Spooky Simon

Dear Simon, My blood ritual invoking the unholy spirit of Baphomet went awry after sacrificing my parents. Am I doing it right? Thanks, Family Therapy.

Dear Family Therapy,

You were clearly adopted. Congratulations! Unfortunately, the ritual only works when biological parents are offered up on the unholy black altar of Satan. Hope this helps.

Dear Simon, The voices in my wall continue to call out to me in my sleep, begging me to unearth their bones in the Fellows’ Garden and finally give their spirits rest. What should I do? Thanks, Sleep Deprived.

Dear Sleep Deprived,

Sounds seriously sp00ky. You’re probably dealing with the ghosts of previous deans. Any expert worth his, her or their salt would tell you that the best way forward is burning sage and ignoring any glowing eyes that seem to appear in the wallpaper every night at the Witching Hour.

Dear Simon, My bedder keeps leaving drawings of pentagrams on my walls. Last week, I even found a severed cat leg in my bed. Are they coming onto me? Thanks, Bedder Bachelor.

Dear Bedder Bachelor, Sadly, no. Your bedder has clearly noticed your Toxic Personality and is trying to slowly exorcise the demons within before you inflict your bullshit on the rest of the year. Try talking less about how many internships you got this summer, and spend less time indoors.

Dear Simon, I’m working on my resume as an up-and-coming horror movie antagonist, but all of my victims continue to flee from me at above walking speed, while I’m obligated to maintain the industry-recommended “creepy walking pace” for cinematic effect. What should I do? Thanks, Jason101.

Dear Jason101,

Don’t worry! Everyone starts out the same way. The key to any good slasher film is dramatic timing. Make sure to disappear at odd times and then (suddenly and inexplicably) reappear in the bathtub or attic without explanation. Take a page out of Scream’s book and buddy-up with a fellow killer; some of the best slasher flicks are actually team efforts. Best of luck!

Dear Simon, I’m working on bending my Supervisor to my will using a classic Binding Spell. Where’s the best place to source virgin blood in Cambridge? Lots of love, Young and Hopeful.

Dear Young and Hopeful,

It should be available on demand from any good physicist or mathmo. Your best bet is to make your way over to the Cavendish or Centre for Mathematical Sciences and going from there.

Dear Simon, Is the Angel Court laundry haunted? Thanks, Head Porter.

Dear Head Porter, Yes.