This Week’s Headlines

We prefer the term “Faux News”

46th Annual Pillow Fight cancelled as College paper arrives on Dean’s desk.

Reports have recently come in suggesting that our Dean does indeed read this publication much to the dismay of Travisty’s Writers and Editors who believed they could stir mischief with impunity. A spokesperson for the paper stated, “It would be unwise and irresponsible to attend or attempt the events listed in the last issue unless you are a trained professional like myself”.

Travisty declares independence from Magpie and Stump.

An historic declaration was signed last Wednesday, in which the President of Magpie and Stump conceded the last remnants of their overlordship of the paper. The Comedy Club placed Travisty “under-wing” in 2016. Times have changed since then, and with Magpie’s new leadership finding their feet, the Editors seized the moment to claim sovereignty. With their hands tied, the Stump caved.

Not-at-all-Headless Nigel spotted in the Pierce Hostel.

Scooby Doo and the gang costumes sold out prior to Halloween.

No surprises here! This year, as in every year, ‘Scooby Doo’ outfits have run out city-wide. Last November, costume manufactures promised to increase production; however, stocks have still dried up. “I think it’s a big conspiracy,” one shopper said. “Think about it. If they keep supply low and demand high…”. It is this reporter’s belief that it’s about time people find a fresh way to dress up, because getting five people to wear complementary outfits isn’t really that impressive.

Residents rage as Cambridge Christmas lighting goes up.

“They put them up in OCTOBER!!!”

He’s been there for as long as anyone can remember. They say he got lost one time and couldn’t find the way out. The ‘Lost in Pierce Society’ will hold their annual vigil this Friday.

Travisty Writers angered as Government U-turns ruin well written jokes.

“It’s just not fair! I put time and effort into crafting the perfect Kwarteng joke, and he’s gone before we could publish it”, one writer explained. “At least Truss is assertive that she’ll stay . Which is great ‘cause I got an arsenal waiting for her!”

Cambridge colleges to divest from fossil fuels to protect wine cellars from sea level rise.

“We’ve got the old irrelevant books covered with the Wren. But won’t someone please think of the innocent wine bottles in our cellars?”