measures. However, a lenient parent would not pay much attention when their his children cause throw a fit because they he may think that punishments do not really matter. Parents like these who fail to take tiny steps in making raising their teens into more matured mature individuals would could result in them these teens having no sense of discipline at all, even making them rebellious. This leads these teens to feel no remorse or regret whatsoever when they get involved in illegal racing. Teens who come from such family backgrounds may get involved in unhealthy activities such as illegal racing without any remorse or regret. They also choose to ignore the safety of motorists, pedestrians and sadly, their own selves. At the end of the day, they would always may feel victorious and proud of themselves taking part in illegal racing because they feel as though they have achieved something and that no one, not even their legal guardians, have any control of them.

Interesting opening. You have given a scenario, linking the values of teens to the influence of movies.

Besides stating your stand, it is also important to include your thesis statement, or the main ideas that will be discussed in your essay. Your topic sentence sounds as if it is the parents who lack control and supervision. By including the phrase “over their children”, the meaning of your topic sentence becomes clearer.

The use of tentative expressions such as “may” makes your arguments more acceptable than the use of sweeping statements like “This leads these teens to feel no remorse...”. End your paragraph by rephrasing the topic sentence or linking the supporting details to the topic sentence.

Another reason as to why I would agree that insufficient parental control and supervision contribute to illegal racing among teens is because that it develops teens who have too much freedom. I believe that in everyone’s life, regardless of age or gender, there are boundaries that we should not cross. Unfortunately, for teens who that own whose parents that fail to control them adequately they may perceive believe that they do not have boundaries. They think that they can do whatever they want, wherever they want, at whatever time they want because after all “the sky is the limit“. It’s It is tremendously sad that teens like these could freely go out, and race illegally, possibly causing danger to others, as well. If only the parents would realise their roles as guardians and take charge, they could make a difference. For starters, parents could lay down a couple of household rules that should be strongly obeyed by their teens. It should be laid down crystal clear to these teens that they are granted a certain amount of freedom, but whenever they choose to misuse it, for example when they race illegally, they would suffer from face certain consequences.

Good topic sentence

Finally, I also think that lack of parental control and supervision would produce teens who are incapable of making the right choices. You see, not Not every teen is highly capable of maintaining good grades and being super athletic whilst while also having a good social crowd to mingle around with. Why is it so? Personally, I think that many, If many teens fail to make wise and appropriate decisions regarding their lives, What what more teens with parents that who poorly control and supervise them? It’s It is normal for hormone-raged adolescents, especially after puberty, to be curious about trying new things and to always attempt to please their own crowd of friends. However, as a teen matures, he or she should be more responsible and wise in choosing between right and wrong. For teens who lack parental control, they would be quite indecisive in making decisions. The minute a friend who may be a bad influence proposes an idea such as illegal racing, this specific teen these teens would fail to think for himself themselves the pros and the cons of him getting involved in that activity. At the spur of the moment, he they may feel like it is the right thing to do. and due to his parents who have not controlled him much, Having always been given the freedom to do whatever they fancy, they he may proceed to do whatever that makes him them happy. And so, this poor boy engages they engage in illegal racing and finds treat it as an escape mechanism for him from his their hectic, teenage life.

The topic sentence is stated clearly. However, the next sentence should explain or elaborate your point.

CONCLUSION In conclusion, I strongly believe that the involvement of teens in illegal racing is primarily caused by the lack of their parents’ control and supervision. As the quote goes, “Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands”. Thus, parents should do whatever possible to ensure that their teens are brought up well, with proper and sufficient parental control. However, in the end This will definitely help every teen has to make up his or her mind as to whether or not they he wants to change themselves himself for the better and refrain from illegal racing despite how tempting and captivating it may seem.

“Ann Thomas contributed this analysis in her personal capacity. The views and comments expressed therein do not represent the views and comments of Star Media Group Berhad (“STAR”). STAR makes no representations as to the accuracy, correctness, completeness, suitability and/or validity of any information contained in this analysis and readers are strongly encouraged to seek appropriate advice before relying on any information provided herein.”

Review by ANN THOMAS

Overall feedback: On the whole, it is a well-discussed essay. The organisation of the essay is clear and logical. The use of varied vocabulary is a plus point. Most of the discussion is relevant to the task.

There should be a concluding sentence, linking to the topic sentence.

Every paragraph needs a concluding statement. For example: Therefore, teaching teens to make good choices in life is part of good parental supervision. Parents who fail to do this are simply pushing their children into making risky choices. When you quote someone, you must include the source of your quote. Remember to sum up the ideas discussed in your essay in your conclusion. The last sentence should be a “wrap-up” statement that is strong and effective.

Profile for thestar

May 17 2017  

Earn Your Band 6-Student Essay And Teacher Analysis

May 17 2017  

Earn Your Band 6-Student Essay And Teacher Analysis

Profile for tsol.edu