Issue #11
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Although he has never won the Nobel Peace Prize, 23-year-old Gregory Smith has already been nominated four times, the first time at age 12. Smith is the founder of International Youth Adcovates, an organization that “promotes principles of peace and understanding among your people throughout the world.” He has met with world leaders, Nobel Laureates, and has spoken in front of the United Nations.
THERE is nothing funnier than a dumb criminal. Nothing. Don’t believe us? Consider the recent story of Mario and Domingo, a pair of robbers who threatened to shoot a restaurant owner if he didn’t give them free food. The owner told the two men he was too busy for a robbery, and asked them to come back in an hour. So they did. Unsurprisingly, they ended up in handcuffs. Funny, right? With that in mind, we have compiled a list of 10 absurdly stupid law-breakers for your shameless amusement. There’s a famished banana brandisher, a crazy brave suburban lumberjack and an Amish kid who likes to run stop signs in a horse-drawn carriage. Have a read of our top 10. Just be warned: it would be a crime not to laugh. 1. SLIGHTLY ARMED ‘BATTERY’ The term “outgunned” doesn’t quite do this story justice. Derrick strolled into a discount gun store with a baseball bat, smashed a glass display case and tried to steal a firearm. Yes, he tried to rob a gun shop with a baseball bat. What happened next? The manager pulled out a gun of his own, pointed it at Derrick and kept him in the crosshairs until the police arrived. Don’t be too hard on yourself Derrick. Guns in a gun store? Nobody could have anticipated that. 2. IT’S RAINING IDIOTIC MEN Stupidity in motion. That’s the only way to describe this clip of one wannabe criminal’s botched robbery. Confronted by a locked door, he tries to scale the liquor store’s outside wall, and falls on his backside. Then he tries to drop gracefully into the shop from above, and falls on his backside. After assembling some stolen goods and failing to open the front door from the inside, the burglar tries to jump back through the hole he made in the ceiling, and falls on his backside. Eventually the poor guy just gives up, sits down for a smoke by the door and waits for the cops to show up. 3. WAITRESS HANDED HER OWN STOLEN ID A customer at Applebee’s, an American restaurant,
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handed a waitress her own stolen driver’s license in an attempt to order alcohol. The culprit was a 26-year-old woman, so she didn’t need to use a fake ID to buy her margarita anyway, but we’ll set that aside. Kudos to the waitress, who remained calm, told the customer she was off to get her drink and called the police instead. 4. LOUD GETAWAY DONKEY FOILS ROBBERY Getaway cars are just for the movies. Real criminals use getaway donkeys. A trio of Columbian robbers in the exotic sounding town Juan de Acosta loaded stolen rum, rice, tuna and sardines onto Xavi, a 10-year-old donkey. It was all going to plan, but then the donkey starting “heehawing”. Loudly. The racket alerted police to the robbery and the burglars ran. 5. AMATEUR LUMBERJACK A would-be lumberjack was casually strolling down a suburban street with an axe in hand when he happened across a bike, which was chained around a tree. The axeman wanted to acquire this bike for himself. So he started to chop down the tree, blissfully oblivious to the stares of passers-by. The bemused spectators chased him away several times, but the lumberjack was determined. After a period of about seven minutes, he managed to fell the tree. Unfortunately, the thief was chased away again before he could claim his prize. 6. SLOW REASONING Levi, a 17-year-old Amish youth, ran a stop sign in his “horse and buggy”. We believe it was the latest model. Young Levi then led police on a mile-long, low speed chase before taking a turn too sharply and tipping the carriage on its side. Hollywood could probably make a movie out of the incident, called The Slow and The Furious. Yes, we know what you’re thinking. With a terrible joke like that, “who’s the real criminal here?” Anyway, Levi was charged with “over-driving an animal”, among other offences. Serves him right. What a hoon. 7. MARKS OFF Joey and Matthew concocted an ingenious disguise before trying to break into an apartment. Well,
we use the term “ingenious” very loosely. Matthew and Joey spurned more traditional disguises like masks or balaclavas, instead choosing to draw on their own faces with permanent markers. Here’s the thing about permanent marker. It’s extremely difficult to erase. So when the pair was pulled over by police after the bungled break-in, they were easily recognisable. The stunt earned Joey and Matthew the nickname “dumb and dumber”. 8. MAN DEMANDS SEX REFUND FROM TEEN’S FATHER A man in Stockholm, Sweden was a bit miffed when the 13-year-old girl he’d been courting didn’t show up for an arranged sex meeting. Having met the girl on a dating website, this man deposited an advance payment of 500 kronor, or about 85 Australian dollars, in her bank account before their “date”. When the teen stood him up, the man found her home phone number and called her father to demand a refund. You can imagine how that ended. 9. SIR, DROP THE BANANA John, a 17-year-old from the US state of North Carolina, entered an internet cafe and demanded money, claiming he had a gun hidden under his shirt. The “gun” was actually a banana. The cafe’s owner, along with a customer, restrained John and called the police. John ate the banana while he waited for the cops to arrive. Apparently the police joked about charging the kid with “destroying evidence”. 10. POLICE ARE NOT NOCTURNAL James’s first mistake was to try to break into his own mother’s house. Young James had a go at climbing through the first floor window, then bolted when he was caught. It didn’t help that he conducted the botched raid in broad daylight, but let’s set that aside for a moment, because this story gets much dumber. When police found James hiding in a crawl space near the scene and arrested him, the young man was stunned. James thought he couldn’t be arrested for burglary because it wasn’t night-time.