Music Reviews for Heartbroken, Frustrated Bisexual Men

from Travisty #103 - Spooktober Special

Spooky Simon

Raymond turns over vinyl faster than new lovers in weeks review

We’ve had the entire cultural menagerie here in the Bisexual Culture column of Travisty: books, films, you name it! But this week, we’re taking a musical dive that swings both ways, if you get what I mean. So bust out your leather jackets and turntables. You’re a bisexual man, so face it you’ve got both.

Call Me By Your Name Soundtrack (Sufjan Stevens et al.) 8/10

Our boy Sufjan Stevens helps us in kicking today’s list off. The Call Me By Your Name soundtrack is riddled with catchy songs reminiscent of warm summers beneath the Mediterranean and Spanish dusks the perfect backing soundtrack for raunchy encounters with your fellow male. If you’re able to look past *that* peach scene, you might find yourself going back again and again to the Doveman remix of Futile Devices. Maybe you’re basic like me and just listen to Visions of Gideon on repeat for six hours at a time (coincidentally, the soundtrack to my second (and most gut-wrenching) breakup). Too bad that Armie Hammer eats people now.

points if you hook up with another guy over the sounds of Could Never Be Heaven, which is basically a darker, psychosexual retelling of the Wizard of Oz. As if the original wasn’t horny enough.

AM by the Arctic Monkeys 3/10

What is this toxic bullshit? Did all of the American incels and drunk, closeted homophobe fathers come together to make an album? Absolutely no references to men banging other men, so a lot of marks lost there. Not to mention that Do I Wanna Know and R U Mine are literally the exact same fucking song with the “Misogyny Settings” tweaked from one track to the next. I’ve actually had to play one of these songs live. Fuck my life. Almost made me give up guitar.

Science Fiction by Brand New 10/10

Potentially my favourite album of all time (even beating out Nirvana’s Nevermind, and yes, my close friends and acquaintances will immediately recognise the gravity of that claim), Science Fiction just plain fucking slaps. From songs about Oppenheimer and the atomic bomb to deep sea creatures and extra-terrestrial adversaries, this New Jersey band’s final album has got it all. Bonus

American Idiot by Green Day 8/10

I remember finally thinking being a bisexual man was A -OK once I read that Billie Joe Armstrong took a little from column A and from column B. Here was some guy wearing makeup and selling millions of records. Those of you who knew me in First Year might remember my ill-advised forays into male eyeliner experimentation. Well, fuck it. It was worth it. I dyed my hair black, too. Deal with it.

American Idiot would already qualify for 7/10 even if it was just Armstrong singing Jesus of Suburbia endlessly for 50 minutes. Album closer, Whatsername, cements the notion that we don’t need women at all. Or men, for that matter. Develop an alter ego and commit petty crime is the moral of this concept album’s story. Give it a listen, yesterday.

Led Zeppelin IV by… Led Zeppelin. Obviously. 7.8/10

It’s a well known fact that queer men like Lord of the Rings and heroin. If you can’t relate to that statement, that’s your problem and not mine. Apologies for triggering a crisis of sexuality, but you just don’t count. All bisexual men base their homoerotic outings on the strong, platonic foundation that underpinned Frodo and Sam’s relationship, made EXTRA HOT by the massive power dynamic between them. Well, anyway, Led Zep IV has both Rings and heroin in spades. Get stoned to Black Dog to kick things off, then just trip the fuck out while staring at the ceiling throughout Stairway to Heaven. Maybe you’ll see elves up there or something. Give it a go.

Stranger in the Alps by Phoebe Bridgers 8.5/10 you say, bisexual. and frustrated. But I’m not a man!” Well, don’t worry! Lisa has got you covered with her own list.

Damn, this woman can sing. And write. And play guitar. There’s literally no need to have men around anymore because people like Phoebe and Ellie Rowsell have this whole “music” malarkey wrapped up quite nicely. Bridgers’ debut album demolishes and reconstructs your mind track-by-track, starting strong with Smoke Signals before she just goes full fuck-it and tells her ex-boyfriend what a useless jackass he was on Motion Sickness. To be honest, the entire album makes a good case for giving up on men altogether. I would encourage you to consider the same after all, I have. And I’ve turned out just fine-ish.

It’s that time of year again when the weather is getting colder and you’re back with your nose to the grindstone. October should be a month of festivities and joy with Halloween around the corner, but too often it’s more about breaking up, getting broken up with, getting back with your ex after they drunk called you to say they made a mistake … and so on and so forth. Anyway, what better way to ease the pain of existence than by listening to songs that speak to you on a primal level?

Here are ten song recommendations for the broken-hearted bisexuals amongst us to laugh/cry/drink to.

1. Sorry: Meg Myers

2. Only a Girl: Gia Woods

3. Another Love: Tom Odell