Volume 19, Number 18
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September 1, 2016
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The Rockford Area’s ONLY Underground Newspaper for Adults Serving the Stateline Area since 1998 Distributed at 200 locations in Illinois and Wisconsin
Letter from the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Jokes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 4 Comics. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 6 Padded Room . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Horoscopes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 10 Advice Column . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 12 Cullen’s Corner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 14 Classifieds. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15 7 Bs Event Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 16 The Music Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18
Vote for THE PAPER ; What Have You Got To Lose?
In the face of national, and even international, consternation over the choices voters in the United States have in the upcoming presidential election, Editor and Publisher of THE PAPER Kevin Cole has announced his candidacy for president, to provide an option to what citizens are calling “inept choices” for the leader of the free world.
Cole, who has been the editor and publisher of THE PAPER for approximately six months, said he can be “counted among the majority of the American population who are fed up with a system that produces corrupt and/or inept candidates for the highest office in the land.”
However, Cole said that was an unfounded rumor that naysayers put out to try to get him in financial trouble for taking untaxed donations.
The local presidential candidate said he could do at least as good as a job as either of the two major party candidates and that those voting for either In his announcement throwing his hat into the ring Trump of Clinton “might as well be casting a vote In a press conference on Wednesday, August 31, for the position of U.S. president, Cole said he for Cthulhu to be the nation’s dark overlord.” Cole, perhaps mocking Trump’s statement to Afri- would be self-funding his campaign, along with Supporters at the press conference said they would can Americans asked, “What have you got to assistance from THE PAPER, although he report- be holding rallies at a variety of local pubs in the lose?” edly mentioned privately he would be taking cash Continued on Page 9... donations. needed money because he was behind on his Fools in the News ‘He church’s rent,” Police Seargent Josh Wages re-
ited up the cake after seeing so much blood.
who formerly ran a Nazarene church, was able to Woman Wanted for Dog Dildo post $6,000 cash bail to be released the next Debauchery Charges day. It seems he didn’t need the money as badly Cathy Tinkham from Boise, Idaho, is facing as he professed.. criminal charges for lewd behavior after giving her poodle sex toys as chew things. Woman Whacks Good Samaritan “That dog would be gnawing on dildos every Who Stopped to Assist time I walked by,” spit neighbor Caroline Fast. An unidentified 45-year-old woman in Triliki, “Something had to be done.” The Poodle will be N.J., was taken into custody on Sunday, August 28, kept for observation at a local dog shelter while after hitting a man over the head with a tire iron. it is expected the accused will fight the charges. “I was just trying to help her with a flat and she went nuts,” cried victim Joe Canalie. “She started Poor Pastor Purloins Purse From yelling ‘I can do it, I can do it’ and then ran at me.”
had been done.
Raps tried to flush out the wound with a stream of
Dumbasses in Headlines around the World portedly told the local newspaper. However, Utt, water from his lapel’s trick-flower, but the damage
Competing Church
David R. Utt, 39, pastor of New Hope Community Church in Canton, Ill., was caught red handed in the act of robbing another church in the area. Police were on their routine patrol late morning/early evening in Canton, when they noticed a car parked at the First Church of the Nazarene. Unusual for the hour, they checked the vehicle to find the keys in the ignition and the engine warm, which set off warning bells. The officers checked the church door to find it apparently kicked in, and so went inside to investigate. That’s where they found Utt attempting to pry open the competing church’s safe.
The boy was rushed to the hospital, but surgeons were unable to save his eye. Subsequently the child’s parents have filed a lawsuit against both Funny Business Inc. and Raps the Clown. Party Turns to Meat Riot A neighborhood family party broke out into a riot Saturday afternoon after an altercation between kids in a rented bounce house.
Terry Smith reportedly stopped his son from punching another boy in the inflatable castle moments before the other parent, Earl Lee, leaped in the air and Officer Jean Poisson Skelton reminded looker-bys elbow-dropped Smith. to avoid helping people with car troubles unless Felicia Smith, Terry’s wife, went into a rage over the they ask for help. sucker elbow and attacked Lee with her fingernails. As Felicia ran at Earl, she knocked over the grill which Clumsy Clown Causes Birthday laid waste to over $200 worth of steaks and burgers. The grill owner and chef, Fred Jones of Grilled CaterBoy’s Blindness ing co., lost his cool and started throwing meat at Terry, A birthday clown from ‘Funny Business Inc.’ was fired Earl and Felicia, which sent other attendees into a tizzy this week after a balloon trick poked out a 10-yearthat forced a neighbor to call the police. old’s eye., according to the Snert County Register-Mail. By the time the police arrived, the castle was deflatThe victim, whose birthday party the clown was hired ed, Terry was unconscious, Earl was removing fingeras entertainment, had just finished eating a piece of nails from his face wounds and Felicia was sharing a cake before volunteering to help ‘Raps The Clown’ medium rare filet with her son. Charges are pending create the Giraffe-shaped balloon. The balloon reagainst all of the parties involved, but no one has offiportedly slipped through the fingers of the gloved cially been arrested as authorities sort of the details. clown into the eye of the kid, who immediately vom-