8
MUET 8 MARCH 2017
Essay by QUAH CHUN MENG, 18 Kolej Tingkatan Enam Sri Istana, Klang, Selangor
STUDENT ESSAY AND TEACHER ANALYSIS
WINNING ENTRY RM75
Essay title: Selfies have become increasingly popular. However, they are also a cause for concern. What is your opinion?
“V.M. NARENDRAN contributed this analysis in her personal capacity. The views and comments expressed therein do not represent the views and comments of Star Media Group Berhad (“STAR”). STAR makes no representations as to the accuracy, correctness, completeness, suitability and/or validity of any information contained in this analysis and readers are strongly encouraged to seek appropriate advice before relying on any information provided herein.”
INTRODUCTION What do Barack Obama, Kim Kardashian and a macaque have in common? They have all taken selfies! According to Wikipedia, a selfie is “a self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a digital camera or camera phone held in the hand or supported by a selfie stick”. These flattering, casual images are often shared on social media sites such as Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. In recent times, selfies have grown on people of from all walks of life, so much so that in 2013, the word “selfie” was enthroned as “word of the year” Word of the Year by the Oxford English Dictionary. But selfie is taking selfies is not always a good thing. It is only a matter of time before selfie it rears its ugly head in the form of narcissism and conceit, cyberbullying and trolling, as well as serious life risks.
BODY To begin with, selfie breeds selfies breed vanity and boastfulness among its photographers. Many people, if not all, take selfies of the delicious sushi they had over lunch or the stunning dress in the dressing room primarily to brag about what brilliant lives they are living and how appealing they are. Some selfie-takers try very hard to put on a pleasant and cheerful façade in their selfies while others even go the lengths go to great lengths to edit and touch up their selfies before displaying them in on social media. It comes to a point where they feel like some Hollywood celebrity, and expect a large following and tonnes tons of “likes” for their selfies from their social circle. And to keep up with the Joneses, they may not hesitate to pay through the nose to dine in posh restaurants or go to famous landmarks abroad in pursuit of that awe-worthy selfie. For ladies, the their obsession of one’s with selfimage may push one them into the dark ravine of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, in order to maintain the illusional “perfect” body shape. All of these would be detrimental to one’s their finance, emotions, and health down the road.
Review by V.M NARENDRAN Although the mention of a former US president and a reality star is interesting, putting them in the same category as a monkey was not in good taste. (Obama and Kardashian may have taken their own images but the macaque’s was accidental!) Nevertheless, an attempt has been made with regard to the introduction of “selfies”. Instead of the reference to Wikipedia, it would have been better if the definition of selfie had been taken from Oxford English Dictionary. Are all images “flattering and casual”? Does this mean that selfies have not reared their ugly heads yet? Thesis statement: What is your opinion? It would have been clearer if you had written thus: “I believe that selfies have bred narcissism and conceit, encouraged cyberbullying and trolling, and posed serious life risks.” Topic sentence 1. Links throughout the paragraph are clear in keeping to the main idea of conceit: vanity and boastfulness / brag / façade/ expect a large following / tons of “likes” / keep up with the Joneses / awe-worthy selfies / illusional “perfect” body shape. A fairly good paragraph filled with examples, with a concluding sentence.
Furthermore, posting selfies online may result in one becoming a victim of cyberbullies and Internet trolls. As a rule of thumb, it It is never a good idea to reveal anything personal online, including photographs. The Internet is full of haters and rumour-mongers that who derive pleasure from causing trouble to, and making a laughing stock out of, the people they dislike. One infamous troll website is “Encyclopedia Dramatica”; , Wikipedia’s evil twin, in which where almost every article and image is biased, offensive, twisted, and unsourced. Hence, selfies of one’s selfie-takers’ enjoyable moments may be made a mockery of by these Internet trolls who misuse the selfies for defaming others and spreading rumours. Some of these parodies, though completely fake, can go viral among netizens especially if it is they are bizarre, funny and provoking. Such mass mockery can crush the victim’s self-esteem and may lead to depression and suicide. In addition to that, selfies that are revealing and explicit can be elicited by cyberbullies through the hacking of one’s mobile device. With the overt selfies, cyberbullies can blackmail the person and extort a hefty ransom. Therefore, taking or sharing selfies online can turn be used against you by nasty cyberbullies and Internet trolls,.
Topic sentence 2. This point only refers to those who post their selfies online. So, your sentence could begin with: “In some cases, selfies which are posted online become the target of cyberbullies and Internet trolls.” This paragraph stresses on the dangers of selfies, hence the cause for concern. Even if the idea is embedded in the paragraph, it would be good to actually mention it.
On a more serious note, selfies can pose a life hazard if taken to extremes. Of late, many horrifying selfie-related accidents have emerged, involving daredevil selfie enthusiasts who would tread where others dare not to take extraordinary selfies. While they claim to have taken calculated risks in their wild attempts, accidents still happen even in the best regulated families. In Nepal, a truck driver;, who stopped and exited his vehicle to take a selfie with an elephant herd crossing the road;, was attacked and killed by the herd. While in In Washington, USA the United States, a 43-year-old man shot himself in the face in when taking a selfie with his gun. Closer to home, a Universiti Sultan Zainal Abidin student and her mother were killed and 8 eight others injured after taking a selfie while driving along the North-South Expressway. Taking a selfie to send to his boss, a 20-year-old contract worker was hit by a train along the Nilai-Mantin KTMB track. If it were not for the “perfect” selfie, these poor people would not have lost their lives in vain.
Topic sentence 3.
CONCLUSION In short, selfies may serve as a unique form of self-expression but if taken too far, it may do more harm than good. The more selfieobsessed one is, the more vain and ostentatious one grows into. Selfies are also an invitation to Internet trolls and cyberbullies to run amok and taint one’s image in the online community. When taken to extremes without sparing a thought about safety, selfie daredevils can end up in hospital beds with broken bones and fractured limbs, or even in their graves. As with other good things in life, selfie-takers should exercise caution and moderation in their taking and sharing of selfies, to minimise the banes that come with selfies, while still being able to strike a pose! bane that comes with it.
This paragraph is filled with examples.
This is a much better concluding line to the paragraph because of the clearer lead-up.
The concluding paragraph reiterates what has been mentioned earlier on. This sentence would have been more relevant in the earlier paragraph.
Overall feedback on language: The essay reads fairly fluently with good use of conjunctions between paragraphs to link ideas. The student made a few grammatical errors when attempting to use more complex sentences, but they do not mar the intended message.